D.J.! D.J.! D.J.! Wake up.
It's Saturday morning.
I'm sleeping.
Then why are you talking?
I'm talking in my sleep.
Goodnight.
You're missing
"Road Runner" cartoon.
Meep meep meep!
Hey, Looney Tune.
Hey, cut the meeping.
Michelle, when you
reach a certain age
you're just too mature
to waste your Saturday mornings
watching cartoons.
Michelle, quick. You're missing
"The Road Runner."
Wile E Coyote
just ran off a cliff
and he's standing in mid-air.
Now, come on, let's go,
because as soon as he looks down
you know it's gonna be..
[whistling]
How come he doesn't fall
until he looks down?
Because that's how
cartoon gravity works.
- Now, come on, let's go.
- Meep meep meep!
Oh, well, I'm up.
Meep meep...meep.
[theme music]
♪ What ever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to living here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's confusing me
♪
♪ With clouds as mean as you've
ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a place ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there and
you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪♪
Hey, Michelle,
look who came over to play.
- Hi, Teddy.
- Hi, Michelle.
So what are you two crazy kids
up to? A little tea party?
We're gonna play "Terminator 2."
[imitates Arnold Schwarzenegger]
Oh, no problemo.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Consider that a divorce.
I'm the party pooper.
[laughing]
I'll be back.
Let's play "House."
Okay, I'll be the daddy.
I'll be Uncle Jesse.
Uncle Jesse?
You should be the mommy.
I don't know how
to be the mommy.
- Why not?
- I don't have a mommy.
You should get one.
Mommies use fabric softener
on your pajamas.
My daddy does that.
Mommies always have
good candy in their purse.
My daddy has Wet-Naps
in his wallet.
Mommies smell nice
and wear pretty dresses.
You got me there.
It's too bad
you don't have a mommy.
You're missing something good.
Yeah, you're right.
I need a mommy.
Dad, just to save you
some more cleaning
what's the capital
of Ecuador?
Steph, wouldn't it be better if
you just looked it up yourself
instead of me telling you?
You don't know, do you?
Not a clue.
Dad, I have to write
a paper about
what it's like being
another person.
So guess what I'm doing.
I'm gonna live in someone else's
house for two days
and someone else
is gonna live here.
That sounds like a neat idea.
So, uh, who's gonna live here?
Hola, Mr. T.
Dad, do something.
She's got luggage.
God save us all.
Dad, it's for school.
Every good grade
helps me get into college.
You know, a good education
is highly overrated.
Just relax. You guys
are gonna have a great time
because Kimmy's
not really Kimmy.
Kimmy's gonna be me.
And I'm not gonna be me anymore
because I'm gonna be Kimmy.
Am I going too fast, Mr. T?
I want my little girl back.
Don't look at me.
She's right here.
Okay, look..
I suppose we can
give this a try
as long as you can
behave like D.J.
Well, there are
a few slight differences.
I don't do housework, homework
or anything else
with "work" in it.
Well, enjoy the new me.
Adios, Tanneritos.
- Bye.
So what do we do now?
You people like to hug,
don't you?
- Hey, guys.
- 'Hey, Jess.'
- 'Hi, honey.'
- Can you believe it?
"Jesse And The Rippers"
got turned down
by another record company.
They said our image is too soft.
Where do those jerks
get off calling me soft?
I'm as tough as anybody.
- Oh, hello in there.
- Hello.
How are my little
twinsie-winsies?
Did I just say
twinsie-winsies?
Yessie-wessie, Jesse.
They're right. I'm a wuss.
Beck, what am I gonna do?
I have a showcase tomorrow night
for another record company.
Well, you and Joey
used to be in advertising.
Why don't you get
the old team back together
and come up with a bad image.
What's this bonehead know
about being bad?
He watches cartoons all day.
Are you trying to tell me that
the Tasmanian Devil isn't bad?
What does he do?
Oh, it just so happens
he spins around and slobbers.
[imitating Tasmanian Devil]
You're an idiot,
but I'm desperate.
- Let's go.
- Idiot? Bye, Becky.
Aunt Becky, can we talk?
Sure, sweetheart.
What do you wanna talk about?
How do I get a mommy?
Um, well, first your daddy
needs to fall in love
with a nice lady.
How do you fall in love?
Well, I fell in love
with your Uncle Jesse
over a candlelight dinner
with flowers and soft music.
Oh, it was very romantic.
Was there kissing?
- Yes, there was.
- Ooh!
Oh, it was just a little
goodnight kiss
that lasted three hours.
How come nobody kisses my daddy?
Well, that's a good question.
I don't know. I mean,
your daddy's a great guy.
Okay, so he spends
all his time cleaning
and he talks too much,
especially about himself.
All your daddy needs to do
is find a nice lady
who's a good listener,
and who needs a housekeeper.
Now, I'm sure that
she's out there somewhere.
And when he finds her,
he'll fall in love
and then you'll
have a new mommy.
Do you understand?
Yes, I do.
My daddy needs help.
What it's like to be
D.J. Tanner. Day one.
I'm about to discover the joy
of having a little sister.
Hey, squirt,
get me two donuts, pronto.
In your dreams.
Don't you get it, kid?
I'm the big sister.
I gave you a direct order,
now snap to it.
Excuse me, Comet.
Gibbler, let me tell you
how this "sister" thing works.
You're a pain in my neck,
and I'm a pain in yours.
It's a jungle in here.
So if you want a donut, you
march your little bird legs
down to the kitchen,
and get it yourself.
Go ahead, I'll time ya.
Ready. Go. Go.
You're losing time.
Comet, there goes one human
you're smarter than.
Jess, it's macho,
it's tough.
It's that hard-edge
rock 'n' roll image
we've been looking for.
- I love it.
- I hate it.
Come on, Jess.
It's totally Nelson.
Ah!
I look like Cousin Itt.
Joey, think more
on the lines of, uh..
like-like White Snake
and Ratt and Poison.
Groups like that.
I mean, I need something
that's gonna grab
the audience by their throat
and just rip it apart.
Okay, hold on.
I'm getting something, uh..
What are those birds that swoop
down that everyone's afraid of?
Pigeons?
No. Bigger, darker, scarier!
[snaps]
I got it.
You are Vulture.
- Vulture, I like it.
- 'Yeah?'
It's dark. It's vicious.
It's kind of like a buzzard,
but it's got better hair.
Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen,
cover your heads.
Hide your dead
and bandage your open wounds.
- Yeah.
- Here comes Vulture.
[squawking]
Come on, do it. Do it. Vulture.
[screeching]
Scarier.
Darker.
More tongue.
Alright, now, children
it's time to put away
your crayons
and clean up your desks.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Oh, yes, Michelle.
- I got crayon on my desk.
- Oh, that's alright.
A little cleanser
will clean that right up.
Do you like to clean?
Oh, yes. I always say,
"A clean room is a happy room."
My daddy says that too.
[school bell ringing]
Alright, another day
without an injury.
- Oh, hi.
- Jason!
Brandon T, and Brandon L,
here are your moms.
Oh, and there's Michelle's dad.
Hi, Michelle.
Daddy, guess what.
Guess what.
- Guess what.
- What? What? What?
Miss Wiltrout said,
"A clean room is a happy room."
Sounds like my kind of teacher.
That is very good news.
- Hello, Mr. Tanner.
- Nice to see you again.
I'll let you two talk.
[chuckles]
So how's Michelle doing?
Well, she did very well
in art class today.
Uh, unfortunately, most of it
wound up on her desk.
Mm. Well, do you mind
if I just take this
whole thing home
and hang it on the
refrigerator?
I got a secret.
What? Tell me.
My daddy and Miss Wiltrout
are gonna fall in love.
They are not.
They are too.
I'm getting a new mommy.
Our teacher's gonna be
your new mommy?
Watch this.
You know, if you buff these
desks with a cheesecloth
I think it will bring out
the natural luster
of the Formica for ya.
- I'll make a note of that.
- Right.
Daddy, can Miss Wiltrout
eat at our house?
Well, sure, I guess
if Miss Wiltrout's
looking for someplace to eat
we'd love to have her over.
How about lunch tomorrow?
Well, lunch sounds lovely.
Perfect. It's a date then.
Yes.
Hey, little sis..
You know what I learned from
trading places with D.J.?
There's no one
I'd rather be than me.
Except maybe Madonna,
because she's really rich.
Or maybe Julia Roberts.
People say I look just like her.
'Kimmy, I'm in the closet.
I've closed the door.'
'Does that mean
anything to you?'
Yeah, I should talk louder.
- Oh, amigo.
- Hey, I like your outfit.
You should, it's yours.
D.J., you're back.
What have the Gibblers
done to you?
Nothing. I'm just trying to get
the total Kimmy experience.
Now, back off, squirt. I just
came back to get my skates.
You didn't tell me it was roller
derby night at your house.
It's me and your dad versus
your mom and your brother
in the ultimate
grudge-match race.
No holds barred, no time limit.
Watch out for my mom. She hides
an eggbeater in her pants.
Got it. You know, Kimmy,
it's kind of fun being you.
Hey, Mr. T,
pretty sharp sweater.
Not.
[rock music]
Hey, hey, totally
stony dog collar. Alright.
Wow, Danny, you really fit in.
That Mister Rogers sweater
didn't give you away at all.
Hey, man, I know you dudes.
Wait till you see
the special effects I rigged.
The guys from the record company
are gonna be totally stoked.
Hey, bogus sweater, dude.
Oh, thanks, man.
It's machine washable.
- Alright.
Whoa, I gotta go start the show.
- Peace, hippies.
- Peace, baby.
(male announcer)
'The Smash Club presents'
'the world premiere of Vulture.'
[squawking]
(Jesse)
One, two..
One, two, three!
Ha ha ha!
[rock music]
Hey, get me down.
It's stuck. Just sing,
I'll fix it.
♪ I wanna rock ♪
♪ He wants to rock ♪
Joey, get me down.
♪ Joey, get him down ♪
You're dead meat.
♪ He's dead meat ♪
- What are you doing?
- Here, hold him for a second.
- Just--
- Hey, I'm tryin' to play.
- Get me down!
- Be careful, sweetheart.
- Keep singing, they love you.
- What?
Keep singing, they love you.
[Jesse screaming]
(Jesse)
Hey. One, two, three, four!
- Way to go, sweetheart!
- Yeah!
(Jesse)
Thank you. Thank you.
Rock 'n' roll, everybody.
Vulture lives.
Oh, come on, Jess, talk to me.
Vulture wasn't that bad.
And the firemen were happy
to get you down. It's their job.
Thanks to you, I got
rock 'n' roll's biggest wedgie.
Okay, you don't wanna fly?
You could always burrow up
from under the stage
and be The Gopher.
[imitating Gopher]
He he he.
The Gopher.
Oh, there's a real tough image.
Hey, ask any gardener
who he fears the most.
And if you remember back to the
movie "Caddyshack," you know..
You kill those little
varmints and, uh..
you know, they always
come back and, uh..
you know, it's, uh,
kind of a Cinderella story
you know, so I got
that going for me
which, you know,
it's a plus.
And this whole thing
was just a big mistake.
I'm going back to being
"Jesse And The Rippers."
Okay, I'm gonna find some
record company out there
who wants me for me.
And if not, you can always
make a living
playing Peter Pan.
[doorbell dings]
Daddy, my teacher's here.
Hurry up!
I'm coming, Michelle.
Here. Women love flowers.
Well, that's very sweet of you.
Mwah!
Wait a minute.
You look very handsome.
Well, thank you very much.
Now, be nice and don't talk
about yourself.
Michelle, I do not
talk about myself.
Okay, maybe I do
just a little bit
but that's because
when I was five
I didn't really
have any friends--
Daddy!
Okay, you're right.
I'll, uh, I'll do my best.
- Well, here I am.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- Good.
Hello, Michelle.
- These are for you.
- Oh. Dandelions, my favorite.
Daddy is the nicest man
in the whole world.
Well, I don't know if I'm the
nicest man in the whole world.
Although some people think
I might be the cleanest.
In fact, in high school,
I founded the FJA.
Future Janitors of America.
[blows raspberry]
Well, enough about me.
Why don't we go eat some lunch?
Ah!
This way, please.
Oh, look at that. Michelle set
the table all by herself.
Oh, it looks very pretty.
There's no candles because
I can't play with matches.
Isn't he a gentleman?
Yes. He gets a gold star
for good manners.
And she also made lunch
all by herself.
What do we have here?
We have peanut butter,
and jelly, and milk.
Oh, sweetheart, there's, uh,
only one glass of milk here.
I know.
Now, you could share.
Have a nice lunch.
Michelle, aren't
you gonna eat with us?
You need to be alone.
[music on radio]
♪ A ♪
♪ You're adorable ♪
♪ B ♪
♪ You're so beautiful ♪
♪ C ♪
♪ You're a cutie ♪
♪ Full of charms ♪
♪ D ♪
♪ You're delightfull ♪
♪ E ♪
♪ You're excitful ♪♪
She sure went to a lot of
trouble for this.
You know, she-she's really doing
very well in school.
You don't need to
suck up like this.
Hey, uh, we Tanners
are not suck-ups.
Goody two-shoes maybe,
but not suck-ups.
Well, maybe she just wants us
to be very good friends.
I guess.
Bon appetit.
Are you in love yet?
[coughing]
Oh, dear. Here, here.
Arms up. Arms way..
Have a sip of milk.
Mm. Good boy.
That's a good boy.
Thank you.
Michelle..
What did you just say?
I said, are you in love yet?
Michelle..
[sighs]
we're just friends.
Then you better start kissing.
Your-your teacher and I
are-are not going to kiss
and we're not
gonna fall in love.
Now, I'll never get a new mommy.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, I had no idea this
is was what she had in mind.
I better talk to her.
Will you excuse me for a moment?
- Oh, yes. Yes, of course.
- Thanks.
Oh.
[knock on door]
Come in.
- Hi, Michelle.
- Hi, daddy.
I think we have to talk.
I think we'd better.
[exhales]
I'm sorry you went
to so much trouble today.
I wish I had a mommy.
Well, I know you don't
remember, but..
...you had
a wonderful mommy.
And she loved you
very, very much.
It's no fair. All the
other kids have mommies.
Well, I know it might seem like
everybody else has a mommy..
...but, honey, the truth is
some people just have a mommy
or they just have a daddy
or a grandma, or a grandpa,
or an aunt and uncle.
There's all different
kinds of families.
- Really?
- Yeah.
What makes a family..
...is when you have people
who take care of one another..
...and love each other.
You have a very special family.
You have a daddy,
and an Uncle Jesse
and an Aunt Becky, and a Joey.
I bet nobody
in school has a Joey.
[laughing]
That's a pretty safe bet.
So you see, in a way,
you and your sisters
you're pretty lucky.
Because you have four people
who care about you
and love you very, very much.
I love you very, very much.
I love you too.
Come on, let's go have lunch
with your teacher, okay?
Will I ever get a new mommy?
- Well, I hope so.
- Have you met the school nurse?
She's very hot.
Really? How hot is she?
What color hair does she have?
- Hot pink.
[theme music]