[theme music]
Stephanie, come here.
You've got to see this.
This is going to be great.
Michelle, don't tell me
you're still trying
to make that sock talk.
Well, he can't walk.
Come on, I've been practicing.
I'm really good now.
Watch. Ahem.
Uh, hi. My name's Mr. Pigsly.
What's yours?
How..
- How..
- Oh, nice to meet you, How-how.
Michelle, it's amazing how you
threw your voice like that.
In fact..
...it sounds like you threw it
from this closet.
Oh! Don't go near
that closet door!
[high-pitched voice]
oh, no, no, no!
[deep voice]
Oh, no. No, no!
Yup, yeah, well,
the inspection's over.
There's no moths, no termites.
I'll, uh, I'll see you ladies
in about six months or so.
Okay, well, that takes care
of that there.
So, that's how I did it.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evening TV ♪
♪ Ah ah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie doo
bah bah dah ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Alright, squirts.
Go get mommy!
Go get her!
Get her.
Aah!
Aim for daddy!
Aim for the hair!
Hey, no! This is supposed
to be fun! Not the hair.
- Back off!
- Go on! Get him!
- Get the hair.
- Heel!
- Go get him.
- Don't let him get away!
(Jesse)
'Watch the hair!'
So Joey, since, since Vicky's
in town, I thought it'd be fun
for the whole family
to go out to dinner tonight.
Oh, that's great. I know this
really nice Chinese place.
No, no, no. Michelle
doesn't like Chinese food.
Oh, come on, Danny.
Since when?
Since when? Since we walked past
that restaurant in Chinatown.
And she saw those ducks
hanging in the window.
Okay, so let's see. We uh, we
need a place for uh, 10 people..
Look out!
Get mommy!
[indistinct chattering]
Get daddy!
Go on! Get him!
Aah!
Get uncle Joey!
Whoa!
[squealing]
Yeah, yeah, we need a place
for 10 people.
Place that doesn't mind
a little noise
a little water.
A little chaos.
How about the galley
of a Viking ship?
How about your kitchen
and I'll cook?
The girls are pretty particular
about what they eat.
Well Danny, if we're gonna
be married, I have to get
used to cooking for the family.
And I promise,
no hanging ducks.
Uncle Danny.
Whoa! Whoa! Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thanks.
My face was feeling
a little parched.
Thank you. And Becky.
Oh, okay, alright, alright.
Enough. Time to settle down.
Alright, you heard mommy.
Let's settle down now.
There you go, buddy.
[squirting]
Hey, you heard mommy.
She said settle down.
Alright, maybe you'll
understand this language.
Eat water, buddy!
You eat water, buddy!
You eat water! Look out.
Get 'em!
Get daddy! Get Nicky!
They're totally
out of control.
Yeah. Two little devils.
Identical Tazmanians.
[Tazmanian Devil grunting]
Squirt, squirt, squirt, daddy.
Oh, come on.
They're not that bad.
Of course, I'm dry
and I don't live here.
Vicky, I love Nicky and Alex
but they don't listen.
They're into everything
and they won't even sleep
in their own beds.
I mean, I know
they're just toddlers
but they could at least be
taught to put away their toys.
Danny.
It's mine.
Yeah, the big guy
sat on my nose. Ha ha!
[honking]
[instrumental music]
[chopping]
Uh, I could watch you
mince for hours.
You have been.
Okay, a little to the left.
A little to the right.
Easy.
'Easy.'
Michelle, next time
you make a diorama
put a window in it.
Michelle, what a great model
of the solar system.
Thank you.
We live right here
on the third ping-pong ball
from the grapefruit.
Michelle, that is
the most beautiful thing
you have ever made.
As soon as I find
a magnet big enough
that's going right up
on the refrigerator.
You can't daddy. This is for
the science fair next week.
I sure hope the sun
doesn't rot.
Okay Steph, let's go.
You couldn't grow
a nice little lima bean
like everyone else.
[gasps]
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's cooking?
I'm making
pizza and spaghetti for dinner.
- Alright.
- Are you guys hungry?
You're new around here,
aren't you?
You know Vicky, I got to admit,
I was a little concerned
about this whole dinner thing.
But I'm a little relieved you're
making pizza and spaghetti.
I mean they're proven
kid pleasers.
Don't you worry.
They are going to love it.
Spaghetti al pesto
and goat cheese pizza.
Oh, yeah. Kids just love
a steaming hunk of goat cheese.
- Daddy.
(Alex and Nicky)
'Daddy.'
(Alex and Nicky)
'Daddy.'
[dog barking]
Shh!
You gotta be quiet.
I'm playing hide and go seek.
Come on, get out of here.
Hey, Comet.
They're putting a new fire
hydrant in down the street.
Go. Go.
Come on. Get out.
- Get--
- I find you!
Oh, you guys found me!
You found me!
Thanks, Comet.
That's the last time
I loan you my cream rinse.
[Comet barking]
Alright. Alright, guys.
This time, let's switch here.
This time, you guys hide
and I'll seek you, okay?
Ready? I'm gonna count.
You guys go hide
and I'm gonna count. Okay?
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five. Six.
Se--
[laughing]
You guys, no, let's go
over the concept one more time.
You guys hide and I find you.
Now, go. I'll count. Go hide.
Go hide.
Alright. One. Two..
[instrumental music]
[ripping]
[gasps]
Stop it! Stop it.
Daddy!
My planets!
Oh, no! Why'd you guys
have to do this?
I worked so hard on this.
Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?
What's all the mayhem?
Alex, Nicky,
what did you guys do?
- What happened?
- What's going on, honey?
Daddy, Nicky and Alex
wrecked my solar system.
Look, it's leaking sun juice.
Oh, sweetheart,
that's terrible.
But I-I'm sure it was
just an accident.
Michelle, we are so sorry.
Michelle, Nicky and Alex
probably don't even realize
they did anything wrong.
But I told them to stop.
Why didn't they listen?
Well, Michelle, children have
to be taught to listen.
Who's supposed to teach them?
'Well, uh..'
...in-in many cases, uh,
it's the people.
The people who are
responsible for their
you know, their
growth and well-being.
Who's that?
Well, in-in most cultures
that-that would
usually be, uh..
...the parents.
Way to go.
[instrumental music]
Well, I'm sure Nicky and Alex
feel very bad.
Alright boys, now you tell..
You tell your cousin
that you're sorry.
I sorry, Michelle.
Are you really sorry?
- No!
- No! No!
Alright, I'll take the boys
before they incriminate
themselves any further.
Alright you two, come on.
Let's go! Get in the squad car.
You have the right to one phone
call and one clean diaper.
Let's go over here.
Michelle, we feel terrible.
I promise you,
we'll make this up to you.
Yeah, we're sorry, honey.
You know what?
I'll-I'll help you
rebuild this, okay?
I remodeled the whole attic.
Certainly, I can rebuild
the solar system.
There's uh, there's no plumbing
over there in space, is there?
Okay, you're not laughing.
Michelle, when a person
is honestly sorry
a big person will forgive them.
But I'm a little person.
Yeah, well,
I'm talking about inside.
Inside, I'm even littler.
Sweetheart, by big..
...I mean a person
who's generous and forgiving.
Isn't that the kind of person
you wanna grow up to be?
Okay.
I forgive you.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- Alright, Michelle.
That's my big girl.
Come here, now.
Do me a favor, would you?
Run downstairs and put
the sun in the juicer, okay?
I'll be down in just
a minute to join you.
Guys, I..
I know how you feel about
getting unsolicited advice.
That's not gonna stop you
from offering some, right?
No, no, because
this is important.
I mean, I love Nicky and Alex
but they're way out of control.
Oh, come on, they're not
out of control. They-they're..
Alright, I admit
they're a little uh..
what's the word I'm looking for?
- Feisty?
- Feisty is a good one.
They're a little feisty.
I'll even give you, um..
- Rambunctious.
- Rambunctious. Right.
But there's no way that my kids
are out of control. I mean--
(Joey)
' Nicky, Alex, my watch!'
[toilet flushes]
- Jess, they're out of control.
- Well, al-alright.
Maybe they're a wee
out of control
but they're not,
they're not way out.
All I'm saying is
kids need limits.
Well, we set limits.
I mean uh..
The other day, when they
got in your make-up?
What did we do?
Actually, we took a picture.
Oh yes, it was so cute.
You should see.
They all had lipstick
all over their faces.
- We made doubles. I got--
- For you.
But after that
we-we-we got firm.
And we sat them down
and we gave them a good firm..
...scrubbing. 'Cause they had
lipstick all over their lips.
And then I got another
picture and..
Uh..
Honey, I'm afraid Danny's right.
I mean, we can't wait
until the boys
are knocking off liquor stores.
I mean, we gotta tighten
things up around here.
Alright, yeah. Right, right.
Tight. I got it.
- I hear you guys.
- Are you sure?
Because you're always Mr. Softie
when it comes to the boys.
And-and we both have to
make a commitment here.
No, I'm making a commitment.
You guys are right.
No more Mr. Softie, okay?
In fact, I'm gonna start laying
down the law, right about now.
What are you gonna do?
First off, I'm gonna go..
...fish Joey's watch
out of the toilet.
[instrumental music]
I'm glad you're all here.
What's the big secret, dad?
If you called us
down here to tell us
that sweater's out of style
we've known for three years.
It has nothing to do
with this sweater.
Now, you all know that Vicky
has been working very hard
on this dinner tonight.
So, if any of you happen
to see anything
that's you know,
new and unusual on your plates
taste it.
Experience it.
And then if you still don't
like it, choke it down.
Boy dad, you got
our mouths watering.
This could be really nasty.
I hope there's enough.
Dad, about that new
and unusual food.
I don't have a problem
with the new
but I have some concerns
about the unusual.
Does unusual mean gross?
Okay.
You know, how you two
have been asking for advances
in your allowances?
Well, how does $2 sound?
Not as good as 5.
Okay, 5 it is.
But you're gonna pay me
back when you're 30.
I can't believe I just did this.
Okay, everyone.
I hope you like it.
Steph, can I give you
a piece of pizza?
Uh, sure.
Um, what's that
crumbly white stuff?
Oh, that's goat cheese.
What part of the goat
is the cheese?
Is it supposed
to smell like that?
Not that that's a bad smell.
Oh! Don't worry, the cheese
is just a little ripe.
The spaghetti's not.
It's still green.
No, honey, that's pesto sauce.
It's supposed to be green.
Yeah, yeah. You know green,
like a $5 bill?
Looks great.
Green's my favorite color.
Good.
Well, Nicky and Alex
are certainly enjoying it.
Some of it's actually
getting into their mouths.
[Jess laughs]
Alex, put down that bowl!
I'll take care of this.
Time to lay down the law.
Son, put down the bowl.
[humming]
Alright, you guys are
ganging up on me now.
No, I'm not kidding this time.
Both of you guys
put down the bowls.
[clanking]
Well, they put them down.
I may be going out
on a limb here, Jess.
But I think they're
testing you.
Danny's right. You gotta
be tough. Don't waffle.
That's right, okay.
Alright listen guys.
Now, you guys are
in trouble, okay?
You know what happens next?
Beck, what happens next?
Uh, I think the boys
should get a time-out.
Time-out. That's right.
Time out for the both of you.
That's good, okay,
you guys are gonna go upstairs
and you're gonna sit there
until it's time to come out.
Uh, hence the term, "time-out."
And, Jess. No dessert.
Why? I was tough.
I didn't waffle.
- Not you. The boys!
- 'Oh, that's right.'
Come on, guys. Let's go.
Come on. Upstairs.
Sorry, everyone.
Hey, come on, Beck,
this stuff happens all the time.
I mean who amongst us
hasn't splattered bean dip
all over their headboard, huh?
Pass me the bread, please.
Okay, everybody, let's get back
to this fabulous meal
that Vicky made for us.
Hey, everything's really good.
Yeah, it's fantastic.
Do you like it, Michelle?
I love it.
Wouldn't you like
to taste it first?
Oh. Right.
That is good.
Michelle, you're missing
the best part.
Here you go.
Well, uh, everyone eat up.
There's plenty more
where this came from.
Where did it come from?
Okay, there you go. Guys, I'm
not doing this to be mean.
It's just that uh..
Hey, you kinda backed me
in a corner
down there in front of everybody
with that pasta incident.
I mean, you don't want
your old man
looking like a weenie, do you?
- Weenie.
No, come on guys, this is no
joke. Sit down son, please.
Put the chair down. Now,
sit down. This isn't a joke.
Look, we're all
on the same team here.
Let's just do this
time-out thing
and we'll get it
over with, okay?
[blowing a raspberry]
You know what? Now,
you've pushed me too far.
You know, I'm trying
to be a nice guy.
Nicky, Alex, you keep
those little butts in those
chairs and you do not move
a muscle until I say it's okay.
Do you understand me?
- Mean daddy.
- 'Mean guy.'
Mean daddy.
Mean daddy?
'Mean daddy.'
So, Steph, what do you think
of goat cheese now?
Good food. Bad name.
(Steve)
'You know,
I learned something today.'
If it comes out of a goat,
I'm eating it.
Well, what I hope
Steve means is
this is one of the greatest
meals we've ever had.
- That's the truth.
- Wonderful.
Yeah, it's really good.
[indistinct chattering]
Girls, girls, you can take it
down to about a four, okay?
No daddy, it really is great.
I'd eat it even if
you didn't pay us.
Danny?
Did you pay these
children to pretend
they like my cooking?
Well, not all of them.
Yeah. What a rip-off.
Why would you do that?
Look, Vicky, I know
how finicky the girls can be
and I didn't want them
to hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry.
I should have had more faith
in you and your goat cheese.
Yes, you should have.
But because you did it
out of caring
I'm going to forgive you.
Oh, thanks.
Right after you do the dishes.
Oh!
Excuse me. Some of us are
trying to keep our dinner down.
Okay, time for dessert.
Vanilla ice cream
with chocolate syrup.
- 'Alright.'
- Sounds good.
- 'I love chocolate chip.'
- 'Ah, man! Ice cream!'
(Becky)
'How did it go?'
Oh, fine. Good.
There were no tears.
And, uh..
...the boys took it
pretty well too.
Well, maybe this will
make you feel better.
Um, there's an extra two.
They were for Nicky and Alex.
(all)
Aw.
What? A guy tries to set
a couple of limits and--
Honey, you did
the right thing.
Well, tell them to stop
"awing" at me.
(D.J.)
'But I love dessert soufflé.'
[indistinct chattering]
- Mean daddy.
Mean daddy.
- Mean daddy.
[indistinct chattering
[instrumental music]
Boys.
(Becky)
'Jess?'
Are-are you okay?
You just seemed
a little upset downstairs.
Upset? Me?
No. I'm fine.
I'm cold, cool-cool.
Everything's, uh..
...very cool.
Well look, I know it was really
hard for you to punish the boys.
And I just, I wanted to say
thank you for being so strong.
And so cold.
- Jess.
- I am kind of cold..
What?
What are these?
How did those get in my shirt?
Who inspected this shirt?
Aha! Number 19.
I'm writing a letter.
You were sneaking ice cream
up to the boys.
I thought we agreed
to be tough.
Well, they didn't call you
"mean daddy".
Oh, honey.
They're just angry.
It's perfectly natural.
They're just words.
They didn't happen to mention
"mean mommy", did they?
I distinctively heard
"mean daddy."
Oh, Beck, I never pictured
myself as the kind of father
that would come down
so hard on my kids.
I mean, I always swore
if I had kids
I'd be like their friend,
you know, their pal.
Hmm. And their mother could
handle the discipline.
Great. Would you?
Honey, why is this
so hard for you?
Oh, Beck, it happened.
I swore it would never happen
and it happened.
What happened?
I turned into my father.
Oh, Beck, you should have heard
me yelling at the boys.
It was, it was,
everything came back.
I sounded just like my dad.
"Sit in those seats
and don't move
a muscle until I say."
I hated it when he did that.
Why did dads have
to be that way?
Maybe because they're human.
Maybe because
they're frustrated.
Maybe they just want
what's best for their kids.
And you know, your dad
didn't do such a bad job.
You turned out pretty good.
Well, I was blessed
in the hair area.
Man, Ward Cleaver
made it look so easy.
Well, June was
no slouch either.
Should we spring 'em?
Please.
Wally? Beav?
Time-out's over.
[clanking]
See, Beck, they wish
that was my head.
They do not.
Alright, boys.
You know what?
It's time for your baths.
And then we're gonna
get you ready for bed.
And tonight, you're going
to sleep in your own beds.
- Big bed.
- Go big bed.
No. Big bed.
No. Not the big bed.
Tonight, you guys are gonna
sleep in your race car beds.
Capisce?
- Ca-please.
See, Beck. They still love me.
I had a feeling they might.
[grunts]
Give me kisses. Mmm!
[theme music]