♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get
delivered here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dream so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a place ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪
♪ Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[Joey imitating theme music from
"2001: A Space Odyssey"]
Is this normal?
It is for Joey.
Girls, wait till you hear
what happened to me today.
It's amazing.
It's incredible.
It's unbelievable!
- What happened? Tell us!
- Yeah!
Right now!
Can't tell you.
I hate it when he does that.
I'll tell you just as soon as
everyone gets home.
Oh, boy,
what a day.
Come here, girls.
Give your Uncle J a kiss.
Very nice.
Listen, girls, I know
how much you look up to me
but no matter how glamorous
you think my life is
don't ever kill bugs
for a living.
(together)
Ah.
Urgh. Joseph.
Hey, buddy.
Insect world
got you down?
Well, close your eyes
because I am gonna send you
to a land of sunshine
and flowers.
Smell this.
Joey, you've been riding in
the dryer again, haven't you?
I'm just in a great mood.
I want to tell you
what happened
but I can't yet.
Uncle Jesse, he's
driving us crazy.
Yeah. Make him tell us.
Okay, Joey.
- What's up?
- Can't tell you.
The man will not crack.
Hi, girls.
(together)
Hi, dad.
Bye, girls.
Okay, Joey, we're all here.
Spill your guts.
I have been chosen
as one of the hot
up-and-coming comics
to go on a two week,
16 college tour.
- Yes!
- Alright!
I knew you'd get a job!
[hissing]
Oh, the man is hot!
Well, there's
only one problem.
I'm not sure if
I'm gonna go or not.
- Joey!
- Why not?
(Stephanie)
'What are you talkin' about?'
Well, when I moved in here,
I made a commitment
to help with the girls and
cook and clean and do laundry.
I-I can't just
take off like that.
Joey, you have worked too long
and too hard to pass this up.
Man, this could be
your big break.
You gotta go for it.
You're going.
Yeah, but what
about the kids?
Both you guys work.
- We'll go with you.
- Yeah.
It's never too early
to look at colleges.
Let's get out
of kindergarten first.
Well, listen, guys.
It's simple.
I will fill in for Joey.
I'll just take a couple
weeks off the bug biz.
- You can do that?
- Sure.
I work for my dad.
Can't fire me 'cause
my mom won't let him.
[chuckles]
You guys sure you can
get along without me?
- Yeah, go have some fun.
- Absolutely.
- Ha ha ha.
- Yeah, groovy.
Great. Ahh.
Baby, you're
the greatest.
[chuckles]
Thanks, Ralph.
Girls.
You touch me,
the deal's off.
It's too late.
I've already started.
Ah, jeez.
That's no penguin.
That's George Bush.
[laughing on recorder]
Oh, no. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
It's wonderful
to be here at, uh..
...fill-in-the-blank college.
Home of the fighting,
uh, some animal.
Oh, no. Cut it out, okay?
Just a little
confidence builder.
Oh, some of your finest work.
[Joey laughing]
Why don't I go upstairs and work
on this week's
basketball blooper reel.
Joey..
...there seems to have been
an explosion in your alcove
which has hurled
most of your possessions
to the four corners
of the living room.
[laughing on recorder]
I'm sorry.
I love this machine.
Look, Danny.
I'll clean up, okay?
You go work on
your blooper reel and, uh..
...I'll get back to
writing college material.
'Now get out of here. Go on.'
[instrumental music on radio]
Steph, what
are you doing?
I'm practicing for
my next honeybee meeting.
That's very nice, but
I'm trying to rehearse.
Go ahead.
It won't bother me.
[instrumental music on radio]
Hey, Jess, I'm looking
for a place to rehearse.
Good luck.
[guitar music]
Uncle Jesse, I'm trying
to do my homework.
[whispering]
Sorry.
Betcha Chuck Berry didn't have
to live with three nieces.
[guitar music]
Michelle.
Michelle,
are you busy?
[Michelle babbles]
[parrot babbling]
Sorry, I didn't know
you had company.
Sorry, I didn't know
you had company.
Good night.
[laughing on radio]
Oh.
Cut it out. You people
are too much..
Quit it. Got a..
Get out of here.
[laughs]
And now, ladies and gentlemen
a dramatic presentation.
A little something
I like to call
ode to a fountain.
Ta-da!
Joey, that looks so real.
Every time I see you
do your fountain act
I want to throw
pennies on your face
and make a wish.
Well, just wish that I do
that well on the tour.
Oh, you'll be great.
I finished my homework so you
can rehearse in my room.
But please don't spit on my bed.
Oh, D.J., it's okay.
The garage really
isn't that bad.
It's freezing.
Ha!
Your wrap, Madame?
Merci beaucoup.
Ooh la la.
I didn't know you kept
your clothes in your car.
Well, that alcove
is so small.
But my trunk makes
a good closet.
The worst part, D.J.,
is not having any privacy.
I know what you mean.
I live with a five-year-old
who thinks that I was born
so that she'd have
someone to play with.
Not that I'm complaining.
No, of course not.
D.J., in my pre-alcove days
I lived like a king.
I had my own door
four walls and a light switch.
It was Camelot.
Not that I'm complaining.
Well, in my pre-Stephanie days
my Bananarama poster
didn't have to share the wall
with Rainbow Brite.
(together)
Not that I'm complaining.
Well, if you need a place
to keep your socks
my bike basket
is all yours.
Thanks, D.J.
But I keep my socks
in the glove compartment.
If you really wanna do
me a favor, you can get me
another glass of water
so I can finish washing
the rest of the car.
You got it.
[instrumental music]
And it was just so sad.
I mean, there was Joey
alone in the cold garage
spitting water onto the air..
...for nobody.
That is sad.
Could have been worse.
We could've had to watch it.
Right, Michelle?
Dad, Joey has no
place to rehearse.
Isn't there something we
can all do to help him?
What Joey really needs
is his own room.
Yes, you're right.
Joey needs a room.
Okay, let's stop
and think about this.
Darn, no rooms.
Oh, well, we thought about it.
I'm kidding,
I'm joking, I..
See? She knows
I'm joking.
Huh?
- Daddy.
- What?
Joey's not here yet.
Time out, Stephanie.
Honey, let's have
a little talk
about this lookout thing.
The key is to let us know
when Joey is coming
not when Joey
is not coming.
This is harder
than I thought.
No, sweetie, it's easy.
All you have to do
is when you see Joey coming
you give us
the secret code.
Um, "the duck
flies at midnight."
"The duck flies
at midnight."
I should get
paid for this.
Okay, I got this
all figured out.
Now if I move into
Michelle's room
Joey moves into my room,
Michelle moves into the alcove
and Stephanie gets her very own
tent in the backyard.
I don't think so.
Okay, plan B..
If we put bunk beds
in Jesse's room
that means Uncle Jesse and Joey
could be roommates.
Great idea, huh?
I don't think so.
Oh, here you are.
The duck, the turtle
the chicken drives to 7-11!
At midnight.
(Danny)
'It's a new catch phrase.'
All the kids
are saying it.
Well, what's going on in here?
Uh, well, w-we're doing
this new family ritual
where we sing
Michelle to sleep.
- A new family ritual?
- Mm-hmm.
Why didn't
you guys call me?
Why didn't we call..
Well, uh, that's simple too.
W-what it is we're doing this
4-part harmony thing tonight
and here we go,
one, two, three, four..
♪ Lullaby ♪
♪ Oh, the farmer
in the dell ♪
♪ And good night ♪
♪ The farmer
in the dell ♪
♪ And the words
we're not sure of ♪
♪ The farmer
in the dell ♪
♪ The farmer
in the dell.. ♪♪
We've got to get Joey
out of that alcove.
You're right.
- Why didn't--
- The duck! The duck!
[instrumental music]
♪ Boil them cabbage down boy ♪
♪ Turn them cakes brown ♪
♪ The only song
I have to sing ♪
♪ Is boil
that cabbage down ♪
Jess, the girls'
after-school activities
for the next two weeks
are in blue
except for D.J.'s
dental appointment
which is in green.
And I put the cleaning
schedule in pink.
Alex, I'll take
dental appointments for 50.
Good morning,
my friends.
(together)
Good morning.
Just in time.
We've got your eggs.
We've got your bacon,
we've got your toast
we've got your milk,
we've got your orange juice
and the morning paper
sports section on the top.
It looks like Jesse.
It sounds like Jesse.
I think I'll keep him.
Hey, all Hazel's done so far
is make breakfast.
Well, what do
you guys think?
They're great.
I'll have seconds.
Seconds? Okay.
Seconds for you and seconds
for you, alright?
Thanks.
How come nobody ever asks
for a second helping
of my eggs?
So, uh, Jess...did
Michelle eat?
Yeah, like a horse. She's
sleeping it off in her playpen.
Way to go, Jess.
I-I'm sorry.
I'm late for work.
Joey, buddy,
you are on your way.
Knock 'em dead.
Blow 'em away.
You're gonna kill 'em.
You're in a very
violent business.
See you guys later.
Thanks. Made myself
an egg McJesse.
Alright.
Did you, uh,
think of an alternative
to Joey's alcove problem?
Oh, not yet. But I stayed up
all night thinkin' about it.
I thought you had a date.
Okay, I stayed up all night.
Well, let's keep thinking.
- Alright. See ya.
- Bye, girls.
(together)
Bye, dad.
[horn honking]
It's the bus!
I'm sorry. I forgot
to pack your lunches.
Ah tut tut tut tut!
Feed bags, young ladies.
- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
- You're welcome.
- Bye, Joey. Good luck.
- Bye.
Bye, Joey. Have fun.
Thanks. Bye.
We'll see you in a month.
Uh, in two weeks.
Joseph, you better get going,
man. You're gonna be late.
Now, Jess, remember,
I left all the important--
Joey, we can
take care of it.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, we don't need you.
Now go, TCB.
Take care of business.
- Come on. Go.
- But I-I--
LRN. Leave right now.
In other words, WAYG?
Why aren't
you gone? Go.
Okay. I'm going.
♪ Boil that
cabbage down boy ♪
♪ Turn 'em.. ♪
Hi, Michelle.
Yeah.
[Michelle mumbling]
Uh-huh. No,
I haven't left yet.
But I'm going
for two weeks.
Something's going on here.
I mean, they're having
family rituals without me.
I can be replaced
like that
by a rock 'n' roll exterminator.
You know, maybe they don't
need me.
[Michelle mumbling]
Yeah, I know.
I think you're the only one
who cares about me.
Here. Give me a kiss.
Ah.
Okay.
Bye, Michelle.
Okay. You stay
right there.
Tell everyone
I'll miss them..
'...if they care.'
'Bye.'
[drum music on TV]
(man on TV)
'We'll be right back'
'with Judge Wapner's
decision after this.'
Hang that dry-cleaner,
Judge Wapner, hang him!
Alright. We got
the housework done.
Time for
a little dessert.
Here you go.
Tut! Who's your
favorite uncle?
I know, it's me.
Go ahead.
Alright, you know
what time it is, pal?
It's time for a little game
I like to call,
Michelle ball.
Like this.
[doorbell dings]
[laughs]
Alright, listen,
we'll go answer the door
but when we come back
you'll throw me
up in the air
and blow bubbles
on my tummy, okay?
Get it? Blow bubbles on..
I'll get the door.
- Oh, hi, Joanie.
- Hi, Jesse.
Hi, Michelle.
Where's Joey?
Joey, uh, well, he's out of town
and I'm taking over for him.
Oh, good
because it's Joey's afternoon.
Joey's afternoon?
For what?
To watch the kids.
The kids!
I watch Michelle
on Tuesdays
and the other moms take turns
the rest of the week.
The other moms?
Yeah. Like Barbara and Janice.
Barbara and Janice. Barbara!
Hi, Joanie.
Hi, Jesse.
Hi, Michelle.
Hi, Robbie.
Hi, everybody.
'Oh, Jesse'
my Robbie doesn't get along
with Barb's Benji so try
and keep them separated.
Oh, and here I thought
I'd have nothing to do.
Hi, Jesse.
- Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, Joanie.
Hi, Ryan.
Hi, Robbie.
Hi, Michelle.
Thank you very
much for coming.
Go ahead, my friend.
Listen, I'm very good
with children.
You girls go have fun.
Have a nice day.
Shop, do whatever you do.
Come back. Bye.
(together)
Bye!
(Jesse)
'Thank you.
Bye-bye, girls!'
Bye, girls and..
...we thank you.
Attention, all crumb gobblers.
Joseph's out of town.
Big J's in charge here.
'It's quite simple.'
I can be your best friend
or your worst enemy.
The choice is yours.
Laundry fight!
Bad choice.
Listen, I spent
all day cleaning.
Gentlemen, listen,
I think we can sit down and..
Fellas, I don't think, really
we should throw laundry
this afternoon.
'Thank you, thanks very much.
Thank you for that.'
How would Cosby handle this?
[instrumental music]
(D.J.)
'I miss Joey already.'
(Stephanie)
'Yeah, me too.'
(Jesse)
'Not like I miss him.'
Ah, tut tut tut!
Uncle Jesse
maybe, we should
eat without daddy.
Sometimes he comes
home real late.
But a family should
always eat together.
Now we'll give your father
five more minutes, okay?
Could we start
on some vegetables?
Did I say vegetables?
I must be starving.
Hi, honey, I'm home.
Hi, girls.
(together)
Hi, dad.
I'm sorry, I'm late,
at the last minute
I had to rush out to Oakland
to cover a "Warriors"
practice session.
Traffic was miserable.
The camera--
Give me a break.
Huh?
Don't huh me.
You waltz in here
25 minutes late
and expect sympathy?
Huh.
Well, I didn't know you--
I have cleaned the house..
...and washed and ironed
your clothes
'and ran a day care center'
for socially deviant munchkins
and missed "Oprah."
Ran this one
to a ballet lesson
this one to the dentist.
No cavities.
Thank you very much.
Do you realize that I have
slaved over a hot stove
so you could have a hot meal
when you come home?
Huh? Hmm-hmm, hmm?
- Jesse, I'm sorry.
- Sorry, ha!
Sorry.
Sorry doesn't
change the fact
that my chicken
tetrazzini is ruined!
Ruined!
It's all dried out.
But do you have
the common courtesy
to call me and tell me
you're gonna be
25 minutes late, no!
Well
I am not an animal.
Oh, my God. What's
happening to me?
I'm turning
into June Cleaver.
Ah.
You are a beautiful human being.
'Jesse, the first day
is always the toughest.'
No.
Hey, my sad
little soldier
this will
perk you up.
I figured out
the perfect solution
to Joey's alcove problem.
I talked to some contractors
and during the next two weeks
we are going to build Joey
his own bedroom.
Good idea!
Oh, great.
Another room for me to clean.
Uncle Jesse, your
chicken's pretty good.
Yeah. It's just
a little dry.
[instrumental music]
I'm back.
The duck flies at midnight!
I got it!
Okay, everybody be cool.
Don't say a thing.
Okay. Whose turn is it?
What do you got there?
(Danny)
'Okay, I'd like to buy Indiana.'
(Jesse)
Alright. $500.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Don't forget
the change.
(Jesse)
'There you go. Alright,
whose turn..'
Uh, hello.
- Hi, Joe.
- Hi, Joey.
Alright, whose turn is it?
How did the college tour go?
Fine. Real good.
How did everything go here?
Oh, real cool.
The house is cool,
kids are cool.
There's some Peking duck
in the fridge for you.
Just out of curiosity
would anybody happen to know
where all my stuff is?
Yeah. We-we moved it
down to the garage.
Oh. I see.
(Jesse)
'I think it's your turn.'
Well, uh, maybe there's
something else
you'd like to tell me,
like good-bye.
Joey.
Adios? Am-scray?
- Joey.
- Hit the road, Joey.
Joey, your stuff
is in the garage.
Go check it out.
I'll check it out
and then, I'll pack it up.
You just threw all my stuff
down in the garage?
Why didn't you just fling
it out on the front lawn?
Am I still getting
my mail here
or did you forward it
to the gutter?
'I didn't demand
to move in here.'
I volunteered to help out.
If you didn't
need my help
all you had to say was..
...Joey is an idiot.
Oh, ho-ho!
I got a bathroom,
my jets
manny, my bed.
I love it!
You deserve it!
How did you guys
get my old furniture?
Your mom.
What happened to all
the junk that was down here?
Attic.
Where's your motorcycle?
Back yard.
Hey, where we gonna
park our cars?
Street.
This was the garage?
Danny, this must have
cost a fortune.
Don't ask.
Joey, you're my best friend
and you're doing me
the biggest favor
of my life by helping me
raise my girls.
This is just our way
of saying thanks.
No one has ever done
anything like this
for me before.
And the best part is
as great as my new room is
you guys really want me here.
Are you kidding?
You're a part
of our family.
Face it, pal.
You're a Tanner.
[laughs]
Welcome home, Joseph.
Tomorrow, you're
on the day shift.
Steph, I got great news.
This means you can
move into the alcove!
You're too good to me.
It's all yours.
Thanks for the room, everybody.
Forward your mail
to the gutter, huh?
Fling your stuff
on the lawn, huh?
I was kidding.
I'm a comedian.
I'm in the kidding business.
Kid this, buddy.
[instrumental music]
[screaming]
♪ Ahh ♪♪
[theme music]