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[John Stamos singing
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"Full House" theme song]
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♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
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♪ Aah ♪
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♪ Whatever happened
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to predictability ♪
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♪ The milkman the paper boy ♪
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♪ Evenin' TV ♪
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♪ How did I get
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to livin' here ♪
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♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
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♪ This whole world's
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confusing me ♪
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♪ Clouds as mean
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as you'll ever see ♪
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♪ Ain't a bird
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who knows your tune ♪
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♪ Then a little voice
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inside you whispers ♪
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♪ Kid don't sell
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your dreams so soon ♪
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♪ Everywhere you look ♪
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♪ Everywhere you look ♪
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♪ There's a heart ♪
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♪ There's a heart ♪
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♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
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♪ Everywhere you look ♪
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♪ Everywhere you look ♪
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♪ There's a place ♪
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♪ Of Somebody who needs you ♪
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♪ Everywhere you look ♪
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♪ When you're lost out there ♪
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♪ And you're all alone ♪
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♪ A light is waiting
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to carry you home ♪
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♪ Everywhere you look ♪
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♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
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♪ Everywhere you look ♪
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♪ Dooby doo baa ba dow ♪♪
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[instrumental music]
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- 'Dad?'
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- 'Dad?'
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Oh, look at this.
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Here come my girls.
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And I bet they can't wait
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to hug their dad.
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Would you tell DJ
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to stop hogging the bathroom?
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It just so happens
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I was in there first.
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Well, pin a rose on your nose.
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Girls, I'm-I'm still
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in the hug mode.
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She turned off my
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"Beauty And The Beast" tape.
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After the hundredth time
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you played it.
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I'm trying to learn the words.
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Guess I can put
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my arms down now, huh?
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Oh, tough day.
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I got to start screening
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those junior rangers.
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I had a crier, two wetters
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and some kid got
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a splinter in his butt.
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Was the splinter made of..
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...wood?
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Excuse me, but we were talking
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about DJ hogging the bathroom.
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'I was not hogging
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the bathroom.'
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- I was in there for--
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- Okay, hold it! Hold it!
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You know, if I didn't know
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any better, I would say
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this wasn't the happiest
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family on earth.
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Oh, puh-lease!
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You know what?
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I've got a great idea.
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Reserve seating in the bathroom?
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No, let's take time out
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from all this bickering
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and just go out
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together as a family.
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I hereby declare tonight,
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Tanner Family Fun Night.
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Oh, man!
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'Oh, come on. Go with me
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on this.'
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Two hours of non-stop,
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feel-good Tanner family fun.
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What do you say?
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- I guess.
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- Alright.
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[chuckling]
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That's the spirit.
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Go get your coats. Come on.
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Honey, I don't want
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to argue with you
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but are you saying
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that my mother is wrong?
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No, sweetheart. I'm saying
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your mother's insane.
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[laughs]
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Oh, darling, you must be joking.
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My mother simply suggested
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that we use cornstarch
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when we diaper the boys.
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Ah, but we want
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to keep them dry
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not grow crops
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in their underpants.
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You know what you two need?
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A little dose
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of Tanner Family Fun.
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Why don't you grab the twins
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and come out to dinner with us?
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You know what,
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that sounds real good.
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- But we'll pass.
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- We will?
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We don't want
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the boys going out
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to a crowded restaurant
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during cold and flu season.
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Oh, come on, Becky. Uh, don't
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you think you're babying 'em?
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Well, sweetheart,
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they are babies.
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You sure you don't want
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to come to dinner with us?
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We're gonna sing
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show tunes all the way there.
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You know, when you
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put it that way
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why take a chance during
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the cold and flu season?
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We'll have to pass.
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Okay, miss the funnest
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night of the year.
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Okay, everybody, let's go!
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It's Tanner Family Fun time!
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Come on, everybody!
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Hut hut hut!
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Okay, where do you
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guys wanna eat?
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- I want pizza.
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- I want burgers.
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I want tacos.
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I need chocolate cake.
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No problem, I'll just find
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a Mexican-Italian
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burger and cake emporium.
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[indistinct chatter]
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Oh, yeah, could I have picked
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a better restaurant
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than this, huh?
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Well, these pirates look real.
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Ahoy, ye scurvy sea dogs!
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Welcome to Ye Pirate Cove!
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This way.
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[Danny chuckles]
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Ho-ho, shiver me timbers.
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Dad, this place is so lame.
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What if my friends
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see me here?
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Well, that would make them
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just as lame
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as you, wouldn't it?
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Yo-ho, yo-ho!
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Got you there, matey.
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Just slap your
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barnacles right here.
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Okay...we've got
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three shipmates..
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Thank you.
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..and two little buccaneers.
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A kiddie menu for moi?
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How rude!
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Look, it got puzzles.
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Connect the dots.
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Very challenging.
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Don't worry, I'll help you.
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I'm not into fish.
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You got any pizza?
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Harr!
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Maybe you didn't notice
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the boat, pal.
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But we got kind of
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a seafood thing going on here.
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But I'll go up
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to the galley and see
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if I can drum you up
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a sliver of dried salted beef.
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- Yum.
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- Harr, harr, harr!
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What a goofball!
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Now why don't we all get
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in the pirate spirit?
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You know what, what better way
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to get into the pirate spirit
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than donning
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our cardboard pirate hats?
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Dad, you look like a dweeb.
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Yes, but I'm a dweeb having fun.
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You know why?
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Because everything
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is more fun with a hat on.
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Come on, put your hats on.
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Let's go.
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Are you swabbies ready to order?
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Dad, please don't make me
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order from the kiddie menu.
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You know what, honey?
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You're right.
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This is Tanner Family Fun Night
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and sweetheart, you can
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have anything you like.
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I believe I'll have
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the..."Sunken Treasure.
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"A scrumptious assortment
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of King Neptune's favorites
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from the bottom of the sea."
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[laughing]
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That sounds like a fun meal.
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Whoa! $23.95!
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Boy, fun doesn't come cheap
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around here, does it?
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Harr.
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I believe I'll have
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the chocolate cake.
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Oh, a delicious slab of cake
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near as big as your head,
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me hearty.
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Whoa, baby!
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Too bad, we're out.
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No chocolate cake?
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What a rip-off!
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- Excuse me.
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- Everybody, get down!
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- Get down, get down!
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- Why? DJ, what's wrong?
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There's some kids
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here from my school.
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Oh, yeah.
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There's Shelly Phillips.
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[whispering]
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Dad, please.
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Don't do anything
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to attract attention.
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♪ Happy birthday to you.. ♪
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Chocolate cake!
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♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
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♪ Happy birthday dear Sarah ♪♪
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Her name's not Sarah.
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Oops. Sorry.
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Wro-wrong table.
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Come back with
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the chocolate cake!
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You have a big mouth.
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♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
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♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
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Hey, Beck, we're back!
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'Got your favorite pizza..'
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...pineapple and anchovy.
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I believe you forgot something.
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Oh, yeah. Extra cheese.
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Listen, Beck.
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I've been thinking about
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this extra cheese thing.
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I think it's a rip-off
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because how do you really know
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if you're getting extra cheese
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or not? You don't.
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I was talking
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about the baby's hat.
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The one I asked you to put on
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if you took the baby
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out into the cold air?
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Oh yeah, I know the hat.
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I put it on.
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It just, uh, must've fallen off
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on my way out, that's all.
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- Really?
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- Hm.
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And landed behind
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this pillow?
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[laughs]
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What are the odds of that,
292
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,775
a million to one, say?
293
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,986
- Probably.
294
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,986
- Yeah.
295
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:09,197
Aw, just look at this.
296
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:09,197
His head is freezing.
297
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,616
You know, my mother says that
298
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,616
sixty percent of the body's heat
299
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:12,951
is lost through the head.
300
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:16,204
Sixty percent
301
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:16,204
of his body is his head.
302
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,831
That's why he should
303
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,831
be wearing a hat!
304
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,540
He's gonna get sick.
305
00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:23,337
Becky, he can't wear
306
00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:23,337
the hat in the house.
307
00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:25,213
It'll stunt his hair growth.
308
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,381
What hair?
309
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:27,882
The hair I'm tryin' to grow
310
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,092
if we can get some sunlight
311
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,886
and fresh air
312
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,886
on his bald little head.
313
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:34,055
You know what,
314
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:34,055
if you don't believe me
315
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:36,433
maybe you'll believe my mother.
316
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:40,437
She always said, "A hat on the
317
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:40,437
head keeps a child out of bed."
318
00:08:40,479 --> 00:08:42,189
Alright, well, I'll call
319
00:08:40,479 --> 00:08:42,189
my mom on the other line.
320
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,940
She's got a few
321
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,940
sayings of her own.
322
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,485
My favorite is,
323
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,485
"My boy is always right."
324
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:49,404
Ha! Oh, hi, mom.
325
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,365
Yeah, mom, listen.
326
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,365
Could you talk to Jesse?
327
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,242
He has a very cavalier
328
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,242
attitude with the babies.
329
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:57,162
Hi, ma. Becky is really
330
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:57,162
overprotective of these kids.
331
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,913
- Mm-hmm.
332
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,913
- Mm-hmm.
333
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,124
(both)
334
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,124
She wants to talk to you.
335
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,084
- I don't wanna talk to her.
336
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,084
- Talk to her.
337
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,127
Be nice to my mom.
338
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,127
Right now!
339
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,337
- No, you--
340
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,337
- Yes!
341
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,422
- Hi, Nedra.
342
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,422
- Hi, Irene.
343
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:08,631
- How are you?
344
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:08,631
- Hello.
345
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,133
- Yeah. Fine.
346
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,133
- Mm-hmm.
347
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,676
- Right. Yeah, well.
348
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,676
- Listen.
349
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,178
- My mom always said--
350
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,178
- My mom said that--
351
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,388
(both)
352
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,388
Uh-huh.
353
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,805
Let me just, let me just
354
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,805
ask this-this
355
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,182
d-did you really say
356
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,434
"A hat on the head
357
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,434
keeps a child out of bed?"
358
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:20,601
Uh-huh.
359
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,020
Really?
360
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,524
You stitched it on a sampler?
361
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,524
Right. I got it.
362
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,026
"A scarf on the throat
363
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,026
goes great with a coat."
364
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,404
Right.
365
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,404
Mm-hmm.
366
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,239
Uh-huh. Oh, yes.
367
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,239
I'm writing these down. Yeah.
368
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,367
- Oh, yeah. Got 'em.
369
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,367
- O-okay. Hold on.
370
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:36,743
Your mom wants
371
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:36,743
to talk to my mom.
372
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,870
Good. Because your mom
373
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,870
wants to talk to my mom.
374
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,417
[indistinct chatter]
375
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,670
I can't put my mother
376
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,670
through this.
377
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,881
Ma, doesn't Becky's mom
378
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,881
squawk like a chick?
379
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:55,429
Hi, Becky's mom.
380
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,306
No. Oh, no, no. I didn't say,
381
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,306
"squawk like a chicken."
382
00:09:58,348 --> 00:09:59,640
No, no, no. I said..
383
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,227
I said, "talks
384
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,227
like Charles Dickens."
385
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,895
[chuckles]
386
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,940
Okay. Yeah.
387
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,940
God bless us everyone.
388
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,944
Oh, nice move, Jess.
389
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:12,362
[Alex crying]
390
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,489
- Uh-oh. That's Alex.
391
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,489
- H-h-hold it, Becky.
392
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,450
You can't go charging
393
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,450
in the room every time
394
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,659
the kid makes
395
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,659
the slightest little peep.
396
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,954
Watch me.
397
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,705
If you're doing
398
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,705
this to annoy me..
399
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,207
...it's working.
400
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,335
- Hi, there, babe.
401
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,335
- Mommy's here.
402
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:28,962
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
403
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,590
- Oh, what's the matter--
404
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,590
- See, Beck, there you go again.
405
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,425
Y-you're treating 'em
406
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,425
like little mama's boys.
407
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,303
Now he's gotta-he's gotta
408
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,303
stand on his own two feet.
409
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,930
Jess, he doesn't
410
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,930
even know he has feet.
411
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,723
Babies need to feel secure.
412
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,100
Their personalities are affected
413
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,851
by every decision that we make.
414
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:44,978
That why we got to be cool
415
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:46,813
so they'll grow up to be cool.
416
00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:49,441
Beck, these kids
417
00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:49,441
were born to be wild.
418
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:52,068
Excuse me, they were born
419
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:52,068
to be little gentlemen.
420
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,862
That'll make a fine tattoo.
421
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,824
Beck, you're turning
422
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,824
our kids into wimps.
423
00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,742
Beck, I-I just think that
424
00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,742
from now on you ought to let me
425
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,786
make the parenting
426
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,786
decisions around here.
427
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,204
Oh, well,
428
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,204
that would be a good plan
429
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,416
except every decision
430
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:06,416
you make is wrong.
431
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,876
The point is, I know more
432
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,876
about raising kids than you do.
433
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,378
- Ha!
434
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,378
- Yeah.
435
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:13,089
I bet if I raised Alex
436
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:13,089
and you raised Nicky
437
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:16,468
my child would be perfect
438
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:16,468
and yours would be a mess.
439
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:19,762
Oh, in the words
440
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:19,762
of Michelle, "puh-lease."
441
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,724
I can just imagine how
442
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,724
Alex would turn out.
443
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,353
Oh, and I can just imagine
444
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,353
what you would do to Nicky.
445
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,149
Mommy! Mommy!
446
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,776
Mommy! Guess what!
447
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,776
Guess what!
448
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,320
What? What is it, Alex dear?
449
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,531
I have big news.
450
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,531
Where's daddy?
451
00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:38,823
He's in the bathroom.
452
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,492
Jess! Honey!
453
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,952
'Not now, Beck.'
454
00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:45,246
I'm moussing my new hair plugs.
455
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,250
Jess, would you stop
456
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,250
obsessing about your hair?
457
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,335
Whatever you're losing
458
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,335
on your head
459
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,671
you're growing on your back.
460
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:54,881
Thank God! Where do you
461
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:54,881
think I got these plugs from.
462
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:59,219
Daddy, mommy, I made the team!
463
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,013
Oh, Alex, that's wonderful!
464
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,682
Oh, Jess, isn't that wonderful?
465
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,808
- 'Yeah.'
466
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,808
- Yes, isn't that great, father?
467
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,394
Hey, that is terrific, son.
468
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,564
Getting into sports, there.
469
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,564
Attaboy!
470
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:13,774
Yeah, what are you playing?
471
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:13,774
Either football or basketball?
472
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,902
- Chess.
473
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,902
- Chess.
474
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,656
Actually,
475
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,656
I'm the equipment manager.
476
00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:21,074
I get to carry all the pieces
477
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,867
and set 'em up
478
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,867
before each match.
479
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,994
- Huh.
480
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,994
- We even have a cheer.
481
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,705
♪ Take your time
482
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,705
Take your time ♪
483
00:12:26,745 --> 00:12:28,164
♪ Think think think ♪
484
00:12:28,206 --> 00:12:29,708
♪ Outmaneuver your opponent ♪
485
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:31,959
♪ Till he's in a quandary ♪♪
486
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,879
That's-that's nice.
487
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:36,923
That's a nice cheer there, son.
488
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,592
A quandary cheer.
489
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:38,592
I-I like that one.
490
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,219
That's a-that's a terri..
491
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,219
What have you done to our son?
492
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,138
Oh, like you did such
493
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,138
a good job with Nicky.
494
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,224
[motorcycle revving]
495
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,766
Jess, I thought
496
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,766
you were gonna talk to him
497
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,936
about riding that motorcycle
498
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,936
in the house.
499
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:52,355
Well, I am. I'm gonna
500
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:52,355
talk to him right now.
501
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,734
[engine revving]
502
00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:57,776
Son?
503
00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,405
Hey, Ward. Hey, June.
504
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,989
Hey, beav!
505
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:04,743
Nicholas, what did I
506
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:04,743
tell you about riding
507
00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:06,661
that motorcycle in the bedroom?
508
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,622
Becky, Nick is a biker, okay?
509
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,622
He's gotta ride his bike.
510
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:09,914
He's-he's too young
511
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:09,914
to ride in the street.
512
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,375
So he's gotta ride in the house.
513
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,918
Nick, but, uh, just be careful.
514
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,254
Wear a helmet when you're goin'
515
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,254
up and down the stairs.
516
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,048
I know. Don't pop a plug.
517
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,555
You can tell I have plugs?
518
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,140
Only when I look at 'em.
519
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,058
[laughs]
520
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:32,019
Well, Jess, you didn't
521
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:32,019
raise a mama's boy.
522
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:34,731
Well, he's just going
523
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:34,731
through a difficult stage.
524
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:37,024
His life.
525
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:40,153
Mommy, I'm chafing again!
526
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,949
Oh, hold on one second,
527
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,949
sweetheart.
528
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,076
Mommy's coming.
529
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,076
Turn around.
530
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:49,036
Here's the cornstarch.
531
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,874
[laughing]
532
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,794
What a dork!
533
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,003
[laughing]
534
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,548
Mommy, Nicholas
535
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,548
just called me a dork.
536
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,925
[sobbing]
537
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,427
Oh, baby.
538
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,427
Yes, baby.
539
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,179
You see how you messed up Alex?
540
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,889
Ha! Not as bad as you
541
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,889
messed up Nicky!
542
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,558
Well, at least he doesn't cry.
543
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,311
He can't help it.
544
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,311
He has a rash.
545
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,398
He's got a rash,
546
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,398
he-he should take it like a man.
547
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,484
Now you see what'll happen
548
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,484
if we baby these kids?
549
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,945
Oh! My kid would never
550
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,945
turn out to be such a wimp.
551
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,614
But your kid,
552
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,614
that was pretty scary.
553
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:26,282
No, that would never happen.
554
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,993
Are you saying that your kid
555
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,993
wouldn't be out of control?
556
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,287
No. I'm saying
557
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,287
I'll never lose my hair.
558
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,997
If I do, I'll get
559
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,997
one of those rugs that stays
560
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,291
on in the wind
561
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,291
and in the pool and everything.
562
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:39,086
Hey, Jess?
563
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,798
Does this baby
564
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,798
look a little flushed to you?
565
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,592
Yeah, he does.
566
00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:47,637
He's warm, too.
567
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:50,056
He sounds congested.
568
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:53,059
Becky, what do we do? Our kids
569
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:53,059
have never been sick before.
570
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,143
Alright. Don't panic. Um..
571
00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,562
I-I'll take his temperature.
572
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:56,855
Alright, I'll get
573
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:56,855
the humidifier.
574
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,356
- I'll call the doctor.
575
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,356
- Yeah.
576
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,774
You know, I'll-I'll take..
577
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:02,360
...take him out
578
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:02,360
just in case he's contagious.
579
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,612
It's okay, sweetie.
580
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,612
Everything's gonna be okay.
581
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,740
Mommy's going to take
582
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,740
your temperature, okay?
583
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,076
[instrumental music]
584
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:15,998
What is taking
585
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:15,998
my dinner so long?
586
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,958
Are my friends looking at me?
587
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,002
DJ, nobody is looking at you.
588
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,714
[indistinct chatter]
589
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:25,550
[sighs]
590
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:25,550
Can I wait in the car?
591
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,427
Honey, there is no fun
592
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,427
happening in the car.
593
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:29,554
All the fun is right here.
594
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,472
Ugh!
595
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,394
Why did I order this?
596
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,355
Here, Michelle.
597
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,943
Ew, gross!
598
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,943
Kill it, daddy!
599
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:45,779
Michelle, it's just an octopus
600
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,530
and it's already dead.
601
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,078
Excuse me, sir, could you, uh
602
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,122
put our little
603
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,122
eight-legged cephalopod
604
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:58,082
back in the tank, please?
605
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:02,169
Are you sure
606
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:02,169
it's not my birthday?
607
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,880
Yes, sweetheart,
608
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,880
for the hundredth time
609
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,590
it's that little girl's
610
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,590
birthday.
611
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:08,426
And that's why she gets
612
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:08,426
the chocolate cake, alright?
613
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,679
Is she going to eat
614
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,679
the whole thing?
615
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,641
Michelle, just suck it up
616
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,641
and move on.
617
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,477
Ahoy!
618
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:21,314
Knackwurst and potato
619
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:21,314
pancakes for the landlubber.
620
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:24,150
Well, it's about time.
621
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:26,152
Hey! I know you!
622
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,279
You're Ranger Joe from TV!
623
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,573
Hey, kids, look who's here!
624
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,573
It's Ranger Joe!
625
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,074
- Ranger Joe!
626
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,074
- Look at this.
627
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,993
- There you go.
628
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,993
- Kids.
629
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,578
I-I'd like to sign your
630
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,578
autographs, but could you wait
631
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,079
till after I finished my dinner?
632
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:39,206
[sneezes]
633
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,335
I'm finished. Okay.
634
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:43,628
Where's that pen?
635
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:47,089
- Hi, DJ!
636
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:47,089
- Oh, hi, Shelly.
637
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:48,424
What are you guys doing here?
638
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,176
We thought it'd be
639
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,176
a riot to come goof
640
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,720
on all the lame
641
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,720
families that come here.
642
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,138
[chuckling]
643
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,974
That's why we're here too.
644
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:59,226
Uh-uh. It's Tanner Family
645
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:59,226
Fun Night.
646
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,647
I got to tell
647
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,647
the guys this one.
648
00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:06,150
I've got to find a new school.
649
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,111
Ew!
650
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:12,114
This one has eyes!
651
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:15,117
I'm sorry, but I can't eat
652
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:15,117
anything that's looking at me.
653
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,078
Sweetheart, you can't let
654
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,078
all this food go to waste.
655
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,413
Joey, you want to eat it?
656
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,624
Danny, that's not dinner.
657
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,624
It's marineland.
658
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:25,378
A whole semester
659
00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:25,378
trying to be cool
660
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:28,923
wiped out by one night
661
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:28,923
of Tanner Family Fun.
662
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,217
Okay, that's it.
663
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,217
We're out of here.
664
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:33,761
- Check, please!
665
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:33,761
- Not so fast, matey!
666
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:37,139
I spy a landlubber who hasn't
667
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:37,139
finished his Sunken Treasure.
668
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,266
And that means
669
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,266
you walk the plank!
670
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,353
[all chanting]
671
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:42,353
Plank! Plank! Plank!
672
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,647
[bell ringing]
673
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,190
Plank! Plank!
674
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:47,400
- Enough!
675
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:47,400
- Plank, plank!
676
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,193
Harr!
677
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,611
That's your favorite letter,
678
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,611
isn't it?
679
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,364
Any last words?
680
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,909
Yes. There's something
681
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,909
I'd like to say to my family.
682
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,955
Tonight...I had a dream..
683
00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,000
...that people who love each
684
00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,000
other could go out together..
685
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:07,837
..to laugh, have fun..
686
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:09,756
...to eat fish.
687
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,884
But who was I kidding?
688
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:13,968
Only myself.
689
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,386
Okay, I'm ready now.
690
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,514
[all chanting]
691
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,514
Plank! Plank! Plank!
692
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:20,808
- 'Wait!'
693
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:20,808
- Plank!
694
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,268
[sighs]
695
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,268
This is my fault.
696
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:23,603
I'm the one who ordered
697
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:27,565
"The Undersea World
698
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:27,565
Of Jacques Cousteau."
699
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,317
And if anyone deserves
700
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,317
to walk the plank, it's me!
701
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,737
[all chanting]
702
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,737
Plank! Plank! Plank!
703
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,782
Hold on.
704
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,782
Hold on.
705
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:38,242
I should be the one
706
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:38,242
who has to walk the plank.
707
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,493
The reason we didn't
708
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,493
have fun tonight
709
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,662
was because of my bad attitude.
710
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,790
So someone sneezed
711
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,790
on my knackwurst.
712
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,332
Big deal.
713
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,001
Dad, Joey's right.
714
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,587
We all had bad attitudes.
715
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,714
I admit, when I first came here
716
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,549
I was a little embarrassed.
717
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:57,053
But now that I'm up here
718
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:57,053
standing on a boat..
719
00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,055
...and seeing
720
00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,055
everybody stare at me
721
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:01,015
I'm totally humiliated.
722
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:03,851
My turn!
723
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:06,562
Sarah, are you going
724
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:06,562
to eat all that cake?
725
00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:11,734
Oh, you know..
726
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:14,070
...this was really sweet
727
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:14,070
of you guys to come up here.
728
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:16,280
This was kind of the Tanner
729
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:16,280
Family Fun I was hoping for.
730
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,865
[all chanting]
731
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,865
Plank! Plank! Plank!
732
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,326
Okay, okay,
733
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,326
I'll walk the plank.
734
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,620
But not because
735
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,620
I didn't clean my plate.
736
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,581
Because I came here
737
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,581
for Tanner Family Fun Night
738
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,541
and gosh, darn it, we Tanners
739
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,541
are gonna have some fun!
740
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,376
- Am I right, me buckos?
741
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,376
- Harr!
742
00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,503
Yeah!
743
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,212
Okay.
744
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,090
Man overboard! Ho!
745
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:36,216
[thud]
746
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,719
Well, blow me down! Whoa!
747
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:40,138
[thud]
748
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,306
Cannonball!
749
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,934
Cowabunga!
750
00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:46,477
[thud]
751
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,770
I'll go wait in the car.
752
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:49,730
Harr!
753
00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,691
What the heck!
754
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,693
- Hey, hey.
755
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,693
- Thank you.
756
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,320
[all squealing]
757
00:19:58,405 --> 00:19:59,448
Look out!
758
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,283
Help me!
759
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:03,911
[indistinct chatter]
760
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,459
It's okay, honey.
761
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,459
You're gonna be alright.
762
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,419
Jess, when is the doctor
763
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,419
gonna call?
764
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,629
It's been over an hour.
765
00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:15,297
[sighs]
766
00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:15,297
I don't know.
767
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:18,509
Becky, I'm sorry. This-this
768
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:18,509
whole thing's my fault.
769
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,511
- Jess, it's not your fault.
770
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,511
- Oh, yes it is.
771
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,680
I should've listened to you
772
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,680
in the first place. I mean..
773
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,099
You know, I took-I took Alex
774
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,099
out without a hat to get pizza
775
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,267
and now he's got a fever.
776
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,267
I'm sorry.
777
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:30,396
Honey, it was Nicky
778
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:30,396
you took out without a hat.
779
00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:32,815
It was?
780
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,778
Becky, I-I don't know
781
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,778
what I'm doing here anymore.
782
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,863
I know what you mean.
783
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,198
I feel like
784
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,198
these kids should come
785
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,615
with an owner's manual.
786
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,159
[telephone ringing]
787
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,495
Hello? Yes, Dr. Arnold.
788
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:48,039
Okay. Thanks for calling back.
789
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,290
Listen, Alex has
790
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,290
a-a temperature of 101.
791
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,545
Yeah, yeah, we did the compress.
792
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,630
Right, we did the humidifier.
793
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,841
I took the other baby out.
794
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,841
Yeah, right.
795
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,219
We did it.
796
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,970
Did it.
797
00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:05,472
That's it? What am I
798
00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:05,472
paying you for?
799
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:07,641
Just kidding.
800
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,018
Alright. Thanks, doc.
801
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:10,394
Bye.
802
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,188
What did he say?
803
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:13,397
He said we're doing
804
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:13,397
everything right
805
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,524
and there's nothing else to do.
806
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,152
Hey, Jess?
807
00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:19,486
Look at this.
808
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:22,322
[sighs]
809
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:22,322
Alex's temperature
810
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:22,322
is back to normal.
811
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:24,117
That's it? We did it? We got him
812
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:24,117
through his first fever?
813
00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:25,701
Yes and we didn't even
814
00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:25,701
argue about it.
815
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:26,786
Or even call our moms.
816
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,913
[laughing]
817
00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:32,499
Beck, I'm sorry, I..
818
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,752
...I've been a real pain.
819
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,503
I'm sorry, too.
820
00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:40,883
Honey, we both want
821
00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:40,883
what's best for our kids
822
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,677
and we just disagree sometimes
823
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,677
on how to get there.
824
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:46,722
Yeah, about this parenting
825
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:46,722
thing, I mean..
826
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,099
...these kids are gonna be
827
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,099
hanging around the house
828
00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:49,934
for a good 18 to 19 more years.
829
00:21:49,976 --> 00:21:50,977
[laughs]
830
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,270
We better come up with a plan.
831
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,521
Okay, I think, instead
832
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,521
of arguing so much
833
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,565
we should really
834
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,565
listen to each other.
835
00:21:56,607 --> 00:21:58,234
And then we can take
836
00:21:56,607 --> 00:21:58,234
the best of what each of us
837
00:21:58,276 --> 00:22:00,069
has to say and compromise.
838
00:22:00,111 --> 00:22:01,361
That's a good plan.
839
00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:03,156
- Well, we make a great team.
840
00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:03,156
- Mm-hmm.
841
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,909
Actually, I, uh,
842
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,909
smell an opportunity
843
00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:09,078
for teamwork as we speak.
844
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,747
Okay, so what do
845
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,747
we use, partner?
846
00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:13,207
Cornstarch or baby powder?
847
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:16,836
Well, I say, we go
848
00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:16,836
for a little combo platter.
849
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:20,840
Alright. We'll make a very
850
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:20,840
special baby butt blend.
851
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:24,426
Here we go.
852
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:24,426
I'll mix and you apply.
853
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,179
- Ah, what a team!
854
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,179
- Yeah!
855
00:22:26,220 --> 00:22:28,430
Alright. We're ready.
856
00:22:26,220 --> 00:22:28,430
Let's take 'em off.
857
00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:30,641
- Wh-whoa!
858
00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:30,641
- Ohh! Whoo!
859
00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:36,897
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪♪
860
00:22:49,327 --> 00:22:52,412
[music continues]