[rock music]
Yeah!
[indistinct chatter]
Awesome guitar playing,
young lady.
Yay, Jesse
And The Rippers and Michelle!
- Alright. Any requests?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Yes, the lovely young lady
in the pink ensemble.
Play the "Do Wah Diddy" song.
Okay, we can do that song but we
need a very short backup singer.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Same lady
in the same pink ensemble.
I'm short.
Well, would you do us the honor
and sing with us, please?
It would be my pleasure.
(Jesse)
'Come on down, babe!'
Go. Alright.
I told you, I'm short.
My mistake, sorry.
Alright. There you go.
Alright, Michelle, count us off.
One, two, buckle my shoe.
[rock music]
♪ There she was just a-walkin'
down the street singin' ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪
♪ Snappin' her fingers ♪
♪ And a-shufflin'
in her feet singin' ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪
♪ She looked good ♪
♪ She looked fine ♪
♪ She looked good
looked fine ♪
♪ And I nearly
lost my mind ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪♪
"I'm A Little Teapot."
Hit it, boys.
I said, "Hit it, boys."
♪ I'm a little teapot
short and stout ♪
♪ Here is my handle ♪
♪ Here is my spout ♪
♪ When I get a teapot ♪
♪ Then I shout ♪
♪ Tip me over
and pour me out ♪♪
Yeah!
Rock 'n' roll!
[theme music]
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy ♪
♪ And evenin' TV ♪
♪ But did I get to livin' here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
that knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
there's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doo ba doo-ba bada ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Just, think, Jess. In one week,
we'll be saying I do.
I do what?
Oh, that I do. Right.
Yeah, you remember our wedding?
All our friends will be there.
Wedding cake, there'll be music,
the big square dance,
photographers--
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up.
Did you just say square and
dance in the same sentence?
Oh, did I forget
to mention that?
Well, it's just, uh, my family
always tops off every big bash
with a good
old-fashioned square dance.
You know, a Donaldson tradition.
Yeah, the Katsopolises
have a tradition, too.
Every Christmas my Uncle Nick
tries to balance
a ham on his forehead.
But that doesn't mean
we have to do it at our wedding.
Oh, gee, I love carnivals.
The chili dogs, the fudge,
the cotton candy, the nachos
the rides that go
round and round..
...the cramps, the gas,
the nausea. Excuse me.
- I got a fishy.
- Alright.
And tell 'em how
you won that fishy.
I threw a ball into his bowl.
Good shot.
Yeah, at a quarter to throw it,
it only cost me $18.50.
Congratulations, Michelle,
you got your very first pet.
You're gonna sleep in my bed.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Would you like to sleep
in Michelle's bed, flipper?
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Let's go find him
a fish bowl, come on.
- Okay.
- Where are the girls?
D.J.'s out sayin' goodbye to
a boy she met at the carnival.
You're not out there
watchin' her every move?
Hey, I don't have to spy on D.J.
I told Stephanie to spy on her.
I had a really great day today.
So did I, Bobby.
Stephanie, what're you
still doing here?
Well, Deej, the three of us
were having so much fun
it just wouldn't be
the same without me.
Wow, did you see that '71
Corvette go by?
Overhead cam, dual manifold,
glass packs on the muffler.
Awesome!
Yeah, totally.
- You like cars too?
- Are you kidding? I love cars.
Oh, please!
So, what's your favorite car?
Uh, red.
Oh, you mean the new
red Porsche 911 Turbo.
Yeah, that's the one.
I want a Porsche 911 Turbo
so bad.
All I need
is my driver's license
and $80,000.
Hey, I'll call you tomorrow.
We can talk about cars.
Great. I'll talk to you then.
- Alright, see ya.
- Bye.
Oh, Bobby, I love cars.
Barforama!
Look, how happy
that fish is, Michelle.
He's grinning from gill to gill.
Is it a boy fish
or a girl fish?
Well, what're you
gonna name your fish?
I wanna name you...Martin.
Wow! Then it's a boy fish.
Martin fish.
Sounds like my accountant.
Why did you come up
with the name Martin?
Because that's his name.
Sorry, dumb question.
Now, Michelle, owning a pet
is a big responsibility.
It's gonna be your job
to feed him every single day.
He can have all my vegetables.
Well, it's very generous
of you, Michelle
but I think Martin
prefers fish food.
See, you give him one
little pinch every single day.
And you have to keep
his bowl clean
because just like people,
fish like to be clean.
Pinch of food, keep him clean.
You got it, dude.
Michelle, where're you goin'?
I'm taking Martin for a walk.
First rule of pet care,
Michelle..
...if they don't have legs,
you don't walk 'em.
There's so much to remember.
[instrumental music]
Oh, good, you're not busy.
I've got a surprise for you.
[instrumental dance music]
What in the hee-haw is that?
It's time
for your square dance lesson.
Ha ha. Oh, gosh, you know,
I'd love to sit around
and square dance with you
but I'm very,
very busy right now.
Jess, you're playing
with your hair brushes.
Uh-duh-duh-duh.
I just added a Lazy Susan to my
hair accouterment center
for easy access.
Watch this, you need a comb,
bada-boom. You're right there.
Uncle Jesse, I need you.
Not now, Deej,
he's very busy accoutermenting.
I just need to borrow some
of your car magazines.
Car magazines?
Since, uh, when're you
interested in cars, Deej?
Well, I decided I'm in a rut,
I need a new hobby.
Who's the boy?
Wait a minute,
are you sayin' that just because
she's a girl,
she can't be interested in cars?
His name's Bobby.
He's calling tomorrow
and I told him
I knew everything about cars.
That's cool, Deej.
I always liked it when girls
were interested
in same things I was.
Yeah, but she shouldn't
pretend to like something
just to make someone else happy.
Really?
So I guess that takes me off
the square dancing hook then?
Oh, no.
No, that's different.
You don't have
to pretend you like it.
I don't care if you hate it.
You're still doing it.
Oh, come on.
I'm not gonna square dance..
[indistinct]
You guys sound
like you're married already.
- I'm putting my foot down.
- That's a good start.
Now, you put
your hands on your hips.
You circle your partner.
Come on, honey.
Michelle.
You know, you're not supposed
to be taking a bath by yourself.
I'm not.
Well, I see a full bathtub
with lots of bubbles in it.
An empty fish bowl.
Michelle, where's Martin?
He's taking a bubble bath.
You're giving Martin a bath?
Oh, Martin, buddy, we gotta get
you outta here, pal.
[burbling]
He's almost finished.
Mmm.
I'm keeping him clean.
Yup, he's clean...
as a door nail.
He's not swimming.
No, honey, he's not.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah, he's takin' a nap.
A very long nap.
You fell asleep in the bathtub.
You're a silly fish.
[dramatic music]
What's goin' on, Joey?
Guys, we got a problem.
Now, brace yourselves.
Martin Tanner is dead.
Oh, no, I can't believe this.
The poor..
Who's Martin Tanner?
- Michelle's fish.
- He died already?
Isn't there like a six hour
warranty on those things?
You sure he's dead?
Trust me, I know the difference.
Live fish.
Martin Tanner.
Poor Michelle,
how's she takin' it?
Well, fine for now.
She thinks he's just sleeping.
I didn't have the heart to tell
her that he's never wakin' up.
Well, don't you think
she'll figure it out?
I mean, the thing's probably
floating on top of the bowl.
What do you guys think of maybe
we just put him on
a little rubber raft
and tell her
he's working on his tan.
Joey, either way this fish
is not a fun pet anymore.
I think we better tell Michelle
what really happened to Martin.
Yeah, Danny's right.
Michelle's a big girl.
I think we have to sit
her down and explain
to her the realities
of life and death.
Danny, tell us
how it turns out.
Guys, come with me, please.
Martin, you can sleep
with my pig tonight.
Michelle, honey..
There's something we have
to tell you about Martin.
He's a excellent sleeper.
Uh, no, honey,
Martin isn't sleeping.
I'm afraid he's gone.
No, he's not.
He's right here.
Well, yes, he is here
in the physical sense
but in another sense,
he's...everywhere.
Danny, I don't think they teach
philosophy until kindergarten.
You gotta lay it on the line.
Darlin', I'm sorry
to tell you
but your fishy is d..
De..
The best sleeper in town.
- Joseph.
- Thank you, Jess.
[clears throat]
Michelle, do you remember
that one roadrunner cartoon
where Wile E. Coyote
falls off a cliff
and he kinda hangs
there for a second
and then he goes..
[whistling]
Brrck!
Then he flattens into a pancake
and two little feet pop out
and the pancake walks away
and you hear..
♪ Wop wop wop wop
waa-waa ♪♪
'Not a big help, huh?'
Michelle, honey, I'm sorry,
but Martin is dead.
This is not good news.
But, honey,
no fish live forever.
That's right, Michelle, and the
important thing is to remember
all the happy times that
you and Martin had together.
Like, like the car ride home,
the walk to your room..
Guess that's about it,
isn't it?
Where are you
taking Martin?
We're gonna give him
a proper burial at sea.
Are you going
to the ocean?
Eventually.
Bye-bye, Martin.
Honey, are there any questions
you need to ask
about what happened to Martin?
How did Martin die?
Well, Michelle, Martin
died in the bubble bath.
I put him in there.
Well, when I told you
that fishies like to be clean
just like people
I should've also mentioned that
fishies don't take bubble baths.
Now you tell me.
But, honey, it was
just an accident.
You understand that,
don't you?
Yes, I do.
It's all my fault.
[instrumental music]
Alright, all set.
Come on in, Jess.
We're ready.
It's flying Michelle!
I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm here.
Guess what, Michelle? We have
a very special surprise for you.
A towel?
They're so literal
at this age.
No, it's not a towel.
It's under the towel.
It's your new pet fish!
No, thank you.
Well, come on, Michelle.
Look, the fishy likes you.
He's wagging his tail.
Yeah, His name is Freddy.
He's saying hi to you, Michelle.
[burbling]
Hi, Michelle!
Watch out, Freddy.
I'm big trouble, mister.
Oh, no, sweetheart.
That's not true.
What happened to Martin
was just an accident.
Besides, Freddy doesn't live
in a little plastic fish bowl.
He's in a fish palace.
Look, it's got gravel,
and a filter
and there's my personal favorite
a live-in snail that cleans
the tank three times a week.
I don't want a fish.
Listen, Michelle,
I-I'll tell you what
we'll make Freddy
the family fish, okay?
And, he'll just stay here
right in the kitchen.
And you can just
be his buddy, alright?
Ok, but I'm not
getting too close.
Sweetheart, listen.
There is nothing
to worry about.
That fish is gonna live
a long, long time.
He better stay out
of the bathtub.
That's crazy talk, fish
can live a long, long time.
Those things die if
you look at 'em funny.
Jess, we got
it covered. Joey.
Okay, Deej, how many cylinders
in a classic
1966 Ford Mustang?
I don't know. 200?
Wrong again.
The correct answer is eight.
How many have you
answered wrong so far?
All of 'em.
Ding, ding, ding!
You finally got one right.
Hey, girls, you ready for the
big family square dance lesson?
Becky, I can't
square dance right now.
I'm still cramming for
my phone call with Bobby.
Why did I ever tell him
I knew so much about cars?
Because you're boy-crazy
and you'll do anything
to impress 'em.
D.J., you don't have to pretend
you're a car expert.
I know,
but he's so cute.
D.J., if a boy doesn't like
you for who you are
then he's not worth liking.
[telephone ringing]
That's Bobby.
What should I say?
Just tell him the truth. He'll
respect you for your honesty.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Bobby. Look,
I wanna be honest with you.
I think cars are boring
and they cause pollution
but I know that
won't matter to you because..
Hello?
'Bobby?'
He hung up.
Oops!
Deej, I'm sorry.
That's okay, Becky.
Any guy who hangs up on me
is probably not my type.
Boy, Deej, I'm impressed.
You're taking this
rejection really well.
Well, I'm better off without
him, but he was so cute.
Hi, Freddy.
Don't be afraid.
I'm just going to get a cookie.
I'm not going
to give you a bath.
Okay, now you all
have your partners
and I've showed you what to do.
So let's couple off
and form a square.
I hate to get technical,
but we formed a triangle.
Well, it'll be much more square
when my parents are here.
You ain't kidding.
What?
Oh, I said,
I'll do your bidding.
That's all I ask.
Okay, now, everybody,
just listen to the music
and I'll call out
the instructions.
[instrumental music]
Bow to your partner.
Bow to your corner.
Now, everybody, do-si-do.
'Alright, you're
looking great, everybody!'
♪ And swing your partner
round and round ♪
♪ Lift that girl
right off the ground ♪
[girls hooting]
♪ Now if that woman
starts to roam ♪
♪ Just promenade
that lady home ♪
Take it, Danny!
♪ Now right left grand once
and then once more ♪
♪ Just don't leave scuff
marks on the floor ♪
♪ Now all join hands
and circle right ♪
♪ Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night ♪
- I'm outta here.
- No.
Come on, come on,
back in line here.
Take it, Joey!
♪ Put your left foot in
put your left foot out ♪
♪ Do the hokey-pokey
and you shake it all about ♪
♪ Do the monkey
and the mash potato ♪
♪ Get on the floor
and do the alligator ♪♪
[shouting]
Jesse Katsopolis,
what is that on your face?
- What?
- That's a smile.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No--
- You were enjoying yourself.
- Yes, you were.
- Alright, I was.
This will be fun
at our wedding.
You know, I can't
wait till next week..
...till we're finally
husband and wife.
Have mercy.
Something's happening
to the fishy!
What's goin' on?
I don't know,
but it's not my fault.
(Michelle)
'Hurry up!'
'I said move it, misters!'
- What's the matter?
- What is it?
Ew, little teeny,
tiny thingies
are swimming in there.
All I did is look.
Well, these are baby fish.
(Becky)
'Look how cute they are.'
Huh, looks like
Freddy's a Frieda, huh?
Michelle, it's a good thing
you were watching the tank.
You saw the babies and did
the right thing by telling us.
- I did?
- You sure did.
And now we can take
the mommy fish out
and put her in
a special nursery tank
'so the babies can grow up
strong and healthy.'
I did a good job.
Come on, Frieda.
Get in here.
There must be
25 babies in there.
Can I keep
the babies in my room?
Yes, honey, I think
they'd be very happy there.
You really came
through for those fish.
Yeah. Good job, munchkin.
You're a hero, Michelle.
[all cheering]
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
Can you believe how little
those babies are?
Daddy, where
do babies come from?
You know, why don't we
go back to square dancing
and I'll tell you
about this later, honey?
That sounds good.
Promenading's
a good idea, honey.
Hey, get back here.
Where do babies come from?
I know you know.
♪ Aah aah aah a-a-a-h ♪
[theme music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Doo-ba doo-ba ba da ♪♪