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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Ho, ho, ho!
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D'oh! Ho, ho!
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_
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And now to order my Christmas gifts
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with plenty of time.
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Hmm. UPS tracking says
my packages just arrived.
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All I have to do is look down.
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D'ah!
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Who could've done this? Who?
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♪ Ding-dong, merrily on high ♪
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♪ In heaven the bells are ringing ♪
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♪ Ding-dong, Bart is gonna die ♪
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♪ His little neck I'm stringing. ♪
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Hmm. Needs tinsel
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to reflect the horror in Bart's eyes.
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Oh, a visitor. Coming.
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Ahoy!
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Are there any lonely
lighthouse keepers abaft here?
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Oh, hello, Cassandra.
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Surprise! I made you muffins.
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You want to know a secret?
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I used two sticks of butter.
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Do you have any deep dark secrets?
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_
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- _
- Merry Christmas, Father!
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Stay out of trouble.
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Nope. No secrets.
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So, have you ever
thought about children?
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Missed me! Missed me!
Now you gotta kiss me!
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Oh, if you'll excuse me,
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my gimbals need a good whale oiling.
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- Ta!
- Oh,
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you might get some other visitors.
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I mentioned you in town today.
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You told people about me?
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What did you tell them?! What?!
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That you had kind eyes,
a beautiful voice,
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and no wedding ring.
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There he is!
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I was a fool to let my
guard down with a woman
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who runs a seaward-aiming Fresnel lens!
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From hell's heart I stab at thee!
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Oh, my God. Just listen to
that mellifluous baritone.
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He's perfect for the role.
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Role? Role?
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You're offering me an acting job?
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Yes! It's to play Santa Claus
at a small amusement park.
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Oh, what the hell.
It is the lead. I'm in!
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Dinner is served.
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_
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_
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Hey, let's see what's on your tag.
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"Cadaver-sniffing dog"?!
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Ah, that's another job I didn't get.
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_
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It's gone. My porch repair kit is gone!
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D'oh!
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A little help!
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Another crafts project gone out of hand?
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Yes.
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If you're not tied up tomorrow,
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I took the day off from work.
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I was thinking we could
watch an R-rated movie.
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Finally, the sexy story
of Tony Roma's ribs.
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But tomorrow I promised the kids
I'd take them out of school.
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It can be our family day.
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Yawn.
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We'll go to Santa's Village.
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Oh, I hate that place. It's
so crowded at Christmas.
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And the giant candy canes are not real.
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But they are electrified!
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Well, we're going and taking the kids.
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Why couldn't that be me?
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- Homer!
- Oh...
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_
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♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
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♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
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- ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
- Oh, God, I'm so sick of this.
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- Thing just keeps going on and on.
- ♪ Baby shark, Mommy shark ♪
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- ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
- I don't want to hear a shark
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- or "baby" or "doo" ever again.
- ♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
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- ♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
- Marge, you traitor!
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- It's so catchy.
- ♪ Mommy shark ♪
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- ♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
- Oh, what the hell.
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♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
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♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
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♪ Daddy shark. ♪
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Play this at my funeral!
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_
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_
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Why do the low-budget parks we go to
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have so many white trash idiots?
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Oh! Boy, that's good.
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Why? Why?
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Well, I'm getting right
in line for Santa.
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_
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Eight hours to see a fat lazy drunk-o?
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I came to this park
to get away from one.
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Wow. Even Chanukah Hollow is packed.
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_
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Check out the Dreidel Casino.
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Come on, gimmel, gimmel, gimmel!
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Ah, shin again!
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I thought this would be
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the one part of Judaism I'm good at.
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Typical.
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The one ride is a stupid,
boring kiddie ride.
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At least you get to have fun.
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♪ It's a scary place
in the world outside ♪
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♪ Gnomes are watching you,
so you'd best not cry ♪
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♪ Don't display any fear, this we know ♪
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♪ Yes, it's clear, all our eyes ♪
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♪ Are watching you ♪
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♪ It's a scary place
in the world outside ♪
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♪ Gnomes are watching you,
so you'd best not cry ♪
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♪ Don't display any fear,
this we know, yes, it's clear ♪
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♪ All our eyes are watching you. ♪
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Hey, buddy, thanks for saving me a spot.
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Bart, you cut the bullies.
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In this situation, we assign equal blame
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to the cutter and the cuttee.
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Let him go. I don't want to get blood
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on my Christmas sweater.
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Oh, there's gonna be blood
on your sweater, all right.
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I just said I didn't want that!
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Hello, young man.
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Climb right up.
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Santa? Bartholomew Simpson.
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- You don't know me, but...
- Oh, but I do.
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Hello-ho-ho, Bart.
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Sideshow Bob!
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Merry Christmas.
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He's in a good mood.
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Yes. This is the year I get the monkey.
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I keep telling you,
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a monkey is a huge responsibility.
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I'm raising a kid. I think
I can raise a monkey.
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So easy. After all these years,
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I get to watch the life drain
from your eye, your I...
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I can't kill you!
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- Want to know why?
- Mm, nah.
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I am a trained method actor.
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I inhabit my roles.
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Like Daniel Day-Lewis in Phantom Thread.
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Or Mike Myers in The Love Guru.
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Why should I trust you?
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Because I am utterly incapable
of stepping out of character.
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I am Santa Claus.
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The jolly old elf himself.
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Ho, ho, ho.
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So can we get in to see you?
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15-minute break.
Santa's making presents.
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Ooh...
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_
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I'm telling you, this is Sideshow Bob!
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- He tried to kill me!
- Well?
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I am a card-carrying seasonal Santa.
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Kris Kringle Union, Local 5732.
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Hey, I was a mall Santa, too.
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I still wear the belt.
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Uh, if you're gonna spend this
much time with our Santa,
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you have to pose for a photo.
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Photos with Santa, $40.
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Marge, just take one with your phone!
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- Got it.
- Run!
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This will stop the jerks
who've been stealing packages
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off my porch: a decoy with an
exploding dye marker inside.
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You don't think you packed in
a little too much gunpowder?
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Relax. I learned how to do this
from my Uncle Two Fingers.
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00:09:32,140 --> 00:09:34,740
Oh, my God. You're the package thief?
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Lenny. Who did this to
you? Can you say it?
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- Eh.
- Can you whisper it?
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Eh.
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Can you write it with your blood?
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Ooh.
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_
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I'm a little worried
our Christmas packages
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haven't arrived.
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Marge, relax. There's plenty of time.
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It's 8:00 p.m. Christmas Eve!
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Just sit back and watch
this Fox News yule log.
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- _
- We interrupt this yule log
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with a special report.
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Package delivery thefts
continue in Springfield.
193
00:10:17,820 --> 00:10:20,089
Local man Leonard "Lenny" Leonard
194
00:10:20,090 --> 00:10:23,819
had his jingle bell rung in
a package deal gone boom.
195
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:27,199
Our only clue is these
initials next to the corpse.
196
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,299
He's not a corpse. He's breathing.
197
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- I say he's a corpse.
- And I say I'm not.
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00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,009
Uh... you don't get a vote.
199
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,599
"S.B." is Sideshow Bob!
200
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,219
That's what he's up to.
201
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,100
He's stealing Christmas!
202
00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:44,260
A fellow Santa could
not steal Christmas.
203
00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:47,780
I know who this mysterious "S.B." is.
204
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,749
Welcome to jail, Selma Bouvier.
205
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:54,760
Uh, tell Scott Bakula, Steve Ballmer
206
00:10:54,770 --> 00:10:56,694
and Sandra Bullock they're off the hook.
207
00:10:56,695 --> 00:10:59,179
I should've been back
at NCIS: New Orleans
208
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,089
two hours ago.
209
00:11:01,090 --> 00:11:03,320
Why don't you just Quantum Leap there?
210
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,760
Why don't you learn
how to be a cop, fatso?
211
00:11:05,770 --> 00:11:08,139
I loved it! Mistaken identity!
212
00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:12,719
I sold ten, ten season tickets
to the guys in my cell.
213
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:16,810
Everything we do is successful, booyah!
214
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:32,819
Santa's Village, please.
215
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:34,179
What do you want to go there for?
216
00:11:34,180 --> 00:11:36,219
I'm saving Christmas.
217
00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:38,999
Every kid thinks they're doing
that this time of year.
218
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,760
And as for you, Santa's
Village is closed, I'm afraid.
219
00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:44,119
If I wanted your life story,
I would've taken an Uber.
220
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,497
Well, that shuts me up.
221
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:48,874
I'm not gonna leave till I
find out what Bob's up to.
222
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,127
If you don't hear from me in
one hour, call the police.
223
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:53,379
I have my own problems, Bart.
224
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,969
My mom just locked my
dad out in the snow.
225
00:11:55,970 --> 00:11:58,159
He keeps tapping at my window.
226
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,719
She said if I open it, no presents.
227
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,230
- Useless.
- Don't hang up.
228
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,394
_
229
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,773
Classic evil villain mistake.
230
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:14,858
Life goals?!
231
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,659
Don't pooh-pooh.
232
00:12:16,660 --> 00:12:18,999
Now for God's sake,
how can I convince you
233
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,115
that I am not going to kill you?!
234
00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:24,702
Find the person who stole the presents.
235
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:27,209
Very well. I shall begin
by clearing my initials,
236
00:12:27,210 --> 00:12:31,060
catching the true "S.B." and, if I must,
237
00:12:31,070 --> 00:12:33,877
save Christmas for everyone.
238
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,046
Now let me drive you home.
239
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:39,349
You want me to ride with you? Fine.
240
00:12:39,350 --> 00:12:40,740
Shotgun!
241
00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:43,620
Let's roll.
242
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,460
Shotgun means you pay the tolls.
243
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:51,729
So I'm here to save Christmas,
and here's my plan.
244
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:55,320
First, I conceal myself within this box.
245
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,572
Where'd you learn how to do that?
246
00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:04,289
When you ride cross-country in
a clown car, you learn a lot.
247
00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:09,913
Who knew?
248
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:11,509
- Brava!
- Who knew?
249
00:13:11,510 --> 00:13:12,519
Thank you.
250
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,739
Now, Homer, gently
place me on the porch,
251
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:17,279
and when they steal me,
follow them to their lair.
252
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:18,840
Will do.
253
00:13:26,030 --> 00:13:27,269
Ah!
254
00:13:27,270 --> 00:13:29,069
- And...
- Ah!
255
00:13:29,070 --> 00:13:31,435
Godspeed.
256
00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:33,437
They'll be here any minute.
257
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,479
Can't breathe.
258
00:14:11,090 --> 00:14:13,300
_
259
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,859
♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
260
00:14:16,860 --> 00:14:19,358
♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
261
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,069
♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. ♪
262
00:14:30,020 --> 00:14:32,660
Oh, my God, S.B. is
263
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:34,540
Smithers and Burns!
264
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,459
Since when does Smithers go first?
265
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,779
The jig is up!
266
00:14:37,780 --> 00:14:40,009
Also, leg cramp.
267
00:14:40,010 --> 00:14:42,256
Ow.
268
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,216
The police are on their way.
269
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:47,229
Who will they believe?
You or the billionaire
270
00:14:47,230 --> 00:14:49,972
who just sent them a
Montgomery Ward's cheese log?
271
00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:52,975
Mr. Burns, why did you do this?
272
00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:55,018
Ooh, general Scroogeyness.
273
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:58,139
No, it's deeper. It's
much deeper than that.
274
00:14:58,140 --> 00:15:01,108
I think Mr. Burns is depressed.
275
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,989
Ooh, you're a very perceptive girl.
276
00:15:05,970 --> 00:15:07,249
That's close enough.
277
00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:09,099
I just wanted everyone to experience
278
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:12,309
the same Christmas
heartbreak that I once did.
279
00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:16,239
♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪
280
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,779
♪ On the feast of Stephen. ♪
281
00:15:18,780 --> 00:15:22,260
Papa, sweet Papa,
may I sit on Santa's lap?
282
00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:23,819
Well, I don't know.
283
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:26,779
Santa Claus, giving away free toys,
284
00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:30,249
undercutting my friends,
Bill Mattel and Fred Hasbro.
285
00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:32,100
Please?
286
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:40,349
Well, what's on your
wish list, little boy?
287
00:15:40,350 --> 00:15:43,239
A Rockford sock monkey,
Studebaker pedal car,
288
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,279
or the most popular gift
this year, an orange.
289
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,649
All I want is a hug from my mommy
290
00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:50,540
and a smile from my daddy.
291
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:53,620
Oh, well I'm sure there's
a hug and a smile
292
00:15:53,630 --> 00:15:55,779
on their way to you right now.
293
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:57,129
Ho, ho, ho.
294
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:58,707
Next.
295
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,629
What do you want for Christmas?
296
00:16:00,630 --> 00:16:03,369
I want you to marry my mom
like you said you would.
297
00:16:03,370 --> 00:16:04,379
Next!
298
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:05,780
_
299
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,270
Christmas day came...
300
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:25,239
I'm here to take you to boarding school.
301
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,862
- On Christmas Day?
- Hey, no traffic.
302
00:16:31,180 --> 00:16:32,899
The next time I saw my parents,
303
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,953
they weren't in a smiling mood.
304
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:39,920
Too late!
305
00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:43,709
You two never gave me
anything except $100 million.
306
00:16:43,710 --> 00:16:44,979
Santa lied.
307
00:16:44,980 --> 00:16:47,509
But, Monty, you misunderstood me.
308
00:16:47,510 --> 00:16:48,929
Ho, ho, ho.
309
00:16:48,930 --> 00:16:51,199
Santa? It can't be.
310
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,637
Monty, it's 1935,
311
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,309
and this is Gimbels Department Store,
312
00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:58,379
with the toy train in the window
313
00:16:58,380 --> 00:17:00,599
and Maxie the elevator man.
314
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,079
You're looking at the
lingerie department.
315
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,439
You can look. It's okay.
316
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,989
Yes. Yes. Yes! I am a child again.
317
00:17:09,990 --> 00:17:12,059
And the truth is, your
parents did love you,
318
00:17:12,060 --> 00:17:14,829
not with hugs and kisses,
but with something better...
319
00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:16,289
they made you strong.
320
00:17:16,290 --> 00:17:18,749
Where are all the other
tycoons from your day?
321
00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:22,619
Broke, dead, a lot of #MeToo.
322
00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:26,509
But you're the richest,
most ruthless man in town,
323
00:17:26,510 --> 00:17:29,007
thanks to your parents' love.
324
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,094
It's true.
325
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,559
Smithers, it's Christmas,
326
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,806
which is a work day for
you, so help me out.
327
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:41,184
- And it's my birthday.
- Don't expect two presents.
328
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:44,899
- ♪ Christmas ♪
- ♪ The snow's coming down ♪
329
00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:48,799
- ♪ Christmas ♪
- ♪ I'm watching it fall ♪
330
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:49,959
♪ Christmas... ♪
331
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,619
My raisins came!
332
00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:53,899
Mmm!
333
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:55,366
Well, at least he's eating.
334
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,280
♪ Christmas... ♪
335
00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:01,439
Huzzah for Mr. Burns!
336
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,699
God bless us, every one.
337
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,876
Seriously, this is, this is really nice.
338
00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:07,545
_
339
00:18:08,610 --> 00:18:10,559
We did it.
340
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,716
Got all the presents under the tree.
341
00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:16,539
I'm lucky because no one
could possibly steal my gift.
342
00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:19,119
All I want is one peaceful moment
343
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,729
to hold my wife in my arms.
344
00:18:21,730 --> 00:18:23,143
Aw.
345
00:18:23,144 --> 00:18:25,999
It's Christmas!
346
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,349
Awake already?
347
00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:32,180
- Slide whistle.
- Kazoo!
348
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,669
Meet me in the basement.
349
00:18:38,670 --> 00:18:40,179
Okay.
350
00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:41,840
Picture time.
351
00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:45,230
_
352
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:52,529
Janey, haven't you learned
that silly tune yet?
353
00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:55,008
You play it over and over
again. Now stop it, stop it!
354
00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:57,189
That girl is pretty bad at the piano.
355
00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:01,199
Ugh. Hello, Cassandra.
356
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,279
I brought you a Christmas present.
357
00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:09,299
I know who you are, and
I know what you've done,
358
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:11,409
and I want you to kiss me.
359
00:19:11,410 --> 00:19:15,079
- ♪ You really should go ♪
- ♪ It's 20 below ♪
360
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:18,959
- ♪ I can't have you here ♪
- ♪ Just get me a beer ♪
361
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,399
- ♪ I'm being a gent ♪
- ♪ I'm giving consent ♪
362
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:25,060
♪ You are quite inviting ♪
363
00:19:25,070 --> 00:19:28,049
♪ I will put it in writing ♪
364
00:19:28,050 --> 00:19:29,459
_
365
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:33,600
♪ Baby, it's cold outside. ♪
366
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:42,189
Yarr. Will someone turn
on the damn light?!
367
00:19:42,190 --> 00:19:45,119
A little late, don't you think?
368
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,477
Yarr!
369
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,019
Steve. Psst. Steve. Wait.
370
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:56,139
Sorry, I'm just about ready
to leave your wonderful town.
371
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:59,479
Great place. Fantastic!
372
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,199
The best Springfield
I've ever been in. Whoo!
373
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,369
Whoo-hoo!
374
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,455
Can you teach me to do that?
375
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:08,373
- _
- Do what? This is just me.
376
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:12,711
Fantastic coffee! Send
a truckful to Seattle.
377
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:15,269
How can you possibly be so happy?
378
00:20:15,270 --> 00:20:18,679
- It's in you, too.
- I really don't think so.
379
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,609
Monty, look me in the eye.
380
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:22,640
I don't know if I can.
381
00:20:26,010 --> 00:20:27,829
You're amazingly alive,
382
00:20:27,830 --> 00:20:30,519
you're rich beyond any sense of justice,
383
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:34,719
you're C. Montgomery Burns.
384
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,339
- Whoo!
- Whoo.
385
00:20:36,340 --> 00:20:39,690
Ow!
386
00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:42,169
Hurt yourself on the landing, huh?
387
00:20:42,170 --> 00:20:43,739
No, on the way up.
388
00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:48,740
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
389
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:53,390
_
390
00:20:53,410 --> 00:20:57,400
_
391
00:20:57,420 --> 00:21:01,900
_
392
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,740
_
393
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:09,580
_
394
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:13,410
_
395
00:21:13,430 --> 00:21:17,170
_
396
00:21:17,190 --> 00:21:20,840
_
397
00:21:20,860 --> 00:21:24,510
_
398
00:21:24,530 --> 00:21:29,121
_