[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aaah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get
delivered here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Alright.
- And the diaper is on!
Beautiful! 17 minutes.
We beat our old record
by 37 minutes.
- Baby wipe.
Ohh..
- Whup!
- Pah!
- Alright.
- Hold it.
I'm about to make a quantum leap
in diaper theory.
Go with it. Go with it.
If we triple the diaper
we get three times
the protection
but we change her
1/3rd as often.
Loving it. Loving it.
We put two diapers together
and..
...Michelle Tanner,
come on down!
You know the other
way to go is to
tie a hefty bag
around her waist.
That way, we'd only have
to change her on trash day.
Junior jammy time.
Huh?
- It's you.
- Alright.
Here we go.
We put the leg in like so.
We simply, uh..
We tie! We tie.
We simply tie like this.
Very nice.
Whoa.
Snag in the plan.
I suggest we go with
a lovely 2-piece ensemble
from baby Armani.
Using your head, Joseph.
Using your head.
Alright. Hey!
Um..
Here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yuppie baby!
Oh, this is good.
Okay, I got
the girls in..
- Ta-da!
Gentlemen, Tarzan, who was
raised in the jungle by apes
went to bed in better
shape than that baby.
Big deal, you're talking
about a guy who wore diapers
his entire life.
I really appreciate the effort
but I'll take it from here.
Oh, yeah, sure, now
that all the work is done.
Goodnight, Michelle.
[high voice]
Goodnight, Uncle Jesse.
Next time you see me
I'll have a big
surprise for you.
I don't care how many
diapers I have on.
He, he, he!
Give me my kid.
Aw..
You really are a good sport.
[Jesse humming]
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
- 'How you doin', kid?'
- What happened to my room?
- Looks pretty cool, huh?
Look at this,
I'm hanging Elvis up right here.
Over my bunnies?
Well, Steph, your
bunnies are very, uh..
...pink.
My mom made those
bunnies just for me.
Don't you like them?
These bunnies.
I love these bunnies.
I'm sure Elvis had bunnies
hanging all over Graceland.
Okay, it's riddle time.
What has blonde hair,
purple pajamas
and is up way
past their bedtime?
Um, Elvis?
Steph, the Sandman Express
is comin'.
[harmonica music]
All aboard!
Whoo-whoo!
You see that?
Any of your ape friends
do that for Tarzan?
Last stop, Stephanie's bed.
Thank you, Sandman Express.
The Sandman Express
runs every night.
If I get on now will you drop
me off at the nearest hotel?
Okay, let's say goodnight.
Alright, goodnight,
junior babes.
Uncle Jesse, tell us
a bedtime story.
Uncle Jesse doesn't
know any bedtime stories.
Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does!
- I'll make one up! Why?
- Yay!
Alright, fellas,
help me out here.
We'll make it a game.
Steph, you start the story,
and you girls point to us
when you want someone
else to take over.
Okay!
Once upon a time there was
a pretty girl named Cinderella.
Daddy!
And, uh, Cinderella
wanted to go
to this big fancy ball.
And on the way
she wandered into this cabin
and she fell asleep
in papa bear's bed.
I don't think so.
No, wait, honey,
it gets better.
So she's on the bed,
she's out like a light
when all of a sudden--
[imitating buzzer]
Joey.
Um, when
Cinderella woke up
she was real thirsty
so she went to 7-Eleven
for a Slurpee
where she ran
into, Bullwinkle!
So Bullwinkle says..
[imitating Bullwinkle]
Hello, Cinderella.
Would you like
to come to the ball with me?
Not only am I a great dancer
but you can hang your
coat on my antlers.
Kids love this stuff. So--
[imitating buzzer]
Uncle Jesse.
So, Cinderella, Bullwinkle,
they get married, right?
They go on
"The Newlywed Game"
and they win a grand prize
selected especially for them.
Goodnight.
[imitating buzzer]
Daddy.
Until..
The big bad wolf came over.
And he said, open up
or I'll huff and I'll puff
and I'll blow your house down!
And I can do it, too,
because as we all know
wolves have
an amazing lung capacity.
[imitating buzzer]
- Joey.
- So--
[imitating buzzer]
Uncle Jesse.
So the wolf,
the moose, the babe
they all fell in love, right.
They moved to Sweden
where people are
a lot more cooler
about that sort of thing.
And that's the end of the story.
Goodnight and goodbye.
No monsters, no witches,
but that story was very scary.
Okay, sweetheart.
It's time to go to bed.
Can I ask one more favor?
Sure, honey. What is it?
Study these storybooks.
We'll talk about
them in the morning.
Okay. Who wants "Puddle Duck
And The Quack Quack Gang"?
- Read it.
[instrumental music]
Hello, Joey, Danny,
how you guys doing? Goodnight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold it, guys. Red light!
Guys, the only way
that three adults
can leave the house
at the same time
is if three children
are with them.
Two adults can leave.
One adult can leave.
Three, two, or one
child can leave
'with one to three adults.'
But three adults
can never leave
with less than
three children, got it?
Look, that's
all fascinating stuff
but I've gotta get
to band rehearsal.
Yeah, and I have a 10:30
slot the Laugh Machine.
I have to do the sports
at 10 o'clock.
I'm sorry, Jesse.
What do you mean,
I'm sorry, Jesse?
Why not, I'm sorry, Joey,
or I'm sorry, Danny?
Because I have an actual
job that pays money.
And I bring the gift of laughter
into the world. At 10:30.
Yes, well I make music.
Songs that touch people's hearts
that penetrate their very souls.
Now, how can you compare
that to telling..
...jokes?
Are you seriously
trying to tell me
that music is more
important than comedy?
You got it, pal.
Two words, Ozzy Osbourne.
Two more words, Rip Taylor.
"The Partridge Family."
Anyone on "Hee Haw".
Charo.
Bozo.
Hey, Bozo did
some brilliant work.
Oh, yeah, right, right.
The early Bozo was real good.
I'm sorry.
Okay, we'll settle this
the only truly fair way.
Ready? Go!
(Joey)
Once again, comedy kicks
music's butt!
I'm sorry, man. All three
girls are sleeping like angels.
I know I can trust you, Jesse.
- If there's even a--
- Yeah, yeah. Go live your life.
Hey, babe, it's fine.
I'll just give up my dreams
to be a success in
the music business.
I'll sit home and read
Hunny-Bunny
In The Wee Little Glen.
- I couldn't put it down.
- Get out of here.
(both)
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Hi, girls.
Girls! You're supposed
to be in bed!
Girls! Whoa!
'Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!'
Girls, girls, aren't
you supposed to be in bed
dreaming about Tweety Bird
or Big Bird or
Larry Bird or something?
Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry
dad always makes sure
we have a late-night snack.
We're gonna have ice cream
sundaes and chocolate milk.
- And cookies!
- Freeze, chick!
Alright, I know.
I'm pretty hip here.
You guys think
I'm-I'm an idiot or somethin'?
Let me tell you somethin'.
I know what's goin' on here.
Your dad's gone and it's
let's take advantage
of the baby-sitter time.
Well, I got news for you, girls.
Your Uncle Jesse's
a little too sharp
to be taken on that kinda ride.
Now, you can have ice cream
and chocolate milk. No cookies.
Yay!
Okay.
♪ Z my name is zippy ♪
♪ And my husband's
name is Zorro ♪
♪ We come from
San Francisco ♪
♪ With a carload
of zebras ♪
♪ A my name
is Alice.. ♪♪
That's enough jump rope.
Let's do the hand-jive.
Ok, but I can't stop jumping.
I may never sleep again.
Thanks.
Two bowls of ice cream sure
gives you a lot of pep, huh?
Does pep mean you can't blink?
That's pep.
Party time!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Fellas, I got three little
girls upstairs, sound asleep.
Sticks.
Licorice.
'Alright.'
Here we go.
Jumping Jack Flash in "B."
Ready? One, two, three, go!
♪ I was born ♪
♪ In a cross-fire
hurricane.. ♪♪
What's the matter?
Someone out of tune?
Do you guys know
any bangles stuff?
Whoa! Whoa! Girls!
You're supposed to be in bed!
What would your
dad say about this?
He wouldn't mind, he'd say
we're lucky to have a chance
to listen to the greatest
rock band in the world.
Oh, well, if you
put it that way. Yeah, okay.
Great hair! Could you
show me how to do that?
Sure. It's real easy.
Just sprays right on.
[doorbell rings]
- Oh, that's for me.
- Whoa!
Oh, I bet my dad
forgot to tell you
about our 11 o'clock pizza.
- Hi. How much?
- 11.50.
Did the cheese slide
off or stick to the box?
No.
Keep it.
Hey, do you mind if
I check out the band?
Come in. Open party.
Alright, girls,
listen here now.
It's almost midnight.
You guys listen to two, three
songs max, you eat your pie
then straight to bed,
no nonsense.
Boy, are you strict!
Alright, here we go!
[rock music]
♪ Little sister
don't you run ♪
♪ Little sister
don't you run ♪
♪ Little sister don't you
kiss me once or twice ♪
♪ And say it's very nice ♪
♪ And then you run ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Little sister
don't you do ♪
♪ What your
big sister done ♪♪
Conga!
[upbeat music]
Boy, are you
gonna get it.
[instrumental music]
Attention,
Solid Gold, farm team.
It's 12:15,
and your hair is purple.
Get down, and
I don't mean get funky.
Boys, boys, boys.
Walk with me.
Talk with me.
How could you possibly
let this happen?
Hold it,
on behalf of Joey
I would just like to say
that Joey is innocent.
Well, it's true I was doing
a conga when you walked in
but...I conga a lot.
[sighs]
My name is Joey,
and I'm a congaholic.
Well, it's way
past our bedtime.
Come on, Steph.
Goodnight, everybody.
Girls, get back over here!
You're in just
as much trouble as they are.
Dad, I know we're
supposed to be--
D.J., hang on a second.
Um, it's not
the girls' fault. It's mine.
I invited the band over.
I woke the girls up.
I ordered pizza.
I was throwin' a party.
I needed chicks.
[Michelle crying]
Baby alert!
You girls get right in bed.
You guys follow me.
And if that baby's
hair is purple..
You were irresponsible.
You were unreliable.
I'll get back to you.
Oh, Michelle.
Aw, honey, it's okay.
Daddy's here.
I see what this is.
Michelle's getting
a new tooth.
Aw, that really hurts.
I had nothin'
to do with it.
Poor baby.
Imagine a sharp,
pointy, calcified projectile
ripping and knifing its way
through your soft,
tender, inflamed gum tissues.
I say we buy her a pony.
Sometimes a teething ring helps.
Here, Michelle.
Here you go.
Here, honey.
She loves it.
Is this anything like
catching the bouquet?
Am I the next one
to have a baby?
Alright, excuse me, fellas.
Let the pro in.
I'll show you how it's done.
Alright, little munchkin,
where does it hurt?
Wait a minute,
give my finger back, kid.
[crying]
Well, your brain's
not working tonight
but your finger's doin' great.
Joey, do me a favor.
I put one of Michelle's
teething rings in the freezer.
I'd like a word alone
with the alleged babysitter.
Jesse, I guess
it's a bad time to ask
for that girl
singer's phone number.
Get out!
Well, well, well.
What? What? What?
Shame, shame, shame.
I feel like I'm being
chewed out in the Grand Canyon.
I suppose I should be happy
the house is still standing.
I must have been
crazy to think
that you were adult enough
to take care of my kids.
You really let me down.
Wait a minute!
Where you going?
Oh, I thought
I'd call up the Beastie Boys
and ask them if they wanna take
the girls to the park tomorrow.
You love this, don't you?
Uncle Jesse's the best
babysitter we ever had.
Yeah, but I think
he's in big trouble.
[knock on door]
Get into bed.
No, no, no. Your bed!
[snoring]
Girls?
Are you awake?
Dad, is that you?
Is it morning?
D.J., Stephanie, please
come over here right now.
Girls, we have a problem
with Uncle Jesse.
Oh, no, dad,
we didn't have any problems
with Uncle Jesse at all.
I'm sorry.
He was just so irresponsible.
What is this?
Uh-oh. Empty bowls
and empty cartons.
Oh, now I see
what happened.
Uncle Jesse forced
ice cream sundaes
and chocolate milk
down your throats
and then he hid the evidence
under your table.
Ah, the sick fiend.
He probably ignored you
when you told him
no sweets
after bedtime, huh?
Probably.
No probably about it
because otherwise
you'd be lying.
And you know better
than that, don't you?
Probably.
Well, that does it.
I guess asking Uncle Jesse
to move in here
was just a big mistake.
In fact, this may
be a matter for the police.
Now, sweet dreams,
my perfect little angels.
- Daddy!
- Dad!
We were bad.
We did everything.
We even ordered the pizza.
We should all go
apologize to Uncle Jesse.
You're right.
You go first.
Are you gonna punish us?
Before you answer that.
We saved you
a slice of pizza.
Good point, Michelle.
The thing I wonder is..
What's life all about anyway?
I mean, 24 hours ago,
I was a relatively cool guy.
Today I'm a six foot
teething ring.
Yeah, alright, bed time.
We're goin' to my bed.
Come with me.
Come on. Let's go.
Okay, hang on.
I'll put it back.
There you go.
Uncle Jesse.
Whatever it is,
the answer is no.
We just wanted
to say thanks
for trying to keep
us out of trouble.
The only reason
we took advantage of you
is because you had
no idea what you were doing.
From now on,
we'll be good
and do whatever you say.
Steph, don't get crazy.
We'll try to do better.
You can cover up
my bunnies if you want.
That's alright. Your bunnies
are starting to grow on me.
We really love you.
Well, I love you girls, too.
But next time you pull
that stuff on me..
...I'm still
gonna love you.
Aww!
Okay, now either
you girls go to bed for real
or I'm taking
everything out of your room
and turning it
into a 24-hour minimart.
Goodnight, everybody.
Goodnight, daddy,
goodnight, Michelle.
- Goodnight, Uncle Jesse.
- Goodnight, honey.
- Hi.
Want a slice of pizza?
No. Me and the little leech
are gonna try to get some sleep.
I couldn't find
Michelle's teething ring
so I got the next best thing..
An ice cold carrot.
What? I could've brought
the fish sticks but you guys
would've thought
I was an idiot.
Look, Jesse..
I want you to know
that was really nice of you
to take the rap
for D.J. and Stephanie.
And I'm real sorry
I got so crazy before
walking around you
going, "well, well, well."
It's cool, cool, cool.
The girls just
mean so much to me
especially now,
you know, since Pam's gone.
I know what you're sayin', man.
I worry about them, too.
They're my nieces.
But I don't know nothin'
about this kid stuff.
Yeah, I know, but both you guys,
you gotta remember
don't be afraid to say no.
- Kids need limits.
- What am I supposed to know?
I been here 12 hours, you expect
me to be Robert Young.
Now, wait, I'm confused.
Is it Robert Young
from "Father Knows Best"
or Robert Young,
"Dr. Welby?"
This is gonna
take some time.
But we can make this work
if we want it to work.
Jesse, you do want this
to work, don't you?
Well, at first,
I wasn't sure but..
Oh, when I saw
that kid telling me
I could cover
her bunnies up and..
...I was looking at that
little baby in my arms
counting on me to stop
her from being in pain
I don't know man,
I got all warm and tingly..
Somebody stop me.
You know, I'm just
happy to be here.
I was an only child.
All I had was imaginary
brothers and sisters.
It feels great
to be in a real house
with real people.
Right, Leon?
Give me my kid.
Okay, Michelle.
It's time to go to bed.
Yeah.
♪ Lullaby ♪
♪ And goodnight ♪
♪ And there's more
words I'm not sure of ♪♪
Conga!
♪ Da da da da
da daa ♪
♪ Da da da da
da daa ♪
♪ Da da da da
da daa.. ♪
What the hell?
♪ Da da da da
da daa ♪♪
Come on, Leon.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]