- 'Hey, gang.'
- 'Hey.'
Oh, Joey's cooking. Uh, let me
take a million to one shot.
I don't know,
just off the top of my head.
- M-meatloaf?
- No.
For a little change of pace,
I thought I'd come up
with something different,
so for your dining enjoyment
I give you meat muffins.
And I give you the menu to
Wing Ho's. Let's call them now.
I'm starved.
What's for dinner?
[grunts]
Guys, you've been
following me all day.
That's 'cause we like you.
I like you too, but why
don't we take a little break
from all this liking
and eat dinner?
Well, actually,
dinner's gonna be late.
Thanks to the Pillsbury
meat boy.
Let's play more, Michelle.
Okay, how about hide and seek?
You guys hide and I'll count.
[both giggling]
To a million.
Little cranky there, sis.
Do you know what
it's like having little kids
bugging you all day long?
I guess you don't remember
where you got that
count-to-a-million trick.
[theme music]
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, it's the Saturday night
with nothing-to-do gang.
So, where's D.J.?
She's upstairs getting dressed.
She's not ready yet?
It's our first frat party
with college guys.
I've looked like this
since noon.
Well, it's nighttime now.
The darkness can only help.
Boy, Danny, in college,
our frat parties were a blast
especially when all those high
school girls used to show up.
They believed everything
we said.
[chuckles]
Yeah, we had some good times
Mr. Fourth Man On The Moon.
You did pretty well yourself,
Mr. I Created Love Boat, Girls.
[Danny chuckles]
You guys lied to those girls?
Well, yeah, it's not
something we're proud of
but, you know,
when a kid is young
and he wants
to impress a girl
he'll say just
about anything to--
I better go talk to D.J.
Excuse me.
[sighs]
Deej, I am so nervous
about this party.
Pit check. One, two.
- Dry as a bone.
- I better be.
That's the name of my deodorant.
Kimmy, let's just try and relax
and have fun tonight, okay?
So, what if they're in college,
and we're still in high school?
I mean, there's no difference
between you and those guys.
Except about 600 points
on your SATs.
Uh, Deej, honey,
about that frat party tonight
I-I-I want you to know
that I think you're a totally
responsible, intelligent
young woman, okay
and I trust you completely.
So, please, if you will just
accept this fatherly advice
in the spirit in which
I'm giving it to you, okay?
No matter what anybody
may tell you tonight..
...the guy who created
love boat will not be there.
I win again.
[sighs]
So you got lucky.
Even Comet beat you.
[whimpering]
[whimpers]
Well, Comet's
a big, hairy cheater.
[barking]
[imitating a dog]
[grunts]
Okay, boys, there she is.
There's your favorite cousin.
Oh, no, I've been playing
with them all day.
Here you go.
Go play. Go play.
You wrecked it.
You guys are driving me crazy.
Just leave me alone.
Michelle's mean.
I am not mean.
You've just been bugging me.
We don't like you anymore.
(Jesse)
'Boys, boys,
you don't mean that.'
Oh, great,
now they hate me.
Oh, they don't hate you,
Michelle.
Michelle, don't worry. I mean,
they're-they're just kids.
You know, I mean, uh,
you know, they say something
and they forget about it
a minute later.
- We hate Michelle.
- We, we hate Michelle.
- We hate Michelle.
- 'We hate Michelle.'
- Woo-hoo! I can fly.
- Shh! Shh!
- Woo-hoo. I can fly.
- Ssh! Shh!
Kimmy, why couldn't you have
drunk light beer? Urgh.
- Whoo!
- Shh.
D.J., Deej,
I just want you to know
that I plan on being
the same person I was
before I developed superpowers.
- What's going on in here?
- Oh, great!
It's the creature
from the Blonde Lagoon.
[chuckles]
Um, Kimmy's not feeling
very well.
I feel fine.
Wait a minute.
I learned about this
in health class.
She has all the symptoms.
[clicks fingers]
Disorientation.
Dilated pupils.
Lack of balance.
Kimmy ate tainted pork.
Steph, she did not eat
tainted pork.
- She's drunk.
- No.
- We gotta tell dad.
- No, no, we can't.
Look, Kimmy's not exactly
his favorite person.
If he finds out, she'll never
be allowed back in the house.
Again I say,
we gotta tell dad.
[knock on door]
(Danny)
'D.J.'
Yeah, one sec, dad. Urgh!
Woo-hoo!
Look, look, Kimmy, we're gonna
play a little game, okay?
Whoever can stay the quietest
gets to lip wrestle
with the captain
of the football team.
Play ball.
Come in.
You're home early.
How was the party?
Oh, it was great.
Uh, it was really good.
We just didn't wanna
burn out on fun.
I'm glad you had a good time.
That isn't the guy who created
love boat under there, is it?
No, um, actually, i-it's Kimmy.
She had a really big fight
with her parents
so I just told her
she could sleep at our house.
Why couldn't she just have
a really big fight with us
and sleep at her own house?
[chuckles]
That's something to think about.
You know, I'm, I'm really tired.
All that frat fun.
I'll-I'll just see you guys
in the morning?
Alright.
Sleep tight, sweetheart.
Okay.
(Kimmy)
'Hey, this party's too dark.'
Kimmy, the party's over.
You got us kicked out.
- Just go to sleep, okay?
- You can't tell me what to do.
[sighs]
Look, Kimmy, I'm trying
to be a good friend, okay?
But you're making this
really hard.
Well, let me make it easy
for you.
I'm outta here.
[gasps]
[instrumental music]
D.J., what am I gonna do?
Nicky and Alex still hate me.
D.J.?
My, what a boney butt you have.
I don't wanna go to school.
- Mom, you shrunk.
- Whoa!
Well, you're finally up.
Next time, dragon breath
sleeps in your bed
I want to be notified.
Rise and shine.
It's a beautiful morning.
Oh, somebody, turn down the sun.
Have a pleasant night?
Oh, it was awful.
I had this horrible dream I was
driving a white porcelain bus.
That's because you spent
the night with your head
in the toilet, throwing up.
Oh!
No wonder every time
I hit the turn signal
I heard a flush.
Do you have any memory
of what happened last night?
Yes, I do.
You ruined the best night
of my life.
I ruined your night?
Who do you think
was holding your hair
while you were driving
that bus?
Who-who let you sleep
in their bed
while they slept on a chair?
Who called your parents
and covered for you?
You're just jealous because
I was the life of the party.
[scoffs]
You are so off.
Oh, please.
I remember everything.
The party was just getting hot.
[rock music]
You were sitting on reject row.
[indistinct chattering]
[laughing]
Kimmy, where have you been?
You promised
you wouldn't leave me alone.
[English accent]
I've been on the veranda
having cocktails
with these
incredibly engaging young men.
I hate this party. None of
the cool guys will talk to me.
Au contraire. I find
the guests quite obliging.
Oh, Kimmy, would you honor us
with a poem?
If you insist.
This is one of my favorites.
"I think that I shall never see
a poem lovely as a tree."
[applause]
Oh, hors d'oeuvres.
[applause]
Kimmy, I-I've never seen you
so clever and witty.
Not to mention coordinated.
And I hate it!
We're going home
and I'm driving.
I'm tired of taking
a back seat to you.
No, don't take her from us.
She's a national treasure.
The party will die
without her grace and charm.
Then let it die!
(Kimmy)
And that's how
you ruined my night.
Hello, news flash. I saved
your scrawny neck last night.
You embarrassed my scrawny neck
last night.
I think it's time
we went our separate ways.
Oh, that's the first coherent
thing you've said all day.
Oh, good. We agree.
This friendship is over.
- Fine with me.
Kimmy, this is my room.
You are so possessive.
[imitating Swedish chef]
Joey, it doesn't smell
like French toast.
Steph, I am determined
to come up
with a tasty meal
for this family.
Now, I only know two things
for certain in this world.
People love pastry.
People love fish.
Thus I submit
for your approval..
[toaster pops]
...flounder tarts.
Approval denied.
Uncle Jesse, when are you gonna
talk to Nicky and Alex?
- They're still mad at me.
- Don't worry about it, shorty.
Your Uncle Jesse has it
all taken care of.
Joey, two questions.
Can you help me?
And what did I
just put in my mouth?
Yes, and flounder tart.
Oh, brother.
I should have got all the bones
out of this one.
Give me that. Give me that.
[spitting]
Alright, there you go.
Jess, the boys are here.
Alright, boys,
sit down, sit down.
Honey, you know, I still
think that we should let
the kids work this out
for themselves.
Becky, sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart
if kids could work things
out by themselves
then they wouldn't need parents.
Now, I'm gonna teach them
something called forgiveness.
Sit back...and watch the master.
Yes, master.
I'll be over there
in my bottle if you need me.
Alright, Jeannie.
Alright, gentlemen, now, when
you're dealing with your, uh
cousins, or-or your friends,
there's a very important thing
I like to call forgiveness,
alright?
Can you guys say that with me?
Say forgiveness.
- Forgiveness.
Heck of a try. Good.
I-I, I see it's a little fuzzy
so I-I-I'll show you
what I'm talking about.
Joseph, can you help me out
over here? I need a little hand.
- Absolutely.
- 'Okay.'
Now, um, say, say,
say, I was to put, uh
I don't know, one of Joey's, uh
very delicious flounder tarts
in his pocket here, like so.
Watch. See, just put it
in the pocket.
And I give it a nice, uh..
What's the word
I'm looking for? Whack!
'Like so.'
I know that my dear pal, Joey,
would forgive me.
- Right, Joe?
- Yes, I forgive you.
Thank you.
You see how that works, boys?
I do a thing, he forgives.
I-it works very nice.
Now, uh, boys, can you
find it in your heart
to, uh, forgive Michelle
over there?
- No.
- 'No?'
Okay, well, I see this concept
may need another example.
Oh, well, permit me, daddy.
[Joey chuckling]
Now, boys, if I were to take
some of this leftover fish goo..
- Well..
- And put some of it in my hand.
And just kind of goop it
on daddy's face..
'...like so..'
...I know
that he would forgive me.
I'm gonna--
...forgive you. I forgive you.
I do forgive you.
[chuckles]
Yeah, well, let's, l-l-let's
keep going with this thing
shall we?
Now, boys, pay attention.
If I were to, say, uh,
oh, I don't know
take this whole pitcher of..
...flounder goo..
...and then I was to, say,
pour it down Joey's shirt..
Joseph, can you help me?
My-my hands are a little dirty.
...like this.
I know that my buddy, Joey,
would forgive me, right, Joe?
Oh, I forgive you, Jess.
But, boys, just so
there's not a shadow of a doubt
on this whole
forgiveness concept..
Suppose I were to take this
eggbeater, and crank it up
to frappe, and just
stand behind your dad--
Okay! Okay!
Okay, professors.
Now, boys..
Before this fish fry
goes any further
can you please tell your cousin,
Michelle that you forgive her?
- We can't.
- Why not?
We don't know
what forgive means.
Guys, forgiveness means you know
I'm sorry for what I did
and you'll give me
another chance
'cause we love each other.
Oh!
We forgive you.
See, now, who knew the kids
could work this out
all by themselves?
Oh, that's right.
[chuckles]
I did.
Hey, Deej, we're all going out
to breakfast.
The kitchen smells
like sea world.
You can, uh, you can bring
Kimmy along if you'd like.
I wouldn't invite Kimmy to
any place where humans gather.
Oh, so I take it you two
had a little argument.
Little in the sense
that we're never talking again.
The truth is Kimmy slept here
last night because she got drunk
at that party,
and couldn't go home.
I hope you weren't drinking too.
No, dad, don't worry.
I-I wasn't drinking.
And I drove home...
after I fought her for the keys.
Oh, man. It's a good thing
you were there.
Why didn't you tell me
about this last night?
I should have,
but I was afraid
you wouldn't
let me see her again.
But that's just fine
with me.
Well, Deej, I know I say
a lot of things about Kimmy
being an annoying,
obnoxious nuisance
and I mean every one of them..
...but she's still
your best friend.
If somebody
makes a wrong choice
I don't think you can just
walk away from them
and ignore 'em.
Yeah, well, I-I really
don't wanna spend
the rest of my life with Kimmy
draped over my shoulder.
She's just not the kind of
person I wanna hang out with.
Yeah, but you're the kind
of person she needs.
Especially now,
don't you think?
I thought you'd have
made it home by now.
I'm pacing myself.
My objective
is the fence by nightfall.
- Kimmy, you're so hungover.
- Oh, stop screamin'.
I don't need to hear
any more lectures from you.
Well, what you need
to hear is exactly
what happened
at that party last night.
I was actually
having a good time.
I was talking
to these two nice guys.
You were off
somewhere getting drunk.
[indistinct chattering]
- It's showtime.
- 'Hey.'
Kimmy, Kimmy, don't do this.
Out of my way,
Little Miss Perfect.
Alright, attention,
ladies and gentle-dudes.
I would like to recite
a little poem entitled Gas.
[burps]
[all groaning]
Thank you.
I wrote that one myself.
And now for my encore.
Hey, snacks.
[shattering]
Oh, dear.
Who invited her?
[coughing]
Hey, hey, I want you to get
your friend out of here now.
Oh, sure, she's boring.
That's no reason
to kick her out of the party.
We already kicked out the guys
who brought the beer.
If we get caught,
we could lose our charter.
I'm sorry. We're leaving.
- Kimmy, give me the keys.
- I think not.
If you're making me leave,
at least I can just drive home.
Kimmy, you're in no condition
to drive home.
But if I walk,
I might fall and hurt myself.
Let's go.
Oh, I told you so.
(D.J.)
And that's what
really happened.
You just can't admit
you were jealous of me.
You had to embarrass me
and take my car keys like..
...like I'm some kind of child.
Kimmy, you could barely walk.
It's my life.
What do you care?
I'm sorry. I do care.
My mom died
because of a drunk driver.
I wasn't gonna lose
my best friend the same way.
Deej..
...I'm sorry.
I know. I made an idiot
out of myself last night.
I didn't know how
to talk to those frat guys.
But after a-a couple of drinks,
I started to loosen up.
For the first time in my life,
I felt cool.
Well, Kimmy, they called you
a lot of things at that party
but cool wasn't one of them.
Well, Deej, how come
you weren't nervous?
Are you kidding?
I was a wreck.
I was talking
to this really cute guy
and-and he kept smiling at me.
And then I-I looked down,
and I realized
that my elbow
was in the clam dip.
Oh, man, I would
have been so humiliated.
Yeah, well,
it wasn't my finest moment.
But in some weird way,
it broke the ice
and we were laughing about it.
So, the trick to staying calm is
to keep your elbow in the dip?
The trick is to remember
that everybody is nervous
and it's a lot easier to handle
if you stay in control.
I'm glad one of us did.
Thanks, D.J.
[theme music]