[theme music]
Trust me, Michelle.
You are ready.
Okay. Come on down, you guys!
Everybody, come out in
the living room. Hurry up!
We gotta do this right now.
Hurry up. Come on.
We gotta do this right now.
(Danny)
'Okay, what?'
Michelle is ready
for another try.
[all sighing]
Freeze.
She's just gonna
do it to us again.
No, she won't. I've been
working with her all day.
Believe me,
the kid is psyched.
Alright, let's give the little
ankle-biter one more try.
- Come on, over here.
- Here we go.
Come on, Michelle.
(all singing)
♪ Ring around the rosey ♪
♪ A pocket full of posey ♪
♪ Ashes ashes
we all fall down ♪♪
She did it again.
The kid's got
a real mean streak.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ Aah aah aah ♪
♪ Aaah ♪
♪ What ever happened
to predictability? ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I
get to living here? ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ And a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[theme music]
[guitar music]
First rule of rock 'n' roll.
Never cut a guy's power off
when he's duck-walking.
I'm sorry. But it's time
for your appointment.
And what appointment
would this be?
Your haircut appointment
with Mr. Stephanie.
Come on, Uncle Jesse.
Let's play beauty parlor.
Well, Uncle Jesse doesn't
wanna play beauty parlor.
Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does.
Stephanie.
Now, listen
you're six years old
you're in first grade
this phony crying routine
and this lip motif
is not gonna work anymore.
- It's not?
- No.
I knew this would
happen someday.
Okay, forget beauty parlor.
[moaning]
How do you play beauty parlor?
Come to my salon!
Why am I such a sucker?
Because you love me.
I knew I had a good reason.
[laughing]
Hey, she's not finished yet.
Joey is going to look fabulous.
[imitates whirring]
(Jesse)
'Good God.'
Thank goodness you came
to me when you did.
If you don't look good,
I don't look good.
Joseph, I have two words for you
"Pearl Earrings."
Hmm, those would look nice.
Next!
- Next.
- Thank you, Josephina.
(Stephanie)
Toes up or you'll drip.
Okay, toes up or I'll drip.
Okay, I got it.
You're gonna need a weed
whacker for that bush.
No, I won't.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Those are real scissors.
- Yeah.
- Isn't this a pretend haircut?
- Yeah.
Then where are
the pretend scissors?
Mr. Stephanie does have
other appointments.
Alright, alright. Just be very,
very careful, Mr. Stephanie.
Because as we know,
no one really cuts my hair
except for Alejandro.
So have you heard who
Ms. Piggy's been dating lately?
Hey, Jess, would you mind
watching the girls tonight?
I wanna try my Roger Rabbit
impression at laugh machine.
Joey, it's Saturday night.
[mimicking Roger Rabbit]
Oh, come on, Jess. Please.
Pretty please.
Be a sport.
Be a pal. Be a chum.
I'll give you a big, wet kiss.
[kissing]
[laughing]
Oops.
"Oops" wa-wa-what "oops" ?
Wa-what does "oops" mean?
Hey, breakfast is ready.
We're having pan...cuts.
I can't believe you did that.
What did you do?
Well..
Ha!
Have mercy.
Jesse.
I can't believe
you did that.
She cut my hair.
I've been butchered.
Jesse, take it easy.
It'll grow back.
- It's just hair.
- No.
Your hair is just hair.
My hair...is in her hand.
I can't believe you did that.
Here, give me my hair back.
Maybe Alejandro
can sow it back on.
Jesse, would you like me
to pack it in some ice?
[laughing]
Maybe we can get Erik Estrada
to be a hair donor.
[both chuckling]
Erik Estrada.
- I'm sorry, Uncle Jesse.
- So am I.
I can't believe you did that.
I can't believe you're
still saying that.
Stephanie.
I believe she did that.
Steph, what are you doing?
Punishing myself.
I'm sorry, toys.
I don't deserve to
play with you anymore.
Here, take Emily.
Goodbye, fun.
Honey, you don't
have to do this.
Yes, I do.
I'm too dumb to have toys.
And I don't deserve pillows
or blankets
or sheets too.
Steph, you don't wanna
sleep on your mattress.
You'll wake up with those little
button marks all over your back.
Look..
...you know, Uncle Jesse knows
you didn't do it on purpose.
So, honey, there's no
reason for you to feel bad.
Come on...
let's go have breakfast.
I can't leave the room.
I've grounded myself till
I'm 82.
You are not grounded.
I am your father
and I am ordering you
to play with your toys.
Here.
Daddy, please don't
make me have fun.
I'm sorry, honey, but someday
when you're a parent,
you'll understand.
Now, come on, have fun.
Hot dog.
Michelle, don't do that.
(Danny)
'Michelle, don't do that.'
Michelle, okay.
Why don't we play
a little game called..
...let's clean up our mess.
First, we're gonna put
Mr. Magazine back
on Mr. Coffee table.
Can you do that?
Very good.
And now we're gonna do
what daddy always does.
We're gonna put
them in order neatly.
We're gonna put the biggest
magazine on the bottom
that'd be the "Rolling Stone,"
of course.
And now comes the tricky part
because
"People Sports Illustrated"
and "Time,"
they're all the same size.
So, what do we do?
We alphabetize.
Perfect.
And then on the very
top sweetheart
goes the TV guide.
(Danny)
'Go ahead, honey.'
Put the TV guide on top.
The child is gifted.
Oh, Danny, don't turn this
sweet, little innocent girl
into a compulsive,
neurotic nut case
like oh..
Well, you, for example.
Okay, N-A-P. Let's go.
Now, while you're sleeping,
don't wrinkle your pajamas.
Dad, we finished the dishes.
I stacked saucers
on the salad plates
the salad plates
on the dinner plates
and the glasses
by color and size.
Good work, girls.
Daddy, I've tried really
hard to have fun.
Now can I please go
back to being sad?
Steph, you're being much
too hard on yourself.
It was just a little chunk
of Uncle Jesse's hair.
[doorbell ringing]
Not even a chunk,
it was a chunkette.
Hi. Come on in, Jesse.
- Uncle Jesse, what happened?
- Jesse, what happened?
- Tell us what's going on.
- I started--
Wait, wait. Wait.
Okay, what happened?
I'll tell you
exactly what happened.
Thanks to Mr. Stephanie's
pretend haircut
'I was forced to
get a real one.'
Which I hate!
After that,
I hopped on my Harley
and raced out of
the parking lot.
Guess I was so upset
I failed to see that
tiny sign that says
"Severe tire damage."
I wrecked my bike.
Next thing I know,
concrete sleeves.
[instrumental music]
Thanks for helping me, Rhonda.
My pleasure.
Here 's my number.
If you need a sponge bath,
give me a call.
And if you need
a sponge bath..
Well, you look like
a shower person.
Oh, Jess, does it hurt much?
Only when I think
about the next six weeks.
What am I gonna do
with two broken arms?
Well, I think you can scratch
bowling off the list.
I think you can scratch
scratching off the list.
I'm sorry, Uncle Jesse.
It's all my fault.
Oh, Steph,
it's not all your fault.
Jesse, tell her it's
not all her fault.
It's not all your fault.
Not a big help.
Well, let's see
your new haircut.
No, I'd rather you
remember me the way I was.
- Come on, let's see.
- No, Joey, leave my hat on.
Leave it on. Joey.
Somebody say something.
Pretty cool.
Definite possibilities.
Yeah, you went
from Eddie Van Halen
to Pee-wee Van Herman.
I think you look handsome.
Well, forget the hair.
I'm just happy you're okay.
Thanks, Deej.
I'm happy you're okay too.
- Ow, ow, ow!
- Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Stephanie, please.
Be a little more careful.
I'm starving.
I'm gonna fix myself
a bowl cereal.
- I'll get the door.
- I got it!
Takes more than
a couple of broken bones
to slow down big J.
Baby alert.
Uh, Danny, wait.
Was that a hungry cry
or a wet cry?
That was a hungry cry.
Well, In that case,
I'll help you.
Come on, Steph,
let's go help Uncle Jesse.
Help him?
I can't even hug him.
Steph.
Uncle Jesse, I'll help you.
D.J., I'm perfectly capable
of making
a simple bowl of cereal.
[chuckling]
It's dead.
I think you can eat it now.
He's fine.
He's perfectly capable of making
a simple bowl of cereal.
Let me give you a hand.
Now, do I look like
someone who needs a hand?
You look good in a hat.
(Danny)
'Jesse, don't make a mess.'
Let's get you into your
highchair, Michelle.
(Danny)
'Attagirl.'
'Keep Uncle Jesse company.'
I'm gonna change for work.
Here you go.
- You might need this.
- Thank you.
Michelle...keep an eye
on your Uncle Jesse for me.
Okay, Michelle, watch your
Uncle J in action here.
We simply pour in the milk.
Perfect!
Now, we add my favorite
part the bananas
or as you would call
them, "nanners".
And we simply shake.
This is too easy.
Now, we slice and peel..
..slice and peel, but how?
I got it.
Observe this, Michelle.
Observe this.
[whistling]
What are you laughing at?
Alright, now, grab a spoon
and I'm ready to enjoy a nice
bowl of oat boats.
If you liked that, Michelle,
you'll love this.
What's the matter, never seen
a grown man eat cereal before?
Not like a Great Dane.
Jesse, face it.
You got two broken arms.
Let us help you.
Uh, alright.
If it'll make you feel better.
- Help, help.
- Alright.
Michelle, I think your uncle
needs this more than you do.
(Danny)
'Open up.'
♪ Help I need somebody ♪
♪ Help not just anybody ♪
♪ Help you know I need someone ♪
♪ Help ♪
♪ When I was younger so much
younger than today ♪
♪ I never needed anybody's
help in any way ♪
♪ But now these days are gone
I'm not so self assured ♪
♪ Now I find I've changed my
mind and opened up the doors ♪
♪ Help me if you can
I'm feeling down ♪
♪ And I do appreciate
you being 'round ♪
♪ Help me get my feet
back on the ground ♪
♪ Won't you please
please help me ♪
♪ Help me help me ♪♪
♪ Calling out..♪
No, slower. Now.
♪ Calling out..♪
Faster than that.
Slower than that.
D.J., this is music.
Stephanie,
why don't you do this.
No way.
All you do is mope around.
Come on, everybody's
helping out but you.
I can't help.
Alright, come on, girls.
Alright, just forget it.
So stupid.
I can't even play my music.
I can't take care of myself.
This is so humiliating.
Just forget it, girls, alright.
Come with me.
[whirring]
Danny, open the back door.
- Got it.
- Open the back door.
Got it.
Now, slam it. Thank you.
Dad, Stephanie won't
help Uncle Jesse.
Steph, is that true?
I don't wanna break him.
I don't ever wanna
hurt Uncle Jesse again.
Steph, you didn't do anything
to hurt Uncle Jesse.
I only scalped him,
wrecked his motorcycle
and broke his arms.
No wonder he's so mad at me.
Deej, why don't you
go take a break.
Really? I'm off duty?
Yes. Yes. Yes!
Why am I still here?
Steph, I can see
where you might
think that you're
a little bit jinxed.
Jinxed?
Daddy, I'm the kiss of death.
Am I interrupting something?
I don't wanna talk
about it right now.
I'd leave, but I can't
reach the gate hook.
Jesse, there is nothing
you can do about your arms.
But there's something you can
do about Stephanie.
What are you talking about?
Steph is scared to death
to go near you.
She's afraid she's
gonna hurt you again.
Well, tell the little
rug rat, she's wacko.
I think you should tell the
little rug rat, she's wacko.
In maybe a little nicer way.
You're right.
Send her out here.
Thanks.
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
You can come a little closer.
I better not.
I'm dangerous.
That's why you hate me.
Stephanie Judith Tanner,
I do not hate you.
Then why are you yelling
and being so grouchy
and telling daddy
to slam doors?
Well, because I'm frustrated.
- You know what?
- What?
I've been feeling
sorry for myself.
And I've been acting
like a baby.
I didn't mean to blame you.
I'm very sorry.
You mean you're really
not mad at me?
No, I'm not..
Stephanie, you made
one little mistake.
Everybody makes mistakes.
Look, I'm an expert
bike rider, right?
I've never had one problem.
I miss one little sign.
Boom! I'm the mummy man.
Same thing with you, how many
pretend haircuts have you given?
Counting yours..
...a million.
See, you're an expert too,
but you made one little mistake.
Stephanie, I promise, I'm gonna
be as good as new. Okay?
Okay.
Alright, now,
you get over here
and you give me
the world's biggest hug.
Lay it on me, baby.
What? Do I have
the cooties or something?
Come here, sit on my lap.
Easy. Go ahead.
There you go.
Alright, now..
...I'm gonna need your help.
What do you mean?
Well, since
I can't play my music
I was thinking on
working on some lyrics.
That is, if you could write
them down for me.
I could do that. If you write
about dog, cat
tree and Stephanie.
- Can you spell baby?
- B-A-B-Y.
Good, then we have a hit.
You know the best part
about you helping me?
What?
I get to spend more
time with my little buddy.
I'm so glad you
broke your arms.
- Hey.
- Hey, what?
You're hugging me,
and I'm, uh, not even hurting.
You're right.
The curse is broken!
(both)
Have mercy!
Thank you. Thank you.
Alright.
So, what do you think
of my new haircut?
- Better than Garry Shandling's?
- No.
- Alright, how about Don King's?
- No.
Thanks, I feel a lot better.
Michelle, I've had
a lot of time to think.
Because let's face it,
there's not much else I can do.
You know how I'm always saying
that things happen for a reason?
Well, maybe the reason
all this is happening to me
is because it's time to make
some changes in my life.
You know about change,
don't you, Michelle?
You realize that ever
since I've been 16 years old
I've had the exact same haircut?
I've ridden the same Harley.
I've dressed the same.
I've listened to the same music.
Had the same boring
job, killing bugs.
You know for a guy who likes
to live his life on the edge
I've been living
on the edge of a rut.
No. You know
something, Michelle?
Starting right now
I'm gonna start
shaking my life
up a little bit.
Oh, what? You think
I'm afraid to change?
Oh, su..
Oh, I get it.
You think I'm caught up
in this whole rebel thing
and I refuse to grow up.
From now on,
I'm gonna be a lot more
open to change.
I'm gonna start acting
like a mature adult.
Joey!
I need you!
Again?
Well, I had four
glasses of ice tea.
Okay, go on.
[theme music]
[music continues]