Alright, boys.
All done. Here.
It's time to...slide
your little tushies off.
Ready? Go, buddy.
Watch me, daddy.
Okay, play.
Yay! Excellent job.
High-five, brother.
- Alright.
- Watch me, daddy.
Okay! Excellent job.
High-five, brother.
Brother. Alright.
Hey, Jess, uh, how come
the outdoor play set
isn't, oh, I don't know..
Outdoors?
Don't ask me. Ask Danny.
He banned us from the backyard.
Oh, that's right.
He's reseeding the grass.
Honey, please.
Could you not use the word
"Recede" around you know who?
Well, Jesse, it's gonna
take three weeks
for the grass to grow in.
I know, honey, but I promised
the kids I'd build this for 'em.
When I make a promise
to my children
I don't break it.
God knows I tried, though.
[sighs]
They begged, they pleaded..
...they gave me the, uh, lip.
Well, this is great.
This is gonna be like living in
a playground for three weeks.
Don't blame me. Blame Danny.
In fact, you know, that sounds
like an excellent idea.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go blame Danny.
Uh, Jess, you can't
blame Danny.
- Why not?
- You can't leave.
'Why?'
Danny's waxing
the hallway floor.
We're gonna be stuck in here
for about an hour.
Oh, great. I'm a prisoner
in my own attic.
Daddy, you slide.
Well, son, daddy's not really
in the mood to slide.
(Jesse)
'There it is.
There it is.'
The lip again.
I'm a sucker for the lip.
Alright, come on. I'll give you
guys a ride on the slide.
You go with me.
Hang on, brother.
Alright. Here we go.
Ready? Set.
Go!
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman
the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody
who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're
lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Come on, Joey, you've been in
there almost an hour.
Almost an hour.
I reserved the bathroom
for exactly an hour.
Oh, Joey, come on.
I have a date tonight.
Hey, I followed
all the rules.
I filled out
all the forms.
I even sent out a memo.
[Joey singing opera]
(D.J.)
'Joey, come on!'
Joey!
Hey, did you know Joey
reserved the bathroom
for a whole hour?
Gotta read those memos.
[harmonica music]
Oh, no. Harmonica Girl lives.
Michelle, give me a break.
It's been three days.
I have to practice
"Down In The Valley."
Why don't you practice
down in the basement?
I have to study.
In case you're wondering
why my name is on the wall
it's because it's my room, too.
Come on.
Dad, you gotta help me.
Joey's never coming out.
D.J., he can't stay
in there forever.
He's gotta eat sometime.
Thanks, dude.
Joey! Joey!
When you're finished,
there better not be
a pepperoni ring
around the tub.
Give it back,
harmonica-stealer.
No way, music-murderer.
- No! Dad.
- Help!
Stop fighting.
Dad does not want to hear
your petty problems.
Dad, I'm not gonna have
enough time to dry my hair.
Joey's been in there
forever.
Guys! Guys! Guys! Hey! Hey!
I can only handle
one problem at a time, okay.
Now, cover me. I'm going in.
Get back.
Oh, this is
a pretty picture.
You know, I-I love Italian food
in the bathroom
as much as the next guy, but..
Don't you think
you've been here long enough?
Danny...I share a bathroom
with three girls.
There's always someone
in here blow-drying
moisturizing, tweezing.
All I'm asking for
is an hour of peace and quiet
where I can gather
my thoughts.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Every man deserves a chance
to-to sit back and reflect
on the deeper meanings
of life.
Thank you, Danny.
Alright, tub hockey!
Here we go!
Sharks versus the ducks!
[blowing cavalry charge]
(Joey)
'Charge!'
Hey, Danny, I've been thinking.
You know, it's time you start
showin' a little consideration
for some of the other people
who live in this house.
Why don't we start with
knocking on the bathroom door
when a guy's in the tub?
Just eat your pizza,
bubble boy.
Now, you, I gotta talk to you
about a few things, you know..
Alright, first of all,
you close the backyard
You don't consult me...okay.
You wax the floor,
again you don't consult me.
You rearrange the cupboard,
you defrost the refrigerator
you-you scotch guard
my high school yearbook
again you don't consult me.
Do you see a pattern
going on here?
Yes. You complain a lot.
[doorbell rings]
That better not be
the falafel guy.
- Dad!
I mean, Danny..
[indistinct chatter]
I had to set up
a play set for my kids
in my own room.
Would everybody please chill?
There's somebody at the door.
There's nobody at the door!
This is ridiculous!
Okay, hold it! Hold it!
(Danny)
'Okay...after dinner tonight'
we'll have a family meeting
and everybody can just put
all their complaints
and lodge them formally.
Good. 'Cause let me tell you
a little somethin'.
I'm gonna lodge a large one.
Well, I'm squeaky clean.
[squeaking]
- Bathroom's free.
- I gotta go.
- Me first.
- No, me.
My garlic bread.
Oh, this house
has really changed.
You're not kidding. It never had
a strange man in it before.
Forgive me.
The name is Bond.
Lou Bond.
Your daughter let me in.
My daughters are all upstairs.
They're gonna hear me
if I scream.
Hey, stretch.
Your downstairs daughter.
You're running low
on the moo juice, pops.
I'm running low
on patience, Gibbs.
Ew! This stuff's gone chunky.
And it's yours
as a lovely parting gift.
Kimmy Gibbler, go on home!
Wait a minute.
Lou Bond..
...of the Bond Foundation?
Bond Plaza?
The Bond Trade Towers?
Uh. The Bond Trade Towers
was my father.
And this was our house
before daddy hit it big.
I lived here the first
12 years of my life.
Lots of marvelous memories.
Really?
Maybe you could explain to me
about the scuff mark
that was on the landing
when we moved in.
Okay, why don't
I show you around?
- Oh, alright.
- Right this way, please.
Alright, if he wants
to have a family meeting
I'll make a list
of complaints.
My first complaint..
...I hate family meetings.
Jess, give it a rest, huh?
Hey, uh, the boys are napping.
And you know what that means?
- Oh, yeah.
- We get to use the slide.
- No, honey. I wanna go first.
- I'm go first.
No, no! Let me go first!
No, you get back here
right now.
The ears. Ow. Ow. Ow.
'Ow. Ow. Ha. Ha. Ha.'
Guys...I hope we're not
interrupting anything weird.
No problem.
Uh, Jesse, Rebecca,
this is, uh, Lou.
Bond Lou.
I screwed that up, didn't I?
- How do you do, Lou?
- How do you do?
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Ah, uh, Mr. Bond actually
grew up in this house.
- Really.
- Oh, look.
They're still there
the initials I carved
in the beam
B. L. B.
Uh, Mr. Tanner, I'd, uh, like to
talk to you about something.
What do you say to cigars
on the back porch?
I'd say, "Hello, cigars
it's a lovely evening
we're having, isn't it."
Little cigar humor.
Kind of a joke.
Good one.
No, no, no!
[instrumental music]
Okay.
You all know, I called this
little family meeting
because we've all be getting
on each other's nerves.
Which is bound to happen
when so many nerves
live so close together.
What I'm about to say
might actually
solve everyone's problems.
We're sending Michelle
to harmonica camp?
We're sending you
to be-a-nicer-sister camp!
Girls, girls, girls, make up.
Okay, now that's taken care of.
On the more important matters.
Alright.
[clears throat]
"Lack of consideration..
"...on March 4, 1989,
Danny paints the banister
"without telling anyone.
"I slide down said banister
"on the way to a job interview
at which I am nicknamed
Skunk Pants."
Jess, I still have
the floor here.
Fine, if you gonna
have the floor
and you're gonna wax it,
tell us.
Okay. Alright.
Now, as you all know,
Mr. Bond
Lou Bond..
...is a very wealthy man.
Now, he has everything
he's ever wanted
his entire life
except for one thing.
To live here in the house
he grew up in.
Forget it. There's enough people
living here already.
He's sharing your bathroom.
[chuckles]
No, guys, he doesn't wanna
live here with us.
He wants to buy the house.
- He wants to buy our house?
- What?
Yes. Yes, and he's offering me
twice what it's worth.
- Wow!
- 'Are you serious?'
Yeah, which means we could buy
an even bigger house
in this exact same
neighborhood.
and then may-be we wouldn't
drive each other so crazy maybe.
- That's a great idea.
- Let's do that.
- I can have my own room.
- I can have my own bathroom.
I can have my own kitchen,
I can have my own living room
I can have my own backyard.
Honey, it's called the house.
That's what I'm saying, I mean..
You know, we've been
talking about
moving to our own
house someday.
Maybe-maybe that someday is now.
Well, the boys could use
some more growing space.
I mean, they're not getting
any shorter.
I'm definitely ready
to move into my own place.
After all, I'm a grown man.
Plus I need more
shelf space for my toys.
[laughs]
You know, what I think this is
the first family meeting
where we all actually
agree on something.
Well, that-that's it then.
I mean, we're-we're out of here.
We're moving.
- This is great.
- I can't believe it.
I'm gonna have
my own bathroom.
(D.J.)
'I don't have to share
with Joey anymore.'
Look, Jess, look at this house
on Linwood Street.
- It's got a big backyard..
- Huh.
- Central air..
- Hmm.
And a hot tub.
Ooh, a hot tub.
I love hot tubs.
Hey, hey, boys.
How would you like
to live in a house
with a hot tub?
What's a hot tub?
It's cool. I-I-it's like,
uh, it's like, uh
a really big bathtub.
No bath.
No way.
No, no, guys,
this tub is outside
and you don't
have to use soap.
Now you tell me.
Oh, hey, Michelle,
hot tub party
our new house,
be there.
You got a new house
already?
No we don't have it yet,
but we're just, uh
we're looking, I mean, it's kind
of fun to think about, huh?
Yeah. I can't stop
thinking about it.
Good.
- What do you got?
- Hey, Jess, look at this.
This house has central
blow-drying.
Let me see that.
Let me..
Where?
Gotcha.
So my mom says if you
buy a condo
from her real estate office
I get half the commission
plus one of those
really cool yellow jackets.
Hmm.
Oh, hey,
look at this one, huh?
Natural Meadows.
Yeah, yeah, I sold
one of those yesterday.
Wow, and look at all
these cool activities
lawn bowling
shuffleboard,
tether ball.
Oh, and look
how happy everyone is.
That's 'cause
they're all naked.
It's a nudist colony.
Oh, my God!
I better give Father O'Connell
his check back.
[harmonica music]
Thanks.
I was playing the blues.
I liked the part
when the spit shot out.
When I decorate my own room
I'm gonna put my bed
by my window
my dress above my door
and Michelle
down the hall.
Ha ha ha.
Michelle, when we move out
you're gonna have your own room.
If Stephanie comes in,
you can throw her out.
Can I practice now?
Later, dad said
we have to clean up
because tonight Mr. Bond's
coming for an inspection.
What's he inspecting for?
Well, he has to check
everything out
make sure everything's perfect
or else he won't buy the house.
You know, make sure
the foundation is straight
there are no leaks
and especially
that there's no infestation.
What's infestation?
You know...vermin.
Disgusting stuff
like termites, rats
silverfish, roaches.
- Eww!
- Exactly.
But don't worry.
Dad's devoted his life
to keeping vermin
out of the house.
Except Kimmy.
I don't wanna move.
I like the way
all live together.
Then you better
flunk that inspection.
How do we do that?
[inhales deeply]
We're your friends.
We'll help you.
We need a plan.
Let's put
our heads together.
- Ow.
Hello. I'd like
to order some vermin.
Ew!
Thanks anyways. Bye.
What did he say?
They don't sell them.
They only kill them.
We need another plan.
Okay..
But keep away from my head.
[doorbell rings]
Ahh.
Hello again, Mr. Tanner.
Ah, Mr. Bond, come on in.
My home is your home,
but not until the check clears.
Just feel free
to laugh any time.
Michelle, why didn't you go
to dinner with everybody else?
I wanted to stay
for the inspection.
Sweetheart, it's gonna be
kind of boring.
Maybe not.
Okay, you know what
why don't we just start
with the living room here?
Dad, did you mention
the leaky roof?
What are you talking
about, honey?
The roof is
in perfect condition.
You'll have to
excuse my daughter.
That's very odd.
I just felt some water
on my head.
Told ya. Leaky roof.
Michelle, we do not
have a leaky roof.
In fact, it's not even raining.
That's not even the roof.
Tell that to the guy
with the wet head.
And this would be
my daughter D.J's room.
I hope everything's
okay in there.
Whoa.
Michelle, what happened here?
Everything's slanted.
It must be the foundation.
See? Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!
I wouldn't wanna buy
a house this crooked.
Something's crooked here
and it's not the foundation.
Why, father,
whatever do you mean?
You guys better get over here.
You got a big infestation.
I can't wait.
Mr. Bond, I assure you
there has not now
nor has there ever been
a bug or rodent in this house.
Oh, it's worse than that.
[dogs panting]
You've got
a bad case of dogs.
Michelle, what are all those
dogs doing in your room?
A lot of..
[imitating dogs]
We're home.
Yeah. We brought you
a doggie bag!
[dogs barking]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Huh.
Must be Comet's poker night.
Wait up, dogs!
We should have gone
with the dead vermin's.
What's going on
around here?
Michelle, we need to talk
and expect the phrase
"Grounded for life"
to come up a lot.
Mr. Bond, I am so sorry.
Michelle, if you were
so upset about moving
why didn't you come
and talk to us about it?
You were all
going crazy.
Everybody was talking
about hot tubs
and telephones
in the bathroom.
Nobody cared that
we're not gonna be
living together anymore.
Sweetheart, we care.
We were just trying
to make things
a little better
around here.
It already is better.
It's the best house
I ever lived in.
Michelle, it's the only house
you ever lived in.
It's a great house.
Everything happened here.
Don't you guys remember?
Yeah. Sure we remember,
Michelle.
We-we-we all love this house.
Well, if you love this house
then why are we moving?
Aren't you gonna miss us?
There it is, the lip. The lip.
That's where Nicky
and Alex get it.
Well, that was
a Hallmark moment.
[clears throat]
But, now back to business,
Mr. Tanner.
What check would you prefer?
I have Giants
of American Industry
or kittens
in a cookie jar.
Hold on, sir.
You know what?
Michelle's right.
This house is more than just
walls and a ceiling.
It's our lives.
Yeah, I remember when we first
moved in here with mom.
And this place was so big.
It was like a castle.
You know, I remember
when I couldn't even
reach that counter.
Joey had to lift me up
to get to the cookie jar.
Hmm, well, I wasn't gonna
leave my fingerprints
on the lid,
that's for sure.
Danny, when I moved in
I-I thought
I'd be here for
a few months to help you
you know, help you raise
the girls and everything
I mean I had no idea
I'd be living here seven years
getting married in this house,
raising my own kids here.
It's the best move
I ever made.
Thanks for reminding me,
Michelle.
No problem.
Well, Jess, I guess that
hot tub will have to wait.
We don't have
a lot of room here
but we have a lot
of love, a lot of laughs
and a lot of babysitters.
Oh, yeah!
You heard him, Mr. Bond
we're not selling our house.
Are we, dad?
Danny?
No. Guys...don't worry.
We're not moving.
Mr. Bond, I think what everybody
here is trying to tell you is
there's no amount of money
that would break up this family.
Ha ha ha!
Now, that's funny.
Ha ha ha! Ah..
You're actually serious.
Hey, you guys gotta help me out.
Mom and I are having
this big argument.
Okay, now, which stinks more,
my sneakers or my clogs?
- Oh!
- Ecch! Oh!
You again.
Who are you?
[British accent]
The next door neighbor.
Sometimes things work out
for the best.
The sneakers.
Kimmy, guess what?
We're staying.
Alright.
But your shoes are leaving.
[dogs howling]
Well, that cleared the yard.
Comet, you live here.
We all live here.
[instrumental music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪♪