[instrumental music]
- Shorty.
- Yes?
Did you just eat the creamy
middle outta that cookie
and put the two ends
back together?
Yes.
You ate the middle out of every
cookie in this cookie jar?
Next time,
only buy the middles.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get to livin' here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your
dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Shooby-do-ba-botta ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Be right there.
Coming.
- Hey, Cindy.
- Hi.
- Rusty.
- Hi, Danny.
Welcome to the first
annual Tanner family
quality time barbecue.
Oh, thanks for inviting us
even though we're not
officially family.
Cindy, we've been
dating over a month
you dry clean my shorts.
You're family.
Well, here's my, semi-legendary
homemade apple pie.
[inhales]
Oh, I can smell it from here.
I can't wait.
Apparently someone else
couldn't wait, either.
Rusty.
Sorry, mom,
it was a long car ride.
[knock on door]
(D.J.)
'Don't get it.
I've got it.'
- Don't get it. I've got it.
- D.J., what's going on?
It's the paper boy, Ricky.
- How do I look?
- Hungry for love.
Perfect.
- Hi, Ricky.
- Hi.
I'm here to collect
for the paper.
Uh, 3.50, Mr. Tanner.
Okay.
Sorry, Ricky,
all I have is a twenty.
I don't have any change.
That's okay.
Keep it.
Cool.
Uh, what my incredibly
generous daughter means is
keep a dollar and come back
with the rest, okay?
Thanks for trying.
I'll be back.
I'll be here.
I'll see you then.
Toodle-oo.
Toodle-oo?
I'm such a geek.
Mr. and Mrs.
Ricky paper-boy.
Muah, muah, muah.
- Grow up.
- Cindy, isn't this cute?
They're fighting just
like brother and sister.
- Ew.
Hey, mister,
what are you up to now?
Well, I'm just
typing a letter.
And you can
help me deliver it.
Like a mailman.
I'm very busy today.
Well, tell you what,
little lady.
I'll give you..
...this bright,
shiny, new penny.
Don't be cheap,
give me a nickel.
Well, you drive a hard bargain,
but here you go.
Thank you very much.
Okay, now take this letter
into the kitchen
and give it
to your sister.
Now, here is
the fun part.
Tell her it's from Ricky,
the paper boy.
But that's a lie.
Here is another nickel.
You got a deal, dude.
This is gonna
make D.J. crazy.
[laughing]
This is for my sister.
- Who gave this to you?
- I do not lie.
It was Rusty.
But I'm keeping the money.
"I've loved you secretly
for a long time.
"When I see you in the house,
my heart burns with passion.
"I can't live
without your love.
Signed, hot for you."
Ew, gross.
Why did you say
"Ew, gross?"
Because..
...Rusty loves me.
Ew, gross.
If anyone finds out I got a
love letter from that doofus
I'll die.
(Cindy)
'I'll be right back, Danny.'
Oh, hi, Steph. Uh, your dad
wants the air freshener.
In the backyard?
Yeah, he said it doesn't
smell woodsy enough.
That's my dad.
You've gotta love him.
You should.
Cindy, how's the most beautiful
dry cleaner I've ever known?
Joey.
What did you spill?
Uh, ketchup on my shirt,
mustard on my pants.
I gotta stop making
sandwiches in the car.
I'll take it out to my van
so I don't forget.
Cindy, you are the best.
Uh, by the way, I left a little
note in there for you.
It explains everything.
His heart burns
with passion?
He can't live
without my love?
Joey's hot for me?
(Danny)
'Cindy?'
Cin, you've gotta come
smell the backyard.
It's pine-forest fresh.
I-I will, um..
I-I just have to
take out Joey's laundry.
Oh, and it means
nothing to me.
Nothing.
Hi.
I'm taking Joey's
laundry out to my van.
Well..
Thank you for sharing that.
Hi, I'm sorry
I'm late.
Oh, and the Jell-O
didn't gel yet.
Oh, hey, that's okay.
We'll tell everyone
it's lime soup.
Beck, do me a favor.
Take a look at some notes
I made for tomorrow's show.
I'm thinking about some changes
that may affect us both.
Let me know
how you feel, okay?
Sure, I'll look
at 'em right now.
Great, I'll go put out
some soup bowls and croutons
for your Jell-O.
Oh, my God.
Danny can't live
without my love?
If Jesse finds out,
he'll kill Danny.
Hmm...I would have
my own show.
[sighs]
I went to four
different stores
trying to find Danny
low-sodium gherkins.
He's getting dills,
and he's gonna like 'em.
I need a kiss.
I have to hide this.
I've gotta keep him
kissing me.
I know what he likes.
Ooh, I like that.
What are you doing
behind my back?
- Uh, nothing.
- What is it? What is that?
Oh, a...library book.
Wouldn't you know?
Kimmy Gibbler.
[scoffs]
And a month overdue.
Boy, that child
is out of control.
Jess, where have
you been with my pickles?
I've been worried sick.
Where do you think? You sent me
on a wild gherkin chase.
All I could find were dills.
Here, enjoy.
Jess, dills?
My entire menu is based
around the gherkin.
You're just gonna have
to go to Pickle Town.
Danny's trying
to get rid of Jesse
so he can be
alone with me.
Come on.
D-dills, gherkins?
What's the big difference?
Who cares?
I care.
I care deeply.
Jess, I'll go bring
the car around.
As long as you're going to
the store, let me go check
the fridge and see if we need
any other condiments.
Oh, where are you gonna
send me now, mustard city?
Hey, it is right across
from Pickle Town.
Oh, Jesse.
If you're going out, can you
pick me up a copy of Teen Hunk?
It has a
scratch-and-sniff ad
for New Kids On The Block
cologne.
A, I don't buy Teen Hunk.
Two, here.
A little surprise in there
for you, kimbo.
I got two nickels.
What can I buy with this?
A dime.
That's it?
Whoa, baby.
Jesse's hot for me?
And why not?
I'm twice the woman
Becky is.
You better be
nice to me, kid.
If I...marry
your Uncle Jesse
I could be your Aunt Kimmy.
No way, Jose.
I better go glam up
for my man.
Time for a little
gloss and floss.
Jess, what's
taking so long?
Danny wanted me to get
a few more things.
'Oh, I forgot
my sweater.'
- I'll get it.
- Thanks.
A love letter to Becky?
"When I see you
in the house.."
This must be
from Danny or Joey.
I don't believe
this letter.
Me either.
I've gotta
learn to read.
[instrumental music]
Michelle, my dearest
little niece
could you go and ask your daddy
and Joey to come in here please?
It will be my pleasure.
(Rebecca)
'Jess, are you still in there?'
Yeah?
Honey, I-I thought we were
going to the store.
There's been
a change of plans.
Guys.
Does Jesse know Danny
gave me that love letter?
Gentlemen..
I'm gonna find out right now
which of my best friends
is a back-stabbing weasel.
Okay, which one
of my best friends
would like to escort
my fiance to Pickle Town?
Hey, I'll go.
Come on, Becky.
Aha, so Danny's the weasel
who wants my webecca.
Rebecca.
Danny, you've got a million
things to do.
I'll take Becky.
Hmm, maybe Joey's
the real reasel.
Weasel.
- Joey.
- Oh, hi, Cindy.
You wanna take a ride
to the store?
With the man who's trying
to steal me from Danny?
Sorry, I haven't smelled
the backyard yet.
You know what?
This is just stupid.
I'm just gonna call Pickle Town.
They deliver.
30 minutes or less,
or your pickles are free.
Becky, you and I
need to talk.
Hello, Jesse.
What do you want,
Gibbler?
Good, pretend you
don't like me.
Becky will never suspect
you wrote me
that love letter.
Kimmy, you got some
gunk in your eye.
Becky, I just want
you to know that..
...no matter
what happens
I'll always want us
to be friends.
Thanks, Kimmy.
That's very reassuring.
Yeah, that's what
you say now.
Wait till that rock
is on my finger.
I'm gonna learn to read
if it kills me.
This is a "A."
This is a apple.
So what?
Hey, kid. Did you deliver the
letter I wrote to your sister?
- Yes, I did.
- And what happened?
Everything went bananas.
I love it.
You did it, Michelle.
Way to go, kid.
Coochie, coochie, coochie.
You know we make
a great team together.
I've gotta get
a lock for my door.
D.J., you're never
gonna believe this.
Rusty wrote me
a love letter.
- Ew, gross.
- What is he thinking?
He's two years
older than me
and he's a complete
cootie-burger.
I'm gonna go dump him.
Steph, wait a sec.
Maybe I should
talk to him.
It's just possible Rusty might
actually have feelings.
- Nah.
Hey, Steph,
what's up?
How rude.
Rusty, have a seat.
Let's you and I
have a talk.
- Let's talk about love.
- Okay.
Well, I understand that
you're ready for a girlfriend
but in my opinion, you need
a girlfriend who's older.
More mature.
Okay.
(Danny)
'Come on, everybody
in the kitchen.'
Just think about
what I said, okay?
She's all over me.
We'll talk later.
That babe is hot
for the Rustman.
Come on everybody, lend a hand,
it's time for the first annual
Tanner family
quality time barbecue.
Come on, let's go.
Everybody in line.
Oh, this is great,
it's like one big love train.
♪ People round the world
join hands unh ♪
♪ Start a love train
love train ♪♪
Great, I'll be
the caboose.
[imitates train whistle]
Joey, stop.
You wanna be the caboose?
Joey, you're the only one
I can talk to about this.
If Jesse ever found out,
he'd go crazy.
Beck, you can trust me.
I know.
You're so sweet.
Oh, how do I say this?
Joey, sometimes a friend
becomes so close
to another friend
that it turns into love
which wouldn't be so bad
if one of those friends
wasn't engaged to be married.
Joey, is this
making any sense?
Complete sense.
Holy cow.
Becky's in love with me.
What're you guys doing?
Oh, uh, I was
checking her pulse.
Yep.
She's very healthy.
Mmm, boy, those
hot dogs smell good.
Now I know it's Joey.
I'll kill him.
Good thing he doesn't know.
He'd kill me.
[laughing]
Ho.
- Ho ho.
- Ha ha ha.
We need to talk
about this letter.
I know this is a bad time
to bring it up
but I just had
to get it out into the open.
Becky's in love with me?
Why do I have to be
so darned attractive?
Hide the letter.
Jesse's coming.
Here. You don't know me.
You never saw me.
Now go.
Hi, Jess.
I thought it was Joey
but look at that guilty grin.
Maybe it's Danny.
I'll kill both of them,
and sort it out later.
Here's your burger, honey.
Hi, Jesse,
I saved you a seat.
Kimmy, you've got to
do something about
that eye of yours.
I've gotta tell Joey he doesn't
have a chance with me.
- Joey?
- Hi, Cindy.
Just be honest.
You have salad dressing
on your shirt.
Oh, gee, thanks.
Wait, uh, no.
There-there's more.
Really, where?
[chuckles]
No. No.
Joey, sometimes
the wrong people fall in love.
Oh, it's not anybody's fault,
it just happens.
I don't want Danny
to get hurt.
So let's just try to control our
burning passions, alright?
I'll try my best.
Come on, guys.
Time for barbecue fun.
First Becky falls for me,
now Cindy?
Boy, this New Kids On The Block
cologne really works.
Welcome to the first annual
Tanner family
quality time barbecue.
I can't say that enough.
Exactly, what is quality time?
I would define it as
time that we all
get to spend together.
One false move and Rusty
gets a weenie in his ear.
D.J. is such a babe.
Why is Rusty
staring at me?
Do I have something
stuck in my teeth?
What am I getting at
here? Quality..
I've gotta figure out
what to do about
Becky falling in love with me.
It's a good thing
I can ramble on and on
for hours and
hours and...hours.
Look at Danny
babbling on the outside
burning with passion
for me on the inside.
Look at these two weasels.
One can't shut up,
and the other one needs a bib.
I'll be doing mankind
a favor when I kill 'em.
Mrs. Kimmy Katsopolis.
Sounds so geeky.
I'll have him
take my name.
Mr. Jesse Gibbler.
I sure hope Becky and Cindy
don't fight over me right here.
Although it could be fun
if we built a mud pit.
Joey is sweet,
but I like Danny.
Oh, he's such
an eloquent speaker.
♪ Boring ♪
♪ Why is my daddy
so boring ♪♪
Gee, I hope somebody
drops a hamburger.
So, to make
a long story short
let's just sit back,
although be careful
there's no backs
on your chairs.
And relax and enjoy some fun
quality time together.
Daddy, can I take this love
letter off my head now?
Michelle, where did
you get this letter?
Daddy gave it to me.
So you sent
this letter to Rebecca?
Hey, Becky gave
that letter to me.
- What?
- Wait a minute.
- You gave me this letter first.
- Joey, don't just sit there.
You know you wrote
this letter to me.
What letter?
That's the letter
my Jesse sent to me.
Yeah.
Your Jesse?
I got that letter from Rusty.
He's in love with me.
No way. I love D.J.,
and she loves me.
Who are you people,
and where's my real family?
[indistinct arguing]
Hold it.
H-h-hold it. Hold it.
Everybody, just
knock it off.
Now, somebody
wrote that letter
and I wanna know
who it is, right now.
- I know who.
- You do? Who?
- It was Rusty.
- She's lying.
- Rusty.
- Okay, I'm lying.
I wanted D.J. to think it was a
love letter from the paper boy.
You little rat.
[indistinct chattering]
Pretty funny, huh?
I'm glad you can take a joke.
You all can take
a joke, can't you?
You're in big trouble, mister.
- Come here, Rusty.
- Get him.
Rusty, don't run away form me,
young man.
- Hi.
- Hi, Ricky.
Ah, here, I brought
back your dad's change.
Oh, thanks.
So, uh, barbecue?
Yeah. It's kind of a...family
togetherness thing.
Rusty.
- Jesse, he's just a ki--
- No. Let him get him.
Wait for me.
They're just
working up an appetite.
Well, if you're
hungry, dig in.
Great. Thanks.
You know, I really am glad
I came back.
Me, too.
Oh, mylanta.
[instrumental music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Shooby-do-ba-botta ♪♪