[theme music]
Isn't Patrick Swayze cute?
Funny.
Not funny.
Yeah.
[theme music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to living here?
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ And everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[piano music]
♪ You got all a man would need ♪
♪ You fill my soul's
sweet desire ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ And I'm singing to a tire ♪
I'm singing to a tire!
What is..
Come on, this is your job!
Think, think!
You don't kill bugs anymore
you write advertising jingles.
You've sold one. One.
Alright, I need some
inspiration. I need, uh..
Sam.
Sammy, Samala.
My main man, speak to me.
Who can turn a lug-nut.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
It's me. Stephanie Tanner.
Uncle Jesse,
this is my friend, Harry.
- Hello, Harry.
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Harry's in my class.
He sits next
to the crayon bin.
That's very impressive, Harry.
Listen, I've two hours to write
a jingle for Fred's Tire Town.
So let me work, kids.
I can help.
In school I wrote
the poem about milk.
It made me
wanna cookie real bad.
Stephanie, I'm involved
in the creation
of a very sophisticated
musical composition.
Let's see if this sparks
anything. It goes like this.
♪ Ta ta ta ta ta ta ♪
♪ Fred's Tire Town ♪♪
- How about this.
- Hmm.
♪ It's a very very very very ♪
♪ Very very very very very
very very very very ♪
♪ Ni-i-i-ce place ♪♪
She's done it again.
Alright,
thanks for trying, Steph.
Alright, let's go. Anybody who's
not me, out of the room.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Nice meeting you, Harry.
- Jess.
- Ah!
You will not believe
what Michelle just said.
Poo-poo.
Thank you for sharing
that with me, Joseph.
Jess, this kid
is not all talk.
First she said it
then she did it.
I called Danny at work,
he said it's a sure sign
that Michelle is ready
for potty training.
Alright. High five, Michelle.
High five!
[laughing]
So, how's the
tire jingle coming?
Ah, Joseph,
I've lost it man.
I'm all dried up.
I got jingle block.
Uh, Jess, lighten up.
It'll come to you.
Hey, look, Michelle.
A picture of a tire.
Look. Isn't that
a cool tire, huh?
Yeah, it's like
totally radial, dude.
Get out! Go!
Get out.
- Bye-bye.
Totally radial, dude!
Totally radial.
You think?
It's funny.
Totally radial, huh.
It's kinda hooky actually.
Totally radial.
Pew pew pew
pew pew pew.
Ugh, you got me. Ooh!
Oh!
Master of the universe,
your tea is ready.
I'm not master of the universe,
anymore. I'm G.I. Joe.
And G.I. Joe
doesn't drink tea.
He does when he plays
house with me.
Got it, chief.
Sweet low, Joe.
- Oh, this tea is poison!
- Oh!
[choking]
Freeze, nerd bombers!
Up, up, up, up!
Better keep away
from my stuff.
I just got back from karate
class and I'm pumped.
Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah!
Ha!
You're just jealous because, I
have a boyfriend and you don't.
You're dreaming.
You don't have a boyfriend.
It so happens, I do.
- Who?
- Him.
Me?
You're a boy,
you're my friend.
That makes you
my boyfriend.
Got it, chief.
More tea, soldier?
[choking]
I'm never having kids.
[choking]
Joey? Joey!
- Yeah, what is it?
- Where's Michelle?
Where is my little genius?
Well, last time
I saw Madame Curie
she was licking squash off
the high chair.
She's takin' a nap.
Look at this.
The latest hi-tech potty.
It's Japanese,
it's state of the art
and it's digital.
Wow! It's all
happening so fast
Potty training. Pretty soon
Michelle will be off to school.
- Meeting boys.
- Goin' to the prom.
Getting married.
You know, we ought to think
about having another one.
The kid's back.
- You sold the jingle?
- Yes, sir.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you. Hey!
♪ It's totally radial
at Fred's Tire Town ♪
Totally radial.
- That's pretty clever, Jesse.
- Don't look at me.
Joey came up with it.
I did?
Of course, I did.
Thanks to you, Joseph,
I have a check for $827.
And half of it,
my friend, is yours.
Wow! Thanks, Jess.
That is very generous of you.
You know, it's real important
to me is that I get it in cash.
- I'm glad, I could help you.
- You did more.
Now, you snapped me out
of my jingle slump.
Almost feel
like huggin' you.
Almost.
You know, this is so great.
Guys, listen to me.
We should celebrate.
Let's all go out
for non-fat, frozen yogurt.
Before we get down
and get totally funky
there's one more
piece of good news.
The ABC's giving me a shot
at a national commercial.
It's this thing for
Kitty Krispy's cat food.
We gotta come up with
a funny type jingle thing.
So, Joey, if you
have a little time..
...maybe you'd like to
do a little work together.
Maybe, uh, I don't know,
you and I could become..
- Yes!
- Partners?
- Yes!
- Wanna do it, Joey?
- I don't know.
- Ah, Joey!
- Of course, I will.
- Alright, good, man.
I really need you
on this jingle.
This little thing could
make my career take off.
We'll make a great team.
Yeah, we'll be like, uh,
we'll be like, Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance kid, huh?
Great. Can I be Butch?
Not in that shirt.
Now, Michelle, with any luck
this is something you'll be
doing the rest of your life.
Now watch closely.
Potty Polly sits down.
And she makes
the bell go ding-ding.
[bell ringing]
And then she gets a cookie.
Hat.
No, no. Bad hat.
Not a big hit
in the Easter parade.
Alright, let's uh, let's try
some different musical styles.
- Let's do a little reggae boy.
- Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, man.
- One, two, three, four.
- Ah. Oh.
♪ Day-o ah ♪
♪ We ate the cat food every
day-o ♪
♪ Ah la la la la ♪♪
Alright, we got that
out of our system.
You got that, man.
Alright, let's try a little
like a conga thing.
Like a thing, thing, thing.
Like this.
[Congo drums music]
That's it.
♪ Do we like this music? ♪
I think, I threw my back out.
Alright, alright, come on, man.
Let's get back to our roots.
Just get a little
rock 'n roll like, uh..
Kinda like a..
Yeah.
Oh, big daddy, now,
this music says cat food.
Alright, good, good.
That's the style, that's
the style. That's the motif.
Now what we need
are some words.
Like, I mean, my partner happens
to be the king of comedy.
Ready, Joey?
Be funny.
Hey, what a great audience.
So, where are you from?
Oh, cut it out.
Get outta here.
Come on, Joey.
I need like, I need like, uh..
Like something catchy like..
...like this "Totally radial"
thing you got for me, right.
But they need to be
cat food funny.
Okay, ready?
Be funny.
Okay, cats. Funny cat food.
- Funny cats. Funny cats.
- Funnier. Funny.
Uh, two cats
walk into a bar.
Urgh. Take my cat, please.
Uh. A priest, a rabbi and a cat
are sitting in a row boat.
Joey, that's not funny.
It's not me.
It's-it's the room.
It's, uh,
like working a telethon.
We need a funny room.
We'll go to my room.
- My room is the funny room.
- Alright, fine.
We'll go to your room.
Go.
- Ow!
- Ow! Ow!
Ice cream race.
Bad idea.
♪ Funny room ♪
♪ Everyone's going
to the funny room ♪♪
I love coming here.
Stephanie, I was saving those
ice cream bars for me and Kimmy.
They're mine.
Well, they don't have
your name on them.
Yes, they do.
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
- Here, D.J.
- Stephanie.
You're always
messing up my stuff.
I warned you
and I'm gonna get you back.
You won't know
when it's coming
and you won't know
how it's coming.
But it's coming.
Can you see why
she doesn't have a boyfriend?
Warming up the funny bone
a little bit.
Good.
[trumpet sound]
Hello. Ooh, I hate that rabbit.
And now, something
we hope you really like.
Thanks, Rocky.
[imitates Popeye's laugh]
How embarass-king.
I love you, Spartacus.
Ha ha, alright.
Now that's funny. Here.
- Think cat food. Go on.
- Okay, okay.
I got it. A duet.
- A guy sings with his cat.
- That's good, Joey.
That's good. Alright,
let me give you little..
...music here so it goes like.
[humming]
♪ I went
to my cat the other day ♪♪
Wait!
You be the guy.
- I'll be the cat.
- Love it!
And when we make
the presentation
I'll sing in a cat voice.
- Love it!
- And when we go in there.
- I'll wear a cat suit.
- I hate it.
Come on, partner.
I can get a cat costume.
My friend was
in a Broadway play.
What the heck was
the name of it again?
- Cats.
- That's the one!
Joseph, tomorrow morning
we're going in to make
a presentation to a very
important advertising agency.
Now, it's gonna be a room
full of serious suits and ties.
We can't go in there looking
like amateurs. Trust me.
- I'm a professional.
- Hey, trust me.
I'm a professional too.
Jess, they want
a funny jingle
let's go in there
and be funny.
Give me that.
No, cat suit.
How about just
ears and a tail?
Joseph! This is no joke now.
You look me in the eye
and you promise me.
No, cat suit.
I promise. No, cat suit.
Thank you.
So, I guess the six foot ball
of yarn is out of the ques..
(Jess)
'My partner should be
here any moment.'
But in the meantime,
can I get you folks anything?
Freshen up your coffee.
Sharpen your pencils.
Yeah, you look
like a happy crowd.
- Right this way, Mr. Gladstone.
- Oh, good.
- Hi.
- Hi, Joey.
Uh, this is my partner,
Joseph Gladstone.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Great.
My partner and I have
worked long and hard
to come up with a campaign
that we feel has
strong consumer appeal.
May I present..
Cat puppet.
[instrumental music]
Joseph, I think uh, you and I
have to have a little talk.
Right after this word
from Kitty Krispy's.
No.
[instrumental music]
♪ Well I went to my cat
the other day ♪
♪ And asked him
what he'd like to eat ♪
♪ He said I'm sick of that junk
you're feeding me ♪
♪ How about a brand new treat ♪
♪ He said I'm sick of that
junk you're feeding me ♪
♪ How about a brand new treat ♪
♪ So I went to the supermarket ♪
♪ To find that special blend ♪
♪ He said buy me those
Kitty Krispy's man ♪
♪ And I'll be your best friend ♪
♪ He said buy me those
Kitty Krispy's man ♪
♪ And I'll be your best friend ♪
♪ Meow-a meow-a ♪
meow-a meow-a ♪
♪ Meow-a meow-a ♪
♪ And now me and my cat
are buddies ♪
♪ Really do get along ♪
♪ Share cases and cases
of Krispy's now ♪
♪ And all we do
is sing this song ♪
♪ Share cases and cases
of Krispy's now ♪
♪ Then all we do
is sing this song ♪
[meows]
♪ Now my little kitty ♪
♪ Is sitting really pretty ♪
♪ Eating Kitty Krispy's now ♪
♪ Meow-ow-ow-a ♪♪
Oh, come here,
you little food processor.
[chuckles]
I got you.
Uh, don't worry.
No more potty training today.
All I really want
is for you to be happy.
Get good grades
and get into
an Ivy League college.
Of course,
most major universities
do want you
to be potty trained.
Give me a kiss.
Aw!
Daddy? Look what D.J. did.
Did it
for your own good.
Boy, are you gonna get it.
Okay, daddy, ready?
On your mark,
get set, punish.
Dad, she's always
messing with my stuff.
I had to teach her
a lesson.
I'll take it from here, okay?
Stephanie, honey, you know
that we need to treat
each others property
with respect.
And D.J., in this family
we do not tie together
each others shoes.
Unless there's some kind
of weird emergency.
- Okay.
- Sure.
Red light.
What's our rule
after we fight?
- Never walk away angry.
Very good.
Now, go ahead and apologize.
- Sorry.
Now, D.J., help Stephanie
untie her shoes.
Poo-poo.
Poo-poo?
Oh, Michelle.
Oh, I'll tell you what.
Why don't we, uh,
just mosey on upstairs
and, uh, you know,
just sit down
maybe on the potty?
And, uh, we'll thumb through
some college catalogues.
Okay, D.J.,
you heard the man.
Untie my shoes.
The man said,
"Help untie her shoes".
Here's some help.
Start with
the little white sneaker.
You have to untie them too.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
See, what you've started?
Why do I get
all the blame for this, huh?
They said, "Thank you very much,
but we're going another way".
Which is advertising
lingo for
"Put your puppet
where the sun don't shine."
I took a risk.
I dared to be silly.
Why didn't you tell me
before you dared to be silly?
Man, you promised me.
I kept my promise.
I did not wear a cat suit.
You wore a cat suit
on your hand.
And you stabbed me
in the back with it.
Jess, this is not
that big a deal.
You're not really mad at me.
There's something else
bothering you.
So, what is your problem?
Really?
My problem is, I'm living
in the same house with you.
Jess, what does that
supposed to mean?
Maybe, it means,
we don't need three fathers.
Haven't you seen that show
"My Two Dads"?
Two is all you need.
- Alright, fine with me.
- Fine with me.
- Fine.
This is ridiculous.
D.J., they sound really mad.
Are they gonna get a divorce?
Not if we make 'em
to make up.
You get Uncle Jesse
and I'll get Joey.
We'll all meet
back in our room.
You have a great mind, D.J.
If you could
only use it for good.
Stephanie, I'm sure there's
no monsters in your closet.
But I'll check for it.
I don't believe
you broke a window.
I don't believe it,
'cause it's not broken.
Well, well, well,
look who's here.
Well, well, well,
look who's leaving.
- I'm outta here.
- Red light.
We have a rule
in this house.
Never walk away angry.
So, say you're sorry
to each other.
Please.
- Sorry.
That was pathetic.
[knock on door]
I don't wanna
get anybody's hopes up
but I think Michelle
is on the verge
of a major breakthrough.
[bells ringing]
Oh, my God.
We're missing it.
[laughing]
Michelle, we did it.
That's my big girl.
(all)
Yeah.
Alright, Michelle.
You're one step closer
to a diaper free world.
Come on, little mouse,
I'll get you ready
and we'll all go out
and celebrate.
[laughing]
Dear little
pumpkin sucker.
Jesse, you're with that magazine
was that too cute or what?
[laughing]
Does this mean you're
not getting a divorce?
A divorce?
What are you talkin' about?
You said there were
too many dads here.
You guys heard
us fighting, huh?
We don't want
anybody to leave.
- Uh, we need to talk.
- Right.
Come on.
Let's sit down.
Girls, nobody
is leaving this house.
Right. We just
had a little fight.
You see, sometimes
in the heat of the moment you
say things that
you don't really mean.
You know what I'm talkin' about.
You guys fight all the time.
We're sisters.
We're supposed to fight.
It's our job.
Well, same with us.
We fight like brothers.
You mean that, Jess?
You think of me like a brother?
Well, you definitely,
you irritate me like a brother.
Jess, that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
Oh, we helped raise
these kids together.
We do the laundry together,
we make school lunch together.
Somewhere along the line
we became brothers.
And housewives.
[chuckles]
Hey, I'm sorry about springing
that puppet on you.
I thought it would be a big hit.
I was trying to surprise you.
I guess, I should've
talked to you about it first.
Uh, it was cute.
Uh, I'm sorry
for getting crazy, Joey.
Joey, you know
that thing you said about
something else
was botherin' me.
You're right.
I'm scared.
- You're scared?
- Scared of what?
Scared of not makin' it.
You don't know, how hard it was
to break away from my father
leave the family business.
The thought of me...crawling
back, killin' bugs again.
Admitting that I failed.
I just don't know,
if I'm good enough.
Jess, no one ever knows.
I go through that same fear
every time I jump up on stage
and try and make people laugh.
Hey, but you gotta hang tough.
You got a real talent.
If it makes it
any easier for you.
Hey, we've all
got faith in you.
"Fred's Tire Town"
is my favorite song.
We're gonna sing it
at graduation.
Well, I'm gonna ask.
Thank you, guys.
That makes me feel a lot better.
You know, Joseph, uh..
...yeah, few problems
in the beginning but..
...we did make
a pretty good team.
Yeah, we did some good stuff.
What do you say?
Still wanna be partners?
Like Butch and Sundance?
Yeah. Martin and Lewis.
Bert and Ernie.
- No, puppets.
Put it there, partner.
Come here, bro.
- This calls for a tea party.
- Alright!
- Let's have some tea here.
- Okay.
Okay, a little toast
to our friendship.
Here we go.
This tea is poison!
[all choking]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪♪
[theme music]