[instrumental music]
Now, you look sharp.
Thank you.
Oh, there you are, boys.
Hey, come on,
it's time to eat.
Oh, very classy.
Nicky, who are you
supposed to be?
That's my daddy.
[imitating Popeye]
Huh, I guess you
still have a problem
with that Windsor knot, eh?
(Joey)
'Agukgukgugkguk.'
And who are you
supposed to be, Alex?
He's Uncle Jesse.
[chuckles]
Well, Michelle, you got
Uncle Jesse and you got daddy.
I'm starting to feel
a little left out here.
- I didn't forget you.
- Okay.
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aaah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paperboy evening TV ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere.. ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere.. ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Chity chi bob botta ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, girls.
- Where's D.J.?
- She's upstairs.
Okay, come on, everybody!
D.J., come on,
let's go! Come on!
Come on, down. Let's go!
Joey, what's going on?
I haven't seen you this excited
since they brought
back the McRib.
[chuckles]
Becky, I am way past the McRib.
- 'Joey, what is it?'
- Okay, come on, you guys.
Well, you ready for
your birthday present?
More? Joey, you already
took me to the hockey game.
Well, that was just to take
your mind off the fact
that I didn't get you
a real birthday present.
Come on, let's go!
Come on, everybody. Let's go.
Happy 16th birthday!
Aah! It's a car!
It's a red car!
It's my red car!
Joey, thank you!
Whoa! '77 Firebird.
Joey, this is some
serious ride that you're..
- Is that a car?
- That's a very nice car, huh.
Hey, you be nice
to Joey, okay?
Because maybe for your birthday
he'll get you those
beautiful diamond earrings
I've been,
you've been wanting.
- Come on.
- There you go.
Say bye-bye.
Say bye-bye, Joey.
- 'Bye-bye, Joey.'
- 'Bye, everybody.'
Steve, get in.
You mean,
I can eat in your car?
Sure.
I love you.
Wow!
This is even cooler than what
Joey got me for my birthday.
Michelle, you got a slinky.
I said it was cooler.
Joey, when I agreed
to let you buy D.J. a car
I-I told you I wanted
to pick it out with you.
I mean, I bought
all the consumer guides.
I called Ralph Nader.
I'm sorry, Danny, but it was
a great car and a great deal
and the woman who was selling it
had another offer coming in.
So I had to jump on it.
Joey, I love this car!
The power windows,
the stereo, the tee-tops.
Don't forget to tell
your dad about the seat belts
the padded dash,
and trash bags front and rear.
Well, I love it all.
And I promise
I'll be really careful.
Trash bags front and rear?
I know you'll be careful.
Enjoy the car, honey.
Aw, Joey, you just made
one new driver really happy.
[chuckles]
Well, thanks, Danny.
You know I couldn't
love D.J. any more
if she were
my own daughter. Muah.
Kimmy, Steve, I'll go get
my license and we'll cruise.
Do you people have any
idea how good I look
with my hair
flowing in the wind?
None whatsoever.
Joey, you mind
if I start her up?
Oh, no. Be my guest.
She's in great shape.
Really cherry.
See, the little old lady
who sold it only drove it--
Don't tell me
on Sundays to church.
No, actually it was Wednesdays
to electrolysis.
[engine cranks]
Yes, she's purring now.
Look at this
high gloss paint job.
This car is absolutely perfect
except for this little
speck on the windshield
which, of course,
we'll take care of right now.
Well, that's better. Okay.
The important thing is
this car runs great.
[engine sputtering]
Joey, didn't you have
a mechanic look at the car?
Well, of course I...no.
Well, looks like the battery's
about 10 years old.
The, uh..
...the fan belt
looks loose and..
...whatever this gum
is holding together..
...it ain't holding it
together anymore.
Why do I let you out
without adult supervision?
What am I going to tell D.J.?
She was so darn happy.
Mm. It's alright, Joey.
You know what?
- I think I can fix it.
- You think?
I don't want her driving a car
that'll breakdown all the time.
Well, me neither,
it's not one big thing
it looks like
a bunch of little things
and you know what,
it'll be no problems in the..
...skilled hands
of Mr. Good Hair.
Don't you mean Mr. Good Wrench?
No.
Uh, can you stall D.J. while
I work on these things?
Stall? Me? Ha ha.
Hey, no problem.
You know what I'll do? I'll
tell her about my first car.
What a cream puff
that thing was.
Wow, push-button transmission
scotch-guarded floor mats,
A.M. radio.
You want range,
you gotta go A.M.
I remember one time I was just,
you know, cruising around.
I picked up Winnemucca,
Nevada. Back in--
Stall them, not us.
Right.
♪ Beep beep beep beep ♪
♪ The horn went
beep beep beep ♪
Okay, now, just the boys.
♪ Beep beep beep beep ♪
♪ The horn went
beep beep beep ♪
Alright, come on,
now just the girls.
♪ Beep beep beep beep ♪
♪ The horn went
beep beep beep ♪
(Danny)
'Now, everybody!
Little louder this time, okay?'
♪ Beep beep beep beep ♪♪
- Joey?
- Yeah.
- Hand me the socket wrench.
- Okay, I'm on it.
Socket wrench.
Socket wrench. Okay.
Socket wrench.
Oh, socket wrench.
Man's best friend.
Oh, look, the paper boy.
Yeah, Jess, I found
the socket wrench.
One socket wrench
coming at you.
Ow!
Next tool you drop on my head
will be permanently
inserted up your nose.
I'm sorry. Least I dropped
the right tool this time.
- Just start the car, huh?
- Okay.
- Alright. Let her rip.
- Okay.
[engine cranks]
(Joey)
'Brilliant!'
Jess, you are brilliant!
Oh-ho.
Oh.
Oil-soaked, but brilliant.
[Jesse chuckles]
[both chuckling]
Joey, uh..
you know, earlier when I asked
you to change the oil filter.
Might have you forgotten
to say, uh, tighten it down?
Well, uh..
...judging by your,
uh, your face
I'd-I'd say that's
a distinct possibility, yes.
Hi, guys.
Something wrong with the car?
Oh, no. Couldn't be better.
Runs great. Fine.
You bought a lemon, huh?
Look, the car's gonna be fine
if I can just
get back to work here.
Now, I need some help. Steph,
can you get me another shirt?
- Consider it done.
- 'Thanks.'
Is there anything I can do?
♪ Beep beep beep beep ♪♪
Somebody shoot me.
Look, Mr. Tanner,
we're all pretty beeped out.
Dad, when can I have my car?
I-I-I told you,
in a little while.
Right now, the guys
are, are cleaning it.
Joey's probably
going over the seats
with a can of Armor All
and a q-tip.
Lucky duck.
Wait, wait! Uh...look
who's coming! It's, uh..
(Danny)
'Aunt Becky with
Michelle and the boys!'
Say, "Hi, Aunt Becky."
- Hi, Aunt Becky.
- Hi, guys.
Uh, listen, Jesse and Joey
need a few more minutes
to...wash the car.
So, um, does anyone
wanna help me and Michelle
put Nicky and Alex
down for their N-A-P?
Yeah, N-A-P time.
Oh, no.
I think they got it
figured O-U-T.
Yeah, but you know
what would be F-U-N?
- Driving my car?
- In a little while.
But first, Michelle,
why don't you show D.J.
what you, Nicky and Alex
have been working on?
We're starting a band.
It's called Michelle,
Nicky, and Alex.
Mm, must've taken a long time
to come up with that name.
Okay, Michelle, here you go.
Hit it.
Okay, boys,
"Pop Goes the Weasel" in C.
(Michelle)
'And one, and two'
and one, two, three.
♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪
♪ The monkey chased the weasel ♪
♪ What the heck
is a mulberry bush ♪
♪ Pop goes the weasel ♪
♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪
♪ That monkey
chased that weasel ♪
♪ Everybody had lots of fun ♪
♪ Pop goes the weasel ♪
♪ All around the mulberry bush ♪
♪ The monkey chased the.. ♪♪
Well, what do you think?
Beautiful.
She's purring like a kitten.
Wait, kids! Not yet!
♪ Michael row
the boat ashore ♪
♪ Hallelujah ♪♪
Danny, it's okay.
It's okay. We're ready.
Don't you guys wanna
hear the last verse?
I didn't want to hear
the first verse.
This way, milady.
Your chariot awaits.
Finally.
Wow, Deej, you know,
I am so excited for you
I'm gonna buy you
your first tank of gas.
Uh-oh. Well, uh,
how about your first gallon?
[chuckles]
Thanks.
Let's start her up.
[engine cranks]
Yes!
- Yes.
[siren wailing]
Alright, guys.
Let me handle this.
Afternoon, sir.
Oh, you're a lady. Ha ha ha.
Okay, hi.
Uh, well, listen, officer
or should I call you
officerette? Ha ha ha.
- Back off.
- Anyone else wanna handle this?
- You?
- Whose car is this?
It's mine, officer.
I, uh, I gave it
to her for her birthday.
Is there a problem here?
There won't be if you all keep
your hands where I can see them
and back away from the vehicle.
Except you.
You'll have to answer
a few questions.
This car is stolen.
[intense music]
[instrumental music]
What's going on?
You know the car Joey got me
the police think he stole it.
What? They're nuts.
You want to repeat that, ma'am?
Not really.
Once again,
I'll, uh, I'll handle this.
Officer, uh..
...you know, I noticed you
drove a real nice motorcycle.
I, uh...drive
a Harley Davidson myself.
- Who cares?
- Not me.
I'm gonna go sit down.
Excuse me. Are you
really a police officer?
Yes, I am.
Good, 'cause somebody
at school stole my eraser.
Michelle, who cares?
We've got bigger problems here.
Joey stole a car!
Steph!
I mean, he leased it.
Look, I didn't
steal anything, okay?
I was at the bank, and there
was this little old lady
with a "For Sale" sign.
Not on the little old lady
on the car.
We need proof of ownership.
Do you have a pink slip?
Let me take
another shot at this.
Of course he has a pink slip.
I mean, what kind of idiot
buys a car without a pink slip?
Joey, show her the pink slip.
Show her the pink slip.
She said she'd mail it.
[chuckles]
She-she said she'd mail it.
Well, I mean, surely you see the
humor in this whole situation.
Me, either.
Again I'm gonna sit.
Joey, um..
...do you have anything
to prove to this nice officer
that you actually
bought this car?
Well, uh, no.
I can describe the little
old lady I bought it from.
- Oh, that's great.
- That's good.
(Danny)
'He can describe
the little old lady.'
Yeah. Uh..
She was, uh, she was little
and, uh, she was old
and-and those eyes
I'll never forget those eyes.
There were two of them.
Just...take me away.
Now, wait, wait.
Wait a second.
I...I know this looks bad.
Real bad.
Pretty much an
open-and-shut case.
But, but look, I have
known Joey my entire life.
He's my best friend
and, officer, I can assure you
he's telling the truth.
Sir, do you really
expect me to believe
that a grown man would
pay cash to a total stranger
for a car,
and not get a pink slip?
Like I said, it's an
open-and-shut case.
Listen, officer, you know,
I-I see the problem here.
The problem is you-you
look at Joey and see a grown man
you know, but if you knew him..
...you'd know it ain't true.
I don't follow.
Well, then follow me.
Come on. Come on, everybody.
Now, I ask you, officer
does this look like the room
of a hardened criminal?
I give you, uh...
I give you exhibit A.
Look at this,
a Scooby Doo nightshirt.
Give me that.
I didn't buy it.
It came with the bubble bath.
You see, would a guy
steal a car, come home
take a nice bubble bath and put
on a Scooby Doo nightshirt?
I think not.
Jess, please,
cut me a break here.
What's the point of this?
Officer, the point is that-that
Joey is just a sweet, innocent
goofy guy who's, uh,
who's just a child at heart.
Yeah, he starts off every day
with The Three Stooges
chewable vitamin.
It's true.
Here they are. See?
Woo-woo-woo
woo-woo-woo...woo.
Woo.
Joey even has Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle slippers.
Oh, not the slippers.
This is Michael Angelo
and I don't know who this is.
Because Comet bit his head off.
You see, officer,
Joey is a fair and trusting man.
I mean, like a big kid.
I mean, he would
never rip anybody off
so he would never expect
anyone to rip him off.
Well, I had my doubts
but the Ninja Turtle
slippers put me over the top.
Mr. Gladstone,
I won't be taking you in.
- Oh!
- Thank you, officer.
Thank you, officer.
I...okay, fine.
But don't leave town.
We still need to
ask you a few questions.
And Miss Tanner,
I'm afraid we'll be
impounding your vehicle.
That's okay.
As long as you're
not impounding Joey.
I'll let myself out.
- Joey!
- 'Joey!'
Lucky break.
Who would've known
all your goofy stuff
would've saved
your butt, huh, Joey?
You know, next time
he gets in trouble
he should take
a driver's license picture
you know,
wearing a Scooby Doo shirt
and sitting in bubble bath,
wearing those slippers.
[all chuckling]
Yeah, well, I'm glad
you guys are happy.
You mean, you're not?
Oh, no. I feel great.
D.J.'s present
is being towed away
and...I'm the big family joke.
All this time I thought you
guys were laughing with me
and you were actually
laughing at me.
Thanks. Appreciate it.
[instrumental music]
(Jesse)
'Joey!'
'Joey, where you going?'
I don't know.
I need to go for a walk.
Maybe I'll go down
and get a Goofy Joey slurpee
and, uh, maybe
look for an apartment.
Okay, but you heard the officer.
"Don't leave town."
Look, Joey, I know
that you're upset
but really, I mean, you're
taking this the wrong way.
We-we need to talk.
Yeah, well, I've heard enough.
Whoa. No, she's right.
Let's talk.
Come with us, friend.
Come on, you guys.
This is ridiculous.
- No, it's not.
- Alright.
Alright, fine.
What do you want to talk about?
You, and what you
mean to this family.
Joey, we love having you here.
It's so great
growing up in a house
where there's someone
that can always make you laugh.
(D.J.)
I remember that
one time in the garage..
[chuckles]
[all chuckling]
Okay, okay, okay, fine.
So I'm good for a few laughs.
Big deal.
You're good for
a lot more than that.
Joey, you've pulled this family
through a lot of rough times.
Yeah, like remember when
I was afraid of the dentist?
You were there to make it okay.
Look. We're in luck.
A courage detector.
Last time I was here
it was a spit sucker.
Well, it does that, too.
Let's find out
where your courage is.
Beep beep beep
beep beep beep
beep beep beepbeepbeepbeep
beepbeepbeepbeep.
[imitates alarm]
I found it! This is great!
Your courage is
inside your mouth.
- Really?
- Yeah. Here, take a look.
See?
See in the back
of your throat there
that little hangy-ball thing?
Hey, yeah. What is that?
That's your courage hangy-ball.
I thought that
was there for decoration.
You see, Joey? If it wasn't for
you, I wouldn't have any teeth.
And I'd be still
riding a tricycle.
You see, Joey? You taught
her how to ride a two-wheeler.
I let her fall into the bushes.
But you made me get back
on again, you remember?
(Michelle)
You're not gonna
let me go, right?
No way. Not until you say so.
Okay, let's do it!
Alright, you're
doing it, Michelle.
Let go!
Are you sure?
Let go!
Are you really, really sure?
I said, let go!
'Way to go!'
(Michelle)
I'm not in the bush!
Michelle, I am
so proud of you.
You did it all by yourself.
Uh-uh, Joey. I did it with you.
(Becky)
'You see, Joey?'
We don't know
what we'd do without you.
(Jesse)
'That's right.'
So there's no way
you're leaving this house.
Because you were
there for the girls
and I want you to be
there for my kids.
Joey, there's a whole
new generation of kids
who haven't seen
your spit fountain
or...or learned to ride a bike
or...or found their
courage hangy-ball.
Are you still mad at us, Joey?
I guess I never really was mad.
I just felt so darn bad
about what happened
today, you know?
Until I met you guys
I didn't know what it was like
to be a part of a family.
(Joey)
'I mean, after
my parents got divorced'
it was just me and my mom
and it got pretty
lonely sometimes.
I used to watch
"The Brady Bunch"
and wish I was a part
of their family.
So, it would've been Jan
and Marcia and Cindy and Greg
and Bobby and Peter and Joey.
Anyhow, after I
moved in with you guys..
...I got to be a part
of that big family
I always dreamed about.
Does that mean
you're gonna stay?
Of course it means
I'm gonna stay.
I love you guys.
- We love you, too.
Uh, there's just
one other thing though.
(Jesse)
'Hmm?'
Could we get a maid named Alice?
As to which I say..
...let us get him.
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Chity chi bob botta ♪♪