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Don't let him touch you!
Butt Pie.
There's a sequel to a book written called Butt Cake.
Very popular at the newsstands. About a butt with cake all over it.
Chunky Asses?
Welcome to the Mel Backman Journal. I'm Mel Backman.
With me today is Chandler Jarrell
who's doing something very vital for the community.
Chandler is a finder of lost children. Am I correct?
- Yes, I find missing children. - That's very interesting.
There was a show called Finder of Lost Loves. Did you see that?
- Tony Franciosa was the star. - Yeah...
- I'm looking for this girl... - I hope you're not nervous.
It's perfectly normal. This is my fifth show and I'm still nervous.
In fact, is there anyone here who's not nervous? Are you nervous?
I'm trying to find this girl, Cheryl Mosely,
who disappeared a while back...
This is wonderful. It's what the program is all about.
When I came here, I told them I didn't want to be another Merv or Johnny.
I want to do the kind of programming that's responsive to the community.
I'm trying to find Cheryl Mosely. She's 4'11"...
This is wonderful.
If I want to get into your line of work, is there a course I can take?
- You just have to care about children. - Do you recommend this line of work?
- Can you make a lot of money? - She's 16...
This is off the subject, but that's a wonderful hat.
Where did you get that?
She's 16 and I'm trying to find her...
Great, let's say you do find her.
What would be the first thing you'd say to her?
- Her name is Cheryl Mosely... - Thank you, Chandler.
Let's talk about tortoises. What have you got here?
- This is Teddy, who is 80 years old. - 80?
- Isn't he darling? - Teddy can kiss my ass.
I'm trying to find this girl, Cheryl Mosely.
She was last seen on Vineland in North Hollywood.
She had on a sweater and a skirt.
Call me on 4-6-8-8-4-9-2 if you have...
Shut up. If you have any information about her, please contact me.
If you don't put the camera back, I'll bust your ass. Leave it on me.
Cheryl Mosely, Chandler Jarrell, 24 hours a day, 4-6-8-8-4-9-2.
Now you can talk with the tortoises. Excuse me.
Thank you. That was Chandler Jarrell.
You've had a sex change?
Okay, let's go. Take it slow, now. Tie him, tie him.
Why are you hanging in the back of the court?
Let's go. There you go. All the way, boys. It's you!
Yes!
All right, come on, now.
What's wrong with you, scrub?
Scrub.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Jarrell. - Hi.
So you're the finder of lost children.
You must have seen me on TV.
- Yeah, I like working with children. - Hey, Chandler, come on!
Shut up!
- A child has been kidnapped. - When?
Five days ago in north-eastern Tibet.
Tibet's a little bit out of my territory.
This child is special.
- His destiny is to save the world. - That's a good destiny.
Chandler, throw the ball!
Here!
400 years ago, the Neuchung Oracle predicted that the Gompen Tarma,
that is Tibetan for "Golden Child,"
would be taken to the new city, the City of the Angels.
He would be rescued by a man who is no angel.
- Who is that? - You.
Yeah, right. Okay.
I'm in the middle of a basketball game,
although I'd love to stay and chat.
- This looks like a big joint. - I'm serious, Mr. Jarrell.
Lick it and smoke it.
I think there were two of these, and you smoked the other one.
Put it in your bag and stop smoking scrolls.
It looks like a joint.
You might get jumped by Rastafarians, so put it away.
Excuse me, I have a game to play. It was a nice thought.
I realize it's hard for you to take in,
but it's your destiny to find the Golden Child.
And it's your destiny to seek psychiatric help.
Really. Can I go and play now? Please, go home?
Excuse me. And such a cute girl, too.
Dope fiend!
- Is that her? - Yes, that's Cheryl Mosely.
- How long has she been missing? - About three weeks.
- What have you got? - Not much.
Three days ago, the rental sign goes down and a truck backs up to the door.
The neighbors hear a continuous low murmur night and day.
At ten last night, the truck pulls up again and the murmuring stops.
A neighbor comes out to shut up his dog who won't come down the hill.
He looks over the fence and finds the body.
- Who rented the place? - She did. By phone, mailed in cash.
- Did you take the referral I sent you? - No.
- You only take the kid cases. - Yeah.
Get a few more shots in here.
Ms. Tibet, you can come out now. Stop following me, I won't take your case.
You're already on it.
What makes you think the kid was in the house?
This is a restraint curse.
They must restrain him spiritually and physically.
They need to keep evil on all four sides of him at all times.
Just the writing isn't enough. They'd need something else.
- Or what? - The child projects himself astrally.
Give me a break.
You're telling me that the people that killed Cheryl...
If I find them, they're the same people that kidnapped the...
...the Golden Child. Exactly.
Right.
- But why would they kill Cheryl? - I don't know.
- Why are they feeding the kid blood? - Are you sure?
- I found a bowl of oatmeal... - Yes?
...with some blood on the bottom of it. It's probably hers.
I don't know. There is somebody we could ask about the blood.
This is LA, though. You're going to ask somebody about the blood?
Are they in this world or do we have to project there?
Some part of the galaxy...
Mr. Jarrell, you honor my shop with your presence.
He's very pleased to meet a man as great as you.
How do you say "Thank you"?
We must speak to Kala.
Okay... Hey!
Mr. Jarrell.
You may speak with her. She can hear you.
Tell me about the Golden Child.
Every thousand generations, a perfect child is born.
A Golden Child.
He has come to rescue us.
- Rescue us from what? - From ourselves.
He is the Bringer of Compassion.
If he dies, compassion will die with him.
If something happens to the kid, the whole world goes to hell?
The world will become hell!
It's not far from that now! Who would want to take the kid?
Those who want evil rather than good.
- Can you be more specific? - We do not know who took him.
Could you tell me why they are trying to make him eat blood?
Nothing in this world will hurt him.
But if he were to pollute himself with anything impure,
he would become vulnerable.
Okay. So if they...
If he eats the blood, they can kill him.
Yes.
Do you have any other questions?
As a matter of fact I do.
What are you doing this weekend, because your silhouette is kicking!
She plays the maracas, too?
- This is the Chosen One? - Yes...
You people put on a good show. Where did you find her?
She's the librarian at the Secret Repository at Palkor Sin.
She was flown here to help us. She's over 300 years old.
- How did she manage that one? - An ancestor was raped by a dragon.
Does that happen a lot where you're from?
I'm sorry I got a little harsh. Why don't you come up?
No, thank you.
- What is it? - The spirits, the spirits...
A spirit's just told me that you should come up for a little while,
have a drink, and wait for further instructions.
I'm sorry. Why don't you come up for a while? I'll be good.
Okay.
I tried.
You should always give a woman two chances to say no, just in case.
That's "no," twice.
All right... but the spirits are going to be very upset.
You know, I am the Chosen One.
Okay.
You will eat.
Get this, and the rest of your playthings, out of here.
Hey, bird!
Did you just see a little Hare Krishna midget in a tree, floating?
Or is it me?
That must be Rod Serling.
- Yeah? - Are you looking for Cheryl Mosely?
Yeah.
I know the bastards who grabbed her.
- Who was she with? - Have you ever been in Pacoima?
- Yeah. Who was she with? - Behind the freeway there's a house.
It's a pad for some bikers called the Yellow Dragons.
She was with them last week. She isn't there now.
Who is this? Hello?
- What is it? - Nothing.
I came prepared in case we had any other eventualities.
Listen, you wait here.
If there's a problem, you leave. Now, what are you going to do?
- I'll stay here. - No. You stay here now.
If there's a problem, get behind the wheel and drive away.
- Understand me? You got that? - Yes.
Stay... leave. Okay.
I won't hurt anybody. I don't want any trouble.
No trouble... I'm sorry, I just want some chips, that's all.
All I want is chips. A chip, that's it.
Turn that over, it's burning.
I just want some chips.
May I ask you a couple of questions?
- That ought to hold him. - Yeah, that ought to hold him.
Hey, hey, hey! In my pocket, there's a whole thing of Tic Tacs.
Take as many as you like. Please.
What are you doing here?
Hey!
I'll bust your brain, asshole!
Why did you come in here? I told you to stay in the car!
I'm not going to turn this into a lecture,
but next time I tell you to do something, you do it.
This is a man thing. This is no place for a woman to be, understand?
Next time I tell you to do something, do it. I don't want you to get hurt.
- Can I handle this, okay? - Okay.
Leave me alone, asshole.
A girl tattooed with a yellow dragon was here. What happened to her?
What girl?
- I've never seen her before. - Okay.
Oh, Cheryl!
Yeah, her... We sold her.
What do you mean? You sold her to who?
To Tommy Tong. He's got that restaurant down on Broadway.
We traded her for a case of cigarettes and a quart of pork fried rice.
Why would somebody want to buy somebody?
- He needed a girl. - For what?
He worked out a deal with the Devil. He said he needed her blood.
Look, you're going to go over and rough him up, huh?
Don't tell him I told you.
Why would I do that? Let me get this right.
- So you sold her? - Yeah, we sold her.
Wait here.
I'm looking for Tommy Tong.
Stop acting stupid, the man owns the place, all right?
I'm looking for Tommy Tong.
You don't speak English? Let me translate it.
Bring Tommy Tong here or I'll bust your ass.
You understand that?
You see this dead girl? The last time she was seen alive was with Tong.
Tell Mr. Tong that he has a guest or I'll bust your ass!
Let me show you how I feel about that karate shit, okay?
How did you do that? What was that... with the flip?
- You killed him. - I didn't kill him!
- What happened? - I don't know.
Maybe the guy cut himself shaving
and bled to death looking for a Kleenex.
Really, I... Hey!
Maybe the guy thought that I was coming,
got scared and figured, "What the hell?" and killed himself.
- You buy that? - No.
Neither do I.
We may be up against supernatural creatures.
- What? - Demons.
By the time he finds you, it will be too late.
You were wise to kill Tommy Tong.
He was weak, he might have betrayed us.
Thank you, Lord.
But why is the child still alive?
You have no reason to fear him.
He's surrounded at all times and in all the four directions by evil.
Do not underestimate the power of good,
and do not dismiss the strength of the child.
Time grows short. The child will never eat the blood.
What must I do?
Move the child before the Chosen One draws near.
- And to kill him? - The Ajanti Dagger.
It is not of this world. With it, you could kill the child.
But it's so well-guarded. How can I...?
Offer to exchange the child for it.
They can refuse nothing for his safe return.
Use the Ajanti Dagger. With it, you need no other evil.
Use the dagger to kill the child.
It's good to see you, Mr. Jarrell.
Get your monkey off my back.
Of course. Fu, please retire.
Yeah, Fu. Save it.
Wait a second...
Wait a second, this is a dream. I'm dreaming! Hey...
Why do you say that?
Because of people like Fu with his monkey face,
the big-headed guy, the fat dude and you.
You don't exist, it's a dream.
Perhaps I've had you brought here to make you an attractive offer.
I don't think I can accept a proposal this early in the season.
Thank you.
Has it occurred to you how many men of less worth have attained so much,
while you, who can imagine so much, have so little?
No, I'm not that lucky. I don't have that much imagination.
I don't like your attitude.
This is a nice jacket.
It's got a "Morris Day" feel and looks good on you.
And the boots... smoking.
I'll repeat my offer one last time.
I am dreaming, so I can say anything and get away with it.
So I think I'll say, from my heart...
Kiss my ass.
Kiss my ass!
I can see that it's pointless talking to you, Mr. Jarrell.
Why do you insist on mispronouncing my name, leaving the "J" silent?
- My name is "Jarrell" with a "J." - Yes, I know.
My legs are more attractive.
I'm willing to make an exchange. The child for the Ajanti Dagger.
This is just a reminder of the evening.
Something so that you will know that you were here.
- You don't feel pain in your dream. - You'll remember this for a long time.
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Do you have any merthiolate or mercurochrome, it might get infected?
Tell your friends that Sardo Numspa sends his greetings.
It's a mistake.
- Kee! - Chandler!
They've tied you up in toilet paper.
- What are you doing here? - I have to be here, it's my dream.
Listen, I think the kid is here somewhere.
- We should find the kid together. - Yes.
- Afterwards, we could spend some... - ...time together!
- Yes, kind of let nature... - ...take its course.
Yeah.
So, it is Sardo Numspa.
- What's this knife? - The Crossed Dagger of Ajanti.
They brought it to this world to kill the second Golden Child,
the Bearer of Justice.
His death was a great loss.
Sardo needs it to kill the child, but you can only use it to save him.
You must obtain the knife
and lure Numspa into freeing the child.
You must never let him get possession of the knife.
That sounds like a neat trick. How can I pull it off?
If need be, we will exchange the dagger for the child.
If the Abbot of Karma Tang will let us have it.
If the kid's so important, why doesn't this guy give you the dagger?
He's a very difficult man.
Tomorrow, you will go with Kee Nang to Tibet to obtain the dagger.
I ain't going to Tibet because I had a crazy dream. This is ridiculous.
Only the Chosen One can get the knife.
Will you go?
Listen, this Chosen One thing is going too far, okay?
This is not normal, okay?
I'm not saying no, but I have to think it over,
because the Chosen One thing... too far.
- Could you leave us for a moment? - Yes, you talk it over.
This is not a normal thing and it should be discussed.
Because it's not normal. Talk.
Chosen One, I'm the Chosen One... Why...? Tibet...
Why can't I be chosen to go to The Bahamas?
I've got to get chosen to go to Tibet. This is really...
And Kala, you're not a normal chick. You're too shy and need to open up.
You can't sit in a basement, naked, smoking,
looking at soap operas for the rest of your life.
- Yak loin. - What is it?
- Yak loin. Good to keep the yang up. - Nothing wrong with my yang.
How does this dream transmission work?
- Part's dream and part's real. - So the scar on my arm's real?
Right.
- What about "Numsy"? - Numspa. Sardo Numspa.
- Yes. - He's very real.
You were there and said things that seemed pretty real.
That part was dream.
Just checking.
Aren't you going to ask me up?
- Am I dreaming now? - Does a lady have to ask twice?
No! No... Please, twice!
Please, please.
Shit! Twice.
I didn't know whether you wanted cream or sugar, so I left it black.
I want you to go to Tibet. Will you go?
Wait a second. It's really cold in Tibet, and I don't like the cold.
Why don't we just stay here all weekend long under the covers,
watching television, sweating, smiling and everything?
- You won't go. - It's freezing in Tibet.
- Hey, where are you going? - Tibet.
But I'm the Chosen One. You can't get the knife.
I'll go. I'll go to Tibet.
Wait...
But if it's really cold, we have to come back here. Okay?
You're not in a rush to leave this minute, are you?
Because, you know...
A bed! Is that a bed?
Kathmandu is the gateway to Tibet.
There are bulls walking around here. And it's cold.
Two days into the mountains and we'll be at the heights of heaven.
I thought this was the best part. I'm freezing, I'm not enjoying myself.
But I want you to know that I'll do my best to find the child.
Of course you are. I'll arrange for our trek into the mountains.
You have about an hour to look around.
About 16:30, but I won't make it to the party.
Hi.
Take it easy.
You want me to buy a necklace? Okay, I'll buy one.
I'll buy one. Can you let me have the blue one?
I don't know how much they cost, though.
One of those? Okay.
Let me have the blue one, it matches my coat.
Wait a second, you took 100!
No, one dollar is for you. See George Washington?
That's Benjamin Franklin, that's not happening.
Give this... You got the wrong money.
Can I have my money back?
- You gave me the wrong necklace, too. - You're breaking my heart, asswipe.
- You speak English just fine. - So do you, so what of it?
Give me my 100 back, take this dollar and give me the right one.
Monkey breath, puke face, eater of turtle slime.
- Give me my shit and take your shit. - What, scuzzbucket?
Okay, you slick shithead.
You sneaky little bastard!
You want your money? Take it!
Did you see a little naked man with a $100 bill?
I have arranged for yaks, ponies and boats.
You didn't see a naked bum with $100?
No, but I can arrange for one. Come on.
You've got to show up sooner or later. When you do, your ass is kicked.
I'll sell your clothes, leave you here naked and bleeding without money.
Little dirty bastard! Dude took my money.
If that bum hadn't taken my $100, we'd have a boat with a motor.
- Shut up and paddle. - Yeah, I'm gonna paddle.
I'm gonna paddle your ass when I find you. I'll use this row.
I'm gonna row your ass till it bleeds!
- We'll be there soon. - You'd better have a spatula.
My ass is frozen to this yak.
Bow.
That's the dude who took my money!
We have come to ask for the sacred Crossed Dagger of Ajanti.
- For what reason? - For the Golden Child.
- He does not need it. - To save his life.
The child lives for our sakes, not for his own.
I humbly beg you, let us have the knife.
Let him ask it.
I-I-I... want the knife.
Let him ask again.
I want the knife.
Please.
Only a man whose heart is pure can wield the knife.
If you're such a man, you will have it.
"Only a man whose heart is pure can wield the knife."
And only a man whose ass is narrow can get down these steps.
And if mine is such an ass, then I shall have it.
Oh, shit.
Beyond the door is a corridor.
At the other end is the sacred Ajanti Dagger.
If you walk to the other end of the corridor and retrieve it,
it's yours.
- That sounds simple enough. - Just one thing.
You must carry this glass of water without spilling one drop.
Are you Monty Hall now? You must be Carol Merrill.
"Don't spill any water." This is crazy!
And keep your thought as pure as the water.
- The water isn't pure. - Neither are you!
I give you this advice. Stay on the path.
You've got it.
I'm so afraid of the dark, too.
You need to get somebody to come and clean up down here!
This is a piece of cake. This is a piece of cake, okay?
Come on, come on...
Hey, there's no floor. There's no ground.
Wait a minute, I've got it.
There is a ground. You're making it look like there's no ground,
to see if I would be scared and run back.
There's a ground, Monty!
There's no ground here!
Oh, shit...
- Remember, stay on the path! - I heard you the first time!
Let's just hope the path stays under me!
But I was supposed to stay on the path!
Yes.
But you must know when to break the rules.
- How many have survived this test? - None!
None?
None? I'm going to break your ass when I get out of here.
What am I doing wrong?
I followed all your rules, what am I doing wrong?
Keep your thoughts as pure as the water and don't drop the water.
Don't drop the water.
Wait a minute, wait a minute...
The water... The fire and the water...
Okay.
To Monty!
A toast!
I've got the knife, now turn on the goddamn light!
What is it, asswipe?
I want to ask your advice about something.
I'll let that slide, because it's your way.
Don't press your luck, though.
I know that you're a very old and wise and...
disgusting guy.
You'll wipe that on your jacket, huh?
I was wondering what a man says to a woman from your world,
when he wants her to understand that he loves her and wants to marry her.
If you took the short path and reached enlightenment before tomorrow,
who would want you for a husband?
- What's the short path? - First of all, you must remain pure.
- What do you mean? - You know what I mean.
Oh, you mean no...
- Is there a long way? - It takes 10,000 lifetimes.
We don't have that much time. No women, what else?
For you? You must trust someone you have no reason to trust.
You must make a promise to someone you have just met.
You must love someone who loves you.
- How can I know when to do all that? - That's for you to decide.
You must tell no one that I have put you on the path.
Well, thanks for your help.
He thinks I helped him!
Get that booger off your jacket before it freezes and you scratch yourself.
Keep that $100.
There's no telling what might be on the bill when you return it.
Gompa? I have ruined myself for the American.
- He's a fool. - But he's brave.
- He's irresponsible. - But he's generous.
He thinks of nothing but protecting his own feelings.
But if you touch his heart, there's nothing he wouldn't do for you.
He believes in nothing.
And still he does what is right.
He's a careless, thoughtless, undisciplined fool.
Yes. I do like him very much. It's very hard not to.
Those magnificent Americans.
So much power and so little understanding of what to do with it.
What should I do?
You must help him save the Golden Child.
And follow your heart.
- Thank you, Gompa. - You're welcome, daughter.
And when you want to marry him, you have my blessing.
Thank you, Father.
They won't let me on the plane with the knife.
- Yes, they will. - No, they won't. I'm going to jail.
Thank you.
This won't work, and I'll spend the rest of my life
in a clay cell in Kathmandu.
- Another cow? - It's Kathmandu, what do you expect?
There's no way they'll let me on the plane
with a knife under my shirt.
Relax and trust in your destiny.
- Come on. - You trust in your destiny.
- Come with me. - I have nothing to declare.
- But necessary. - Why? I can show you my bag here.
- For your own protection. - These are just my drawers.
These are clean and those are dirty.
Excuse me, I have a plane to catch. Come on, hurry up.
- What's this? - Nothing.
Just once I want to go back to America.
I'm a citizen. What are you looking at?
It just does my heart good to see another American citizen.
- Hold it! - Are you crazy?
No, I'm Agent Jarrell from the American Stolen Artifacts Foundation.
Everybody, it's okay! I'm with the Stolen Artifacts Foundation!
Freddie, get out of my sight! You make me sick!
I'll talk to you on the plane. Nobody be alarmed!
I'm Chandler Jarrell, American Stolen Artifacts Foundation.
Thanks to you, we were able to catch this man, Freddie,
the piece of shit back there.
I thank the good people of Nepal.
You're all brilliant. Thank you, sir.
You are one hell of a leader. The cunningness... the instinct...
The instinct is brilliant. I can tell that you trained under this man.
You have the same glare of brilliance in your eye.
You didn't know what you did, but you're brilliant.
The best brilliance is born from someone ignorant...
Forget it. This is my assistant, Kee Nang.
We thank you all. People of Nepal, we thank you!
You're a bunch of beautiful, brilliant people.
Nepal! N-E-P-A-L!
Viva Nepal! Viva Nepal!
No, thanks.
- Welcome back. - Thank you.
Hey. This is your problem now.
Thank you. You did a marvelous job in obtaining the knife.
You will be spending the next few days at the house of a certain friend.
When will we be contacted about the knife?
That's him. If he doesn't return my property, I want him arrested.
Welcome home, Mr. Jarrell. You have something for me.
I'm sorry, Numsy. I should be punished!
Everyone, I have stolen from my brother, Numsy.
Officer, it's your duty to take me in. Please, purge me.
I'm ashamed of myself. I should be arrested.
I should be purged, I should be flogged.
- I shouldn't walk among good people. - Let me talk to him.
I'm a swine, a wretch. I don't deserve to live like others.
How long do you think you can keep up this masquerade?
Until I get arrested, or you realize the rules of evidence in this country.
If I get arrested, they'll take me and put me in a jail cell.
They'll take the knife, because it's stolen,
and put an "Exhibit A" sticker on it.
The knife sits in a room, and I sit in my little room
until the trial comes up a month to a year later.
If you get me arrested, there's no telling when you'll get your knife.
You have no idea who I am, have you?
Yes! You're Sardo Numsy!
I don't care who you are. I do care that you kidnapped a kid, though.
I could destroy you just like that.
We wouldn't want that. Listen...
Bring me the boy, and I'll give you the knife.
Then no one will have to be destroyed "just like that."
Think it over.
My brother's forgiven me!
Kee, Dr. Hong, Brother Numsy has forgiven me.
Dear brother! Thank you, you're wonderful!
What else did you tell him?
That I wouldn't be as polite next time.
- You are foolhardy, aren't you? - Well, I do my best.
Are you coming to bed?
No, I think I'm going to sleep out here.
Oh...
Good night.
I just heard something.
I don't like this. Let's get out of here.
Run!
I did not spend the night with you to obligate you.
I spent the night with you because I love you.
- She is beyond this world of pain. - You can save her.
The Golden Child can bring her back.
As long as sunlight still shines on her body...
No more magic and riddles. She's dead!
You are the Chosen One. You will find the child.
You have until nightfall to find him. Sardo can't kill him until dark.
We'll get you out of here, okay?
Where's your boss?
Keep an eye on the kid. Don't worry, I'm the Chosen One.
This won't take long.
My dear, sweet brother Numsy!
I can see that you're busy right now. I'll come back some other time.
There are no keys in the car!
Come on, come on!
- Everything's going to be okay. - I know.
Fasten your seatbelt, kid.
Did somebody give you a Valium, or what?
This must happen a lot where you're from. I'm gonna shit on myself!
Hey, Goldie!
You ain't going to help me with the chain, just keep running, right?
Hey, wait!
- How long are you going to be? - Two weeks.
- You drop the kid off and come back. - Yes!
Good.
Listen, I bought this for you.
You put that on and no one will mess with your head while you're here.
Good? Good.
You don't want to go to Tibet with a big... on your head.
That is a cool trick. Did you ever think about going into show business?
I could be your partner, I'd throw a rock at you,
and you'd make it float off and hit the wall. Standing ovations.
Do they have Ed McMahon's Star Search in Tibet?
Probably not. They probably have Food Search.
We could go on Star Search and let the audience throw rocks at you.
You could move your hand and make them hit McMahon... hard.