[theme music]
"And the handsome prince said
all these words."
The end.
(Danny)
'Michelle!'
Daddy's coming.
No barking.
[Comet barks]
Shh!
Michelle.
Honey, did you
tuck yourself in already?
'Daddy, I'm sle-e-eping.'
[chuckles]
Well, first I want
my goodnight kiss.
Oh. Michelle,
what wet lips you have.
Honey.
How did Comet get
in your bed?
You got me.
You know the rules.
No dogs in bed.
You're in big trouble, mister.
[chuckles]
[Jesse Frederick singing
"Everywhere You Look"]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability? ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy
evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to livin' here?
Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[theme music]
I'm not gonna sneeze.
Ahh.
Thank you, nose.
Achoo!
Happy New Year.
It's not a holiday, Michelle.
I have a horrible cold.
I'll make you all better.
You're gonna love this.
What the heck
are you doing?
Making you chicken soup.
Hey, you ready to pitch
that big account today, Jess?
- Looking good, Joseph.
- Looking sharp, Jess.
- I'm pumped.
- I am psyched.
(both)
Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Hold it.
I'm not going in there
with a dented head.
Good thinking.
Steph, give my love
to the third grade.
- We're out of here.
- We're gone.
Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!
- We're back.
- Yeah.
Don't worry.
It's just my nose, my throat
my ears, my chest.
Eight years old,
and I'm falling apart.
That's it, no school
for you today, young lady.
Get your PJs on
and up to bed.
[sighs]
But we're supposed
to see a filmstrip
on how they make cheese.
You know, that bed is sounding
better and better.
Finish your soup,
young lady.
Howdy, boys.
Oh, good.
Kimmy's gone country.
[screams]
D.J.!
(D.J.)
'Coming!'
Hi, Kimmy.
Oh, guys,
I'm glad you're here.
I'm in charge of Career Day.
Will you guys come down
to my school next week
and talk about advertising?
- Yeah, sure, Deej.
- We're there for you, babe.
I'm there for you too, babe.
Huh. Well, thanks, dad,
but you're probably busy.
Oh, I'm never too busy
to inspire the youth of America.
And I guess this is where
it pays off really big
having a dad who's the star of
"Wake Up, San Francisco," huh?
Tell him.
I can't.
Look how happy he is.
Yeah, he is happy.
I'll tell him.
We don't need you, Mr. T.
We already booked
a big TV star.
Bigger than me?
Jimmy Chung said
he could get his Aunt Connie.
Connie Chung?
You booked Connie Chung
for Career Day?
I've been trying to get her
on my show for years.
Tell you what,
have your people call my people.
- D.J.
- I know, dad.
Make knew friends.
And we'd really like
to thank you for switching
the meeting to our house.
Yes, I'm sure you'll find
it was worth the inconvenience.
I'm sure, I will.
I'm gonna go get ready
in the getting ready area.
Excuse me.
Wait till you see what my boys
have cooked up for you.
Take it away, Gladstone.
Thank you,
Mr. Malatesta.
Ms. Garland,
my partner and I
are gonna make
your new men's cologne, IQ
the smell of the '90s.
Joey. Joey.
The sneeze juice
is backing up into my ears.
Excuse us,
it's time for her nose drops.
[laughs]
Okay, tilt back, Steph.
She's very limber.
Okay, fire one.
[imitates missile]
Fire two.
[imitates missile]
It's working.
Hey!
I can breathe again!
[sniffs]
Something's really stinky.
[chuckles]
Well, we know it's not
the smell of the '90s.
There you are.
I made you
some orange juice.
It, uh, sure does look fresh.
You, back to bed.
Right now. Move it.
But, Michelle--
I said move it, mister!
Kids.
Okay.
We fade in
on an elegant library.
We pan over
to a portrait of a Goddess
draped in but a wisp
of chiffon.
As the classical music swells
a great intellect enters.
The suave,
classy, debonair IQ Man.
I want to know if I can live
with what I know.
And only that.
As the IQ Man
ponders that thought..
Hmm.
...a dreamlike mist
fills the room.
Suddenly the Goddess
in the painting comes to life.
She's drawn to the IQ Man
by a mysterious power.
There's something about him
I can't resist.
Is it his eyes?
Is it his smile?
- Is it--
- Stop!
If you must love me..
...love me for my IQ.
IQ.
Now available
in biodegradable roll-on.
That made absolutely
no sense at all.
It's the perfect cologne ad.
You've got the job.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you. Thanks, very much.
Uh, Jesse and I will
direct the commercial.
Right. And we'll find
the perfect IQ Man for you.
Oh, you've already found him.
You.
Me? Ahem. Me?
No, I'm, I'm not a model.
You're hot.
Nah.
You're sexy.
No!
- You've got great hair.
- Ok, you got one.
But I, no, I-I
I would, I would feel silly.
He would love
to do this.
Wonderful.
Excuse us a second,
won't you?
Joseph.
I-I'm not doing this.
I'm not gonna prancing around
like some smiling slab of beef.
Jess, this is the biggest break
of our careers.
Now, don't blow it just because
you have this weird hang-up
about beef.
Katsopolis, let me explain
your options to you.
Either you do it, you do it,
or you do it.
What was the second one again?
Hi, dad.
Hola, Becky.
- Hi, girls.
- Hi.
Well, have a great Career Day.
Send my regards
to Connie Chung.
Boy, Mr. T, you sure
do look snappy in earth tones.
What do you want,
Gibbler?
Dad, remember Jimmy Chung,
the pathological liar?
Oh, I'm just
taking a shot here
but, uh, he couldn't
get his Aunt Connie, huh?
He doesn't have
an Aunt Connie.
His name's
not even Chung.
[chuckling]
Well, what do you know?
Looks like you two are in
the market for a major TV star.
Oh, oh, Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy.
Why don't you have your people
call my people, huh?
- I'll do it.
- Thanks, Becky.
- Be there right after lunch.
- Okay.
Whoa, whoa, girls, uh,
can't a guy make a joke?
You know, I don't have
any people, you're my people.
It's okay, dad,
you can do it.
I should've asked you
in the first place.
I just got caught up
in Chung-mania.
Oh, didn't we all?
What is this?
This isn't what we ordered.
We ordered a library set.
Not a bathroom set.
Okay, strike it.
Strike the set.
Who's responsible
for this?
This was Ms. Garland's idea.
Okay, people,
back to work.
Come on, let's move,
let's go.
I just couldn't see
the IQ Man in a library.
In fact, the more,
I thought about it
the more I saw you
in the, uh...shower.
Why would I wear
a smoking jacket in a shower?
Exactly.
That's why
you'll be wearing this.
And action!
I want to know if I can live
with what I know..
...and only that.
Cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut.
Jess, the concept
is the IQ Man
not the IQ head.
Too bad. The head's
all you're getting.
Maybe little ice cold water
will help him over his shyness.
Whoa-a-h! Okay. I'm out.
I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.
No, no.
No need to dry off.
In fact, I would like
to see your body...wetter.
The wetter, the better.
Excuse us, won't you?
Joseph, hop on.
You see, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
I'm nothing but a big mac
in a bath towel.
Joey, I'm not a hamburger.
I happen to be a human being.
Jess, buddy,
as long as I'm the director
you will be treated
with dignity and respect.
- Thank you.
- Okay. Hose him down.
Ho-ho-hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
Watch the hair. Watch the hair.
Excuse me.
Take two.
Okay, this time,
give me more steam.
'And action!'
I want..
[coughs]
I want to know..
...if I can live
with what I know..
...and only that.
There's something about him
I can't resist.
Is it his eyes?
Is it his smile?
- Is it his--
- Stop.
If you must love me..
...love me for my I..
my I..
I'm in a bath towel.
I'm in a bath towel here.
Come on, Jess.
What is the problem?
- It's not working, okay?
- He's right, it's not working.
- Thank you.
- That towel is much too big.
Wait, hold, cut, cut.
Not you, not you. Whoa!
- I won't hurt you.
- 'Whoa!'
Malatesta, can you
help me out here, please?
She is the client.
She's chasing me with scissors.
So stop running.
I'll not stand here
and be exploited by you.
Katsopolis, as long as
you're working for me
you'll do exactly
what she says.
Okay, from now on
we don't work for you.
- We quit!
- You're making a big mistake.
No, no, no, the biggest mistake
I ever made was
working for
a spineless jellyfish like you.
What?
Uh, sir, you know, uh, uh,
in many parts of the world
a-a spineless jellyfish
is considered a delicacy.
Let's go.
You're a good man, Gladstone.
You know just when to kiss up.
- I am a kiss-up, aren't I?
- One of the best.
- I sold you out, didn't I?
- Joey, you hosed me down.
We're partners...and friends.
This man is not a hamburger..
and I am not
a side of fries
and you, sir,
are a..
...Chicken McNugget.
Joey, are you gonna quit
or order a Happy Meal?
- We're quitting.
- That's my partner.
Come on, we got
better places to be.
We just lost our jobs.
Where are we going?
Career Day.
Thank you, Mr. Kraus,
for introducing us
to the wonderful world of meat.
And now, as we move in to
the field of TV entertainment
I'd like to apologize once again
for the unfortunate
Connie Chung incident.
[all exclaim]
But just as exciting
we have the co-hosts of
"Wake Up, San Francisco."
Let's give it up
for Danny Tanner
and Rebecca Donaldson!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo..
Who are right here.
Wake up, Van Atta Junior High.
I'm Danny Tanner.
And I'm Rebecca Donaldson.
And this is basically what
we do, we talk to each other.
And to our guests,
and we listen, and we..
Finish
each other's sentences.
[laughs]
Okay, now,
looking as I am right now
at your beautiful, shiny,
round little faces
I'm reminded
of my first job in television.
I was assistant stock boy
in Antenna Town.
And you know,
it reminds me of a long story--
Danny, look,
our first question.
How tall
is Connie Chung?
Connie Chung
is not here, I am and..
...I'm 6'4.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, but if she were here,
how tall would she be?
- Who does Connie's hair?
- Yes?
[all clamoring]
That's it.
Let's face it.
Connie Chung couldn't make it,
so just get over it.
Oh, look who's here.
From the exciting world
of advertising
Jesse Katsopolis
and Joey Gladstone.
Come on down.
- Thanks, guys.
- "Thanks, guys?"
That's it for me and Rebecca?
The butcher had ten minutes.
Sorry, dad,
but class is almost over
and the butcher
gave out midget salamis.
Hey, I'm not
above bribes.
In fact, maybe
these kids would like
some autographed pictures of me.
I brought the pictures.
And I have a special felt marker
and everything.
Danny, it's over.
Take it away, boys.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Hi.
You know, when you really stop
and think about it
this whole career thing
is overrated.
I mean, there are
more important things in life.
Right, Joey?
Sure,
like a well-balanced breakfast.
Right, and, uh,
uh, really cool sunglasses.
Yeah, and strong water pressure
in the shower.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah. That would be.
Did you guys
lose your jobs or something?
Zip it, Gibbler.
We have something much more
important than jobs.
- Yeah.
- We have our integrity.
How much does that
pay an hour?
[bell rings]
So remember, kids, always
keep your heads held high
and always carry
exact bus change
and remember, no running
in the hallways.
I think
you really moved them.
I feel so bad for you guys.
What happened?
Oh, our boss just
pushed us too far. We quit.
Look, I'm the last one
to give advice.
Okay, I'm the first one,
but maybe you guys should go
into business for yourselves.
You could write
and market your own commercials
and direct them
for your own production company.
Yeah, we just learned
about this.
Why don't you guys
get a small business loan?
That's a great idea, I mean,
you've got the experience
the talent,
the contacts.
All you need is
to rent some equipment.
And find
some studio space.
And print up
some business cards.
- That's it.
- You're in business.
Congratulations.
We have our own business.
What the hell
just happened?
Tissue, tissue, tissue.
Achoo!
Thank you.
How rude!
You gave me your cold.
Take it back.
No can do.
Once it's out of my nose,
it's out of my hands.
- Hi, girls.
- 'Hi, Joey.'
(Michelle)
'Hi, Joey.'
How are you, Michelle?
She makes me sick.
What she means is,
I gave her my cold.
Well, I'm sorry you got
Stephie's cold
but you know the good news?
Since you took
such good care of Stephie
I'm sure Stephie's gonna take
really good care of you.
- Right, Steph?
- Nice guilt trip, Joey.
Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
Bye, girls.
In the words
of Michelle Tanner
"you upstairs, into bed.
Move it, mister, move it."
Chill out, dude.
Hey, Joey, I got bad news
for Double J Creative Services.
The bank turned down
our business loan.
- How could they do that?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe 'cause we've no experience
running our own business
no collateral,
no credit rating.
Why do you think
they turned us down?
Hey, just 'cause
you're cranky and unemployed
don't take it out on me.
Guys, I heard about
what happened at the bank.
And I think I have a way
to make you feel better.
No, don't tell me
that you're gonna sing
"The Impossible Dream" again.
No. I'm just gonna hum it
while you take a look at this.
[humming "The Impossible Dream"]
This is a personal check
from Danny Tanner.
[humming louder]
Danny, stop humming!
[hums softly]
Why are you giving us
all this money?
Because I believe
in you guys.
After all you've done for me,
I'm happy to do this for you.
But this, this is not a gift,
it's an investment.
I wanna be a partner
in your success.
Danny, this is beautiful.
Oh, that's a lot of money.
You're so..
Did you say partner?
Well, silent partner.
Come on, what do you say?
I'll be totally close mouthed.
No butting in,
I'll keep my nose out of it
mind my own business, my lips
are sealed, not a peep out of--
Danny, if you'd shut up for one
minute, we could tell you that..
...you're in.
Yeah? Alright!
Double J And D
Creative Services.
Of course,
the D is silent.
[humming "The impossible Dream"]
Come on. Sing, boys.
[all humming]
Hum with me.
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪