[instrumental music]
Daddy, Joey, come here.
What's the matter, honey?
There's a monster in my closet.
Oh, Michelle, we've been
through this a hundred times.
There's no such thing
as monsters.
Uh-huh?
There's a Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monster's
not a real monster.
He's just a sugar freak who got
stuck with a scary last name.
I'm telling you,
there's a monster in my closet.
Alright, Michelle,
I am gonna prove to you
that there's no monster
in your closet.
Be very careful.
Look, honey.
[screaming]
- Gotcha.
- 'Oh, yeah, you guys got us.'
Way to go, Michelle. Yes.
- What is this thing?
- That's very attractive.
Your old Halloween mask.
[John Stamos singing
"Everywhere You Look"]
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get to living here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you ever seen ♪
♪ And a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ And that little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Okay.
Freeze. Stop.
Take off your shoes.
Oh, that's right, it's Friday.
And Friday is..
(together)
Mop Till You Drop Day.
Comet, wipe your paws.
I just mopped. Comet, come back.
Don't you know
it's Mop Till You Drop Day?
Comet. Comet.
Oh, man, it's a good thing you
start obedience school tonight.
You know, some dogs your age are
pulling sleds or herding sheep.
All I want you to do
is sit, heel.
Maybe do an occasional
load of laundry.
[doorbell ringing]
Comet. Comet, come back.
Okay, get it out of your system.
- Hi.
Here's the baby. Thanks for
letting Tony sleep over tonight.
Oh, hey, what are neighbors for?
I get $3.50 an hour plus tips
and all I can eat.
Which is no big deal
because it's my food.
You're a prince, man.
Here's a list
of emergency phone numbers.
And here's Tony's
nutritionally-balanced
cholesterol-free,
oat-bran-enriched baby food.
Sort of like Purina Yuppie Chow.
- Well, thanks.
- Oh, one more thing.
Tony won't bond
with just anybody
so don't take it personally
when you pick him up
if he screams his guts out.
Why aren't you laughing?
You'll see.
Okay, Tony, what do you say
we do a little bonding?
'Yeah, you look psyched.'
Let me, uh, warm up
your bottle for you.
And I'm gonna put you right
over here where I can see you.
Now, don't you move.
I can't wait
to get in the kitchen.
I haven't cooked
for you guys in months.
Oh, we can't wait either,
sweetheart.
Oh, baby in the house.
Look, Jess, he's so cute.
Yeah, you see cute.
I see smelly diapers.
Joey, where did
the baby come from?
Well, you see, Jess, when two
people really love each other..
I know that part.
This baby.
Where did this baby come from?
Oh, this is Tony Kagan
from across the street.
We're babysitting him tonight.
[crying]
What did you say?
You want your Uncle Jesse?
Oh, no, no, no.
- Kid, kid..
- Oh!
(Jesse)
'Trust me,
you want nothing to do with me.'
- You want your Uncle Jesse.
- No, no, no, you don't..
Yes.
Aw!
What did I ever do to you?
Face it, Jess,
the kid just loves you.
Which is great because
I gotta take Comet
to obedience school tonight.
Will you watch him for me?
- You're dreaming.
- Oh, come on, sweetie.
It will be fun.
We'll get to play mom and dad.
Great.
We'll call a babysitter.
Oh, Jess, you can't fool me.
I know you love kids.
His bottle's in the sink. Come
on, Comet, let's go. Heel, heel.
Comet, heel.
Stay.
Comet, wait for me.
Comet, get in the car.
Comet, not that car.
Come back with my dog.
Alright, that's enough baby
bonding. Here you go, chief.
Michelle, this is Tony.
Tony, Michelle.
Very nice to meet you.
Can you do this?
[laughing]
Can you do anything?
Yeah, I bet he could laugh.
Let's tickle him, okay? Ready?
Brr.
- My turn.
- Brr.
Tony, I used to be really cool.
Homework halftime.
Oh, thanks, Joey.
I'm in big trouble here.
Are you any good at math?
Well, I hate to brag,
but I did sleep
through a whole year
of honors calculus.
What's the problem, Deej?
Lay it on me.
Okay, here it is.
"Bill is throwing a party.
"He wants to buy a pound
and a half of mixed nuts.
"One third is almonds,
two thirds are walnuts.
"The total cost is
seven dollars and 50 cents.
The almonds cost $4 a pound.
How much do the walnuts cost?"
The guy's name was Bill?
Alright, who wants to play
with the munchkin?
- I do. I do. I do.
Joey, you have homework.
[gasping]
Look at those little fingers.
Oh, look how adorable. Hi.
Oh, I always wanted
a baby brother.
Oh, I can't take this.
I'm taking a baby break.
[all babbling]
As much as I wuv baby talk,
I weally have to weave.
[crying]
(together)
Uncle Jesse, Tony wants you.
He's not crying
just because he wants me.
Hey, listen, this, uh, I don't
cry around Uncle Jesse bit
was cute at first,
but now it's, uh..
Okay, it's still cute.
Ready? Come on. Flying baby.
Here we go. Ready? Flying baby.
Oh, boy, jumbo jet.
Here we go. Brrr.
Look out, flying baby.
Wide body.
[screaming]
Coming in for a landing.
It's a bird, it's a plane,
it's super baby.
- Hey, I'm super baby.
- No, you're not.
You're super big girl.
Okay, here we go, chief.
Coming in for a landing. Waah!
Hey, that's my crib.
Michelle, you don't need
a crib anymore.
You're a big girl.
You sleep in a big-girl bed.
Here, Ton,
you want some toys, buddy?
Here, Ton. There you go, buddy.
Those are my toys.
Well, Michelle, Tony needs
some company while he sleeps.
In my room?
Michelle, you have to learn
how to share.
Now, today it's Tony's room too,
okay?
This is nuts.
Alright, big Ton.
Let me sing you a little song.
You can go to sleep, okay?
Here we go.
♪ Goodnight my love ♪
♪ Pleasant dreams ♪
♪ Sleep tight my love.. ♪
That's my song.
♪ Let tomorrow be sunny
and bright ♪
♪ And bring you closer
to me.. ♪♪
Uncle Jesse
doesn't like me anymore.
Hey, guys, I finally got it.
I finally figured out
D.J.'s math problem.
According to my calculations,
Bill can buy
a pound of walnuts for..
...fifty three thousand dollars.
Well, that's what
the Pentagon would pay.
Too spicy?
No, no. I always cry
when I eat chicken.
It's pasta.
Uncle Jesse,
come with me, please.
- Okay, where are we going?
- To see Tony.
- What's the matter with Tony?
- He's still here.
Come on, Beck,
check this out with me.
- What about my dinner?
- Uh, just let it fester.
I mean simmer.
Ow!
Hello, Mohammed's House of Nuts?
Yes, hello,
my name is, uh, Bill.
Yeah, look, I'm, uh,
I'm having a party
and my nut budget is exactly..
...seven dollars and 50 cents.
Now, if a third of my friends
like almonds
and almonds cost,
let's see, $4 a pound..
No, this isn't for homework.
Yes, I know I'll-I'll never
learn if I don't do it myself.
Time to go home. Bye-bye, Tony.
Oh, Michelle, that wasn't
very cool. You woke up the kid.
Good, now he could go home.
Oh, Michelle,
you don't mean that.
- Oh, yes, I do.
- Alright, come on, buddy.
Here we go. Here we go, Tony.
- Okay, bud.
- My turn. Carry me.
Michelle, I'm taking care
of the baby right now.
I'll carry you later, okay?
You okay, Ton? You okay, buddy?
Hey, Jess.
I think that Michelle's jealous
because baby Tony's
getting all
of her uncle's attention.
- Now she wants to be the baby.
- Hey, baby, hey..
What would give you
a crazy idea like that?
Well, intuition, instinct.
And the fact that Michelle's
sitting in the crib
sucking her thumb.
I'm a baby.
Here.
Michelle, you're not a baby.
You're a big girl.
Goo goo ga ga.
Beck, we gotta do something
about this.
Well, I think
the obvious thing to do
is to reward Michelle
for acting like a big girl.
You obviously know nothing
about child psychology.
- Oh, really?
- Yes, really. It's very simple.
You just have to look them in
the eye and lay down the law.
Watch...and learn.
Should I take notes,
oh, wise one?
Wouldn't hurt.
Alright, Michelle, now come on,
stop clowning around.
You get out of that thing
and start showing us
what a big girl you are.
[imitating baby cry]
Ready to try the reward method?
Oh, please, that never works.
Well, if you try it, I'll give
you one of my special back rubs.
It's worth a shot.
Why, because
I'm gonna reward you?
Well, maybe.
Just because you tricked me
doesn't mean
Michelle's dumb enough
to fall for it.
Deej, I've been working on
this problem for over an hour
and the answer is..
...you're never gonna use
algebra in real life.
- Joey--
- No, I let you down.
Now you'll never
get into college.
You'll end up working
in some diner
serving chicken-fried steaks
and creamed corn
to truck drivers named
Tiny, and Duke, and Buck.
Joey, relax.
I called the Homework Hotline
and they helped me do it.
See, X is the total, Y is the
price of a pound of walnuts.
So the walnuts are Z
and Z equals X minus Y
divided by two which makes
the price of the walnuts
five dollars and 50 cents.
Oh, sure, it's easy when you use
letters. I was using real nuts.
Alright, Deej,
give me another problem.
- Okay.
Here we go. Page 62.
And numbers one through 20. Show
all your work, neatness counts.
I'll get right on it.
Doing my homework.
Can't talk now.
Who wanted to talk to him?
Alright, listen, girls,
I'm having a little problem.
I wanna ask you about something.
You know, I've been kinda
hanging around with Tony
and Michelle's
startin' to get jealous.
You know, and Tony's a baby so
Michelle's acting like a baby
and I figured maybe I'd give her
something really special
to reward her
for acting like a big girl.
So do you guys have any ideas?
Well, you know, Michelle has
had her eye on Mr. Bear
ever since she could crawl.
So, what's your point?
Well, you always said that
one day you were gonna give
Mr. Bear to Michelle.
Well, when I said one day,
I meant like her wedding day.
Here, why don't you give her
your Pillow Person?
Because Mr. Bear
is a child's toy.
My Pillow Person
is a sophisticated companion.
Please. Sophisticated?
It's got arms and legs
growing out of its face.
- I say we let Michelle decide.
- Fine with me.
It is a stupid-looking pillow.
Michelle, pick a toy.
Haven't you always wanted
this darling, little bear?
I'm sure you'd rather have
this sophisticated companion.
You don't want this
boring, square person.
But he's much better than
this disgusting, yucky old bear.
I'll explain later.
Michelle, if you get one
of these toys
you're gonna have to act
like a big girl
because these are
big-girl toys, capisce?
Capisce.
♪ Eenie meenie minie mo
catch a tiger by the toe ♪
♪ If he hollers let him go
eenie meenie minie mo ♪♪
I pick Mr. Bear.
Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Goodbye, old friend.
Hello, new friend.
I'm proud of you, kiddo.
Well, if it makes Michelle
happy, I guess it was worth it.
[crying]
'What have I done?'
Well, I guess
I took care of that.
Turn around.
Michelle, get out of the crib.
She's back in the crib?
If she's still acting
like a baby, the deal is off.
- I want Mr. Bear back.
- No.
[Tony crying]
Well, I'll go get Tony a bottle.
Take care of this,
will you, Beckala?
- Give me Mr. Bear.
- His name is Willie.
You changed his name?
You got it, dude.
Jesse, you are gonna
be so proud of this dog.
And you're gonna
be proud of me too.
They taught you to heel?
No, the instructor taught me
how to control Comet.
You know, the relationship
between a dog and his master
can be a beautiful thing.
Now behold,
the new and improved Comet.
Comet, lie down.
'Comet.'
He will lie down eventually.
And when he does, I'll be
waiting with a doggy yummy.
Danny, I'm glad you're here.
I have some..
I'm having a little problem
with Michelle.
You know how I've been
hanging out with Tony?
Well, Michelle's
starting to freak out.
She's acting like a baby.
Ah, poor kid.
How did you handle it?
Well, I told her
to straighten up
and start acting like an adult.
And when that didn't work,
what did you do?
Well, we tried giving her
a reward
for acting, uh, like a big girl.
You tried to bribe her?
Don't cheapen it.
What should I do?
Well, I think if you want
Michelle to act like a big girl
you have to talk to her
like she's a big girl
in words
that she'll understand.
You got it, dude.
Alright, Michelle.
It's time for a special
uncle-to-niece talk, okay?
I'm not giving Willie back.
Alright, Michelle.
Now you tell your Uncle Jesse
why you're having
a bummer of a day.
You like Tony better than me.
Michelle, that's not true.
You're my best pal.
We go back three years.
You gave Tony my room
and my song.
I-I was just trying to be nice
to our new friend.
But I should have
asked you first
'cause I'd never wanna
hurt your feelings, pal.
- You wanna know why?
- Why?
Come here.
I'll tell you why.
[instrumental music]
'Cause you make me laugh,
Michelle.
You make me smile.
You make me feel good
about caring about somebody.
- I do that?
- Yeah, you do that.
Michelle, you and I
are gonna be together forever
and Tony's leaving tomorrow.
He is?
Yes, he is.
And I want you to know
something.
There's gonna be a lot of people
that come in and out of my life.
But you're always
gonna be number one.
You're gonna be my best pal,
my buddy, my sidekick.
- You know why?
- Why?
'Cause I love you
very, very much.
- How much?
- You wanna know how much?
I'll show you how much.
I love you this much.
- Wow!
- How much do you love me?
- This much.
- That much?
Oh, our arms are open.
We have to hug.
It's a given, it's a given.
Michelle, I've been thinking
about it, and, you know
you might need that bear
more than I do.
So have a nice life
with Mr. Bear.
I mean, Willie.
Here, you can have Mr. Bear.
Michelle, I love you so much.
Everybody loves me.
That was a wet kiss.
I'm hip.
Come here.
Now, let me tell you
something, Michelle.
That was very nice
that you gave the bear back.
You really are a big girl.
I'm hip.
- How did we do?
- We did pretty good, didn't we?
Wanna make friends with Tony?
Yes, I would.
Tony, you're a nice baby.
Give Tony a kiss.
Give him a kiss.
You know, one day
you're gonna make a great dad.
Give Jesse a kiss.
Give him a kiss.
Oh, yeah. Have mercy.
- Can you say have mercy?
- Can you say that, little guy?
Have mercy. Have mercy.
You will someday.
Here we go. Time to go to sleep.
There you go, big Ton-o-rama.
Here we go, man.
Brr. Brr.
Goodnight, Tony.
Oh, Michelle,
that's so sweet. Come on.
You're going home tomorrow,
you remember?
[instrumental music]
[theme music]