Boys, boys!
Boys, I'm opening up
the Smash Club tonight.
I'm trying to do
some last minute accounting.
I need some time alone.
Here. Come over here.
Here, here you go.
Here's your dough.
Play with it.
Hence the name, play dough.
There you go.
Still working, Uncle Jesse?
Yes.
You need a cookie break.
Michelle, I'm too old
for a cookie break.
Besides, I polished off the last
bit of Oreos around midnight.
Why didn't you wake me?
I'm sorry, kid.
You see, I'm so busy, I..
You know, I never realized
how expensive it is
to own your own club.
Check out..
Check out this grand total.
Look at this.
You see that?
Look at that.
One dollar
and ninety eight cents.
Wow! I can open a club
with my tooth fairy money.
Oh, yeah.
Something is going awry here.
What about it, gentlemen?
Hmm?
How did this play dough
get inside my calculator?
Don't know.
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aaah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability? ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy
evenin' TV ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face
of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!
I have been tasting coffee
all day
and I think, I've come up
with the perfect brew
for the Smash Club opening,
okay?
Oh, here's the bill
for the coffee beans.
I think all this coffee-tasting
has got you a little wired.
Now, listen. I got everything
riding on the club tonight.
Okay? So I need you to be calm,
cool, and collected.
Everything's gotta click
like clockwork. Got it?
Clickin' like clockwork.
Clickety-clack. Clickety-clack.
Calm, cool, collected.
Clickety-clack. Down the track.
♪ Pardon me, boy ♪
♪ Is that the
Chattanooga choo choo ♪
♪ Hoot hoot track 29 ♪
♪ Say can you give me a shine?
Hey! ♪♪
Calm, calm, please.
- Ca..
- Okay.
- There we go. Okay?
- Okay.
- Feeling better now?
- Yeah.
'Good. Your head is starting
to go. Let me see.'
(Danny)
'Sorry.'
What did I tell you guys
about dancing without me?
Hey, guys, I got great news.
You will not believe the band
I booked for tonight.
What are you talking about?
We booked the Brass Weasels
three weeks ago.
Forget about the Brass Weasels.
I got R.E.M.
They're under
the same management.
- You got R.E.M?
- Yeah.
R.E.M.'s gonna play
at the Smash Club?
Well, yeah, they played
there years ago
and they thought it'd be a kick
to come back and play again.
Joey, my man.
R.E.M.
Thank you.
Gee, your hair smells like
melon. What are you using?
Oh, it's this new stuff,
it's called, uh
Gee, Your Hair Smells
Like Melon.
Keep them closed. No peeking.
Okay, keep 'em closed.
Close them.
Here we go, and..
Ta-da!
- Whoa!
- Wow!
Uncle Jesse, I love it.
It is so cool.
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
Hey, check this out.
You wanna see cool?
Check this out for cool.
- Ah?
- Oh.
Whoa.
It's kind of a 90s look back
at the 70s thing.
You know, kind of..
The only problem is
it's so hard to fix your hair.
You gotta keep moving.
Here we go.
[feedback]
Ho ho ho.
Girls, girls, girls, please.
It's very expensive equipment.
Do not touch the microphone.
We're not.
[rattling]
- This isn't working.
- Danny.
Danny, Da..
What are you doing?
I'm playing the slot machine.
This coffee machine
is not working.
It's not a coffee machine.
It's imported from Italy.
Its name is Signore Cappuccino.
Here.
It was working fine yesterday.
Read the instructions.
No problem. Doesn't even matter.
I-I brought coffee from home.
If anybody's thirsty,
I've got some right here.
Anybody want coffee?
Anyone, anyone?
Hey, check it out.
New waitresses are here.
I hope these pockets are big
enough to hold all our tips.
Kimmy, what the heck
did you do to your uniform?
I'm just trying
to wear something
to express my personality.
Yeah, well, it makes me
wanna express my lunch.
Now, take that clown outfit off,
and you girls get to work.
Ouch! Hard to feel good
about life after that.
Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie.
What did I tell you
about the sound equipment?
Michelle, this is not a toy.
Don't blame me.
I'm just playing with the drums.
Jess, honey, honey, come here.
You know, what sometimes,
when I'm under a lot of pressure
I sit in my car
with the windows rolled up
and I let out one good scream.
Well, that's good to know. From
now on, I'll do the driving.
Jo, Joseph, Joseph, my..
The man that brought me R.E.M.
You know, I'm starting
to think you're the only guy
I can count on around here.
Well, hold that thought.
Uh, there's been
a little mix-up.
What kind of mix-up?
Oh, hi, girls.
Oh, listen, the, uh, the
bingo hall is down the street.
Uh, Jess, actually,
I'd like you to meet, uh
Renee, Esther, and Martha.
Get it, R-E-M?
(all)
Well, what's up, darling?
Hi, girls.
So nice to meet you.
Excuse me one second, while
I speak to my friend, Joseph.
Joseph.
Jess, I'm really sorry,
I mean, what are the chances
of two groups
having the same name?
What are the chances
of my whole night being ruined?
- I'd say pretty good.
- Get that.
Uh, ladies, can I show you
to your dressing room?
[machine hissing]
Danny, Danny, Danny.
What are you doing
to my Signore Cappuccino?
- I said read the instructions.
- They're in Italian.
Uncle Jesse--
- No.
- No what?
- I didn't ask you anything.
- The answer's just no.
You know what, everybody, you
know, just stay out of my hair.
Okay? I'm trying to open
this club.
Everybody's getting in my way.
Things are getting messed up.
Please, just let me do
everything myself, alright?
- Fine.
- Okay.
- Alright. Fine.
The microphone,
the drums, and the co..
Look at this. See, this is
exactly what I'm talking about.
Empty napkin holder,
I ordered special napkins
and are they in here?
No.
Napkins! Napkins!
Flypaper. Flypaper.
Ah, here they are.
Napkins.
"The Smush Club."
I specifically
ordered the Smash..
Well, maybe Becky's right. Maybe
I just need to let out a good..
Aah!
- What are you doing?
- Don't kill me.
I'll get back to work.
What we have here
is shoddy craftsmanship.
Give me that.
Oh, no, we're stuck.
Oh, this can't be happening.
Not tonight.
Well, look on the bright side.
At least you're not alone.
Help!
[instrumental music]
Don't you know anything
besides "Wipeout?"
Oh, I'm sorry, Beck.
Too much coffee. I'm sorry.
Hey, guys, we can't find
Uncle Jesse anywhere.
Yeah, we tracked him
as far as the kitchen
then we lost the scent
of his styling gel.
Alright, well, don't worry.
He'll be here.
I mean, remember, this is
the man who went skydiving
on our wedding day.
He just handles pressure
his own way.
His own boneheaded way.
Hey, hey, there's a whole lot
of people lining up outside.
It must be a fire drill.
No, Michelle,
th-those are our customers.
We-we should have started
ten minutes ago.
I gotta figure out
a way to make cappuccino.
Alright.
It's just you and me.
Man versus machine.
You keep in mind.
I once kicked the crumbs
out of an eight-slice toaster.
[machine rattling]
Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Okay.
Hey, I was kidding, alright?
I would never hurt an appliance.
- 'Oh!'
- Alright, D.J.
You and Kimmy
finish setting all the..
- Where's Kimmy?
- I don't know.
I haven't seen her in a while.
Maybe she's touching up
her makeup.
Any paint rollers missing?
- Hey,
- 'Oh, Joey, look.'
We're gonna have to open
with or without Jesse.
- Is R.E.M. ready?
- Oh, yeah.
They're preparing just like
any other rock group.
They're making a quilt.
Hey, guys. Guys,
come on, what's the holdup?
I brought a bunch
of buddies from college.
Well, I guess
we better let them in.
I just hope no one wants
any coffee or entertainment.
Hey, everybody, come on.
Guys, come on in.
Let's all get down front
for R.E.M., okay?
(all chanting)
R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!
R. E. M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!
'R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!'
[clanking]
Runnin' out of knives.
Isn't this
a crazy twist of fate?
You and I
stuck here like this?
Aw, Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy.
Look, Kim, I-I know
over the years, you've, uh..
...probably had a little,
uh, crush on me.
Get real, I meant,
we're stuck here
with all these chips,
and no dip.
I know that.
See? That's what I'm saying.
No dip.
The way everybody's
screwing up around here
I'm probably
out of business already.
[banging]
Help!
What's-what's a "Smush Club?"
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Even the printer screwed up.
I specifically wrote clear
as day on the order form.
- Smash Club.
- Is this your handwriting?
Of course, it's my handwriting.
Yep, you're right, clear as day.
Smush Club.
Who gets the blame for that one,
Mr. Perfect? The pen?
Well, as a matter of fact, yes,
I was using one of Joey's, uh
Yogi, the bear pens.
It was so cute.
It was, uh, the thing
with Ranger Smith.
You turn it upside-down,
and his pants fall down.
Okay, so I made
one small mistake.
Ooh, so even
the boss makes mistakes.
I guess the napkin's on the
other foot now, eh, mousse man?
So I go to the doctor and I say,
"Hey, doc, I have a headache."
And he says,
"Well, take off your clothes."
So I say,
"Will that stop my headache?"
And he says, "No, I just
hate what you're wearing."
[Steve laughing]
[clears throat]
Yeah?
How come your friends
aren't, uh, laughing?
Uh, well, I guess it's because
they're all exchange students
from Greenland
and none of them speak English.
Oh, that might have
something to do with it.
I guess. Yeah,
but-but don't worry, okay?
Because they'll go crazy
when R.E.M. comes on.
(all chanting)
R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!
Your cafe latte
is on the way.
Um, your espresso,
it's on the way.
Whatever it was you ordered,
it's on the way.
[clinking glass]
Miss, remember me, the
cappuccino and the sticky bun?
I'm sorry, sir,
but it's not quite ready yet.
Neither is this club
and I intend to make that
quite clear in my review.
Review?
Are you a critic?
Elliott Warner,
perhaps you're familiar
with my column,
Eating Out With Elliott.
Yeah. I read it this morning.
You said
some pretty horrible things
about that place
on Market Street.
Yes, well,
mother lost her touch.
- How is everything going here?
- I'd like to see the owner.
[chuckles]
So would I.
This club is a disgrace.
Look, sir, it's opening night,
and we're having a few problems.
- A few?
- Listen, buster.
The owner is missing.
We're a waitress short.
All the instructions
are in Italian.
And not one person has said
they like my dress.
So if you're not happy here
you can just take
your ponytail, and--
- Aunt Becky.
- What?
[whispering]
[laughing]
Mr. Warner.
I hope you enjoyed
that little scene
from "Agnes, Hostess From Hell."
It's part of a little
theater group
we have going here
at the Smash Club.
So please feel free to stick
around for our second show.
Look at these instructions. I
should have studied engineering.
Dad, we're dying out there.
Where's the cappuccino?
Somewhere
inside this devil machine.
[rattling]
Hiss.
Guys, we're in trouble,
I just heard somebody say
this is the worst service
they've ever had.
Was it that guy over there?
No, it was this girl over here.
I'm sorry but 15 minutes
for milk is ridiculous.
- Oh, that's it. I give up.
- What do you mean, Joey?
- You can't quit.
- Well, you're right.
I mean, quitting's what you do
when you're getting paid.
I'm just stopping.
You know, Becky, maybe we should
just close up right now and have
the grand opening on a night
that the owner's actually here.
Oh, well, now,
wait a minute, you guys.
Jesse has always
been there for us
so we have to be there for him.
Come on, we're a team.
It's like my volleyball coach
used to say.
"Stop whining, Donaldson,
and get your can out there."
Hey, wait a minute.
It's working.
Okay, see? This is a sign.
Uh, Steph, Michelle,
you help D.J. waitress.
Everyone else,
you know what to do.
Bump, set, spike!
Well, that's what
my coach used to say.
Oh, come, sei bella.
Molto bene.
- How did you get it to work?
- Maybe..
Maybe he made it an offer..
...that it couldn't refuse.
Michael.
Help.
I'm gonna slip this rescue note
under the door.
"Help.
Trapped in here with.."
Is egotistical, hair-crazed
maniac a hyphenated word?
Gibbler, give me a break.
I'm trying to be a good boss.
Well, a good boss
doesn't go around screaming
and insulting people.
Now, who did I insult?
Oh, you mean that crack
about that clown outfit?
That didn't offend you,
did it?
Why do you think
I was sitting here all alone
in a dark storeroom?
To slack off
and steal food?
No, well, I mean, that occurred
to me once I got here but..
...you really hurt my feelings.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, Kimmy.
I really worked hard
on this uniform.
I just wanted
to look nice for tonight.
I know. Big opening.
Well, that and I was hoping
to meet a rich guy
get married, and get out
of my biology test next week.
You're right, Kimmy.
I was, I was a jerk.
I mean, you know, I opened
this club so everyone could have
a good time, and I end up
making everyone miserable
including myself.
Well, hey, it's okay, big guy.
Just.. Go ahead and cry.
Just let it all out.
I'm not crying.
A drip hit me.
- I did not.
- Not you.
That was a drip from this, uh,
this air conditioning vent.
Look out.
Hey.
This may be our way out.
Where are you going?
Wherever this takes me.
Oh!
Gibbler, I'm stuck.
I never thought I'd say this
but, uh, grab the tush and push.
You got it, boss.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Here you go, our special
cappuccino, piping hot.
With extra whipped cream.
And a nice, fresh sticky bun.
With extra sticky.
Excellent.
Subtle, yet sophisticated.
- Is there a problem?
- Mister, you have--
Uh, enjoy your nose..
Coffee.
Thank you.
Wo-ho!
Well, now that
you're all in a good mood
a, uh, understanding mood
heck, a non-violent mood
I think it's time
to bring out the band
and, uh, let's, uh,
let's bring them right out
and I swear their name
is, uh, R.E.M. Here we go.
(all chanting)
R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Aah aah aah ♪
♪ My bonnie lies
over the ocean ♪
♪ My bonnie lies
over the sea ♪
(all)
Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
One, and two, and..
[guitar music]
♪ I said whip it ♪
♪ Whip it good ♪
♪ I said whip it ♪
♪ Whip it good
crack that whip ♪
♪ Give the past a slip ♪
♪ Step on a crack ♪
♪ Break your mama's back ♪
♪ Ba ba ♪
♪ When a problem comes along ♪
♪ You must whip it when
the feelings gone too long ♪
♪ You must whip it
when something's going wrong ♪
♪ You must whip it ♪
♪ Now whip it into shape ♪
♪ Shape it up get straight ♪
♪ Go forward move ahead ♪
♪ I do detect that
it's not too late ♪
♪ To whip it
whip it good ♪
♪ Crack that whip ♪
♪ Give the past a slip ♪
I don't believe this.
They love them. This is amazing.
This is a home run.
This is a number one with the..
This is by far..
I'm very excited.
I guess we're a success.
I wish I knew
where Jesse was though.
I'm really starting
to get worried.
Aunt Becky, I don't think
you have to worry anymore.
[applause]
Whoa.
♪ To whip it
whip it good ♪
(Rebecca)
'Jess.'
What are you doing up there?
Getting nauseous.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here he is.
The owner of the Smash Club,
Jesse Katsopolis.
[cheering and applauding]
Hi, nice to see you all.
Hi, welcome to Smash Club,
everybody.
Thank you. Hi.
Thanks so much for coming.
- 'Oh, honey.'
- My dear.
- Thank you.
- Fabulous, fabulous.
Thanks. You have something
white on your nose there.
It's a little..
Excuse me.
Hi.
♪ Whip it whip it good ♪♪
Oh, what a great night, huh?
Great is the operative word
there. Great with a capital G.
You know what, guys,
I-I'm gonna, I'm gonna put
another pot of coffee, okay?
Any-anybody want a cup
before I wash the windows?
Danny, I think
you've had enough coffee.
You know what, Becky,
you're absolutely right.
Uh, maybe I'll make some tea.
Hot chocolate.
Anybody wants some of that?
Cola, diet cola?
I'll find something.
Guys, I don't know what to say.
This was..
This was the greatest night
of my life.
I mean, everything was perfect..
...once the room
stopped spinning.
Listen, uh..
[sighs]
I'm sorry I was such a jerk.
I promise, no more
bossing people around.
No more insulting people
like I, I did with you, Kim.
Aw, you big, sentimental lug.
- Ah, what the heck?
- No, Uncle Jesse.
We've lost him to the dark side.
Is anyone as tired as I am?
(all)
'Yes.'
Well, Michelle is.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where's everybody going?
Look, look, I got games.
I got games.
'I got Trivial Pursuit,
uh, Scattergories.'
I got Twister, I got Twister.
That's a great idea, you guys go
upstairs and get in your pajamas
and I'll get everything set up.
That's perfect. Okay,
who's gonna go first?
Me.
Okay. Here we go.
Spin the wheel.
Uh-oh. Right foot red.
I got it.
Whoa. Left foot green.
Okay. Uh, guys?
Uh, right hand blue.
Boy, I put myself in a rough
position there, didn't I?
[theme music]
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪