[instrumental music]
♪ Mama's little baby
loves shortnin' shortnin' ♪
♪ Mama's.. ♪♪
Comet, do I got it
or do I got it?
No, you got it.
Uncle Jesse,
I got a owie.
Aww, you got an owie?
Where does it hurt, shorty?
Right here.
I need a big bird.
You need a big bird?
Alright, here we go.
Big bird bandage
to the rescue.
Alright.
Where does it hurt again?
Right here.
Correct me if I'm wrong
but didn't that
owie just jump arms?
Owies are very tricky.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get to livin' here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your dreams so
soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Shooby-do-ba-botta ♪♪
[telephone ringing]
Sit right here,
and I'll get the phone.
Talk to me.
Yeah, hang on.
Joey!
(Joey)
'I'm busy.'
It's your agent!
Three, two, one.
Eddie.
Yeah, what's up?
Uh-huh.
You're kidding!
Hold on.
Jess, great news.
The Aronson chimps
are infested with lice.
But wait.
There's more, see.
There's this big charity
benefit in Las Vegas
and thanks to the lice,
I'm taking the chimps' place.
Just don't
use their comb.
Right.
Eddie? Yeah.
I'll be on the next plane.
Really?
Aw, thanks.
Yes!
Oh, this is, this is
the happiest day of my life.
You guys wanna be alone?
No. You came
at a great time.
Danny, tomorrow night
I'm playing Vegas.
Joey, that's great.
Way to go, dude.
What's Vegas?
Joey, you're playing Vegas.
That's always been your dream.
Not counting the one about
the Charlie's Angels' reunion.
Not only am I making
my Las Vegas debut
but I'm opening
for Wayne Newton.
- Oh, yeah.
- I gotta go pack.
I'll go with you.
Tell me more about Wayne.
Hey, you know,
Wayne knew Elvis.
(Danny)
'Really?'
Hey, what's happening, Michelle?
Joey's opening
a Fig Newton in Vegas.
What did you say?
And the monkeys have lice.
Michelle, I think you're
a little mixed up.
No, I'm very mixed up.
Joey, allow me the pleasure of
folding these for you, okay?
Hey, Joey, are you
going to Las Vegas?
Yep, I'm flying in
for a rehearsal tonight.
Some monkeys got lice, and I'm
opening for Wayne Newton.
Is that what I said?
Hey, dad, could we
go see Joey in Las Vegas?
Please, please, please.
I've never wanted anything more
in my short little life. Please.
- Steph, way too overdramatic.
- You're right.
So, we going
or what?
Let's see, we've seen
the towering Redwoods
and the majestic Grand Canyon.
What the heck,
we might as well go see
the world's largest
slot machine, huh?
Uh, thank you.
This is the big time.
You better call your mom.
I'm sure my mom would love to
come and see me but she can't.
She's goofy.
Joey, that's a terrible thing
to say about your mother.
No, no, I mean, she's really
Goofy, at Disneyworld.
Nah, she,
she wears the big hat
the floppy shoes.
Kids love her.
Okay, so your mom's
in a dog suit?
Why don't you invite your dad,
or is he Ronald McDonald?
You know? It'd be so great
if my dad could come.
You know, the Colonel's
never seen my stand-up act.
Nah, he probably
couldn't make it.
Did I pack my
lucky tube socks?
I've got a great idea.
I love it
when you talk sneaky.
Joey, invite your dad.
I've known you
four years
I still haven't
met the guy yet.
The truth is, ever since
my folks split up
we just don't
get along, okay?
So let's just drop it.
Come on you guys,
this is a big shot for me.
I've gotta focus
on my comedy.
Hey, speaking of that,
maybe this can help you.
I just heard a brand new joke.
It's a great one, okay.
An Eskimo, a Viking,
and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
Wait a minute,
maybe it was a tanning salon.
It doesn't matter.
Anyway, there's this fourth guy.
Or was it Leprechaun?
I don't know.
'I think he was green.
I'm not sure.'
'Anyway, you got the picture.
He's like balding on top.'
He's not home.
It's his answering machine.
Hello,
Colonel Gladstone.
This is Joey Gladstone's
personal secretary
Uh..
Janet...Abdul.
Joey asked me to invite you
to Las Vegas tomorrow night
where he will be appearing
with Wayne Newton.
He really, really, really
wants you to be there.
Stephanie, if I'm his personal
secretary
who the heck are you?
Hello, this is his other
personal secretary.
Uh..
Barbie-Doll
and..
And Bear.
Barbie-Doll-and-Bear.
Thank you, Barbie.
Hope to see you there,
Colonel Gladstone.
Next time, let me do the
talking, Ms. Doll-and-Bear.
Lighten up, Ms. Abdul.
[Elvis Presley singing
"Viva Las Vegas"]
♪ Bright light city
gonna set my soul ♪
♪ Gonna set my soul on fire ♪
♪ Viva Las Vegas
viva Las Vegas ♪♪
Yes.
[laughing]
You guys.
- Joey.
- Wow.
[indistinct chattering]
Let's get a shot
of everybody.
- Hi.
Look at all these people
lined up to see Joey.
I think Wayne Newton may have
a tiny bit to do with it.
Guys, you gotta check this out.
Save our place, please.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Nice ring.
This is it.
This is the shrine to Elvis.
Alright,
this is his jump suit
guitar, a whole statue.
This is great, girls. I remember
the first time I saw Elvis.
Steph, I was your age.
And I'm sitting in the audience.
I feel the energy
and the excitement
and then the music
started, alright..
♪ Bom bom bom bom ♪
♪ Ba-da ♪
Alright and the drums
boom, boom, boom, boom.
The band kicked in..
Dhoom, dhoom, bah, bah-bah.
He did the kneel thing.
Killed me. Bah, bah-bah.
Backwards walk,
always backwards.
Bah-bah, like this, see?
Is he gonna sing
an Elvis song
in front of
all these people?
I see his lip
starting to curl.
Then he got up,
spotlight hit him.
♪ Well, since
my baby left me ♪
♪ I found a new place
to dwell ♪
♪ It's down at the end of lonely
street at Heartbreak Hotel ♪
Everybody sing along.
♪ I get so lonely baby ♪
♪ I get so lonely ♪
♪ I get so lonely
I could die ♪♪
(crowd)
Yeah.
[Danny impersonating Elvis]
Thank you very much, Jesse.
Did you guys hear that?
Of course, I heard it, boy.
I just said it.
Don't be cruel.
[knock on door]
I'll be right there.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
It's a big room.
Joey Gladstone fan club.
- Hey. Come on in, you guys.
- Whoa.
Ooh.
Wow, very impressive.
Big wet bar.
Classy Vegas furniture.
Nice big bowl of bananas?
Those were for the chimps.
How's the crowd out there?
The place is packed.
They were all chanting
"We want Wayne.
We want Wayne."
"Right after Joey.
Right after Joey."
Hey, listen guys,
it's almost show time
and I'm sweating like
an aardvark in a sauna.
I'm gonna go blow-dry my shirt.
I'll be right back.
D.J., should we save
an extra seat
at the table
for Joey's dad?
"Joey's dad?"
Well, it was supposed
to be a surprise.
We left a message for Joey's dad
inviting him to the show.
Girls, you shouldn't have called
Colonel Gladstone
without my permission.
Joey and his dad are
like oil and vinegar.
No, that would be
salad dressing.
They're more like
oil and mayonnaise.
Actually, there is
oil in mayonnaise.
Let me save us an hour.
Joey and his dad
don't get along.
I'm cool, I'm dry
and my chest hair
has never been fluffier.
[knock on door]
I got it. This is
my favorite part, you guys.
This is where the stage
manager comes in and says
"Two minutes till show time,
Mr. Gladstone."
Hello, Joseph.
Dad.
Dad, what are you
doing here?
I got a message
you really, really
really wanted me here.
- He did?
- I thought it was rather cute.
Having your personal
secretaries call.
Now, there was
a Ms. Janet Abdul.
Well, outside of the office
they call me D.J.
And there was
Barbie Doll-and-Bear.
Joseph, I'm getting the feeling
you had no idea I was coming.
- Well, dad, uh..
- It was my idea.
I'm sorry, it was supposed
to be a fun surprise.
Well, you
fun-surprised me.
Uh, dad, you remember
Danny, don't you?
Right, the skinny kid
with the clean shoes.
You were my inspiration, sir.
Spit and polish.
Although here's
a helpful hint
with a little more polish
you can avoid the icky spit.
Thanks, Danny.
Uh, this is my friend
and business partner
Jesse Katsopolis.
Nice to meet you, son.
Put on a tie.
Nice to meet you, sir.
No.
Girls, why don't we let Joey
and his dad get reacquainted?
Let's get to our table
before we miss Joey's show.
But Joey's right here.
Good point, I'll think
of a better excuse on the way.
Dad, this is so great.
I can't believe you're here.
I can't believe
I'm here, either.
Especially, since you
didn't invite me.
Well you can't blame me for
thinking you wouldn't come.
I mean, I've been doing
standup for 11 years
and you've never seen me work.
[scoffs]
You call telling jokes work?
Joseph, you're
a smart young man
you could've gone
to West point.
Done something important
with your life.
What's important to me is what
I'm doing right now, dad.
I'm making people laugh.
I'm running my own
production company.
I'm helping Danny
raise his three kids
and let me tell
you something.
I will never miss one of
their dance recitals
and I'll never miss one
of their soccer games.
That kind of stuff
never mattered to you.
Are you finished?
No.
Dad, you missed
my winning goal
at the junior
hockey tournament.
You never saw me
play the elf
in my third grade
Christmas play.
It is too bad 'cause
I made one heck of an elf.
I was the De Niro
of elves, dad.
Are you finished now?
Yeah.
I gotta admit it felt good
to get that off my chest.
I'm glad your little outburst
made you feel better.
Goodbye, Joseph.
(male #1 on speaker)
'Ladies and gentlemen,
Joey Gladstone.'
[crowd cheering]
[imitating Popeye]
Whoa.
Well, blow me down.
[laughing]
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, come on, now.
Cut it out.
Quit it.
Come on.
Well, quit it.
Come on, now.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is my first time
playing Las Vegas.
Boy, what a town.
In the same night you can
get married, divorced
lose your entire life savings
and still go home happy
because, hey
you had that 19 cent
shrimp cocktail, you know?
[crowd laughing]
Thank you. Oh, come on.
Cut it out. Quit it.
So, let's see,
why am I here?
Uh, oh, comedy. Sorry, I kinda
lost my train of thought.
I just had a long talk
with my dad backstage.
Don't get a chance to see
my dad too much these days.
He was a military man.
It's kinda strange growing up
when your father is a..
...person in the military.
And I remember
when I was 6 months old
he sent me off to booty camp.
That was kind of fun.
Yeah, I learned to crawl
under a barbed wire.
Yeah, that was kinda,
kind of weird.
Had that little
camouflaged diaper.
That was kind of cute.
Yeah, I remember he took us
on our first family vacation.
It was a cross-country trip
and it was a tough march
with that 40-pound pack.
You know, man?
I remember everybody in our
family had to get brush-cuts
even grandma.
'Yeah, that was..'
Boy, poor gram,
she hated playing bingo
with that half-inch
of blue hair, you know?
It was uh..
Yeah.
[crowd cheering]
'Oh, come on, now.
Cut it out. Quit it.'
So, I'm a, I'm a single guy,
which is great, but uh..
[girls cheer]
Thank you.
Oh, come on.
Which is great,
being a single guy
but the only problem is
dealing with other single guys.
Especially cool guys, you know.
The kinda guys
I'm talking about.
Guys who actually
wobble their head
'cause they think
it looks cool.
You know these guys,
if you're in a bar, at a party
any kind of mixed
social environment
these are the guys
walking around like this.
You know, whenever
they recognize somebody
they'd always do that
phony gun-point thing.
It's like..
Hey.
How's it going?
What's that?
I'm slime?
Ha, ha, ha.
[crowd cheering]
'I don't, uh..'
I don't think you realize
I'm wobbling my head right now.
Some guys, you know,
they think they're cool.
They don't seem to have that
head coordination down properly.
They're going up to women like
"Hey, how's it going?"
I was in a bar once,
this guy's head flew right off.
I went, "That is the coolest guy
I've ever seen in my life."
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
'Thank you.'
'Thank you very much,
Las Vegas.'
Remember, if you see me walking
through the casino, I take tips.
Good night, thank you.
'Thank you.'
'Whoa.'
I did a little better
than I thought. Thank you.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Oh.
Wayne Newton.
Joey Gladstone.
Isn't he fantastic?
Everybody.
I also wanna thank you
for filling in
on such short notice.
Now, I must admit
that you're a lot funnier
than the Aronson Chimps.
And uh, and you left the stage
a lot cleaner, too.
I do apologize.
I apologize for all the bananas
in your dressing room.
So with that in mind,
let me say...
♪ Danke Schoen ♪
♪ Joey Danke Schoen ♪
[crowd cheering]
Help me out,
help me out.
♪ Thank you for
all the joy and pain ♪
♪ Danke Schoen
to my new pal Wayne ♪
♪ Hey I'm insane
Wayne you're to blame ♪
♪ Danke Schoen
hey Danke Schoen ♪♪
Ease up.
Ease up. Ease up.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Sorry um..
Sorry, Mr. Newton, sir.
I guess, I got a little carried
away there.
- Don't worry about it.
- Let's take it from the top.
♪ Danke Schoen ♪♪
Let's say goodnight
and a big round of applause.
- Thank you.
- Joey Gladstone.
Thank you, Mr. Newton.
Thank you. Goodnight.
I love you Las Vegas,
thank you.
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music]
An apple juice toast
to my main man and yours
the very lovely
and talented
Joey Gladstone.
We've gotta get her
out of Vegas.
To Joey.
(all)
'Joey.'
Ah, what a night. I finally
played Vegas, I was a big hit.
And I actually sang
on stage with Wayne Newton.
It was quite a night.
- Dad, you're still here?
- May I have a word with my son?
You know, we should celebrate.
After all, this is Las Vegas
the most exciting city
in the world.
There's gotta be a miniature
golf course open somewhere.
Gotta work on that windmill shot
of mine. I'm a little..
- Dad, you saw my show?
- Yes, I did.
You heard all those
jokes I made about you?
Some of them were
actually funny.
- You laughed?
- I will...later.
Right now, we need to talk.
I thought about
what you said earlier.
Even though your mother
and I were divorced
I should've been around more
while you were growing up.
Joseph, it wasn't easy
being stationed
in some godforsaken place
and getting my monthly reports
that you were goofing off
and demonstrating
a complete lack of discipline.
When I came home, I felt you
needed structure and authority.
Not a pal.
- I could've used a pal.
- Me, too.
I think we could've
been great buddies.
After all, you do have
my sense of humor.
Uh, no disrespect
intended, dad
but you aren't exactly
Mr. Funny-pants.
Well, that's not true.
Don't you remember when you
were three and had chicken pox?
We watched cartoons
together for two weeks.
You watched cartoons?
Who do you think taught you
how to do Popeye?
[laughs like Popeye]
Well, blow me down.
I'm really glad
you came tonight, dad.
Me, too, son.
I was proud of you.
Thanks, dad.
You know, I..
...I wish we could've
had this night a long time ago.
Well...maybe we can make
a fresh start now.
I love you, dad.
I love you, too, son.
Come here.
You know, dad,
that Popeye laugh that you did?
It really, it wasn't good.
I mean, it's close.
You just need
a little work, you know
on the "Ha-ka-ka-ka"
on the Adam's apple there.
Ha-ka-ka-ka.
Yeah, then you just
throw in a "Whoa."
- Whoa.
- Ha-ka-ka-ka.
- Yeah, there you go.
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Shooby-do-ba-botta ♪♪