[instrumental music]
Okay, Michelle now
the key to house hockey is..
...no high-sticking,
no cross-checking.
And breaking a lamp
will cost you
ten minutes in the penalty
box with Comet.
Daddy said no hockey
in the house.
Right, but the beauty part is..
...daddy's not home.
So if you don't tell,
I won't tell.
This is very sneaky,
but I like it.
[chuckles]
Now, you must try
to shoot the puck
past the world-famous
goalie, moi.
You must be
very, very tricky
because nothing gets by
Pierre De La Pate.
[chuckles]
Look, daddy's home.
Score.
In your face, Pate.
[chuckles]
You think you
are too tricky.
Sacrebleu,
les enfants.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get to livin' here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your
dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Shooby-do-ba-botta ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[piano music]
Okay, Comet. This is how you
fetch the mornin' paper.
You bring it into the house,
bring it to your master
and drop it in his lap.
Like that.
Good boy, Danny.
So, I'm gonna
rub your tummy now?
No, but I could use a little
scratch behind the ears.
In the living room.
Good boy.
- Hi.
- Hi, Becky.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi.
Come on, Danny, we better
get down to the station.
Great. You know what I love
about our talk show?
Everyday we get to take
a hard-hitting look
at the important social issues
facing our society.
What's on this
morning's schedule?
Celebrity pasta salads.
Alright, free food.
- See you later.
- See you later, honey.
See you, guys.
Oh, Jess, why did I eat this
candy apple for breakfast?
I don't know. Maybe to wash
down the corn dog?
No.
'Cause it was calling me.
"Psst. Hey, Joey.
"Come here.
"Look, I'm juicy,
and I'm gooey
and I'm on a stick."
That's the same thing
the corn dog said.
Anyhow, that sticky goop
pulled out one of my fillings.
That must kill.
Only when I go like this..
[inhales]
Ow.
Don't go like that.
Anyway, the dentist
can see me this morning.
You gotta cover for me,
it's my day to be
parent volunteer
at Michelle 's preschool.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm not gonna
waste my one free morning
with a bunch of whiney,
sticky-fingered
runny-nosed ankle biters.
Jess, you leave me
no choice.
Michelle.
I'm ready, Joey.
Listen, whatever you two
bozos have cooked up
it ain't gonna work.
Uh, Michelle,
how would you feel
if your Uncle Jesse
went to preschool
with you?
I'd be the happiest girl
in the whole world.
Joseph, I've lived with
this kid for four years.
I'm cute-proof.
Well, then you won't
mind my asking..
...Michelle, how would you feel
if your Uncle Jesse
didn't go with you?
I'd be the saddest girl
in the whole world.
Michelle, are you
just saying that
'cause Joey told you to?
And because
I love you.
Oh-ho, beautiful save.
Alright, call her off.
I'll go to
preschool with you.
Thank you.
That was easy.
Here you go, Steph,
hot off the press.
Your free copy
of our school newspaper.
Gee, thanks.
News about kids
I don't know
at a school
I don't go to.
Check out
my new column.
"Madame Kimmy's Horoscope."
Oh, if the words are too big
for you to read
you can always
color on it.
[laughs]
Horoscope?
What's that, Kimmy?
A telescope that
can only see your face?
[laughs]
Well, as editor
of the school paper
I must say Kimmy did
an excellent job.
She got all
the astrological signs right.
Except for aquarium,
the fish tank.
Are you saying Kimmy
can tell the future?
She can barely tell time.
D.J., read
Stephanie's horoscope.
I bet you all of Madame Kimmy's
predictions come true.
Let's see what the stars
foretell, young Capricorn.
"Your day starts
with good fortune."
Wrong already.
Kimmy's here.
"Afternoon brings
unpleasant surprise."
What happens,
Kimmy comes back?
"Then a misunderstanding
will occur at home.
Exercise extreme
caution after dark."
Go now.
I must rest.
Your day starts
with good fortune.
Maybe you should
check your pocket.
Wow, a dollar.
Just like my horoscope said.
Uh-oh, does this mean all that
bad stuff's gonna happen, too?
Chill, squirt.
I put that dollar
in your pocket.
Now the joke's over.
Give it back.
Not so fast.
Kimmy, your
horoscope says
"You'll make
a financial blunder."
Your blunder,
my buck.
Let's see
what mine says.
"You will talk
with a bad accent."
Let's go. We're missing
all the fun.
Alright, alright.
Michelle, you gotta know
I'm not really into this
preschool gig.
So don't make a big deal
that I'm here, okay?
You got it, dude.
Hey, everybody,
this is my Uncle Jesse.
(all)
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Hi, rug rats.
I'm Mrs. Manning.
Welcome to preschool,
Uncle Jesse.
[chuckles]
Nice to meet you.
Listen, I'll just, uh,
stay out of your way.
Wake me up for nap time.
Uncle Jesse, you're our
special helper today.
And special helpers
get to join in all the fun.
Oh, no. I'm not really
that experienced
in the special helper field.
I'm really a musician
by trade.
That's perfect,
because today is music day.
Perfect.
Okay, everybody
gather around
the magic carpet.
Pick up your instruments.
Uncle Jesse, you get to sit
in the magic chair.
It'll be magic if I can fit
into this thing.
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughing]
Ha-a-a ha ha ha.
I'm sitting in a magic chair
on the magic carpet
with a munchkin
tabernacle choir.
I feel like a doofus.
Let's play music,
Uncle Doofus.
[scoffing]
Very, very cute.
Never say that again.
Uncle Jesse can
sing like Elvis.
Wonderful.
Why don't you play
the children a song?
Uh, I don't think the king
played a lot of preschools.
He's chicken.
Oh, yeah, like I'm really
gonna respond
to the challenge
of a four year old.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Give me that guitar.
Uncle Jesse..
...Aaron took
my tambourine.
Hey, be cool, man.
There's no stealing
on the magic carpet.
Keep that up, and you'll
end up in magic prison.
Thank you very much.
Alright, here we go.
We'll do a little tune now
about a cat
we all know and love
and he goes by
the name of farmer, okay.
Any guess where he lives.
You guys know where he lives?
Well, you don't. In the dell.
That's where he lives.
The fabulous, crazy,
wacky dell.
That's where he cat lives.
Alright, let's do it
little like this.
[guitar music]
♪ The farmer in the dell ♪
♪ Viva la stereo ♪
♪ The farmer in the dell ♪
♪ The cheese stands alone ♪
♪ Hunk a hunk a stinky cheese ♪
♪ The cheese stands alone ♪♪
- Yay.
- More. More.
- 'Thank you.'
- More. More.
The farmer has left
the building.
Thank you.
[children sobbing]
Ha ha ha.
Uncle Jesse, while I get
ready for puppet time
why don't you hand out
these animal cookies?
Sounds easy enough.
Alright, who wants a cookie?
(all)
Me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Watch the hair.
Alright.
Who was first?
(all)
Me.
Stupid question.
Alright. Alright. Alright.
Here you go.
You get an elephant.
You get a camel.
You get something
with its head missing.
Come on.
Follow me, follow me.
What happened
to my life?
Hey, you ate my elephant.
It's in my tummy now.
[laughs]
Uncle Jesse..
...Aaron ate my elephant.
That's not fair.
Go eat his cookie.
If somebody does something
to you, do it back to him.
- Works for me.
- Hmm.
Here you go. Clean hands.
No, the clean hand.
Give me your cookie.
That was my camel.
It's in my tummy now.
Ha ha ha.
Ow.
Oww.
Ow.
Ow-oww.
- O-o-ow.
What's going on here?
Michelle pinched me.
Michelle, did you pinch Aaron?
Yes, I did.
Wait a minute, Michelle,
did Aaron pinch you first?
Yes, he did.
You both know that
pinching is not allowed.
Uncle Jesse said
to do it back.
Oh, the kid's been
bugging her all morning.
And he called me
Uncle Doofus.
Well, that's not how
we settle things here.
I think both of you
are going to have to sit
in the corner
for time out.
Now, Aaron, over there.
Michelle, over there.
Me? I'm the good one.
Yeah, she's the good one.
Michelle, go.
Uh, you-you call this
justice here?
Kid was just trying
to defend herself.
It's not appropriate
behavior for my classroom.
Hey, teach, I think you've been
spending a little too much time
on the old magic carpet.
There's a real world out there
and these kids have to learn
to stick up for themselves.
They also have to learn
that violence
is not the answer.
Oh, so you're saying
that anybody
can just come up
and eat her elephant?
I want my niece to learn
to stand up for herself.
The punishment stands.
I'm sorry.
- I'm in charge at this school.
- Oh, yeah?
Maybe Michelle shouldn't
be at this school.
Come on, Michelle.
We're out of here.
Kids, say goodbye
to Michelle.
(all)
Bye.
It's great.
- Hi.
- You're back from the dentist
You've gotta try this
Ted Koppel Capellini.
Umm.
I can't.
I had Novocain.
They went, zzz-zzz.
[gurgling]
And then I had
a root canal.
What did he say?
You heard him.
He said he had root ah..
Thanks for clearing that up.
[telephone rings]
I'll get that.
[telephone rings]
Hello?
Oh, hi, ra-ra.
Hu-uuh?
Ha-ha. Uh-huh.
[mumbling]
Uh-huh.
[laughs]
- Hi.
- Hi, Michelle.
Where'd you get
all this stuff?
At the zoo.
I saw lions
and tigers and bears.
Oh, my.
What happened
to preschool?
I quit preschool.
You quit preschool?
Well, she didn't
actually quit.
I kinda pulled her
out of there.
Danny, this preschool thing
is-is way overrated.
Michelle, tell your daddy
what you learned today
in the real world.
A camel can spit.
Hey, one day
you're gonna be glad
I pulled her
out of that place.
How could you do this?
That happens to be
an excellent preschool.
Michelle is getting
an academic foundation
that gonna carry her
through grades K through 12
through college,
to Harvard law school.
Jess, you have robbed
our nation of one of the finest
legal minds the supreme court
has ever known.
I got to go potty.
Danny, I know
that you're upset
but I'm sure that Jesse
had a very good reason
for pulling her
out of preschool.
Yeah, I'm sure.
He's out of his mind.
Tell him, honey.
They were going to make
Michelle sit in the corner.
- And then?
- That's it.
You're right.
He's out of his mind.
You guys weren't there,
this little kid
was bugging her all morning.
I told her to stick up for
herself and the kid pinched her
so she pinched him back,
a real good one, too.
Oh, that's a great lesson.
Oh, it worked
for me as a kid.
An eye for an eye,
a pinch for a pinch.
It's only way you can survive
out there on those streets.
What streets? Michelle's not
allowed out of the backyard.
Hey, I just want the kid to
learn to stand up for herself.
Well, so do I but
that's no reason to pull her
out of school without
consulting me first.
I thought I was living here
to help my nieces.
Those nieces just happen
to be my daughters.
Oh, so what am I?
Just hired help or something?
Okay, I'll go
cook dinner for..
What would you like?
Chicken or pork chops?
I hate to make
such a big decision
without consulting
the king first.
Jess, just cook
whatever you want.
I-I do kind of feel
like chicken, though.
Oh.
Oh, it's childproof.
Joey, I'm freaking out.
Kimmy's horoscope said,
I'd have an unpleasant surprise
and it happened.
Instead of pizza
the cafeteria
served pimento loaf.
It was like eating
baloney with eyes.
[mumbling]
Joey, I can't
understand you.
Hey, wait a second.
"A misunderstanding
will occur at home."
I'm at home.
I'm misunderstanding you.
I'm freaking out again.
[mumbling]
[water splattering]
[mumbling]
[water gushing]
Kimmy, what do you think about
this for next week's editorial?
"Tardiness, are we really late?
Or does class start
just a bit too early?"
What are you doing?
Practicing for
the nerd Olympics?
Kimmy, everything
in your horoscope came true.
Now it says to exercise
extreme caution after dark.
That's why I'm sleeping
with Michelle's night light.
Well, I guess I better
tell you the truth, kid.
I don't know anything
about astrology.
I just copied those horoscopes
out of old newspapers.
You mean, thanks
to this woman
I spent my whole day
freaking out over nothing?
How rude.
Hey, you stole
my clown light.
Michelle, I just needed
to borrow it.
That's mine.
You're in big trouble, mister.
- Ow.
- What's going on in here?
Did you see what
Michelle just did?
No.
Michelle, what did you do?
I did this.
Ow.
Michelle, stop
pinching Stephanie.
You said I could.
No. No.
That was different.
I-I said you could before
because Aaron took your cookie.
Stephanie took my lamp.
Yeah, but in one case, somebody
took something that was yours.
But in the other case,
somebody took something that..
...was yours.
Oh, boy.
Give it back, or you're
getting it again.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
crab girl.
Put away those pinchers.
Come on.
Follow me.
We're going to my room.
I'll be back
for the clown.
Alright, Michelle...
we have to have one
of our world famous talks.
[sighs]
Now...I'm not
very happy about it
but, uh, your Uncle Jesse
was wrong today.
I know.
I'm as shocked as you are.
But I lost my cool today
and I acted like a big jerk.
No problem.
Well, it is a problem.
See, Michelle, when
I was a kid, I used to get
into a lot of fights
and looking back
I kind of realize I handled
those fights all wrong.
Should've led
with my jab, huh.
No.
Just kidding.
Uh, I'm not proud
of those fights.
No problem.
Well, what I should've
said today was
that if you have a problem,
you should try to solve it
with words, like-like
"Knock it off"
or the ever popular
"Buzz off, bucko."
And if that doesn't work
you should try to find
a parent or teacher
to help you.
But absolutely
no hitting or pinching.
Capisce?
Capisce.
No more pinching.
Jess, I called Mrs. Manning
and I straightened
everything out.
Michelle, you're going back
to school tomorrow.
Okay, but it's Saturday.
Make that Monday, then.
Danny, uh, I straightened a few
things out with Michelle.
Michelle, tell your daddy
what you learned today.
Uncle Jesse is a big jerk.
You taught her that?
No. I didn't teach
her that.
Well, actually, yeah.
Yeah, I did teach her that.
But I taught her
no pinching.
That's what
I taught her.
Danny, I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology.
I should've talked to you
about all this stuff
before I turned Michelle
into a preschool dropout.
That's okay, Jess.
I know you were just
trying to protect her.
Well, I just wish there was some
way I could make it up to you.
You know what? There is.
You are a very lucky man.
Because I told the school
you're going to be
the special helper
all next week.
Isn't that good news,
Michelle?
That makes me
very happy.
Come here, honey.
Oh, boy.
You're going to have fun
in preschool next week.
You're gonna play guitar
for the kids
'You know, do one Elvis song
and then you can'
'sit in one of those
little chairs.'
Oh, it's great.
You can paint
with the kids.
[instrumental music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Shooby-do-ba-botta ♪♪