[instrumental music]
- Car broken.
- Car broken?
Uh-oh.
Well, let's check it out.
See what we got here.
Uh-uh-uh.
Yeah, it's broken alright.
Okay, we'll
this is loose, we'll..
We'll tighten that up.
And this needs a little oil.
Pop, pop, pop.
Okay. We'll try it again.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Vroom!
Wait a minute, lady,
you forgot to pay your bill.
Sorry.
Here's your change. Mwah.
Vroom!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aaahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evening TV ♪
♪ Ah aahhh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lot out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Alright, boy, let's try that
"Pounds Away Diet Center" jingle
one more time, but this time
I got a little addition.
Okay? Here we go.
Everybody got their parts?
One, two..
Buckle my shoe.
No, Michelle.
Like we practiced, okay?
When I point to you,
you do your part. Got it, babe?
Got it, dude.
- Here we go. One, two..
- One, two, three.
♪ Well she got
her daddy's car ♪
♪ And she cruise up by
the hamburger stand now ♪
♪ She loses weight now
she look really great ♪
♪ She threw away the milkshake ♪
♪ And the donuts
that she had in her hand ♪
♪ She loses weight now
she look really great ♪
♪ And when she
looked in the mirror she drove ♪
♪ To Pounds Away
as fast as she can now ♪
♪ She loses weight now
she look really great ♪
♪ She will lose ♪
♪ Tons tons tons
if she signs up today ♪
♪ At Pounds Away ♪
♪ Tons tons tons
if she signs up today ♪
♪ At Pounds Away ♪
♪ You won't be fat no more ♪
♪ Bye bye fat ♪
♪ Sign up today
at Pounds Away ♪
♪ You won't be fat no more ♪
♪ Bye bye fat ♪
♪ Oo-ooh ♪
♪ Bye bye fat ♪
♪ Oo-ooh ♪
♪ Bye bye fat ♪♪
Yeah!
Alright!
Good job, fellas.
Work on your hair.
Well, Joseph,
you think that
motivates people
to go on a diet?
Hey, it works for me.
Let's go get some pizza.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Deej.
- How's school today?
- Great.
Listen, to my English homework.
All I have to do is observe a
member of my family for one day
and then write a report
about what they do.
Great, who're you gonna pick?
Someone who's interested
in nothing but fun and toys.
Must be Joey.
No, Michelle.
Michelle, do you mind
if I follow you around
and observe what you do all day?
Okay, come with me.
- Where're we going?
- My room, now!
Observation number one.
Subject has an attitude.
I'm home! I got kept
back from school.
I had to sit at my desk with
my head down and the lights off.
And I wasn't allowed to
say a word for 15 minutes.
That's a new record for me.
See you boys.
- Stephanie.
- Come back here, young lady.
Steph.
Why were you kept after school?
Well, some kids were calling
Walter Birman a Duckface.
Hold it.
Were you one of these some kids?
It wasn't only me.
It was the whole class.
That's no excuse, young lady.
Well, if you saw Walter,
you'd call him a Duckface too.
He's always
making these duck lips.
Kid sounds like a quack up.
You should've seen it.
The whole class was going..
"Quack, quack, quack, quack
quack, quack, quack, quack."
Well, you had to be there.
Stephanie, let me
tell you a little story
about your Uncle Jesse.
When I was a kid,
everybody used to tease me.
They called me Zorba the Geek.
[laughing]
Zorba the Geek.
Ha ha ha.
Kids can be so cruel.
Uncle Jesse, you were a geek?
Now, let me tell you
something, the day I turned
13 my body flipped out.
My nose outgrew my face,
my ears outgrew my nose.
I was your basic
Mr. Potato Head.
So before you
were a stud, you were a spud.
I'm not helping, am I?
Listen to your Uncle Jess.
Steph, the point
I'm trying to make is
that those kids
really hurt my feelings.
So I know how Walter feels, and
I think it would be a good idea
if you called and apologized.
Me? Call Duckface?
Yes, you call duckfa..
Walter.
Hi, everybody.
Daddy, I'm so happy to see you!
[chuckles]
Aww.
Dorothy was right.
"There's no place like home."
Just because I teased Duckface
at school Uncle Jesse's
making me call him.
Honey, you know it's wrong
to hurt someone's feelings.
I think your Uncle Jesse's
handling this just right.
Okay, I'll call Walter
and tell him I'm sorry.
Then I'll invite him over for
some soup and quack-ers. Ha!
[laughs]
I kill myself!
(both)
Stephanie.
I'm sorry, I had to
get it out of my system.
I'm gonna go track down
Duckface..
Walter's phone number.
Hey, Danny, what's goin' on?
Oh, lots of stuff.
Becky's out of town
tomorrow and I need
somebody to co-host my show.
You got any ideas?
Yeah, me!
This works out perfect, I'm
headlining at the Laugh Machine
this weekend,
I could use the publicity.
Let me help you
with that jacket.
Yeah, well.
I was kinda leaning
towards that tall pretty blonde
who does the evening news.
He's awful.
Danny, you need someone
who knows you as well
as you know yourself.
Like someone
who lives in your house
and helps you
raise your kids, hmm?
You thinking what I'm thinking?
There's only one logical choice.
Yeah, but you think
Jesse could do it?
Easy, easy, Joey, I was
just havin' fun with you.
I talked to everybody,
I set it up, you got the job.
- I did?
- Yeah.
Great! Yes!
You know, you should've
kept me going.
You were this close
to gettin' your car waxed.
Hello.
Hi!
Goodbye.
Wait, wait, wait.
Slow down, Michelle.
Observing you is
supposed to be easy.
So far..
You've played with
all your animals
and then you flushed
every toilet in the house.
Why don't we take a nap?
Okay, nap time.
Bless you.
Nap over!
I feel refreshed.
Whoa.
How's your report going, Deej?
The question is,
where is my report going?
Alright, come on, Steph
it's time to call Walter
and apologize.
I can't talk.
I lost my voice!
Oh, well then we're just
gonna have to go over to
Walter's house
and apologize in person.
My voice is back.
It's a miracle.
Hallelujah!
Alright, Stepho,
trust me on this one.
You'll feel good,
Walter will feel good and..
...I'll feel good
because I thought of the idea.
Hold on one second.
Here you go.
Walter, this is
Stephanie Tanner.
And I'm really sorry.
Well, nice talkin' to ya.
Don't you think you should
mention what you're sorry for?
I'm sorry I quacked at you.
And?
And I called you Duckface
and threw little pieces
of bread at you.
You threw pieces
of bread at the kid?
Steph, he's not a real duck.
Tell him he's a very nice boy.
Walter, you're a very nice boy.
You're welcome.
Anything else?
Is there anything else
that you'd like to say?
- Yes, there is.
- Good girl.
Wanna say hi to my Uncle Jesse?
- No, Steph, no, no.
- Here he is.
Hi, Walter.
How are ya? Stephanie..
Oh, you have a snake,
that's great. Stephanie!
Really? He ate a mouse?
Mm, that's good eatin'.
[instrumental music]
Joey, let's go!
We're gonna be late!
Danny, what is the big rush?
Joey, you know I always leave
the house at exactly 7:48.
Now thanks to you,
I'm already two minutes late.
What are you talking about?
We are right on time.
Joey.
That's a barometer.
Well, in that case,
we'd better get moving
there's a hurricane brewing.
[doorbell rings]
I'll get it.
Hi, can I help you?
Good morning.
Stephanie Tanner here?
Come on in.
Stephanie, your friend's here.
My name is Walter F. Birman.
My name is Joseph A. Gladstone.
And I'm Daniel E. Tanner.
Nice to meet you fine gentlemen.
Well, come on in. You kids
have a good day at school.
See you later, Steph.
- Walter?
- Hi, Stephanie.
What are you doing here?
Walking through my living room?
Sitting on my couch?
I wanted to thank you in person
for calling me
yesterday to apologize.
Well, it was just
something I had to do.
So you really think
I'm a very nice boy?
Uh..
Yeah.
This is marvelous!
I never thought
I'd have a friend
and now I have a girlfriend!
You do? Who?
- You!
- Me?
Walter plus Stephanie
equals true love.
Forever.
Forever?
Walter.
About this girlfriend thing.
It's exciting, isn't it?
I can't wait to
tell the whole second grade
that you're my girlfriend.
Ah, man.
I feel four feet tall.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
You can't tell anyone
I'm your girlfriend.
Oh, I get it.
So you want it to be a secret?
Uh. Yeah. Top secret.
Ooh.
A secret girlfriend.
What does that mean?
Well, it means we'll
never talk to each other.
We'll never look at each other.
We'll never hold hands.
We'll be total strangers.
Okay. But you're still my--
Shh!
Secret girlfriend.
Well, I guess
I won't talk to you later.
You know what I'm doing now?
I'm afraid to ask.
I'm giving you a secret kiss.
In my mind.
Eeww!
Michelle, give me my paper back
so I can write down
that you stole it.
My paper.
Michelle, come..
Ow! Ow. Ugh.
Ow.
I sorry.
That's okay, Michelle.
D.J. got a boo-boo?
Yeah, I bumped my knee.
I'll make it better.
Thank you, Michelle.
All better?
All better.
Okay, more fun.
Have you seen your Uncle Jesse?
Check his room.
If I wasn't so steamed,
I would have thought of that.
May I come in? Thank you!
You made me call Duckface
and now he thinks
I'm his girlfriend.
He kissed me in his mind.
If this gets out at
school, I'm a dead duck.
Have a nice a nice day.
[instrumental music]
Ten seconds. Ten seconds.
Where the heck is Joey?
How can he be late?
I drove him here.
In four, three, two..
♪ Wake Up ♪♪
Wake Up, San Francisco.
I'm Danny Tanner
Rebecca Donaldson
is on assignment today
so filling in for her is
a man who needs no introduction.
Because...he's not here.
Ahh. Sorry, Danny,
this wasn't my fault.
The uh, donut guy was late.
Well, as you can see, we are
gonna have a lot of fun today.
Because my co-host this morning
is one of the hottest young
comics on the local scene
and he's also one of
my closest personal friends
and that's not
just showbiz talk.
This is Joey Gladstone.
Oh, come on.
Cut. It. Out.
Danny, did you mention
that I'd be headlining
at the Laugh Machine
this weekend
with a special
late show on Saturday?
Probably not, since we've only
been on the air for 20 seconds.
Ten of which you missed.
Great, now would be a wonderful
time to mention that
I'll be headlining at
the Laugh Machine this weekend.
With a special
late show on Saturday.
Cut. It. Out.
Well, Joey, it's time
to bring out our first guest.
He's the author of this book,
"Hug your way to happiness"
and he is my personal hero.
Please welcome hug therapist,
Dr. Reuben Weinager.
Aaahhh.
There's a lot
of love on this set.
Doctor.
Thank you, thank you.
You can tell so much
by the way people hug.
And I feel
something's wrong here.
Either one of you feeling
hurt or suppressing any anger?
Well, to be honest,
there are some things
I'd like him to take seriously.
For instance, punctuality.
Life's a little too short
to be ruled by a clock.
How would you know that?
You tell time on a barometer.
I'd rather be
a free spirit than a guy
who polishes his shoe trees.
Hey, I don't
polish them, I wax them.
Well, they're wooden. You have
to protect your shoe trees.
From what? A woodpecker
gettin' loose in your closet?
Come on, Danny.
I don't believe you.
Joey, there's no reason to
stand up. We're on television.
Well, then
the people at home
should know
how neurotic you are.
I'm not neurotic.
- Boys!
- I'm not.
Did you read my book?
"Hug Your Way To Happiness?"
Now hug!
Come on, hug!
Come on.
Now say something nice
to each other.
I think it's great
that you recycle.
I think it's great that
you'll be at the Laugh Machine
all this weekend.
With a special
late show on Saturday.
Are you having a nice time,
young lady?
This happens to be my sandwich
and this is your sandwich.
- Capisce?
- Capisce.
Hi, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey, Michelle, guess what?
I read my report about you
in class and I got an A.
Mini five!
(Jesse)
'Haha, alright.'
So it was a good idea,
using the baby, huh?
I'm not a baby, I'm a big girl.
Ooh, a big girl.
Excuse me, Miss Tanner.
She's right, Uncle Jesse.
You know Michelle I'm really
glad I got to hang out with you.
I mean we haven't spent
much time together since
I started junior high.
So?
So, you're like
a little person now.
You're sensitive,
compassionate..
...and you're actually
smarter than most dogs.
But you still gross me out.
- Hey, Steph.
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Steph.
How was school today?
Oh. Just dandy.
Walter still thinks that
I'm his secret girlfriend.
He was giving me kisses
in his mind all day.
Steph, I'm sorry but..
...apologizing to Walter
was the right thing to to.
If it was the right thing,
how come my life is a mess?
Well, just because
you do the right thing
doesn't mean your
life's gonna be perfect.
You do the right thing because
it's the right thing to do.
You understand?
So now if Walter thinks
that you're girlfriend
you just tell him that
you guys are just friends
but tell him nicely,
no duck jokes.
No more advice, please?
I thought grown-ups were
supposed to get you
out of trouble,
not get you into it.
[doorbell rings]
Those are my friends. They're
here to work on our bug project.
Excuse me.
Steph. When you guys are
done, you come up to my room.
You and I are gonna
have a little chat, okay?
(Stephanie)
'Okay.'
- Walter.
- Good afternoon, Stephanie.
This is supposed to be a secret.
No one knows I'm here.
Except my mom.
And I told her
it was strictly business.
Here.
Thank you.
They're very pretty.
But I've got a
lot of homework to do.
So thank you, goodnight,
and good luck.
Oh! It's Duckface!
You dumped me for Duckface?
Mr. and Mrs. Duckface.
They're going to get
married and live in a pond!
We're not married!
Stephanie's just
my secret girlfriend!
Oh, Walter..
So it's true.
You are Mrs. Duckface.
[kids quacking]
Duckface! Duckface!
Stop it! Stop teasing me!
I'm not his secret girlfriend!
I'm not his
any kind of girlfriend.
Oh, yeah?
Then prove it.
Call him Duckface
and throw him out!
Quick, before I
walk out of your life forever.
No, I'm not gonna
call him Duckface.
- Oh, so he is your boyfriend.
- 'Yeah.'
He's not my boyfriend!
But he is my friend.
I am? I'm your secret friend?
No, Walter. You're my
everybody-can-know friend.
And if you were my friends,
you wouldn't tease him either.
Why not? It's fun!
Oh, yeah?
Was it fun
when you got hurt during recess
and everyone
called you Cryin' Bryan?
I wouldn't laugh, Harry.
Remember when you
got that bad haircut?
Everyone called
you Salad Bowl Head?
What's so funny, Miss Milk
Through Her Nose On Parents Day?
- Twice?
- Hey!
It doesn't feel so great
to be teased, does it?
(in unison)
No.
Walter, will you stay
and be part of our group?
I'd enjoy that!
And thanks for
sticking up for me.
Sometimes you have to do
the right thing.
- Right group?
- Yeah.
Good answer.
I'll be right back.
Really? Yeah.
(Jesse)
'Yeah. At tea.'
Uncle Jesse, can I talk to you?
Oh, hi, Steph, how you..
Uh, hol..
Bye bye. Thank you.
Yeah, sure, pal.
Hey, how'd it go downstairs.
Great.
How'd it go
watching us from upstairs?
Ya caught me, didn't you?
Yeah. Uncle Jesse.
I have something to tell you.
You were right.
Feels terrible being teased.
Are we still friends?
Oh, Stephanie, of course
we're still friends.
Why wouldn't we
still be friends?
Because I got so mad at you.
I was never gonna
trust you again.
Stephanie Tanner, you can
always trust your Uncle Jesse.
Now, I may not do
everything you like
and I may even make
mistakes once in a while
but, I'm always gonna
be on your side.
I just...I just
want you to grow up
and be the best
little person you can be.
Let me tell you
something, right then?
You're about as
good as it gets, kid.
When I grow up, I want to be
gonna be just like you.
But wear dresses.
Mm. Now that's a hug!
And if anyone ever calls
you Zorba the Geek again
you just tell 'em
to see Mrs. Duckface.
Duck kiss.
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪♪
[theme music]