[instrumental music]
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Steph.
Hey, I finished my
project for sewing class.
I designed it myself.
Well, how does it look?
Like you designed it yourself.
Don't hold back, Michelle.
Okay. It's ugly too.
Steph, I think that
your blouse is beautiful.
- You do?
Absolutely.
Ah! Well, I'm glad someone
around here has taste.
Aunt Becky, you actually thought
that blouse was beautiful?
Well, no. But I didn't
wanna hurt her feelings.
So you lied?
No!
I bent the truth.
Exaggerated a bit.
Put a pleasant spin on things.
So you lied.
♪ Ah-h-h ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Why do they call 'em
sloppy joes, daddy?
Well, you just keep your eye
on Uncle Joey at dinner.
- Hey.
Guess who we got to referee
our school fundraiser
basketball game?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
- No way.
- Wow.
Good. You got all three of them.
That's nice.
Jess, y-you don't know
much about sports, do you?
It just so happens
that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar--
And that's one person.
Yeah, he, he's
one of the greatest
basketball players ever.
Yeah, and since
we thought of this
Kimmy and I get to coach
the celebrity teams.
Yeah. I'm coachin' the Happy
News team from Channel 43.
And we're gonna
kill your team.
I don't even
have a team yet.
Hmm. This is gonna be
easier than I thought.
See ya, squirts.
And, uh, since the game
is three-on-three
all I need are three
local media personalities.
Say, a couple of DJs
and a talk show host.
- I'm in.
- I'm outta here.
- Jess!
Come on. Basketball's
a national pastime.
No, that's baseball.
Uh, it's-it's
a sport of kings.
No, that's horse racing.
Where America shops. Sears.
Let's try a new road.
Uncle Jesse, you'd be
doing it for a good cause.
Yeah, when you
think of it, Jess..
...it is a great way
to get all sweaty
before your
Saturday night bath.
Guys, just
forget it, alright?
Sports, sports intimidate me.
I've never been good at sports.
I remember the names they
used to call me as a kid.
Uh-uh, fumble-fingers,
Captain Klutz--
Oh, kids can be so cruel.
Those were my parents.
No, no, no, my
policy's always been
just say no to sports,
okay? I can't do it.
I just, I-I just,
I just can't do it.
You can do anything.
Well, there's one
vote of confidence.
Come on, Jess.
We'll all help you out.
We take you to
the park on Saturday
and get in some
intensive training.
Do it, daddy. Please.
- Please, please, please..
Well, alright. What the heck.
I'll do it for the boys.
Cool!
Double cool!
Alright then, this Saturday,
I'll, uh, strap on a helmet
and I'll meet you right out
there in that basketball field.
Uh, Jess, it's
the old basketball court.
I think he's actually
gonna need that helmet.
Aunt Becky,
I have a question.
What do you call
a boy ladybug?
Confused.
Hey, Aunt Becky.
I have a surprise for you.
Since you love the blouse
I made at school so much
I'm giving it to you.
Thanks, Steph.
You can wear it to
the celebrity basketball game.
Oh, great.
I'll definitely
stand out in the crowd.
You'd stand out in the circus.
[instrumental music]
There. See?
This basketball
thing's a piece of cake.
Daddy, this is our basket.
That one's yours.
Right up there?
Nice outfit, Jess.
What are you tryin' out for,
the Harley Globetrotters?
Well...I got my wristband.
Alright, now you look
like a real athlete.
Uh, why don't we
work on some passing?
- Okay.
- Let's do some passing.
I'll pass you the ball,
you go under the basket.
- Where do I stand?
- Right there under that net.
- Let's do some passing, fellas.
- Okay.
Alright, show me the ball,
big boy. Come on.
[grunts]
Jess, you're-you're
supposed to use your hands.
- Oh, I will.
- Alright, okay. Time out.
Time out. You're both at fault.
Jess, you should've caught it
and, Danny, you should know that
he can't catch.
Alright, I'm sorry. Let's just
start with a simple layup drill.
Okay. Like, two questions.
A, what's a simple layup?
And two, does
the drilling part hurt?
Jess, the layup is the most
basic shot in basketball.
It's very simple,
all you do is just
dribble down the lane
and as you approach the basket
if you're on the left side, you
push off with your right foot
if you're on the right side
you push off with your left foot
then you just shoot
the ball directly
at the backboard
at the correct angle
to bank it
through the hoop.
That, my friend,
is a simple layup.
What's a really
simple layup?
Watch and learn.
Danny, give me the ball.
Here you go.
Come here, you'll be safe.
Watch, Jess. Okay.
Here you go. Simple layup.
Dribble, dribble, dribble..
- Layup.
- Okay.
Alright. Doesn't look so tough.
Do a couple of
dribbles, then you
and then you do
a thing by the basket.
Got it.
Dribble, dribble..
Ow!
[sighs]
I told you I needed that helmet.
- What's with that look?
- What look?
- Th-th-that "he bites" look.
- You know what?
You should spend more
time lookin' at the basket
and less time
lookin' at our looks.
Maybe I should spend a little
time lookin' for new teachers.
I'd say the teachers are
doin' a pretty darn good job
considering the student
they're working with.
Oh. Yeah, right. You guys
couldn't teach Comet to bark.
I'll bet you we could teach
Comet how to play basketball
a lot better than you.
[scoffs]
Yeah, right.
Joey, give me the ball.
Would you, please?
- Okay.
- Thanks, man.
I'd like you to just
study this, Jesse.
Thank you.
Comet! Over here, boy.
Okay, stay. Stay.
Back up. Sit. Good boy.
Okay, Comet, this isn't as hard
as Jesse makes it look, okay?
All you have to do is
get ready, aim and shoot.
[Danny and Joey cheering]
Comet can make a basket.
Well, he got lucky.
He's a lucky dog.
He's better than you, daddy.
Wait a minute.
Give me that ball.
I just wanna show you guys I can
make one lousy basket, alright?
- 'Alright. Go.'
- 'Okay.'
You guys split.
- You're makin' me nervous.
- Alright.
I'm gonna learn how to
shoot basketballs, okay?
If-if I have to stay here
till midnight I'm gonna learn.
- Good. Good.
- Come on, boys. Let's go.
- Come on.
- 'Come on.'
I can't be worse than a dog.
[instrumental music]
[Comet barks]
At least I don't have fleas.
[instrumental music]
Mind, mind if
we use the court?
No, no, not at all.
You ever play any
basketball before?
A little.
Yeah. Well, let me tell
you somethin', pally.
It's not as easy as it looks.
But, uh, you're a tall guy
it should come
pretty natural to you.
- Go nuts.
- Thanks.
Son, what shot do you
wanna see me shoot first?
- Um...three-pointers.
- Ugh.
- Um...how about skyhook?
- Yes, daddy.
Okay.
Here, you take that.
[kid cheering]
Whoa. There you go.
- You're a lucky guy, you know?
- I've had a little practice.
Son, why don't you go play now?
And daddy's gonna
shoot a hoop.
Okay.
No, I mean, uh,
I mean, you're lucky
'cause your kid looks
up to you, you know?
I mean, he looks at you
like you're a real hero.
Yeah, well, I raised
his allowance last week.
Uh, I made a total
fool out of myself
in front of my kids today. You
know, let me tell you somethin'.
I'm the worst basketball
player in the world
and to top it all off, I gotta
play this silly
tournament tomorrow.
Oh, come on.
You can't be that bad.
Why don't you take a shot?
Alright.
[metal clangs]
- Okay, you can be that bad.
- 'Yeah.'
How am I gonna face my kids?
Well, maybe I can
give you a few pointers.
- Alright.
- Let's start with the basics.
- This is a ball.
- Mm-hmm.
That is the basket.
Yeah, well, the problem
is getting this into that.
You tryin' to hustle me?
No, no, I swear.
I never did that before.
Yeah, right. Shoot a layup.
Without a helmet?
Alright. The bounce, bounce.
Sorry about that hustle crack.
Well, at least I didn't
smack myself in the face
this time with the ball.
You should have seen it earlier.
It went boom..
- Let's try a foul shot.
- Okay, yeah.
Let's try a foul shot.
- And-and that would be?
- At the foul line.
Which would be?
Right there.
And I stand?
Behind it.
- And I face?
- The basket!
I know. I was kidding
you on that last one.
A little basketball humor.
Hike that thing over here.
Hike that thing. Alright.
Why don't you try another shot
at that spot right there?
- That little spot over there?
- Yeah.
Well, you're pretty pathetic..
...except when you
stand right there.
That's your sweet spot.
I got a sweet spot?
Apparently.
When you play
that game tomorrow..
...just get to your sweet spot.
That's the only chance
you have of scoring.
Right. Oh, yeah.
Cool. Got a sweet spot.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got a sweet spot.
Wait till I tell my wife.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chattering]
- Give it to me.
- Okay, guys, let's warm it up.
Alright. Okay, shoot a round.
Alright. Okay, let's pass it.
- Okay, guys. Come on.
- Excuse me. Excuse me?
You're Rebecca Donaldson
from "Wake Up San Francisco."
Would you mind if I got
a picture for "The Chronicle?"
Uh...uh, sure.
Let me just
put on my jacket.
Your jacket?
But that'll cover the blouse.
You hate the blouse,
don't you?
No!
No.
I just love my jacket.
That's okay, Aunt Becky.
You can hate my blouse.
See, now you don't
have to lie anymore.
Michelle, you've been so
helpful through all of this.
Well, at least
she was honest.
Steph, I'm sorry I
lied about the blouse.
Yeah, you should've
told the truth like I did.
It's nasty.
What I should have done is
just focused on the good points.
The seams are straight.
The fabric is beautiful.
There are exactly as many
holes as there are buttons.
Nobody lost an eye.
You're pushin' it.
Steph, the point is, the blouse
is not exactly my style
but you did
an excellent job on it.
- You really think so?
- Honest.
Thanks.
[whistle blows]
Can I have your
attention, please?
- Jess, take a seat.
- Oh, right. Sorry.
Oh, hey. How you doin'?
Came by to cheer me on, huh?
- Somethin' like that.
- Yeah.
Thanks for coming out
for such a worthy cause.
Right now I'd like to introduce
our celebrity referee
for the game.
He's the all-time
leading scorer in the NBA
was voted most valuable
player six times
and is considered one
of the greatest players
in the history of basketball.
Huh. See? You love basketball.
Guess you're pretty excited
about seein' this guy, huh?
- I've seen him before.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
[crowd cheering]
Wait a minute. What? What?
You're him? He's you?
- You gotta be somebody.
- Yeah. Hi, Kareem.
Hi.
[whistle blows]
[indistinct]
Okay, guys, now go out there
and play your hearts out.
And remember, win or lose, after
the game, we hit the hot tub.
Okay, guys, now the only way
we're gonna win this game
is if we spread
the ball around.
Okay, dad, I want you
to take half the shots
and I want Joey to
take half the shots.
Okay, great.
Where's my half?
Uh, Uncle Jesse, you're-you're
our defensive specialist.
You'll be guarding
their highest scorer.
See, I'll be guardin'
the highest scorer.
Who's that?
My guess is whoever
you're guarding.
Guys, you don't understand.
See, I have a sweet spot.
Hey, I have a stiff neck
from sleepin' on a Tonka truck.
We got a game to play.
Okay, guys, remember. First one
to 12 baskets is the winner.
- Right.
- Hands in.
(together)
And break!
[upbeat music]
[crowd cheering]
[cheering continues]
[crowd cheering]
[music continues]
[crowd cheering]
[music continues]
[crowd cheering]
[whistle blows]
Time! Time out!
Okay, guys.
You, guys, you're
playing great, okay?
- Thank you.
- Now, the score is 11-11.
So, next basket wins it. Now, we
need to set up a special play.
So this is what
I want you to do.
Dad, I want you to go
to the top of the key.
Joey, I want you to come
up and set a pick for dad.
- Okay?
- What do I do?
And Uncle Jesse, you
just stay away from everybody.
Come on, guys. Someone
just give me the ball.
Jess, last time
you had the ball
y-you picked it up
and you ran with it.
That's 'cause every
time I bounce it
some guy takes
it away from me.
You're really makin' us wanna
throw it to you more and more.
Come on, guys. Give me the ball.
I know I can make the shot.
I-I have a sweet
spot, you know?
Just throw me the ball and I'll
make the winning basket, please?
I mean...I-I-I just
wanna show my kids
that I'm not
a complete loser.
Come on. The guy's kids are
watching. Give him a break.
- He might surprise someone.
- Yeah. Thank you, Kareem.
You know, if we give
Uncle Jesse the ball
it might surprise everybody.
Okay, this is
for all the marbles.
- We set up Uncle Jesse.
- 'Yes. Yes.'
I won't let you guys down.
[whistle blows]
(together)
And break!
Alright. Hey,
Uncle Jesse, good luck.
- I know you can do it.
- Oh, you do, huh?
Well, I'm the coach.
It's my job to say that.
Okay, guys. Let's go.
You got Danny.
You got Joey.
And you got me
on a bear skin rug.
Didn't I tell
you to stop that?
[whistle blows]
Hey, excuse me, excuse me.
You're on my sweet spot.
They're gonna throw
me the ball any minute.
- Jess, get open.
- I can't. He's on..
Kareem, he's on my sweet spot.
I can't find pants.
Get over it.
(Danny)
'Jess!'
Jess, you're open.
Shoot it.
- The guy's on my sweet spot.
- Just shoot!
[intense music]
[all cheering]
[whistle blows]
- I can't believe you did that.
- Oh, my God.
- That was great.
- Wow.
- That was an amazing shot.
- Aw, thanks, Kareem.
You know, let me
tell you something
you taught me everything,
and I'll tell ya
from this day on
every single person
that I meet, I'm gonna say
"Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
taught me how to
play basketball."
Why don't we keep that
as our little secret?
- Nice meeting you folks.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Goodbye, Kareem.
Uncle Jesse, I should
have had more faith in you.
I mean, who would have
thought in a million, billion
trillion years
you would ever--
You're congratulating
me, right?
Well, what she's
trying to say
is, you know,
to hit that shot
under that kinda pressure.
I mean, you, of all people--
Jess, if I, if I
may, I-I think
what they're both
trying to say is
you, uh, you
really came through
for us. You are our hero.
Oh, well, thanks.
I'm glad you think so.
I just hope the boys
feel the same way.
Excuse me a second.
Hey, boys. Hey, did you see your
old man make the winning basket?
- Pretty cool, huh?
- Uh...Jess, they missed it.
What?
We were on a potty run.
I went number one.
Oh. You did?
Th-that's very good, son.
I watched.
I can't believe you guys
missed my winning shot.
I mean, the whole reason
why I was out there was to
make you guys proud of me.
Honey, they're
already proud of you.
What? For what? What did I do? I
mean, they didn't see anything.
The only thing they
saw was tinkle town.
We saw you
fall down a lot.
You fell down
more than anybody.
Yeah. Real cool.
Big accomplishment.
Oh, honey, don't you see?
It doesn't matter what you do.
You're their dad.
You're their hero.
You could be the worst
basketball player ever.
Which you probably are.
And they would
still be proud of you.
- We love you, daddy.
- Aw.
Thank you, son.
Give me a kissy. Muah.
Now I feel
like a real hero.
Listen, guys, before I hang
up my, uh, basketball cleats..
...there's somethin'
I wanna show you.
Number one?
No, son. Not number one.
I wanna show you how, how I make
a basket from my sweet spot.
See, watch your old man here.
Uh, honey? Th-that's okay.
We believe you.
Now l-l-let me just,
let me just make one ball.
See? That. One..
[instrumental music]
Hold on. Hold on.
My sweet spot was
around here somewhere.
Alright. I think I
got, I got it now.
Watch your old man.
[theme music]
Whoa. See? I was, I was..
It was the wind thing...again.
Let me try one of those
skyhawk shots that Kareem does.
Almost, almost.
Who could have thought,
Kareem Abdul?
You know, I always thought
it was that little dancer.
Go figure.