[instrumental music]
I'll be right there,
I forgot my jacket.
Michelle.
That's my diary.
You shouldn't be
looking at this.
Don't worry.
I don't know
how to read anyways.
Oh, right.
Well, just stay out
of my stuff anyway, okay?
Okie-dokie.
Whew! That was close.
Now, where were we?
May 7th, D.J. got a zit.
Oh, right.
"I tried to make it look
like a beauty mark
but nobody was fooled."
[both laughing]
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milk man the paper boy
evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
You know,
this was a great idea
getting the boys
together with Cooper.
Yeah. Well, since Matt
was coming over to work
on Jesse's Harley I thought
it was the perfect time
for our kids to meet.
Yeah. They're getting
along great.
'Look at them
with those blocks.'
They look like little
construction workers.
All they need
is a lunch pail, hard hat
and little tushie tops sticking
out of the top of their diapers.
Alright, I found the problem.
It's in the exhaust system.
I also found out where Comet
hides his sock ball.
Just don't let it
happen again.
Ooh.
How the kids doing?
They having fun?
Oh, yeah.
They're having great fun.
Oh, good.
I'm glad.
You know, it's hard
finding pals for Coop.
He's pretty smart
for a kid his age.
Yeah, well, you know,
Nicky and Alex are..
...pretty smart
for their age too.
Watch this.
Nicky, Alex..
...what is this?
Bok.
That means block.
You see that? Very good.
Excuse me, sir.
Could I use that block, please?
Cooper talks good.
Cooper talks well.
- Right.
- Talks well.
Yeah, you-you do.
You talk...you talk very good.
Well, I mean..
Oh, yeah, we've been helping
Coop get ready for preschool.
[chuckling]
Sounds like he's ready
for law school.
Coop's been accepted
to Bouton Hall for next term.
That's one of the best
preschools in the Bay area.
Really?
I mean, you've
checked out preschools
for your boys, haven't you?
Well, not per se
I mean we're kind of in the..
...we're kind of in
the pre-preschool phase.
You better get going.
I mean the most important choice
a parent can make for his child
is to pick the right preschool.
Gee, I always thought
it was Huggies or Pampers.
Don't let your kids
fall behind.
I mean, you should work
on vocabulary
numbers, motor skills.
Yeah, see, Bouton Hall believes
I mean, if you put your kid
on the fast track now
he's gonna be on
the fast track for life.
Well, that's where we want
Nicky and Alex
the fast track,
the right track. Zoom!
Becky, we gotta check this
school out for Nicky and Alex.
[Nicky and Alex mumbling]
And the sooner, the better.
♪ A-B-C-D ♪
♪ E-F-G ♪
♪ H-I-J-K ♪
♪ L-M-N-O-P ♪
♪ Q-R-S.. ♪♪
Okay. I'm going
for a bike ride, alright?
Gotta tone up those muscles
get the cardiovascular
system going
keep the weight down.
Anybody want anything
from the Doughnut Dive?
Major news, major news.
D.J.!
You know, Mr. T.,
spandex is not for everyone.
Neither is this house.
Kimmy, did you get
what I hope you got?
I did, if it's
my driver's license.
[both screaming]
Let's hit the road.
We're burning rubber now.
I thought I smelled
Kimmy's feet.
Hey, keep up that attitude, and
you'll be walking to the mall.
The mall? Kimmy,
Kimmy, Kimmy..
...friend, neighbor, chauffeur.
Don't you recognize
a good-natured jest
when you hear one?
Hey, if you're thinking
about sucking up to me
it might work.
Can I suck up too?
Sure, squirt, I could use
a hood ornament.
Yay!
My brother Garth
is so proud of me
he's letting me drive
his car "Wild Thing."
Are you serious?
That's awesome.
Whoa! Hold it. Hold it!
I have a rule.
No daughters of mine
are getting inside
a vehicle called
"The Wild Thing."
Especially if it's
being driven by that thing.
Dad, test her. Driving's the one
thing she's actually good at.
Hey.
I mean...besides
forging excuse notes.
Thank you.
Okay, Kimmy, what is the speed
limit in a residential area?
Twenty five unless
otherwise posted.
How about near
a railroad track?
Fifty miles per hour within
100 feet of the crossing
when you can't see the tracks
for 400 feet in both directions.
- Okay, road test.
- You're on.
Amazing. Dad's so calm about
getting in a car with Kimmy.
See ya.
Choo-choo.
What's that?
- Choo-choo.
- That's a choo-choo.
'Choo-choo.'
- Hey, Beck.
- Hi, honey.
I got this application
for Bouton Hall.
Check out these questions.
Let me see.
"Please list according
to the recognizability factor
the geometric shape most
familiar to your offspring."
I don't know
what the answer is.
I don't know
what the question is.
Let me see this.
Look at this, verbal skills,
letter recognition
hand-eye coordination--
Daddy.
Well, I'd say their head-bucket
coordination is excellent.
'Yes.'
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Joey.
Uh, Beck, I finished my wash,
so I put your load in.
Oh, thanks.
The whites or the colors?
Were they supposed
to be separate?
- I'll be right back.
- Don't even worry.
I used the hottest
water possible.
[gasping]
Hey, Jess,
what's going on?
Ah, I'm just checking out
this application
for Bouton Hall.
Bouton hall,
that is a great preschool.
I couldn't get in there
and I was 14.
And it looks like Nicky and Alex
aren't going to get
in here, either.
I mean, look at these questions.
"Evaluate the scope
of your child's verbal skills."
Yeah, they have good
verbal skills.
I mean, you know,
they do talk all the time..
[baby talk]
It's just not always
in English.
Perfect. Put down that
they're bilingual.
They're not bilingual.
Sure they are.
They speak two languages.
English and gibberish.
I'm not going to lie
on this application.
You want them to have
a good education, don't you?
Of course I do, Joey.
The most important thing
in the whole world
right now is their education.
I mean, you know,
if my parents would've put me
on the right track maybe
I wouldn't be at night school
right now getting my
high school diploma.
Well, then you gotta give
the boys a little edge.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You know something?
You're right.
- I'm their father.
- Damn right.
If I don't lie for 'em,
who will?
- That's right.
- Alright, let's see.
Language, bilingual.
No. Wait, wait, wait..
(both)
Trilingual.
Hold it, hold it, hold it..
(both)
Unbelievably-lingual.
Steve, are you my friend?
Yeah, of course I am.
Watch it, Steve,
she's setting you up.
Do you mind, I'm talking
to my friend.
Can you help me with my math?
Well, you know math
is not my best subject
but, hey,
I'll give it a shot.
Just need to know
what's five take away one?
Well, five take away one.
Alright, now, let's say
you have five cookies.
Alright, now,
if you take away one
how many do you have left?
Four, if I hurry.
That's my..That's my cookie.
Wait.
Michelle, what are you doing?
Studying.
Hey, how'd the road test go?
Terrible. She's the best driver
I've ever been with.
Even her maps
were folded correctly.
What did I tell you, dad?
Kimmy was born to drive.
I knew there was a reason.
Alright. I don't know what
to say. You're a natural, Kimmy.
I just, I actually feel secure
with you kids
in the car with her.
Tomorrow, you can all
take a ride
in The Wild Thing.
Great, let's hit the mall.
Let's hit Binge Burger.
Let's hit Vegas.
I feel lucky.
[instrumental music]
Jess! Jess!
You'll never guess what.
Bouton Hall just called.
You must have done
a great job on that application.
They're interested
in Nicky and Alex.
I knew it. We're in.
- Alright!
- No, honey, we're not in yet.
We have to take
the boys down there
this afternoon
for an interview.
They want to meet them and
evaluate their abilities.
Evaluate their little
abilities, huh?
[chuckling]
Yeah. Isn't this exciting?
I'm gonna go give 'em a bath.
Somehow they look smarter
when they're clean.
Well, look at the time.
I'll bet there's a hockey game
on somewhere in the world.
Get back here.
Joey, what am I gonna do? I lied
through my teeth on that thing.
I-I said they were
two little geniuses.
Oh, boy. You better hope Becky
gets those kids really clean.
We're dead.
[instrumental music]
Alright. Bouton Hall.
[baby talk]
Look at this, guys.
The starting line
of the fast track.
Right, fast track.
Just let me do the talking.
Oh, boy,
I hope they like us.
Oh, honey, they'll like us.
Listen, sweetheart,
if you happen to hear some..
...I don't know, some strange
things during this interview
just, uh, just kinda go with it.
Your hair looks good
like that, by the way.
What strange things?
Well, uh, see, on the
application, I may have, uh..
What's the word I'm lookin'..
I may have embellished
a little bit.
Embellished? How much?
A little, tad, lil'
minuscule amounts, really.
Just a tad.
Oh, Ambassador
and Mrs. Katsopolis.
I'm Mrs. Jacobs.
Why don't you just sit down.
Make yourselves at home and
I'll be back with you shortly.
Ambassador?
Let's observe them through
the two-way mirror for a while
to see how they relate
to the children.
Any other surprises?
Honey, I know you're upset
but this is very important.
You know, the fast track.
Zoom! Zoom, zoom, zoom!
Yeah, right, okay,
zoom, zoom, zoom.
Right.
Come on, guys, come here.
- Hey, I gotta talk to you guys.
- Go to your daddy.
Now, let me explain
something to you.
First impression
is very critical.
Now, I've found over the years
that the natural part
kind of expresses
a carefree attitude
that can only work
in your favor.
So, let's find that natural
part, shall we, fellas?
Let's find the middle. Ready?
Let's find the natural part.
Shake it out, boys.
Shake it out.
That's good.
Alright.
Honey, I have something
in my teeth.
Here. Slide down to mommy.
Here you go.
Yeah, honey, I have..
I have some kind of a..
...something
in my molar here.
It's a hunk, it's a of walnut.
I have a walnut.
[clicking tongue]
You have any floss, Beck?
Hi. Thanks for being so patient.
That's okay. We were getting the
boys ready for the interview.
- I know. I saw you.
- You saw us?
Oh, yes.
That's a two-way mirror.
We always observe the parents
and children for a few moments.
Floss?
No, no. No, I was just joking.
I knew you were watching.
I was, I was just joking.
I find that a sense of humor
is very important
in the diplomatic corps.
- Perhaps we should begin.
- Good. Listen, my chil--
Our philosophy is if children
are placed on the right track
at an early age, they'll be on
the fast track through life.
Right. Well, that's what
we believe. Zoom! You know..
We've, uh, we've developed
this motto around the house
"fast track, right track
two, two,
two tracks in one."
- Catchy.
- Yeah, I made it up myself.
If your children
are accepted here
you'll be expected to work with
them at home rather intensively
so they may reap the optimum
benefits from our curriculum.
Oh, yeah, well,
our kids love to reap.
Couple of little reapers.
Well, listen, we've really
enjoyed the interview.
Thanks a lot and give us a call
when school starts. Come on.
Well, the interview
hasn't begun.
They need to meet
with the principal
have an intelligence test.
By the way, Mrs. Katsopolis
what language would the children
be most comfortable
taking the test in?
Uh...uh..
Well, you know I like to refer
all the language questions
to my husband the diplomat.
Language. Language.
Well, I feel that
probably English.
English would be easiest
on your people.
Look, Mrs. Jacobs,
we have to be honest.
Well, I have
to be honest.
We may have..
Well, he may have
embellished...lied a bit
on our application.
Honest. She's been on this
honesty kick all week.
Well, we had a feeling
you might have embellished.
Not many two-year-olds
are proficient on the bassoon.
The bassoon?
Well, they're too short
for the cello.
It only shows you want
what's best for your boys.
So, come along, children.
We're gonna have
a wonderful time.
Mrs. Katsopolis.
Ambassador.
(Kimmy)
Oh, I love this song. Come on,
let's sing "Wild Thing."
- Yeah, right!
- This is fun.
Hey.
♪ Wild thing ♪
♪ You make my heart sing ♪
♪ You make everything ♪
♪ Groovy ♪
♪ Wild thing.. ♪
If this is fun,
we're having it.
Hey, look.
The guys from the chess team.
- Let's rag on them.
- Oh, very mature, Kimmy.
What's the fun of driving
if you can't make fun
of nerds on foot?
You're right. What are they
gonna do, throw a pawn at us?
Hey, let's play ring
around the Chevy.
Alright! What is it?
Well, we get out,
run around the car
and goof on them because we
have wheels and they don't.
The guy with tape
on his glasses is mine.
♪ Wild thing
I think I love you.. ♪
Hold my hand, Michelle.
Hey, chess boys!
Phew, we just need
a little exercise.
We've been sitting
in our car for so long.
Yeah.
But you wouldn't know the
feeling because you're walking.
Gibbler, my door is locked.
Mine too.
Mine three.
[all laughing]
I must have hit
the power door lock.
We're locked out.
[sighing]
Well, maybe
we can break a window.
We need something hard.
How about Gibbler's head?
We can't break
a window on Wild Thing.
My brother would kill me.
What are we going to do now?
We can get a pizza.
Good idea, Michelle. And how
would you like to get it?
Oh, yeah.
We can have it delivered.
(Michelle)
'Hey, that guy
looks like dad.'
That guy is dad.
Dad. Hi.
Beautiful day.
What brings you out here?
My bike. Why aren't
you in the car?
Well, we were getting cramped
so we thought that we would get
out and stretch our legs.
[grunting]
Well, now that you're
all nice and limber
when are you
gonna get back in?
When we unlock our doors.
What? You're locked out?
We played ring around the Chevy.
The Chevy won.
Girls,
this is very dangerous.
Dad, you're right.
I'm sorry.
- Me too.
- Me three.
Well, apparently,
they're all very sorry.
Can I borrow your bike?
Kimmy, you may have passed
your driver's test
but you have the judgment
of a lima bean.
I'm really disappointed
in all of you.
A car is not a toy.
That's something you can think
about on your walk home.
It's two miles.
Well, then you'll have
plenty of time to think.
I'm gonna go see if those people
will let me use their phone.
I'm gonna call Kimmy's brother.
He may wanna pick up his car..
...though I can't imagine why.
That's great.
I can't believe you locked
the keys in the car.
Now we have to
walk two miles.
[indistinct chattering]
[instrumental music]
Alright, okay,
let's try another one.
Come on, guys.
Now concentrate here please.
Now, watch what I'm doing here.
What is this letter? Come on.
[baby talk]
No "da-da-da."
What is that "da-da-da?"
No, no, it's the first letter
in "frustration."
What is it? Come on.
- Jess, come on.
- Alright, guys, try this.
Jess, look, we've been pushing
the boys all week.
We don't even know if they've
been accepted to Bouton Hall.
It doesn't matter,
if they don't get in Bouton Hall
then we gotta get them
in someplace else, okay?
Guys, shapes.
Time for shapes.
There you go.
Jess, we're not letting them
be kids anymore.
- They're not having any fun.
- Honey, look, they're kids.
They're short, they wear
diapers, they can't vote.
Alright, guys,
come on, let's go.
No, no, no.
Look, son, son, son, please.
Look, the square block goes
into the square hole.
Like that. See?
There you go, pal.
- Try it.
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Try it.
Jess, just you know what?
We should just back off, okay?
We're getting frustrated,
and so are they.
Sweetheart this is
very important.
I mean, I wish my parents
would have spent
some quality time
like this with me, okay?
Son, no. Son..
Give me that. Give me..
Look, look, see?
This has five sides, okay?
It's called the..
...a five side-agon.
Alright, now, here you go.
Now, come on, please, son,
concentrate for daddy, okay?
Try, now come on,
please concentrate.
Where does
the five side-agon go?
Uh-oh,
daddy got a boo-boo.
- Oh, very sweet.
- Thank you.
You know what, honey?
I think that the boys
are trying to tell us something.
Yeah, we need softer blocks.
- Jess.
- I know.
They hate it,
and I'm pushing them too hard.
It's just that I-I
just want the best
for my little boys,
that's all.
Sweetheart, I know you
want what's best
for them but you know what?
Maybe the fast track
isn't it.
I mean, Nicky and Alex
are normal, healthy kids.
And whatever track
they're on
they seem
to be doing okay.
Maybe I did push this preschool
thing a little bit.
Maybe-maybe Bouton Hall
isn't right for our kids.
You know what, when they're
ready to go to preschool
we'll find the right one
and we'll do everything we can
to encourage them.
Alright.
Come here, you.
It's just that I
love them so much
and I just want them
to be happy, that's all.
Well, they look
pretty happy to me.
[laughing]
You got a letter.
I thought you'd want to know.
Oh, let me see, sweetheart.
Hey, Jess,
it's from Bouton Hall.
Did Nicky and Alex get in?
Does it matter, honey?
Not in the least.
Alright, then.
Alright,
who wants some ice cream?
You don't have to ask me twice.
Ice cream.
Here we come. Ice cream.
They made it.
They got in.
Does this change anything?
Not a thing.
[instrumental music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪