1
00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:06,297
CHORUS SINGS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:07,298
(tires screeching)
3
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,301
D’oh!
4
00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:11,302
(screams)
5
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:12,846
(tires screeching)
6
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,448
Dad, are you sure
you’re okay to drive at night?
7
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:32,407
It’s night?!
8
00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,950
All right, that’s it. Pull over.
9
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:34,909
Now don’t you worry.
10
00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:36,745
Just sit back and relax
11
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:41,374
to the smooth sounds of Tommy
Dorsey’s All-White Orchestra.
12
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:42,292
♪ ♪
13
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,419
Son, let this
music take you
14
00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:46,629
to a time when girls were girls
15
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,257
and a Hershey bar was
as thick as a phone book.
16
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,842
I’m sick of this song!
17
00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:52,844
♪ Catch a falling star and... ♪
18
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:55,221
I don’t like this one either--
too optimistic!
19
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,556
Too slow!
20
00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:57,515
Too fast!
21
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,100
No zazz!
22
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,727
Too much zazz!
23
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:01,644
More boogie!
24
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:02,687
Less woogie!
25
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:03,980
My back hurts!
26
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,940
All my friends
are dead!
27
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,319
(screaming)
28
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:14,115
-Nice one.
-Thanks.
29
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,618
-Oh, no,
we’re gonna die.
-(screaming)
30
00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,119
(sighs)
31
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:20,288
-Oh, no,
we’re gonna die.
-(screaming)
32
00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:21,623
(sighs)
33
00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,042
Oh, no...
34
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:26,753
(both sigh)
35
00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:29,255
(engine puttering)
36
00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,257
(tires screeching)
37
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,094
(both scream)
38
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,178
(glass shattering)
39
00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,180
(groaning)
40
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(wheezing)
41
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,438
(coughs)
42
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,190
Son, call me
an ambulance.
43
00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:52,904
And while I’m in the hospital,
44
00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:54,864
you’ll have to visit me
every day.
45
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,699
And then I’ll have to come
live with you
46
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,451
while I recover.
47
00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:01,913
Eventually I’ll die
in your home,
48
00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:05,291
which’ll hurt the resale value,
but it’ll all be...
49
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,793
(muffled moaning)
50
00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:14,759
LISA:
Dad?
51
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,553
Dad? Wake up!
52
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,304
Who’s... what, who?
53
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,723
Oh, I was having the
most wonderful dream.
54
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:24,102
I always wake up
just before the good part.
55
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,311
You can just drop me off here.
56
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,816
I’ll see you
later, honey.
57
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:32,652
(snoring)
58
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,612
(mumbling)
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00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,699
(doorbell rings)
60
00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:38,867
Er, uh, yes?
61
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:42,036
I’m delivering your Scout
Gal Cookies, Mayor Quimby!
62
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,705
That’ll be $30.
63
00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:45,540
For three boxes?
64
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,041
The money helps us
serve the community.
65
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,626
We plant trees,
pick up litter,
66
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,336
cut up milk bones
for old dogs...
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00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,297
It was rhetorical question.
68
00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:54,549
And I used rhetoric
in my answer?
69
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:55,633
(sighs)
70
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:56,926
Let’s just move on.
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00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,344
(lock clicking)
72
00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:01,097
27 to the left and open.
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00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,724
(door squeals)
74
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,017
(mouse chittering)
75
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,977
Where’s
all the money?
76
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:06,936
Why, it’s right...
77
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,021
Uh-oh.
78
00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:09,314
We spent all our money
79
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:10,982
on that new slogan
for Springfield.
80
00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:12,984
Eh.
81
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:15,486
Um, what say you
leave the cookies,
82
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:18,031
and I pay you double
next year?
83
00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,490
Sir, I didn’t get this
84
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:20,783
"skepticism"
merit badge
85
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,619
falling for promises like that.
86
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,621
If you don’t give me
those cookies,
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00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,623
I’ll pass a law
forcing your organization
88
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,333
to accept gay scout leaders.
89
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:29,876
I would strongly support
that measure.
90
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,044
Just give me those cookies!
91
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:32,545
(grunting)
92
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,922
-You get it...
-Let go.
93
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,341
This is a low point
for my administration.
94
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,176
-(grunting)
-No. You give it.
95
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,553
People of Springfield,
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00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,013
our city is broke.
97
00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:42,847
(all gasp)
98
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:43,723
Uh, when you say broke,
99
00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:44,849
do you mean really broke,
100
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,476
or uh, "O.J. Simpson broke"?
101
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,977
Really broke!
102
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,271
I’ve been reduced to using
this cheap novelty gavel.
103
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,689
(squeaking)
104
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,441
(laughing)
105
00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:54,901
Order! Order!
106
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:56,945
Homer Simpson.
107
00:03:57,028 --> 00:04:00,240
I know a lot of you from church
and the market and such.
108
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:03,117
And I’m not much for talkin’,
but seems to me,
109
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:06,579
in hard times like these
that we Americans come together.
110
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,164
(indistinct chatter)
111
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,917
So I say we roll up our sleeves,
112
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,752
and fake a disaster
113
00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:15,129
to trick the federal government
out of relief money.
114
00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:16,714
(people murmuring)
115
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:19,092
Rip off the federal government?
116
00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:21,761
Mmm, I have reservations...
117
00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,554
for dinner in five minutes.
118
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:24,806
So all in favor, say "aye"!
119
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:25,848
ALL:
Aye!
120
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,809
The "ayes" have it.
121
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,689
Now, when exactly
122
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:34,482
did the hurricane pass
through your town?
123
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,192
Er, uh, five minutes ago.
124
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,610
You just missed it.
125
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:40,196
FEMA will help you
rebuild this town.
126
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,614
(cheering)
127
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,075
Your first $10 million
will arrive
128
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:46,286
as soon as you submit this form,
129
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,871
and the, uh,
$2,500 processing fee.
130
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:51,833
-Mm-hmm.
-And that’s how
131
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:55,253
a fake FEMA official scammed us
out of $2,500.
132
00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,088
We are now worse than broke.
133
00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:58,965
(murmuring)
134
00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:00,925
LISA:
Panic not, fellow
Springfielders!
135
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,760
I’ve gone through the town’s
financial records,
136
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,554
and it turns out
there are millions
137
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,556
in uncollected city taxes.
138
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,016
Hmm.
139
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,019
We shall collect each
and every back tax owed!
140
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,270
Everyone from...
141
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:15,023
Comic Book Guy to...
142
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:17,650
...Milhouse!
143
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,193
No one shall be spared!
144
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,820
Dozens of swindling deadbeats,
145
00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:22,530
as well as this respected
reporter
146
00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:25,325
who made an honest mistake,
have paid their back taxes,
147
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,910
leaving only one
outstanding debtor:
148
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,455
country music star
Lurleen Lumpkin,
149
00:05:30,538 --> 00:05:32,040
seen here at the height
of her fame.
150
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:36,419
♪ Bunk with me
tonight, Kermit ♪
151
00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,464
♪ Bunk with me
tonight... ♪
152
00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:40,506
(gulps)
153
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,091
Uh, really, Lurleen?
154
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,634
(karate yell)
155
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,470
Hey, Dad,
156
00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:47,263
that’s the singer
you used to manage!
157
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,307
Oh, right.
158
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:51,517
Dad was Colonel Homer
and he wore that awesome suit
159
00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,519
and Lurleen wanted
to bunk his brains out!
160
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,396
But I forget how Mom felt
about it.
161
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,440
(grunting)
162
00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,525
Kids, marriage is
like a car.
163
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:02,153
Along the way it has
its bumps and dings,
164
00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,738
and this country
can’t make one
165
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,573
that lasts more
than five years.
166
00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:08,326
With Lurleen I just
walked past the showroom
167
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,578
and didn’t even go
inside.
168
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:12,955
Now let’s return
to watching the news.
169
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,958
Ms. Lumpkin owed $50,000
in back taxes.
170
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,961
With penalties, interest and
the celebrity resentment tax,
171
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,631
that sum has grown
to $12 million.
172
00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,633
However, she’s been missing
for several years,
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00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:26,386
since her career went
into a downward spiral.
174
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,513
I told her not to go
into one of those.
175
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,515
The entire city
is searching for her.
176
00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:32,725
Not for any reward,
but for the pleasure
177
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,894
of destroying someone
they once admired.
178
00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:37,522
Save some for me!
179
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:41,442
(grunts)
180
00:06:45,696 --> 00:06:47,365
Got her!
181
00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:50,576
Krusty?
182
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,787
I just want to win
one thing in my life!
183
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:53,996
It’s not real.
184
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,498
Don’t you dare ruin
the moment!
185
00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,211
(scoffs)
Look at those idiots.
186
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:03,297
I bet Lurleen’s a million miles
away right now.
187
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,382
-Hey, Homer.
-(screams)
188
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:05,800
Shh! I’m more wanted
189
00:07:05,883 --> 00:07:07,510
than the last petal
on a bloomin’ onion.
190
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,720
Don’t worry.
You can stay with us.
191
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:11,139
I’m sure Marge
will be cool.
192
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:13,141
(tires screeching)
193
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,143
(garage door whirring)
194
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,145
MARGE:
(muffled yelling)
195
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,149
HOMER:
(muffled shouting)
196
00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:24,902
MARGE:
(muffled yelling):
...get her out of here!
197
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,487
HOMER (muffled):
But...
198
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,284
I’m taking you
to your home,
199
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:32,660
before you wreck mine!
200
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,706
You live here?
201
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,751
Bye, Marge.
202
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,631
Well, at least
she’s got a friend.
203
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:48,426
It’s your turn
to clean the toilet.
204
00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:50,428
Where is it?
205
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:51,929
You’re holding it.
206
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,723
-(screams)
-(tires screeching)
207
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,559
Get in!
208
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,144
Oh, come on.
209
00:07:58,227 --> 00:07:59,562
Thanks, Marge.
210
00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:02,106
Gee, after all that’s passed
between us, I mean...
211
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,192
Well, you’re a bigger
woman than I am.
212
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,359
Are you calling me fat?
213
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:06,777
No, no, no!
214
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,446
I’ll just be quiet.
215
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,452
Lurleen, this barbecue
is delicious!
216
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,454
Oh, it’s a traditional
Southern recipe:
217
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:20,166
ketchup, Coca-Cola,
and fricasseed possum.
218
00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:21,375
ALL:
Ew!
219
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:22,460
Just kiddin’.
220
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:23,503
It’s actually
chicken.
221
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,837
Double ew!
222
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,506
Well, I think it’s wonderful.
223
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,549
My diet starts tomorrow!
224
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,552
Listen, I’m sorry I called you
all those mean things
225
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,222
like... oh, I don’t
even remember.
226
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,181
Confederate degenerate?
227
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:36,224
Southern-fried succubus?
228
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,350
Hee-haw ho?
229
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:39,185
(chuckles)
230
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,937
Oh, that’s
all right, Marge.
231
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,730
I’m just so grateful
232
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:45,149
that y’all took me in
and hid me from...
233
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,859
CHIEF WIGGUM:
Freeze, Patsy Crime!
234
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,402
Ha!
235
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:49,445
(moans)
236
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,446
(all gasping)
237
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,365
-(bones cracking)
-Chief, you okay?
238
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,199
Yeah, yeah.
239
00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:54,534
Why’d you jump
off the roof?
240
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,702
I just wanted
to be extraordinary.
241
00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,541
Your Honor, I would love to pay
the money I owe,
242
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:04,794
but country music changed,
and I went out of style.
243
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:06,003
Objection!
244
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:07,588
Speculating
on the trajectory
245
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,257
of trends
in country music.
246
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,258
I’m going to allow it.
247
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,926
Lurleen,
the court orders you
248
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:13,970
to make payments
of a hundred dollars a week
249
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,973
till such time as your music
comes back in style
250
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,849
or becomes appreciated
for its camp value.
251
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,936
All right, what’s the next case?
252
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:23,771
Judge, next we have a man
253
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,524
who is suing his wife
for not dressing sexy enough
254
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,818
in "The Case
of the Horny Husband."
255
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:29,819
What the...?
256
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,195
Well,
257
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,197
I thought if we acted
like The People’s Court,
258
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,491
some day we’d
be The People’s Court.
259
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,202
And, uh, well,
a bailiff can dream, can’t he?
260
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,787
No, he can’t.
261
00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,582
I don’t get it, Lurleen.
How did you lose all your money?
262
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:43,708
Did it go up your nose?
263
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:46,168
-Between your toes?
-Sadly, no.
264
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,004
Most of my money went
to my ex-husbands.
265
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,886
Boy, you sure have married
a lot of super-hunks.
266
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,346
Well, from now on,
267
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,682
the only thing I’m gonna be
married to is my work.
268
00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,851
I’ve already accepted
"a high-octane job
269
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,352
in the nightlife industry."
270
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,772
All right, I need you
to get the rats
outta the jukebox,
271
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:09,358
and clean the vomit out
of the pool table pockets,
272
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,526
and then you
got the job.
273
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,529
Oh, and you’ve gotta share
your tips with Manuel,
274
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,407
who’s, uh, actually me
with a fake moustache.
275
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:19,285
(in Spanish accent):
Es good job.
You should take it.
276
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:20,620
(sighs)
277
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,496
Say, Lurleen,
are you Jamaican?
278
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,206
’Cause "Jamaican" me crazy.
279
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:27,335
That’s sweet,
but I’m not lookin’ to date.
280
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:28,669
No, I’m glad you said that.
281
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:29,962
’Cause you reminded me
282
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,088
that I’m not looking
to date, either.
283
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,715
So... so great.
284
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,925
Hey, Lurleen, I’m going down
to the rock quarry tonight
285
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,177
to throw stones
at the woodchucks.
286
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:38,012
-Want to come?
-No.
287
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,722
That’s okay.
I understand.
288
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:42,600
Someone’s lookin’
at a snake in her mailbox.
289
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:43,517
MARGE:
She turned down
290
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,394
Lenny and Carl?
291
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,604
That’s like someone
292
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,190
who doesn’t like
hamburgers or hot dogs.
293
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:51,817
What could make her
hate men like that?
294
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,236
(guitar strumming
country song)
295
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,947
♪ I was cryin’ in my cradle ♪
296
00:10:57,031 --> 00:11:00,242
♪ When my daddy hopped a train ♪
297
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:05,831
♪ He left a hole in my heart
and filled it up with pain ♪
298
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:09,418
♪ I know no amount
of liquor ♪
299
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,963
♪ Will soothe
my achin’ ticker ♪
300
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:16,092
♪ ’Cause the love
for my deadbeat daddy ♪
301
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:19,929
♪ Is still pumpin’
through my veins ♪
302
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,347
(song ends, Lurleen sighs)
303
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,015
So that’s it.
304
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,810
She’s been burned by
the most important
man in her life--
305
00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:27,228
her father.
306
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:29,355
How could a man
just abandon his family?
307
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:32,191
By which I mean,
what is the method he would use,
308
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,567
and could anyone do it?
309
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,237
(laughs and mutters)
310
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,738
Wh-Where you going?
311
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:40,032
Lurleen Lumpkin has
a hole in her heart,
312
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,826
and I’m gonna
fill it.
313
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,245
(sighs)
314
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,664
I’ve talked to over 500 men
named Lumpkin.
315
00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,667
Everyone at Lumpkin, Lumpkin
and Rosenthal Associates,
316
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:53,879
an Asian or Pacific Islander
named Cho Lum Kin...
317
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,090
Good luck
in searchings!
318
00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:58,426
...but still no sign
of Lurleen’s dad!
319
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,638
Hello.
320
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,932
Are you Royce Lumpkin?
321
00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:08,018
-That’s right.
-The father
of Lurleen Lumpkin?
322
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,228
Lurleen?
323
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:10,229
(sighs)
324
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,815
I ain’t seen my little girl
in 30 years.
325
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:15,443
She must be what, uh,
12, 13 by now?
326
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,446
She’s 34,
and she’s having a rough time!
327
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,322
Oh, man.
328
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,868
I better whiskey up
these corn flakes.
329
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:26,203
She needs to see you right away!
330
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,830
Oh, man.
331
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,915
I better heroin up
this orange juice.
332
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,630
(birds singing)
333
00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:38,424
(goofy male humming
and rhythmic clapping)
334
00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:42,386
(gasps)
335
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,890
There’s only one man
who can hambone like that.
336
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,350
(humming)
337
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,351
Daddy!
338
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,148
Lurleen?! My goodness.
339
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:58,694
Why, you’re the spittin’ image
of your mother’s hotter sister!
340
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,238
-(grunts)
-Royce Lumpkin,
where you been?
341
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,073
I’ve been a dang fool.
That’s where.
342
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:04,617
(clears throat)
343
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,410
Can you forgive me, Lurleen?
344
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,788
The way that I immediately
forgave myself?
345
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,918
Ooh!
346
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:15,169
(sighs)
347
00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:17,171
I can, Daddy!
348
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:19,256
ROYCE:
Mmm!
349
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,300
I made that hug happen!
350
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,676
Wait a minute.
351
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,094
He’s a deadbeat dad,
352
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,597
and yet, he’s getting
as much love as me,
353
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,516
a dad too lazy
to run away!
354
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:32,770
And he has hair! Oh!
355
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:35,105
Bart, get me
my suicide axe.
356
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,607
No suicide axe!
357
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:37,900
Oh.
358
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:39,276
Later.
359
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,826
You know what I like best
about this T-shirt?
360
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,744
I’ll always
be able to see
361
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,746
your face.
362
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,998
Oh, well, you don’t
need a T-shirt
363
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,625
for that, Tootsie Pop,
364
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,836
’cause I ain’t ever
gonna leave you again.
365
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,381
Just sit still
in my lap!
366
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,007
What lap?
367
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,634
Yeah, all I see is
a gut with knees!
368
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:04,844
Why you little...
369
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:06,846
(Homer grunting,
Bart and Lisa laughing)
370
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:09,640
Get back here so we can put
our love on a shirt!
371
00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:10,558
(camera shutter clicks)
372
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:14,228
(both cackling)
373
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:15,145
What?
374
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,314
Lurleen’s daddy
comes back after 30 years,
375
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,191
and he’s father of the year.
376
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,568
Why can’t I leave for 30 years?
377
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:21,777
Fine with me.
378
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,195
Look, I packed
you a bag.
379
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:24,738
Well, it might be
cold outside.
380
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:27,199
No problem.
I bought you a hat.
381
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:28,576
Oh, I see.
382
00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:29,869
It’s reverse psychology.
383
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,203
Well, in that case,
384
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:34,039
I’m not going,
and I’m not staying.
385
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,208
And I’ll cut my steak
with a spoon,
386
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:39,086
then take a walk
on the ceiling.
387
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,297
(both laughing)
388
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,216
Oh, Daddy, you made me
the happiest girl
389
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,719
on whichever side of
the Mississippi this is.
390
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:50,472
And last night, I wrote
this song just for you.
391
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,224
(strumming upbeat
country song)
392
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:57,688
♪ For 30 years you made me cry ♪
393
00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:01,483
♪ But now I see
you ain’t such a bad guy ♪
394
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:06,322
♪ I haven’t felt this good
since the Lord knows when ♪
395
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:07,865
(goofy humming)
396
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:11,076
♪ And I’m sure
you got a million reasons ♪
397
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,496
♪ For being gone
a hundred-twenty seasons ♪
398
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,165
♪ My daddy’s back ♪
399
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:19,752
♪ And I’m feelin’
like a daughter again ♪
400
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:21,629
(stomach squeaks
rhythmically)
401
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:23,464
♪ Yeah, Daddy’s back ♪
402
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,674
♪ And I’m feelin’
like a daughter ♪
403
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,176
♪ Daddy’s back ♪
404
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,470
♪ And she’s feelin’
like she oughter ♪
405
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:30,888
♪ Daddy’s back ♪
406
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,223
♪ And he’s drinking
bottled water ♪
407
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,976
♪ Keep it down,
I’m reading Harry Potter ♪
408
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:39,730
♪ My body wash
is Estée Lauder ♪
409
00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:44,276
♪ Daddy’s back and I’m feelin’
like a daughter again! ♪
410
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,070
(song ends)
411
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,364
♪ And here comes Grampa
with an otter! ♪
412
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:49,865
Song’s over, Dad.
413
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,785
Oh! I took three
buses to get here.
414
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:54,328
(crickets chirping)
415
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,545
(floorboards creaking)
416
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,965
(quietly):
♪ Daddy’s a deadbeat ♪
417
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:09,093
♪ He’s leaving
his daughter again ♪
418
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,010
(door squeaks)
419
00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:17,184
I’m really worried
about Lurleen.
420
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,936
Yeah, me, too.
421
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,854
Since her father
re-abandoned her,
422
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:24,024
she’s cut the word "pop"
out of all of our foods.
423
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,367
You’d think a house full
of crazy people would be fun.
424
00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:34,785
It’s actually really depressing.
425
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:36,787
(sighs)
426
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,124
(sobbing quietly)
427
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,750
Aw, cheer up.
428
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,419
You still got your talent,
429
00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:46,672
and that new song you wrote
is gonna be a really big hit.
430
00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:48,549
Here’s a new song
that’s rising faster
431
00:16:48,632 --> 00:16:50,759
than a rocket
with a rocket up its butt.
432
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,803
It’s from the Dixie Chicks!
433
00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:56,306
(strumming song with same melody
as "Daddy’s Back")
434
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,727
♪ We said some things
that came out wrong ♪
435
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:03,731
♪ But now we’ve got
a brand-new song ♪
436
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:09,236
♪ ’Cause free speech needs
curtailin’ now and then ♪
437
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:13,615
♪ We pledge allegiance
to Fox News ♪
438
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,952
♪ Please take away
our right to choose... ♪
439
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,204
Ooh, that sounds
just like my song,
440
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,332
but how could
they have heard...?
441
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,501
(gasps)
Daddy!
442
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:25,836
♪ America’s back ♪
443
00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:29,089
♪ And we’re feeling
patri-otter again ♪
444
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,632
♪ ♪
445
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:32,051
♪ America’s back ♪
446
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:34,636
♪ And we’re feeling
patri-otter ♪
447
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,513
♪ Freedom’s a germ
and we’re ♪
448
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,390
♪ Glad that we caught ’er ♪
449
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:39,641
♪ Liberty has ♪
450
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,602
♪ Never looked hotter ♪
451
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,312
♪ I used to love ♪
452
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,938
♪ Welcome Back Kotter ♪
453
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,440
♪ America’s back ♪
454
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,777
♪ And we’re feeling
patri-otter again! ♪
455
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,528
(song ends)
456
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,030
Take it away, Royce!
457
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:54,615
He wrote
this song!
458
00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:57,910
(fast-paced instrumental
interlude and goofy humming)
459
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:06,919
-Hey!
-(song ends)
460
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,881
If you need me,
I’ll be...
461
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,591
Oh, who am I kidding?
462
00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:14,593
No one needs me.
463
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,559
(door squeaking)
464
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,686
(spurs jangling)
465
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,355
(gasps)
Colonel Homer!
466
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:27,981
And Major Marge!
467
00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:29,566
Well, I don’t...
468
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,152
Lurleen, you’re giving
your dad too much power
469
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,905
over the way
you feel about yourself.
470
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:38,033
Stop getting your self-esteem
from the men in your life.
471
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,119
Well, that’s easy
for you to say.
472
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:42,204
You’re married to a
kind, thoughtful genius.
473
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:43,997
Uh, yeah...
474
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:48,168
Marge, my fringes
are knotted again.
475
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:50,420
There’s only one
person in the world
476
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,339
who can tell you
what to do.
477
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,299
And that person
is right here!
478
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:56,051
Santa Claus?!
479
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,971
No, no, that’s just our
old Christmas decorations.
480
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,222
(grunts)
481
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:01,974
-Huh?
-Me?!
482
00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:03,725
Yes!
483
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,519
It’s time for you
to take control
484
00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:06,979
of your own destiny.
485
00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:08,564
You’re not a doormat.
486
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,691
You’re a door prize!
487
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:12,276
You’re right, Marge.
488
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,111
And remember,
you can do anything
489
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,238
you want in the world
of country music,
490
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:19,283
Western wear merchandising
and TV movies.
491
00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:21,160
Regular movies--
don’t hold your breath.
492
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,662
But TV movies--
the sky’s the limit.
493
00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:26,999
Colonel, you’re still my knight
in white polyester.
494
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:28,584
Ten percent Lycra.
495
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:29,918
Oh, I noticed.
496
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,254
Congratulations!
497
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,339
That song I wrote you
was so patriotic,
498
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:36,466
they decided to make it
into a Chevy commercial,
499
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,136
so I, uh, changed a few lines.
500
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:41,889
I don’t know.
501
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,266
You’re asking us
to sell out our song.
502
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:45,350
And for what?
503
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,852
-Cash money.
-(all gasping)
504
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,812
Money?
Ooh, we love money!
505
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,314
Really?
That’s great!
506
00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:52,524
I’m gonna buy me
a clock radio!
507
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:53,901
Royce Boss Hogg Lumpkin,
508
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,611
you are a thief!
509
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,446
A dirty, rotten, lowdown...
510
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:01,033
I think I can say it
better with this.
511
00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:02,242
(grunts)
512
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:03,744
No, no, no, don’t
hit him in the head!
513
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:05,871
He needs that to
think up our songs.
514
00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:09,666
I’m Lurleen Lumpkin,
and he stole your song from me!
515
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,126
-What?!
-What?!
-What?!
516
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,044
(gasping)
517
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:15,005
Okay, maybe I abandoned
my daughter
518
00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:16,590
and stole her song,
519
00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:18,717
but I’m still the
most honorable
record producer
520
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:19,885
y’all have
ever met.
521
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:21,470
Well, he’s
got us there.
522
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,722
Still, in human terms,
he’s deplorable.
523
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,266
Let’s make guitar
picks out of him!
524
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:28,185
-(women growling)
-No!
525
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:29,645
I’m droppin’ y’all
as clients. Ow!
526
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,313
(birds singing)
527
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:34,274
Oh, I can’t thank
you guys enough.
528
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,526
Now I’m opening
for the Dixie Chicks,
529
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,821
and I may have just met
husband #4.
530
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,698
Babe, need a hundred
bucks for beer.
531
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:46,161
Ooh, I think he’s a keeper.
532
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,163
Well, you’re very
welcome, Lurleen.
533
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,290
Of all the women
who’ve hit on Homer
534
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:52,960
over the years,
you’re my favorite.
535
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,378
ALL:
Aw.
536
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:57,256
If you ever come
near Homer again,
537
00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:00,384
I’ll strangle you
with your own hair extensions.
538
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:03,887
That’s right. I know.
539
00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:09,518
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
540
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:12,187
♪ We said some things
that came out wrong ♪
541
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,774
♪ But now we’ve got
a brand-new song ♪
542
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:21,738
♪ ’Cause free speech needs
curtailin’ now and then ♪
543
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:25,909
♪ We pledge allegiance
to Fox News ♪
544
00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,787
♪ Please take away
our right to choose ♪
545
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,123
♪ America’s back ♪
546
00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:34,668
♪ And we’re feeling
patri-otter again ♪
547
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:37,671
♪ America’s back ♪
548
00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:39,256
♪ And we’re feeling
patri-otter ♪
549
00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:41,341
♪ Freedom’s a germ ♪
550
00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:43,427
♪ And we’re glad
that we caught ’er ♪
551
00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:46,555
♪ Liberty has never
looked hotter ♪
552
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,598
♪ America’s back ♪
553
00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:52,936
♪ And we’re feeling
patri-otter again! ♪
554
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,106
Enhanced by Fotokem