♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man
the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get to livin' here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean as
you ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird who knows
your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart
there's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look
everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there and you're all alone ♪
♪ A life is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
♪ Where is everybody ♪♪
We're right here.
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
Is there something
you'd like to say to me?
Michelle, we said happy birthday
to you at breakfast
and everywhere else
we saw you today.
But, I'm five years old.
This is a very big day.
- Happy birthday, Michelle.
Don't say it
if you don't mean it.
- Happy birthday, Michelle!
Why, thank you.
Is it time for my party yet?
Nope. You still have two hours
and 29 minutes to go.
How long is that?
Two Sesame Streets
and a Mister Rogers.
Oh, I'll never make it.
- Oh!
- Let's start the party now.
Michelle, your little friends
aren't here yet.
Who needs them? We got cake,
we got balloons
let's do it!
I know what we can do
till your friends get here
why don't we take your official
birthday picture
for your baby book.
Jess, you grab the book.
Joey, set up the shot.
I'll grab the camera.
This is gonna be
the best picture I ever took.
Alright.
Okay, now give me
a big five year old smile.
Not you.
The other five year old.
Che-e-e-ese!
[clicks]
Alright, Michelle,
this has everything
in your whole entire life
starting from
the day you were born.
Look, Michelle,
here's your birth announcement.
And there's your hospital
bracelet.
(Michelle)
What's this?
This is your very first tube
of diaper-rash cream.
I used to rub it
on your little tushy.
Dad!
Sorry.
(Jesse)
'Oh, alright,
this is the picture'
I took the day
Joey and I moved in.
Remember the first time we tried
to change Michelle's diaper?
(Jesse)
'Are you kidding?
I still have nightmares.'
[instrumental music]
Jesse, what if she
needs to be, uh..
...changed?
Check it out. Go.
We have a winner.
Now what?
Joseph, put yourself
in her place.
What would you want done?
- 'I've never changed a diaper.'
- 'Me neither.'
At least you touched one.
Alright, look out.
I'll show you how it's done.
Come here, child.
You believe this guy?
Alright, make yourself useful.
I'll take the south end.
Good.
- Watch out. Step one, step two.
- Okay. Step one, step two.
- Step one, step two.
Okay, good. Look out.
Okay, keep it coming.
Showtime.
- Where do we put the baby?
- Where do we put the child?
Ah..
The pot. Over here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Joey, this is a living thing.
You don't just stick it
in a pot.
Use a meat rack.
I'm an idiot.
Uh, come on.
- Okay.
- Alright, good.
- Alright, great.
- Settle down here, there we go.
Are you gonna cook Michelle?
We're changing her diaper.
Oh, then how do you
roast a turkey?
Steph, Joey and I are busy.
Joey, strip her.
Alright. Careful there.
You're in control.
Alright. Slide it off and..
- Ew!
Uh.
Good thinking, joey.
Keep it fresh.
Okay, hold her up.
I'll clean her off.
Good idea.
Come on, Michelle. Alright.
You're missing, you're missing,
you're missing!
Alright, come on.
Gently now, gently now, gently.
There we go.
This is great.
We should be mothers.
- Oh, yeah.
- Alright, let's dry her up.
Okay, fan her.
- Fan her fanny.
You know, these babies
have it made.
I would kill
for this kind of service.
- 'Alright, diapers.'
- Diapers, diapers.
- Where are the diapers?
- Diapers. Diapers.
- Diapers, diapers, diapers.
- Diapers.
Hey, superabsorbent.
Bring it over.
- Okay. Now what?
- Okay, spin her.
- Spin her. Spin her.
- Spin her.
There you go.
Alright, now we'll
wrap her up in this.
Come on. Put her right in here.
Here we go.
- It's too easy.
- Works for me.
And, hey, you spill some juice
on the counter?
Just wipe it up
with baby tidy bottom.
You guys were dumb.
[laughing]
Well, we were learning
on the job.
Every time you had a first,
we had a first.
Like the first time we tried
to give you cough medicine.
Alright, Joey, you try to give
her medicine. I give up.
Okay, Michelle.
Here it comes.
[buzzing]
Oh, come on.
It tastes really good.
Watch this.
[buzzing]
Ah! Smile.
The baby's watching you.
And she's waiting for her
Uncle Jesse to swallow.
[gulping]
This stuff's terrible.
(Danny)
Remember your first workout?
- Work it out. And go.
- Okay.
- Now go! Now up! Again!
- And up! Now breathe!
- Now go! Now go! Now work it!
- Now go! Feel the burn! Now go!
- Now up! Now work it! Now go!
- Now feel the burn! Now go!
- Now work it! Now go!
- Now feel the burn! Now go!
[instrumental music]]
Obviously, you feel
pretty secure
about those
chubby little legs of yours.
(Joey)
And we made our debut
as hairstylists.
Let's give you
that Marilyn Monroe look.
Kinda, yeah, bangs sweeping
to the left.
Kind of, the curls
framing the face, huh?
'Uh, She's got a look
that could pull that off'
'but I think it'd be a crime'
'to cover that
pretty little face.'
See, I say we pull it back
give her a more sophisticated
kinda look.
'More the Madonna
Brigitte Nielsen kinda thing.'
Like this. See? Look.
That's Jack Nicholson.
[laughing]
'Why don't we
give her kind of a...'
'...Pebbles Flintstone
kind of a..'
...A fun 'do.
That's Don King.
- Maybe just a bow.
- Bow.
(Danny)
I remember one
of your biggest discoveries.
You'll tell your sisters
for me, won't you?
Oh, thank you, honey.
You take all the pressure off.
Give me a kiss.
Thanks.
Alright, little munchkin,
you enjoy your new bed
but no more jumping
up and down, okay?
- Okay, Uncle Jesse.
- Alright.
Hello.
(Danny)
And your first punishment.
(Michelle)
♪ This is no fun, no fun ♪
♪ looking at the wall ♪♪
Michelle?
Yes, daddy?
Are you ready
to be a good girl now?
I'll be a very good girl.
Good. And did you learn a lesson
from all of this?
Yes, I did. No swimming
in the kitchen.
Yes, no swimming in the kitchen,
that's a very important lesson.
But there's a bigger
lesson here.
Daddy, Uncle Jesse and Joey
we know what's best for you.
'So, honey, when we ask you
to do something..'
...you should do it.
- Deal?
- You're the boss.
Okay, then.
Punishment is over.
Time to play!
[chuckling]
No, it's not. Time for bed.
Can we watch "Arsenio"?
- What do you think?
- I think it's time for bed.
You think right. It's time
for bed. To bed, I said.
Daddy?
Am I still your little princess?
Oh, you got it, dude.
I like being
your little princess.
I like it too, honey.
What do you say, let's put
this new picture
on the very last page.
That's it.
And now,
the Michelle Tanner baby book
has come to an end.
That's it? I'm finished?
Well, you're not finished.
Just your book is.
Are you gonna start a new book?
Well, in a few weeks
when we have our new twins
we're gonna make
a new book for them.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
Another book.
[indistinct chatter]
I don't want my book
to be finished.
I wanna be the little princess.
Forget my birthday.
I'm staying four years old.
Michelle?
- Michelle.
- Baby.
- Michelle, where are you?
- Michelle?
Hm, I wonder where
Michelle could be.
You found me. Big deal.
Okay, sweetie, move over.
Michelle...you have to know
no matter how old you get
you're always gonna be
my little princess.
Just like Stephanie's always
gonna be my little ladybug.
And DJ is always gonna be
my little tennis-ball head.
Somebody wanna trade?
I like being the baby.
I'm good at it.
Oh, shorty, you're not special
because you're a baby.
You're special
because you're you.
I ought to know,
because you and I go way back.
We've had a lot of cool times
together, haven't we?
Sing this.
♪ I got you babe ♪
Sing it.
♪ I've got babe ♪
That settles it. You be Sonny.
Sing it again.
♪ I got you babe ♪
♪ I've got a babe ♪♪
She's back,
and she's cooler than ever.
Yo, hot wheels!
(Jesse)
Remember when
I almost moved out?
I'm gonna miss you.
[instrumental music]
I'm gonna miss you too, pal.
But we have to put on
our bravest face now, okay?
We've gotta be really brave
about this thing, alright?
So let me see your brave face.
Can you smile for me?
Atta-girl.
I know that this bravery thing
happenin'
I want you to give me
the biggest, most gigantic
most greatest hug you ever gave
me in the whole entire world.
Ready? And go!
Hug, hug, hug.
Wow. Atta-girl.
This is a goodbye present.
Michelle, that's your pig.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
Well, in that case, here.
I want you to have this.
This is my pink bunny. I want
you to put it up on the wall.
And whenever you look at it,
you can think of me, okay?
You got it, dude.
[music continues]
Goodbye, Michelle.
Goodbye, Uncle Jesse.
You see, Michelle,
I could never leave you..
...because you're
my special pal.
And I love having you
for a little sister.
Yeah, me too.
We've had a lot of laughs.
You wouldn't believe
the things I got you to do.
I don't care what's in the bag.
Oh! No!
I shouldn't do it,
should I, Michelle?
What if..
[gasping]
Look, Michelle.
I've got a cookie.
Yeah, you want the cookie?
They're yummy!
'Want some cookie?'
Yeah.
Come get the yummy cookie.
Huh! Oops!
The cookie accidentally jumped
into the bag.
Go find it!
'Unzip the bag, Michelle.'
'Let's see what's in there.'
'Never mind the cookie.
Get the zipper open.'
'Let's see what Uncle Jesse's
hiding in there.'
'Oh, you found it!'
- May I help you?
- She did it.
Shame on you, Michelle.
(DJ)
And you learned a few tricks.
You can be my dog.
I'll call you Peanut.
(DJ)
'Michelle?'
Go hide on the bed.
But no barking.
Hey, Michelle,
have you seen Sparky?
No Sparky here.
Have a nice day.
[Sparky barking]
Did that bunny rabbit just bark?
That was me. Arf, arf, arf.
[barking]
Maybe it's a doggie.
(DJ)
But if we really needed you,
you were always there.
- Leave the shirt alone.
- No.
Leave it alone!
You're in big trouble, mister.
Now, I'm gonna go upstairs and
see if your sisters are there.
They're not doing
anything wrong.
Well, that pretty much means
they are, doesn't it?
You cannot go upstairs.
Oh, yes, I can.
He's coming! He's coming!
He's coming!
He's coming! He's coming!
Hurry, he's coming. Hurry.
He's coming! He's coming!
He's here.
I did the best I could.
Kimmy, how could you do that?
It's not polite to yell.
Michelle, I have enough problems
without the polite police
on my tail
so just stay out of this.
You forgot to say please.
That's it.
This is not polite.
Thank you.
You are not welcome!
May I have that cupcake, please?
No, you may not.
But I was polite
and I said please.
I was polite too.
I said, no, you may not.
Guess what?
Politeness week is over!
'How rude!'
You are a piece of work.
Thank you. I think.
What Stephanie's trying to say
is you're a really
cool young lady.
If you got any more stories
about me, I wanna hear them.
Alright, a nickel.
Alright, a Cheeto.
[chiming music]
Ice-cream man. Ice-cream man.
Ice-cream man.
Wait for me, I got money.
Give me back my money, you pig.
Why are you very mad?
Uncle Jesse locked me out.
Now, why would Uncle Jesse
do something like that?
I don't know. I'm a fun girl.
Well, I'm just guessing,
Michelle
but I think Uncle Jesse
and Aunt Becky
just want some privacy.
What is privacy?
Well, privacy means
that they just wanna
spend some time together.
Just the two of them.
What are they doing in there?
Well, they're..
...they're doing their taxes.
Are they going to do
their taxes every night?
For the first couple of months.
♪ I'm Popeye the sailor man ♪
♪ I'm strong to the finish
'cause I eats me spinach ♪
♪ I'm Popeye the sailor man ♪
Toot, toot! Whoa!
A-gah-gah-gah!
♪ I'm a little teapot ♪
♪ Short and stout ♪
♪ Well here's my handle ♪
♪ Here is my spout ♪
♪ When I get all hot ♪
♪ You gonna hear me shout ♪
♪ Just need to tip me over baby
and pour me out ♪♪
Rock 'n' roll!
♪ There she was just walking
down the street singin' ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪
♪ Snappin' her fingers
and shufflin' her feet singin' ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪
♪ She looked good
she looked good ♪
♪ She looked fine
she looked fine ♪
♪ She looked good
she looked fine ♪
♪ And I nearly lost my mind ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪
♪ Do wah diddy diddy
dum diddy do ♪♪
♪ You are so beautiful ♪
♪ To me ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ You're everything
I hoped for ♪
♪ Your everything I need ♪
♪ You are so beautiful ♪
♪ To me ♪♪
Wow, I'm cooler than I thought.
And the older you get,
the cooler you're gonna be.
But you gotta keep growing up.
So are you ready
to turn five now?
Yes, I am.
It's party time!
Uh, not so fast.
You still have two hours
and 13 minutes to go.
This is the longest day
of my life.
Okay, party animals. We've got
some more decorating to do.
[theme music]
[music continues]