Now, the key to successful
barbecue sauce
is using just the right amount
of ingredients.
Little bit of salt.
A tiny bit of pepper.
And let's give it a try.
Okay. Here we go.
Not bad, not bad, but you know,
I'm feeling a little
wacky tonight, kids.
I'm feeling little nutty.
What do you say, we put
in a little lemon juice, huh?
Okay, lemon juice.
'Lemon juice.'
'Where's the lemon juice?
The lemon juice.'
'Where's the lemon juice?'
Ah. Here it is.
Just what we need.
- Hi, daddy.
Hi, boys.
I missed you, too.
Alright, now..
...we're gonna add just
a splash of lemon juice.
Very good.
And we give it
a big taste. Okay.
Whoo! That, uh..
That brought it
to life, didn't it?
Uh. Hey, you wanna
try some, son?
How about you?
You wanna try some?
- Okay. More for me.
- Here, daddy.
Yeah, it needs a little
more lemon juice. Thank you.
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ahhhh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
(Rigby on TV)
Hey, everybody,
who's your favorite rhino?
- Rigby the rhino.
Rigby will be right back,
so don't touch that remote!
(man on TV)
'Here he comes!
It's Action Rigby!'
'He's an action figure!'
'He's a party animal!'
'He's your sleepy time pal.'
Good night, Rigby.
We love you.
(man on TV)
'And Rigby loves you, too.'
'Send for yours now.'
'Sleepy time slumber cot
sold separately!'
(Rigby)
Remember, kids,
you can see me in person at..
(male #1)
'The Bayview Mall today
from two to four.'
(Rigby)
We'll see you there!
You sure will.
Boy, I hope
my Action Rigby comes today.
Yeah. We've been
waiting forever.
Daddy!
Mail's still not here.
Hey, did you order
the sleepy time slumber cot?
Nah. I haven't told
Stephanie yet.
But Rigby's getting her bed.
- Hey, guys.
- Good morning.
Listen. I, uh,
I can't go with you to see
"Phantom of the Opera" tonight.
Oh, come on, Joey.
It's not that scary.
Joey,
Vicky's flying in for this.
We were all
gonna go out together.
Hey, what can I do? My date
just called and canceled.
Wow, it's kinda last minute.
I hope she has a good excuse.
She's gettin' married.
That's a good excuse.
Hey, Deej, why don't you
and Steve use the tickets?
- Really?
- 'Yeah.'
Oh, I'd love to.
Thank you guys so much.
You know,
I have the perfect dress but..
I wanna do something
really special with my hair.
Oh, Deej, Deej. Why don't you
go to my man, Alejandro.
Alejandro's very exclusive.
Do you think he'll take me?
I'll write you
a letter of reference.
And look, don't worry,
once you pass the written test
the oral's a snap.
Here. Ask them.
Hey, guys...what do you think
of D.J's hair?
Yikes.
Now I'm scaring the dog.
You know, I could've
gone to Alejandro, but no.
I had to go to Mr. Tony
so you could get
your free neck shave.
I'm sorry, Deej. I guess that
lightning strike you took
was more severe than I thought.
Hey, guys.
Yikes.
I don't wanna hear it.
Hi, Kimmy.
Ah! Nice smooth neck.
Thank you.
Michelle, your
Action Rigby's here.
Give me! Give me! Give me!
Hey, I bet mine is here, too.
Hey, nothing's here but a book.
They forgot Rigby!
Uh, Michelle, Michelle..
Uh, I think that's a catalog
to order more Rigby stuff.
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
See this little
orange packing peanut?
Say hello to Action Rigby!
This can't be it.
It doesn't fly.
It doesn't dance.
Do something!
Oh, Danny, how romantic.
Practicing carrying me
across the threshold.
Well, actually, Vicky.
I-I just waxed the landing
and high heels can be murder.
- Ohh...you.
Hey, lovebirds.
Get a cage.
Hey, sorry.
Did you guys, uh, do this
threshold thing
when you were married?
- Of course.
- Man, you were heavy.
I was carrying the luggage.
- Hey, Mr. Tanner.
- Hey.
Look. Thanks for invitin' me to
the play and all but, um..
Do you know how to get a grease
stain out of a sport jacket?
Well, Steve,
it should be no problem.
It depends if it's had a chance
to set. When did it happen?
Uh, well, let's see.
Today's Saturday, right?
So that'd be, uh
...five years ago.
Steve, can you
believe this hair?
Uh..
Um..
I love it.
Are you kidding? It's awful.
Oh. Oh, man,
oh, yeah. I hate it!
Steve, you just said
you loved it.
No, no, no. But that was before
I knew that you hated it. See?
So what you're saying is
you just lied to me.
No. No, what I'm saying is..
Well, whatever you wanna hear.
I don't wanna hear that.
Oh, then that's not what I said.
Okay, alright.
Let's not panic here.
I'm sure that we can fix this.
Hey, yeah. We can just
wash it out and start all over.
Should've gone to Alejandro.
I know. I know.
Look, Jess,
we may have to get into your
emergency hair care stash.
Alright. Just use that little
red hammer to break the glass.
Come on, D.J., don't worry,
I'm sure it'll look beautiful
no matter what you do to it.
Nice try.
Oh, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.
- What'd I do?
- Ha ha ha ha.
He wants to know what he did.
- You waffled.
- Major waffle.
See, the first thing you did
was you said something nice.
- That was good.
- But then you backed off.
That was bad.
For example,
a woman wants to know
if the, if the dress she's
wearing makes her look heavy.
The answer is, "of course not."
Sometimes I like to
mix it up with, uh..
"No, no, you're not fat. I think
it's just thick material."
Okay, now it's your turn, okay.
D.J. asks you did you think
that girl walking by
in the string bikini
is attractive?
The answer is?
No.
Incorrect.
The correct answer is,
"what girl?
I didn't see a girl. I don't
know what you're talking about "
See, that's the correct answer.
See, Stephen,
women are, uh..
What's the word
I'm lookin' for?
Overly sensitive
about their appearance.
So, it is our job as men
to make the woman in our life
feel good about herself.
So, uh, basically
what you're saying is
that no matter how D.J. looks
it's always my job to tell her
she looks like a hot babe.
Exactly, but, uh..
...since we're talkin'
about my daughter here
uh, would you mind replacing
the words "hot babe"
with, uh, "excellent student?"
Thank you.
Joey.
Oh, can you guys give me
a little push here?
One.
Oh, man. It's break time.
Joey, Stephanie said
I got ripped off.
She did. Look at the giant
Action Rigby they sent her.
On the commercial,
it was humongous.
Well, uh...they do say
TV adds about ten pounds.
So I did get ripped off.
Oh, Michelle. Hey,
that just happens sometimes.
Um, tell you what. Let me, uh..
Let me show you somethin', okay.
When I was um,
when I was a kid
I wanted to be a,
a Ventriloquist, right?
So, I-I sent away for this.
Mr. Talkie.
Look, his mouth is painted on.
So, how are you, Mr. Talkie?
[mumbling]
Thank you, Mr. Talkie.
[muffled scream]
So the point is, Michelle...
everyone gets taken sometimes.
You mean you can't do anything?
Well, I think I saw
an 800 number in the catalog.
We don't have time
to dial 800 numbers!
No. Michelle, you see,
uh...we'll talk later.
Come on. Let's go
make a phone call. Let's go.
It's ringing.
I'll put it on speaker phone.
(male #2)
'Hi, and welcome to
Rigby the Rhino International.'
'Press 1 if your
Rigby pen is leaking.'
'Press 2 if your Rigby sticker'
'turned everything
in the wash orange.'
Remind me to cross those
off my Christmas list.
'Press 3 if you're dissatisfied'
'with the size
of your Action Rigby.'
That's us.
'It's not the size of your
Action Rigby that's important.'
'It's the fun you bring to it.'
'Have a happy Rigby day.'
"Have a happy Rigby day?"
The nerve of those guys.
At least they could
pretend to care.
I spent all
my tooth fairy money
and all I got was
a hole in my mouth
and a piece of junk.
[knock on door]
I got it.
- Hey, Denise.
- I got ripped off!
Me, too!
Guys, you gotta give it up
'cause there's nothing
you can do.
Ha! There's plenty we can do.
Rigby's at the mall today,
right?
Right. But I don't
wanna see him.
Oh, we're gonna
see him, alright.
In fact, we're gonna
get all your friends
and we're gonna rattle
that rhino's horn.
Wow. Joey, you're steamed.
Ooh! I hate that rhino!
Alright. Here's what
we're gonna do, okay.
We're gonna go the mall,
make signs..
[rap music]
♪ Who comes on the air
with his nostrils flared ♪
♪ And makes a ferocious sound ♪
♪ Ah-ooh ♪
♪ Who helps you learn
it's that pachyderm ♪
♪ I'm orange so dig me ♪
♪ I'm Rigby ♪♪
Okay, kids, let's do it.
(in unison)
Rigby is a rip-off!
What seems to be
the problem, little rhinos?
No, it-it's okay, Michelle.
Go ahead. Tell him how you feel.
Go on.
Rigby, I'm Michelle Tanner.
I live at 1882 Girard Street.
And your point is?
How come in the commercial
Action Rigby was big and fun
and all I got was this?
Hold it up. We can't see it.
I am holding it up.
I was goin' to bring this in
for show and tell
but there's nothin' to show.
(in unison)
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, kids. Take it easy.
You know, Rigby
...you've done more
than rip off
little kids' money.
You've ripped off
their innocence.
How do you sleep at night?
Especially with that horn?
Rigby is a rip-off!
(in unison)
Rigby is a rip-off!
So long, kids.
I gotta go powder my horn.
- Get the limo ready.
- Let's go.
Rigby's gettin' away!
Follow that rhino!
Okay, hey, hey, hey!
Show's over.
Rigby has left the building!
Now all you protesters
I'm gonna have to ask you to
leave peacefully. Let's go.
Uh, pardon me, but these kids
are just exercisin'
their right
of free speech.
You're a little old to be
a Rigby fan, aren't you, fella?
Well, you're never too old
to defend the constitution.
But this here is a private mall.
The constitution ends
at the gap.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
Okay. We're gonna leave.
But it's not because
we're afraid of you.
It's because I can't
pull my pants up any higher.
Let's go, kids.
Okay, there you go.
Looks like hair again.
Thanks, guys,
you know, I can't believe
Steve lied to me
about my hair.
Should we tell her?
I think she's ready.
It's time you learned
the facts about men.
Oh, it's okay. They gave us
the pamphlet in fifth grade.
We know the pamphlet.
Yes. This goes
way beyond the pamphlet.
See, when you ask a man
"How do I look?"
Men become,
how do I put this nicely?
Spineless jellyfish.
Yes, yes, yes,
you made what is considered
the classic rookie mistake.
You asked a man what he thought
and expected the truth.
I know you guys a lot
are older than me, but..
Did I say older?
I meant wiser.
But I can't believe
what you're saying about men.
It's true,
when it comes to how we look
guys will always
avoid confrontation.
They would rather
hand over the remote.
You're exaggerating.
No, I'm not.
Should we put it to the test?
She's gotta learn sometime.
Alright, Steve. Next scenario.
D.J's just come home
from the beauty parlor
and it looks like her hair
was greased with crankcase oil.
You say?
Wow. Your hair looks beautiful!
Not dry like other girls.
Now that is excellent, Stephen.
Complimentary without
a hint of waffle.
Okay, Deej, watch and learn.
(Becky)
'Well, don't you guys
look nice.'
Alright, Steve-o,
watch and learn.
Becky, you are a vision of..
What's with the shoes?
You forgot to change your shoes.
What, you don't like them?
I thought they looked cute.
Ah. Hey, babe.
Cute as a bug.
I can't tell you how many times
I saw Michael Jordan
and thought, ooh, cute shoes.
- Thanks, honey. That's sweet.
- Ahh.
See? See that?
That was a nice recovery.
You are learning
from a master over there.
I'm ready.
Vicky...sweetheart.
Were you shopping
at sea world again, honey?
Oh, you mean the earrings?
Aren't these great?
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, they're fabulous.
Honey, you know,
the great thing about them is
when I nibble on your ear
I can listen to the ocean.
- Ooh.
- See.
See, Steve-o,
that was beautiful.
Why aren't you takin' notes?
(D.J.)
'I'm ready.'
Alright. Go get 'em, killer.
Wow, Deej, you look..
You look, you look..
You look, um...l-l-like
nothing I've ever seen.
Well, I-I'm
going for an evening look.
What do you think?
Well, uh, on the positive side..
...you're an excellent student.
I'm talking about my makeup.
Do you like it?
Um..
Oh, guys, I can't do it.
D.J., y-you're so
naturally beautiful.
Why you wearing all that goop?
You know, your face, looks like,
looks like a parrot exploded.
I love you, Steve.
Eh, guys? See? Not every woman
is overly sensitive.
Overly sensitive?
Oh, w-w-well, o-overly, deriving
from the Greek word Overopolis.
Uh, meaning just enough or the
perfect amount of sensitivity.
See, Steve. I knew
you would be honest with me.
Aunt Becky and Vicky were
trying to prove that
men would say anything
to avoid confrontation.
Well, we won't say anything
to avoid confrontation.
If there's something
on our minds, we say it.
- Hey, right on, brother man.
- Brother man!
And besides,
I knew you were foolin'
with those shoes the whole time.
Yeah, and I knew
those earrings were a joke.
I love these earrings.
So do I!
I'm joking.
So was I!
- Brother man.
Well, I think
that proves our point.
You know what? We should
get ready before we're late.
And you know, you guys
you could really learn something
from Steve here.
"Ahhh, I can't do it, guys.."
"You're so naturally
beautiful, Deej.."
Guys, come on, I thought you
avoided confrontation.
Yeah. In the house. Get outside.
Hey, come on, you guys. There's
nothin' to feel down about.
Sometimes just makin' a stand
is a victory in itself.
It took a lot of courage
to get up on that stage
and tell that rhino
how you felt.
But I'm just a little kid.
He didn't even listen to me.
Yeah. He sure got his tail
out of there pretty fast.
Yeah. But all those kids
heard you guys today.
And you might've saved them
from wasting their allowance
or their tooth fairy money
on an Action Rigby.
You guys made
a big difference today.
Well, I don't feel different.
[doorbell rings]
Hi.
Is my little buddy, uh..
Oh, Michelle Tanner here?
Uh, sure. Just a second.
Michelle!
It's rip-off the rhino!
Well, aren't you just
a thimbleful of catnip.
Hi, Michelle.
May I help you?
Look. Rigby, haven't you
ripped off enough kids today?
Why don't you just
take your plastic
and peddle it someplace else?
Whoa. Hear me out, big fella.
I got a surprise
for you, Michelle.
I'm sendin' everyone who ordered
one of those
dinky Action Rigby's
one of these big,
plush, made in Taiwan
super cuddly, huggable Rigby's.
Now this is more like it.
- Thanks, Rigby.
- No. Thank you, Michelle.
For remindin' me
that making kids happy
is what Rigby's all about.
- Anytime, Rigby.
- Aww, shucks.
See? You guys can
make a difference.
I'm very proud of both of you.
You know, he really is nice.
I'd take a bullet
for that rhino.
Well, gotta go.
So long, guys.
Wait, Rigby. Aren't you
gonna do the Rigby dance?
Ooh, well, Rigby's
playin' racquetball
with Big Bird tonight but..
Aw, what the heck. Hit it.
[rap music]
♪ Who comes on the air
with his nostrils flared ♪
♪ And makes a ferocious sound ♪
♪ Ah-ooh ♪
♪ Who helps you learn
it's that pachyderm ♪
♪ I'm orange so dig me ♪
♪ I'm Rigby ♪♪
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪