Okay, gentlemen.
Now, you cut along
the dotted line there.
'Good boy. Very good.'
And when you guys are finished
cutting on the line
we're gonna open it up
and you're gonna see
a very groovy, Valentine's day
present for your mother.
This I gotta see.
Hey, wasn't I right
about the cauliflower
tasting good if
you plug your nose, huh?
Remember that, remember
when we went like that?
Now, open it up.
You're smart, daddy.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, honey.
Look what we made you, mama.
Oh! Let me see.
Oh, thank you..
Oh, how beautiful.
That's 'cause we love you.
Oh! I love you.
And thank you so much.
I love you, too.
Well, if you like that why
don't you see what I made you.
♪ Ba ba dee dee ♪
♪ Dah dee dee pwee ♪♪
Oh, honey, thank you.
It's so beautiful.
I made it myself.
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie doo ba ba da ♪♪
Let's get ready
to rumble!
(all)
One! Two! Three! Four!
I declare a thumb war!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Cheese it!
Authority figures!
Okay, class
let's settle down.
You all know Mr. Gladstone
and Mrs. Carruthers
from the PTA.
and they have a very,
special announcement to make.
We're getting married.
No, just kidding.
Uh, the real announcement
is that during this year's
PTA fund-raiser drive
your class
sold more candy bars
than any other class
in the entire school.
(together)
Yay!
And a special thanks
to Michelle
for selling
the most candy bars.
And a special thanks
to Joey
for eating
the most candy bars.
Well, it was an honor
to get so bloated
for such
a worthy cause.
And because of all
your hard work
the PTA is throwing you
a special
Valentine's day party.
(all)
Yay!
Okay, let's break into
our reading groups.
I hope you can make it
to the party, Mr. Gladstone.
Oh, I'll be there
with pants on.
I hope so.
And, uh, please,
call me Joey.
Okay, Joey.
[clears throat]
Excuse me.
Joey, we best be
on our way.
Well, uh, after you.
Oh, no. After you.
Buns before beauty.
Ha!
- Ha!.
A party
in our classroom
It's gonna be like MTV
with a milk break.
Yeah, and since
it's a Valentine's party
we should
all have dates.
Right, girls?
- Right.
Right, guys?
Well...
- I don't know.
- Do we have to?
I said, right?
- Yeah! Okay.
- Yeah! Yeah! Great idea!
Okay, Derek's mine.
I love these aggressive women
of the nineties.
Michelle, you'll be with Teddy.
(both)
Cool!
And Aaron, you'll be
with Sophia.
Don't wear
anything trampy.
Now that we each have
a boyfriend or girlfriend
now, we gotta
sit by 'em.
Do I have to sit
next to him?
Yes. You're in
a relationship.
Come on, Derek.
I never had
a boyfriend before.
What should we
do now?
Well, my sister
has a boyfriend
and all she ever does
is write his name
over and over again.
We can do that.
What's his name?
Lenny.
(all together)
L..
(all together)
...e..
(all together)
...n..
(all together)
...n..
(all together)
...y.
(all together)
L...
Mm. That is a good
pastrami sandwich
but it needs
a li'l more mustard.
It's salmon.
Oh, then it's just right.
It's good.
Hey, guys.
(Jesse)
Hey.
I just spoke to Claire.
I got my big Valentine's day
all set.
Oh, yeah?
What's the plan, Stan?
Well, here's what
I'm thinkin', Lincoln.
Roses, candy
and-and maybe dinner
in a nice restaurant.
Danny, this is your first
Valentine's day with Claire
You gotta do something
real special for her.
Uh, you have
a better idea?
Yes. As a matter
of fact, I do.
I happen to be
the king of
comin' up with great
romantic Valentine dates.
For instance, Beck,
remember that
remember that time we, uh
remember that time we had
that moonlit
picnic overlooking
the ocean?
Oh, that was beautiful.
Yeah. And how about
How about the time when I got
that bed and breakfast
and I-and I decked up
the whole room with red roses?
That was unforgettable.
Yeah, and
how about walking hand in hand
on The Golden Gate bridge..
...glass of champagne.
That wasn't me.
It was Joey.
That's what it was.
It was Joey. I remember.
Because we were walking,
he looked down, he got scared.
He said, "Jess, hold my hand."
I held his hand,
he said, "I'm thirsty--"
Jess, can it!
Well, he might have
a lousy memory
but he does come up with some
pretty romantic evenings.
Go ahead, honey. Tell him what
you've planned for us this year.
Uh, well...like I
was thinking
at this stage
in our marriage
that w-we don't need to do
some kind of special thing
to prove our love
to each other.
We don't?
No, now, Danny,
for instance
see-see, he-he's just starting
to date Claire.
This is all new for him.
So, he's got to woo her.
We, on the other hand,
we-we're pretty much wooed out.
Well, no, there's
always woom for woo.
I mean, room
for roo-woo.
I mean, look at this, you made
me a sandwich, okay?
Nothing says love like
a piece of cold fish
between two slices of bread.
Guess what? We're having
a party at our class tomorrow.
I'm going
with Teddy.
He's my boyfriend.
Michelle, I'm
very happy for you.
How'd you guys
get together?
I don't know.
It happened so fast.
One minute,
I'm thumb-wrestling.
The next thing I know,
I'm out of circulation.
Thanks for walking
me home, Kenneth.
You're welcome, Steph.
Boy, I wish you weren't
so smart.
All these books
are heavy.
Well, actually,
they're not books.
I had to bring in
my rock collection
for my
earth science class.
But you must be
pretty strong to carry 'em
all the way from school.
Uh, thanks.
You know, I've been
working out a little.
I can tell.
You know, Steph,
you have beautiful hair.
Oh, thanks.
I raised it
from peach fuzz.
I'll call you tonight.
I'll be waiting.
Do boyfriends
and girlfriends
always act so stupid?
Oh, they're
just warming up.
Comfy?
Okay, Michelle, get ready.
There's no way you can
defeat
the thumb-master!
Teddy, I'm your girlfriend.
We can't thumb-wrestle
anymore.
We can hold hands
but we've got to keep
our thumbs still.
Okay, what's next?
Well, you could..
...look into my eyes
and say something
sweet about me.
Okay.
You have a nice head.
Thank you. Nice heads
run in my family.
Noses run in my family.
Get it?
Teddy, you're
ruining the mood.
Sorry.
Now what do we do?
I think we're
supposed to kiss.
(both together)
Nah!
I know what you can do.
You can call me.
Call you what?
No. Go home
and call me.
Oh, okay.
I'm glad you know
what to do.
[door-bell rings]
Teddy?
Uh, Michelle,
that was the door.
Sorry. I got
my bells mixed up.
Oh, hi.
Can I help you?
Yeah. You-You
Joey Gladstone?
That's what it says
on my underpants.
Right.
Well, this is for you.
Whoa, look at this.
That's incredible.
What did I do
to deserve all this?
It's just what
I was thinking.
Have a nice day.
Goodbye. Thank you.
Joey, who's it from?
I see, there's a card
right here.
It says, uh
"To Joey
"You put a smile
in my heart
"and a butterfly
in my stomach.
From your secret admirer."
Wow, I bet it's
Mrs. Carruthers.
She has her eye on you.
That's the only part of her
she hasn't had on me.
[telephone ringing]
Hello.
Hi, Teddy.
Wanna come over?
So? Come over again.
Yes. You have to.
And can you bring
some candy and flowers?
'cause it's romantic.
I've got to tell him
everything.
Alright, picture this.
A yacht on the bay.
String quartet.
Caviar, champagne.
A vase..
...with a single rose.
- Oh, Jess.
- Thanks, buddy!
Alright! Claire's gonna
remember this night
for the rest of her life.
- Claire?
- Yeah, Yeah.
I worked all day setting this
thing up for you.
Oh, you're gonna
be so happy.
Is he the king
of romance, or what?
Oh, he's
a royal something.
Come here.
Now, I think you
should wear a tuxedo.
'Tuxedo?'
What stinks?
It's my new perfume.
I borrowed it
from Steph.
It's called
"A night in Paris."
Whoa. I'm never going
there after dark.
Did you bring
the candy and flowers?
Can't we just
thumb-wrestle?
I told you, boyfriends
and girlfriends don't do that.
Well, can't we draw
or watch cartoons
or do something fun?
Um, here. You can
carry my books.
And the fun part
would be?
Look, I don't make
the rules.
That's just what boyfriends
are supposed to do.
Being a boyfriend
is a bad job.
Well, that's because
you've got a bad attitude.
This is nuts!
I'm breaking up.
You can't. We have to stay
together for the kids.
We don't
even have kids.
The kids
at the party.
We'll be the only ones
there without dates.
Who cares?
I gave you the best day
of my life.
Hey, Michelle, tell Steph
I returned her flannel.
Hey, Twerperella,
you look awful.
Teddy and I just broke up.
Who cares?
I was just making
an observation.
Kimmy.
I'm sorry, Michelle.
DJ, can you help me?
Guys are always
breaking up with you.
Excuse me, but guys
don't break up with me.
I break up with them.
Either way, you're alone
on Saturday night
watching "The Commish."
True.
Hey, girls.
Dinner's ready.
I'm not hungry.
Why, honey?
What's wrong?
Teddy gave her
the old heave-ho.
Oh, that's too bad, Michelle.
You must feel awful.
But you know what,
you're only in the third grade.
Believe me, you'll have plenty
of time for boyfriends.
But now, I don't have a date
for the Valentine's party.
Just do what any woman in
your position would do..
...key his bike.
It was so nice
the first five minutes.
Yeah. The first five minutes
are always the easiest.
And then it's their turn
to talk.
Girls, all guys
are not the same.
I'm sure, in the beginning
they're a little
more romantic.
The flowers, the caviar
the moonlight picnics.
And then one day,
you turn around
and...there he is
chomping on
a big ol' fish sandwich.
That's when you realize
he'd rather chew than woo.
Men.
They won't bring
you flowers.
They won't make
a commitment.
They won't squat
in Jell-O for you.
Don't knock it
till you've tried it.
Boy, do we sound awful.
Yeah. Guys
aren't that bad.
Yeah, from now on
no more men-bashing.
I can't believe that
Kenneth hasn't called.
If a guy says he's gonna call,
he should call.
I should've carried
my own rocks.
I mean, they weren't even
that heavy.
Okay, maybe a little
more bashing.
[chattering]
More flowers and candy?
Boy, Mrs. Carruthers must like
her men fat and fragrant.
Well, she picked
the right guy.
Oh, go on.
I gotta put a stop to this.
Jess, how do I
turn a woman off?
Show her your bank account
and driver's license picture.
That might work.
Well..
...well..
...so, how do I look?
Like you're going hiking
with James Bond.
Hey, you're goin'
on a boat ride.
What's with
the pack, Jack?
Hey, take it easy,
greasy.
I'm just being
prepared, Jess.
I've got everything.
I've got my shark repellent.
Yeah, I got the,
oh, signal flares.
And these are good
to have around
seasick patches.
Hmm, Nothing
says romance
like an anti-vomit tag
behind your ear.
I don't know,
I feel bad.
I appreciate everything
you've done.
You spent so much time setting
up this Valentine's date for me
you didn't have time
to plan one for yourself.
Oh, don't worry
about us.
We're just
an old married couple.
Give us the remote
nice old rerun
of an Elvis movie
a clear path
to the bathroom
and we're as happy
as two raccoons
in a Denny's dumpster.
Raccoons
in a dumpster?
Denny's.
Is that how
you see us?
I can't believe that you've
lost every bit of romance.
I mean, you've gone from
Mr. Excitement to Mr. Rogers.
Is it me or does
she seem a tad cranky?
A tad and a half,
I'd say.
You know what she needs?
Some fresh air.
'No, I do not. Come on'
Just step outside.
- I don't need any fresh air.
- It's good fresh air.
- It's special fresh air.
- I don't want any fresh air.
Jess, I don't understand why do
I have to go outside..
What the heck?
You know, I was thinking, Beck
wouldn't it be romantic
to take a nice
hot-air balloon ride
over the wine country, you know?
We can ha..
Oh, look,
here's one now.
And isn't it amazingly
convenient?
Your luggage is all packed
and a beautiful picnic's
already been prepared.
Here you are, sir.
By the way, is this
neighborhood
zoned for hot-air balloons?
You have any idea?
You guys set me up.
Big time.
Hop in.
Beck, did you think that
I'd really forget
Valentine's day, honey?
I mean, com..
Oh, hey, look. What's this?
Champagne and some
beautiful red roses.
Ohh. I don't know.
All that talk about
being an old married couple
I was, I was afraid we were
really wooed out.
Oh, honey, you're
so wong-wrong.
No, that's never
gonna happen.
Let me tell you something,
every day I wake up
and look at you
next to me
I fall in love with you
all over again.
Aw, Jess.
You are still
the king of romance.
Yes, long live the king.
Up, James
and cover your eyes.
All right. Bye-bye.
You guys have a magical,
wonderful time.
While you're up there,
could you
could you check
my rain gutters?
I heard you and
Teddy split up.
Did he break
your heart?
Nah. I thought so, but it
turned out to be just gas.
Well, sorry
it's over.
Me, too.
I'm the only one here
without a date.
You're so lucky.
Yeah. It's nice to be
here with someone.
Alright, everyone.
We have the music.
Now, we need
some dancers.
Oh, it's not gonna be much
of a party if nobody dances.
I've got an idea. Why don't
we make this ladies' choice?
Uh, girls, you can ask
the gentlemen to dance.
And, uh, why don't you work
your feminine charms
on the man of your choice.
And any guy who says no
gets a wedgie.
[instrumental music]
Joey, would you
like to dance
or would you like
a wedgie?
Either way,
I can't lose.
Well, either way,
I can, Mrs. Carruthers.
Mrs. Carruthers,
there's something
I'd like to settle
with you, okay.
I know what
you're gonna say
but, uh. I've got to give
this stuff to you.
Ohh!
I've got the rest of the stuff
out in the car
including
the chocolate cupid
although I did nibble a few
arrows out of the quiver.
Oh, my little
Duncan Hiney.
Boy, that I had something
to give you in return.
What am I saying?
I do.
Say ahh!
Oh, Mrs. Carruthers,
wait a second.
You didn't give me
all this stuff?
No, you
silly-willy billy.
- You mean someone else did?
- Mm-hmm.
Did I just see,
o-out in the hallway
Willard Scott in a thong?
Oh, I love him.
Willard!
I didn't know you and
Mrs. Carruthers were an item.
Oh, yeah,
I'm an item alright.
I'm a grand-slam breakfast
and she's a hungry trucker.
Joey..
...I was the one that who sent
you the flowers and the candy.
Really, it was you,
Ms. Ullman?
Oh, please, call me Cindy.
I was hoping it would
be sort of an ice-breaker.
I thought you'd figure out
it was me.
Well, I didn't.
But I'm sure I'm glad
it worked out that way.
That wasn't Willard!
Cindy, if you're
not busy sometime
I thought that..
[instrumental music]
Come here, my little
fiesta platter.
Lambada!
Oh, God, no.
Cindy, look, I don't
have much time.
Would you like
to go out with me?
Oh, I'd love to.
Great. I'll-I'll call
you...on-on Friday.
- Joey!
- From Guam.
Ole!
You can have it.
That's okay,
I've already had six.
You've got a lot
of time to eat
when you have
no one to dance with.
Pretty crummy party, huh?
Yeah, when we were
just friends
these parties
were totally fun.
Remember
last Thanksgiving
when Derek dressed up
like a turkey?
Yeah, and Aaron and I
grabbed him by the legs
and tried
to make a wish.
I think being boyfriend
and girlfriend
has too many rules.
Me, too. I wish we could
just be friends again.
Who says we can't?
Let's shake on it.
Thumb-wrestle.
Ding! Gotcha!
Cheater.
I wasn't ready.
Ready to dance?
Are friends
allowed to dance?
Friends don't have rules.
They just have fun.
If we gotta dance
we might as well blow
the roof off this dump!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]