[instrumental music]
Okay, Michelle,
I'm gonna teach you a song.
It's a little before your time
but it's extremely hip, okay?
It goes like this. One, two..
- How do you do that?
- Oh, you mean snap my fingers?
Oh, well, I-I use
my middle finger
my thumb, and I put
'em together and go like that.
It's very, very cool but
it's kind of
a grown-up thing, you know.
I mean, when I was your age
I could barely walk,
let alone snap.
[snaps fingers]
I'm cool.
Show off.
Okay, Michelle.
Let's do it, baby.
Let's swing. Let it fly.
Here we go. Here we go.
♪ Oh that shark babe
has pretty teeth dear ♪
Take it, Michelle!
♪ Jingle bell ♪
♪ Jingle bell
jingle bell ♪
No, no, no, Michelle, now if
you're gonna sing it, baby
you got to swing it, ready?
♪ Jingle bell jingle bell ♪
Shake your tooshie.
♪ Jingle bell jingle bell ♪♪
[Jesse Frederick singing
"Everywhere You Look"]
♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ What ever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a place ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪
♪ Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Okay, boys,
what do you wanna play?
I've got dolls.
I've got the dream house.
We could play dress up,
maybe do a fashion makeover.
(together)
Yuck.
Let's play guns.
[imitating gun firing]
Walter, Jimmy, please.
Why are you men always fighting?
Actually, I'm a lover,
not a fighter.
Let's play guns. Bam.
- Bam.
Bam, bam, bam, bam.
You can't hurt me.
This thing is bulletproof.
Bam, bam.
'Bam bam bam.'
Freeze, dweebs.
Stephanie, what's rule
number one in this room?
Never touch your stuff.
Little sisters, what a pain.
Yeah, I'm glad my parents
stopped having kids after me.
Gee, I wonder why.
Okay, it's time for all
puppet people to leave the room.
Let's go. We have very important
things to discuss.
So do we, Deej, we have
to discuss what our costumes
are gonna be
for the Halloween carnival.
I'm gonna be Batman
or Wonder Woman or Connie Chung.
You're not going
to that kiddie carnival
at our old elementary school,
are you?
Monica, D.J.'s coming with us to
Kathy Santoni's Halloween party.
But, D.J., you promised me
you would go with me
to the Halloween carnival.
We go together every year.
Yes, and I'll always treasure
those memories.
I'm in junior high.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
Alright.
[sighs]
If you children don't mind
my friends and I
have very important things
to discuss that are
way over your head.
Like what?
- Like guys.
- Yeah.
We're gonna rate them on
the Gibbler scale of studliness.
Well, you can rate
all the guys you want.
But while you're
talking about it..
...I'm living it.
Okay, Michelle,
I want you to zig right
zag left, go long
and I'll hit you.
Got it, dude.
Grr!
Okay, Michelle.
Hike me the ball
when I say, boo.
Bippity, boppity, boo.
- Now what?
- Catch.
- Now what?
- Run for a touchdown.
Michelle runs through the
defense and scores! Touchdown!
'Spike it.'
Yeah. Okay, do
the Michelle shuffle.
- Grr!
[growling]
Underwear a little tight, boys?
Hey, man, we were playing
football with Michelle.
Oh, you two against Michelle?
My money's on the kid.
It so happens
I was a high jumper
on the high school track team.
And I got a letter
in football and basketball.
That's because
you were the school mascot.
Ollie, the Fighting Oyster.
You were Ollie,
the Fighting Oyster?
Okay, tough guy. What team
were you on in high school?
Come on, Beck,
let's get dinner started.
Oh-oh, wait a minute, Jess.
- What team were you on?
- Oh, he wasn't on a team.
- I was too. I was on a team.
- Jess.
- Sort of.
- Jess.
[stammering]
Okay, but it was like..
It was a group thing.
Jesse?
Okay, I was in
the Glee Club, you happy?
[laughing]
Sorry.
Hey, I could take you chumps
in any sport, anytime.
- Right.
- Sing me to death.
Hey, come on, think about it.
Look at the facts.
Thirty something,
twenty something.
Hard body. Lard body.
Alright, Mr. Universe.
I challenge you to..
...some kind
of manly athletic event.
- You're on.
- Count me in.
Okay, I have a great idea.
How about a race?
Perfect. Tomorrow at
the track, 8 a.m.
A quarter-mile
for all the glory.
- I'll be there.
I will definitely be there.
(together)
Dad! Dad!
- Your friends have to leave.
- 'No! Yours.'
(D.J.)
'Yes, they do.'
Dad, tell Stephanie her friends
have to get out of my room.
Tell, D.J. and her friends, they
have to get out of my room.
- You get out. I'm older.
- I'm younger.
- I'm taller.
- I'm shorter.
- I'm smarter.
- I'm..
...not falling for that.
Girls, cool it.
I want you both
to apologize
and give each other
a hug right now.
But, dad, D.J.
promised she would go
with me to
the Halloween carnival.
- I never promised!
- You said you'd go!
- So I changed my mind.
- You can't do that.
- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
That's enough!
Okay, look, I'm sorry,
but I want all of your friends
to leave and I want you both
up in your room right now.
No music, no phone,
no television.
And you're not coming out
until you learn to get along.
You understand?
(together)
Yes, dad.
- You're in trouble.
- No.
And I don't wanna hear
anymore arguing.
(together)
It's all your fault.
[instrumental music]
Yes. You snails don't stand
a chance tomorrow.
Why, 'cause you took
one jog around the block?
Actually, I haven't run yet.
I'm just really excited
I found my stopwatch.
All I need to win that race
is a Tanner health shake
and you wimps
as my competition.
Pretty tough talk coming
from the cover boy
to Geek Illustrated.
Geek Illustrated.
I say we put a bet on this race.
Bet? You got it, pal.
You name it, and I'll claim it.
Okay, you puny girlie-men.
Hear me now,
think about it later.
Tomorrow is the school
Halloween carnival.
I say that the losers
have to wear
whatever costumes
that the winner picks.
So, Mr. Bear,
when do you think
D.J. will come
to her senses and apologize?
When that bear
answers you out loud.
On behalf of Mr. Bear, how rude.
[glugging]
Must you glug your milk?
Does it bother you?
- Yes.
- Then, I must.
[glugging]
Look, I cannot
take this anymore.
Let's just pretend to make up,
and then dad will be happy.
- Great idea.
- Let me do the talking.
I'm smarter than you.
If you were so smart,
you would've
thought of this
three hours ago.
[knock on the door]
(Danny)
'Can I come in, girls?'
Just a minute.
Get over here
and start laughing.
Oh, sure. Come in, dad.
Oh, now this sounds better.
You two have a little talk?
Yeah, we decided
to chill-out and get along.
Right.
Did you, uh, hug yet?
We were saving that for you.
- Come here, little sis.
- I'm coming, big sis.
Aw! Thanks for waiting.
Okay, your punishment's over.
I'm off to the gym to get
pumped for the big race.
See you later, girls.
- Bye, dad.
(together)
Ew!
Well, thank goodness I have
another sister, a good sister.
- So go live with her.
- Maybe I will.
Maybe I'll get
a divorce from you.
You wanna divorce?
You got it.
Fine. Then I'll go tell Michelle
I'm moving in with her.
And I'll go call Kimmy
and tell her I have my own room.
Not so fast.
Half of everything
in this room is mine.
[instrumental music]
In my old room,
D.J. was the big sister.
But in this room,
I'm the big sister.
So there are only two words
you need to know.
Okay, boss.
Ooh, this is gonna be so sweet.
Just came in to say
"Good Golly, Miss Molly"
what's your bed doing in here?
I decided it was time
for D.J. to have her own room.
Yeah, I don't know how much
she paid you but you give
her that money back, right now.
It was my idea.
Alright, well,
it's fine with me.
But I'm gonna have a little chat
with your dad when he gets home.
Goodnight. Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Uncle Jesse.
- Now you girls get some sleep.
- Okay, boss.
- What? I'm the boss?
She's the boss.
Where do these kids
get this stuff?
Go to sleep, munchkins.
Goodnight, boss.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
I see you're not missing
Stephanie too badly.
Stephanie who?
Michelle, did you just
hit me on the head?
Who, me?
Go back to sleep.
I'm the boss.
I'm the boss, I'm the boss,
I'm the boss.
I'm in trouble.
I'm the boss, I'm the boss.
[instrumental music]
Out goes the bad air,
in comes the good.
Out goes the bad air,
in comes the good.
Joey, you want a jellyroll?
Scratch that,
you already got one.
Hi, guys.
Becky, what's our
crew doin' here?
Well, Danny, I know how
you love my little surprises.
I never love
your little surprises.
- Roll tape.
- 'Rolling.'
Okay, all you lucky viewers
of "Wake Up, San Francisco"
we have a special
treat for you
a rare glimpse
into the athletic
macho-jock side
of Danny Tanner.
I'm just running
a friendly little race
here with my buddies,
it's-it's just
once around the track
and it's not worth
getting a whole segment
on our show with this.
Oh, I think it is.
Okay, get that camera
car into position.
Camera car?
Gentlemen, to the starting line.
Let's do it, boys.
This is it. This is it.
- I got this.
- Wait.
Look, uh, guys,
you gotta let me win.
- I can't lose on my own show.
- I can't let you win.
Remember, the winners gets to
make the losers wear costumes
to Stephanie's
Halloween carnival.
I already got yours picked out.
Big Bird, meet Snuffleupagus.
- On your mark..
- Here we go.
Get set..
...go!
And they're off.
Danny is off
to a lightning start.
Boy, if he continues
at this pace
he could break
the world record.
'He's movin'. He's movin'.'
- Peep peep.
- What are you doing here?
I gotta win this race.
Then I suggest you
run faster than us.
Oh, now he looks like
the Danny Tanner I know.
[breathing heavily]
You guys...aren't
getting...tired, are you?
- No, not at all.
- Not me.
Me either.
For those of you at home
who think you're watching
a slow-motion replay
do not be fooled.
They are actually
moving at this speed.
Guys, let's all cross
the finish line together.
That way, everybody saves face.
Fine with me.
To stop this pain in my side,
I'm all for it.
They're neck and neck and neck.
Come on, you turtles!
That's my girlfriend
calling me a turtle.
- Sorry, Danny.
- I'm not losing this bet.
I already rented costumes.
It's my show.
I gotta win.
Hey, it looks like
we've got a race!
And here they come.
It's gonna be a photo finish.
[panting]
Gentlemen, any comments?
[breathing heavily]
I think what they're
trying to say is
We should've run
a shorter race.
Oh, and here comes the picture.
And the winner is..
'...Danny Tanner by a nose!'
Danny, to what do you attribute
that last surge of power?
Fear of public humiliation.
And to my worthy opponents,
all I can say now is
trick or treat, boys!
That's a wrap.
And a nap.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hey, Deej.
- Hey, what happened?
- I won the race.
- Alright!
Well, not all of him won.
Just his nose.
What a night?
You look trashed.
That's because
living with Michelle
is a nightmare
on Sesame Street.
Dad, I want my room back.
[clicks tongue]
No way. It was
so wonderful waking up
to the birds chirping instead
of you blowing your nose.
Whoa, girls, what happened
to that beautiful hug
I saw last night?
It was a fake hug.
A fake hug? In my house?
It was D.J.'s idea.
You little weasel.
- I want my room back.
- So take me to court.
I will! I'll take you
to People's Court.
Wait a minute.
We don't need Judge Wapner.
We have Judge Tanner.
Now here's an idea.
We'll have our own court
right here in our living room
to decide who
is living with who.
Great, and Joey and I
will be the lawyers.
That is a great idea.
The court appoint Mr. Katsopolis
to represent Stephanie
and Mr. Gladstone
to represent D.J.
'I expect you to tell
the whole truth.'
Alright, court
is now in session.
Defense, please call
your first witness.
Your Honor, I call
Donna Jo Tanner
to the stand, please.
Donna Jo, please
tell the court why
you no longer wish
to share your room
with your perky
little sister.
Objection, Your Honor.
Please instruct counsel not to
characterize the plaintiff.
- How do you know all that junk?
- I love those lawyer shows.
D.J., please tell the court what
your problem is with Stephanie.
It's simple. She's in elementary
school, I'm in junior high.
We have nothing in common.
And I really need my privacy
to make phone calls
to put on makeup.
But every time I turn around,
there she is.
There must be five
or six of her.
Thank you, Donna Jo.
Your witness, counsel.
Ms. Tanner, you have
just stated on the record
that you have nothing
in common with my client.
But isn't it true
that Wednesday last
you were found playing Barbie
dolls with young Stephanie?
Well, there's nothing else
to do. I-it was raining and--
No further questions,
Your Honor.
I'd like to call
Stephanie Judith Tanner
to the stand.
I can't live with Michelle.
I'll go nuts.
- Please wait for the question.
- Sorry.
So why can't you
live with Michelle?
- I'll go nuts!
- No further questions.
I have a question. Why did you
move out in the first place?
Because I can't live with D.J.
at least not this D.J.
I miss the old D.J.,
the one who used to like me.
Steph..
...it's not that
I don't like you.
It's just that
I'd like you better
if you were in a different room.
Well, that is just
not gonna happen.
Michelle is still very young
and I don't want her to have
a roommate right now.
Stephanie..
...you have to realize that
D.J. is becoming a young woman.
Things aren't gonna be exactly
the way they were.
- You have to understand that.
- Okay.
And D.J.,
you have to understand
that Stephanie is still
gonna be your roommate.
So you have to find some way
to get along with her.
[clicks tongue]
Okay.
Girls, I-I realize this
five-year age difference
seems like a lot now,
but before you know it
it won't mean a thing.
You know, some day, girls,
you're gonna realize
just how lucky you are
to have one another.
Okay, let's move Stephanie's
stuff back into her room.
- Let's go.
- Can't we play more lawyer?
[instrumental music]
So, Mr. Bear,
do you think anyone else
will be dressed
as Batman this year?
Ha ha ha.
Boy, I'm gonna get tired
of doing this laugh all night.
Well, have fun at your party.
Why are you moping around?
You love the carnival.
Yeah, but it's gonna be
my first carnival without you.
I don't get it.
Why do you wanna hang out
with me so much?
Well, the truth is
I like to hang out
with you because
I wanna be just like you.
You're smart and pretty
and really cool.
Wouldn't you wanna
hang out with you?
Can't argue with any of that.
I guess some times
I like hanging out with you too.
Really? How come?
Well, you're a little nutty,
but you always make me laugh
and you have definite
cool potential.
Tell you what, I'll go to that
Halloween carnival with you
and I'll go
to my party later.
Really? Oh, thanks, D.J.
Hold that hug.
[sighs]
I don't want a roommate.
But, since I have to have one..
...I guess I couldn't
think of anyone better than you.
Wow!
Two nice things in a row!
- Now?
- Now.
Aw!
Batman hugging The Joker.
Now, this is how the movie
should have ended.
Meow!
Ah, Michelle!
You are the cutest kitten
in town.
Guys, come on in,
we don't wanna be late
for the kids'
Halloween carnival.
(Jesse)
'Oh, yes, we do!'
Yuk it up all you want, Danny.
There's one thing
we forgot to tell you.
We're your dates.
♪ On the good ship lollipop ♪
♪ It's a sweet trip
to a candy shop ♪♪
♪ Ahh ahh ahh ahh ♪♪
[theme music]