[theme music]
♪ What ever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get
to livin' here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ There ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart
there's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪♪
So, Kimmy, you want
to stay for dinner?
Maybe. What are you havin'?
Uh, Joey's cooking,
so I'm not really sure.
It's something in an earth tone.
Pass. But if my dog Sinbad
is hungry I'll send him over.
Don't do that. I love Sinbad.
Stephanie,
why are you following us?
Because you keep leaving me.
Steph, I know you're only five
and you have no life of your own
but Kimmy and I are
talking woman-to-woman.
I'm a woman.
I'm a little woman,
but I'm a woman.
Steph, when Kimmy leaves,
you and I can have a nice
sister-to-sister talk.
Unless I get a phone call.
You're so good to me.
[squealing]
Did you guys hear that noise?
It sounded like a monster.
Steph, you're always
making up monster noises.
There's nothing to worry about.
Although, you do look like
that kid in "Poltergeist"
who got sucked up in the TV
and said, "They're ba-a-ck."
Real funny.
[imitating Japanese]
Ooh, you gonna love this,
Michelle.
[gibberish]
Hi.
- Hai!
Hai!
How you doin'?
[both growling]
Hey, Michelle.
Hey, Jesse, some woman
named Brianna called.
She said she'll meet you
at 8 o'clock.
Who's Brianna?
Well, I terminated
her termites, and, uh..
she wanted to thank me,
so we came up with a few ideas
if you will.
'You went out wearing
a cockroach on your back'
and you came back
with a date?
Look, Joey, don't beat around
the bush, if you want to borrow
my jumpsuit, just say so.
Uncle Jesse, something horrible
is in the house.
You're telling me.
Hey, Jess, grab Michelle, help
me set the table, would you?
Alright. Okay.
Come on, Michelle.
Great news. I've got great news.
Thank goodness you're home!
I missed you, too, honey.
Did you miss all of me
or just my leg?
Stephanie thinks she heard
a monster in the garage.
But if you ask me, it's just
a desperate plea for attention.
DJ, stop watching "Oprah"
and start doing your homework.
So...now you're hearing
a garage monster
instead of just
that closet monster.
Which by the way, honey,
we never really found.
Maybe because..
...the closet monster
moved into the garage.
Uh...just to
catch everybody up, uh..
I walked in here saying
"Hey, great news, great news."
Oh, I got great news.
I met a girl today.
That's not news, that's sports.
Let's give dad a break.
So what's your
great news, great news?
Okay. Thank you.
As you all know
all the TV stations in this city
are fighting each other
tooth and nail
for better ratings.
Congratulations, daddy.
Steph, honey,
that's not the great news.
Anyway, my station is
putting together a special promo
kind of,
like a little commercial.
About each of its newscasters.
Now here comes
the great news, Steph.
They've picked
your father to be first.
Oh, great. Yeah.
- Good.
- Alright.
I feel the energy.
Oh, by the way, uh..
...you're all going
to be on TV with me.
[all cheering]
Oh, I knew
you'd be happy for me.
So they're coming
to the house tomorrow
to film our whole family.
- Alright. I like that.
- Yeah!
Alright, everybody chow down.
Should we send out
for pizza or Chinese?
(all)
Pizza.
It is pizza.
[squealing]
They're ba-a-ck.
Steph, did you
make that noise?
Why would I make a noise
that's scaring me to death?
Can I sleep with you
in your bed?
Alright. Come on over.
Does this mean you believe me
about the monster?
I'm not saying yes,
and I'm not saying no.
I'm just saying get over here!
What if he's under the bed
waiting to eat my feet?
Reel me in, DJ.
Faster! Faster!
Faster!
Bless you.
You forgot
to turn out the light.
[squealing]
Forget the light.
Run for your life!
- Monster! Monster!
- Help! Help!
Mon..
...ster.
What's going on?
We got the monster
trapped in our room.
Go get it, Uncle Jesse.
You're a creepy-crawler killer.
I'm a pest control specialist,
thank you.
Pardon me.
Go kill it!
Jesse, humor them.
Unless there is something
creeping and crawling in there
in which case..
...go kill it.
You know, in every movie
the hero is always a soldier
or a cop, a private eye.
Never once, never once
have they made a movie
about the real American hero.
The exterminator.
(together)
Pest-control specialist.
Coming soon
to a theater near you.
Daddy, can I sleep with you
in your bed tonight?
Oh, honey, you don't want to
sleep in my bed, do you?
I guess not.
Your Uncle Jesse says
your room is monster-free
so I'm only staying here
until you two fall asleep.
Okay, dad.
Alright, daddy.
And you two
really need your sleep
because tomorrow
a nice lady is coming here
and she's gonna make
a little movie about our family.
And, girls, there are
no such things as monsters.
The closest thing,
in real life..
...are linebackers.
But they're much bigger
than monsters.
And they make a lot more money.
Get it, girls? More money?
Girls?
Goodnight.
Okay.
Oh..
The joys of fatherhood.
- Come on.
- Okay, Michelle.
This is your big TV debut.
Let's give you that
Marilyn Monroe look.
- Kind of--
- Yeah.
Bangs sweeping to the left.
Kinda, the curls framing
the face, huh?
(Jesse)
'Yeah, she's got the look
to pull it off'
but I think it'd be a crime
to cover
that pretty little face.
See, I say, we pull it back
give her a more sophisticated
kind of look.
More the Madonna,
Brigitte Nielson kind of thing.
Like this, see? Look.
That's Jack Nicholson.
Why don't we give her
kind of a, uh..
...Pebbles Flintstone
kind of a, uh, a fun do?
That's Don King.
Maybe just a bow.
Bow. Good idea.
Simple, yet it screams style.
- I'll hold it up like this.
- Okay.
- Finger.
- Okay, tie it first.
There we go.
- Alright, good.
- There you go. Finger.
Alright, now,
should we get her Reeboks
or her little Glens?
Which one?
- Ah, one of each.
- Okay.
Got that.
- You didn't just..
- Yeah, I think I did.
- That's what I thought.
- Yeah.
Baby yo-yo!
- Take it off.
- Alright.
[squealing]
You hear that noise?
You know, the girls were right.
It's the monster.
Shh. It's not a monster.
Now, I have to hear where
it's coming from. Be quiet.
[squealing]
Ah-ha!
North American
silver-footed ferret.
Adult male,
two and a half pounds.
I'd say from the echo
he's heading towards the garage.
How can you possibly know this?
It's a gift.
Alright, come on out, pal.
This is your last warning.
Get out now or be another
notch on my spray gun.
Ha ha ha!
Michelle, I'm sorry
you had to see that.
But this hair-do,
now this, it's beautiful.
It is you.
'Look-it, huh?'
Isn't that, oh, just lovely.
Look at that.
Yes.
Okay, now, that'll be $84.
Alright, how about
just a kiss? Come on.
Aww. Ha ha.
[doorbell rings]
Uncle Jesse, that could be
the TV lady.
- Do we look okay?
- You guys look beautiful.
I'm hot on the trail
of your monster.
Nail him, Uncle Jesse!
[doorbell rings]
Hi. Are you the lady
who's gonna putting us on TV?
Yes, I am.
Because you are so adorable.
Let me see you smile.
Wonderful!
Let me see if you can find
a place for my coat.
Adorable! And you
take direction, too.
My name's Ronnie.
That's short for Veronica.
I'm DJ.
That's short for Donna Jo.
I'm Stephanie.
I'm just short.
Girls..
Do you know
where your daddy is?
Daddy has been delayed
in editing
because the satellite
downlink malfunctioned
due to freakish
barometric conditions.
Ronnie feels like
such a dodo-head.
So...this is your home.
The colors are workable.
Nice angles.
Yes, I'm seeing some shots.
- What are we doing?
- We thought you knew.
Alright, pal. Come on out.
Just you and me.
Man versus ferret.
Come on.
Who are you trying
to catch? Phil Niekro?
Joseph, I have to improvise.
I left my tools in the car.
Listen, in order
to catch a ferret
you must...become one
with the ferret.
Oh, sure. Like this?
Joey, when you were a kid
did you fall out
of a tree house?
Yeah.
There he is. There he is.
Look out! I got him!
I got him. Alright.
What are you gonna do to him?
Think of it this way.
I'm moving Senor Ferret
one step up into his
spiritual enlightenment.
What's the next step up
for a ferret?
Somewhere between
rat and lawyer.
Give me the net.
Well, if you were
going after a lawyer
I'd be right behind you,
but we're talking about
one of God's innocent
little creatures.
Go. Run, ferret!
Come on, get out of here!
Go, go, go!
♪ Born free ♪
♪ As free as the wind ♪♪
There he goes. I got him.
I got him. Darn.
Ran through the crack,
up around the wall
right into the crawlspace.
Slick. Slick move, Senor Ferret.
Very good.
It's been a long time
since I've been challenged.
Come out with your paws up.
- 'Okay.'
- Zig to the right.
Zag to the left.
Go, ferret, go!
(Jesse)
'Gone, ferret, gone.'
'Damn, he lives.'
[humming victory song]
(Jesse)
'Joey, give me the ladder.'
I'm not putting the ladder back
until we have a talk.
Talk?
You've to promise me that if
you capture the ferret that
you'll let him go in a safe
and pleasant environment.
Okay, fine. I'll capture him.
I'll buy him
a little ferret condo.
Fix him up with
a hot little mink
and send him to Club Med
for the winter.
Okay. Now let's talk
about major medical.
Help me down here. Come on.
- Come on.
- I got you.
(Jesse)
'Good.'
- Hello.
These guys help take care of us.
This is Danny Tanner's family?
- I'm Jesse.
- I'm Joey.
I'm in trouble.
People, people,
we're almost ready.
Hi. Uh, I'm Danny Tanner.
You must be Ronnie Gardner.
I've been looking forward..
Great, you're here. Let's go.
..to meeting you.
Oh, that's the last of it.
Joey, where are you going
with Jupiter?
Ronnie suggested
that I move out.
- Why would Ronnie suggest that?
- No, no, Danny.
It's okay. It's no problem.
A successful comedian,
like myself
doesn't need exposure on TV.
Working in parks
and train stations
is my rocket to stardom.
Ronnie, don't you think
Joey's important?
Important?
Why, he's essential.
He is going to be...holding
the cue cards.
Thank you, Joey.
Oh, no, thank you, Ronnie.
You've given my life
new meaning.
You know, Danny,
so many sportscasters
are your typical macho,
two-fisted
iron-pumping ex-jocks.
Yeah, that's me in a nutshell.
Well, Danny Tanner
I am gonna set you apart
from the crowd.
I'm gonna sell your family
with class, style,
sophistication.
That's me, too.
- There are so many me's.
- Great.
We're just gonna do
this one rehearsal.
If you have any problems..
Well, you won't.
Outside. Don't come back in
until I say action.
Okay, everybody over here.
Come on, let's go.
Come on. Alright, ready?
You back here. And..
'...action!'
Ciao, family.
Ciao, family?
Si, si. Continue.
Okay. This is the Italian me.
- Ciao, familia.
- Sofa! Over to the sofa!
Okay, everybody around. Yeah.
Good. Here we go.
Uh-huh. Sit.
Cue Da Vinci.
Da Vinci?
Why is there a four-legged
marshmallow on my lap?
Danny, this is no
frou-frou poodle.
This is a man's poodle.
This is a poodle on steroids.
[dog barking]
Cue the girls.
Girls, girls, girls.
Da Vinci's a wrap.
[dog barking]
Um, good day, Donna Jo.
And good day to you, too,
little Stephanie.
Oh, father,
how excellent to see you.
We missed you, papa.
I'm confused.
Are we French or Italian?
Or Roquefort?
Girls, sit. Cue housekeeper.
[British accent]
Hi-ho. Teatime at the Tanner's.
Now we're English?
No, no, no, you silly bloke.
I'm the English one, you twit.
Thank you so much, Mr. French.
You're welcome, Uncle Bill.
Excuse me.
Buffy. Jody.
Now you know why
I didn't fight too hard
to stay in this thing?
What does any of this
have to do with our family?
Uh, people, people.
Focus, focus.
Crew, over by the door.
Come on, let's go.
And you, right here. Good.
And cue the baby Michelle.
Oh, baby Michelle.
Come to daddy, honey.
Hi, daddy.
Hi, honey.
Oh, she's so cute.
She's so adorable.
Who is she?
She's your adopted daughter.
We thought it'd be great
for your image.
Honey, is your mommy
or daddy nearby?
In the kitchen.
In the kitchen. Okay.
You go, you go in there
and see them.
Aw, she's so cute.
Almost as cute
as my little baby.
Where is my baby?
Well, I wanted to go
for the adopted daughter.
Actually, Michelle just wasn't
quite right for the part.
You're saying
my daughter wasn't right
for the part of my daughter?
I auditioned for the part
and I came that close.
I don't believe this.
How could you guys
let yourselves
get talked into this?
Well, we knew how important
it was to you
and...well, we played along.
Just in case you actually
went for this crazy cartoon.
I don't think you understand.
Television news
is a very competitive market.
You've got to do
something different.
You've got to make a noise.
You've got to make a splash.
I think you splashed down
from another planet.
Wait.
I'm getting a vision.
I'm seeing a loving family.
I'm seeing...friends
who will do anything
to help each other.
You know what I'm seeing?
I'm seeing my children
playing the part
of my children.
Nice. Sweet.
Not insane.
It's been done.
Yeah, but not by us.
Hey, I'm proud of who we are.
And unless you want
to show people
the real Tanner family
I'm just gonna have to direct
this thing myself.
Oh, if you're gonna direct,
then what am I gonna do?
Oh, it's quite simple, Ronnie.
You will hold the cue cards.
Alright, quiet, everybody.
It's on, it's on.
- Alright, watch this.
- Okay.
Hello.
I'm Danny Tanner.
I do the sports
for Channel 8 Newsbeat.
Every day at 4, 6 and 10
you're kind enough
to invite me into your home
and make me
a part of your family.
Well, I'd like to
introduce you to my family.
Follow me.
Like you have a choice.
[laughs]
Come on. Don't be afraid.
Meet my stairs.
My loafers, my socks,
my slacks.
Right this way.
Oh, there you are. Golly.
Hi, girls. Daddy's home.
- Hi, dad!
This happens every night.
I swear.
This is my daughter DJ.
And this is Stephanie.
Look, girls, dad brought
home a camera crew.
We know, dad.
Yeah, dad. You came up here
five minutes ago and told us.
Honesty.
I teach my girls honesty.
Watch my dad do the sports
weeknights on Channel 8.
At 4, 6 and 10.
- Don't miss him.
Marketing.
I also teach them marketing.
This way, this way.
Boy, you move fast.
This is my other little girl,
Michelle.
Not this one, this one.
- Is she ready?
Are you ready, Michelle?
You ready? Huh?
Okay. Let's do the La Bamba
thing for the berry, alright?
- Ready?
- Wah wah wah.
♪ La Bamba ♪
These guys are also
part of my family.
You see, I'm a single parent
and they help me
take care of my kids.
This is my brother-in-law,
Jesse.
'He has a rock band called
Jesse Cochran and The Rippers.'
Hi, mom.
And this is my good friend,
Joey Gladstone.
Joey's a stand-up comic.
And, of course, I'm much
funnier than I am right now.
[Michelle gurgling]
Yes, Michelle, say,
"Hi, San Francisco."
(Joey)
Hi, San Francisco.
Please watch my daddy.
He needs the work. I outgrow
my clothes every four months.
Honesty, marketing,
and begging for ratings.
Welcome to my world.
This is..
(all)
Danny Tanner,
Channel 8, Action Sports.
Dad, can I have a raise
in allowance?
You'd like to see that,
wouldn't you, folks?
Kids. God love 'em.
Write letters!
Alright!
To be perfectly honest,
it needed a poodle.
You guys were great.
Does that mean I get
the raise in allowance?
Let's wait and see
how many letters we get.
I bet you we get 18 tomorrow.
- Stephanie!
- Oops.
Okay, everybody who wants
a sugar rush
into the kitchen
for ice-cream sundaes.
[cheering]
- Make a nice banana split.
- Yeah.
- Relax.
- You betcha.
[squealing]
Ah-ha! Senor Ferret returns.
He's making you look real bad.
This time he is mine.
Come here, buddy. Come here.
Hey, remember our deal.
A condo, a mink, and Club Med.
Ah-ha, got him!
[squealing]
Just as I suspected.
A North American
silver-footed ferret.
Two and a half pounds.
Adult male.
Joey, he's a pest
and he's a varmint.
And the only way to dispose
of this menace is..
I'm gonna take him to Big Sur
and let him go free.
Ah, you big lug, your heart's
as big as your hair.
Alright, let's take him
to the kitchen.
Show the girls
there's no monsters, alright?
♪ Born free ♪
♪ As free as the wind blows ♪♪
[theme music]