[instrumental music]
Okay, this is a very big moment
for you, Michelle.
It's your first message on
the family answering machine.
Now, all you have to do is say,
"Hello, leave a message
"and wait for the beep."
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
Okay, on your mark..
...get set, go!
Hi, people.
♪ Twinkle twinkle
little star ♪
♪ How I wonder what you are ♪♪
Please leave a message
after the beep.
Hey, that was my job.
[chuckles]
Okay, you can do the beep.
It's me again. Beep.
[chuckles]
Beep.
Beep. Beep.
[Jesse Frederick singing
"Everywhere you look"]
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get to livin' here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
that knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[guitar music]
Stop the music.
Uncle Jesse,
you gotta help me!
Why? What's the matter?
You have to help me practice
for my class picture.
Steph, it's a week away.
I know. But don't you
remember last year?
Right when the photographer
said cheese, I sneezed.
When the picture came out,
I was like..
[gasps]
Oh, yeah. Everybody
called you sneezeburger.
All year.
Alright, well, this year,
you're gonna flash
that picture-perfect smile,
alright?
Get over there.
Let's practice.
Are you having fun without me?
Well, I'll tell you what,
you stay right there
and I'll get right to you,
okay, young lady?
Alright, here we go.
Show me love. Oh, yes.
Let the wind blow through
your hair. Very nice.
Be happy. Be happier.
If I get any happier,
my cheeks are gonna pop.
There we go.
- My turn.
- 'Alright!'
Show me love.
Let me see your teeth.
Let me see. Put them together.
Alright. Let's see.
Here we go, Michelle.
Okay, here it comes.
Here you come.
Hey-hey. Hey, there you are.
I got a big mouth.
Look at this. I did not
deserve this traffic ticket.
Now my perfect
driving record's ruined.
Eh, just put it on mine.
No one will notice.
Jesse, don't do that.
This is government paper.
Now I have to iron it.
That right-turn-only sign
was hidden behind a big bush.
Dad's ticket is totally bogus.
And a humongous injustice.
I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna fight this thing.
And D.J., you're gonna be
my star witness in court.
Hey, can we do it on Wednesday?
'Cause there's a math test
I'd really like to miss.
- Hi, everybody.
- 'Hey.'
Oh, I love you, stretch.
Ha ha ha.
Thanks to Danny,
I have an on-the-air
tryout to be
the new Mr. Egghead.
- That's fantastic.
- Alright, great.
You're gonna be Mr. Egghead?
He's the smartest person
on television..
...next to Connie Chung.
Uh, Joey, Mr. Egghead has to
know everything about science.
Well, not that you don't
know everything about science.
Do you know anything
about science?
What's the difference is
Captain Kangaroo a real captain?
Hey, he's not even
a real kangaroo.
Besides, all I have
to do is be hip
and funny and follow the script.
And with Jesse as my sidekick,
how can I miss?
That's right,
with Jesse as his side..
Sidekick?
Two, one..
- Sidekick?
- Right on time.
Jess, I just wanna have
a-a hip, musical sidekick.
You know, like David Letterman
has Paul Shaffer.
Mr. Egghead
has The Professor!
- I don't do kiddie shows.
- Ah, Jess, come on.
It's just for the tryout.
Okay, fine, you don't
wanna be The Professor.
Just think of all those
little kids who will
have to learn science
without any music.
Yeah, and they'll be too sad
to play with their pets..
...and all their dogs and cats
will run away from home.
[sobs]
That is the stupidest story I've
ever heard in my whole life.
And besides, guilt
doesn't work on me.
Okay, then I'm just
gonna badger you
and pester you
until you say you'll do it.
Will you do it?
- Now, come on.
- Will you do it?
Will you do it?
Alright, I'll do it!
Alright, if it'll
make you happy.
[instrumental music]
Dad, don't you think that maybe
we're overdoing this blue thing?
D.J., it's been
psychologically proven..
...that judges
are more sympathetic
to people wearing blue.
That's why you never
see a Smurf on death row.
What a week.
Tomorrow's class picture day.
Friday is pizza day
in the cafeteria.
And today, my whole class
gets to see Joey
on the Mr. Egghead show.
I love my life.
This is so cool, I can't believe
someone I actually know is going
to have their very own TV show.
Uh, Steph, honey,
uh, I have my own TV show..
"Wake Up, San Francisco."
I know, but this is a show
that people I know watch.
See ya.
Come on, dad.
Let's practice for court.
Okay, now, D.J., the first thing
they're gonna do's swear you in.
Now, please place
your right hand on Fred Savage.
Anytime.
- What was that?
- Oh, nothing.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?
I Fred, I mean, I do.
Okay, Miss Tanner, now, please
step into the witness stand..
...and explain
to Judge Bear here
everything that happened
in every detail.
I will demonstrate with these
extremely easy-to-follow
visual aids.
Okay, Miss Tanner.
My dad and I were driving
north on Fremont..
And my dad was cleaning
between the buttons
on the car radio.
Uh, D.J., there's no need
to bring up that minor detail.
Dad, I can't lie to the judge.
Oh, I'm not asking you to lie.
If the judge asks you directly,
"D.J., was your father dusting
"between the buttons
on the radio?"
Then you can say yes.
Well, we came to a corner
and there was
a right-turn-only sign.
Except we couldn't see it,
because of a bush.
And now our big finish.
The face of truth
and innocence.
[instrumental music]
(Jesse)
'We're on the air
in three, two, one.'
♪ Oh hey there Mr. Egghead
you scientific dude ♪
♪ Whenever you're around
I'm in a scientific mood ♪
♪ You tell us
how the bird flies ♪
♪ Or how the fungus grows ♪
♪ The creation of the universe ♪
♪ Or how we blow our nose ♪
♪ Yes you know everything ♪
♪ Under the sun
thank you Mr. Egghead ♪
♪ For making learning fun ♪
♪ And now here he is ♪
♪ The man who knows everything ♪
♪ Mr. Egghead ♪♪
[cheering]
Egg-stremely kind of you.
Thank you, Professor.
Ain't no thing, Mr. Egghead.
Greetings, Junior Eggheads.
(together)
Greetings, Mr. Egghead.
Welcome to the new,
improved, "Mr. Egghead Show."
My special guests
in the egg carton today
are from Mrs. Hardesty's
second-grade class
at Fraser Street
Elementary School.
(all)
Hi!
Don't eggs-haust yourself
because now it's time for..
...ask Mr. Egghead!
Professor, let's find out
who has our first
scientific question.
(all)
Me! Me! Me!
Yes, the scholarly-looking
gentleman, three eggs in.
What happened
to the old Mr. Egghead?
Well, he's, uh, on vacation.
I read in the newspaper
that he didn't pay his taxes.
Well, he's on vacation
for three to five years.
And so ends
another fascinating segment
of ask Mr. Egghead.
And now it's time
to discuss our topic of the day.
- Energy.
- Alright.
[cheering]
How about a little
energy music, Professor?
Okay, Mr. Eggroll,
Egghead. Sorry.
[instrumental music]
Okay, you know what,
we're all wondering
what eggs-actly is energy?
Egg-cellent question, Professor.
Well, to put it
in its simplest terms
energy is the ability
to do work.
Energy is all around us.
Why, energy is in the sun.
[instrumental music]
Energy is in our muscles.
Hey, Mr. Egghead!
Why, energy is even in Walter.
Sorry to interrupt,
but I've been wondering
if the speed of light
is based on the theory
that light
has a finite velocity
how would that calculate
in a black hole?
Let's let the Professor
field this one.
Well, uh, son,
I'm gonna tell you
the same thing my father
told me when I was young.
Look it up.
Well put, Professor.
And now, it's time to pick
one special Junior Egghead..
to help me with an
eggs-periment about energy.
(all)
Me! Me! Me!
Oh, here's a pretty,
young Egghead.
- Thanks, Joey.
- It's Mr. Egghead.
Hey! They live
in the same house.
This is a fix.
(all)
Fix! Fix! Fix!
♪ Fix fix fix ♪
(all)
Fix!
Don't egg them on, Professor.
Young lady,
tell everyone your name.
Stephanie Judith Tanner
and I'm very egg-cited
to be here.
Egg-cellent.
Let's take a look at how
energy works, shall we?
Now, over here we have your
ordinary, run-of-the-mill
boxing glove on a spring.
Now, when I pull the lever
and release the spring..
its stored energy
becomes kinetic energy
propelling the boxing glove
into Proton, the Clown's face.
[instrumental music]
Now, lovely assistant,
pull the lever
release the energy and learn.
It's stuck.
It is.
Because, as we say
in the laboratory..
[instrumental music]
Something's wrong.
[booing]
This never happened
to the real Mr. Egghead.
Walter, why don't you take
a journey through the eggs-it?
I'll cover for you, Mr. Egghead.
Professor, "Tomorrow."
♪ The sun'll come out ♪
♪ Tomorrow.. ♪♪
Steph, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you there.
Steph, are you okay?
Steph, say something.
How..
...rude?
[instrumental music]
I sure wish Stephanie
would get home from the doctor.
Is she getting a lollipop?
Stephanie's gonna get
anything she wants.
Hey!
How is she?
Where is she? Is she okay?
Calm down, Joey.
She's gonna be alright.
Steph.
Don't worry, Joey.
It's just a little broken nose.
Yeah, the doctor said
the splint will be off in a week
and she'll be as good as new.
Steph, I am so sorry.
Here, I bought you
a little something.
Thanks, Joey.
I know you didn't
mean to break my nose.
You broke Stephanie's nose?
Go to your room.
Oh, you're right.
I've been bad.
Joey, she's 3 years old.
She has no authority
to punish you.
I'll take a picture.
Say cheese.
Oh, no. I forgot.
Tomorrow's class picture day.
Why me?
- You forgot your presents!
- I don't want my presents.
Ooh, happy birthday to me.
Jess, this is terrible.
It's bad enough I broke her
nose. How do I tell Danny?
Come on, Joey,
it was an accident.
Besides, he's your best friend.
He'll understand.
Well, if your best friend
broke your
daughter's nose
what would you do?
I'd kill him.
I'm home!
- Hi.
- Bye.
Joseph.
Well, there he is.
The man who knows everything.
How'd the show go?
Oh, I-d, I'd rather hear
about your day in court.
While I was pleading my case
my meter ran out
and they towed my car.
It cost me 100 bucks
to beat a $30 ticket.
Dad, we can fight this.
Set it up
for a week from Thursday.
I have a killer biology test.
So, Joey, how'd you do
on the show?
Well, for starters, I was booed
off the stage and fired.
- See ya.
- Fired?
Joey, I was positive
you'd be a hit.
Well, now,
there was a hit involved.
Well, how can I say this? Um..
Joey broke Stephanie's nose.
You broke Stephanie's nose?
You better go to your room.
There is no way I'm going to
school tomorrow for picture day.
Last year I was sneezeburger.
This year I'll be robo-nose.
Steph, you know dad's not
gonna let you miss school.
True.
Ah. But what if I don't ask him?
Steph. Oh, honey.
- Are you okay?
- Yep, I'm fine.
The doctor says I'll be
as good as new in a week.
Is there anything
at all you need?
Well, I've always wanted
a big-screen TV.
Go for it, Steph.
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
Michelle, what are you
doing in here?
What are you doing in here?
Is this what you do every day
when I leave for school?
Sneak in here
and play with my toys?
Every day.
Michelle, listen to me.
I'm ditching school because
I'm not taking my class picture
with this thing on my nose.
But you can't tell
anyone I'm home.
- Pinky swear?
- Pinky swear.
Okay, now.
You have to do me a favor.
Go downstairs to the kitchen
and get me something to eat.
And if anyone asks
who the food is for
you say, nobody.
- Got it?
- Got it, dude.
[scoffs]
Mm. I'm a good cook.
Michelle,
you just ate breakfast.
This is not for me.
- Well, then who is it for?
- Nobody.
Michelle, this sandwich
is inside out.
You're supposed
to say, thank you.
- 'Michelle!'
- Oh, no. It's Joey.
Remember, I'm not here.
Oh, Michelle. You are gonna make
such a mess up here.
Too late.
- 'Hey.'
- Uh-oh.
Hey, you, doggy.
That's for nobody.
[sighs]
Oh, hi, Joey.
I was just testing my new
glow-in-the-dark shoelaces.
Out.
Steph, why aren't you in school?
Joey, please don't make me
go to school like this.
You already broke my nose on TV.
Now you're gonna make me
be teased for a whole year?
What did I ever do to you?
All I did was love you.
Oh, you never have to
go to school again.
Stephanie, what are you
doing here?
Joey says I never have to
go to school again!
Jess, look,
she's way too embarrassed
to get her picture
taken like this.
We'll write her a little note,
Danny will never know.
Works for me.
Now, Stephanie.
Pal, you're only in
the second grade once..
...hopefully.
Now, a class picture
is something
you can treasure forever.
If you miss that picture,
you may regret it
for the rest of your life.
I'm willing to take that chance.
Let me put it another way.
You're going to school.
- But, Uncle--
- I don't want any buts.
Now, go downstairs
and wait for me.
- Okay, I'll go.
- Alright.
But I'm not gonna smile.
- This is all my fault.
- Yes, it is.
- Thanks for the pep talk.
- Come on, Joey, grow up, man.
Feeling guilty's not gonna
help anybody.
Oh, great, now I'm feeling
guilty about feeling guilty.
Joseph, snap out of it.
You're a comedian.
You're supposed to make people
laugh at their troubles.
There's a little girl downstairs
who I know could use a laugh.
Ain't you gonna go down there
and take care of business
or you're gonna stay up here
and wallow in your self-pity?
Just give me one more wallow.
[instrumental music]
- Joey, what are you doing here?
- Waiting for Steph.
Come on, everybody's ready
to take the class picture.
Do I have to?
I'm gonna look so silly.
You're not gonna look
any sillier
than the rest of the class.
(all)
Hi, Stephanie.
Alright. This is great.
And I got you a pair too.
Now, go take that picture.
Thanks, Mr. Egghead.
- Thanks, Professor.
- Hmm.
Joseph, this is one
of the stupidest ideas
you've ever had..
And one of the best.
Good job.
Okay, everybody.
One, two, three, smile.
And now one without the glasses.
Yeah, what the heck.
Alright, everyone
say the secret word
and of course,
that word would be
uh, well, uh, cheese.
(all)
Cheese!
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow ♪♪