[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to livin' here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie do bah bah da ♪
[instrumental music]
So Kimmy, you gotta be
the first one to class tomorrow
to get the seats
in the back row.
Okay.
Why?
Because it's the best
place to pass notes.
I love the way
your mind works.
This outfit is all wrong.
Tomorrow's the first day
of kindergarten
and I have nothing to wear.
Your bed is full of clothes.
Yeah, but they're not me.
Well, they're me,
but they're the preschool me.
I'll sit anywhere you want
as long as it's not
near Arthur Wilcox.
- Arthur Wilcox, eew!
Who's Arthur Wilcox?
- Eew!
Steph, please, Kimmy and I
are talking about school.
(Stephanie)
'So am I.'
What if I walk into class
wearing a goofy outfit
and everyone says,
"Stephanie Tanner, eew"?
Would you stop worrying?
Kindergarten is so easy.
The only thing
you have to know
is the pledge
of allegiance.
The what?
(together)
I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States Of America
and to the republic
for which it stands
'one nation under god,
indivisible'
with liberty
and justice for all.
I'm dead meat.
Kimmy, your mom's downstairs.
Said you were supposed
to be home a half hour ago.
Uh-oh, that's
the third time today.
She's gonna kill me.
Don't panic. Just set
your watch back a half hour.
I love the way
your mind works.
Uncle Jesse,
how do I look?
Like a bag lady.
What happened to Michelle?
Well, your sister Michelle
tried to eat her dinner
by pushing it
through her face.
Yeah, we'd better
give her a bath.
That's a good idea..
Do we know how to do that?
Sure, it's just like
giving a puppy a bath.
You know, only there's
a little less tail to clean.
Right.
[instrumental music]
(Jesse)
'Hey, Joey,
the kid's ready.'
(Joey)
'So am I.'
This is the most terrifying
shower scene since "Psycho".
Hey, it's alright, pal.
Here, you go to your
Uncle Joey there.
There you go.
Joey, the baby has better
muscle tone than you do.
And what do you bench?
If we missed
anything stupid
would you start all over?
Girls, get out. Go to bed.
Get outta here.
Don't worry,
Joy will do something
just as stupid tomorrow.
Listen, you got a call
from the Laugh Machine.
Somebody got sick,
you have to go on at
9:30 instead of 1:30.
9:30! That's prime time! Yes!
Jess, what do I open with?
How 'bout a joke?
Perfect. Thank god you're here.
Ah, okay, I've made a decision.
I'll open with a joke.
What's my best joke?
That outfit.
D.J., are you asleep?
I can't tell.
I think I'm blind.
Will you look
at one more outfit?
Steph, I've seen your
entire wardrobe twice.
Okay.
Wanna listen to the pledge?
I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of some states of America.
I'm gonna tuck you in.
Very tight.
And to the public
which understands..
With God..
...and liberty..
I'm dead meat.
Okay, she's clean.
You could
eat off this baby.
Hey, Jess, thanks for helping
me out with the baby.
Uh, no problem, I got
a date tonight with a dancer
but not till midnight.
Another exotic dancer?
For your information, Joseph
I happen to be
dating a ballerina.
Okay, she's a topless ballerina.
Good luck tonight, pal.
Uh, yeah, tonight.
9:30.
This could be the big break
I've been waiting for, Jess.
I've been at this comedy stuff
since I was four years old
when I did my first impression.
Ever since then, all's I wanted
to do was make people happy.
This making any sense to you?
Oh, yeah, I know
what you're saying.
See, Joey, you're talking
about that magical moment
when all of the sudden
you know what you
want to do with your life.
It happened to me
when I was six.
I turned the TV on
there was Elvis Presley
in "King Creole".
He actually played a two-fisted
fun-loving, girl-chasing
singing busboy.
They stole that Oscar from him.
Robbed him blind.
Anyway, Elvis made me feel that
music was somethin'
special, you know?
I gotta be honest
with you, when he
started singing
"Hardheaded Woman"
huh, forget about it,
I was touched.
I mean, I was like..
Goes like this.
♪ A hardheaded woman
A soft-hearted man ♪
♪ Been the source of trouble
ever since the world began ♪
Jess, Jess, Jess..
...you are great.
Man, you, you got all the moves.
Well, I feel it,
you know, I feel it.
I'm doing this lip thing,
you know which is new.
Sing another song,
would you? Please?
For Michelle.
She loves music.
Alright I need a scarf, I need..
Here we go, here we go.
Alright,
get a load of this.
♪ Love me tender ♪
♪ Love me sweet ♪
♪ Never let me go ♪
♪ You have made
my life complete ♪
♪ And I love you so ♪
♪ Love me tender ♪
♪ Love me.. ♪
Oh, my God.
What? We were just
giving the kid a bath.
Then why isn't
she in the tub?
Because Joey's in the tub
and I'm in the tub and
there's not enough
room for, you know, all of us.
It's obvious
I-I really am intruding.
I'm gonna put
Michelle in her crib.
I'm gonna go check
on my other girls
and just leave you two sailors
to your suds
and your singing.
♪ Love me tender ♪
♪ Love me true ♪
♪ Never let me.. ♪♪
Hi, daddy.
Hi, dad.
Why is everybody awake?
I'll show you.
I'm ready for school.
Honey, you're ready
for the prom.
You said this would be good.
Hey, if you can't have fun
with your little sister
then what's the point
in having one?
[instrumental music]
- Good morning, boys.
- Good morning, Paw, Hoss.
Little Joe.
How'd it go last night?
Oh, well, I started out great,
but in the middle I--
No, no, I-I meant
in the bathtub with Hoss.
Look, I finished
"Love Me Tender"
we did a short medley
from "Viva Las Vegas"
and got the hell
out of the tub.
Dad, we're all ready.
Girls, I don't wanna brag
but chef boy-r-dad has made
some super great lunches
for a super great
first day of school.
And you know what, Stephanie?
For you I've got a
brand-new lunch box.
"The Jetsons".
Hi, I'm home.
Hi, Jane. Hi, Elroy.
Hi, Astro.
[imitating Astro]
Ri, Rorge. Rrr rrr rrr..
And, D.J., for you I've got
a brand-new Barbie lunch box.
I don't do Barbie.
Oh, darn.
Thanks, dad,
but fifth-graders
don't carry
lunch boxes anymore.
Try to sell it
to a first-grader.
Come on, Steph. We don't
wanna miss our bus.
- I guess not.
- Wait, girls.
Stephanie..
Honey, are you sure you
don't want me to go with you?
Don't worry, dad.
I'll make sure she's okay.
Yeah. It'll be fun.
Oh, you girls are
really growin' up.
Stephanie's
starting school.
Wait here, I'm gonna get
my video camera. Don't move.
Okay, just come in
when I tell you to, okay?
When I say action. Okay,
now give me love. Action.
♪ Is this the
little girl I carried ♪
♪ Is this the
little girl at play ♪
♪ I don't remember
growing older ♪
♪ When did they ♪
♪ Sunrise sunset ♪
♪ Swiftly flow the years ♪
♪ One season
following another ♪
♪ Laden with happiness ♪
♪ and tears ♪♪
My little baby's
starting school.
I changed my mind.
I'm not going.
[instrumental music]
Steph, honey, what do you mean
you're not going to school?
I don't feel good.
Maybe I'll go next year.
You don't look sick.
Is that better?
Well, your face
is almost there.
Give it kind of a..
Like that and
Throw in a real
hacking cough.
[coughing]
Come on, you're
gonna miss the bus.
Steph, are you okay?
See? Now you're
tricking people.
D.J., you go on ahead.
Steph's a little nervous about
her first day at school.
I'll make sure she gets there.
Okay, Steph, see you there.
Stephanie.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Steph, I wanna
talk to you.
Sweetheart, don't you wanna
go to school and be smart?
I'll stay home and watch
public television.
Come on, Steph, spill your guts.
Why don't you
wanna go to school?
Because I don't
know anybody.
I'll be all alone.
It'll be real scary.
I won't know anybody
and I won't have any friends.
Aww.
Steph..
You're going to make
friends, I promise.
You and I, we're gonna
go down there together.
And daddy's not gonna leave
until everything's alright.
Yeah, you're just nervous
'cause it's your first day.
See, first times can be scary,
but they can be exciting, too.
I remember a real
exciting first time for me.
I was 14.
I went out with this
incredible college girl
Marissa Dellacrue.
We went to the drive-in.
First I was, you know, kinda
nervous and a little scared.
But then Marissa, she kinda..
I don't know,
she got kinda friendly and..
Let's just say
first times can be great.
Not a helpful story.
But darn entertaining.
[instrumental music]
Okay. I came
to kindergarten.
- We can go home now.
- Steph, wait a minute.
Honey, sweetheart..
Baby, don't worry.
You're gonna feel much better
as soon as you meet someone.
Oh, look! Here comes a nice
little girl right now.
I'm never going back
in there again!
Never, never, never!
No!
Let's wait for
another little girl.
One who has a better
outlook on life.
I know, we'll just..
W-we'll play for a while
and ease our way
into this, okay?
Come here.
Oh, look, honey, it's a slide.
Your very favorite.
This is like
the lollipop they give
before the big shot, isn't it?
Oh, no, no, no.
Why didn't I
bring a lollipop?
Here, come on, honey.
We're going to play
on the slide.
Here we go.
This is fun.
Whee!
'Oh, whee!'
Oh, yeah. That was fun.
Now it's my turn.
Here I go.
Here we go.
Whee!
Here I go!
Whee!
You know, if we're having
this much fun outside the class
just imagine
the "Barrel Of Monkeys"
waiting for us inside, huh?
Ooh-ah!
Oh, Michelle.
Oh, honey.
What's wrong, sweetheart?
She's scared, too.
See what she did?
Ooh, yeah. She's got
a pamper full of fright.
I'm gonna go change
her real quick.
Sweetheart, I want you
to wait inside the class, okay?
Okay, but I don't
know anybody in there.
Hey, Steph.
What's shaking?
Uncle Jesse,
what are you doing here?
Come here.
I'll tell you.
I was on my way to work
and since I happen to be
a part-time exterminator
I thought I'd stop by
and make sure there's no pests
bugs, or varmints
in your classroom
other than
these rug rats.
Look, I made this for you.
What is it?
It's either a dog
with no head or an ashtray.
Dog with no head.
Will you stay here
and never leave?
Aww, what's the matter,
no pals yet?
I don't know why.
You look pretty.
You smell okay.
Alright, you stay here
and get ready to learn
some new names, alright?
Attention, all munchkins.
Free milks all around
compliments of
the coolest kid in class
Stephanie Tanner.
Make a friend.
Get a free milk.
Great. Now I have
no friends and no milk.
Hmm. Can't believe
that milk scam didn't work.
Alright, we'll
go to my specialty
personal charm, now,
you wait right here
I'll be back with
your new best friend, okay?
Sit down, now.
Little girl, how'd you
like to make a new friend?
Stranger, stranger, stranger!
Whoa, whoa. What, what
is going on here?
Uh, nothin', I'm just trying
to help the kids become friends.
Who are you?
I'm, uh, I'm this pretty
little girl's father.
- Right, Steph?
- Uh, okay.
Well, look,
as long as you're here
would you come with me
to the supply room
and kill something
with eight legs?
I'll be right back, Steph.
This happens to me all the time.
Everybody loves
the exterminator.
- Hi, Stephanie.
- Hi.
Wow. This place is great.
You got toys and blocks
and pin the tail on the donkey.
Sure wish I lived here.
Here, take my place.
Whoa.
Okay, there's only one
sure-fire way to make friends.
It's Duck-Duck-Goose time.
Alright, everybody,
Stephanie has a great idea.
It's Duck-Duck-Goose time.
In a circle. That's right.
We're ducking, we're goosing
we're having a great time!
Alright! Okay!
Sitting down! Okay!
Yeah, Duck-Duck-Goose.
My favorite.
Duck, duck, duck, duck
duck, duck, duck, duck
duck, goose!
You gotta catch me.
We're having a great time.
Hello.
Uh, go to your chair.
Find your chairs.
Who are you?
Uh, I'm this
pretty little girl's father.
Uh, okay.
What are you guys doing here?
- Who are you?
- Who me?
I'm this adorable
little girl's father.
Uh-huh.
What? Elizabeth Taylor's
daughter had seven fathers.
Whoa, Danny,
more good news
'D.J.'s goin' over the wall.'
Oh, yeah, this dad
stuff's a piece of cake.
Here. Take the little poopster.
Well, stay right here.
Okay, daddy...
and daddy and daddy.
Freeze. What is this?
I don't wanna
jump to conclusions
but it appears what we have here
is my daughter
is ditching school
throwing away her future
and basically becoming
a juvenile delinquent.
In a nutshell, yes.
Would you mind
if I ask you a question
before you go
knock off a 7-eleven?
Why are you dropping
out of school?
Because they put me
in the smart class.
The advanced class?
D.J., that's wonderful.
Dad, it's Geek-ville, USA.
These kids,
the first day of school
they brought homework.
And get this,
I'm the only blonde.
And worst of all,
they split me and Kimmy up.
Oh.
I know you're disappointed
but it's not like
you'll never see Kimmy again.
She lives next door.
Dad, you don't understand.
Kimmy and I have
always been in the same class.
And now I'm in
a room full of eggheads.
They're worse than eggheads.
They're omelet-heads.
D.J., it's the omelet-heads
who rule the world.
You really should
give this a chance.
Do you know why?
Why?
Because if you don't
try new things
you're never gonna know
what you're missing out on.
(Stephanie)
'Bye.'
- Bye, dad.
- 'Hold it.'
Where do you
think you're going?
Home.
You're not going anywhere.
Nobody's going anyplace
unless it's back
into those two rooms.
- There she is.
- I got this.
What you need to understand--
- Dad?
- Yes?
Stay.
Let me just talk
to my sister alone, okay?
Woman to woman.
I think I can help.
Alright.
You can talk to her.
But remember..
...I'm trusting you.
I promise we won't
try to make a break for it.
Okay.
Steph..
What's wrong?
No friends.
You can't expect to make
friends the first day.
You know when
I started kindergarten
I didn't know
anybody, either.
What about Kimmy?
We were just in the same class
but I didn't talk
to Kimmy for six months.
Because she's an airhead?
She's not an airhead.
She just hates thinking.
That's probably why we're
not in the same class anymore.
I just got stuck in
a room full of omelet-heads
where I don't know
one person. It's pretty scary.
Real scary.
But, Steph, you can't run away
every time you're scared.
If you don't try new things
you'll never know what
you're missing out on.
Where did I hear that?
Oh, no.
He was right.
Who was right?
Uh, you don't know him.
Anyways, making
new friends takes time
but you got one really
good friend at school already.
Who?
Me.
And I'm right
down the hall. Room seven.
You can't miss me. I'm the only
omelet-head with blonde hair.
Thanks.
[bell rings]
Steph, I'll
go back to my class
if you go back to yours, okay?
Okay.
♪ The itsy-bitsy spider ♪
♪ Went up the waterspout ♪
♪ Down came the rain ♪
♪ And washed the spider out ♪
♪ Out came the sun and... ♪♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪♪
[theme music]