[theme music]
Let's get your arm ready.
We better fix it.
[popping]
Get my nose, ready?
[honking]
Ha ha ha.
[honking]
Yeah, you got my nose.
You gonna get my nose?
[honking]
Very good.
Guys, you're missing
the best one.
[trumpeting]
Charge! I love that one.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paperboy evenin' TV ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost
out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
I've come up with 20 slogans
for the stay-in-school campaign
and they're all lame.
Hold on, I'm takin'
a personality test.
I'm this close
to having a personality.
Kimmy.
Okay, you want
a stay-in-school slogan?
How about this one?
Be smart
and get your schooling
or you'll be living on a couch,
burping and drooling.
[laughing]
Hey. Hey, guys.
Hold on.
'I'm really glad
you're home.'
'We've been working
on this campaign..'
Well, I've been working on this
campaign for the sophomore class
'and since all the kids
listens to you on the radio'
we thought, you guys will be
perfect spokesmen.
Spokesmen, huh?
I guess that means
I can date spokesmodels.
Hey, Deej, we're
there for you.
Hey, what exactly
are we spokesmen for?
It's a stay-in-school campaign.
That's pretty cool.
Good cause, huh, Jesse?
Yeah, that's, uh, that's a real
nice cause, um, but, uh
I'm sorry, I can't, I can't
help you out with that one.
Well, why not?
I just have too many
things going.
A lot of projects.
(Joey)
'Really?'
Like what?
I have to paint the house.
The house
was just painted.
Oh, yeah.
And it looks great, too.
Uh, no, actually, I have to
paint the driveway.
That's what I
have to paint..
The driveway doesn't go with
the curb at all.
It's a whole clashing thing.
Girls, I'm sorry.
I don't know what the heck's
going on with him.
- That was really weird.
- Yeah.
I thought your driveway went
great with your curb.
Girls, dinner's ready.
Great. I'm starved.
Stop.
You forgot.
Somebody has to
tie my shoe.
Michelle, I tied your shoe
at breakfast
on the way to school
on the way
back from school
and twice, since
we've been home.
Well, then you're not
doing a very good job.
Michelle.
Excuse me, Steph.
You know what, I think,
it's time to teach you
the shoelace tying song.
Come over here
and watch closely what I do.
I'm excellent at this, okay?
Here we go,
It goes like this.
♪ Over under
around the tree.. ♪♪
Dad, it's not over, under.
It's under, over.
♪ Under, over,
around the tree.. ♪♪
That's a beautiful rendition,
honey, but I'm positive
that it's over, then under.
Dad, you've been
wearing loafers too long.
It's definitely
under, then over.
Sweetheart, I've been tying
shoes for 30 years.
Maybe you've been
doing it wrong for 30 years.
Aunt Becky.
How did you learn
to tie your shoe?
Oh, my parents
taught me little a song.
I hope there's not
a tree in it.
No, but there's
a cute little bunny.
Here.
Hold your shoe up.
Goes like this.
♪ Bunny boy
bunny boy ♪
♪ Around the ear
to there ♪
♪ Step inside
the bunny hole ♪
♪ And I'll show you a pair ♪♪
See?
Kinda.
Okay, Michelle, we've been
working on it, and we've got it.
- Okay, Steph, hit it.
- Okay.
♪ Over or under ♪
♪ Around the tree ♪
♪ Swing past the knothole ♪
♪ Pull and see ♪♪
No wonder she can't
tie her shoe.
Luckily, I just taught her
"Bunny Boy Bunny Boy."
"Bunny Boy Bunny Boy?"
This is very complicated.
Have you guys seen Jess?
He's been acting
so strange.
He just backed out
of our stay-in-school campaign
with some weird excuse about
having to painting the driveway.
Actually, it's not a bad idea.
It never did match the curb.
I can't believe
that Jesse won't help.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
We gonna eat or what?
Well, honey,
we're just concerned.
It would mean a lot to D.J.
if you help out
with her
stay-in-school project?
What's the matter with people?
I-I told you I'm busy.
If I'm busy,
I'm busy, that's all.
Painting the driveway?
Got something against
home improvement?
You know, uh, it really
is a good cause.
I'm sure it is.
There's gotta be
a way out of here.
Uncle Jesse,
you know, at my school
one kid drops out
every week.
So, go talk to him
and stop bugging me about it.
No, you aren't leaving here
until we get a straight answer.
Now, why won't you help D.J.
with her campaign?
Alright, you wanna know
why I can't help D.J.
with the campaign?
I can't help with your
stay-in-school campaign
because I didn't
stay in school.
- What?
I'm a dropout.
[dramatic music]
There.
Let's just, uh, move on
with our lives, okay?
You heard the man.
Let's move on with our lives.
[instrumental music]
Hello, my cute
little sons.
Hello?
Hey, listen, it's time
for you guys to go to bed.
It's time for you guys
to go to bed now, okay?
Bye.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Hey, listen, guys, uh..
Before it hits the streets
I might as well tell you.
Your old man's
a high school dropout.
Ah, who needs
a diploma anyway, right?
I mean, does that put food
on your, on your plate
and diapers
on your little tushies?
'I don't think so.'
You're old man's
doing okay, huh?
I mean, granted,
I'm no Albert Einstein
but, who'd wanna be
with that hair.
Bucket of mousse
couldn't tame that head.
What's really
important to me is..
...is what you guys thinkin'.
I'm guessin' you love me
with or without
a diploma, huh?
Can I have a kiss?
You dad have a little kiss?
Have a little one?
You, too? Aww.
[dramatic music]
Shh. Goodnight.
Good night, munchkins.
- So, Jesse--
- Oh.
Anything you care
to talk about?
Can't think
of a thing, Beck.
Jess, I can't believe
you never told anyone
you didn't
graduate high school.
Just didn't come up
in conversation
over the past 11 years.
Oh, no, you don't.
You are not getting away
with that again.
Honey, you and I
are best friends.
We tell each other
everything.
Won't you please
tell me what happened?
I just..
I'm embarrassed
about this, it..
It was my senior year.
I don't know, I was just playing
a lot of shows with my band
I just got
this new motorcycle..
I don't know,
it was just more fun
than going to
English class with Mr. Pearson.
Used to start
each class with
"Read any good
books lately?"
- No.
- Yeah.
- He said that?
- Yeah.
This guy
was a killer and..
You know, he made us memorize
this poem
"Oh, Captain, My Captain."
And when I got up
to recite it
the guy
just tore me to shreds
because I, because I forgot
a few words.
How many words?
Everything after
"Oh, captain, my captain."
The point is, that he really
made me look like an idiot
and all the kids
were laughing at me.
I just, I asked asked
if I could go to the bathroom
and I-I never came back.
Honey, you're
only missing one class.
You could go back
and make that up.
Oh, yeah.
[scoffs]
What am I gonna say?
I got locked in the stall
and just now got out?
Sweetheart, what are you
going to tell Nicky and Alex?
What if one day
they wanna drop out of school?
Well, I just talked to them
about it.
They're totally cool.
How about you?
Are you totally cool?
I could be cooler.
I'm not proud
of being a dropout.
So drop back in.
Ah, it's too late
and I'm too old.
- You're right. You can't do it.
- I could do it.
- If I wanted to, I could do it.
- Well, then do it.
I just wanna make
my own decisions, that's all.
Well, then, make a decision.
What do you want?
- I want that diploma.
- Then go get it.
- Then, I'm gonna get it.
- Alright, honey.
I am so proud of you.
This was my decision,
wasn't it?
- Oh, of course, sweetheart.
- Yeah. Right.
- Yeah.
- Okay. See ya.
I'm going back to school.
[instrumental music]
I'm going back to school.
[instrumental music]
Joey, I think your end's
a little low.
Really?
I've been working out
with my heinie-master.
Just raise the banner.
- Hey.
- 'Hi.'
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey.
has you uncle Jesse left
for night school yet?
No, he's still upstairs.
He wants his hair to be perfect.
He's been doing it
since six o'clock.
For an hour?
Since six o'clock
this morning.
I got it!
♪ Over under
around the tree ♪
♪ Swing past the knothole ♪
♪ Pull and see ♪♪
- That's great, Michelle.
- Oh, Michelle.
That's fantastic.
Wow, all that practicing
really paid off.
Now, let me see you
tie your shoe.
My shoe?
I just learned the song.
Here, squirt, let me show you
the Gibbler way
to tie your shoe.
- Ew!
- Whoa!
Gibbler, put that shoe on
before you set off
the smoke alarm.
Okay, everybody.
Here he is.
America's newest
high school student.
- 'Hey.'
America's oldest
high school student.
Kimmy, even you
can't get to me today.
I'm in such a great mood.
I'm so excited
about going back to school.
I even stayed up all night,
memorizin' this poem
"Oh, Captain, My Captain."
Yeah. Hey.
Is that
from "Star Trek" one or two?
I think it's from two, Steve.
[imitating Scotty]
Oh, captain, my captain.
She's breakin' up,
I've got to hit more power.
For your information
it's by a guy
named Walt Whitman
one of America's
finest poets.
Steve and I got you
this thesaurus.
Well, actually,
D.J. picked it out
and D.J. paid for it
but, I drove her
to the mall.
Jesse, we're all
really proud of you.
It takes a lot of guts to do
what you're doin'.
Yeah, goin'
back to school.
No, being late
for your first class.
Better get going.
Hey, thanks, guys,
for everything.
and, uh, see you
after school.
Watch out
for the big kids at recess.
Good luck.
[sighs]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Ah.
Front row.
Pretty good seats.
Didn't even have to
pay a scalper.
Hey. Hey, man.
I know you.
You're Jesse
from Jesse And The Rippers?
Oh. Yeah.
Nice to see you.
Listen, listen I'm here
to get my diploma.
So, uh, let's not make a big
deal out of it, okay?
Okay.
Okay, make
a big deal out of it.
Hey, man, you play
at the Smash Club.
You did like a real cool kick
while playing the keyboard.
Oh, yeah, that's my Bruce Lee
meets Liberace thing, I do.
Yeah, like this, right?
No, no.
I said Bruce Lee not Sara Lee.
It goes more like this,
you get the piano goin'
and then you do
a slide like that.
But, you gotta get
at fever pitch, once you get
fever pitch, then you slide
like this and sometimes
you go back and sometimes you go
and up and back and slide again
and go and slide again
and go and slide..
Read any good books
lately?
Mr. Pearson.
Jesse Katsopolis?
Wasn't it 10 years ago
I gave you a pass
to the bathroom?
Yes. Yes, it was.
Uh, they were out
of toilet paper
so I figured, what the heck,
I'll quit school.
I'm gonna,
I'm gonna sit down now.
You're starting this class
a week after the others.
I suggest you pay
extra attention.
Oh, no, no, no.
Hey, I'm a new man, sir.
No more screwin' off.
I'm here to kick butt.
I see your English
is still as gentile and elegant
as that of a Viking.
Thank you, sir.
Now, let's move on from the
ridiculous to the sublime
and continue our discussion
of "The Red Badge Of Courage."
"The Red Badge Of Coo-rege."
Stephen Crane published
this narrative in 1895.
Excuse me, sir, now do we
need to know dates for tests?
There are no tests.
Only examinations
of a mind
in the form of essays, and yes,
you will need to know dates.
Could've just said
yes or no.
Mr. Katsopolis,
are you going to be
a miscreant all your life?
I don't know.
Let's see,
miscreant, miscreant.
Miscreant.
No, sir, no.
I'm not going to be a
troublemaker, a rabble-rouser
ne'er-do-well, or knave.
I don't know
why you're here, Mr. Katsopolis.
But, since
you've presented me
with the challenge
of teaching you once again
I suggest that you
open your mind..
...and shut your yap.
In this class,
you'll read four novels.
You'll do
an oral presentation
as well as
an in-depth analysis
fifteen pages,
single-spaced
of your favorite
American author..
...should you know one.
For your information, sir,
I do know one.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Walter Whitman.
I'd like to do a poem
right now if I may.
It goes something
like this. Ahem.
Oh, captain, my captain
our fearful trip is done.
The ship has weathered
every rack
the prize we sought is won.
I am impressed,
Mr. Katsopolis.
Why, thank you,
Mr. Pearson.
Would you mind, tell
the class what it means?
Okay.
Okay, I'll tell you.
Uh, it's about this,
um, this captain
and about his fearful trip
and it was done,
it was finished.
And they got
out of the rack
and they won a prize,
they all won prizes.
Actually, Mr. Katsopolis, this
poem is about Abraham Lincoln.
No, why didn't they call it
Oh, Lincoln, My Lincoln?
I suggest you sit down,
Mr. Katsopolis
very slowly,
so you won't injure your brain.
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
Sir, you mind if I
go to the bathroom?
It's right
where you left it.
See you in ten years.
Hi, daddy.
Hey, sweetheart.
Come here.
How's your shoe tying
coming along?
Piece of cake.
What the heck is that glob
of pink stuff on your shoe?
Piece of bubble gum.
Sweetheart, why'd you tie
your shoe with bubble gum?
The Play-Doh
didn't stick.
Michelle, I know how hard
you've been trying
to learn how to
ties your shoe
but, bubble gum
can get pretty messy.
I'll keep trying.
Where's the stapler?
Forget about
the stapler.
The only way you're gonna learn
how to tie your shoe
is just to keep practicing.
Okay.
Practice,
practice, practice.
I think mine
will be better.
Hey, could you guys
help us out please?
These two
can't decide on a slogan.
They're arguing so much,
I can't hear myself chew.
Why don't we
put it to a vote?
And please, be fair.
Don't let me
influence you in any way.
You can't
buy my vote
but you can rent it
for an hour.
Okay, here's my slogan.
People who are smart
finish what they start.
Stay in school.
- It's very good, Deej.
- Yeah.
And now the second choice,
the only choice.
Stay in school.
Don't be an idiot.
Don't drop out
even if you have to
glue your butt to a chair.
Catchy.
Okay, it's voting time.
What do you think?
- D.J.
- Deej.
- D.J.
Kimmy.
- Steve.
- What?
I like that gluing
your butt part.
Hey, sweetheart,
you're back early.
- How did it go?
- Here.
Give these to Nicky and Alex,
they can color them.
I'm guessing,
it didn't go very well?
You guessed right.
What about the campaign?
You better find yourself another
stay-in-school poster boy.
I quit.
What's goin' on, munchkin.
You're throwing out
all your shoes?
Only the ones
with the laces.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it. Hold it.
Now, come here.
I know you're, uh
having a little trouble
with the shoe tying thing
but, don't you think
you're bein' a little hasty?
No, 'cause I don't know
what hasty means.
That mean, you gotta
think things out first.
I mean, if you throw out
all your shoes
what are you gonna
wear on your feet?
Sandals, slippers,
anything with Velcro.
Oh, Michelle, you don't wanna be
a quitter.
You don't feel
good about yourself.
I mean, quitting
is for losers.
Don't wanna
let yourself down
and all the people
who care about you.
[dramatic music]
Everything
I'm saying to you
I should be saying
to myself.
[sighs]
Old buddy, I, uh..
Quit school tonight.
Again?
Yes, again.
What did you do that for?
Well, school just turned out be
a lot harder than I thought
just like tying your shoes was
harder than you thought.
Tell me about it.
If you can quit, I can quit.
Come on, Michelle,
don't you wanna learn
how to tie your shoes?
Don't you wanna finish school?
Yes, I do.
I tell you what
let's make a deal, huh?
Okay, it's a deal.
I haven't even told you
the deal yet.
Alright, this is the deal,
I'll go back to night school
if you learn
how to tie your shoes.
'Cause in the end, we'll feel
really good about ourselves
'cause we worked so hard.
What do you say?
Okay, is it a deal now?
Now it's a deal.
Let's shake on it.
Jesse, we just had
a family meeting..
and we've decided that we're
not gonna let you quit.
Yeah, you might hate
our guts for this.
You might
kick and scream.
But, it's only
because we love you.
Okay.
You guys win.
I'm going back
to night school.
You know, it is, I think he knew
that I really meant business.
Yeah, I wasn't
taking no for an answer.
I'm glad we played hardball.
We're so good,
we're bad.
[instrumental music]
♪ Under ♪
♪ Over ♪
♪ Around the tree ♪
♪ Swing past the knothole ♪
♪ Pull and see ♪♪
♪ Bunny boy bunny boy ♪
♪ Around the ear
to there.. ♪♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow ♪♪