[instrumental music]
♪ Goodnight my love ♪
♪ Doo ah ♪
♪ Pleasant dreams
and sleep tight my love ♪
♪ Doo ah ♪
♪ May tomorrow be
sunny and bright ♪
♪ And bring you closer to me ♪
♪ Do do do ♪
♪ Doo ah ♪
♪ Doo ah ♪♪
Doo-ah!
[theme music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability? ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ How did I get
to living here? ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole worlds
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little
voice inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[sobbing]
I'm so happy you
could stay for dinner, Becky.
Me too.
I love to see
a grown man cry.
Becky, you really
ought to go out with him.
You're breaking
the guys heart.
Back off, man.
I was chopping onions.
Come on in, Michelle.
Bring the bread with you.
Heavy.
There we go.
Thank you.
And for being such a good girl
you get to ride on your horsey.
Thank you, Joey.
- Try this.
- Mmm. Mmm.
- Very good.
- A little garlic.
Okay, now that
you're both here..
...I need a favor.
As you both know
the Women in
Media Charity Bachelor Auction
is this Thursday,
and as you also know..
...I'm the one in charge
of finding eligible bachelors
to auction off as dates,
so, I was wondering--
Becky, this kinda thing, it's..
it's embarrassing for me.
I mean, you know.
Women checking me out.
Poking me and..
...prodding me
like I'm a slab of beef.
I'll do it.
- Thanks, Joey.
- Alright.
Oh, Jesse,
won't you do it for me?
Please? Pretty please?
As a personal favor.
It'd make me
really, really happy.
This is really,
really unfair.
But it's for a really,
really good cause.
I'm really,
really gonna regret this.
Thanks, Jess.
Guys, I've got to warn ya,
Rebecca's gonna try to..
Beat me home.
I caught all the lights.
Good news though.
Joey and Jesse said yes.
We're gonna make
a fortune auctioning off dates
with you three handsome devils.
Three?
Rebecca, you can't
auction me off.
I'm the auctioneer.
You never
auction off the auctioneer.
That would make
the auctioneer the auctionee.
It's confusing.
I'm confused just saying it.
Won't you do it for me?
As a personal favor?
It'd make me really,
really happy.
Well, I guess
I feel real special now.
Stop the homework.
But if I stop, you won't
have anything to copy.
Well, this is more important.
How do you feel
about Michael Montfort?
He's okay, I guess.
Well, I heard from Tom Altobello
who sits next
to the Epstein twins
that Michael Montfort likes you.
Are you serious?
He's so cute.
But I thought he was just okay.
That was before
I knew he liked me.
Are you sure he likes me?
He wants you to meet
him tomorrow
after school at the bike racks.
Is this a trick?
If I'm lying, I will
never go shopping again.
He really does like me.
[sighs]
♪ Michael and D.J.
sitting in a tree ♪
♪ Kiss.. ♪♪
How did you
find out about this?
♪ ING ♪
♪ First comes love ♪
♪ Then comes marriage.. ♪♪
Does the whole school know?
I don't think
the third grade knows.
They were on a field trip.
♪ Then comes D.J.
with a baby carriage ♪
♪ Michael and D.J.
sitting in a tree.. ♪♪
Alright, when Michael
gets here we have to be cool.
Right. How do I look?
You look great.
How do I look?
What's the difference?
Here he comes.
- Hi, Michael.
- Hey, Gibbler.
[D.J. clears throat]
Bye, Michael.
Tell me everything.
- Hi.
Lot of bikes, huh?
Yeah. Good thing
they got all these bike racks.
So, are you gonna
eat lunch tomorrow?
Probably.
Me too! Maybe we
can eat together?
Okay.
But won't people say
that we're boyfriend-girlfriend?
Yeah, maybe.
Is that okay?
Yeah, I guess so.
Do you want this?
It's a friendship bracelet.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Thanks. It's really neat.
[all cheering]
- Yeah!
- Cool.
Way to go, D.J.
We have a boyfriend.
It's about time.
[instrumental music]
Okay, grandpa, the name
of the game is seven-card stud.
But this time,
only sixes, nines, twos
kings and one-eyed
jacks are wild.
Bingo.
Wrong game, Michelle.
Come on, guys. You don't
want to be late. Let's go.
- Okay.
So glad this isn't a rental.
Wow! You guys look so handsome.
(together)
Nah!
Okay, bye.
What's the big rush?
We have to wait for Rebecca.
D.J. doesn't want you to meet
her new boyfriend, Michael.
(both)
Ooh!
I thought Michael was
coming over to do homework.
Since when is he your boyfriend?
Since Tuesday at lunch.
Did you mention
he also gave you a bracelet?
(both)
Ooh!
[doorbell rings]
Dad, if it's Michael,
promise you won't embarrass me.
Me?
Be Rebecca. Be Rebecca.
Hi, Michael!
Let's go do our homework.
Hello, Michael!
I'm Mr. Tanner,
D.J.'s father.
Dad!
[doorbell rings]
- I'll get it.
- Come on, now's our chance.
Have mercy.
Wow, Jess,
you cleaned up real nice.
All three of you.
You look so handsome.
(together)
Nah!
Yeah.
Come on, let's go.
Alright. See you later.
Bye-bye.
- 'Have fun.'
- Bye!
- Bye.
- See you later.
I'll see your
two Flintstone stickers
and raise you
three Hello Kitty's.
I call.
Seven queens. Beat that.
Seven aces.
Bingo!
- No way.
- Really!
No way!
I swear my dad was alive
when Neil Armstrong
walked on the moon.
No way. It's in
our history book.
He said.
Amazing.
Well, I got to get home.
So, I'll see you
at lunch tomorrow?
- I can't.
- Why not?
I promised Kathy Santoni,
I'd sit with her tomorrow.
Kathy Santoni?
You can't eat lunch
with Kathy Santoni.
Everybody will say you're
boyfriend-girlfriend.
Maybe.
But I thought we were
boyfriend-girlfriend.
Yeah, well, you're real
nice and fun and smart..
...but Kathy Santoni
is...so pretty.
Thanks for helping me
with my homework.
I gotta go.
Hi, D.J. How come
your boyfriend left so soon?
I don't have a boyfriend.
Uh-oh.
Did he dump you?
We broke up.
Just forget it.
I want to be alone.
Here's your sleeping bag.
Your pajamas
and your pillow.
Go sleep with Michelle.
But-but-but..
Aren't you
forgetting something?
How rude.
[instrumental music]
Number 12. I'll remember that.
W-w-whoa! Whoa!
I'll remember that.
You see that? That woman
pinched me like a ripe tomato.
At least she noticed you.
I feel like I'm back in
high school. Nobody wants me.
[sighs]
I'm going to be
totally humiliated.
I'll probably get a zit.
Come on, this is fun.
Now we know how women feel.
Let's go to
the bathroom together.
Hi, guys. Having a good time?
Oh, Tres festive.
Is there any way
I can get out of this fiasco?
Hi, I'm Crystal.
Are you one of our bachelors?
Hi. Yes, I am.
Uh, tomato number 12.
I took the liberty
of buying you some champagne.
Thank you.
A, uh, toast to charity.
He's a true humanitarian.
Hey.
Hi, Michelle.
You got a roommate.
Isn't that fun?
Shh! Stephanie night-night.
I'll try
and keep it down.
Wake up.
Sold for $300.
Well, congratulations, Jeff.
Who would've guessed that
something, this wonderful
would happen to you
on your first day of parole.
(Danny)
'Just kidding.'
And now, ladies, feast your
eyes on bachelor number 10.
For an evening of dinner
and dancing at Luigi's
two weeks from now,
Mr. Joey Gladstone.
[women cheering]
The bidding starts
at $100. I have 100.
Do I have 150? 150.
Do I see 200?
Two hundred?
Two hundred dollars?
Ladies, I don't think you
understand what we have here.
This man is a comic,
he does impressions.
You buy him, you buy a date with
anyone your fantasies desire.
Tom Selleck.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Sylvester Stallone.
Uh, $200,
200. Do I have 250? 250.
- Do I see 300? 300?
- 'Three hundred.'
Three hundred dollars,
going once, going twice.
Sold for $300 to the woman
with the bird on her hat.
Hi, handsome.
Hi, I guess I'm your date.
Nice bird.
Oh, you're not for me, honey.
You're a little gift
for my granddaughter.
Oh, Heather.
Hi. He's cute.
Thanks, grandma.
Yeah, thanks, grandma.
And that brings us
to bachelor number 12.
Uh, wait a minute.
It seems that Danny has
conveniently forgotten
that he's bachelor number 11.
Ladies, Mr. Danny Tanner.
He's my co-host on
"Wake Up San Francisco."
He's a barrel of fun,
and look, he can change colors.
He's turning red
before our eyes.
Here you go.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Uh..
Alright, now remember,
this is for a very good cause.
Oh, uh..
Uh, now, our date
includes dinner
so at least you'll
get some food.
Hey! I've got a bid!
A hundred dollars.
Oh, bless you, miss.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I've got another bid.
A 150! Oh, thank you so much.
I'm hot, I'm happening.
Okay, 200? Anybody, $200?
Don't stop now, ladies,
I can go all night.
No, I think you
misunderstood me.
What I meant was, uh..
...sold for $150 to the lady
with the bird on her hat.
Do you have
another granddaughter?
Oh, no, sweetie.
You're for me.
We're gonna boogie
all night long.
I'll take a nap that day.
Okay, it's time now for bachelor
number 12, Mr. Jesse Katsopolis.
Come on, Jesse.
'Jesse is an up-and-coming
advertising jingle writer'
he's a musician, and--
Would you just get on
with the bidding?
Right. Do I have $100?
[chuckles]
Stupid question. Uh, 200?
Three hundred?
I bid $1000.
What do you think
of that, Jesse?
A thousand dollars
for a night with me?
No pressure there.
A thousand dollars,
going once, going twice--
Eleven hundred!
Eleven hundred?
Twelve hundred.
Thirteen hundred.
Fourteen hundred.
Seventeen hundred dollars.
Alright. How about $1800?
Anybody?
Take him. I could never explain
$1800 to my husband.
Sold to Rebecca Donaldson
for $1700.
I can't believe
Joey just did that.
Hey, all you guys get sold?
Nick, I got a great girl.
I got her grandmother.
Well, I got Becky.
Pop, she paid 1700 bucks for me.
What are you, nuts?
- Hey, that's what I said.
- Stifle..
Well, it was
for a good cause and I..
So, Nick, how are the kids?
Well, Stephanie had
to sleep with Michelle
because D.J. wanted to be alone.
Her boyfriend broke up with her.
- Oh, no.
- She must be crushed.
Her first broken heart.
[sighs]
This sounds like
a job for dad.
What should dad say?
You better take
along junior dads.
Junior dad time.
You paid 1700 bucks
for Jesse, huh?
I don't know
if you're aware of this
but you could've
had him for free.
[door opens]
(D.J.)
'Hi.'
We heard what happened.
Did you have a fight?
No. It's all because
I'm not pretty.
- Oh.
- Come on.
That's not true.
I think you're very pretty.
You have to think that.
You're my dad.
Honey, did I ever tell you
the story of The Ugly Duckling?
Right, good story.
Yeah, tell her
The Ugly Duckling story.
Ugly? You guys
think I'm ugly?
I just thought
I wasn't pretty, now I'm ugly.
- Deej.
- 'D.J.'
We don't think
you're ugly.
Yeah. It's the duck
that's ugly.
And the duck turns
into a beautiful swan.
I don't believe it.
You guys told her
the story of The Ugly Duckling?
Yeah.
You never tell that story
unless it's about
some other kid.
Would you try talking to her?
Maybe D.J. needs
a woman to talk to.
We should have told her
Hansel and Gretel.
That's for kids
in the woods, ding-dong.
- D.J.?
- Oh, good. My room's open.
D.J.? It's just Becky. Do you
wanna come out so we can talk?
Forgot my stuff.
Come on, sweetheart,
let's go in your room.
[knocks on door]
Sorry, Mr. Bear.
You've had a rough night.
Becky, there's nothing
to talk about.
I'm ugly, boys don't
like me and that's it.
D.J., that's not true.
You happen to be
a very pretty girl.
But I know how you feel.
When I was
in the seventh grade
I had the biggest crush
on Sven Anderson.
[clicks tongue]
But he liked blonds.
So I got
a big bottle of peroxide.
Did it work?
[scoffs]
It turned my hair orange.
I looked like Howdy Doody
in a miniskirt.
Howdy who?
Anyway, my mother said
"Don't you worry
about what a boyfriend
"or anybody else
thinks of you.
You just be the best
Becky you can be."
Then she made me stand there
and list all my good points.
You're not gonna
make me do that, are you?
Yes, I am.
Now, go on, try it.
[clicks tongue]
Well..
...I'm pretty good at school.
I have a lot of friends.
I have a purple belt in karate.
I'm nice to animals.
I have great hair.
[laughing]
You see?
You know what?
Those are just a few of
the wonderful things about you.
Deej, that boy blew it.
You are the best.
Thanks, Becky.
You're welcome.
Do you think I'll ever
have another boyfriend?
Oh, you'll have
lots of boyfriends.
And some will break your heart
and if I'm not mistaken
you'll probably break
a few hearts yourself.
It'll be great.
And then someday
when you least expect it
you'll meet that
one special guy.
And before you know it..
...you'll be paying $1700
to go out on a date with him.
I don't understand.
[scoffs]
Neither do I.
But you're feeling better?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Good.
Becky?
Would it be alright if I called
you sometime to talk?
About girl stuff?
Any time you want.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
You go on,
I'll handle this.
[whistling]
- Is D.J. okay?
- Yeah, she's feeling better.
She just needed
a little girl talk.
- Thanks for the help.
- You're welcome.
I'll just run up
and say goodnight to her.
They should put a warning label
on that Ugly Duckling story.
Some hot chocolate, Beck?
Sure. Jess, we have to talk.
I know.
Look, I'm not gonna
hold you to this date thing.
I mean, I know I've
asked you out a few times
actually several times
and you've made it quite clear
your career comes first.
- You just wanna be friends--
- Jesse, I know--
No, I know exactly
what happened.
You got caught up
in the excitement.
Everybody bidding
and you had money--
Jesse...to be honest..
Oh, boy.
Tonight, when Crystal was about
to win that date with you..
...something happened to me.
I was a..
A little jealous?
I wanted to claw her eyes out.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
[chuckles]
Jesse, I know
what I said before
but I think
maybe now we should go out.
I mean, who knows, maybe this
could turn into something.
Or maybe it won't
or maybe it already has, or..
Maybe you
should just shut me up.
Okay.
Okay, come on.
Have mercy.
[instrumental music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
[theme music]