[instrumental music]
[Joey humming]
Brownies!
Yummy!
Shh..
We gotta be sneaky.
[Joey humming]
Come on.
Nicky, when I count to three,
you pick up the plate.
One, two, three.
Oops. Busted.
Okay, you little
brownie nabber.
Hand over
the baked goods.
You heard the man.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aaah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability? ♪
♪ The milkman the paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Aah aah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost
out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby doo baa ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Well, this is cool.
Look at this.
They didn't
cancel the stamp.
Got myself
a freebie.
Hey, what are you doing?
Well, I'm gonna use
this stamp again.
It's called,
saving 29 cents.
Or in your language,
"half an almond joy."
Hey, D.J., talk to your uncle
before he ends up
on an episode
of "America's Most Wanted."
He's trying to cheat
the US Postal Service.
I'm not cheating.
Oh, correction.
Stealing.
Alright, fine, fine.
You want the stamp?
Here. Here's the stupid stamp.
There you go.
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat
but my SAT's are tomorrow,
remember?
The test that determines
what college I get into?
If I don't nail this,
I'm not gonna go to Stanford.
Hey, Kimmy, where
are you applying?
Clown college?
Well, I do
have an in.
My Uncle Gibbo
is the dean.
Why am I not surprised?
We have to study.
Hey, Jess,
look what I made.
This potato kind of looks
like Joe Pesci.
That's funny.
[imitating Joe Pesci]
Okay, funny like-like what?
Like I amuse you, some
like a French fry or like..
Okay, alright, okay,
like what, huh?
Joey, I-I have
one word for you..
...dating.
What are you looking at?
You're looking at me?
I'm looking back at you,
you little spud head.
"Wheel Of..
...Fortune!"
[instrumental music on TV]
Do you mind?
I'm trying to study.
Hey, we can learn
a lot from Vanna.
She knows where every letter
on that board is.
Kimmy, look at this
practice test.
I've to raise my score
150 points
if I'm gonna get
into Stanford.
Safety ranger
and deputies coming through.
Michelle, what are you doing?
It's Safety Week
at school.
My deputies are helping me
look for violations.
Mm-hmm..
Ah!
[whistling]
Safety violation!
Violation.
Whose jacket is this?
It's mine, squirt.
What's it to ya?
Clothes on a lamp
can cause a fire.
I'm giving you a ticket.
Deputy, do your duty.
Michelle, I really
don't have time for this.
There's always
time for safety.
Well, for your own safety,
get out.
Come on, guys, let's go.
Well, okay, on Friday's show,
we can either do a remote
from the opening
of the new highway
or the unveiling of the world's
largest chocolate bunny.
Well, Becky we really
have no choice.
"Wake Up San Francisco" has
a certain reputation to uphold.
You're right.
- Bunny.
- Highway.
Danny, the new highway
is-is an engineering miracle.
How can you compare that to
an oversized chocolate rodent?
Look, they promised
they'd give us the ears!
'D.J...'
...Becky and I
need some help.
We-we can't decide what
to do on Friday's show.
Why don't you do it
about a high school junior
who flunks her SATs and ends up
as a pathetic drain on society?
Too late, Deej.
My brother Garth
already sold
his life story
to hard copy.
- See ya.
- Bye.
Hey, guys,
guess what?
I gotta get back to work.
But this is really important.
My French teacher says
I have an ear for languages.
Can you say something
in French?
La fromage
est sur le nez.
Oh, what does
that mean?
There's cheese on my nose.
Hey, everybody,
time for dinner.
Yeah, I think
you'll like it.
It's just something
I whipped up
with the aid of a little
meat loaf helper.
That would be me.
Well, thanks, guys. But I'm
just gonna make some tea.
Don't you want
some dinner?
I'm so nervous
I can't even chew.
'Guys, wait a second.'
Come back in here
and close the door.
'Just wanna talk to you.'
I'm really worried
about DJ
and her taking
this test tomorrow.
Yeah, I've never seen her
this nervous.
Yeah, that's what
I'm worried about.
I remember, in school I had
a really important track meet..
...I just got
totally over anxious.
What happened?
Ran the fastest sprint
of my career.
What's wrong
with that?
It was the high jump.
Ran right into the bar.
I just think, you know,
I think DJ will do
a lot better
on this test tomorrow
if we just downplay
the whole thing, you know?
So if it comes up at all,
just say
"Hey, it's no big deal.
It's just a test."
Repeat after me.
We'll all try. Ready?
It's no big deal.
It's just a test.
(together)
It's no big deal.
It's just a test.
I think she'll buy that. I do.
D.J., hold on. Why not-why don't
you sit down and eat with us?
No, dad, really.
I can't.
Oh, come on, Deej.
I made your favorite.
Meat loaf and potatoes.
I'm really losing it.
That potato
looks like Joe Pesci.
[imitating Joe Pesci]
See, huh?
See, I told you, you
smart alec, wax-bean head.
Guys, really, I'm never
gonna get into Stanford
if I don't go study.
Sweetheart,
it's no big deal, it's..
(together)
It's just a test.
What, did you guys
rehearse that?
(together)
Oh, no, not at all.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hi!
- How you doing?
- Hi, Deej.
Hey, Deej, listen, I just read
this article that said
if you listen to Mozart,
it can raise your IQ
by like-like ten points.
Steve, she doesn't
need any CDs.
Look, it's no big deal.
- It's--
- It's just a test.
Actually I was gonna say,
it's simply an examination but..
[doorbell ringing]
I'll get it.
[doorbell ringing]
Yes, can I help you?
There he is!
That's the beast that's been
barking at my Anastasia.
Look, D.J., I swear, I don't
even know an Anastasia.
I don't know what
she's talking about.
Not you.
I'm talking about
that...that devil dog!
Every time we walk
by your yard, he barks.
Scared my little girl
half to death.
I'm sorry, but you
must be mistaken.
Comet is the kindest, gentlest,
most harmless dog in the world.
I am telling you
that dog's barking
is ruining
the neighborhood.
Look, lady, nobody
in this family barks!
Well, now we see
where he gets it.
Uh, Deej, you gotta
calm down.
Well, this test
is driving me crazy!
I know, look, I know
it's a lot of pressure
on you, but don't worry
about it.
I mean, hey,
I'll still love you
even if the only thing
you get right's your name.
Maybe I should write it
on my hand, just in case.
[whistling]
Michelle,
what are you doing?
Safety violation!
What-what happened?
What did I do?
Sleeping too close
to a pencil.
You can poke an eye out.
Michelle, I have a test
tomorrow morning!
It is tomorrow morning.
It's five to eight?
Oh, no! I overslept!
I'm gonna be late
for my test!
And now you've heard all
of the instructions and changes.
Oh, it's you!
The one with the mad dog.
You're giving the test?
Life's funny, isn't it?
What are these changes?
If you had been here on time
you would have heard them.
You know, your entire future
rests with this.
It's not just a test.
Tell me about it.
I just did. Now sit down.
Nice slippers, Deej.
Oh, my God!
I can't believe I overslept!
Kimmy, what are the changes?
You may now take out
your number four pencils.
Number four pencils?
I thought we were supposed
to use number two pencils.
Wake up and smell the changes.
To begin, uh, everyone write
your names on the answer sheet.
[smash]
Alright, everybody. We will
begin with the math section.
You may take out
your calculators and begin.
[sighs]
Hey, my calculator's gone!
I must have dropped
it somewhere!
Uh, excuse me!
We are in the middle
of a test.
Uh, this is an emergency.
Uh, D.J., you dropped
your calculator on the stairs.
Oh, great! You brought it?
I stepped on it.
But I brought this.
[thud]
And the addition key,
it doesn't work.
Leave this classroom,
immediately.
Oh, I've got something
for you, too. Look.
Potato for the teacher.
Looks kinda like
Joe Pesci, doesn't it?
[imitating Joe Pesci]
Okay, okay.
'Okay, okay.'
Joe Pesci is..
...somewhat taller.
Now get out.
Boy, what got into you? Somebody
drop a house on your sister?
[laughs]
[imitating cowardly lion]
R-r-r-ruff! R-r-r-ruff!
Ha-ha ha-ha!
Hey, lady, uh..
Do what you want with me,
but don't hurt the children.
But...please, do what
you want with me.
Uh, now listen, my-my niece
ran out of the house
without eating breakfast, so I
I brought her this,
uh, breakfast burrito.
No. We can't have food here.
You have to--
You don't understand,
I gotta give her
this breakfast burrito, lady.
I mean, this is my niece.
You know, I was there
the day she was born.
And believe me, she was
a beautiful, beautiful baby.
I mean, I remember rocking
her in my arms
and she's looking up at me
with those big beautiful eyes.
And so I beg of you
by all that's good
and all that is perfect
in this world--
Uncle Jesse, really,
I'm not that hungry.
Pipe down. I'm on a roll.
If I could just--
Fine, give her the burrito.
Thank you.
Here you go, Deej.
Tch tch.
Where is that
attractive hoodlum?
[Jesse over radio]
'Tch tch tch. Testing.
1-2-3. Testing.'
'D.J., can you hear me?'
'It's me.'
'Listen, I got
the answer book'
'and I'm going to help you.'
'The answer
to number one is...B.'
I heard that. Close your
booklet. You're outta here.
I-I had nothing
to do with it!
I don't even like
breakfast burritos!
I'm more of a waffle person.
Not you! I heard
a man's voice.
You!
[squeaking]
I don't have a man's voice.
Cheater!
You're history!
Oh, my mother's
gonna kill me!
Too bad. You can forget
about college, squeaky.
(Jesse)
'The answer
to number two is..'
'...D.'
(Joey)
'Jess, you're cheating.'
'I knew it, it starts with
a stolen stamp'
'and it comes to this.'
(Jesse)
'Look, you-you idiot,
I-I'm not cheating'
'I'm-I'm
giving her hints.'
'D.J., hint on
number three..'
'...A'
(Joey)
'Now, that's cheating.'
(Jesse)
'It-it's hinting.'
- 'Cheating.'
- 'Hinting.'
- 'Cheating.'
- 'Hinting.'
- 'Cheating.'
- 'Hinting.'
[muffled]
'Well, cheating.'
[muffled]
'Hinting.'
- 'Cheating.'
- 'Hinting.'
- 'Cheating.'
Alright, everybody,
pen..
Pencils down.
Math section is over. We will
now start with section two.
Speed Latin.
Speed Latin?
I don't even know
slow Latin!
What is it now?
Bonjour!
I am Pierre
from ze maintenance.
I heard zere was, uh, trouble
with a wobbly chair.
Zere it eez!
I'll have it fixed before
you can say Chevrolet coupe.
Steph, what are you
doing here?
I'm here to help you.
I've got an ear for languages.
How's your Speed Latin?
Su carnivorus mortus.
- What does that mean?
- You're dead meat.
Okey-doke.
There you go.
Oh, that's much better.
Au revoir.
Dad?
Tch. Pierre.
"W-a-a-ake Up
San Francisco!"
- I'm Danny Tanner.
- I'm Rebecca Donaldson.
And I'm Gertrude Twitchel.
Dad, Aunt Becky,
what are you doing here?
Oh, sweetheart,
we're doing
a little cover story
on your SATs.
Live, up close,
and personal.
Don't, dad,
it's just a test!
Hee-hee.
Yeah, right.
So, D.J.,
how is it going?
Well, it's terrible.
It's a disaster!
Ooh, this could be
humiliating.
Let's watch!
Pencils down,
everyone. Time's up.
Time's up?
I haven't even started!
Stop bellyaching.
It's time to grade the tests.
Well, here? Now?
Yes, that's right,
and here to help us
is the queen of consonants,
the vixen of vowels
the very beautiful
and talented
Vanna White!
[all applauding]
["Wheel Of Fortune"
theme music]
[all applauding]
Miss White,
this is an honor.
There's something I've always
wanted to ask you.
Do you get paid
by the letter?
You know, when they buy a vowel,
that money goes to me.
Even the "y"?
Sometimes.
Okay, Kimmy, it's time
to grade that paper.
[all applauding]
[machine beeping]
(Danny)
'A perfect score!'
Alright, Vanna, let's see what
Kimmy's future holds for her.
[instrumental music]
(all)
'"S-T-A'
"N-F
'O-R-D!"'
- "Stanford!"
[all applauding]
Congratulations, Kimmy,
you've won
a full scholarship
to Stanford University!
[all cheering]
Is that ironic or what?
Well, now it's time to grade
D.J.'s paper.
I can't wait to see
what she got.
No! Really,
I don't want to!
Yes, you do.
Come on in, everybody.
It's time to grade
D.J.'s paper!
[all applauding]
(Danny)
'Is everybody ready
for the proudest moment'
of their lives?
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
No, dad! Uh-uh stop.
I-I can't believe
this is happening!
Uncle Jesse,
help me!
Oh, sure, Deej.
Listen, I'm there for..
By God, Vanna White.
Hi, Vanna.
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
Let me just say I'm-I'm
a huge fan of your work.
In fact, your hair is the reason
why I got a large-screen TV.
Thank you.
If my hair's made
a difference
in one person's life,
it's all been worth it.
[whispering]
Vanna White!
Well, thanks, well,
let me just say
that you're
a national treasure.
Yeah, I know.
Alright, Deej.
Now it's time for the moment
you've been waiting
for your entire life.
[machine beeping]
(all)
'Oh!'
Oh, that's a shame, Deej.
You got every one wrong.
Ha! You're a disgrace
to the entire family.
'Let's see what's left
of your future, honey.'
(all)
"C-L-O
W-N.."
'...blank'
'"U"'
'blank.'
"Clown U."
Well, D.J., it looks like you're
going to Clown University.
(all)
'Oh!'
Hey, Deej.
Here you go.
That's a good look
for you.
[honk]
Hey, Comet, how'd you
like to have D.J.'s room?
Oh, boy!
Thanks, dad.
Steve, you still love me,
don't you?
Oh, of course I do, D.J..
Oh, come on, so what if you
screwed up the test?
At least you spelled
your name right.
Oh, not even close.
What?
I wrote D.J. Tanner.
Abbreviations are
strictly forbidden.
You missed your own name?
[whistles]
Stupid violation. Duh!
Shame, shame, D.J..
(all)
Shame, shame, D.J..
Oh, Steven, guess who got
a perfect score
and their name right.
Ohh, I love a girl
with brains!
No, no! Get off, get your hands
off of him!
No! No! Get your hands
off of him!
- Get away from him!
- Let's go, D.J..
No! No! No!
No, no!
- 'Let's go, D.J..'
- No! No.
- Let's go, D.J..
- No.
Yes, yes, yes. You don't wanna
be late for your test, honey.
Dad!
It was horrible..
[sighs]
Oh! There-there were
all kinds of changes!
I had the wrong pencils!
The burrito talked..
I hope this was a dream.
It was a nightmare.
Dad, you wouldn't believe it
I-I failed my SAT
and Kimmy got a perfect score!
You're right,
I wouldn't believe it.
Come on, honey.
We really have to go.
Dad, I can't.
I can't face this test.
Can you write me a note
to get me out of college?
D.J..
sweetheart, you really
have to get going.
It's a very important
day for you.
But you said it was no big deal,
it was just a test.
Yeah, I-I know I said that.
I, uh..
I guess, I just
didn't mean it.
Well, then why did you say it?
Because I didn't want
you to be nervous.
But that was making me
more nervous.
Okay, so I guess
it didn't work, then.
No, not really.
I'm sorry, Deej, I..
I was just trying
to protect you.
I remember in high school when
I took my SATs, I was a wreck.
I did the first 12 questions
with an eraser.
So how did you do?
Not bad, once I turned
my pencil around.
So I guess I just
gotta face it, huh?
Honey, you've done
everything you could do.
You're prepared.
You studied really hard.
Everybody
believes in you.
I think what you have to do now
is just, you know
believe in yourself
and do the best you can do.
Thanks, dad.
[footsteps approaching]
This isn't happening.
Good morning.
My name is Mrs. Moffatt.
And I'll be administering
this test.
To begin, write your name
on your answer sheet.
I'm drawing a blank.
Excuse me, are number two
pencils okay?
I'm sorry.
We're using number fours.
What?
I'm kidding!
Relax. It's just a test.
[instrumental music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
[instrumental music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪