Hey, gang, how about a big
family hug for Mr. Motocross?
Give me a hug!
Boys! Come on!
Beck, I can't help noticing
this is only three-quarters
of a big family hug.
And I can't help noticing
that you are over an hour late.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I got a severe
case of helmet hair.
And you know, you can't
just comb that away.
I had to, I had to shampoo
in the drinking fountain.
Well, I was worried.
Please explain to me
why a father of two
and a husband of one
suddenly feels the need
to risk his neck
speeding around
a muddy track on a motorcycle
with a bunch
of other yahoos.
Okay, I'll explain.
'Cause I like it.
- Oh, that's mature.
What do you mean,
a bunch of other yahoos?
Do you think
I'm a yahoo?
[Becky and Jesse arguing]
They're fighting.
Let's go flush
something.
Beck, you know that there's
always been a part of me
that loves taking risks.
It-it makes me feel alive.
It takes the everyday-ness
out of the everyday.
Well, what happens when
Motocross gets boring, huh?
Where do you
draw the line?
Bullfighting, hang gliding,
nude welding?
Line drawn right there.
You know,
my Uncle Spiros, right?
He never took a risk
in his life.
One day, he walks out his
front door, and boom! He's dead.
- Heart attack?
- No. He lived in a Winnebago.
See, he was going 60,
opened the door, he went out..
It's not a pretty sight.
Anyway, the point
I'm trying to make here is
that there are
no guarantees in life.
I say every once in a while,
you gotta take a risk.
[toilet flushes]
Guess what we flushed!
I'll go take
a risk right now.
[theme music]
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a place ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-bop
bah-da ♪♪
Hey, guys.
Oh, now there's something
you don't see every day.
A nun with a goatee.
This is
"The Jerry Springer Show."
D.J., Stephanie,
tomorrow night, no TV.
- Uncle Joey!
- It's not fair.
Because you have two tickets
to see your favorite group.
Counting Crows!
Uncle Joey, I love them!
I listen to them all the time!
All my friends are going.
It's been sold out for weeks.
Where'd you get these?
Well, I, uh...I won
a little sub-eating contest
at El Bloato's sub shop.
I polished off
an entire Megameaty
in less than a minute.
You, uh, you ate a sub
just to win tickets?
Well, the truth is,
I, uh--
You didn't even know
it was a contest, did you?
Wanna go
to the concert or not?
Wait a minute. How come Steph
and D.J. get to go and not me?
Michelle, you know you're not
into that kind of music.
Sure I am.
I listen to it all the time.
- You do not.
- Do too.
- Don't.
- Do.
- Don't!
- Girls! Girls!
That's enough.
Okay, we've heard
your opening statements
and I think
Michelle is right.
We have to do
what's fair.
We're always fair.
Okay. We've got three girls
and two tickets.
Any ideas?
Yeah. Yeah,
I got an idea.
Girls, in my pocket
I have three licorice whips.
One of them, I should add,
is half-eaten.
[clears throat]
Now..
Whoever gets that one, well,
you don't go to the show.
- Alright. I'm going.
- I'm going, too.
Every time you're fair,
I get the shaft.
I'm sorry, Steph.
You know there'll be
other concerts.
Uh, Steph, if it makes you
feel any better
you can have that
licorice whip.
Yay! My favorite flavor.
Slobber and lint.
Alright, now, D.J.
there's gonna be
a big crowd there, okay?
So I want you to keep your eyes
on Michelle every second.
I don't want her
coming home
with anything pierced
or tattooed.
Great. When did this
turn into a babysitting job?
Dad, all my friends
are gonna be there.
There's gonna be
a party after.
I'll bring Twister.
Oh, now I'm feeling better.
I'm sorry.
You gotta handle this.
Life isn't always fair.
It was two minutes ago.
Alright, just the way
it worked out.
If you'll excuse us, uh,
Joey and I are gonna go upstairs
and retrieve a corn dog
from a sink trap.
- We are?
- Yes.
And then I'm gonna teach you
how to shave without eating.
If my dad couldn't do it,
there's no way you can do it.
This is great.
I'm gonna call Lisa.
Maybe she can tell me
who the Counting Cows are.
Counting Cows?
It's Counting Crows.
You've never even
heard of 'em.
I'll hear them
at the concert.
I can't believe it.
The little liar.
We're both
totally burned.
Yeah.
[both sigh]
But what if Michelle
had to give me her ticket
because she couldn't
go to the concert?
Sounds like
you have a plan.
Ah! Indeed, I do.
[theme music]
Becky and Dan are on.
Turn up the volume.
Hmm. Oh yeah.
These batteries
must be shot.
I think your brain
is shot.
That's the remote
control
for Nicky and Alex's
toy helicopter.
Oh, cool.
- Give me.
- Ow!
So with no further ado,
let's say hello
to the bungee-jumping
grandma herself
Edna Parrish.
- Hello, there. How are you?
- Great.
Hi, Edna.
Nice to meet you.
Make yourself
at home.
Well, besides
bungee jumping
Edna has also
whitewater rafted
done some cliff diving
and even
wrestled alligators.
Whoa, 'gators.
Edna, wow. Any plans
to slow down a little?
Like, maybe only
defy death once a week?
Oh, no, sirree.
I've lived as long as I have
because of the risks I take.
That's right.
Listen to her, Beck.
It's the same philosophy
my dearly departed Arthur had..
...before his
parachute accident.
I'm so sorry.
Parachute accident.
What a horrible way to go.
Not really.
He was asleep
in the backyard
and this paratrooper
landed on him.
Oh! He didn't feel a thing.
Maybe now would be
a good time
to take a look at Edna's
most recent bungee adventure.
Oh!
Cowabunga!
(Becky)
'Whoa, that's amazing!'
(Danny)
'I'm thinking you don't need
a big early-bird dinner'
'before doing something
like that, Edna.'
You know, Edna..
I see you do
something like that
and I see you here in person,
and you're so full of life.
I mean,
maybe my husband's right.
Maybe there is something
to this risk-taking thing.
Looks like someone's
seen the light.
I'll tell you.
Why don't you two
come bungee jumping
with me next week?
Well, what
do you say, Stretch?
Well, I'm not
a scaredy-cat
now but when it comes
to bungee jumping
I've got two words
for you.
Me-ow.
What are you scared of?
It's safe, and it's fun!
Well, Edna, I don't know
about Stretch here
but you talked me
into it.
Oh, good.
Next week, you and I
are going bungee jumping.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- Oh, yes, she is.
Didn't you hear her?
I'll turn it up.
[helicopter whirring]
[piano music]
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- How was your day?
- Oh, terrific. It was great.
I dropped the boys off
at nursery school
did some grocery shopping..
Oh, by the way,
you're not bungee jumping.
The band came over,
we worked on this little tune--
Wait a second.
Did you just say
I'm not bungee jumping?
Yeah. The band came over,
we did this really cool tune.
It kind of
has a Shaft vibe.
[imitates tune]
That's it? We're not
gonna talk about it?
We just did.
I said it's a Shaft vibe.
I mean the bungee jumping.
Oh, that,
the bungee jumping.
Why, I think we pretty much
talked that out.
No, no, no. Wait a second.
Wait a second.
You've talked it out.
I'm just getting warmed up.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Jumping off a bridge
attached to
a little rubber band?
That isn't you.
I mean,
you're a talk show host.
The riskiest thing
you've ever done is
try Ed Asner's carrot cake.
Well, what happened
to taking risks?
Feeling alive.
Taking the everyday-ness
out of the everyday?
Well, that was me.
This is you. You're a mother.
You're a father!
This is a complete
double standard.
Oh, come on. This is not
a double standard.
There are just some things
that I can do that you can't.
Well, this ain't
one of 'em.
I'm bungee jumping.
End of discussion.
No.
No, this discussion
isn't over
until I say it's over.
Now, it's over.
[exhales]
Michelle, how can you
sit there in just a T-shirt?
The furnace broke,
and the house is freezing.
Yeah, you better put this on
before you get sick.
What are you talking about?
I'm boiling.
Boiling?
Ow!
Whoo!
Put another
shrimp on the Barbie.
If only we could
take her temperature.
Hey, we're in luck.
A thermometer in my parka.
What are the odds?
We better get you
into bed immediately.
But I feel fine.
Well, all sick people
start off feeling fine.
Oh, my gosh.
116!
Is that bad?
Not if you're
a rump roast.
Sounds to me like...
Shmedrick's disease.
Shmedrick's disease?
Uh-oh, D.J., the next
sign of Shmedrick's.
She's getting the spots.
Spots? What spots?
These spots.
They're on
my pillow, too!
Whoo! That stuff
spreads fast.
Steph, it's definitely
Shmedrick's.
I mean, she's showing
the first three signs.
Fever, red spots,
vomiting.
I didn't throw up.
Uh-oh. The next sign...
memory loss.
Well, thank God,
you've got two loving sisters
that care for you
and make you comfortable
and nurse you
back to health.
Oh, there you are.
I had to turn down
your thermostat.
Did you know some chucklehead
turned it up to 100--
Kimmy, is there a particular
reason you're over here?
Oh, yeah. I need to borrow
a couple things.
It's my turn
to cook dinner
and my dad wants
Beef Wellington.
Oh. What do you need?
Beef and whatever
the heck Wellington is.
Listen, Kimmy, just take
whatever you want.
Now, if you'll
excuse us..
Hey, Rip Van Runt.
Isn't it a little early
for beddy-bye?
I've got Shmedrick's disease.
Really? I had that
when I was ten.
Somehow I doubt that.
You're right. It was
chicken pox, and I was eight.
No, wait a minute.
It wasn't me it was my cousin--
Goodbye, Kimmy.
Geez, you share
one childhood memory..
When is dad coming home?
Uh, Michelle,
about this disease..
See, it's a minor illness
for people our age.
But if a grown-up gets it
or even hears you
talking about it..
Well, then..
...something happens.
- Right, D.J.?
- Yeah.
Uh, it's terrible.
Um, they go completely bald.
You know that, uh,
Captain Picard on "Star Trek?"
Shmedrick's.
So how do I get better?
Just stay in bed
until tomorrow.
Luckily, you only have
24-hour Shmedrick's.
If I have to stay in bed
that means
I'll miss the concert.
Oh, no.
We didn't even
think of that.
That ticket's gonna
go to waste.
If only you knew someone
who was sitting home tonight
with no plans and already
had her coat on.
Do you wanna go, Steph?
Me? Well, let's see.
No plans.
And look at that,
a coat on.
Dad's home.
Uh, thanks for the ticket,
Michelle. Got to go.
And, uh, just stay in bed.
Don't tell anyone anything.
- Yeah.
- 'Wait.'
You guys have been
so good to me
I've got to
tell you the truth.
I really didn't care
about the Counting Cars.
Crows!
All I wanted to do was something
grown-up with you guys.
You get to do
all kinds of fun stuff
and I always feel
left out.
Really?
You do?
You guys are so cool.
I want to grow up
and be just like you.
Oh, rats!
We were so close.
Michelle, you're fine.
There's nothing
wrong with you.
You mean I don't
have Shmedrick's?
No. Mr. Shmedrick
is my biology teacher.
We made the whole thing up.
We were just mad because
you weaseled that ticket
away from Stephanie.
Yeah. Here.
You go to the concert.
No. You guys go.
You're the one who really
liked Counting Cats.
- Crows!
Thanks, Michelle.
Hey, and we promise
next weekend
the three of us
will go out
and do something
really grown-up.
Get pierced and tattooed?
Uh, how about
a PG movie?
With mature themes
and adult situations?
- Come on out of there.
- Yeah.
Beck. Beck,
I gotta talk to you
before you go out
and do something crazy.
Okay, but make it fast
'cause I have to jump off
a bridge in an hour.
Listen, I know why
you're doing this.
You're trying
to get back at me
for all the times
I made you worry.
Well, you know what?
It worked. I'm worried.
You win. Sit down.
Relax. Have a muffin.
Jess, this has
nothing to do with you.
I'm doing this for that
little girl back in Nebraska.
"Low Board" Donaldson.
Is that your cousin
with one eyebrow?
- That's Celeste.
- Oh oh oh.
I'm Low Board.
When I was ten, I went
to the public swimming pool
with all my friends
and we decided that
we would jump off
the high diving board.
Well, I climbed
all the way to the top
I took one look down
and I chickened out.
By the time I got back
down to the bottom
I had a new nickname.
- "Low Board."
- Hmm.
You know, I can relate
to that actually.
You won't believe this,
I got my nickname
at a swimming pool, too.
"Shallow End" Tanner.
College sophomores
can be so cruel.
I'll, uh..
I'll be in the car.
Beck, think about it,
jumping off a diving board
is not the same
as jumping off a bridge.
One makes a big splash,
the other makes a big splat.
Jess, this is just
something I have to do.
No, breathing is something
you have to do.
Eating is something
you have to do.
Refilling the cream dispenser
is something you have to do.
This is something
that you don't have to do.
Honey, I'm gonna do it.
And if you don't
understand why
then you don't
understand me.
I don't understand it.
Am I wrong here?
- Yes.
- Who asked you?
Jess, now you know how Becky
feels while she's home worrying
while you're out
doing your Motocross stuff.
Why is she worried about me?
I'm not worried about me.
Jess, don't you get it?
Listen,
you're my best friend
so I'm gonna tell you this
from my heart, okay?
She's worried about you
for the same reason
you're worried about her.
You care more about
her life than your own life.
Because, let's face it, buddy
she makes your life
worth living.
Oh, Joseph,
that was mature
insightful,
and very sensitive.
Thank you.
Okay. Now, cartoons.
[imitates Popeye's chuckle]
[sighs]
Well, I can't believe
I'm saying this
but right after
the news break
Edna and I will be
bungee jumping off this bridge.
Yes, that's right,
they're both gonna be helplessly
plummeting hundreds of feet
down, down, down,
off this bridge
toward rock-solid rock,
only to be snapped
from the jaws of death
at the last possible second.
Don't go away.
And we're clear.
Hey, Stilts,
what is this horse hockey
about the jaws of death?
We have a perfect
safety record!
Oh, I'm sorry, Edna.
It was for dramatic effect.
It makes
for great television.
And a terrified co-host.
(Becky)
'Whoa.'
You know..
I'm also the terrified
producer of this show
and I'm gonna make a teensy
little change in this segment.
Edna,
you're flying solo.
Uh, excuse me,
Ms. Producer.
Remember, Edna jumped by herself
on our show just last week.
That's no problem.
I'll, um..
I'll do it
in my bikini!
Well, I'm back to being
"Low Board" Donaldson again.
Oh.
I'd rather be
"Low Board" than..
..."Gunk in a Gorge."
I'm going to get some
Danish and some make-up
and something else.
See ya.
[instrumental music]
[engine revving]
Jess, honey,
what are you doing here?
Listen, Beck..
I totally understand you now.
Joey explained
everything to me.
Honey, you're
listening to a man
who sleeps in
"Power Ranger" pajamas.
The reason I'm so worried is
because I love you so much.
In loving you so much
I realized that
you have the right
to do anything you want.
To live your life as full
and rich as you want.
I mean, if you
wanna take a risk
take a risk.
I have no right
to tell you not to.
Yes, you do.
You have every right.
You're an American.
You have the right
to free assembly.
You have a right
to an attorney
if you choose to have one.
And you have
the right to stop me
from making
a horrible mistake.
So, what you're saying
is you're afraid?
In a word, deathly.
Listen, bottom line is,
do you really want to do this?
Well..
...yes.
I would love to take
a fearless leap
and spread my wings
and fly.
And if I actually had wings,
I would do it.
Well, then it's up to you.
You can stay up here and be
"Low Board" Donaldson forever
or you can put all your
fears behind you
and you can experience
the thrill of a lifetime.
It does look exciting.
If I had the opportunity,
I wouldn't turn it down.
Hey.
Okay, folks. We're on
the air in 20 seconds.
- Off the set, please.
- Alright. So?
Are you gonna jump or
do we we have to go with..
Whoa! Edna's in a thong!
And she's looking
pretty hot.
And we're ready
in 5, 4, 3, 2..
Well, we're back,
San Francisco
and there's been a slight
change of plans.
Instead of me
jumping with Edna
we thought it would
be a fun surprise
if I were to share
the thrill of a lifetime
with my husband
Jesse Katsopolis.
What? Huh? What?
Uh, Beck, I'm not sure
the audience is ready
for such a fun surprise
at this hour in the morning.
I mean, maybe they had
a big breakfast--
I think the audience
is ready for a fun--
- Sausage.
- No. No sausage.
I think they're ready
for a fun surprise.
It is sweeps week.
Just tighten him up
nice and snug. Safe and snug.
What-what are these things
they're putting?
Beck, can't we just
work up to this thing?
You know, like,
jump off something small
and then work our way up,
like, like, like the curb.
Camera, can you get this?
Whoa! That's far down there.
And then we..
And then we go.
Come on, honey,
you were the one that said
this was a thrill
of a lifetime.
Yeah, your lifetime.
Not mine.
Alright, you lovebirds.
Over the railing
and into the gorge.
Ready, honey?
Here we go.
Honey, rubber bands
snap on occasion.
Well..
It's a thrill..
...of a lifetime.
You're not afraid,
are you?
In a word,
deathly.
(Becky)
'Oh, my God.'
(Becky and Jess)
Have mercy!
[both screams]
[Becky screaming]
Oh, my God!
(Becky)
Wow! That was incredible.
What a rush!
Honey, are you okay?
(Jesse)
I don't know.
Yeah. I'll tell you
when my stomach gets here.
Okay, yes.
Good, I'm fine. I'm fine.
(Becky)
Oh, Jess..
I love you so much!
I'm so glad I did this!
- Wanna do it again?
- Do you?
- Nah.
[theme music]