♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get to livin' here?
Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
that's inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ there's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there and you're all alone ♪
♪ A life is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
Wow, here's
something interesting.
"Genius pigeon
graduates college."
Joey, how can
you read that junk?
Oh, my God. He went
to the same school I did.
Attention all family members.
Report to
the kitchen immediately.
Training camp is about to begin.
Don't try to make a run for it.
I've got the house
completely surrounded.
Move it, move it, move it.
- Hut, hut, hut. Let's go.
- What's going on?
- What's wrong?
- Attention.
As you were.
God, I love
the sound of my own voice.
As you all know, this weekend
Tanners from all across
this great country of ours
are gathering at Lake Pollock
for a fun
family reunion and picnic.
First we're gonna hug them,
then we're gonna kiss them..
And then once
those picnic games begin..
...we are gonna
kick some Tanner behind.
Michelle..
You will be with Uncle Jesse
in the balloon relay race.
Alright. We're gonna
kick some Tanner behinds.
Where does she get this stuff?
Okay, DJ and Steph..
You two will be tied together
in the three-legged race.
We won't let you down, dad.
Deej, we've gotta practice.
From now until the picnic
we'll spend day
and night tied together.
Sounds like a dream come true.
Someone needs to work
on her team spirit.
Joey!
As the only winner
from our family last year..
We are counting on you
to repeat as champion
in the pie-eating contest.
I am the world's
greatest pie-eater.
Nobody can touch me.
Aunt Phyllis,
if you're out there
doing your needlepoint,
know this..
...I will destroy you!
Okay, man.
You can pump up with these.
- Get practicing.
- Alright.
Who wants to spar
with the champ?
I need a little
competition here.
Oh, blueberry.
I'll try.
Okay, assume the position.
And, go!
Come on, come on, come on.
- Come on, Aunt Becky.
- Come on, Uncle Joey.
Come on, come on, come on.
[all screaming excitedly]
Faster! Come on, faster, guys!
Beat Aunt Becky!
Becky's gaining on you, Joey!
Come on!
Go!
Did we run out of forks?
Hi, honey.
Be with you in a jiff.
It's okay. I'll just
stay here and snack.
- Finished.
- We have a new champion.
- Great.
- Yes.
Hey, man, no fair.
She's having twins.
She's eating for three.
Besides, I think I had
a blueberry up my nose.
This is all very fascinating
but I wanna
tell you guys something.
I just met with
a new record company, and they
heard my music,
and they loved it.
- Oh, honey, that's great.
- Good for you.
It's not a done deal yet.
They said they'd
give me a record contract
if I come up with
one great hit song.
I got very big news.
You're my partner
in the balloon race.
Oh, yeah.
That's right, at the picnic.
- Let's practice right now.
- Alright, we will, I promise.
But right now
I'm gonna go downstairs
and I'm gonna write
the greatest song ever written.
Just give me 10 minutes.
That is the kind of
groundless confidence we need
to win that
Tanner family trophy.
Because..
We are the bay area Tanners
and we are gonna win, alright?
Aunt Phyllis, you are dead meat.
Come on, Deej,
we have to practice
for the three-legged race.
Steph, can't you
see that I'm busy?
Dad, DJ's not
showing any team spirit!
Alright, alright,
let's get this over with.
Okay, now tie it up real tight
so it won't fall off.
Now, we have to practice
day and night, night and day..
...until we have
it perfect, so we can win.
Okay.
Okay, now let's practice
walking first. Ready, go.
[telephone ringing]
That's my phone.
I bet it's Ben Andrews.
He's unbelievably hot.
I can't get this knot out.
Ben, don't hang up.
Steph, you're coming with me.
But we have to practice.
We'll practice going upstairs.
Come on.
Inside, outside, inside,
outside.
Ben, don't hang up.
Keep ringing. Keep ringing.
Come on, hurry.
Inside, outside, inside,
outside, inside, outside.
I'm coming, Ben. I'm coming.
Keep ringing. Keep ringing.
Keep ringing.
Keep ringing. Keep ringing.
Hello?
- It's for you.
- Thanks.
I gave your number out
for emergencies.
Hello. Oh, hi, Eric.
♪ I'm looking ♪
♪ At three-day-old pizza crust ♪
♪ I'll give it to Joey
he'll eat anything.. ♪♪
Guess what time it is.
Time for me
to write a decent song.
Nope. It's time to practice.
You need to walk like this..
Waddle, waddle,
waddle, waddle waddle.
Thank you, Michelle.
Now let me get back
to my tune here.
You gotta practice too, partner.
Alright, give me that.
Waddle, waddle, waddle.
Waddle, waddle,
waddle, waddle.
There. Now take off.
I gotta get back to my music.
- Can I hear it?
- Well, alright.
It's not really finished yet,
but it, uh, starts like this..
Then I do, like, a verse,
then a chorus and a..
A real nice bridge and then I,
then I do another chorus
and it ends like this..
- What do you think?
- You got nothing.
Tell me about it.
Write a song like this.
♪ Five little speckled frogs
sitting on a hollow log ♪
♪ Eating some most
delicious bugs yum yum ♪
Thank you, Michelle.
♪ Where it was nice and cool ♪
♪ Now there are four speckled
frogs ribbit ribbit ♪
I'm inspired now.
♪ Sitting on a hollow log ♪
♪ Eating some most
delicious bugs yum yum ♪
♪ One jumped into the pool
where it was nice and cool ♪
♪ Now there are three speckled
frogs ribbit ribbit ♪
♪ Three little
speckled frogs-- ♪♪
Enough!
Joey, I hope you have a good
reason for interrupting me.
I sure do.
Check this out, Jess.
Another Elvis sighting.
This time they
spotted him in Portland
playing miniature golf
with bigfoot.
Hi, honey.
- How's the song going?
- Oh, terrific. Great.
He gots nothing.
I got nothing because
I got no privacy here.
Can you people just
please leave me alone?
Okay, Mr. Cranky Pants.
Out.
You don't want me to leave too?
Uh-huh.
After I waddled down here
to bring you this snack?
Mm-hmm.
Well, honey, don't
take this the wrong way, but..
Thank you.
Uncle Jesse, I have an idea.
You should write a song
about a turtle and a duck.
Thank you, Michelle. Run along.
A turtle and a duck.
♪ Oh there was
a turtle and a duck.. ♪♪
Let's go, people.
It's picnic time.
Move it, move it, move it.
Oh, I am so proud of you girls.
You've mastered
the three-legged walk so well.
It's as if you're not
even tied together.
- We're not.
- Stop talking when I talk.
Becky, I just want you
to know that I've entered
the pie-eating contest
as a wild-card entry.
Joey, you don't stand a chance.
Of course I do.
I've switched to
the Tasmanian devil technique.
Now, when I see that pie,
it's gonna be like..
[grunting]
Hola, fellow picnickers.
My bag's in the van
and I'm ready for action, coach.
Uh, Kimmy, uh..
As much as we'd love
to have you along on this trip
there's just no room
in the van, and besides..
You gotta belong
to the Tanner family.
But I am a member
of the Tanner family.
At least that's what
my parents keep telling me.
Everybody, I gotta talk to you.
Yay, Uncle Jesse's here!
Michelle, I think we've
had enough bullhorn, okay?
Alright, everybody into
the van. Get the luggage.
Move it, move it, move it.
Here, Uncle Jesse,
wear your t-shirt.
It's a poly-cotton blend.
Dad said it wouldn't shrink,
but I think it's just cheaper.
This is what I gotta
talk to you about.
I've been up for four days, I
can't come up with a decent song
so I'm gonna pass on this picnic
thing and stay home and work.
- What? Why?
- What do you mean?
Well, look on
the bright side, Tanners.
Now there's room
in the van for me.
Jess, we need
you now more than ever.
Yeah, it's just not
the same without you.
Yeah, you've gotta go.
Come on, honey,
it'll be good for you.
Yeah, sure. Relax, take your
mind off your work for a while--
I wanna keep my mind on my work.
Don't you guys understand?
It's my one shot
at a record deal.
But you're my partner
in the balloon race.
- Well, get another partner.
- But you promised.
- Michelle, I can't.
- But you promised.
Michelle, I have
to write a song.
But you promised.
Well, then
I'm gonna break my promise.
I'm not going to the stupid
picnic, so leave me alone.
- Jess.
- Uncle Jesse yelled at me.
Oh, Michelle, I'm sure
he didn't mean anything by it.
Come on, we're still gonna
have fun at the family picnic.
Uncle Jesse
not nice anymore.
I've just written
"The Brady Bunch" theme.
Maybe no one will remember.
What am I saying?
♪ And we'll all have
chicken and dumplings ♪
♪ When she comes
when she comes ♪
♪ And we'll all have
chicken and dumplings ♪
♪ And we'll all have
chicken and dumplings ♪
♪ And we'll all have
chicken and dumplings ♪
♪ When she comes
when she comes ♪
One more time!
♪ She'll be comin'
'round the mountain.. ♪♪
Alright, alright.
Are we there yet?
No, honey, we're not
at the motel yet.
When will we be there?
When we get there.
I was just asking.
Don't have a cow.
I think what
Michelle's trying to say is
she has to go to the bathroom.
No, I don't.
Alright, I do.
Please, Danny. I'm dying.
Joey, didn't I say not
to drink that thermos of Tang?
But, Danny--
Hey, don't make
me come back there.
Dad, Kimmy's looking at me.
No, I'm not.
Kimmy, stop
looking at Stephanie.
Something stinks.
Well, we're in the woods, honey.
It's probably a skunk.
I know that smell.
Kimmy, put your shoes back on.
- Oh, give me a break.
- Oh!
Fresh cup of coffee,
black, and keep it coming.
Switch to decaf, will you, son?
You're jangling my nerves.
I'm sorry,
I just have a lot on my mind.
Hey, sonny, make me
one of them sprout salads.
And put the low-cal dressing
on the side, will you?
Thank you, thank you very much.
I lost 72 pounds
on this diet, man.
I got sprouts
coming out my sideburns.
You know,
you look exactly like..
Well, no, you're gone. I mean..
You're
not gone, you're here, but..
Never mind me, I'm,
I'm just, I'm having a bad day.
Go ahead, finish your salad.
You don't wanna
hear my problems.
- Probably not.
- My problem is my family.
They're driving me nuts,
so I blew up at them.
You see, I finally
got a shot at a record deal
but I gotta come up
with one really great song.
And they're all mad because I'm
not going to some stupid picnic.
Picnic?
They gonna have barbecue there?
I guess so. But I don't
have time for that, you know.
My whole career's on the line.
Well, why aren't you home
working on the record?
Well, I'm practically finished.
I just, you know,
I came out for a cup of coffee.
- You got nothing, do you, boy?
- Well, I--
I wrote a song
about a turtle and a duck.
Not really top 40, though.
You wanna know
what my real problem is?
Yeah, lay it on me.
See, I got twins coming.
I want them to be
proud of their old man.
I wanna be a success, you know.
It's why I've been
working so hard.
I want them to look up and see
platinum records on the wall.
Babies don't care
about platinum records.
All they care about
is if their daddy loves 'em.
If he's there
to hug and kiss them.
Shame on you for snapping at
your family. Over a picnic?
I also broke a promise
to my 4-year-old niece.
I wish you hadn't told me that.
I mean, you're so busy
chasing your pot of gold.
You're forgetting
what's really important.
If you wanna be a success,
then you be a good father.
A good husband, a good friend.
After that, it's all gravy.
Oh, that sounds good.
Hey, sonny, throw some gravy
on that salad, will you?
Well, it all
makes a lot of sense.
Thanks a lot. I don't know
why I dumped all this on you.
I feel like
I know you or something.
Hey, let me, uh,
buy your meal, huh?
Thank you, thank you very much.
I swear, the way you said "Thank
you, thank you very much."
- You remind me so much of--
- I know. Wayne Newton.
Thanks a lot.
You have a nice night.
Listen, son,
it's kind of cold out there.
You might need this.
Now, you take care of business.
Hey, son,
throw some gravy, come on.
Thank you.
Let me see them mushrooms.
I hope they can fix the van.
What if they can't?
What if we're
stuck here forever?
In that case, we're bear snacks.
Alright, Danny, I think
I got it. Give it a try.
Oh, Joey.
Alright, we did it!
We got the hood open.
Oh, man.
No wonder we broke down.
It's filthy under here.
We're in big trouble.
Somebody's coming.
I hope it's the ice cream man.
- Alright.
- Honey, what're you doing here?
I was gonna meet
you guys at the picnic.
- Something wrong with the van?
- Yeah, the engine is filthy.
Come on, have
a look for yourself.
- Joey, give it a start.
- Okay.
Alright.
Alright, turn it off.
It's just a loose
distributor cap.
Which you never would've found
if I hadn't got the hood open.
Look, guys, you'll never guess
who I met today in a diner.
- Who?
- Well, it's guy.
He looked exactly like..
...Wayne Newton.
But, uh, we got
to talking, and, uh..
I'm sorry I snapped
at you guys today.
I just got so wrapped
up in this record deal..
You know, riding around
on my high horse, that..
...I forgot about the things
that are important
to me in my life.
And that's
the people that I love.
You guys.
So, uh..
I hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course I can forgive you.
You can let go now, Kimmy.
Jess, don't be
so hard on yourself.
We know what kinda
pressure you've been under.
No, we don't.
Come on, Michelle.
Can't you forgive
your Uncle Jesse?
Your name is Uncle Meanie.
- You're still mad at me, huh?
- Duh.
Well, I deserve a "duh".
I'm sorry I let you down, kid.
You yelled
and you broke a promise.
Well, if it makes you feel
better, I felt terrible all day.
- That helps a little.
- Alright then..
How about this..
You and I are gonna
enter that balloon race
and we're gonna win
and we're gonna have
the most fun we've
ever had in our whole life.
- How do you like that?
- That helps a lot.
Alright, munchkin.
Come on, give me a little love.
Excuse me. Everything okay here?
Yes, officer.
Okay, that's it then.
Why don't we go?
Everybody in the van.
Dad, haven't you
polished that long enough?
You're starting to
wear off the inscription.
But, I'm just so darn
proud of you guys.
It was almost a total sweep.
We took the balloon relay
and the three-legged race.
Too bad about
the pie-eating contest, huh?
Danny, we're really
sorry we let you down.
Hey, who would've
known when Aunt Phyllis
took out her
dentures like that, that..
She could gum down
a pie that fast?
Hey, everybody
come down to the studio.
I want you to check out
this new new tune.
- Okay.
- Great.
Alright, it's
the world premiere of this tune.
Don't know if the
record company's gonna like it
but I'm very proud of it.
I'll tell
you something. I, uh..
Couldn't have
done it without you guys.
It goes a little
something like this..
[piano music]
♪ Sometimes you
lose your place ♪
♪ And all you're
searchin' after ♪
♪ Is right before your face ♪
♪ Riding on your high horse ♪
♪ Believing your own lies ♪
♪ Don't you know
when everyone is kneeling ♪
♪ We're all the same size ♪
♪ Just a little more love
is all we're hoping for ♪
♪ Just a little
more peace is all we need ♪
♪ Take away the colors
don't you understand ♪
♪ It all breaks down
to the heart of the man ♪
♪ All one
think how strong we'd be ♪
♪ If you and me give
a little more love ♪
♪ Break it down ♪
♪ Take away the colors
don't you understand ♪
♪ It all breaks down ♪
♪ It all breaks down
to the heart child ♪
♪ All of the one all one ♪
♪ All one think how
strong we'd be ♪
♪ If you and me
give a little more love ♪
♪ It ain't that tough
to give a little more love ♪
♪ Take away the colors
don't you understand ♪
♪ How strong we'd be ♪
♪ If you and me
give a little more love ♪
♪ Love love ♪♪
[all cheering]
[theme music]