[instrumental music]
Okay, Comet.
Let's try it one more time.
Roll over.
Okay. Boys, show
him how it's done.
[boys laughing]
See how easy it is?
Now, you guys get a cookie.
- Thank you, Michelle.
Okay. Now you get a cookie.
[boys laughing]
I'm going to need
some more cookies.
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah-h-h ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman, the paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ah-h-h ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Uncle Jesse, are you
going to eat that sausage?
No, no, I was just gonna
cool it off for you. Phoo!
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Dad.
- Steph!
Why aren't you ready for school?
Dad, I have
a serious problem.
Do I go
post-preppie chic
or neo-retro grunge?
Oh, man, when I was
starting junior high
it was my brother's shirts
and my father's pants.
You know, it may be
time to give them back.
Steph, you have
nothing to worry about.
You'll look cool no
matter what you wear.
I don't feel cool.
It's been two weeks.
And I don't know anyone,
and nobody knows me.
My homeroom teacher
still calls me
"girl in the back
who grinds her teeth."
Honey, it's just gonna
take a little time.
- You'll make new friends.
- I hate redistricting.
Why'd I get stuck
at Di Maggio?
Jennifer B.
went to Van Atta
Jennifer C.
went to Marshall
and Jennifer S.
went to Central.
Maybe you'll meet
a new Jennifer.
You guys don't get it.
Junior high is all cliques.
The brains hang out
with the brains
the jocks
with the jocks.
And that leaves
two hall monitors
and Lester Hurbeck
a six-year-old genius
who plays the harp.
Stephanie, you
are a great kid.
You got to try
and relax a little.
Don't push so hard.
Right, Jess?
Yeah, just be cool.
And most importantly
don't let 'em
smell your fear.
- Yeah. Wear a lot of perfume.
- Right.
Thanks. Great advice.
I'll send you a postcard
from Dorkville.
[instrumental music]
What are you doing?
You know, these things should
really come with instructions.
Yeah, it is pretty complicated.
Pretty complicated.
Good one. Ha ha ha.
Well, bye.
- You're in sixth grade, right?
- Yeah.
What tipped you off?
Can you smell my fear?
No. Your books
are covered.
Oh. You're in
seventh grade, right?
- Yeah. My name's Mickey.
- I'm Stephanie.
Thanks.
Oh, I tried.
It's broken.
[dryer whirring]
Wow! That was cool!
[whirring stops]
[both laugh]
[instrumental music]
And the rush hour renegades
will be right back
with a new segment
where kids call in
and tell us about
their problems.
Right, right after
this message from
zits-no-more-my-teenie.
- Oh, the kids are here.
- Oh, hey, come on in you guys.
- Hi. Thanks for coming down.
- Hey, guys.
Yeah, thanks
for helping us out
with this new
teen-talk segment.
Uh, Joseph, buddy, pal.
I thought we agreed the name's
gonna be "Yackin' With Youth."
I mean, a youth calls up,
we yack with them
hence the name,
"Yackin' With Youth."
Jess, that's not fair.
You get to name everything.
Our old ad agency,
our radio show.
Nicky and Alex.
I'm their father.
I could have been consulted.
You know, I can't believe I'm
gonna finally be on the radio.
I-Is my voice too high?
'Cause I can do like, like
a Darth Vader thing. Ready?
Ahem. Uh, uh..
[imitating Darth Vader]
Luke, I am your father.
[imitates Darth Vader breathing]
Steve, I think your
regular voice is much sexier.
[squeaks]
Really?
Ahem. Uh, really?
Alright, guys.
We're on in three.
Here we go in
three, two, one.
[radio jingle]
'Rush hour renegades'
'comin' atcha.'
And we are back with
D.J., Kimmy, and Steve
three living,
breathing teenagers
here to help us help
you solve your problems
on a new segment
called "Teen Talk."
Now, he-he likes
to call it "Teen Talk"
but the actual name of the, uh,
show is "Yackin' With Youth."
Well, then how do you explain
a theme song that goes..
♪ Teen Talk talkin' with teens
Teen, Teen Talk-- ♪♪
On a show called..
♪ Yackin' With Youth
Yackin' With Youth ♪
♪ Yackin', yackin',
Yackin' With Youth.. ♪♪
Alright, let's take
our next call here.
Uh, it's from Randy.
Randy is, uh, 14.
And he has a problem with
homework. Go ahead, Randy.
(Randy on phone)
'Uh, yeah, I've been
paying a buddy of mine'
'to do my homework
since first grade'
'and now he's moving away.
What should I do?'
Well, Randy, that's, uh,
just the type of problem
we're here to solve on..
♪ Teen Talk ♪
♪ Yackin' With Youth ♪
♪ Teen Talk ♪
♪ Yackin', yackin'.. ♪♪
Alright, D.J., why
don't you handle, uh
why don't you handle Randy's
little problem while I
step outside and have
a little chat with my partner?
- Partner?
- Ow, ow, ow!
- We should call it "Teen Talk."
- Yackin'.
"Yackin' With Youth"
is the dumbest title
'I've ever heard.'
"Teen Talk."
"Teen Talk" is much better..
Uh...Randy, are you still there?
(Randy on phone)
'Yeah.'
Well, I think your best bet
is to try and do
your own homework.
I let this friend of mine
copy my homework for years
and she became
intellectually deficient.
What does that mean?
(Randy on phone)
'I'm gonna call Howard Stern
and see what he says.'
Hey, this is the radio.
Shouldn't we say somethin'?
Um, yeah, ahem, uh..
[imitating Darth Vader]
Luke, I am your father.
[imitates Darth Vader breathing]
[instrumental music]
I'm hungry.
I hope you have
something better
than that healthy
junk you had yesterday.
Hey, Michelle.
How's it going with Aaron?
How do I look
like it's going?
Aw, honey.
It won't be much longer.
I just, I promised his mom,
I'd, you know, I'd help her out
until his regular
babysitter stops twitching.
This fridge is a joke!
No Ding Dongs, no Ho Hos,
no Nutty Buddies.
It's bone dry!
I have raisins.
I'm allergic to raisins.
My lips blow up and I can't
talk when I eat raisins.
Raisins it is, then.
He's so cute, and his
locker's right next to mine.
I can smell his gym socks.
[Mickey laughs]
Hey, hey.
Hey, dad. This is a friend
of mine, Mickey from school.
A new friend! Well,
what did I tell you?
It's nice to meet you.
This is a great occasion.
I just want you to know,
any friend of Stephanie's
is a friend of mine and the--
Okay, dad. Ha ha.
Well, I can see
my time is up.
Mickey, can I
get you anything?
How about a note to get
me out of gym tomorrow?
I'm kidding!
I write my own notes.
[laughing]
Really?
Hey, dad, Mickey's
in seventh grade.
She showed me how
to get free doughnuts
from the teacher's lounge.
Really?
You guys wanna play
a game with us upstairs?
Michelle, we're in junior
high. Give me a break.
Yesterday, nobody
would even talk to her.
[chuckles nervously]
So, dad, can Mickey
stay for dinner?
Well, sure.
Oh, thanks,
but it's my turn
to make dinner
for me and Janet.
- Your sister?
- My mother. See ya.
- Bye, Mickey.
- Bye-bye.
So, uh...she calls
her mother Janet?
Yeah, isn't she cool, Danny?
Dad.
I don't know, uh,
it seems to me that
Mickey has a little
bit of an edge, you know.
An edge? Dad, you make her
sound like she's a criminal.
What? No. I didn't say that.
But that's what you're
thinking, aren't you?
Great, I finally find
a friend, and you hate her.
- I don't hate her.
- Well, you don't like her.
- I don't even know her.
- But you think you do.
And you're wrong,
whatever you think
about her, you're wrong.
[instrumental music]
- Do you like this shade?
- Sure, I use it all the time.
[chuckles]
It's for your lips.
Oh, I know, I was just
seeing if it was sharp.
[laughing]
So I said, that is the worst
fake ID I ever saw.
Uh, I'd better
get going.
Oh, hang out. Hey,
guys, this is Stephanie.
'This is Kelly, Gia, and Lisa.'
- The guys.
- That's funny.
You don't look like
guys to me. Ha ha ha.
[Stephanie laughing]
You guys check out the bod
on that new math teacher
Mr. Lucas? What a babe.
It was the first time I've
ever stayed awake in algebra.
- Uh...I'd better not.
- How come?
I-I'm trying to quit.
You should have seen
my last chest x-ray.
Sixth graders are
terminally pathetic.
[bell ringing]
Uh-oh. There's the bell.
We'd better get going.
- 'Uh-oh!'
- The bell!
(all)
Uh-oh!
Hey, give her a break.
She's a good kid.
Oh, yeah?
Then why don't you go
be a good kid with her?
Give me a light.
(Kelly)
'Where'd you find that dweeb?'
[all laughing]
[instrumental music]
Hi, Steph.
Want to play cards?
My life has come down to this.
- Where's your new friend?
- I don't know, Michelle.
I know where my friends are.
Denise is at home.
Derek's at dance class.
Russell's at Hebrew school.
O-okay, Michelle. Just deal.
Okay.
Hold your breath
and pick three cards.
- What?
- You breathed.
Now you have to sing
happy birthday to the king.
Michelle, what are
you talking about?
This isn't even
a real card game.
You're making it up
as you go along.
So what? That's how we play.
Fine. I capture
your queen.
Hey! You can't do that.
That's cheating.
How could I cheat?
There are no rules.
Cheater! Cheater! Cheater!
This game is stupid,
stupid, stupid.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Stop it!
Whoa! Whoa! Who-o-oa!
Guys, the airport just called
and complained about the noise.
Dad, Michelle invented this
stupid game with no rules--
Honey, if it's a stupid game
then why are you playing it?
- And where's your new friend?
- I don't know.
Why does everyone have
to pry into my personal life?
Hey, I'm a dad. Prying is
part of my job description.
Forget it. I'm through
playing with six-year-olds.
Hey, Nicky, you
done with the blue?
Well, huh, stay
inside the lines.
Well, you stayed
inside the page.
Hey, guys...
what do you think?
- Pretty cool, huh?
- Bad, Stephie.
It's yucky.
Pre-schoolers are
terminally pathetic.
Hi.
Steph, thanks for
watching the boys.
It's so much easier going
down the cookie aisle
without four extra arms
shooting out of the cart.
Sure, I could
watch 'em every day.
Well, wouldn't
you rather be with
your new friend from school?
Please, Aunt Becky,
could you just
not talk about
friends or school?
Oh, Steph.
I remember junior high.
It can be pretty tough.
It was tough
for you too?
Oh, sure.
I remember coming home crying
when I came in second
for winter princess.
You actually
cried over that?
Well, yeah.
Had to ride on
the little float
with only one
snowflake attendant..
Not a great example.
But if there's something
you want to talk about
maybe I can help.
Well...I
don't think so.
Well, if you ever do
think so, I'm here for you.
- Thanks, Aunt Becky.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you, mama.
You're welcome too.
[gasps]
You little cookie monsters.
'What did you do? What's that?'
Thank you very much
for the cookie.
Alright, we'll be right back
with "Yackin' With Youth."
- "Teen Talk."
- Ah!
Beat you. We were off the air.
You guys are acting
like a couple of babies.
You know what?
D.J.'s right.
Does it really matter
what we call the show?
- Of course not.
- Good.
Then "Yackin'
With Youth" it is.
- "Teen Talk."
- Yack.
- Talk. Talk!
- Yack. Yack!
You guys, cut it out.
There's a very simple
way to settle this.
Yeah. Do what we do
at the Gibbler house.
Let's see, we'll need
some masks, tights
and a steel death cage.
I-interesting plan,
Kimmy, but I was thinking
of an even
simpler solution.
We're all part
of the show
so why don't we just
take a vote on it?
Good idea.
Very good, Steve.
- And nice hair, by the way.
- Thank you.
Alright, all
in favor of, uh
"Yackin' With Youth"
raise your hand.
Thank you, Kimberly, I've
always liked you since day one.
Okay, all in
favor of the subtle
yet witty "Teen Talk"
put 'em up.
Thank you, Steven.
So, it's 2-2, makes it a tie.
It's up to you, D.J.
Well, to tell
you the truth
I think both titles
are kind of lame.
- Lame?
- Even mine?
Uh, Bert, Ernie, your
switchboard is lighting up.
Oh, alright, alright.
Hey, we're back.
I guess you
already knew that.
Uh, our next caller
is a girl named Olga.
She's a junior high
school student.
Olga, go ahead.
(Olga on phone)
'Uh, I-I am junior high student'
'uh, new to America.'
M-my problem is
a-a group of new friends
uh, wants for me to, uh, smoke
what you call, uh, cigarettes.
Well, Olga, did you do it?
(Stephanie on phone)
'A-a-almost, but no.'
Well, Olga, in-in our country
"almost, but no"
is, uh, thumbs upski.
Thumbs upski for you
maybe, Mr. Radioman
but I want for
this girl to like me.
Well, I think that
if you have to smoke
in order to be her friend
she's not a real friend.
That's right,
a true friend
likes you
for who you are
and how much
money you have.
Uh, um, you know, from-from
a guy's point of view, Olga
kissing a girl who smokes
is like kissing an ashtray.
What ashtray have you
been kissing lately?
Uh, well, actually,
my Aunt Ethel.
You know, I-I love her and all,
but she smokes so much
her dalmatian
is all black.
You know, Olga, you
sound like you have
a really nice voice.
You don't want to smoke.
You'll sound like Yosemite Sam
with a cactus
caught in your throat.
[imitating Yosemite Sam]
Ooh, I hate that ra-ra..
[coughing]
...ra..
Olga, what cartoon-breath
is trying to say over here
is that, uh, smoking is
not cool, and that's that.
You know, so, listen,
stick to your guns
and, most importantly,
enjoy our country.
Next up,
The Beach Boys.
See, guys, now does it really
matter what you call the show?
The important thing is that
we helped someone out today.
Yeah, you know,
D.J.'s right.
It was stupid getting into
this whole competitive thing.
Ah, it was just
a thing we did..
Sorry, pal.
Sorry, you guys.
You-you had to
put up with a lot.
You know what? After the show,
I'm gonna buy you guys a pizza.
You know what? After pizza,
I'm gonna take you all bowling.
Well, after bowling,
then ice cream's on me.
Ice cream, everyone.
All the toppings you want.
Well, then after that we're
going shopping. Who needs socks?
Socks? They don't need
socks. I've got money.
- I got cash.
- I got Krugerrands.
I've got, I've got..
[knocking on door]
Hey, Steph. How's it going?
[imitating Olga]
Is good.
I mean, uh, fine.
[imitating Olga]
Olga. So it was you
on the radio, huh?
- You heard me?
- Yeah.
Steph, I'm glad I did.
I knew something
was bugging you
but I didn't
know what it was.
Dad, I didn't want to tell you
about this whole cigarette thing
'cause I was afraid
you'd be mad at me.
Mad at you?
Steph, I am proud of you.
I know how hard it is
to go against the crowd.
Dad..
...did kids ever try
to get you to smoke?
Well, yeah.
But actually, you know,
it never appealed to me.
I always figured, if I wanted
to fill my lungs with smoke
I'd just stick my head in
a barbecue pit, you know.
But what am I gonna
do about Mickey?
I think I still
want to be her friend.
Well, you know
you got to trust
your instincts, honey.
If you like Mickey a-and you
think she's a good person
then you should be her friend.
But if you don't
want to be her friend
that's okay too, you know.
But why does she have to smoke?
Well, you know, it's
possible she's feeling
the same pressure
that you are.
She's just not strong
enough to stand up to it.
Maybe. But what do I do
if I see her tomorrow?
Do I tell her how I feel?
Should I wait for
her to talk to me?
Maybe I'll just stay home
and finish junior high by mail.
Oh, Steph.
You know what?
You just hang in there.
'Cause believe it or not,
it gets easier.
[girls laughing]
[clears throat]
So, they're letting
you go to the bathroom
all by yourself now?
Yeah.
When are you
gonna start?
Ooh!
Little Miss Bigmouth
got me good.
You want a smoke?
[scoffs]
Oh, that's right.
You quit.
[girls laughing]
Yeah. I guess I'm just
a big fan of breathing.
[Mickey laughing]
- What are you laughing at?
- That was funny.
If something is funny, I laugh.
Yeah. If something's
funny, she laughs.
Shut up.
Sixth graders
are a waste of skin.
You should know. You were
there for three years.
It was two. So, ha!
Come on, Mickey.
Walk me to detention.
Mickey, you
coming or what?
No, you guys go.
I'm gonna hang out here.
With this scrub?
If she wants to hang out
with a scrub, she can.
Not that there is one in
here, but if there were--
They got the point.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
[bell ringing]
Well, uh, guess
I'd better go.
- Yeah, okay. See ya.
- See ya.
Wait, Steph.
You want to do
something after school?
Well, I do, but my lungs don't.
Oh, the smokes.
I've been thinking
of cutting down.
Great.
Did you see what Mr. Lucas
was wearing today?
Brand-new Dockers.
He's so cute.
[laughing]
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba da ♪♪