[theme music]
♪ What ever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get
to livin' here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
that knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪♪
[thunder crashing]
- Aah!
(Danny)
'Joey!'
What's going on down here?
What's with all the screaming?
Danny, this psycho
was about to mash my potato.
I was not.
I heard a noise down here.
- I thought it was a prowler.
- Liar.
Shh!
Follow me. It's over here.
- Hello?
- Oh!
Don't ever say hello
to your father like that again.
Do you guys play baseball
every night
after we go to sleep?
Well, actually, girls, um..
...your Uncle Jesse's
holding a bat
because he's a wee bit
miffed at me.
A wee bit miffed?
I'm miffed off.
When I think about what
you did to me tonight--
Come on, Jesse,
let's let bygones be bygones.
Alright. Bye. You're gone.
I don't know
what's going on here
but why don't you guys
just stop this and..
...give each other a hug?
A high five?
I'm not in the mood.
You know why?
I'll tell you why.
It's all because
of a little story entitled
"Mean Mr. Joey stabs
sweet, innocent Uncle Jesse
in the back."
- Story time.
- Yeah.
Girls, you don't want to hear
"Mean Mr. Joey stabs
sweet, innocent Uncle Jesse
in the back," do you?
Yeah. It's got a great title.
Alright, one quick story.
But don't even think about
staying up to watch "Letterman."
This better be PG.
It all started last week.
The exterminator business
was slow
so I decided to start
teaching guitar.
I was waiting
for my new student to show up.
[guitar music]
♪ She's a lady ♪
Alright, she's not.
♪ She's a woman ♪
♪ She's a muchacha ♪
Maybe she's a man.
Uncle Jesse..
there's a girl
here to see you.
This one's great.
Oh. That must be
my new guitar student.
Yeah, right.
Come on in!
Hi.
[strums]
I'm Corinna Spicer.
I'm Jesse Cochran.
I'm outta here.
Corinna?
That's-that's
a real pretty name.
So, welcome to the, uh,
Jesse Cochran school of music.
- I'll take this, please.
- Thanks.
Interesting decor.
I don't meet a lot of men
with little pink bunnies
on their walls.
I'm also a mouseketeer.
I like that in a man.
Good, because today
is "anything can happen" day.
Here, take a seat.
Why? Because we like you.
- I kill myself.
- Uh.
But, Jesse, I have to warn you.
I have absolutely
no musical experience.
I teach second grade
and I wanna accompany
my kids on sing-alongs.
That's wonderful!
You get to work
with children.
I love youngsters.
- Uncle Jesse--
- Not now.
Aww.
Aww!
Poor Mr. Teddy.
I'll tell you what,
as soon as we're done
I'll help you sew
Mr. Teddy's head
right back on to
Mr. Teddy's body.
Okay, honeybunch, sugar pie?
Honeybunch? Sugar pie?
This is weird.
[laughing]
You're pretty.
Watch him.
[chuckles]
My little niece.
I could just..
Okay..
Back to music.
Alright, now.
I'm gonna teach you
two simple chords.
And in no time you're gonna be
playing a song. Alright?
First chord, it's an A chord.
[chuckles]
A chord!
You're real pretty
when you smile like that.
Sorry. B-back to music.
[clears throat]
Anyway, the next chord
would be a D chord.
Which is this note,
this note, and that note.
Try that.
Um..
[guitar strums]
Perfect. Good.
You now have
more musical knowledge
than Twisted Sister.
With those two chords,
you can play 374 tunes
including such
campfire favorites as..
♪ Hang down your head
Tom Dooley ♪
♪ Hang down your head ♪
♪ Wise men say ♪
♪ Only fools rush in ♪
♪ But I ♪
♪ I just can't help ♪
♪ Falling in love ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ Hang down your head
Tom Dooley ♪
Everybody sing along.
♪ Poor boy you're bound to die ♪
There's that chord again.
Very nice.
Let's try the strum.
This one, that one, this one,
that one. Good.
(Jesse)
After the lesson,
I invited Corinna
out for a little ride
on my motorcycle.
Seven hours later..
- Wa!
That's the power laugh.
That's good.
You wanna stay and have a drink?
Oh, I really can't.
I have other plans.
But thank you for a great day.
A guitar lesson,
a picnic by the bay.
Candlelight dinner
in the wine country.
You do this
for all your students?
Well, that was
the deluxe lesson.
That will be $475.
- The check's in the mail.
- Alright.
I'll see you next lesson,
Wednesday night?
Okay.
Corinna.
I had a really
nice time today.
- Ew!
Those are my nieces.
- Bye, Jesse.
- Bye, Corinna.
Have mercy.
Don't ever "Ew"
when your uncle's kissing.
[giggling]
Joey, this was actually cleaner
when food was cooking in it.
Jesse, we saved you some chili.
Not hungry.
Oh, brother, not again.
Okay..
What's her name?
Corinna.
Corinna?
Don't you ever meet
a Debbie or a Susie?
Okay, fine. You guys crack
all the jokes you want.
But I'm telling you..
...when our eyes met,
there was magic.
With you there's always magic
because you wear a top hat
and pull white doves
out of your pants.
Fine. That's fine.
In Jesse's defense..
...when it comes to love..
...I think anything is possible.
I felt the same instant
magic when I met Pam.
She walked into
my 10th grade geometry class
sat down right next to me,
and I said..
[high-pitched]
"Hi. Can I borrow
your slide rule?"
You didn't reach puberty
by the 10th grade?
Not till I met Pam.
The next morning
I woke up with a mustache.
I'm sorry.
No sale, boys.
Love just does not
happen that fast.
Hey, guys, you know
how I know it's real?
I can't stop smiling.
I'm just smiling away
like I'm Nancy Reagan.
I just can't stop smiling.
I stopped, thanks to him.
But Corinna and me
were madly in love.
We did see him kissing.
- Ew!
Jesse, please stop making out
in front of my kids.
Mr. Back-stabber..
...why don't you tell everybody
what you did today?
Well, I woke up,
turned off the alarm
did that stretching thing--
Not the stretching thing,
the back-stabbing thing!
Hey, could you pick up
the pace a little bit?
I'd like to get
the girls to bed
before "Good morning, America."
Well, it was stormy, and..
...me and Danny and the girls
were getting ready
to watch "The Wizard of Oz."
Here we go. Popcorn du jour.
All in honor of Stephanie's
first viewing
of "The Wizard of Oz."
I'm psyched.
You should be, honey.
It's the sweetest little movie.
There's this pretty girl Dorothy
and she's got this
adorable dog Toto
who gets kidnapped
by this horrible witch.
But she gets her dog back
and her house flies
through the air
and then it-it lands
on this other horrible witch
whose feet curl up
like party favors.
[doorbell rings]
Trust me, honey.
It's the sweetest little movie.
Hi. I'm, uh, Joey.
Can I help you, please?
- I'm here to see Jesse.
- Aren't they all?
I'm Corinna Spencer.
I have a guitar lesson.
Oh, Jesse called to say
he's running a little bit late.
Uh, would you like to watch
"The Wizard of Oz" with us?
Oh, that's
my favorite movie. Yeah.
Uh, it's mine, too.
Come on in.
Uh, Corinna, this is Danny,
Stephanie, DJ, and Michelle.
- Corinna.
- Hi.
[thunder rumbling]
Oh, dad, something happened
to the TV.
It's snowing in Kansas.
The cable goes out every
time there's a storm.
Fix it.
Steph, this is not something
I can fix.
Fix it.
Steph, I'm gonna call
the cable company.
You'll get a busy signal.
Fix it.
Why wasn't I born
a cable repairman?
Hey, no problem. I do that
"Wizard of Oz" bit in my act.
Somebody do something.
I'm very upset.
Okay, everybody gather around
for "The Wizard of Oz."
Grab a seat right in front.
Here we go.
[imitating wind]
[high-pitched]
Dorothy, Dorothy!
[higher-pitched]
Aunty Em, Aunty Em!
A twister! A twister!
A twister!
[cackling]
[imitating wind]
[imitating owl hooting]
Oh, it sure is scary
around these parts.
There's probably lions
and tigers and bears.
Oh, my. Come on, you guys.
(both)
Lions and tigers
and bears. Oh, my!
Lions and tigers
and bears. Oh, my!
Rruuff! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Put 'em up. Put 'em up.
♪ If I were king
of the forest ♪
Ha ha ha.
I am the great and powerful Oz!
Ssss! I'm melting! Melting!
I feel like...butter.
You've always had the power
to get back to Kansas.
Just click your heels
together three times and say..
"There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
'There's no place like home."'
[imitating wind]
Ah! Dorothy, wake up.
Your teeth are finished.
[clapping]
Well, what did you think?
Fix it!
Oh, Joey, I loved it.
Yeah. That was
an incredible simulation.
I hope you don't feel bad
when I rent the tape tomorrow.
Okay, girls, come on.
It's time to get you
into your pajamas
and ready for bed.
- Aww.
This should only take
five or six hours.
- 'Goodnight, Joey.'
- 'Goodnight.'
[chuckles]
Oh, great kids.
Yeah, they're the greatest kids
in the history of kids.
I love how children
are so open and natural.
I think that's why
I went into teaching.
That's why
I refuse to grow up.
Oh, you seem
pretty grown up to me.
[chuckles]
Who? Me?
The guy who keeps
Abe Lincoln on a stick
in his bedroom?
Joey, you are so funny.
I-I think that
a sense of, uh, humor
is a very sexy
quality in a man.
Your girlfriend must adore you.
Oh, I don't-I don't
have a girlfriend.
- You're not seeing anybody?
- Well, sort of.
I'm seeing the dentist
next Wednesday.
Well, if things don't work out
between you and the dentist..
...maybe you and I
could get together.
Well, Dr. Hoffman's pretty cute
but he is married.
So, uh, pick a time.
How about right after
my guitar lesson with Jesse?
Jesse. Corinna.
Jesse...yeah.
Uh, yeah. Excuse me.
I'm gonna go check on
something in the kitchen.
- Can I give you a hand?
- Uh, no. I'm doing fine.
Okay. Okay.
What exactly
are you checking on?
Oh, I'm just doing
some, uh, random checking.
There's salt, pepper.
Duck.
Stove.
Sink. Faucet.
Jesse's girl.
Well, everything checks out.
You know, he's really
crazy about you.
Yeah, well,
Jesse's really a terrific guy
and we had a really
nice day together.
But to be honest,
there was nothing
really special between us.
That's not exactly
how Jesse puts it.
And if there's one thing
in life that's sacred..
...you never mess
with a buddy's girl.
But I'm not his girl.
All Jesse and I
had between us
was one little
innocent kiss goodbye.
It was nothing, really.
It was one of these.
Oh, that right there,
that was-that was nothing.
It's how I kiss my grandmother.
You must be very close.
It was like four lips
shaking hands.
Look, I know.
We can try it again.
[thunder crashing]
Oh, good. You're home.
[thunder rumbling]
(Joey)
So where was I?
I came in and found you
kissing the woman of my dreams.
Oh, yeah.
Good memory.
'So there we were.'
Jesse had walked in to find me
kissing the woman of his dreams.
Oh, good. You're home.
What the hell's
going on here?
Well, Jesse, actually,
it's-it's very simple.
Um, Corinna was choking
on some bad cheese
so I initiated
a Heimlich maneuver.
And when that didn't work
I tried to suck out
the cheese..
...using the hoover maneuver.
So you weren't kissing?
You were searching for cheese?
You look upset.
Oh, why would I be upset?
You saving the life of someone
who's very special to me.
- Jesse--
- Oh, Corinna, please.
Now, I'm not really in the mood
to give a guitar lesson tonight.
Besides, you're probably
still reeling
from that near death by cheese.
Why don't you
go home and practice?
Jesse, wait a minute.
There's something
I have to say.
Corinna really wasn't choking
on any bad cheese.
No!
We were kissing.
No!
Corinna, Joey and I
should probably, uh..
have a word together alone.
Look, I'm-I'm really sorry
if there's any misunderstanding.
I didn't mean
to cause any trouble.
Oh, there won't be any trouble.
Jesse and I are
very close friends.
We'll have a heart to heart
and work this thing out
in a very calm,
rational, adult manner.
Come here! Come here, you!
Freeze!
I have a baby
and I know how to use it.
- Joey--
- I'm warning you, she's loaded.
Put the baby down.
Not a chance.
Good.
Okay, fine. I'll wait.
You've got to put
the kid down sometime.
Two or three days,
that diaper's gonna weigh
five to six hundred pounds.
Jesse, I'm really sorry.
I should have stopped
everything cold
before anything happened.
I should have talked to you.
- Really?
- Yeah, you-you were right.
I-I felt this instant magic
and I fell in love with her.
You fell in love with her?
You can't fall
in love with her, man.
I fell in love with her first!
I'm sorry,
but she likes me more.
How can she like you
more than she likes me?
Boys, stop this.
Michelle has enough love
for all of us.
Don't make her choose.
Now, both of you,
give her a kiss.
Go ahead. Give her a kiss.
[Michelle cooing]
So now a second woman
had come between us.
I wanted to talk things out
but Jesse said
he couldn't stand to look at me.
Apparently, a Louisville slugger
puts him in the mood
for a conversation.
I told you I heard a noise.
I wasn't gonna bat you.
Alright, girls,
it's time to go to sleep.
Your Uncle Jesse
and Joey have told you
a wonderful bedtime story.
I'm sure you'll have visions
of jealous little sugarplums
dancing in your heads.
Wait a minute.
How does the story end?
Well, Joey's guilt
drives him totally insane.
But no one knows
the difference.
I don't think so.
Wake us up and tell us
who gets the girl.
There's a whole different world
that starts the second
we go to sleep.
- Goodnight.
Guys, come here.
What do you want now?
Before you guys duel
to the death
let's have one more
conversation to work this out.
Not with this scum.
Okay, then, just talk to me.
Let me ask you boys
a question or two
about your beloved Corinna.
What are the things she cares
about most in the world?
What does she look for
in a relationship with a man?
Let's try this one.
What color are her eyes?
- Hazel.
- Green.
Green-hazel, hazel-green.
They have white around
the edge, I think.
Anybody know her last name?
- Spicer.
Pat Sajak knows more
about his contestants.
You know, I don't think..
...you fell in love
with Corinna.
That takes time.
I think maybe you fell in love
with being in love.
Am I right, Jesse?
I do seem to fall
in love a lot.
But it's just
because I'm always hoping
that this is the one.
I just want to meet
one nice, special girl
I can spend my life with.
Aw, Jesse.
Everybody wants that.
But you don't
have to try so hard.
When the right
woman comes along..
...you really will know it.
I could have sworn
Corinna was it.
[sighs]
Maybe I did go
a little overboard.
I guess I was just shocked
that she liked me
as much as I liked her.
Why are you shocked?
Have a little faith
in yourself.
You're a good guy.
As much as I hate to admit it..
...it seems like
Corinna likes you
more than she likes me.
God, I hate to admit it.
Alright, you're not scum.
I know that comes
from your heart, Jess.
That was almost semi-touching.
[Corinna sneezes]
You hear that noise?
I told you someone's out here.
- Hi.
- Corinna?
What are you doing here?
Come in.
I-I really felt terrible
about tonight
and I came back to apologize.
'But then I heard shouting,
so I decided to go home.'
Then I felt even worse,
so I decided to come back.
Look...you both are great guys
and I would hate to do anything
to mess up your friendship.
I'm really sorry.
Okay, now I'm going
to go home again. Goodbye.
Hold on a second.
I may have met you first
but I...think we all know
who belongs together here.
Why don't you take
some time and..
...get to know Joey.
He's a good guy.
He's got pajama problems, but..
I love this guy.
Hug her, not me.
- Sorry.
- Big dummy.
Come on, Jesse,
let's leave these two alone.
[exhales heavily]
By the way..
...what were you really
gonna do with the bat?
I was gonna kill him.
That's what I would have done.
- Ew!
- Goodnight.
- 'Goodnight.'
- Goodnight.
[theme music]