Okey-dokey.
Now, where did I put
that other shoe?
Hi, Mr. Woodchuck.
I wish you were real.
[as Mr. Woodchuck]
I am real.
Who said that?
(Joey as Mr. Woodchuck)
'I did.'
You can't talk
without Joey.
[as Mr. Woodchuck]
Did you ever think
he can't talk without me?
Hello, Joe.
[as Mr. Woodchuck]
Pay no attention
to that man under the bed.
- Joey, you're busted.
- Okay.
So it wasn't Mr. Woodchuck
talking, it was actually me.
Duh!
[John Stamos singing
"Everywhere You Go"]
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy
evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to livin' here
somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's
confusin' me ♪
♪ With clouds as mean
as you'll ever see ♪
♪ Ain't a bird
who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell
your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[humming "Bonanza" theme]
Alright, now, remember,
cow kids.
The very important code
of the West..
Always keep your saddles dry
now, you hear?
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's get all dressed up
and I'll take an official
family portrait.
Oh, no, no, no.
I hated that when I was a kid.
I'm not gonna put Nicky and Alex
through that kinda torture.
Oh, come on, honey.
I saw your family portrait.
You and your father
looked adorable
in those dad-and-lad
leisure suits.
We looked like father-and-son
hot tub salesmen.
Come on, Jess.
Oh, alright, but-but
I want my kids to look cool.
Oh, of course
they'll look cool.
Now, where are those
lavender sailor suits?
[humming "Bonanza" theme]
[sighs]
Hey, Jess.
Hey, how did it go? Did, uh,
D.J. get her learner's permit?
- It was a nightmare.
- She flunked?
- Worse.
- I passed.
Alright, Deej.
I failed.
I don't get it.
I copied everyone
of D.J.'s answers
and I still flunked the test.
Kimmy, they give
everyone different test
so no one can cheat.
- They do?
- Uh-huh.
That's what's wrong
with the world today.
No one trusts anyone.
- Bye.
Okay, dad,
let me have the keys.
D.J., you just have
your learner's permit.
You can't drive a car unless
there's a licensed adult
in the front seat with ya.
Fine, you can have shotgun.
Let's roll.
Look, uh, I'm just not sure
you're ready yet, you know?
Dad, I took driver's ed.
I passed the written test,
and I'm 15.
The state of California
says I'm ready to drive.
Yeah, but the state of
California doesn't have to sit
in the front seat with ya.
- Dad, come on.
- Yeah, dad, come on.
I'm sure when you were 15,
you were just dying
to get behind the wheel
of your mom's Pacer.
Not me. I was perfectly
happy taking the bus.
And my dates were very impressed
with the extra leg room.
Dad, this is really cruel.
Please don't make me beg.
Alright.
Thanks, dad. You're
the greatest. Let's go!
Okay. Just let me shower,
shave, and..
...you know, paint the house.
- Dad.
- Danny.
Okay, okay. Boy, everybody's
so uptight around here.
I wrote a song
about a duck and a pig.
♪ Oh Mr. Duck ♪
♪ Oh Mr. Pig ♪
♪ Quack quack quack quack ♪
♪ Oink oink oink oink
quack quack.. ♪
Michelle, will you
please leave us alone?
♪ Quack quack ♪♪
Rita and I are busy
telling fortunes, okay?
Tell mine. Tell mine.
Okay. In the very near future,
you'll be singing a song
about a duck and a pig
out in the hall.
- That was easy.
- Too easy. She'll be back.
- I'm back.
- Michelle!
I didn't finish my song.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
♪ Quack quack quack quack ♪
♪ Oink oink oink oink ♪
♪ Quack quack quack quack ♪
♪ Oink oink oink oink.. ♪♪
That's enough!
If you don't
get out right now..
...I'm gonna call
the hairy, scary monster.
Oh, puh-lease!
All I have to do is
say his name three times.
Oh, hairy, scary monster!
That's one.
Is he nice
like the Cookie Monster?
Are you kidding?
He scares the Cookie Monster.
Because he's
the hairy, scary monster.
That's two.
Uh-oh.
Next come three.
It sure does.
Hairy, scary--
Don't say it!
'Joey, help!'
Joey, help!
Michelle, what is it?
He's coming!
Michelle, would you take it
easy? Who's coming?
Stephanie said
there's a hairy, scary monster.
Oh, no, I said it.
Michelle, there's no such thing
as a hairy, scary monster.
That's two.
One more time, and he comes.
Okay, Michelle, you
gotta trust me on this one.
I'm gonna say it
one more time
and you'll see that
nothing's gonna happen.
Wait!
Okay. Go ahead.
Okay. Hairy, scary monster.
It's okay.
You can look now.
See? There's no monster.
What a rip-off!
Now, Michelle, when Stephanie
was telling you
about this hairy, scary monster,
were you buggin' her?
It's...possible.
Well, I think Stephanie just
played a little joke on ya
just to get rid of you, so..
...don't you think should
forgive and forget?
What are you? Nuts?
I'm getting them back.
What was I thinking?
(Danny)
'Look how smoothly
I'm driving it.'
- Do you notice?
- Yeah.
- Notice my braking?
- Mm-hm.
I even filled the car
with gas for ya, honey.
There's nobody better
to teach you than your old dad.
Alright.
Okay, dad.
Hand over the keys.
Uh-uh-uh. First let's go
over a few small details.
- Dad, the keys.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Now, this is an automobile,
Deej.
Hood, headlights, bumper, bugs.
Keys.
Okay.
- Dad.
- I'm sorry.
- Yes!
- 'Okay.'
'Be careful opening the door.'
- Okay, seat belts on.
- Very good.
Can I be any more responsible?
Okay, and the car on.
[engine cranking]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh, yeah. Radio on.
[instrumental music]
Oh, dad.
[rock music]
Oh, Deej!
Dad, I have to learn to drive
with music like a normal person.
I don't want you driving
like a normal person.
I want you driving like me.
You just follow my instructions
completely now, okay?
First, adjust the mirrors.
Very good.
Now, Deej, listen to me.
Get your radar out, okay?
Examine the big picture.
Check for traffic,
pedestrians, stray cattle--
Dad, we're in an empty
parking lot.
Are you gonna question
every instruction I give you?
Sorry.
No cattle.
Very good.
Now secure the litter bag.
This is unbelievable!
Litter bag secure, sir.
Anything else?
No, I guess
that about covers it.
Why don't we just, uh,
pack it in for today
and let it all sink in?
What?
I didn't even get to drive.
Okay, I guess we can move on
to lesson number two.
Okay, now..
....with your hands holding the
wheel firmly at 10:00 and 2:00..
'That's 11:00 and 1:00,
10:00 and 2:00.'
'Okay, put your foot
on the brake'
'and carefully
put the car into drive.'
Okay now, slowly and gently,
take your foot off of the brake
and put it on to the accelerator
pressing ever so lightly.
[shouting]
Ever so lightly!
Put it in park! Put it in park!
Ugh, dad,
you're making me so tense.
Tense is good.
It will keep you alert.
Okay, okay, okay, I-I'm sorry.
Let's just start over again.
Hands at 10:00 and 2:00.
'Foot on the brake.'
'Put the car into drive.'
This time, keep your foot
off of the gas pedal.
Let's just master the fine art
of riding the brake, okay?
Oh, this is nice.
There's no need
to be a speed demon.
Dad, I think a snail
just passed us.
Wait, stop! Stop!
Ugh, now what?
You're heading straight
for that tree. Don't you see it?
You can't mean that tree
on the other end of the lot?
Dad, I'm nowhere near it.
I didn't say you were near it.
I asked if you saw it.
D.J., you are never
gonna learn to drive
if you don't listen to me.
Well, I'm never
gonna learn because
you don't want me to learn.
Oh, okay.
Okay, that's it.
You are way too emotional
to be in the driver's seat.
Switch places.
Out of the car.
- Fine.
- Fine. Fine.
- Fine.
- Pfft.
What are you doing back there?
Well, I'm really not in the mood
to sit next to you.
You don't trust me.
You don't want me to drive.
You don't wanna help me,
so please just leave me alone.
This went well.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Jess, all ready.
Bring in the boys.
Cheese!
What have you done
to my babies?
I took 'em down
to the Harley shop.
They opened a new department,
Tykes On Bikes.
[chuckles]
What's that on your heads?
Do-rags.
Nice touch, huh?
- Do-rags?
- Mm-hm.
Well, my mother's
gonna love this picture.
Honey, I don't want everyone
knowing my kids are baldies.
Sweetheart,
lots of babies are bald.
Not me, when I was born,
the doctor smacked my butt
and gave me a blow dryer.
That figures.
Well, you know,
I have to admit.
'You guys do look awfully cute.'
Okay, smile.
Come here, pumpkin pie.
Alright, Nicky,
give me that Elvis lip.
[sighing]
Sorry, mom.
- How did the driving lesson go?
- Ask him.
She's got a serious
attitude problem.
Me? He was screaming
at me like a maniac.
Excuse me,
but that's a natural reaction
when somebody's hot-rodding.
I better go take care of this.
Okay, fellas.
Now that he's gone,
what do you say we play a game?
Hide the do-rags.
Let me tell you something,
police officers
have pulled me over
just to compliment my driving.
I bet they were on foot.
Alright, Danny,
lighten up now.
You know, teaching someone to
drive, that should be fun thing.
- You really think so?
- Absolutely.
Oh, thanks, Uncle Jesse.
This is gonna be so fun.
Me? I-I-I, you want me
to teach you to drive?
Yeah. Who better?
You know everything about cars.
You're the road warrior.
Yeah. Guess I am, huh?
Well, it's fine with me
if it's okay with your dad.
- Uh, is it okay, dad?
- I don't know, Deej.
You, you really wanna
learn to drive
from a guy
who's dressed like a pirate?
It's a do-rag.
It's gone, okay?
Now, you can trust me.
I'm a father now.
But, you know, if you wanna
take her out again yourself--
No, no, no, no.
I-I-I trust you. I trust you.
Oh, thanks, dad.
You just be very,
very careful, okay?
Alright. Now, Deej,
what have you learned so far?
Uh, how to secure the litter bag
and check for cattle.
Oh, good, well, if a cow has
to throw away a gum wrapper
you'll be ready.
Hello. Yeah.
Governor Wilson's office?
Yes, hi. Danny Tanner here,
concerned citizen.
Yeah, I-I was just wondering
is there any way
we can raise
the driving age to 35?
Check it out,
"Doogie Howser reveals
his most intimate secrets."
"Doogie likes tuna fish
and music."
Boy, he really spilled his guts.
Guess what.
I'm a cheerleader.
Not now, Michelle.
Give me a A.
Give me a B.
Give me a C.
Give me a D--
Give me an O-U-T!
Out! Out!
Way out!
This is my room too.
Okay, I guess I'm gonna have to
call the hairy, scary monster.
Oops. I said his name once.
I'm not scared.
Oh, really?
Hairy, scary monster.
That's two.
I'm still not scared.
You will be.
Hairy, scary..
- Run, Michelle, run.
- I don't think so.
Okay, you asked for it.
...monster!
Well, well, well.
Look who's not here.
Okay, there is no monster.
But, uh, get out anyway.
[growling]
[screaming]
Thank you, Joey.
You're very welcome,
Michelle.
Joey, we knew it was you
all along, right, Rita?
Heck, no!
Okay.
Now, look, you guys
are all even now, okay?
So, let's call a little truce.
Steph, no more scaring Michelle.
Michelle, when Stephanie's
in here with her friends
you gotta give her some space.
- Deal?
- Deal.
Okay. Here, put this on,
Michelle.
And let's all howl on it.
Ready?
[all howling]
Wow! I never thought
I'd be driving your Mustang.
I like to call her Sally,
Mustang Sally.
You know, there's only 1,100
of these in the whole country
but mine is the only one with a
complete set of Elvis lug nuts.
Alright, go ahead.
Start it up.
You mean, I don't even have
to wrestle you for the keys?
D.J., driving should be a very
calm, cool, soothing experience.
Now turn the key
and let's..
...cruise.
[engine cranking]
Mmm, listen to that baby purr.
She's talking to you, Deej.
- You hear her?
- Yeah.
She's says I should have
learned to drive with you
in the first place.
Oh, Uncle Jesse,
you're the coolest.
I know. It's just something
I've learned to live with.
Alright, now,
before you put it into drive
I want you to, I want you
to feel the vibrations, okay?
Listen to Sally.
That way, you become the car
and, in turn,
the car becomes..
...you.
Yeah.
I am the car.
Righteous.
Alright, now go to the lamp post
and make a right.
You mean, I get to leave
the parking lot?
This is so cool.
Okay, now, is there anything
I should know
before making
my very first turn?
Sally will tell you.
Now just simply feel it.
Feel it.
Feel it!
[metal scraping]
My baby! My..
It's just a car.
It's just a c-ca..
I'm so sorry.
I feel terrible.
I-I promise
I'll do better tomorrow.
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
Why am I watching this?
You made it back.
How did it go?
Oh, everything was fine.
Oh, thank God.
Except for the accident.
- You got in an accident?
- Well, nobody got hurt.
I-I just put a teeny, tiny
scratch on Mustang Sally.
Uh, everything's okay,
right, Uncle Jesse?
Sure. It's just a c-c-car.
I should have never
let you go out.
Why can't you be cool
about this like Uncle Jesse?
He's takin' me out
again tomorrow.
[chuckling]
You know, actually, Deej
I was thinkin',
you know, what's the rush?
I mean, you know, San Francisco
has such an excellent
excellent public
transportation system.
You know, like I always say,
there's no place like a bus
to make new friends.
I can't believe
you're saying this.
You sound just like dad.
I passed the test.
I got my learner's permit.
It was amazing.
I took home the manual.
I read the stuff inside.
And then when I took the test
I remembered the stuff
that I read.
- You mean you studied.
- Is that what I did? Wow!
[horn honking]
Oh, that's my dad.
He's taking me out
for a driving lesson right now.
[laughing]
Oh, what a joker.
He's wearing a blindfold.
For the first time in my life,
I wish I was a Gibbler.
All I wanna do
is be able to drive a car
like everybody else in America.
Why are you guys
making this so hard for me?
Sweetheart, I know I've been
crazy about all this but..
...for the last 15 years,
all I've been doin'
is tryin' to protect you.
When you learned to walk,
I covered
the whole house in foam rubber.
I can't foam-rubber
all of San Francisco.
I know. I got estimates.
Deej, if anything
ever happened to you
I-I don't know what I'd do.
Dad, don't worry.
Nothing is gonna happen to me.
How do you know that? There's
a lot of bad drivers out there.
Kimmy Gibbler is out
on the road right now.
Deej, listen, I know how
you feel but, you know
I'm a father now too, and so
I know how your dad feels.
I mean, since the day
my kids were born
I haven't stopped
worrying about 'em.
Well, it's really nice that you
guys are really worried about me
but what am I supposed to do?
Ride a bike the rest of my life?
Of course not.
How about a horse?
Dad, you have to let go.
I know, I-I have a hard time
letting go
but now I have to let go
of you at 55 miles an hour.
But the more I practice,
the better driver I'm gonna be.
Danny, she's right.
Somebody's gotta teach her.
It's either us,
or Mr. Gibbler.
I vote for us.
Thanks, dad.
- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
- Alright.
And this time,
I'll try not to be so tense.
Right, and I'll try not
to be so laid back.
Thanks, guys.
Well, let's get out there.
Whose car are we gonna take?
(both)
His.
Alright, fine, we'll take mine,
I mean, you know
considering I trust her
more than you do.
What are you talking about?
I trust her
just as much as you do.
- Okay, fine. We'll take yours.
- Alright.
- Okay, you guys ready?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah. We're cool and calm,
and belted in really tight.
Deej, now whatever you do,
don't use the feel-it method.
Just-just pull out
and take it nice and easy.
Yeah, but not too easy.
You have to drive defensively.
Yeah, but you don't
wanna be uptight.
Are you calling me uptight?
- Uptight, paranoid, whatever.
- Oh, now I'm paranoid.
- I care about my daughter--
- Oh, you're paranoid--
Hey, if you boys don't behave
I'll turn this car right
around and go straight home.
Sorry.
Okay. Signal.
Check my mirrors.
Look over my shoulder,
and pull out into traffic
'for the very first time.'
I'm really driving.
I love it.
- Pretty good, huh, Danny?
- Yeah.
I'm actually
feeling good about this.
Can I turn on the radio?
(Danny and Jesse)
No!
[theme music]
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪