[theme music]
Michelle, you are gonna
look so pretty for grandma.
I really hope so.
Well, don't worry. We're gonna
make you look like a movie star.
Go take a look.
(D.J.)
'What do you think?'
No good. I look like me.
Doing her hair was so much
easier when she was a baby.
I know. She was bald.
Now I'm a movie star.
Let's go see grandma.
Right behind you, Zsa Zsa.
[instrumental music]
[theme song]
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Well, Cynthia, it sounds
like this year's
Festival of Cultural Arts
is gonna be the best yet.
Well, we certainly hope so.
We'll have opera, ballet
and plenty of free parking.
[laughs]
Oh, how can it miss with someone
like Cynthia Ryan in charge?
Just look how
she's put together.
Excuse me?
Oh, I mean,
you put together this
fabulous Festival of Culture.
[chuckles]
Not that you're
not put together
because you are definitely..
...Rebecca, tell me
we're out of time.
Mm, you're in luck.
We're outta time.
Great, well, I would like to
thank our guest, Cynthia Ry--
- Oh!
- Gosh, I'm so sorry.
I just, I was
uncrossing my legs. I'm sorry.
Well, while Danny
blots our guest
I'd just like to say,
I'm Rebecca Donaldson.
And I'm a total disgrace.
We'll see you Monday.
Right here on
"Wake Up, San Francisco."
♪ Wake up ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Hey, Beck. I fixed your car.
I changed the oil,
I changed the filter
and I changed
the stations on the radio.
You had two of 'em
set to the news.
Well, Danny, Rebecca,
thanks for the plug.
I'll see you Monday
night at the party.
- Okay.
- Uh, Cynthia, here's an idea.
Um, why don't, uh, we go to
the party together as a couple?
Not a serious couple,
just you know
a couple of people
going to a party.
That sounds great.
What's the story
with this party?
Oh, you're invited too.
It's a kick off of
The Festival of Cultural Arts.
It'll be great,
it's gonna be an evening of
Tennyson, Mozart, Shakespeare.
Ah, Beck, you know me,
I-I don't like sitting around
chitchatting about
a bunch of dead guys.
Elvis is a dead guy.
That's never been proven.
Come on, Jesse, it'll be fun.
You can meet my old English
professor, Dr. Eric Trent.
He's fascinating,
he can talk about
Elizabethan poetry for hours.
They'll be scalping
tickets for that one.
You know, Jess, it wouldn't hurt
you to meet some people
who can talk about things
besides rock 'n' roll
and motorcycles.
Ah, that's all
you think I know about?
That's not what I said.
No, that's what
you meant, young lady.
Let me tell you somethin',
I may've little grease under
my finger nails
but I can hold my own
with any of those
artsy smartsy dudes.
Great, then you'll
come to the party.
You need a tuxedo and, uh
you might wanna start
washing up now.
Oh, come on!
Like this.
[instrumental music]
[Joey whistling]
Hey, Joey, what's for dinner?
[speaking in Italian accent]
Thin strands of pasta
with petite spheres of beef
in a light tomato sauce.
- Spaghetti again?
Mm, "basketti."
No, Michelle,
that's "spaghetti."
That's what I said. Basketti.
Wanna play "Michellophone"?
What's that?
It's when you whisper stuff
in Michelle's ear and then laugh
when it comes
out her mouth, watch.
[whispering]
You got chicken legs.
[laughs]
Let me try that.
[whispering]
You're a cheese-head.
[no audio]
How rude!
Hi, Steph, hi, Michelle,
hi, D.J., hey, Joey.
Bye, Joey, bye, D.J.,
bye, Michelle, bye, Steph.
Uh, girls, I'll be right back.
You keep an eye
on the "basketti."
Jess, what're you doing
with all the books?
What?
Can't a man go to the library
and check out a classical
selection of literature
for a weekend
of good reading?
Who are you,
and what did you do with Jesse?
Ah, Joey, I got roped into this
cultural party
thing this weekend.
And, you know,
I never went to college
so I figured
I might as well bone up
so I won't look
like a bonehead.
Jess, this is great.
I'm very proud of you.
Pretty soon you're
gonna be smart. So.
♪ You will not
be just a nothin' ♪
♪ Your head all full of stuffin'
your heart all full of pain ♪
[whistling]
♪ With the thoughts
you'll be thinkin' ♪
♪ You could be another Lincoln ♪
♪ If you only had a brain ♪♪
I'll get you,
and your little dog too.
[instrumental music]
Cynthia, I'd like to introduce
you to my daughters.
- This is D.J.
- Hi! It's nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- That is Stephanie.
It's a pleasure
to make your acquaintance.
[laughs]
And this is my
littlest, Michelle.
Hi-ya, cheese-head.
- Cheese what?
- Cheese-head.
[chuckles]
Isn't that cute?
It's her very first insult.
Girls, you shouldn't teach this
kind of stuff to your sister.
Now when I get home
from this party tonight
I want my sweet little
Michelle back to normal, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, chicken legs.
- Bye.
Bye.
I'm sorry about that
cheese-head remark.
Actually, in Wisconsin,
cheese-head is a compliment.
[opera music on stereo]
Oh, what did she just sit on?
Please, turn it off.
Here. It's every penny I have.
Alright. Alright.
[Steph and D.J. sigh]
Becky's got me going
to this cultural party
and I wanna look smart, you
know, so I've been listening to
opera, and, you know,
studying art and..
...well, look at this,
I even put some posters up.
I've got Van Gogh,
Monet, "Sammet."
You read all
those books in two days?
Well, no, but I read these.
Plato, "The Republic."
Kafka, "The Metamorphosis"
and "Is That You, Big Guy?
Sightings of Elvis."
And how are you gonna read all
these books before the party?
Well, ur, I, see,
I have this figured out.
What we're gonna do here
is I'll just read the beginning
and ends of each book, right?
"A Tale of Two Cities."
"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."
"It is far,
far better rest that I go to
than I have ever known."
Whoa! Surprise ending.
Girls, I can't
go through with this.
I gotta think of one good excuse
not to go to this party.
One O two! Wow!
- I'll be okay.
- Jess.
You wouldn't
be trying to get out
of the party tonight, would you?
Oh, no, no, no, I'll go
to the party tonight
then I'll go
to the hospital tomorrow.
I know what you're saying.
"Jesse, don't be a hero.
Stay in bed and.."
Actually, I better
do that. I'll-I'll go to bed.
Could you point
me to my room? I'm a little..
[doorbell ringing]
Thanks a lot, Jess.
- Eric!
- Becca!
[whispering]
Becca?
Danny, Cynthia,
this is Dr. Eric Trent.
Eric was my favorite professor.
Ah, Rebecca
was my favorite student.
And Jesse's her favorite
boyfriend. Hi, that's me.
- Well, we should be going.
- I'll get your coat.
Right this way.
- Oh, this is a nice coat.
- Oh.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Eh...oh.
- Mm.
- No.
- Ha ha ha.
I'm terribly sorry.
Why don't I just throw it up
in the air and you run under it.
While I take care of the coat,
you can get the door.
Alright.
Goodnight, Jess.
Oh, I forgot. You're sick.
Feel better, sweetheart.
Eric, I will never forget
that seminar you gave
on the romantic poets.
You were inspiring.
Uh, well, I don't
remember the seminar
but I do remember you.
- Ha, ha, Jackie.
- Ha, ha, "Jesse," you..
I'm going to that party.
[instrumental music]
Alright, Joey,
you gotta help me.
'Cause I'm going to that
party, I don't wanna
look dumb in front of Becky.
It's gonna be
a roomful of champions
from "Jeopardy" and I'm
from "The Price is Right."
Relax, Jess. I'll help you out.
I did more in college than goof
off, chase girls and party.
I was in a fraternity too.
Now, let's start
with literature.
Greatest novel ever written?
You say, "I consider
it a toss up between
War and Peace and
Crime and Punishment."
Ooh, the thickest ones. Very
impressive. What else you got?
Well, if people are discussing
classic cinema, you say
"Citizen Kane is certainly
in a class by itself."
"Citizen Kane."
Oh, I saw that movie.
The, uh, fat dude
was in it, right?
Here's a little
intellectual hint.
Never refer to Mr. Welles
as "the fat dude."
Alright. Okay.
I'm feeling smarter already.
- What else you got?
- 'Shakespeare trivia.'
In all the original
stage productions
the women's parts were
actually played by men.
Oh, you mean like that weird
show we saw in Vegas?
You might wanna stay
away from Shakespeare.
Right. Alright,
Joey, I gotta go.
You sure all this stuff's gonna
get me through this party?
Well, if anything else comes up,
just take your glasses and say
"Interesting,
but terribly overrated."
Let me try that. Okay.
[inhales]
Mm.
Interesting,
but terribly overrated.
Congratulations, Jess.
You are now
a sophisticated intellectual.
- Yeah!
Whoo-whoo-whoo!
[soft classical music]
[indistinct chattering]
[laughing]
(male #1)
'"And in the end'
"Only the hunger..
'"The hunger'
The hungry, hungering..
...hunger."
[applause]
What are you doing?
You don't wanna know.
[music continues]
[indistinct conversation]
[clears throat]
Hello. Hi. How're you?
Nice to see you all.
Good evening. Hi. Evening.
Evening. Enchanted, hi.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see both of you.
Hi, Becky, how very nice
it is to see you. How're you?
Professor Trent.
Charmed, I'm sure.
[chuckles]
Jess, honey,
I thought you were sick.
Oh, the bacteria
hasn't been born
that can keep me away
from intellectual conversation.
- Pardon me.
- Oh, ah, my good man.
We were just
about to discuss the cinema.
- We were?
- Yes.
Wouldn't you say
that "Citizen Kane"
was the finest film ever made?
Absolutely.
May I check your overcoat, sir?
Speaking of literature,
wouldn't you say
the two finest books
ever written
...would happen
to be "Crime and War"
and "Peace and Punishment?"
[laughs]
What?
I think you
have transposed the titles
of "War and Peace"
and "Crime and Punishment."
Inadvertently.
No, you see,
you missed the joke.
I transposed them
quite "vertently."
- Jess, can I talk to you?
- Excuse me, gents.
What are you doing?
I'm chewing the fat
with your egghead buddies.
And let me tell
you something, they dig me.
Has anybody seen
the new Picasso exhibit
at the Museum of Modern Art?
Oh, I hardly doubt
it's worth the journey.
I find Picasso to be..
...interesting,
but terribly overrated.
You can't be serious.
Just consider
Picasso's blue period.
Yeah, well, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.
I just think he should
have used more colors.
Jesse, I'm curious, uh.
Where did you go to college?
Oh, yeah, I-I went
to college back East.
Way back East.
They're out of business now.
I can see why.
What's that supposed to mean?
Which word
didn't you understand?
I'll tell you which
word I didn't understand.
Excuse us, Eric.
Jesse, you are making
a fool of yourself.
Oh, and he's a genius?
You th...watch this.
Yo, brain wave.
What's the horsepower of
a Harley-Davidson Ultra 1340 cc?
Eighty-five.
Lucky guess.
Who wrote "Hound Dog"?
Leiber and Stoller.
- How tall is Sammy Davis, Jr.?
- Five-three.
- You wanna arm wrestle?
- Excuse me?
You wanna arm wrestle? You heard
me. Right here and now.
That seems a trifle absurd.
Why? Are you a trifle chicken?
Jesse Katsopolis,
you are not arm wrestling
at this party and that is final.
- Yes, I am.
- You're not.
Haven't you embarrassed yourself
enough for one evening?
The only guy who's gonna be
embarrassed is you, pal.
I can see you're
not going to let this go.
No, I'm not, blondie.
- Jesse.
- Hold this.
Yo!
- What's going on?
- Ah, oh, nothing.
Just the traditional arm wrestle
to kick off culture week.
Maybe later we can all
go down to the museum
for the big tractor pull.
Go!
[fast-paced violin music]
Get him, Jesse, get him.
I mean,
"How incredibly barbaric!"
[music continues]
Will you knock it off?
[violin music stops]
You're strong but
you don't know much
about the principle of leverage.
You see, my arm
acts as the lever
my elbow, the fulcrum, Jackie.
It's Jesse!
Mm!
- Yes!
- Alright!
[cheering]
[crowd cheering]
You see that? I beat him!
Congratulations.
You behaved like a total jerk.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm a jerk, huh?
- Oh, Jesse, please.
- Why don't you just admit it?
You think I'm stupid, don't you?
That makes absolutely no sense.
- Oh, so, now, I make no sense.
- No.
- Now you're being stupid.
- Let me tell you something.
You think you're
so hot with your
little stuffy friends
around here.
- These are nice people.
- Okay, fine, fine.
They're nice people, you stay
here with your nice people.
But let me tell you something,
you stay and you talk about art
you talk about culture,
you talk about Shakespeare.
Let me tell you something about
your pal Shakespeare, okay?
Anybody who makes men
dress up like women
that's where I draw the line!
Okay, Michelle,
let's try it again.
Now, tell Stephanie
she's a very sweet girl.
You're a cheese-head.
[laughs]
You're not laughing.
We shouldn't have taught
you to say mean things.
Because it can hurt
other people's feelings.
Tell you what,
before we go to bed
let's all say something
really nice to each other.
I'll go first.
- I love you, Michelle.
- I love you, D.J.
I love you too, Michelle.
I love you, Stephanie.
Aw, that's
my sweet little sister.
I love you, table.
- I love you, chair.
- That's really good, Michelle.
Now why don't you go
into your room
and tell all your furniture
that you love it
and we'll be right
there to tuck you in.
I love you, door.
I love you, Uncle Jesse.
Right back at you, kid.
Uncle Jesse, are you sad?
Yeah, I guess,
I'm a little sad, kid.
Mm. Thank you,
Michelle. I needed that.
[sighs]
Listen, don't grow
up and be stupid
like your Uncle Jesse, okay?
- Okay.
- I want you to be smart.
I want you to go to college.
I want you to learn everything
you can learn, alright?
Now, let me hear those ABCs
I taught you, okay? Ready? Go!
♪ A B C D E F G ♪
♪ H I J K N O N O P ♪
♪ Q R S T U V ♪
♪ W X Y and Z ♪
♪ Next time won't
you sing with me ♪♪
Yeah, next time
I'll sing with you.
You're very smart, Michelle.
You're smart too.
Hey, if I was so smart,
I wouldn't have blown it
with Becky and I,
you know what I mean?
I know.
[sighs]
I should straighten
this out with Becky.
- Right?
- Right.
I should tell her exactly
what's in my heart?
- Right.
I should, I should find
a special way to do it, right?
Right.
Thanks for the talk, Michelle.
I don't know
what I would've done
if you weren't home tonight.
- I love you, sweetheart.
- I love you, cheese-head.
Did she just call me
cheese-head?
[crickets chirping]
♪ Tell me how it feels ♪
♪ To know love is real ♪
♪ I still can't believe ♪
♪ My love for you is so strong ♪
♪ I belong to you ♪
[guitar strumming]
♪ I belong to you ♪
♪ For all time ♪
♪ I belong to you ♪♪
Oh, Jess, that was beautiful.
I wrote it for you tonight.
I loved it.
Oh, Becky.
Freeze, Romeo.
- About tonight.
- Was I that bad?
Jesse, you were arm wrestling
at the arts festival!
I'm surprised you
didn't yell "Food fight"
and start flinging the pate.
Well, I'm sorry
I embarrassed you.
It's just that there's
this whole other side
of your life that-that
I'm not part of.
Tonight I-I felt that
I wasn't good enough for you.
I can't compete
with all those smart people.
- It's not a competition.
- Yes, it is.
I'm afraid some guy
who wrote a book
or some guy who read a book
is gonna come
and sweep you off your feet.
I don't know
if I'm smart enough for you.
How can you say that?
Well, you know,
I never went to college.
So what?
Jesse, just because you missed
out on some formal education
doesn't mean
you're not intelligent.
Look at everything
you've accomplished on your own.
You're a success in advertising.
You wrote a beautiful love song
for me in one night
that touched my heart.
And your smartest move yet was
you picked me for
your girlfriend.
[laughs]
You know, when I was
cramming for this party, I..
...I read a few of
those books and they were
pretty good, you know.
Plato, a nice Greek kid.
I think maybe
I'll-I'll read some more
and...maybe you and I
can talk about it.
Okay, that's great, Jess.
Challenge yourself.
Enrich your life.
But do it for you, not for me.
You never have to be anyone
but the sweet,
caring, sensitive
lunatic I fell in love with.
[Becky chuckles]
I have no choice.
You leave me no choice.
Have mercy!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]