Go ahead, boys,
eat your breakfast.
It's just how you like it,
within reach.
My bread is broken.
No, Nicky, it's not broken.
It's a bagel.
If it didn't have a hole,
it'd be a hokey puck.
It's broken, look.
Aunt Becky, we've got
a bagel situation here.
I know how to handle this.
Boys, let mama see those bagels.
Thank you. Thank you. Alright.
'One for you..'
'...and one for you.'
There you go.
All fixed. What do you think?
Okey-dokey.
Okey-dokey-dokey.
There you go. There you go.
Very creative.
Oh, bagels are easy.
Cheerios are hard.
[theme music]
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability? ♪
♪ The milk man the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Aah ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there
and you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪♪
♪ Do-be-do-ba-ba-da ♪
Dad, come on,
all I'm asking is for you
to extend my curfew
by half an hour.
A measly 30 minutes.
One "Mama's Family" rerun.
Steph, last month I extended
your curfew by "Baywatch."
What's next, "Lonesome Dove?"
Steph, give it up. Dad's a rock.
Okay, you win for now.
But don't forget,
I'm younger, I'm stronger
and I know where you live.
- See you later.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
- Hi, Stephanie.
- Hi, Mr. Tanner.
- Hey, Denise.
Michelle, Denise is here.
I know, I saw her coming.
Here's your lunch, Michelle.
All your favorites, okay?
Tuna on date-nut bread
a crisp red apple,
and a homemade cupcake.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
- What you got?
- I haven't looked yet.
But the smell's oniony.
Trade you.
Okay.
Denise, I, uh, hope you enjoy
the "Love, dad" icing
on the cupcake.
[chuckles]
I always do.
Girls, remember, by the way..
...today is
parent volunteer day.
So I'll see you guys
in just a little bit, okay?
- Okay, bye, Mr. Tanner.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
Parent volunteer, huh?
I hope
you're not gonna teach them
what you taught us
in the fifth grade
"Mildew is a big 'mil-don't."
I thought I taught you guys
a very valuable lesson.
Yeah, to stay home
on parent volunteer day.
Alright, class, let's say hello
to our parent volunteer
Mr. Tanner, Michelle's dad.
(in unison)
Hi, Michelle's dad.
Hi, Michelle's class.
Excuse me,
is this Miss Barnes' class?
Teddy. Teddy's here.
You came to the right place,
come on in.
I see some of you
remember Teddy?
I do. He used to live here
but then he moved to Texas.
Howdy. That's how
they say "hi" in Texas.
Ooh, ooh. Miss Barnes,
could Teddy sit here?
Well, if that's okay
with Teddy.
You bet, partner.
I've got to stop talking Texas.
Okay, let's settle down now
and pay attention to Mr. Tanner.
Thank you, Miss Barnes.
Okay this a little project
that I thought of
that I know you guys
are all gonna love.
A-and I don't mean recess.
[laughing]
Okay, tough classroom.
Alright, what I want
you guys to do is
trace a life-size drawing
of your best friend.
Just like I did.
This is my best friend, Joey.
That's how he looks
before breakfast.
He's not a morning person.
No, that-that's true.
What I want you guys to do
is I want you to
trace your best friend, okay?
Color it in and then
tell us all a story
about why that person
is your best friend.
Okay, we've got paper
and supplies for all of you.
I got back just in time,
you could trace me.
Hey, I'm her best friend,
she's tracin' me.
Michelle, you've gotta pick
one of us.
That's not a pelican,
he just has a big mouth.
[laughing]
Uh, Jess, I'm sorry we're late.
I had to pick up
Roxy at the airport.
Oh, airport pick up.
This relationship's getting
serious, huh?
Oh, we'd have been here sooner
but I couldn't get Joey
off the moving sidewalk.
Hey, it's fun going
the wrong way.
[laughing]
So, Roxy, I was reading
that you, uh
you have a gig
in town this weekend.
Yeah.
Why don't you come on the show
and plug it.
Hey, that's great
as long as you guys don't mind.
Oh, it's fine with us,
but, uh..
Roxy, let me give you
a little word of warning.
Better, uh,
fasten your seatbelt
because when Joey
and I get going..
...things get moving
pretty fast around here.
You know. huh, Joe, huh?
Yeah, don't worry,
once the zingers start flying
I'll shield you
with my body, huh?
- Huh? Huh?
- Yeah?
- Huh?
- Yeah.
- You see how we..
- Right off to top of our--
It's, uh, it's dangerous.
Alright, um.
Sit down here.
Give her a seat.
Here you go.
Okay, Roxy...now brace yourself
...because we're on
in three, two, one.
(Man on speaker)
'Rush-Hour Renegades.'
'Coming at you.'
Alright, San Francisco,
we're the Rush-Hour Renegades.
Jesse and Joey,
comin' at you live.
We are the double R
with H in the middle.
and the big hand is on the four
little hand's on my thigh.
- Joey, what are you doing?
- Whoa, sorry, Jess.
We're a little cramped in here
today because we have
a very special guest,
Roxy Martin.
She's a stand-up comic,
she's cute, she's funny
and she just happens
to be my girlfriend.
Well, two out
of three ain't bad.
Hi, San Francisco,
hope you'll come
and see me at the Giggle Garage
this weekend.
I'll be there
giggling every night
except Friday,
that's my hockey night.
Oh, Roxy, you like hockey,
don't you?
Well, I do prefer something
a little less bloody.
Like open heart surgery.
That's true,
and I knew this doctor--
(Joey)
'I know exactly
what you're saying.'
I had a game last week,
I lost four teeth.
And that was during
the national anthem.
[laughing]
Speaking of the national anthem,
Roseanne Barr sang--
(Roxy)
'Oh man. It's really amazing,
you know.'
What other profession
lets you fight on the job?
Oh, I know exactly
what you are saying.
When was the last time you saw
two accountants dooking it out
because someone
forgot to carry the four?
You know, th-there's fighting
in other sports too.
Hey, guys-guys, there's fighting
in other sports too, you know
like, um..
...uh..
...boxing.
Oh, my dad was a boxer,
but, well, he wasn't very good.
You know, he fought
under the name
"Kid Hit Me And I'll Fall."
[laughing]
Yeah, I think I read about him.
Never made it to the ring.
Got punched out
by the peanut vendor.
[laughing]
Oh, boy, and on that note
it's time to check in
with Jesse in traffic, Jess?
It's rush hour, you're stuck.
Come on, Michelle,
we gotta do the project.
(Denise)
'Who you gonna trace?'
Okay, okay. Let's see.
Teddy was my old best friend.
That's right. Trace away.
But Denise is my
new best friend.
And "new" means "now"
so move it, Tex.
No, uh, old means first
new means second.
I'm in, you're out. Excuse me.
(Michelle)
'Guys, guys.'
I like you both.
How do I decide?
I'll give you my bolo tie
that I got in Texas.
This is neat.
Well, uh. you could
have my scrunchie.
- Cool.
- Oh, yeah?
I got Snickles.
I like Snickles.
There's only one left.
Green?
I don't know.
Red's my favorite.
Denise, do you have
anything better?
All I have is my
Princess Jasmine pencil case.
That will go great
with my Abu eraser.
Who said you could have this?
Well, don't you wanna
be my best friend?
Not if you take all my stuff.
If Teddy wants
to give you all his stuff..
...good for him.
I don't want to.
I love that tie.
And it looks really good
on you too.
You think so?
Give me back my tie.
And I want my scrunchie back.
Snickle.
Wait a minute, now who's
gonna be my best friend?
- Not me.
You know, I like green Snickles.
I'm your man.
How did that happen?
[Comet whines]
Which bring us
to point number 57--
Steph, exactly
how many points are there?
As many as it takes
to get you to extend my curfew.
Now, the maturity factor.
I have here a signed affidavit
from a cashier at Sizzler
who called me "ma'am."
- Dad?
- Not now, Michelle.
He's starting to weaken.
I'm sorry, Steph, no sale
your curfew remains the same.
Ugh, thanks a lot, Michelle.
It's not her fault.
I know, but if I get mad at you
my curfew will be before hers.
Hey, honey, what's up?
I can't do
my best friend project.
Why not?
Because I don't have
a best friend.
That was a key element.
What happened?
Well, everything
would have been fine
if Teddy had red Snickles.
Well, what do red Snickles
have to do with it?
More importantly,
what-what exactly is a Snickle?
I tried to be fair to pick
the best friend
with the best stuff.
Teddy gave me his tie
and Denise gave me
her scrunchie.
Is-is a scrunchie
like a Snickle?
Dad, stay with me.
I'm trying to, Michelle.
I'm trying to get
a handle on this.
But it-it sounds to me
like you were making
people give you
weird sounding stuff
to try to get them
to be your best friend.
I didn't make them.
They wanted to.
Then they got mad at me.
Well, maybe you should apologize
to Teddy and Denise.
I can't believe
you are on their side.
It's not that
I'm not on their side, honey.
It's-it sounds to me
like you are trying
to take advantage
of the situation.
And I think maybe
you should say you're sorry.
Do I have to?
No. I'm not gonna
force you apologize.
I think you're old enough
to decide for yourself.
Good, I decide not to.
Should have seen that coming.
...says "That's not a hat,
it's a bad haircut."
- Hi, Steph.
- Hey, Joey.
Roxy, you and Joey were
hysterical on the radio today.
(Roxy)
'Thanks.'
You know, Uncle Jesse
you should have been there.
I was there.
Don't you listen
to the traffic reports?
I'm sorry, Jesse.
I guess we did monopolize
time today.
Yeah, once we got rolling,
we kind of got carried away.
Hope you didn't mind.
Oh, come on, me mind?
Please, guys,
you think I'm so insecure
that I'd be sitting
there looking at my watch
while you guys talk
for an hour and 48 minutes?
Look, bottom line
is...it was good radio.
Well, that's great,
because, you know
with so many phone calls
that we got
people loving it so much
I was thinking maybe Roxy could
join us again tomorrow.
If that's okay with you?
Yeah, fine.
Oh, sure it's okay.
You know, in fact, you know,
it's better thank okay
it's-it's A-Okay.
Okay, A.
[laughing]
Let's go write some bits
for tomorrow.
'Oh, yeah, okay.
You, kids, have fun, now.'
Don't bother to include me.
Oh, hey, shorty.
- How you feeling?
- I've been better.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Have a berry.
What do you do when
your friends leave you out?
Traffic reports.
- Huh?
- Oh, no, I'm just kidding.
Listen, if you're friends
are leaving you out
and they're not treating you
right, I say, uh
you know, make new friends.
Hi, honey. Hi, Michelle.
- Hi, hon.
- Hi.
Where do you get a best friend?
Well, I married mine.
[chuckles]
Great, I'm not even dating yet.
Hey, hey, the berries, the be--
- Great show today, honey.
- Eh.
Joey and Roxy were hilarious.
Well, they weren't hila..
like "hi-larious" hilarious.
Beck, you know what?
I just got a great idea.
Why don't you come
on the show tomorrow?
- Why?
- It'll be fun.
We'll have a few laughs,
you'll plug
"Wake Up, San Francisco."
Bottom line is,
it'll be good radio.
Well, is it okay with Joey?
Yeah, yeah, it's more than okay,
it's A-Okay.
Alright, now, I've got
all my stuff back from you
and you got your stuff back
from me.
We just have one more piece
of unfinished business.
Now, you promised
to watch "Fists of Fury."
I don't have to watch it now.
We broke up.
We made this deal
when we were going together.
[chuckles]
Oh, great.
So I watched "Steel Magnolias"
for nothing, huh?
D.J., can I trace you
for my school project?
I thought you're supposed
to trace your best friend.
Well, I called
everybody in my class
but all the best friends
were taken.
So I decided
to ask my best sister.
Well, that's sweet.
And when Stephanie said no..
...I decided that
you were my last chance.
So I'm your second best sister?
No.
But I saw
Stephanie first and I-I..
...blew it, didn't I?
Hey, squirt, I'll help you out.
- You will?
- Sure.
Here's the door.
(man on radio)
'Rush-Hour Renegades.'
'Coming at you.'
Alright. Hello, San Francisco.
- I'm Jesse.
- I'm Joey.
And we are the Rush-Hour
Renegades.
Now, if you're stuck in traffic,
you set that cruise control
to five miles an hour, put your
feet up on the dashboard and..
[sqweaking]
...enjoy.
I'd just like to say
that we have
a special guest
joining us once again today
for the drive home, Roxy Martin.
Hi, everybody.
Yeah, well-well let's not forget
our extra special guest
my lovely and talented wife,
Rebecca Donaldson
of
"Wake Up, San Francisco" fame.
- Nice to be here.
- Good, honey. Good.
[giggles]
It's nice to have you both here.
Now, did I mention that Roxy
will be doing two shows..
...Friday and Saturday night
at the Giggle Garage?
And-and-and did I mention that,
uh, Becky's doing
one show on channel 6
on Monday, Tuesday
Wednesday, Thursday
and Friday mornings?
Uh, speaking of mornings..
...Roxy, you should see me by
dawn's early light.
It's pretty scary. For my own
protection, I shave in the dark.
[laughing]
That's why your
cheek's in a tourniquet.
Yeah, right, hey,
still speaking of morning..
...Beck, what was that funny
thing our kids did
yesterday, huh, tell 'em.
What funny thing?
Ah, the-the funny thing
the-the milk was coming out
of their nose.
The milk escapade.
T-talk about that.
Oh, no, no, no,
that-that wasn't yesterday
that was two weeks ago.
Who cares what day it is, honey
it was still funny, wasn't it?
Actually, it was disgusting.
And actually, it was Joey.
[laughing]
Good thing
I wasn't wearing a shirt.
[laughing]
Uh, speaking of shirts..
..how about those guys
who tuck their shirts
in their underwear?
Do they think
that's a good look?
[laughing]
Yeah, why not go all the way
and stick their pants
in their socks?
[laughing]
Back to us, back to us.
Um, Beck, uh, let's talk more
about our kids, huh?
Who's speaking about our kids?
We were, we were talking
about our kids.
and all the-all the funny things
they do
They say the darnedest things,
don't they?
Well, they do say
the darndest things
but I thought
we were talking about tucking.
They were talking about tucking
we were-we were talking
about our kids..
...and all the funny,
uh, junk they do.
I thought we were all
on the same show.
You know, it's so hard
to tell sometimes.
Uh, we'll be right back
after this brief message
from the Troll King Smorgasbord.
Located at under
a bridge near you.
[drum music]
Jess, I don't work
for the Psychic Network
but I'm sensing a little
competition going on here.
There's no competition
going, I'd-I'd just, you know
would like to be included
in my own show, that's all.
Well, I asked you before
if you're feeling left out.
Well, I'm not feeling left out.
- Well, what are you feeling?
- I'm feeling not in.
It's my fault. It's your show
and I'm just intruding.
No, Roxy, it's-it's my fault.
I should have been
more sensitive to my partner.
No, actually, it's his fault.
Yeah, actually it's..
My fault? Why?
Yes. Well, Joey asked you
if there was anything wrong
why weren't you honest
about your feelings?
Because I'm not a cry-baby,
you know, I'm not gonna go
"Oh, I'm so sorry,
I feel left out."
- Not in public anyway.
- Mm-hm.
I see, a real man
doesn't express his feelings.
Oh, I'm not gonna sit
around and tell everybody
that I-I feel like
I'm being rejected and ignored.
I mean, then everyone go, "Aw"
and hug me and everything.
You feel rejected and ignored?
(in unison)
Aw.
See, see.
I told you, I told you.
Oh, honey, come on,
is it so terrible
to have your friends care
about your feelings?
Ah.. Actually, no.
You know, I mean,
to be honest with you..
...it was kinda nice.
(in unison)
Aw!
Not that nice. Not that nice.
Alright, class,
let's show Mr. Tanner
how our projects turned out.
Who wants to go first?
How about you, Teddy?
Okay, I'll give you a hand.
Great.
This is my
new best friend, Denise.
I like her because
she laughs at all my jokes..
...even when they're not funny.
[laughing]
- That wasn't funny.
- It was to me.
See?
And Teddy would
be my best friend
even if he didn't have Snickles.
Which he always does.
Thank you, Denise,
that was very good.
A bit vindictive, but-but good.
Maybe later you'll explain me
what a Snickle is?
Okay, Michelle, sweetie,
would you like to go next?
- I guess so.
- 'Good. Come on up, honey.'
- Okay, I'll give you a hand.
- It goes this way.
Oh, it goes this way. Okay?
[children laughing]
This...is my best friend.
His name is Comet.
You can't have
a dog best friend.
- Why not?
- He has too many legs.
Well, I would have
had people friends
but you guys left me.
'Cause you wanted
my pencil case.
Yeah, greedy, greedy.
Well, I was trying to be fair,
friend leavers.
Dog tracer.
Teddy, Michelle, Denise,
that's enough.
Yeah, that's right.
Kids, you know what?
I-I think you're missing
the whole spirit
of project "best friend."
Now, you guys all
like each other.
There's no reason why
you can't all be best friends.
But I thought you could
only have one best friend?
No, that's not true.
Joey used to be my
old best friend
and now Jesse's my
new best friend.
Now-now we're all
three best friends.
We're kind of like
"The Three Musketeers."
Except without, you know,
the-the swords
and the-and the funny hats
and-and the tights.
Except on dress-up day.
[chuckles]
I'm kidding.
Are you saying that three people
can be best friends?
Yeah, if you wanna be.
Sure, best friends are people
who like to share things
and they-and they care
about each other.
And they just like
spending fun time together.
Like on dress-up day?
I was kidding.
Okay, let's vote.
Who wants to be best friends?
[cheering]
Okay, best friends again.
And we don't have to give
each other anything.
Unless we want to.
[chuckles]
I got Snickles.
- Do you have red?
- I like green.
Uh, let's put those away
until after school.
Well, Miss Barnes, first can
I take one quick look at them?
What are these Snickles?
Let me see. Wow.
Sugar, sugar, sugar..
♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪
♪ Do-be-do-ba-ba-da ♪