[theme music]
Okay, Steph.
Where is my sweater?
Good morning to you, too.
- I want my pink sweater.
- What pink sweater?
The one you were in love with.
The one you've always wanted.
The one I heard you
talking to Michelle about.
The one that's
not in my closet.
Oh. That
pink sweater.
Sorry. Haven't
seen it.
Excuse me.
Do you think this color
looks good on me?
I think someone
owes me an apology.
I think somebody owes me
a sweater.
I think someone better
get out of here!
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Well, dad..
...thanks for another
stimulating driving lesson.
Around the block
for the zillionth time.
Now, now, Deej,
you're becoming
quite the little
motorist, honey.
You really are.
You-you use your mirrors well.
Your parallel parking
is very good.
And you always remember
to signal.
So, I'm ready
for the freeway?
No! No. No. No.
No way, honey, you, uh, you
haven't mastered U-turns
and your yields are shaky
I'm still not happy with
the way you defrost.
I don't believe you.
I'm asking daddy.
Asking daddy what?
Michelle, go ahead,
but I told you..
...there is no such thing
as a Norwegian goat boy.
A Norwegian goat boy?
See, the boy with the horns
eating the tin can?
Steph, I told you
to stop wasting
your allowance
on junk like..
Whoa. Are those udders?
Is the Norwegian goat boy
going to come
to our house?
Of course not, honey.
If any goat boy's coming
to our house
it's gonna be the
San Francisco goat boy.
Oh, no!
I'm out of here!
Michelle, I was
just kidding.
There's no such thing
as a goat boy.
- 'Michelle.'
- Alright, boys.
Okay, yeah,
this is it
the moment we've all
been waiting for.
They're potty trained?
I wish. Okay.
No, it's time for
Jesse and Joey's radio show.
"The Rush Hour Renegades."
(Jesse on radio)
'Congratulations, Bob,
You've won two pounds'
'of ice but
not just any ice..'
Yes, who is that?
Who's that?
- Daddy.
Daddy.
Ahh!
Yay!
You know, I bet
our listeners are wondering
why the heck are we
giving away ice.
Because we ran out
of pocket protectors.
Oh no, you'd think that.
Yeah, you'd think that.
No, it's actually our way
of reminding
everyone that I'll
be playing in the
Bay City Charity
Foundation Hockey Game
this Saturday
at Iceoplex.
[cheering]
Yes and I,
Jesse Katsopolis
will be announcing
the game
right here on KFLH.
[booing]
You know, uh, Jess,
no offense but it is
kind of traditional
for hockey announcers
to know something
about the game of ice hockey.
Come on, Joe,
what's to know?
A bunch of toothless guys
hitting a little round thing
into a net thing.
Piece of cake.
Well, at least you got
the technical terms down.
- You get that going for you.
- Which is a plus.
- Which is nice. Oh, yeah.
- Here's our guest right now.
Come on in. This is one
of our sponsors.
Uh, this is Hershel Binkley,
of Giant Binkley used cars
"Where credit's
never a problem
"as long as you have
hard cash."
- Hi. Good to see you, Hersh.
- Hi, fellas.
Uh, I should also point out
that, uh, Hershel is the goalie
for the team I'm playing
against on Saturday.
That's right, Joey.
It's great to see you
again, my friend.
You don't remember
me, do you?
Let's see, are you
the guy who sold me
the '74 Gremlin
with the burrito
in the glove compartment?
That's a good one.
Maybe this'll bring
something back for you.
Stonewall!
That's right.
College state championship.
'One minute to play,
your team's down a goal.'
You get the puck.
Come in to me alone.
You fake left,
you shoot right.
What happened then, Gladstone?
Yeah. What happened
then, Gladstone?
Go ahead, tell him.
Uh, there's nothing
to tell.
It happened
a long time ago.
What happened was
I stopped your shot.
We won the championship.
And you lost it.
I was a hero!
You...were a bum.
I gotta tell you
I'm looking forward
to humiliating you
all over again.
Uh-ha, ha, ha.
Hold it, stonehead.
- Stonewall.
- Whatever.
Listen, you don't just waltz
in here and make fun
of my pal, here. You know
who you're dealing with?
This guy do all your
talking for you, Gladstone?
No, I don't do all his talking
for him, do I, Joey?
Well, maybe a word
here and there, yeah.
You know, Gladstone,
you have always been pathetic.
Oh yeah, you think
he was pathetic then?
You ought to
see my boy now.
[laughs]
Jess, you're
not helping.
Uh, look, it-it's just
a charity game.
Let's just go out there
and have a little fun.
Well, if your idea
of fun is losing
you're gonna have
a great time.
Because, Gladstone,
you're a loser.
Oh, yeah.
And you're a jerk.
- And you got split ends.
- Now, that's where you go--
Okay, Jess, Jess.
[instrumental music]
Dad, you're being so unfair.
Kimmy's dad took her
out on the freeway.
And he brought her back?
Danny, she'll be fine.
Just avoid rush hour.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay, Deej.
Set your alarm
for 3:00 a.m.
Great. I'll have the whole
road to myself.
We'll finally see
what that Taurus can do.
Deej, first let's discuss
what the Taurus cannot do.
Michelle, trust me.
It's okay.
Check near the garbage.
See if the goat boy is there.
Sweetheart, Michelle.
Come here.
We talked about this.
I told you,
there is no goat boy.
It's just a person in a costume.
It's like on Halloween.
You mean, he's coming
here to trick or treat?
Dad, let me take
a crack at this.
Michelle, the goat boy
can never get out of Norway
because goats can't
ride on planes.
- Why not?
- Well..
They can never get through
the metal detector
after eating all
those tin cans.
Oh. Why didn't you tell me
that in the first place?
When you get on that ice
you gotta destroy that punk.
Uh, Jess, I've
been thinking about it.
I'm not even
gonna play the game.
What?
You guys should have heard, this
guy comes down to the station
dumps all over Joey
about this hockey game
and Joey just sits
there and takes it.
Yeah, I know,
I heard, but you know
everyone has their own way
of handling things
and Joey's not the
confrontational type
and we should respect there.
I mean, like last night
when we were out to dinner
and you got that
bug in your salad
you didn't make a big fuss,
you just went on eating.
Bug? I thought
it was a bacon bit.
It just kills me that you won't
stand up to this Stonewall guy.
Stonewall?
That goalie from college
who totally humiliate..
So you saw old Stonewall.
Look, let's just forget
about it, okay?
It was a meaningless game
that happened 15 years ago.
- Bread, Joey?
- I'm not hungry, Steph.
Come on, Joey, don't
you want another chance
to get out on the ice
and score the winning goal
against that loudmouth?
Yeah, of course,
I would.
So, do it.
What's your problem?
Look, I'm not playing
in this game.
This whole thing is turning
into one big grudge match.
I don't get you, man.
If I were you, I'd wipe
the ice with that guy.
Okay, I'll admit it.
I don't want to
face Binkley again.
When I was in college,
he embarrassed me
in front of all my friends
and my family.
I don't need to go
through that again.
Well, you shouldn't have to.
Come on, Jess. If he doesn't
wanna play, it's his choice.
You're right.
I'm sorry, pal.
I got an idea,
why don't we
just go to the ice skating
rink tomorrow
and just skate for the fun
of it like we used to?
Yeah. That's
a really good idea.
Okay. What
do you say, Joey?
I say fine.
Why don't you, uh, why don't
you pass me the bread?
And, uh, casserole,
a little salad, please.
Thank you, thank you.
Keep it coming.
[instrumental music]
It's okay.
Uncle Jesse, come on.
Yeah, get out here.
Come on. You're missing
all the fun.
It's so easy.
Just don't let go.
It's okay guys. I'm just-just
warming up a bit.
Go ahead. Go have fun.
Go, go, go.
- Alright.
- Don't worry about me.
Come on, Michelle.
Don't be scared.
- Got her, Steph?
- Yeah.
Okay, now..
...try to do
what I do, okay?
What the h-heck
are you doing?
[laughing]
Hey. How's it going?
I'm fine. I'm just
warming up a little.
- So?
- I feel like an idiot.
Why, 'cause you're dressed
for hoodlums on ice?
No, 'cause I haven't done
this since I was a kid.
Yeah, I know how it feel. It's
been a long time for me, too.
Hope I'm not rusty out there.
See, you in a little bit.
[instrumental music]
Yeah, here we go.
Ooh.
[sighs]
Man.
- Real rusty, twinkle toes.
- Yeah, I know.
Hardly got any height
on that double axle.
(Joey)
'Hey, guys.'
Okay, everybody, it's time
for crack the whip.
- Crack the what?
- 'You're not scared, are you?'
- Scared?
- 'Come on, let's go.'
- Alright. Let's go.
- Okay, hold hands, everybody.
- Cracking the whip.
- Okay, let's go.
- Ha ha ha!
- Okay.
Aah!
[screaming]
[screams]
Isn't this fun, Jess? Jess?
Where are the brakes
on these things?
Ow.
I think we might've
put a little too much
crack in that whip.
Let's go, you guys.
Just tell me one thing.
My hair messed up?
No, but the rest of you
is kind of bent.
Hey, Gladstone. How's
America's worst hockey player?
I heard you dropped out
of the game. Smart move.
You know, you should've
tried that 15 years ago.
You might've saved yourself
some embarrassment.
Alright. That's it.
That's it!
If I could get up,
you'd be in big trouble.
Hey, Blinkley,
is your life so pathetic
and empty that you have to
live in the past?
Well..
...yeah.
That's why I was
looking forward
to humiliating
Gladstone again.
I could live off that
for another 15 years.
Okay, I've had it,
this has been eating me up
inside for too long.
Binkley, Saturday afternoon
this is you!
[laughs]
[dramatic music]
[instrumental music]
This is great, I can't believe
you're actually letting me
drive to the hockey game
on the freeway.
And I have total confidence
in you, sweetheart.
But first let's just discuss
the different lanes once more.
[sighs]
Dad.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Now, what do you call
the far left lane?
The entirely
too fast lane.
Good. Now, see?
This isn't so difficult.
What do you call
the middle lane?
The still much
too fast lane.
Excellent. And now, what do we
call the far right lane?
The geeks and nerds lane?
D.J., if you want we can
go right back out there
and just drive around
the block again.
Hey, I'm a geek, I'm a nerd.
Give me the keys.
[knock on door]
- Hi, Steve.
- Hey.
Hey, Steve, you know,
we gotta go.
Could you excuse us
for a second?
The refrigerator is right
where you left it this morning.
Actually, Mr. Tanner, I know
you're finally letting
D.J. drive on the freeway,
and I wanted to be there
for her first merge.
Isn't he romantic?
Hey, no merging
in my kitchen.
Steve, you know if you want you
can just run alongside the car?
Would you mind doing that?
"When a minor penalty
"is assessed to a
goaltender, the.."
Guys.
I'm trying to study
the rules of hockey.
I have to announce the game.
You want your old man
to look like an idiot?
I guess you do.
Okay, Kimmy, feed
the boys around 3:00
and we should be home
about 5:00.
Any questions?
Yes. My usual rate
is five bucks an hour.
But you have twins.
So, shouldn't I get ten?
Okay, Kimmy, I'll give you ten,
but you pay for your own food.
Five works for me.
Listen guys, you keep
an eye on her.
If she gets near my hair care
center, bite her ankles.
Hey, half pints.
Hey, half wit.
So, kid, still hiding
from the goat boy?
There's no such thing
as goat boys
if you wanna know.
Okay, but check this out.
Half man, half dog,
The Muttman.
No!
He chases cars
and drives away in them?
What if he drives
to our house?
Steph, give me that.
Michelle, there's no such thing
as a half man, half dog.
Grrr! I am psyched
for this game.
I'm going to rip off
Binkley's head
chew him up,
and spit him out.
- Grrr.
- Oh, mama!
Michelle!
What did I say?
Michelle!
Hey, Comet, have you
seen Michelle?
Okay. I'm right
behind you.
Michelle, I'm not
The Muttman.
Yes, you are.
I see your paws.
Michelle, that's Comet.
Comet, can we
be alone, please?
There's a "Lassie" rerun on.
[barks]
Michelle, I'm not a dog.
Can you please come out?
Okay.
But how come you were growling
and saying mean things?
Well, Michelle, that's
a big part of playing sports.
It's called
being competitive.
You see, you just pretend
that you're mean and scary
so the players in the other
team will be afraid of you.
Well, you're doing
a good job
because I'm afraid.
I like it better
when you're nice.
I like it better
when I'm nice, too.
I promise I won't be mean
and scary ever again.
- Really?
- 'Absolutely.'
Come here.
Attagirl.
Hey, you know me.
I'd never hurt a fly.
You know your old buddy
Kermit, the frog
"I'd never hurt a fly
I might eat one now and then
"but I'd never hurt one.
"So, what do you say,
let's hop to it, Miss Piggy?"
Okay, Kermie,
you're my hero.
That's a really good piggy.
Yeah. Ahem.
Whoops!
I've got a frog
in my throat.
Yeah..
[instrumental music]
[crowd cheering]
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yay.
Alright. Here we are in the
second quarter...period, uh..
...third...some hunk
of the game and, uh..
...but I do know
the score's, um..
'Four-four. The score's
four-four here today'
'and the big guys are out there
hitting the sticks around.'
They're smacking the, um..
...puck. They're hitting
the puck around.
It's really fantastic.
I-I wish you guys
were down here because, uh..
...maybe you could explain
it to me..
...because I don't..
- Whoa.
- 'Oh! Did you see that?'
'Blinkley pushed
down Gladstone.'
'Binkley's gonna get it now.'
'Gladstone's gonna give it
to him any second.'
'Uh, maybe not.'
'It-It looked like Gladstone
was gonna give it to Blinkley.'
I wonder if fighting
is allowed in hockey.
Hey, Jess, do you need any
help with the play by play?
- From you?
- Come on, Jess.
You don't even know
what color the blue line is.
I do, too.
It's blue, right?
Okay, Burkhart clears
it to the center
where it's picked up by
Burswood's who's pole-checked
by Guiles who takes
the puck the other away.
Aren't you glad I grew up with
five hockey-crazed brothers.
He breaks away from the defense
man, shoots from the corner..
It's saved by Binkley
who quickly slides the
puck into the corner.
My wife.
Where have you been?
On the side of the road,
talking to the highway patrol.
You got a speeding ticket your
first time on the freeway? Cool!
Not that cool. I got a ticket
for driving too slow.
I was clocked
doing 23 in a 55.
Hey, that cop
was way off.
You were doing
at least 32.
Hey, that's right 'cause
you started hyperventilating
as soon as she hit 30.
I wonder how Joey's doing.
[whistle blows]
(Jesse)
'I don't know much
about hockey'
'but I sure know
Joey ain't playing it.'
[buzzer buzzing]
Someone pulled
a fire alarm again?
No. That's the end
of the second period
and the score is four-four.
That's a tie.
How's it going, Joey?
Michelle, haven't you
been watching the game?
I'm not playing very well.
I know. I didn't
wanna mention it.
Remember how we agreed that it's
wrong to play like a meanie?
Yeah.
It's also wrong
to play like a weenie.
Michelle, hockey's
like anything else.
You play your best
when you find something
in the middle of being
a meanie and a weenie.
So would it be okay if I play
like an in-betweenie?
Call it whatever you want,
but just play better.
Okay, pal.
This one's for you.
Alright.
For good luck, right?
Okay, I'll get him.
(Rebecca)
'Well, this third period's
almost over'
'and the score is still
four to four.'
'But the big news
is something amazing'
has happened
to Joey Gladstone.
You are correct, Becky.
What-what amazing
has happened to him?
Well, Jess, he's stick
handling beautifully.
- Right.
- Making crisp passes.
- Hard, clean shots.
- Yes. I thought so.
Whoa! Look at that!
'Gladstone skates past the
defense, and he's in the clear.'
'There's five seconds left.
He's got a break-away!'
'It's just Gladstone
and Binkley.'
'Joey's pulled down and the shot
is saved by Stonewall.'
Way to go, Gladstone.
(Jesse)
'I know what that means.
That means the game is over.'
Ladies and gentlemen,
it ends in a four-four tie.
- No, it doesn't.
- It doesn't.
Even though we're out
of time because Joey
was pulled down
on a break away
they are giving him
a a penalty shot.
Hah! I knew that, folks.
Gladstone gets
to go one-on-one
against the goaltender
Hershel Binkley.
- Come on, Joey.
- 'Come on, Joey.'
[dramatic music]
Go get him, Joey.
(Rebecca)
'This shot is
for all the marbles.'
'If Gladstone scores,
his team wins.'
It all comes
down to this.
This...is where it all
comes down to.
[music continues]
(Rebecca)
'He scores!'
'Do you believe it?
A miracle!'
[cheering]
Yeah! Whoo hoo hoo hoo!
Yeah! Yes! Yeah!
Whoo! Yeah!
Joey! Alright!
Hey! Whoa! Whoa!
That's fine. Let's go.
Joey! Come on, sweetie.
Come on, girls.
- Alright, Joey!
- Whoa-a-a.
Whoo! Yeah!
- Yay!
- Yeah, Joey!
- Alright!
- Yeah.
- We did it!
- We did it! Yeah!
[cheering]
Alright! I did it,
Michelle. I did it.
Whoo!
Whoo! Yeah!
Yeah!
[dramatic music]
♪ Ah ah ah ha ♪
♪ Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow ♪♪