Do you want to help me
make breakfast, Michelle?
Sure, I could smash some eggs.
Whoa, you don't smash them.
You crack them on the side
of the bowl very gently.
Observe.
Now, do you think
you can do that?
Duh.
Michelle, that was perfect.
Thank you very much.
Now, would you like
to scramble them up?
I sure would.
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aahh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get
to living here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This whole world's
confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean
as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
Okay, that's it.
I just saw Jesse
and Becky pull up.
They're home from
the hospital with the twins.
Oh, man, I hear footsteps.
Are you ready?
(in unison)
Welcome home!
I can feel the love.
We're home.
Hi.
'Look at this.'
Nicky, Alexander,
this is your family, remember?
Oh, isn't that cute?
They look like
little Elmer Fudds.
[imitating Elmer]
Hewwo, you wascally wug wats.
[laughs]
Joey's right.
My babies look
like Elmer Fudd.
Honey, honey, it's okay.
Joey wasn't thinking.
You know how he has
trouble with that.
Now, everybody, we have to be
a little sensitive
to Becky's feelings.
The doctor said
she's gonna be a little
over emotional
the next few days.
Well, it's not my fault.
Doctor said it's very common
for new mothers
to have mood swings.
Why are you
all staring at me?
Because you
were just talking to us.
Oh, well, thanks for listening.
- Was that a mood swing?
- Six point two.
- Can I hold one of the babies?
- Sure.
- Can I hold one too?
- Absolutely, Steph.
But you have to
sit down first, okay?
- Okay.
- They love kids.
Hey, come on, pal.
- It's okay.
- Here we go.
It's okay.
Alright.
Here you go, Deej.
Be careful with his head.
Okay.
(D.J.)
'Oh, how sweet.'
I'm next.
I'm afraid you're too little.
In case you forgot,
I'm five years old now.
That's a whole hand.
Michelle, babies
are very delicate.
I'm sorry, you're just
not old enough yet.
The twins are so cute.
Alright, let me
tell everybody now.
Now, let's not get in the habit
of calling them "The twins".
They're two entirely
different people
with two entirely
different identities.
So which one's Nicky,
and which one's Alexander?
Beats me.
But I do know
Nicky loves Elvis.
And Alex loves to burp.
But their names are on
their hospital bracelets.
Hey, Kimmy, get the camera.
The grandparents
are gonna want pictures.
Wait a minute,
If my mom's gonna see this
I have to put on the booties
she made for the boys.
Ho-ho-hold it a second.
No sons of mine
are gonna be wearing
any tutti-frutti booties,
alright?
I knew it.
You hate my mother,
don't you?
No, I..
Mood swing.
No, I- I love
your sainted mother.
Did I-did I say
tutti-frutti booties?
No, I meant, I meant
cutie-wootie booties.
That's what I meant.
- You're just saying that.
- No, no, no, they're adorable.
Aren't they adorable?
Help me out here, please.
- Yeah, I'd wear 'em.
- 'They're cute.'
- See?
- Oh.
Well, I'm so glad
you like 'em.
Alright.
This is where your mommy
and daddy live, huh.
And this is the bed.
That's where you guys
get started.
Jess.
Well, it's the highlight
of the tour.
Okay, here's the rest
of the room, fellas.
- What do you think?
- Honey, I'm going to unpack.
'Okay.'
Alright.
And in here,
this is your room.
This is the nursery.
Huh, fellas? What do you think?
I know what you're saying,
you're saying
"Hey, pop, we deserve walls."
And I promise, some day,
you'll get 'em.
Alright.
Oh, this is going to be
the perfect place, guys.
And you're going to
have the perfect life
because I'm going
to be the perfect dad.
Hey, my dad was great,
but he did make a few mistakes.
Like, he's always buggin' me
about my long hair.
But I tell you, something, it's
not going to happen to you.
You know why?
Because you're bald.
I was just kidding.
I'm kidding, I'm good.
You know, I like to
joke around sometimes.
Y-you guys will learn.
Oh, I love you so much.
Can I have a kiss?
Can I have a little kiss?
I'm going to be
the best dad in the world.
I promise you guys.
Oh, this is so fun.
I'm hanging out with boys.
My boys.
High five.
Give me high five.
Give me five.
Give me a high five.
High five.
High five me.
Right on, brother.
So, the doctor's taking
my blood pressure
and you're not gonna
believe this.
It registers nothing.
Turns out there was
this little hole
in that little squeeze ball.
You know, that thing
that looks like
a turkey baster.
What? We're outta time already?
I can't believe this,
boy, time sure flies
when I'm telling stories,
doesn't it?
Tune in tomorrow when my guest
will be Chef Sol Wong
and cartoon show host,
Ranger Joe Gladstone.
Becky, enjoy your babies.
Don't worry,
the show's in good hands.
So long, San Francisco.
♪ Wake Up ♪♪
Well, pretty good show,
huh, Mr. Strowbridge?
- You need a co-host.
- A co-host?
Yeah, someone
to compliment you.
Why? I compliment myself
all the time.
Watch this, good show.
Nice work, Danny.
Tanner, I-I'm sure you're gonna
really like Vicky Larson.
She's starting tomorrow.
Oh, Vicky.
She's starting tomorrow?
Hi.
Tomorrow works for me.
Hi, there, I'm, uh,
I'm Danny Tanner.
Welcome to my world.
Oh, It's nice
to meet you, Danny.
Alright, you two,
so talk, mingle
make chemistry.
So, have you ever done
a morning talk show before?
Well, no, but that
doesn't mean that I haven't--
Well, don't you worry
about a thing.
I am gonna teach you
everything I know.
For instance, words
like, uh, "Speaking of"
can smoothly get you
from one subject to another.
That's what we people in
talk-show biz call a segue.
Segue, I think I got it.
Ah, Vicky,
they want you in wardrobe.
Ah, I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh! "I'll see you tomorrow."
Now, that's an excellent way
to end the show up.
Boy, you're catching on already.
There.
Doesn't that feel much better
without those
hospital bracelets?
You're allowed
to take 'em off?
Yeah, well, it's not like
they're mattress tags.
Well, how do you
tell 'em apart?
Oh, it's easy, Nicky's in
the mint-green booties, yes.
And Alex is in the peach ones.
Hi, sweetie.
Listen, will you girls do me
a favor and entertain the boys
while I put these hospital
bracelets in their baby books?
Sure.
Now, don't you guys dare do
anything cute while I'm gone.
Okay?
Okay, let's play with them.
I'll take Alexander
you take Nicky.
Hi, Alexander.
Peek-a-boo!
Peek-a-boo.
Okay, switch.
- Hi.
- Hi, Nicky.
Hi.
Okay, daddy's back.
Come on, D.J.,
let's put the laundry away.
Won't that be fun?
Steph, it's me.
Sorry, I'm better now.
Hi, bud, hey.
I'm older now.
Want me to hold anything?
No, no, thanks, Michelle.
You-you run along
and play, okay?
That what I always do.
Play, play, play.
What?
What was that?
Oh, you want me to take off
those girlie booties.
Hey, guys,
I don't-I don't blame you.
They're outta here.
There we go.
Now we can go back
to being real men.
This little piggy
went to market.
This little piggy, uh,
rode his Harley Davidson.
Oh, Jess. Alexander
needs to be nursed.
Do you want to bring him
in the other room for me?
- 'Sure.'
- Thanks.
Okay, Alexander
needs to be nursed.
Where did your bracelets go?
Hey, Beck.
You guys wait here.
Stay out of the fridge.
Beck, what happened
to the babies bracelets?
Oh, I took 'em off
and put 'em in their baby books.
- How are we tell 'em apart?
- Oh, It's simple.
Alexander's in the peach booties
and Nicky's in
the mint-green ones.
Listen, about these booties..
I really think
they're a little girlie for me.
Jess, my mother
made those booties
and I want
my sons to wear them.
And I don't think
that's not too much to ask.
Why are you putting me
through this?
Sorry. I'm wrong.
Ah, no, I-I love those boot..
Any good red-blooded
American boy
would love to wear
those booties.
In fact, could you call
your mother up and ask
if she could make
a pair for me?
Oh, I bet she would.
Now, please go
bring me Alexander.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Alright, guys, we got to put
your booties back on.
Why? Because your mom's about
this far from losing it.
Okay, Alexander,
you had the peach motif.
Which..
Who's Alexander?
Which one-which one of you all..
Fine, whoever's Alexander,
raise your hand.
'Anyone? Anyone?'
Oh, my God.
I don't know who's who.
I mixed up my own kids.
Some father. I can just hear
it now. You telling your shrink.
"Oh, we were fine till
my old man took off my booties.
"And I almost spent
the rest of my life
not knowing
if I was me or my brother."
Jess, honey,
where are you?
'Coming.'
Uh...eeny, meeny, ma..
You, you're Alex.
Here we go.
Here we go, Alex.
Alright, here we go.
Okay, don't tell
your ma what I did.
There we are.
Okay. Coming right out
with Alex..
...or Nicky.
I'm sorry.
Whoever you are.
Morning, Nicky or Alex.
Listen, I got to find out
who's who now.
Now, Nicky, whoever you are,
I know you love Elvis
so give me some kind of
sign, okay? Ready?
♪ I'm just a hunka
hunka burnin' love ♪
♪ I'm just a hunka
hunka burnin' love ♪♪
Come on, guys,
ah, do something.
Curl a lip.
Anything.
Morning, Jess.
Oh, hi, morning.
Are the babies awake?
Yeah, yeah, they're awake.
Happy, healthy..
...confident in knowing
who they are.
[burp]
'Oh, honey, look.'
Nicky burped.
Oh, and I thought Big Al
was the king of burps.
You better watch out.
Nicky's making
a run for the crown.
'Yes, he is.'
Yeah he is making a run
for the crown now.
A-ha.
Alright, you little gas bag
you must be Big Al.
Okay, what we're gonna
do is we switch.
Okay, we'll switch the booties.
♪ Shake shake shake ♪
♪ Shake shake shake
shake your booties ♪♪
Everybody sing along.
Shake your booty.
Oh, you guys don't know
the song, that's right.
You missed the 70's.
Lucky you.
♪ Shake shake ♪
♪ Shake shake shake ♪♪
Now we're all set.
There we go.
Wait a minute, Becky saw you
guys the other way around.
So, well I, we'll just..
Here..
Ah, o-okay.
I got it.
We simply do this
and we do this.
Ready?
Badda bing.
Badda boom.
You thought
your old man was a dope.
Alright.
Okay.
[burp]
Now you burped. Guys,
you're messing me up here.
I can't be changing your booties
for 18 more years.
Hi, dad.
- Hi, mom.
- 'How you doing? '
Fine, fine,
you know, I was thinking.
You know, wouldn't it be funny
if we accidentally
mixed up the kids and we really
didn't know who was who?
Funny?
That would be horrible.
I mean, that
would be a tragedy.
I mean, they'd go through life
never knowing
their true identities.
And that's why
I will never let that happen.
Okay, I'm another day older.
Could I hold that baby now?
Jess, I have a feeling she's
never gonna give up on this.
Ah, I think you're right.
Okay, Michelle.
You gotta sit down.
I'll grab you a kid.
Alright. You sit
back up in there. Okay?
Alright, now remember, you gotta
keep your hand behind his head
and don't jostle him,
and don't drop him and..
Pretty much
don't even move a muscle.
You're making me
very nervous.
Sorry.
Here you go.
- Alright.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
Look at me,
I'm holding a baby.
Look how happy he is, Michelle.
That's because he likes me.
Well, he's your little cousin,
he looks up to you.
If you have any questions,
talk to me.
I love you.
Alright, you two,
have a good show.
Thanks, Mr. Strowbridge.
Vicky, these are for you.
That's very sweet, Bill.
Now, Vicky, give us some of that
Emmy Award winning style.
You, uh, you won an Emmy?
Well, actually,
I won two of them
in DC for
investigative reporting.
I-I thought you said you
never did a talk show before.
That's true, but I anchored
the evening news for five years.
Wow, why didn't you, uh
tell me that?
Because you never
stopped talking.
In five, four,
three, two..
♪ Wake Up ♪♪
Wake up, San Francisco.
Hi, I'm Danny Tanner.
And temporarily filling
in for my co-host
Rebecca "hurry-back-soon"
Donaldson is Vicky Larson.
Actually, it's Vicky "I'm
gonna be here for four weeks
so let's have
a good time" Larson.
Okay, well, let's bring out
our first guest, shall we?
He's the host of the
"Ranger Joe" cartoon show.
Let's hear it for
my good friend Joey Gladstone.
♪ Ranger Joe ♪
He's the greatest guy I know.
♪ He's Ranger Joe ♪♪
- Hey, Joey.
- Hi, Danny, Vicky.
- Welcome to the show.
- Thank you.
Welcome to the show,
Mr. Woodchuck.
'Thanks, Danny.
I'll just watch.'
Well, Joey's hosting the cartoon
marathon all this week.
Speaking of cartoons..
- Like that segue, Danny?
- Not bad.
Joey, do you feel that
violence in cartoons today
has an adverse effect on our
children's social consciousness?
- Well, actually, Vicky--
- Uh, excuse me, Vicky, please.
Joey's just a sweet,
loveable, goofy guy.
Please don't try
and clog his head
with this kind
of controversial issues.
Actually, Vicky, I'm glad
I finally have the chance
to articulate my position.
Articulate?
Yes, I've given this issue
a lot of thought
and while violence is certainly
endemic to our society
on my show, I only run cartoons
where the violence
is non-reality based.
That is to say,
if we see a mouse
drop a battleship on a cat
the emulation of that act
by a small child
would be virtually impossible.
That's a fascinating
observation.
Yeah, especially
coming from a man
who plays Jingle Bells
on his armpits.
We'll be back with
more Ranger Joe, Ph.D.
And we're clear.
Great interview, Joey.
Oh, thanks, Vicky.
You know,
you're really wonderful.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
What do you, what do you mean,
she's wonderful?
She's overbearing,
abrasive, and arrogant.
Man, you are so hot for her.
I know. She's going
to drive me nuts.
Okay, ready for round two?
Yep, let's get it on.
I mean, let's get on with it.
The show.
Hi, we're back.
And we're talking
with the cartoon show host..
Here you go, Uncle Jesse.
My "Junior Detective" kit.
Shh. Keep your voice down.
Why? What do you need this for?
I can't tell you.
Then I can't let you use it.
Alright, girls, I'm going
to tell you a secret
but you can't tell Becky.
Because, well, you know
how she's been.
Nuts?
Well, she hasn't been nuts.
She's..
Yeah, nuts.
Yeah, she's been nuts.
What happened was,
I mixed the twins up
and I can't tell who's who.
(in unison)
What?
They're your own kids.
Even baboons know
their own babies.
Out!
Ooh! Sore spot.
Alright, this is what we do.
What I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna take a footprint
of one of the babies
and I'm gonna compare it
to the original
in the birth certificate
Right here, okay.
Deej, get the ink out.
I'll take, uh..
...whoever you are.
Alrighty.
Here we go.
Okay, ready?
And ink him.
Son, this better be
your last set of prints.
Okay, and we do this.
Look at that, see?
Alright, now, we just compare it
with the original
and we'll be Jake.
(Becky)
'Hey, where is everybody?'
We're in here!
Shh! Stephanie.
No, we're not!
Look at this.
Becky's going to see this.
D.J., help me, uh.
Uh, let's put his foot
in my pocket.
Oh, here you are.
Jess, it's time
to feed the boys.
Uh, I think I hear dad calling.
Coming, dad!
Dad's at the store.
You are really having a bad day.
Jess, is-is there some reason
that our son's foot
is in your pocket?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Well, there's a-there's a..
There's a-there's a perfectly,
perfectly good reason.
And-and that is
because, uh..
Well, well, because he kicked
his bootie off and-and he..
I wanted to keep his foot warm.
There you go. There's a..
There's a perfectly
good reason.
Is there
a perfectly good reason
that his foot's
covered with ink?
Where's my head today?
I must have left another
ink pad in my pocket.
Why don't you
tell me the truth?
Well, the truth is.
I was taking
his footprints
because I took
their booties off
and...now I can't
tell them apart.
Some great dad, huh?
Even baboons can tell
their kids apart.
Honey, why didn't you tell me?
I was just trying to avoid
the mother of all mood swings.
Honey, I know
I've been real crazy lately
but if there's some problem with
our kids, you have to tell me
so we can work it out together.
I know, I just..
I just want to be
the perfect dad, that's all.
There is no such thing
as the perfect dad.
But you're gonna be a great dad.
And you're already
a great husband.
And I love you.
Have mercy.
Well, we're doing
pretty good so far.
I mean, our kids are happy,
they're healthy.
We just don't know
who the heck they are.
But I'm gonna find out
right now. Alright.
Now, let's see.
This one..
See, he's got
a little squiggle here
and a little squig..
We have a match.
You, you with the inky foot,
my friend..
...are Big Al.
'Isn't that
great news, guys?'
'Eh, they're so excited,
they're speechless.'
Fellas, I've been
going crazy all day.
I found out who you are.
You're Al. You're Nicky.
High five.
Give me high five.
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪♪
[theme music]