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(♪ TOM JONES: "Kiss")
♪ You don't have to be beautiful
♪ To turn me on
♪ I just need your body, baby
♪ From dusk till dawn
♪ You don't need experience
♪ To turn me out
♪ You just leave it all up to me
♪ I'll show you what it's all about
♪ You don't have to be rich to be my girl
♪ You don't have to be cool to rule my world
♪ Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
♪ I just want your extra time
♪ And your kiss
♪ You gotta not talk dirty, baby
♪ If you wanna impress me
♪ Ah-ah-ah
♪ You can't be too flirty, Mama
♪ I know how to undress me
♪ Let me be your fantasy
♪ And maybe you could be mine...
(Thunder rumbling, lightening bolting)
♪ You just leave it all up to me
♪ We could have a good time
♪ You don't have to be rich to be my girl
♪ You don't have to be cool to rule my world
♪ Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
♪ I just want your extra time
♪ And your kiss
♪ Think I'd better dance now ♪
- (Thunderclap) - Hey, love your umbrella. Hmm.
- Oh. - (Thunderclap)
- Uh-oh. - Dr. Mills. Dr. Budlong.
Morosini, Carvalho, come with me.
If he thinks he's going to ruin any more equipment
he's underestimated this facility.
(Humming "Kiss")
He thinks he's cute, doesn't he?
Yes, but I was Mother's favorite.
- Dr. Mills. Dr. Mills! - Uh-huh.
Dr. Mills, this is the last time I'll warn you.
I won't let the Klystron go above 300.
That's what you said the last time it rained, but you turned it up to 350.
Do you know what it costs to repair a Klystron tube?
I know, Dr. Budlong, I know. I'm very sorry.
But believe me, it's not gonna happen again.
You have my word on that and I promise.
Don't worry. He can't blow up your Klyman tube or whatever it is.
We've got a date tonight. Yeah! Happy hour at Mingles.
Mingles. You know what that means?
What?
It means complimentary hors d'oeuvres.
A veritable who's who of secretaries and beauticians.
It means 20th-century music.
You look like a sensible man.
Do you believe that there's life on other planets?
I don't believe there's life in this room.
Exactly.
But your brother wants to send a radar signal
to a point in space so far away,
it would take 92 years to get there and 92 years to get back.
Ninety-two years? Steve, we're late now.
Indeed. There isn't anything out there, Dr. Mills.
We're it.
Now don't you go above 300 or I'm... I'm revoking your funding.
(Thunderclap)
Now that Dr. Strangelove is gone, let's go. Mingles is at high party.
I can't tonight, Ron.
(Thunderclap continues)
It's raining. Tonight I've got another destination in mind.
I wanna go right there.
Hey, Clouds of Magellan. It sounds like some kind of woman's underwear.
Er... no, Ron. The Clouds of Magellan is the name of our neighboring galaxy.
So you wanna send a radar signal to the next galaxy?
Well, no. You can't get radar to the next galaxy.
I mean, you'd have to travel faster than the speed of light to do that.
No one can do that.
Look, don't bother watching that. That's not gonna change.
- This is the one to watch, all right? - Oh, I like the Clouds of Magellan.
Well, we can't get there, Ron.
But if we increase the power of the Klystron using lightning,
we may get a signal strong enough to get out of the solar system.
- At least, that's the theory, anyway. - Oh. Oh, yeah. Right.
Yeah. Thanks, yeah. Tell me something I don't know.
Oh, can't this wait?
Secretaries are like animals when it comes to free food.
The reflectors line up for ten days only once every 19 months.
And now, with all this rain, we've got lightning, it's perfect.
- Perfect for men like us. - Ah-ha!
Christ! Steve, when was the last time you went out with a woman?
January of '86.
No. March of '86.
I took Dr. Elizabeth Conway to see the Halley's Comet retrospective.
- Superb. You see it? - Sure. A couple of times.
How can we be brothers? We don't have a single gene in common.
- Not above 300 kilowatts. - Hi. Hi. Yeah.
- No, no. I'm not waving at you. - OK. Thank you. Have fun.
We won't have time to sweep frequencies.
- We'll lower it below three centimeters. - But... below?
Oh! Hey, it's raining out here. I'm getting wet!
Oh, this jacket is a Ralph Lauren!
- (Thunderclap) - And it's smelly.
Oh, great. Just great.
I'm wet and smelly. They're gonna jump all over me.
- (Thunderclap) - Hey! Do you guys smell fish?
Oh! Oh, it's me!
(Lightning bolting)
Help me rotate the dish.
(Ron) Where's this lightning supposed to strike?
Right here.
Here?
Oh! Hey, that almost hit my shoe. Oh! Oh!
- Excuse me! - Whoa!
(Door buzzes)
All the way up.
(Clicking)
I hate this. What the hell is this thing?
Klystron tube.
Potential of 400 megawatts, at an oscillation of 60 gigahertz.
Oh, great. Well, why don't we take this to Mingles?
Science crap.
Stupid piece of garbage.
Now all we gotta do is harness the lightning.
(Clicking, whirring)
(Clicking)
Yes, it's good, it's good! Let's try for the lightning.
- Hey, is this important? - Only if it works.
OK, deep breath. Set your retractors.
(Ron) Look, how long is this gonna take?
Single women have very short attention spans.
All right. Prepare to initiate the system.
- Now! - Oh, oh! Jesus! Oh!
- (Steve) We got it! We got it! - (Grady) Look at it!
We got it. It's going, it's going! I love you!
(Laughing)
Whoa!
(Wind whistling)
(Crackling)
- (Alarm blaring) - (Screaming)
(Blaring continues)
What is happening?
Steve! What's happening?
Mills.
Mills!
What is happening?
The Klystron!
(Whirring)
Uh-oh.
- (Explosion) - Wow!
(Explosions)
Whoa!
(PA) A red condition in the second unit.
(Guard) Fire control! Fire control! The laboratory area.
(Alarm continues blaring)
I'm OK. I am OK.
Beautiful!
(Beeping)
What?
My God, I didn't only get out of the solar system,
I just went out of the galaxy.
That means we were traveling faster than the speed of light.
How the hell did we do that?
Hey, Dr. Budlong. I just... We just...
(Explosion, crackling)
Eleven seconds on the clock. Down by one.
Mills fakes left. Goes around Magic Johnson.
Puts Kareem in the popcorn machine and...
(Barks)
(Chuckles)
Why can't I dunk? Why can't I dunk?
Is that asking so much?
You got out of the galaxy and they fired you?
(Sighs) We were using lightning to boost the power of the Klystron.
But I shorted every telemetry tracker in the place and all my monitors.
- So there's no proof. - (Sighs)
That's not fair. What are we gonna do?
Well, I might just have to take a...
- (Coughs) - What?
Have to take a... ahem, teaching job.
You know how that is? One position for every 16 applicants.
I could double my babysitting.
Or take up a newspaper route.
Do girls do that now?
It's beautiful up there, huh, kid?
Mmm.
Two hundred billion stars in our galaxy. Wow.
That's really my office up there.
I wish Mom could have lived long enough to see you get out of the galaxy.
She'd be having the whole block in for champagne.
Hmm.
Think you'll ever find a new one like her again?
Oh, boy. Jess, I don't know.
I'm afraid the chances of me finding another woman like your mother
are about the same as me proving there's life on another planet up there.
I figure one in 16 billion.
All right, Larry Byrd, what's for dinner?
Fish sticks. Pop tarts. Frozen pizza.
Whatever else we can nuke in the microwave.
What do you say, Dave?
Can we see Sirius tonight?
You know, it's also called the Dog Star.
(Pants)
Come on.
(Celeste) Hm. It's quite a small planet, really.
(Bag) Half the size of ours, but very busy.
- (Celeste) Mastered you it yet? - (Bag) Of course.
You know how superb our research is.
Now, all I have to do is teach you everything I know in 20 minutes.
(Celeste) We're at light 30, approaching light 35.
(Bag) This is a record glide speed. They didn't think we'd make it this fast.
(Celeste) Look, it's Saturn. Could we stop there on the way back?
(Bag) Maybe.
(Steve) Why can't I fit Neptune into this picture?
Wait. That... that works. Huh?
Neptunians won't like it, though.
Let's see here.
Ah! Look at Neptune now!
Come on, Dad! We'll be late for Uncle Ron's party.
Oh. I haven't even finished the MIT proposal yet.
Just come on.
- I hate to leave the universe in such a mess. - Come on! Here, put this on.
Oh, look at this. Do these things ever work? No.
Because the modern light bulb has a half-life of about ten minutes.
- I'm gonna take it apart. - It's not the bulb, it's the switch.
You've been meaning to fix it, remember?
Oh.
Dad, you're impossible.
Do we have any socks?
See, I knew I had a pair in reserve. And they're dry.
I've been cooking 'em since yesterday.
Daddy, look at me. Do you see anything different about me?
- Uh... - I'm wearing a bra.
You can't be! You're only 13!
My God. You're 13.
A bra? Er...
Well, er... did you get the right strap size?
Cup size. Yeah, A-minus.
Hmm.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Where have I been?
(Celeste) How can I learn everything I need to know
in only six more minutes?
(Bag) This is a very backward planet.
The Mondschein 40 is the most advanced research facility
in the northern universe.
Research has determined
you must be the most desirable woman on the planet.
Men on Earth will fall to their knees,
betray their countries
and give away real estate for a beautiful woman.
(Celeste) Ooh! That's silly.
Will I need to eat?
(Bag) No. We'll only be in the place for 24 hours.
This is the most important assignment any of us has undertaken.
(Celeste) I feel so poorly prepared. You're the Earth expert.
(Bag) But you are the Chief Extragalactic Probist.
You know the Council's directive. I can only be your adviser.
(Celeste) Are you sure this research is accurate?
(Bag) Celeste, the Mondschein 40 is never wrong.
(Mouths) OK.
(Exhales)
Ooh! Hmm!
(Squeals)
Right. Let's go.
(♪ ANIMOTION: "Room To Move")
(Overlapping chatter)
Hors d'oeuvres?
Kimberly.
- You met my brother Steve? - No.
You gotta watch out for him, but in the best sense.
He cares too deeply, like a sparrow.
You've got something on your lip.
(Both laughing)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little dip there.
(Chuckles)
I-I-I think flossing is so important, too.
In fact, when I get up in the morning, I don't even go to the bathroom first.
I floss and then I go.
That's so great.
Ron, I'm beginning to think you're avoiding me.
What?
(High-pitched voice) Hi.
(Clears throat, deep voice) Oh, hi.
Hi. Hm.
Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
He's, er... He's the guy dancing with his daughter.
Hors d'oeuvres?
Oh.
(♪ CAMEO: "I Like The World")
Mmm. Thank you, delicious.
Hello?
- Are you Dr. Steve Mills? - Yes.
Will you tell me the composition of your radar beam or not?
(Laughs) Which one?
Now, you don't fool me.
Your favorite color is red, your favorite food is lasagne
and your favorite rocking is Pink Fred.
Oh!
Actually, I prefer green, I'm allergic to all pasta
and my favorite rock is Rachmaninoff.
Well, of course you'd say that.
And I think it's Pink Floyd, not Pink Fred, right, Jessie?
Pink Fred is their nickname.
Would you hold this for me, please?
- "Hey, hey, we're the Monkees." - Hm?
"And people say we monkey around
"but we're too busy singing to put anybody down."
What?
Do you know what they say? "Nixon's the one!"
Dick Nixon?
OK.
See you later, bro. Hmm.
Hey, sailor, I like your jeep.
You've broken my heart for the last time!
Oh! Oh! Argh.
You've broken my heart for the last time, too.
(Gasping)
Do you have any spinach? My hands are freezing.
♪ I'm Popeye the sailor man, I'm Popeye the sailor man
♪ I'm strong to the finich cos I eats me spinach
♪ I'm Popeye the sailor man, toot, toot ♪
"This Bud's for you."
(Guests) Whoa! Whoa!
(Cheering, whistling)
Baby!
Now will you tell me the composition of your radar beam?
Wackygram, right?
(Sighs, groans)
(Ron) Encore! Encore!
This is a nightmare.
Your research was all wrong! The food was all wrong!
This dress is strange and what is this thing?
This hat is too big. And everything I said was crazy.
(Bag) Now, just a second. Don't blame it all on me.
I never told you they used spinach to keep their hands warm.
Daddy, who was that?
I don't know. But I feel kinda sorry for her.
I don't think anybody liked her.
Did you?
Oh!
How are we ever going to get Dr. Steve to transmit his signal now?
He thinks I'm a lunatic.
(Bag) Now, just calm down.
You've got to go back in there.
And you...
- Hi. - Hi.
(Exhales) Tough room.
Look, I'm really sorry how rude I was. I...
No, no, no, no! You weren't rude. You were very entertaining.
In fact, I thought you were a professional of... some kind.
Believe me, they'll be telling their grandchildren about it.
Have you, by any chance,
done any interesting radar astronomy transmissions,
which may have penetrated other galaxies in the last few days?
Yes, I have.
Well... what happened?
- Oh, it's pretty complex. - Try me.
Oh, that was... That was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
I mean, er... second most beautiful.
Er... third.
A dog.
The system, I mean, I blew out every resistance backup in the place,
including telemetry trackers.
Those boys from defense, they were so mad.
Cos that's what they use for tracking missiles...
I must be boring the pants off you.
- No. They're still on. - Good.
- And then what happened, Dr. Steve? - Well, I don't really know what happened.
I mean, it must have been something I did in the lab.
But maybe I forgot to take a note or dropped a setting or something.
Show me what you did.
Show me in your mighty lab.
I can't. They fired me.
- You know, I'm a little cold. - Oh.
Would you mind very much if I just...
- No. - ...just stuck my hands right in your pockets?
Uh-huh.
- Oh. Oh, yes, that's better. - Mm-hm.
Mmm.
So, Celeste...
- Where are you from? - (Bag) Uh-uh-uh.
The Netherlands.
Oh, Holland.
- No, the Netherlands. - (Groans)
(Moans)
Oh, for an astronomer, you have the most wonderful fibers.
And you've got yourself a handful right now.
- Oh. - Mmm.
I can't get back in that lab.
They're gonna kiss!
Does he know how?
Well, of course. I saw him do it once in 1983.
- (Gasps) - (Yelps)
I'm a bad apple.
Excuse me a minute.
I shouldn't be wearing this, should I?
Oh! It's very nice.
Then what should I wear?
Oh, thank you. I won't forget this.
(Sewing machine whirring)
(Bell dings)
(Celeste) Hm.
- Hold this. - Mm-hm.
What are you doing now?
I have to change. This is inappropriate.
Might I suggest a more conventional spot?
Like, er... the backseat of my car.
Oh. OK.
There. I'm changed.
Is this acceptable?
Er...
ls... is the drool apparent?
What the...?
I'm sorry, Dr. Mills, we have strict orders from Dr. Budlong
not to let you in the building.
Well, I left something in my office. It was a fuzzy Care Bear pencil holder.
- Er... - (Celeste) Excuse me, but I'm from DARPA.
The Defense Advance Research Project Agency.
With instructions to tour this facility, so I...
May I see some ID?
(Whirring)
(Celeste gasps)
Here.
See, Department of Defense.
She's with DARPA.
(Detector buzzing)
And I'm with her.
All the settings are the same. They haven't changed a thing.
Dr. Steve, this is only a Jansky-based telescope.
Part of what used to be called a vast array.
Used to?
Well, I see you had to use enormous thrust.
Where's the Klystron?
Er... Hold on, I'll see what they did with it.
(Door buzzes)
(Hissing)
- Good evening, Olaf. - Good evening.
It's nice to have Dr. Mills back.
- What do you mean? - He's in his lab right now.
In his lab?
(Detector buzzing)
There's nothing powerful enough to have broken through our shields
even with lightning.
(Sighs)
It's clear how the reflectors work.
They're not equipped to discover this kind of power for another century.
Oh, how did they get it so fast?
I mean, they haven't even figured out Stonehenge.
Well, he must be holding something back.
Dr. Steve is lying.
Oh...
(Gasps)
- Who are you? - Who? Me?
What are you doing here?
Where's Mills?
Get away from my equipment.
(Screams)
(Yells)
Yes, yes.
Well, I'd better be on my way home.
Yes, yes. Yes, I've got to get home to that... to that good pie.
(Steve) Just grab the handrail there. Welcome to my office.
Sender number KD113B.
Just like all the rest of them, but it's mine.
Did you ever think what you were doing by invading another galaxy?
Well, it wasn't an invasion.
Here was this galaxy, minding its own business.
Perhaps a galaxy where war no longer exists
and people all live in harmony.
And things don't go around with such whizzings.
Oh.
You're shaking. Why?
Because I've wanted to kiss you from the first moment I saw you.
What?
Well, you looked so beautiful and so vulnerable.
And then you started rhyming
and doing all that talking and singing and stuff and...
I mean, I just wanted to use everything I know
about radar astronomy to protect you.
Would you mind if I kissed you?
Does it hurt?
Not the way I do it.
Well...
(Mouths) Go away! What?
Ah!
(Breathes heavily) Hmm.
Oh!
Hmm.
Ah! Oh!
Ah! (Squeals)
Ooh!
- (Grunts) - Oh. Ah. Mmm.
(Celeste) Ooh!
(Cooing)
(Slurping)
- (Groans) - (Squeals)
(Gasps) Oh, wow!
Argh!
(Exhales, breathes heavily)
- (Yelps) - (Groans)
(Groans)
What the...? Hey... Hey!
(Celeste) Mwah, mwah, mwah.
- (Grunts) - (Squeals)
(Exhales, squeals)
(Steve grunts)
What...? Hm...
(Celeste moans)
OK.
I have never felt anything like that in my entire life.
(Breathes heavily)
Do I now have to eat the chocolate from Pennsylvania?
(Laughs) What?
Listen, er... I think we'd better get outta here.
Are you sure you've told me everything about the transmission?
I think so.
But perhaps we should explore it a little further.
I think I'd better take you home.
No! No, that's too far. We must go to your place.
Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
More.
I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming.
"Oh, life could be a dream, sh-boom."
As your great poet says.
Yeah.
Well, welcome to the Mills' residence.
- (Screams) - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, my... Oh, dear. - What is this?
Er... hats. This one is a collector's item.
Yeah. It actually belonged to Jimmy Durante.
Who?
Ha! Cha-cha-cha-cha!
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are."
- (Laughs) - No? Well...
Anyway, he was a song-and-dance man in the movies.
Well, come on in. This is the palace. Help yourself.
Sit down. Steal an ashtray.
I have to go check on Jessie. But, er... please don't leave.
Or otherwise I'll be forced to crawl up under my bed
and suck dust forever.
So what's going on here?
Could it be that he really doesn't know how he made the transmission?
- (Barks) - (Celeste screams)
- What's that? - (Bag) Canine.
Highly revered on this planet.
Usually found in the company of fire hydrants.
Now look, Dr. Steve's lying.
Don't leave him alone.
But he doesn't even care about that anymore.
Didn't you see during that kissing thing?
Oh, his skin got hot and his heartbeat went up.
And suddenly there was a lot more of him, like, down there.
(Bag) lt's an act.
Government types on this planet are trained to lie.
Go find him. He may be burning papers right this minute!
Oh, God!
- Oh. - She's beautiful, isn't she?
Yes. Who is she?
My daughter, Jessie.
Oh. Short.
Short? She's only 13.
- Thirteen? - Uh-huh.
Well, how old does she look?
Six, seven hundred. Just short.
(Laughs)
Why don't we go in here?
My bedroom?
Well, you said you wanted to talk.
Why go all the way downstairs?
Say, do you think I'm a billionaire?
Or somebody who's on television
or somebody who's really important or something?
No. You're Steven Mills, PhD.
A very obscure physicist who makes $25,000 a year.
And you still wanna go in here?
Yowza.
Yowza?
(Laughs) Yowza.
You make me laugh.
I mean, you're the first person
that has really made me laugh since...
Well, er... look, if we do go in there, you know,
I might probably want to do more kissing.
Surely. It was very pleasant.
But I hope that's not all you wanna do.
- Hi. - Hmm.
Remember me?
(Celeste yelps)
- (Breathes heavily) - (Chuckles)
You're so wonderful.
You're funny, you're intelligent and you understand my work.
And now you wanna have sex.
I wanna have sex?
- Don't you? - Do you?
- Yes! - Hmm.
Well, I do, too. As soon as I find out what it is.
(Laughs)
(Both laughing)
- I have to go to the bathroom. - Of course.
(Mouths) Thank you!
OK. What is sex?
Huh? What, what, what?
Ha! "What?" You heard what I said. What is sex?
Oh! (Chuckles)
Well, give me a second. One second.
Ooh. Take a look at this.
Sex. One, gender.
Two, Latin for six.
Three, an expensive store on Fifth Avenue.
Four, deleted.
Deleted? What good is deleted?
Now, don't get excited. Just a second.
One little second. Oh, here... Here it is.
Your penis is a weapon.
Just like your rifle.
The military expects you to protect it and keep it dry.
All right, men, if you'll open your manuals.
What? Is that it?
Take it easy. Oh. Here's something else.
Oh.
(Whirring)
(Celeste) What does this mean, "Debbie Does Dallas"?
"Debbie Does Des Moines."
"Debbie Does Dusseldorf."
Busy girl, that Debbie.
What's this?
Whoa!
(Bag) Look behind you.
Woo!
I can do... Woo!
I can do that. I guess.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Whoa. How...? Whoa! (Squeals)
That's disgusting.
Oh! I can't... That-that-that right there.
Whoa!
Look, that's the most weirdest thing I've ever seen.
That's why we gave it up 3,000 years ago.
- Do you think I could do that? - Why, sure.
Except for fuel you're human inside and out.
But do you want to?
Well, the kissing wasn't so bad.
Hm. Hmm!
You're not leaving me here!
Oh, yes, I am.
(Bag) I have been ordered to stay with you at all times to observe everything you do!
Forget it!
- (Door slams) - Bitch!
(♪ MARRS: "Pump Up The Volume)
♪ Yo, all you homeboys out in Bronx
♪ This one's for you...
My God, you're beautiful.
♪ Here we go, come on...
Ah!
♪ Is that...?
(Mouths) Me?
♪ Is that, is that history? History?
♪ Is that...?
- Ah! - Are you all right?
Ah. Oh, yes, don't stop.
Whoa!
(Moaning)
- (Fireworks popping) - Hey!
Do you see the...?
(Celeste moaning)
Oh! Dr. Steve, that was so wonderful.
- Well... - (Exhales)
Well, I-I-I feel like I've been hit by a train.
And I don't think you need to call me Dr. Steve anymore.
(Chuckles) Oh! Oh, Steve, you're so stupid.
We could have been doing this the whole time.
We only met three hours ago.
I know. What took you so long?
Do others know about this?
About us? I don't see how they could.
No, about making love.
Do you know you could become very famous,
if others in the world knew you could do this.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
Didn't think I did it any differently than anybody else.
You mean everybody does this?
Gosh. Think of all the energy produced.
Properly channeled, that energy could propel half your people
right out of the galaxy.
Oh, wow! Oh!
Well, actually, we did some computer runs in the lab
and figured if we could harness the energy output
from the male members of the Martin Sheen family
we could probably put the state of Illinois on Pluto.
(Chuckles)
Oh, I-I really don't think I can do this again so soon.
Oh, yes, you can.
- Celeste? - What?
Celeste, why me?
Because you're sensitive.
And you're an outsider.
And you worked so hard to get through MIT.
And you have two PhDs and a delightful innocence.
Just all the qualities of a dreamer.
Plus I know you had some bad luck five years ago
when your... when your wife died and left you with a daughter, Jessie, 13.
So that's who that short person was.
Hey, wait a minute. Where'd you get all those details?
I can read it. In your eyes. Hmm.
(Exhales)
(Celeste chuckles)
(Beeping)
No.
No, that's kid's stuff.
Oh, this is no help.
Oh.
What?
Oh. Oh.
(Chuckles)
Oh. Oh.
(Inhales)
Argh! Ugh!
(Chuckles)
Ooh!
(Guffaws) Whiteside, I'm here to spend Christmas with you.
I think.
I may stay a month or I may leave immediately.
I don't know. Things are so uncertain.
♪ 'Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go?
♪ 'And still had the feeling that you wanted to stay
♪ 'You knew it was right, wasn't wrong
♪ 'Still you knew you wouldn't be very long
♪ 'lt's tough to have the feeling that you wanted to go
♪ 'Still have the feeling that you wanted to stay
♪ 'Start to go, change your mind
♪ 'Start and go again, but changed your mind again
♪ 'Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go?
♪ 'Still have the feeling that you wanted to stay
♪ 'Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Si-Do
♪ 'I go, I'll stay...
Oh, will you shut up, you reform school fugitive?
(Laughing)
Whiteside, I loves ya. I loves ya.
Ooh.
(Jessie) Dave, bon appétit.
- (Steve singing) - (Whimpering)
(Barking)
Dave, how are you and your 1,000 fleas this morning?
- (Barks, belches) - (Steve sings)
Are you OK?
- Yes, I'm OK. - Hmm.
Jessie, Celeste. Celeste, my daughter, Jessie.
I know.
You stayed here?
Just overnight.
(Gasps) But Dad...
...that's fabulous.
I gotta go.
Be true to your school.
(Chuckles)
Happy short person. Daughter.
(Door opens, closes)
Almost as happy as her old man.
- Who is that? - Me.
Oh, yes, I am happy, too.
I think... I think...
Yes?
(Sighs) Will I scare you if I tell you I love you?
Not unless you hit me at the same time.
- I'm serious. - So am I.
Well, then let's go away. Let's go to San Francisco.
- Or Vancouver? Or Anchorage? - No, I have to leave tonight.
Leave? Where you going?
Home.
To the Netherlands?
You can call it Holland now. I know what you mean. Yes.
OK. Well, when are you gonna be back?
No, I'm never coming back.
What, what? Never coming back?
W-W-Why? Why?
I mean, why can't you ever come back?
- Well, I-I-I... - Celeste.
I hate to sound desperate,
but this news makes me sound desperate.
I'm desperate.
Celeste, I know this is sudden,
but you're the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me.
I mean, I look in your face and I can't believe what I feel for you.
I'm hopelessly, insanely, out of my mind in love with you.
I can't... I can't let you go.
Walk out of my life. I mean, I can't. Not now, not ever.
Without you there is no life.
And?
Will you marry me?
- Marry you? - Yes. Please.
This is a strange development.
Well, I know it's kind of sudden and quick,
but not if you consider I've been waiting five years for you.
See, before I met you all I could think about was science.
Now I can't even think about that anymore.
All I care about is you.
Your eyes, your skin, your hair, your face.
Do you think you could think about science if we got married?
Well, yes, sure, if only I knew you were gonna be with me
and that you weren't going away anywhere.
Well, I know it's kinda sudden and everything,
so... I'll tell you what, why don't you take a short walk and think about it?
OK, I'll think it over.
Hey, you're not going out like that, are you?
Oh, no. Of course not.
(Door closes)
She's an original. She's gotta say yes.
You said you'd prepare me for 24 hours
and here it's only been 12 hours.
And you didn't tell me "spinach" and you didn't tell me "kiss"
and you didn't tell me "have sex" and what about "marry"?
Do things always happen so fast on this planet?
(Bag) I don't think so.
You can't walk down the street looking like this.
Oh! Oh, yes, I can. I know how this planet works.
They'll just think I'm starting some kind of trend or something.
Now, I want you to contact the Council and I want them here.
And I want them here now!
(♪ BRAHMS: "Prelude and Fuge in A Minor")
Why here?
(Bag) They said they needed an open field.
I found it in the phone book.
What goes on here? Is it Christians and lions?
(Bag) No, no. Wrong time frame.
Where is the transmission?
We're making progress, sir.
Our gravity has increased threefold.
Does the subject suspect who you are?
- No. - Does the girl?
Does the girl?
(Bag) She saw Celeste put magazines into me
and a dress come out.
Kill her.
No, no. Don't worry. She's nothing.
Short, inexperienced. Just a daughter.
- But we do have one problem. - Yes?
The subject says he will be unable to think about science
unless he marries me!
Well, marry him!
But we don't know what "marry" is.
One moment.
Oh, yes.
Yes, the Mondschein 40 says marriage is this,
"He goes off to fight the Turks and you put on a lock."
(Second in Command) No, no.
Oh, yes, yes. Wrong century.
Er... marriage is this,
"You cook and clean and bring him martinis."
- Oh, no, no. - Wrong again? This is ridiculous.
Ah. Yes, wrong decade. Too old-fashioned.
Ah, here we are. Yes. "The modern marriage.
"There are no rules or responsibilities, but if he does something wrong,
"you can set him on fire while he sleeps
"and go on a talk show,
"where everyone will forgive you and love you."
There's only one drawback, you will have to have more sex.
I'll do it. Ooh!
(Council Chief) immediately.
Yes, sir.
I know tomorrow's the last day the reflectors will be in line for another 19 months.
- What if there is no lightning? - We will provide the lightning.
Just keep that man fed and keep his feet clean.
- (Celeste) You're fading. - Yes, I know, it's our gravity.
Now remember, you are our last hope.
If we don't get that transmission from him,
our planet is doomed.
Yes, sir.
(Overlapping chatter)
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi!
But Daddy, this is so quick. I mean, you only met her last night.
Well, it was the same with your mother.
Yeah, but at least with mom you waited a week.
Well, your mother and I knew on the first night.
Are you out of your mind? You don't know a thing about this woman!
- I know all I need to know. - I've already gone through this, Uncle Ron.
She's after your money!
Ron, I don't have a ball of lint and a lead slug to rub together.
She's got a trust fund.
- She has a trust fund? - Uh-huh.
Oh!
Oh, you know, I don't get it. I mean, why does this happen to you?
I know! Citizenship! She wants citizenship.
She wants to take jobs away from Americans
and give 'em to Dutch people!
Yeah. Yeah, that's why she's here.
But-But-But it's so unfair.
I mean, I mean... Ah, you know...
It's my own brother
marrying the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
Oh, and he met her at my apartment.
Ron, I appreciate your concern.
Don't you understand? This is something I really want.
Haven't you wanted something so much that nothing else mattered?
Yes. You know, it's your wedding, I'm gonna tell you.
There's only one woman in the world that I will ever marry.
Princess Stephanie of Monaco.
Really? I never knew you had a thing for her.
What makes her the lucky lady?
Well, because... because she's the most perfect woman in the world.
She'd have nothing to do with me.
Look, Ron, brush up on your French lessons and your tennis and maybe it'll happen.
But right now I'm gonna marry my Princess Stephanie.
So wish me luck.
Nah, you've had too much luck already.
Ah! Where did she get a wedding dress on two hours' notice?
Does she just carry one around with her, in case of emergencies?
I hope so. Now would you just go downstairs and please be best man?
Uncle Ron, go!
You wanna see my date? She's 6' 2".
(Sighs) OK.
Go and tell Celeste it's time.
OK.
(Celeste) No, I'll have to leave you on the chair.
- (Bag) Can't you wear me? - No, I'd look too strange.
I'm so hungry.
(Bag) Good thing we stopped at the hardware store. Ah!
D-cells. Primitive, but nutritious.
Mmm.
- (Squeaking) - (Huffs)
(Swallows) Whoo!
- Dad, she ate batteries! - What?
She took three D batteries out of a paper bag and ate them.
She flattened them like a Tootsie Roll wrapper.
And she was talking to someone who wasn't even in the room.
Oh, honey.
Don't you know that I love you more than anyone else in the world?
Nothing's ever gonna come between us.
But Daddy, she ate batteries.
(Sighs) Jessie, I want you to stop this right now.
(Jessie exhales)
- (Barks, whines) - (Overlapping chatter)
(Guests) Shh, shh, shh!
(Whimpers)
(♪ "Wedding March" playing on organ)
(Guests gasping)
(Gasps)
(Mouths) I love you.
(Guests) Aww.
(Whimpers)
- (Squeals) - (Bag) Back off, Alpo breath.
(Growls, barks)
(Whimpers)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
(Bag) Sit! Sit! Roll over! Play dead!
I've only known Celeste for eight minutes,
but I can tell she has love for Steve,
who I've also known for eight minutes.
(Bag) You're digging your own grave, Fido.
And do you Celeste van Martin take Steven Mills
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- In sickness... - (Whimpers)
For richer and or poorer, till death do you part?
- I do. - I now pronounce you man and wife.
(♪ "Wedding March" playing on organ)
(Overlapping chatter)
(Barking)
(Bag) ♪ 'I'm looking over my dead dog Rover...
- Get that dog down! - 'You left me alone again!
I was getting married!
(Steve) Honey!
What-What happened? Maybe it's an old Dutch custom.
They say, "I do", bolt for the front lawn and start digging.
Maybe she's planting tulip bulbs.
Honey, how on Earth did Dave get up there? Look!
Dave! Don't move!
(Barks)
(Steve) Volunteers! Jeff, Woody!
May I be the first to kiss the bride?
Sure.
I got him!
Oh. Wow!
Yeah, well, you know. Thanks.
(♪ Playing pop-rock music)
Wahey!
(Yelps)
- Hey! - (Celeste chuckles)
Where'd you get this dress?
- (Doorbell ringing) - Oh.
It's him! Quick, Dad! The brush!
I'm coming. I'm coming. Here it is. I've got it here.
- The brush. - The brush, the brush.
- OK. Easy. Easy. There you go. - There we go.
(Doorbell ringing, door knocking)
(Banging on door)
My God, you look beautiful.
Thanks, Dad. I hope he likes me.
I hope you like him.
(Doorbell ringing)
Hi. I'm Fred. The date.
- (Closes door) - (Fred) These are for you, doll.
Thank you.
- Er... I'm Steve, Jessie's dad. - Hi.
- This is Mrs. Mills. - Nice to meet you.
Mouth jewelry.
Huh?
Oh, right, my braces.
My wife's from Holland, so they...
Sure.
- Oh, you wore flats. Great. - Yeah.
So...
- Have a great time. - She'll be safe with me, sir.
Bye.
- (Door closes) - Did that kid look shifty to you?
Hadn't you better get back to work now?
What? You gotta be kidding, on our wedding night?
- Well, um... - Well, I don't think so.
- (Chuckles) - Well... Whoo! Wah!
- (Screams, chuckles) - God, I love you!
(Phone ringing)
Honey, would you get that?
(Phone ringing)
- Hello? - (Man) Lucas Budlong, please.
It's for you.
Hello?
- 'Budlong, is that you? - Yes.
This is Carl Sagan.
Carl Sagan?
Honey, it's Carl Sagan.
Budlong, as you know, I've been assigned
to the President's Committee on Extraterrestrials,
the Most important None More Secret Committee.
No, I-I didn't know that.
Well, of course.
And he has personally authorized me to instruct you
to put Dr. Steve Mills back to work
at Haddonkirk Laboratories tomorrow morning first thing.
Mills? But he almost blew the place...
Shut up, Budlong. No arguments.
We can't afford to waste billions and billions of dollars.
Have I made myself clear, Meathead?
Y-Yes. Well, I, uh... I uh...
And how's Skippy?
Oh, she's... she's fine.
Tell her I asked after her.
A beautiful, desirable woman.
Yes, sir.
Who's Carl Sagan?
Bravo, Bag.
Now we've got to get Dr. Steve something to eat.
You're right. He should have no excuses not to work.
Pfft!
Ah!
(Engine starts)
(♪ THE MIGHTY SPARROW: "Whole Night We Jamming")
(Bag) Hands on the wheel!
(Tires screeching)
♪ Tell me when the party is over
♪ I will take you home for the night
♪ Anything that your heart desire
♪ Will be yours without a fight...
(Tires screeching)
♪ If it's still in your head
♪ You will want to go to bed
♪ All you want to do is jam
♪ In the corner I'll do it whole night...
(Snaps fingers) That's what we need.
♪ Whole night, we're dancing whole night
♪ Hey, hey, ha, ha
♪ Wah-ma...
(♪ Harmonizing)
♪ Wahey, look me
♪ Darling, when the party is over
♪ I will take you home for the night
♪ Anything that your heart desire...
$416.80.
- What's this? - It's a diamond.
I'm sorry, we don't take diamonds at this branch.
Money only.
Haven't you got anything smaller?
(Sneezes) What did I just do?
It's called a sneeze. From the flour.
But only humans are supposed to do it.
- What did it feel like? - (Sneezes)
(Chuckles) Very funny.
(Inhales) Mmm.
Very good. Very liberating.
This is my house.
Well, I actually had a good time. Maybe we can do it again sometime.
Yeah, maybe next time we can even dance.
- I am starving. - (Bag) OK.
(Grunts)
Ah.
(Grunts)
(Celeste) Ah!
Just what I needed.
Hm. Boy, I could have a banquet down this block.
(Bag) We've got work to do.
Oh, all right.
- (Bubbling) - Ah.
(Bell dings)
(Sizzling)
Hey, did you see Uncle Ron's new invention?
It's an all-snap shirt where the snaps look like buttons.
Great, huh? Except they rust in the wash.
- Morning, dear. - Good morning.
- I made you breakfast, my family.
- So that's what you've been up to? - Mm-hm. Did you sleep well?
- Yes. - Did you?
(Phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, Dr. Budlong.
How are you?
I'm fine. Thank you.
No, I don't know Dr. Sagan personally.
The President's Most Secret None More Secret?
Oh!
(Stammers)
Huh?
Well, I've been thinking, too.
About the explosion and the damage and everything.
Maybe...
Really?
You mean it? Well, when can I start back?
Oh. No, not today. Today's my honeymoon.
Yeah. A foreign gal.
Oh, she's a head-spinner. (Chuckles)
- (Pen squeaks) - (Steve) Uh-huh. Fine.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, surely you and Skippy must remember from your own experience.
Budlong, this is Mrs. Mills.
Ignore my husband on anything but science.
He'll be there in 15 minutes. Maybe less. Yes, bye.
Sweetie, wait a minute. I don't wanna go into work today.
Today's our honeymoon. I wanna clean the place up for you.
I'll clean this house, so you don't see a dust. I am Dutch.
Did you ever see a dirty street in the Hague? We are ready to clean.
Oh, great. Let's do it together. And we can watch my Durante tapes.
Let's put an end to this silly argument right now.
I'll arm-wrestle you for it. Winner cleans.
Come on. You sure you really wanna do this?
Come on, come on.
One, two, three.
OK, lady wins. Now let's eat right up and get to work.
That's quite a forearm you've got there.
And remember the thrust.
Four hundred megawatts and lightning just isn't enough to go extragalactic.
Huh... What's this?
Your martini. Would you like one, dear?
No, thank you.
Oh, yes.
Oh!
- (Whimpers) - And finally...
(Singsong) Your turkey!
Dig right in. Eat fast, solve all your problems.
And fulfill yourself. I am going to make the beds.
Wow! Quite a spread.
Daddy, don't you think this is pretty strange?
Oh, your stepmother's just full of surprises.
Daddy, I know how happy you are and I wouldn't do anything in the world
to get in the way of that happiness.
- But last night, after my date... - Oh, your date?
How'd your date go?
Fine, but Dad, I saw her drink the battery juice from your Honda.
- Jessie! - Not only that.
I saw her lift a burning hot pan with her bare hands!
Now I wish I didn't have to go to the lab.
- (Sighs) Your new mother... - Stepmother!
- Stepmother loves you very much. - (Sighs)
She's just a little bit concerned that she not gonna fit in around here.
Now, obviously she knows there's gonna be problems...
Dad, if the car won't start, will you at least give me the benefit of the doubt?
(Slurps, exhales)
(Engine starts)
Nothing happened, Jess. You must have dreamed it.
- Bye. - Oh, not you! Not you!
(Bag) We do the rest of the house in 14 seconds.
Then Council provides the lightning.
He does the transmission and we head the 92 light years home.
(Phone ringing)
Setty Lab. This is Mills.
Dad, come home right away! The house is on fire!
(Screams)
Hey! You can't leave now!
What if we get rain? Oh!
- Jessie! - (Dave whimpering)
- Stay away from me. - (Celeste) No, it's not what you think.
Jessie.
- You are an alien! - OK.
(Locks)
Oh, my God! (Screams)
- (Screams) - (Dave barking)
(Bag) And you!
Quiet!
(Barks without sound)
- Bag, let her down! - Not yet.
What do you want?
We're from Co-sign into the Eighth.
Ninety-two light years and two solar systems away.
Your father penetrated our atmosphere with a radar beam nine days ago.
We must duplicate that transmission in 12 hours
or our civilization will be destroyed.
Is that why you're here? But he doesn't know how he did it!
- We assume that's a lie. - No, it's not.
You should know him well enough to know he doesn't lie.
Could that be the truth? Could it be it was just an accident?
No! The teenager is lying, too.
No, I don't think so.
We've got to find this out or we'll never be able to leave.
Leave? But what about my father?
He loves you.
For the first time in five years he loves someone.
You're gonna kill that in him. He'll never recover.
Celeste doesn't care. Right, Celeste?
(Shouts) Right, Celeste?
- Right! - (Jessie whimpers)
If you don't say anything, we'll let you down.
No, we won't!
I'm in charge of this mission.
Will you not tell your father until we've gone?
Yes, just don't hurt him.
(Tires screeching)
- Let her down. - Celeste!
- Let her down! - (Screams)
That wasn't necessary.
(Unlocks)
(Barks without sound)
(Celeste) Give the dog back his bark.
Celeste, your attitude sucks.
(Barks)
Ciao, baby.
- (Steve) What's this about a fire? - Are you all right?
Daddy!
Jessie, you said there was a fire! Now, what's going on?
I had to tell you there was a fire. What was I gonna say?
"The living room's spotless, come home"?
Why did you call me? Why did you lie to me?
I had to. Daddy, you married a person from another planet.
Celeste doesn't come from Holland.
She comes from a place 92 light years and two solar systems away.
Not again. You're going in for counseling.
She does! She took away Dave's bark and put me on the ceiling for ten minutes.
Jessie, Celeste is not from another planet.
Your stepmother is not an alien.
I mean, please, this is a fantasy.
Don't you think I know aliens? It's my business to know.
(Sobs) Why do we never see her eat or sleep?
And how come we suddenly get a new living room in one afternoon?
And inside that bag there's a horrible eye.
Just like why my car wouldn't start this morning?
Well, just look inside.
All right. OK.
I come home from the lab to look in a purse.
All right. Fine. OK.
Lipstick. Passion pink.
Mascara. Hmm. Unusual for a purse, isn't it?
Q-tips.
(Screams) An eye! An eye!
Jessie, there's no eye in here.
She made it disappear. There was one in there.
And she did lift up the bacon without a potholder.
And what about all that food she cooked for breakfast?
You don't have any answer and won't believe me.
And she's gonna be gone in 12 hours and why won't you listen to me?
Now, honey, come on. Jessie, come here.
Hey, Jessie!
Jessie, where are you going?
Jessie! Hey!
Hey, come back here, Jessie.
- Hey! - (Celeste) Jessie!
(Steve) Get off the street!
Jessie, you bring that bike back here now!
Hey, come on.
Jessie!
Hey! What's wrong?
- Hey! - (Celeste) Jessie!
- Come on! - Jessie!
(Steve) Jessie!
(Both) No!
(Screams)
- Jessie. - Daddy.
I'm sorry. I... I didn't see her. Is she all right?
She's... She's OK.
- I didn't see her. - It's... It's all right.
(Car door closes, engine starts)
(Sobs) You gave yourself away to save my life.
OK. I'll be right back.
- Hi. - Hi.
Do you really have to go?
It's the same on both our planets.
(Scoffs) Just when you get to know someone they have to leave.
My mom, I mean, my first mom,
had to leave, too.
I know you have to go.
This isn't your home.
I understand that.
(Sighs) Can you at least wait till morning?
I'll try.
OK?
Oh.
(Jessie sniffles)
So... where's your spaceship?
- Behind your moon, Steve. - What do you do up there?
Meditate? Plan how to break hearts? If you know what they are.
We are where you will be in 55 centuries. If you make it.
I'm 1,296 years old.
We reproduce by synthesis in a Petri dish.
We use 104 per cent of our brain capacity,
as opposed to your 36 per cent.
Our lives are spent in perfect harmony improving our civilization
with none of the erratic highs and lows that you have here.
Oh, I see. Sort of like Switzerland.
Why do you reproduce in a Petri dish?
We learned that sex was inefficient and messy.
Oh, so you got rid of it, just like that?
Well, I must admit, we were a little hasty on that one.
You mean I married a virgin? Oh, Mother would be proud!
Don't you ever do stuff like go on vacation?
Sure we do.
- What do you do on vacation? - Math.
(Sighs) What do you do to have fun?
Oh. Graphs.
Yeah? Well, we go to warm places together and hold hands.
It's too bad you don't eat food.
You might find it could be quite pleasurable.
What, you get pleasure out of food?
- Here. - No, thank you.
If you want my secrets you'll eat my sandwich.
Chew, chew!
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm. Wow!
Mmm. This is fun. What is it?
Oh!
- Ham and cheese on rye with mayo. - Mmm.
And I love the way it feels against the roof of my mouth
and the sides of my tongue.
Hm, this is fun! (Chuckles)
- Here, wash it down. - Mm.
Wow.
Mmm. Hmm. This makes me smile, too.
Seagram's Scotch Whiskey.
Celeste?
Did you ever like me?
Oh, Steve, of course I did. I do.
It wasn't just physics?
Oh, no.
If I were an Earth person, I would do exactly what we did.
- It might have taken a little longer... - Well, then why can't you stay?
I just can't.
What if I never sent that transmission again?
Then nobody would be able to use it against you ever.
Unfortunately, that's not the history of your planet.
And if you don't do that transmission, my planet will die.
- Are you mad at me? - Mad?
I'm furious. I'm confused, I'm upset, I'm frustrated, I'm furious!
You're everything I ever wanted in a human and an extraterrestrial!
If I send the transmission, which I don't really know how to do
and save your planet, I lose you.
If I don't send it, you stay, but I kill a whole planet.
But I make a lousy Earth person.
I made way too much breakfast and the dog hates me.
The dog loves you. We all love you.
Don't you see?
That's why it's so hard.
That's why I'm so torn apart.
I feel like Durante.
Oh. Yes, Durante.
You know?
♪ Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go?
♪ Still had the feeling that you wanted to stay?
(Both) ♪ You knew it was right wasn't wrong, go, stay, stay, go ♪
Oh, that's exactly how I feel!
You know this song?
I feel just like you and Durante.
I don't wanna go, but I can't stay.
Well, I feel only one way.
I want you to stay.
Oh, Steve...
Oh.
(Tuts) Boy, talk about being tied to your work.
I spend my whole career trying to prove there's life on other planets
and when I find it, I marry it.
Lightning!
(Screams)
You shocked me.
Oh, static electricity. The metal in Ron's snaps.
(Screams)
Snaps.
Ron's buttons.
The cage around the Klystron.
- That's the wild card! - What?
Come on!
(Thunderclap)
He knows.
Oh, he's a true scientist.
You realize, of course,
as soon as we've made contact we'll have to leave.
I'm aware of that.
Right after we kill them.
- Kill them? - Well, not just them.
The whole thing. What do you call it? Earth.
We're not killing anybody!
We're getting what we have to get and leaving Earth as we found it.
Afraid not, honey. We're wiping out everything.
People, land mass, water.
The Council has told me to take care of it!
We're not going to do anything.
Eight minutes after he transmits that signal...
Here's Earth!
(Explosion)
(Yelps)
(Thunderclap)
Jessie!
Jessie, sweetie! It's time.
Come on! Get up.
(Thunderclap)
(Jessie screaming)
(Celeste) Be careful.
(Yelps)
(Thunder rumbling)
(Harmonizes)
(Phone ringing)
(Deep voice) Yeah.
(Celeste) Ron, it's Celeste.
Celeste! Hey, hey! It's Ron!
Ron, it's just not working out.
- 'Steve and I simply aren't compatible. - What?
Our physical relationship just isn't what it should be.
I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to you.
Er... about... about y-y-your p-p-physical relationship?
Yeah. Hmm.
Could you come over to the lab right now
and we could discuss these matters of the flesh?
The flesh? Well, yes. Yes, sure.
But, I mean, well, he's my brother.
Oh, but we don't need to tell Steve everything.
Oh, and Ron, would you mind doing me the littlest itsy-bitsy favor?
I left my purse in the bedroom at home. Bye.
(Mouths) Come back!
Oh, this is terrible. Oh, what am I gonna do?
He's my own brother! This is terrible. My own brother!
And yet... (Humming)
(Lightning bolting)
Where have you been all day? This rain could stop at any minute.
Grady, we need a conductor. A conductor. Something to, uh...
- A conductor. Something to ca... - Solid tin.
You know, next year when they give out that Nobel Prize,
I'm gonna be up there and I'm gonna tell them about...
Steve, darling.
(Thunder rumbling)
You see what did it?
Ronnie put his jacket on the back of the chair and it had brass buttons.
It was a short circuit.
The electrical impulse bouncing between the Klystron and the fried buttons.
It threw the power way beyond 400 megawatts!
(Thunder rumbling)
Telescope's all set, Dr. Mills.
You won't forget to tell Dr. Sagan how helpful I've been?
Carl Sagan? Oh, sure, sure. Now all we need is the lightning.
Thank you.
Watch these monitors. That's where the action is.
All right, put these on.
Put those on.
OK, set your attractors.
Set your attractors.
- Steve, I gotta talk to you. - Bag!
(Bag) You've signed your own death warrant, sister!
(Steve) OK. Prepare to initiate the system.
I've got to. I wanna kill myself. I'm in love with your wife.
- What? - Steve, the reflectors.
Oh, oh. Ready!
Ready?
Now!
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, great! Nothing's changed here!
(Beeping)
(Jessie) Daddy, look!
I know! I know!
Well, I'll be damned!
- (Beeping) - (Cheering, squealing)
We did it again!
Science! Science!
Steve, did you hear what I said?
I am in love with your wife.
She's in love with me. It's a whole thing. We gotta talk.
Get rid of that bag.
(Ron) The bag?
- That bag will destroy your planet. - (Laughs)
Babe, I love you. We'll get rid of the bag.
Hey, what's in it? A little eyeliner, a little lipstick, a little eye...
(Screams)
(Mutters)
Ah! Ah!
Help! Steve!
Ah! Ah!
(Bag) Lights out!
(Ron) Steve!
(Screams)
(Bag) T-minus ten seconds and counting.
Ten, nine, eight...
Too late!
I am indestructible.
Seven, six, five, four, three...
(Groaning, grunting)
(Muffled voice in slow motion)
(Screaming)
You do a woman a favor and the eye in her purse attacks you! (Screams)
(Screaming)
Is the pocketbook dead?
Of course, you nincompoop.
(Crackling)
Please, step outside.
(Screaming)
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no, no. No, sorry.
Oh! I'm in hell! This is hell!
That is hell!
The transmission was a success.
Our gravity has already begun to revert. We have been saved.
Celeste, why has this planet not been dispatched?
You never said you were going to destroy this place!
(Council Chief) We must. They know how to destroy us.
Council, Dr. Mills never meant to hurt anyone.
There are too many strange and good things that go on here to destroy it.
They have war, they have indifference, they have suffering.
Yes, but they also have jitterbugs.
- Jitterbugs? - Frivolous!
And children. And jokes.
And ham and cheese on rye with mayo!
(Council Chief) Mediocre.
And making love.
- And sneezes. - Sneezes?
And Jimmy Durante!
- Jimmy? - Yes.
Show me Jimmy.
Show you Jimmy. OK.
They wanna see Jimmy.
Jim... Come on. Come on.
- Grady. - (Exhales)
Jimmy Durante from "The Man Who Came To Dinner".
Oh, there's a lot of nice things in here.
Hello, up there, you omnipotent superbeings
from some other dimensional planet.
Hit it!
(♪ Playing keyboard)
♪ Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go?
♪ But still had the feeling that you wanted to stay?
♪ You knew it was right, wasn't wrong
♪ Still you know you wouldn't be very long...
- (Whistles) - Ah! (Squeals)
Ha! Cha-cha-cha-cha!
♪ It's tough to have the feeling that you wanted to go
♪ Still have the feeling that you wanted to stay
♪ Start to go, change your mind
♪ Start to go again, but change your mind again
♪ It's tough to have the feeling that you wanted to go
♪ Still have the feeling that you wanted to stay
♪ Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do
♪ I go
♪ I stay ♪
Ha! Cha-cha-cha-cha!
Kill them.
No!
Skippy? Skippy, where are you?
Hey, you! This is an English automobile!
(Sneezes)
Ugh!
We have never had sneezes. (Sniffs, exhales)
Hm. Sneezing makes the head tingle.
The whole body feels alive.
Ah. What else is like this?
Sir, can you see with my eyes?
Of course.
Then this is why.
(Music drowns speech)
I see.
Yes.
This, uh...
What do you call it? Earth. Deserves more study.
It's too weird to destroy.
It will be spared.
Oh!
Oh. Ah.
Celeste, it is time to come home.
Now come home, Celeste.
Sir.
Sir, I-I am home.
It's no use. I can't go.
That is impossible.
Celeste, you must return.
Wait. Come on now.
Hi. Steve Mills.
You look like a reasonable bunch of superbeings, and...
Well, we really have to work this out.
You see, I'm in love. with your Chief Extragalactic Probist.
- (Council Chief) No! - What do you mean, no?
We need someone to tell us about your war and making love
and all your fuzziness.
Er... excuse me.
Er... big thing in the sky.
Er... you need someone to tell you about making love?
We need someone to tell us about everything.
Well, does anyone up there look as good as she does?
Everyone does.
- Better. - Really?
It's impossible.
Sir, he knows more than I do about all things down here.
It's an interesting idea.
He can come.
Well, who's gonna drive this thing?
Group Captain Winnek Woofet and the 12th Navigational Command.
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh! Oh, my God!
Hey, hey, she looks just like Princess Stephanie.
She looks just like Princess Stephanie, too.
- If you say so. - (Ron) No!
Oh, no, they...
Oh, yeah. They all...
They all look like Princess Stephanie.
Oh, yes!
- Er... can I ask you a question? - Yes.
Er...
You think my Rolls would be impressive?
- Might be. - (Ron) Oh, can I bring it?
Yes, of course.
Yes! Yes...
Well...
- Goodbye, my dear. - Bye, Uncle Ron.
Bye, my dear.
Oh. Sorry.
Ron, you sure you wanna do this?
You're contemplating a pretty radical move here.
Ah, Steve.
They all look like Princess Stephanie.
(Steve) They do, don't they?
Hmm.
Well, time's a-wasting.
Hey, where are the keys to your beach house?
(Keys jingling)
Enjoy.
- (Chuckles) - Have a nice drive. Flight. Trip.
Get the heck off this planet.
(Engine starts)
(Chuckles)
(Exhales)
Yes.
- (Woman #1) Come on. - (Woman #2) Hi.
- (Woman #3) Right over here, baby. - (Woman #4) Lovely.
- (Woman #5) What is it? - (Woman #6) It's a car.
(Council Chief) We'll be in touch, Celeste.
Enjoy your humanity while it lasts.
- A little one on one, Dad? - (Grunts)
No, thanks, honey.
I think Celeste and I are gonna go upstairs and get some... sleep.
I get it.
(Celeste) I'll be right up.
(Exhales)
Ah! Mm-hm.
Hey! Are you human or what?
Human. Every part.
All that power to do stuff left with Bag, right?
Yep. I guess so.
Drive! Drive!
(Whimpers)
Yes!
(Barks)
(Fireworks whistling)
(Women cheering)
(Ron) ♪ Go to your planet
♪ Co-sign into the Eighth...
(Whooping)
(Indistinct singing)
(Cheering)
- (Sings) - (Whooping)
(Ron) ♪ And when I get up to the planet
♪ I'll take you out with me ♪
(Cheering and laughter)
(♪ IVAN NEVILLE: "Not Just Another Girl")
♪ She could have been from anywhere
♪ She could have had most anyone
♪ I bet the girls in another world
♪ Not just another girl
♪ Well, the place was jammed, the music loud
♪ I could see her face standing out in the crowd
♪ As she winked at me
♪ Feeling good I didn't care
♪ All I could see was her standing there
♪ I say, the crowd got up, the band was playing
♪ And in my mind I could hear her saying
♪ I love you
♪ She could have been from anywhere
♪ She could have had most anyone
♪ I bet the girls in another world
♪ Not just another girl
♪ When I met her folks there was no surprise
♪ Had her old man's ways and her mother's eyes
♪ Silver spoons, she had everything
♪ She'd leave it all just to hear me sing
♪ I say, the crowd got up, the band was playing
♪ And in my mind I could hear her saying
♪ I love you
♪ She could have been from anywhere
♪ She could have had most anything
♪ I bet the girls in another world
♪ Not just another girl
♪ I gotta find a way inside her lovely world
♪ I gotta see the day when I can really be sure
♪ She'll be my girl
(♪ Saxophone solo playing)
♪ Her royal blood didn't mean a thing
♪ Even though our first born might be a king
♪ I say, the crowd got up, the band was playing
♪ And in my mind I could hear her saying
♪ She said, "I love you"
♪ She could have been from anywhere
♪ She could have had most anyone
♪ I bet the girls in another world
♪ Not just another girl
♪ Could have been from anywhere... ♪
Now, good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.