[harmonica music]
Had you seen my piggy?
Your piggy? No. Is he lost?
Yes, I looked everywhere.
Hmm. Well, I'll tell
you what, Michelle.
Whenever I lose a stuffed animal
there's only one thing
that helps me through the night.
I play the blues.
So, I'll tell you what,
I'll get you started
and then you tell me
the story. Here we go.
[harmonica music]
♪ Michelle lost her piggy ♪
♪ Oh where could he be ♪
♪ He's not in my room ♪
♪ I just remembered ♪
♪ I left him in the kitchen ♪
[harmonica music]
♪ My baby done left me ♪
♪ Left me for a pig ♪
♪ He wasn't very smart ♪
♪ But man he must be big ♪
♪ Ye-e-eah ooh ooh yeah ♪♪
Thank you, ladies.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah-h-h ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to living here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's ♪
♪ Confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ And a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Good morning.
- Hey, Danny.
Morning.
Alright, boys
your waffles are ready.
Everybody grab a fork.
It's all-you-can-scrape.
Actually, I'm kind of in
a cereal mood this morning.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah, me too also.
So, Danny, how'd your
blind date go last night?
Mm, not so good.
We played the old
guess-your-age game
and she guessed I was 33.
The nerve of that woman.
You are 33.
So? It's common courtesy to
knock off four or five years.
Maybe she
thought she did.
Danny, come on, you do
have a few gray hairs.
I don't have
any gray hairs.
Sure you do.
There's one, right..
- Ow!
- ...there.
- Wait a minute, I see one.
- Ow!
Oh, look. I found one too.
Ow!
Great, you made your point.
Just leave 'em here.
I might need 'em as plugs
for a hair transplant.
- Hello, people.
- Hey, Michelle.
- Good morning, Michelle.
- Good morning, honey.
Michelle, I wanna
ask you a question.
How old do I look?
Hmm.
Ninety two.
Thank you very, very much.
Wanna hear my graduation song?
Hmm, graduation song again?
Michelle, no offense
but "The Wheels On
The Bus Go Round and Round"
is not exactly the coolest
song in the world.
Hit it.
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
♪ All through the town ♪♪
Everybody!
Uh, Michelle,
why don't you
wait and sing
that song in the car
with the other kids?
Okay.
Thank you, Joey.
No problem, Jess.
It's your day
to drive car pool.
[laughs]
Alright.
Let's go, Michelle.
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
♪ Round and round ♪♪
- 'Bye, sweetheart.'
- 'Bye.'
- Good morning.
- Morning, girls.
D.J., how old do I look?
I don't know.
You're my dad.
You look old.
Hey, Deej, how's your
speech for graduation going?
Well, the speech is fine.
I'm just worried
about speaking
in front of 300 people.
Well, D.J., I'll
tell you what helps me
when I speak in
front of crowds.
I just pretend everybody
is in their underwear.
- Why?
- I don't know.
It's just fun.
- Bye, everyone.
- Bye.
- Why don't I get a graduation?
- Steph, you will.
You're just going from
third grade to fourth grade.
Just?
It so happens I'm going
from lower elementary
into upper elementary.
I'll be playing on a
completely different playground
with no monkey bars.
This is a very big deal.
And nobody cares.
How rude!
Bye, Steph.
Oh, man. I am
really getting old.
D.J.'s graduating junior high,
Michelle's graduating preschool
and Steph is about to go to a
playground with no monkey bars.
Danny, this is
all part of life.
Yeah, pretty soon
the girls will move out
get married, have kids.
Before you know it, you'll
be old, bald and alone.
Well, listen,
have a nice day.
[instrumental music]
One, two. One, two.
And rest.
Oh, gee, what a shame.
I could do this all day.
Sure, Danny.
Well, thank you,
Jerry Jacobs
star of the new home
workout video "Body By Jer."
Now, remember,
the most important thing
is to stretch
after every workout
especially for us older guys.
Right, Danny?
Older? What do you mean?
How old do I look?
Do-do I have
any gray hairs?
I thought I got
them all this morning.
Well, join us tomorrow on
"Wake Up, San Francisco"
as we watch Danny
age gracefully.
Have a good day,
everybody.
- Bye.
And we're clear.
Keith, next time
more makeup under
my eyes, please.
I look tired
or something.
- Great show, Danny.
- Oh, hi, Kirsten.
Thanks again
for letting me
do my college
internship on your show.
But I have to be honest
I was shocked during
that exercise segment.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I haven't done a squat thrust
since grade school.
[chuckling]
I meant when he
called you an older guy.
You can't be more
than, what, 27, 28?
Well, I guess I could be,
but who'd believe it, huh?
He must have said that because
you project such an aura of..
...wisdom and maturity.
Well, not only did
you just nail my age
but you got my aura right on.
You are so cute.
Well, I should
get back to class.
Right.
Well, see you tomorrow.
Kirsten, wait up.
I was just wondering, uh..
...maybe if you weren't
doing anything tonight
you and I could,
like, hang out?
Cool!
Do you like Slaughter?
I'm basically non-violent.
[laughing]
Slaughter, the band.
Oh, of course, I know.
I was just teasing you.
I'm a major Slaughterhead.
Great! I-I have
tickets for tonight.
I'll pick you up after my last
class, and you can be my date.
Awesome.
You know, I-I made the coffee
on the set this morning..
[instrumental music]
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ The wheels on the bus go ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ All through the town ♪♪
Hi, Uncle Jesse!
(all)
Hi, Uncle Jesse!
Hi, rug rats.
Listen, I know I'm a little
early to pick up Michelle.
But I-I'll just wait over
here, quiet as a mouse.
- I won't bother you.
- It's okay.
There's always room
on the magic carpet
for Uncle Jesse.
[children cheering]
Ya-a-ay!
How did you like
our graduation song?
Oh, it's-it's okay
for a song about a bus
with a bunch of wheels
that go round and round.
You said it was not cool.
Alright, I'm busted.
The song's a loser.
Perhaps Uncle Jesse
could teach us a song
that's a winner!
[children cheering]
Ya-a-ay!
No, no, no.
No yay, no yay, no yay.
Uncle Jesse's
a little busy for that.
Just, uh, I don't know,
just pick a cool song.
I bet you don't
know any cool songs.
I know millions of 'em.
Name one.
"Viva Las Vegas."
Never heard of it.
Your uncle is a monkeyhead.
He's not a monkeyhead.
He knows lots of cool songs.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, I do.
No, you don't!
Yes, I do, and I
know millions of 'em.
I'll teach you one right now.
[all cheering]
Ya-a-ay!
Thank you so much
for volunteering.
Well, just call me
Uncle Monkeyhead.
(children)
Uncle Monkeyhead!
Uncle Monkeyhead
is going to help us
with our graduation show.
[children cheering]
Ya-a-ay!
Get the Monkeyhead!
No, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa!
[children shouting]
Watch the monkey hair!
[children shouting]
[instrumental music]
♪ I wanna rock
and roll all night ♪
Huh! Yeah!
♪ And party every day ♪
♪ I wanna whoo
rock and roll all night ♪
[doorbell rings]
♪ And party every day ♪
♪ I wanna rock
and roll all night ♪♪
Hi, Danny.
Cool pants.
Oh, thanks, Kirsten.
I've had 'em for years.
Isn't that a price tag?
Oh.
Oh, yeah, well,
I got a good deal
and I'm darn proud of it.
[both laughing]
Well, let's go
get Slaughterized.
Can I use your bathroom? I've
got to do a quick hair check.
- Check away.
- Okay.
Oh, Danny, my
tickets fell through
but don't worry, I know
an usher who can sneak us in.
Won't we get in trouble?
I-I-I mean, I hope so,
because I live for trouble. Huh!
Ah!
♪ All night whoo ♪
♪ And party every day ♪
♪ I wanna rock
and roll all night ♪
Huh! Huh!
♪ And party every day.. ♪♪
What are you people
doing home so early?
You're supposed to
be out eating dinner.
They don't call it
fast food for nothing.
Dad, aren't you going
out on a date tonight?
And have you
looked in the mirror?
What is this, the third degree?
You're not even
supposed to be here.
You know, since you've
already had dinner
it'd be a great
time for dessert.
And what better place to find
dessert than in the kitchen?
Would you all please
go into the kitchen?
And just help yourselves
to some dessert.
That'd be really
great. Thank you.
Hi, everybody.
(all)
Hi.
Are you here
to play with D.J.?
Um...no, Michelle.
She's-she's here
to play with me.
Everybody, this is, uh..
...this is Kirsten..
...my date.
Where are you taking her?
Chuck E. Cheese?
[instrumental music]
Danny and I are sneaking
into the Slaughter concert.
Dad, you're gonna
go see Slaughter?
Oh, you're so lucky.
So, Danny, what's your
favorite Slaughter song?
Uh..
...I like their
early stuff.
Nice try, Mr. T.,
but they only have one album.
I meant early on their album,
first side, first cut.
D.J., why don't you take
Kimmy up to your room
and go work on your
graduation speech?
- Okay.
And, Michelle,
why don't you go
work on your
graduation song?
Okay.
And, Steph, why
don't you go, uh..
I'll go upstairs and think
about how everyone else
gets a graduation
and I get diddly-squat.
Well, I guess we
better be jammin'.
[imitating Walter Brennan]
Yeah, well, you kids
run along now and..
...by gosh...have fun.
And-and by golly,
don't stay out too late.
Hey! Great Ronald Reagan.
That's, uh, Walter Brennan.
Oh, well, anyway,
we won't be out late.
I have to be back at
the sorority house by 12:30.
Oh, well, in that case, Danny,
your curfew's extended to 12:45.
Wow. On a school night.
Gee, thanks.
Well, those guys
love to kid around.
I'll get you for this.
Reagan?
[instrumental music]
So this is
a preschool graduation.
Did I mention that
I never got one?
I never got a kindergarten
graduation either.
Well, the important thing
is you're not bitter.
Welcome to the Meadow Crest
Preschool Graduation.
Today's program was put
together by Jesse Katsopolis.
Thank you.
And now let's bring on
our proud grads, shall we?
[instrumental music]
Did I mention I
never got a robe
or a flat hat?
Over here, Michelle.
Don't these kids
look great, huh?
Alright, kids, go get
ready. Go get ready.
Alright, alright.
Alright, welcome,
parents and friends.
This year our kids have
learned about sharing.
They've learned about
respect, and most importantly
they've learned not
to put their mouths
on the drinking fountain.
And now we'd like to show
you how our year in preschool
have made our grads
a little older, a little wiser
and, thanks to me,
definitely a lot hipper.
Here they are,
Jesse's Little Rippers!
[upbeat music]
(Jesse)
'Shake it up!'
♪ Shake it up baby ♪
♪ Twist and shout ♪
♪ Come on baby ♪
♪ Come on, baby ♪
♪ Work it on out ♪
♪ Work it out ♪
♪ You look so good ♪
♪ You got me goin' ♪
♪ Like I knew you would ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪♪
[high-pitched screaming]
[audience applauding]
Now I present the class of 1991.
- 'Yay.'
[audience clapping]
Yay!
[rock music]
Steph, get in
here, please.
What is it?
Stephanie Judith Tanner
this is your
graduation ceremony.
[humming "Pomp
And Circumstance"]
It's a dream come true.
How did you ever
know I wanted this?
First, we present to you
this graduation trophy.
- This is a bowling trophy.
- Yes.
That man is proudly
bowling his way
into the fourth grade.
And there's more.
Are these bowling shoes?
Open 'em up
and find out.
Wow! My first pair
of high heels!
Thanks, everybody.
- You're welcome, honey.
- You're welcome.
[heavy metal music]
What the heck is that? D.J.!
[heavy metal music]
Young lady, you are not
the only one in this house.
[gasps]
Kirsten.
[laughing]
Whoa, Danny!
You sounded
just like my dad.
I did?
Well, maybe that's
because I am a dad.
And that's how dads sound
when they talk to kids.
I just came by early
to give D.J. this tape.
I thought you and I could get
some pizza before the dance.
Deej, can I talk to
Kirsten for a minute?
Sure, I'll go
work on my speech.
Kirsten, you have to tell me
where you buy your clothes.
Hey, next time I go
shopping, we'll go together.
This is great! I finally
have a friend with a car.
[laughing]
Look, uh, Kirsten, um..
...I want you to know
that I really think
you're a wonderful girl.
I mean, woman.
I mean, person.
But...look, uh,
you're 21 and I'm 33..
Are you trying to say you
don't wanna see me again?
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
Yes.
Age doesn't matter.
I really like you a lot.
I like you too.
But I haven't been
completely honest with you.
I'm not really
a Slaughterhead
and I hated sneaking
into that concert.
I mailed them
a check today.
[chuckling]
The truth is, you and I, we
have very different interests.
I was hoping you'd understand
and we could still be friends.
I'd like that too.
But...before
we're just friends..
Bye, Danny.
[sobbing]
♪ Young girl ♪
♪ Get out of my mind ♪
♪ My love for you
is way out of line ♪
♪ Better run girl ♪
♪ You're much too young girl ♪♪
Dad, are you going through
some kind of crisis?
Mini-crisis, but,
uh, I'll be fine.
[chuckles]
Well, look at you
in your cap and gown.
I can't believe my little
baby's finally graduating.
Well, not till tomorrow.
I'm just practicing
reading my speech
with a tassel in my face.
- Do you wanna hear it?
- Sure, honey.
"Today, as we say goodbye
to Van Atta Junior High
"we realize that everything
up until now has been
"but preparation for the future.
"Finally, we're ready
to enter high school
"and our lives
are about to begin.
What do you think so far?
Well...I'm just curious
but what about
the last 14 years?
It sounds like
you're saying your life
hasn't even started yet.
Well, it hasn't.
But when I get into high school
I get to go out on dates,
stay up really late
backpack across Europe
with my boyfriend--
Wa-wait a minute. We'll-we'll
fight about that part later.
My point is...don't miss out
on what's happening right now
just 'cause you're waiting for
something better to come along.
You-you can't
live for the future
just like you can't
live in the past.
Well, I'm not
living in the past.
Oh, I know you're
not...but I was.
I was trying to
pretend I was 21 again.
That was pretty silly, huh?
Well, I have to admit Kimmy
and I were laughing at you
in those neon pants for hours.
Dad, check out these heels.
You can't believe
how cool it is up here.
They're beautiful, honey.
[sniffing]
Do I smell chocolate ca-a-ake?
Yes, you do.
Weren't you in your
bed sound asleep?
My nose woke me up.
Get over here.
Oh.
You know, girls,
I may not be 21 anymore
but 33 is feeling
pretty good right now.
Can life be any
better than this?
It would be better if I
had some chocolate cake.
[laughing]
Okay, I just happen to have
an entire cake here.
[instrumental music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪