1 00:00:03,651 --> 00:00:05,083 Yee-haw-ho-ho! 2 00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:19,885 ♪ The Simpsons 26x09 ♪ I Won't Be Home for Christmas Original Air Date on December 7, 2014 3 00:00:19,909 --> 00:00:26,409 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 4 00:01:07,448 --> 00:01:08,847 D'oh! 5 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,160 Ay, caramba! 6 00:01:25,799 --> 00:01:27,799 Carrot. 7 00:01:50,024 --> 00:01:52,591 You are about to see the worst half-hour 8 00:01:52,626 --> 00:01:54,426 of television ever. 9 00:01:54,461 --> 00:01:56,094 All righty then. 10 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,667 Okay, R3, let's serve up some soup. 11 00:02:04,805 --> 00:02:07,773 May the sauce be with you. 12 00:02:07,808 --> 00:02:09,474 Oh, since when is soup sauce? 13 00:02:09,510 --> 00:02:11,476 This is so non-canonical. 14 00:02:11,512 --> 00:02:14,246 You have every right to be furious. 15 00:02:18,819 --> 00:02:20,319 Oh, it's as bad as I remembered, 16 00:02:20,354 --> 00:02:22,654 and I haven't watched it since yesterday. 17 00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:25,657 Horrible, yet enthralling. 18 00:02:25,693 --> 00:02:27,159 Hooray! 19 00:02:27,194 --> 00:02:29,695 A card from Dr. Hibbert. 20 00:02:33,701 --> 00:02:35,600 Phew. 21 00:02:35,636 --> 00:02:38,036 Oh. 22 00:02:39,506 --> 00:02:41,039 I'll be right home, honey. 23 00:02:41,075 --> 00:02:44,009 I just got to lock down the reactor for the evening. 24 00:02:48,916 --> 00:02:50,716 Tight as a drum. 25 00:02:51,986 --> 00:02:53,685 See you soon. 26 00:02:53,721 --> 00:02:56,021 Bart, hold the ladder still! 27 00:03:01,595 --> 00:03:02,794 Oh! 28 00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:04,363 Wish Homer was here. 29 00:03:05,432 --> 00:03:06,531 Simpson! 30 00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:07,866 Mr. Scrooge! 31 00:03:07,901 --> 00:03:10,535 Time for your holiday gift. Ooh! 32 00:03:10,571 --> 00:03:13,171 In your name, a donation has been made... 33 00:03:13,207 --> 00:03:14,840 ...to the Salvation Army. 34 00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:16,608 Also, you will be visited 35 00:03:16,643 --> 00:03:18,577 by three spirits tonight. 36 00:03:18,612 --> 00:03:20,312 No, wait. That's my schedule. 37 00:03:20,347 --> 00:03:22,581 Smithers, We need to cancel the 10:30 spirit. 38 00:03:22,616 --> 00:03:23,749 Yes, sir. 39 00:03:26,220 --> 00:03:28,320 Hello. 40 00:03:28,355 --> 00:03:29,355 Heading home, baby. 41 00:03:29,356 --> 00:03:30,722 Nothing's gonna stop me now. 42 00:03:35,362 --> 00:03:37,195 Maybe a drink 43 00:03:37,231 --> 00:03:39,631 will help me with my driving. 44 00:03:44,605 --> 00:03:47,072 Man, those things go off quick. 45 00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:49,207 ♪ Yo. ♪ 46 00:03:50,377 --> 00:03:51,877 ♪ Ah! ♪ 47 00:03:51,912 --> 00:03:53,578 ...and the baseball exclaimed 48 00:03:53,614 --> 00:03:55,680 as it flew out of sight, 49 00:03:55,716 --> 00:03:59,217 this ballpark is shorter in left field than right. 50 00:03:59,253 --> 00:04:00,952 Martinez swings and misses. 51 00:04:00,988 --> 00:04:03,889 Yes! I'm recording this during a game. 52 00:04:03,924 --> 00:04:05,257 Since the United States government 53 00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:07,659 declares this man to be Santa Claus, 54 00:04:07,694 --> 00:04:09,528 this court will not dispute it. 55 00:04:09,563 --> 00:04:11,396 Few people know that verdict 56 00:04:11,432 --> 00:04:14,199 was overturned in the sequel. 57 00:04:14,234 --> 00:04:16,935 I better be heading home to my family. 58 00:04:16,970 --> 00:04:19,971 Enjoy your evening with your wonderful... 59 00:04:20,007 --> 00:04:22,607 uh... neon sign. 60 00:04:22,643 --> 00:04:25,744 Yeah, last year I broke it just so the repairman would come. 61 00:04:25,779 --> 00:04:27,913 But I'll be fine. 62 00:04:29,583 --> 00:04:31,249 Hey, um, you gonna be okay? 63 00:04:31,285 --> 00:04:32,751 Oh, yeah, yeah. 64 00:04:32,786 --> 00:04:34,786 Super! 65 00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:39,691 It's just that... 66 00:04:39,726 --> 00:04:40,992 you know, I lost my ma 67 00:04:41,028 --> 00:04:42,961 at Christmas. 68 00:04:42,996 --> 00:04:45,363 She took me to a mall, and I never saw her again. 69 00:04:45,399 --> 00:04:46,679 But I'll never forget that image 70 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,467 of her bolting for the parking lot. 71 00:04:48,502 --> 00:04:50,535 Okay, okay. I'll stay for one beer. 72 00:04:50,571 --> 00:04:52,871 Oh, great, great. But don't do it out of pity. 73 00:04:52,906 --> 00:04:55,340 Pity! Pity! Have pity! 74 00:04:55,375 --> 00:04:57,709 Look, I'm wrapped around your leg here! 75 00:04:57,744 --> 00:04:59,377 Please! Please! Please! 76 00:04:59,413 --> 00:05:01,313 But I promised Marge. 77 00:05:01,348 --> 00:05:03,715 Now I'm sitting on your shoulders! Please! 78 00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:05,217 Okay, okay! 79 00:05:10,491 --> 00:05:11,823 Mom, where's Dad? 80 00:05:11,859 --> 00:05:13,892 I don't know. 81 00:05:13,927 --> 00:05:15,393 Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man! 82 00:05:15,429 --> 00:05:16,862 We do not want to set a precedent 83 00:05:16,897 --> 00:05:19,030 for fat guys being late tonight! 84 00:05:20,968 --> 00:05:23,935 ♪ Silent night ♪ 85 00:05:23,971 --> 00:05:27,205 ♪ Holy night... ♪ 86 00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:29,641 I'm happy on Christmas Eve. 87 00:05:29,676 --> 00:05:31,977 And for once it's not 'cause some drunk 88 00:05:32,012 --> 00:05:33,778 left a wallet on his stool. 89 00:05:33,814 --> 00:05:36,481 Uh-oh, this is starting to hurt. 90 00:05:42,022 --> 00:05:45,790 And now, Homer, it's only fair that I give yous a gift. 91 00:05:45,826 --> 00:05:49,594 I'm gonna set the clock in the bar to the correct time. 92 00:05:49,630 --> 00:05:51,730 Hey, what the... 93 00:05:51,765 --> 00:05:53,798 I am so late! 94 00:05:55,536 --> 00:05:57,669 Whoa, whoa. It's the night before Christmas! 95 00:05:57,704 --> 00:05:59,437 Stop stirring, you! 96 00:06:04,211 --> 00:06:05,844 One night. 97 00:06:05,879 --> 00:06:07,412 The one night of the year 98 00:06:07,447 --> 00:06:08,980 I want Homer home with his family, 99 00:06:09,016 --> 00:06:10,982 and he can't even do that. 100 00:06:11,018 --> 00:06:13,985 Christmas is a great time to dump him. 101 00:06:14,021 --> 00:06:16,788 If you do it now, you won't have to watch the Super Bowl. 102 00:06:22,563 --> 00:06:24,796 Homer Simpson! 103 00:06:24,831 --> 00:06:26,665 I never thought I'd say this 104 00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:27,966 to someone I cared for, 105 00:06:28,001 --> 00:06:29,968 much less my husband, 106 00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:31,670 but I'm saying it now. 107 00:06:31,705 --> 00:06:34,306 I don't want you here on Christmas! 108 00:06:34,341 --> 00:06:36,208 Marge, think about what you're saying. 109 00:06:36,243 --> 00:06:38,677 It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday. 110 00:06:38,712 --> 00:06:40,812 Out now! 111 00:06:43,217 --> 00:06:44,616 Yeah? Well, good luck 112 00:06:44,651 --> 00:06:46,851 assembling all those toys without me! 113 00:06:46,887 --> 00:06:48,453 We already did it. 114 00:06:48,488 --> 00:06:50,956 The ghost of Marge Future! 115 00:06:54,356 --> 00:06:55,588 She'll forgive me. 116 00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:57,323 Should I forgive him? 117 00:06:57,359 --> 00:06:58,825 Especially this time. 118 00:06:58,860 --> 00:07:00,493 Maybe not this time. 119 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,162 I mean it's Christmas. 120 00:07:03,198 --> 00:07:04,764 With his marriage in this much trouble, 121 00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:07,233 he's got a lot of thinking to do. 122 00:07:07,268 --> 00:07:10,603 I wonder if there's birds on the moon. 123 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:13,773 I miss Marge. 124 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,445 I wonder if Lou suspects that I was his Secret Santa. 125 00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:21,080 What kind of a cheapskate gives you 126 00:07:21,116 --> 00:07:23,249 one corncob holder for Christmas? 127 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:31,190 Moe, what are you doing? 128 00:07:31,226 --> 00:07:33,960 ♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪ 129 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,828 ♪ On the feast... ♪ 130 00:07:35,864 --> 00:07:37,864 Voice too poor for karaoke. 131 00:07:37,899 --> 00:07:40,466 Shutting down. 132 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,668 Bye now. Oh, my God. 133 00:07:42,704 --> 00:07:45,104 Santa brought me just what I asked for! 134 00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:49,008 Hmm. "239." 135 00:07:49,043 --> 00:07:50,710 Who's he fooling? 136 00:07:51,946 --> 00:07:53,413 Hmm... Hmm. 137 00:07:53,448 --> 00:07:54,614 Hmm! 138 00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:55,982 Mm-hmm. 139 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,819 Hey, pal. Can't believe you have to work Christmas Eve. 140 00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,888 Well, if you're here for a last minute gift, 141 00:08:01,923 --> 00:08:03,890 we have a cell phone holder that fits 142 00:08:03,925 --> 00:08:06,392 no cell phone made after 2002. 143 00:08:06,428 --> 00:08:08,461 And, uh, Kwik-E-Nog. 144 00:08:08,496 --> 00:08:09,729 Nog stands for 145 00:08:09,764 --> 00:08:11,998 "Not Okayed by Government." 146 00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:14,667 Maybe Marge would forgive me 147 00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,169 if I won the lotto. 148 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,336 Give me a scratcher. 149 00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:18,805 D'oh! Give me another one. 150 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,072 D'oh! 151 00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:21,174 Give me another one. 152 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:22,241 D'oh! 153 00:08:22,277 --> 00:08:23,476 Give me another one. 154 00:08:23,511 --> 00:08:24,710 D'oh! Give me another one. 155 00:08:24,746 --> 00:08:25,845 D'oh! 156 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:26,913 Give me another one. 157 00:08:26,948 --> 00:08:28,381 Oh please, stop! Stop it! 158 00:08:28,416 --> 00:08:30,249 My religion prohibits me from taking advantage 159 00:08:30,285 --> 00:08:32,151 of a fool more than ten times. 160 00:08:32,187 --> 00:08:34,654 This thing basically has no winners. 161 00:08:34,689 --> 00:08:36,689 Yeah, but doesn't the money goes to schools? 162 00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:39,392 You have been to our schools. What do you think? 163 00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:42,895 Welcome to Bring Us Your Toilet Paper night. 164 00:08:42,931 --> 00:08:45,097 Don't worry, none goes to Willie. 165 00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,532 Don't need it. 166 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,434 I got me Starbucks napkins! 167 00:08:48,470 --> 00:08:51,037 You know, ironically, in India, they did use the money 168 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,773 for schools and they had fantastic results. 169 00:08:53,808 --> 00:08:56,075 Aw, thanks for your honesty, Apu. 170 00:08:56,110 --> 00:08:57,443 Is there any other product in the store 171 00:08:57,479 --> 00:08:58,744 you'd like to warn me about? 172 00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:00,112 Well, uh... 173 00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:03,483 those hot dogs began life as Twinkies. 174 00:09:07,889 --> 00:09:09,021 Wow. 175 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,693 Christmas Eve. 176 00:09:13,728 --> 00:09:15,228 The one night a kid wants to go to sleep 177 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:16,796 is the one night he can't. 178 00:09:16,831 --> 00:09:18,364 I can't have another cocoa. 179 00:09:18,399 --> 00:09:20,533 My pee is starting to smell like a ski chalet. 180 00:09:20,568 --> 00:09:22,735 Oh, thank God you're here. 181 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:23,970 I need to get to sleep. 182 00:09:24,005 --> 00:09:25,404 Tell me the story of jazz again. 183 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,040 Well, the story of jazz starts with the tresillo, 184 00:09:28,076 --> 00:09:30,376 the most prevalent duple-pulse rhythmic cell 185 00:09:30,411 --> 00:09:31,911 in sub-Saharan African music. 186 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:32,979 But the rest will have to wait. 187 00:09:33,014 --> 00:09:34,914 Bart, Bart, I hear Mom sobbing. 188 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,749 And I don't know where Dad is. 189 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,418 If it helps, I made you a card. 190 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,821 Bart, this is the year I've got to nail Christmas. 191 00:09:41,856 --> 00:09:44,457 I don't want to be a jaded ten-year-old like you! 192 00:09:44,492 --> 00:09:45,825 Ah, yes. 193 00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:48,628 I remember Christmas Eve when I was eight. 194 00:09:48,663 --> 00:09:50,930 Why do you always wait till the last minute 195 00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:52,465 to put up the lights? 196 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,933 I don't want to ruin the magic. 197 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,735 And I certainly... Aah! 198 00:09:57,472 --> 00:09:59,005 Next year 199 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,072 this is 200 00:10:00,108 --> 00:10:01,474 your job. 201 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,413 Ooh! 202 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,984 Hmm, they say a boy never gets over seeing his dad 203 00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:13,252 in a Santa suit getting hanged 204 00:10:13,288 --> 00:10:14,787 and electrocuted on Christmas Eve. 205 00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,188 I'll help you, kid. 206 00:10:34,542 --> 00:10:36,275 Mom, I'm just a kid, 207 00:10:36,311 --> 00:10:39,045 but I say if Dad isn't here Christmas morning, 208 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,447 that's the kind of thing families never recover from. 209 00:10:41,482 --> 00:10:43,049 Hmm. 210 00:10:43,084 --> 00:10:46,586 Lisa, sweetie, I'm tired of being a pushover. 211 00:10:46,621 --> 00:10:47,787 You're not a pushover. 212 00:10:47,822 --> 00:10:48,988 You can't smoke. 213 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:50,189 Just chewing on the wood. 214 00:10:50,224 --> 00:10:51,390 Okay then. 215 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,995 Eh, how you doing there? 216 00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,997 Uh, your front door was locked, 217 00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,999 So, uh, rather than call or knock, 218 00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:02,001 I, uh, came down your chimbley there. 219 00:11:04,672 --> 00:11:07,673 Moe Szyslak, you didn't climb down our chimney 220 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,475 just to say "Merry Christmas." 221 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,746 Midge, it's one minute till Christmas, 222 00:11:13,781 --> 00:11:16,282 and if I'm ever gonna be a good guy, it's now. 223 00:11:16,317 --> 00:11:17,650 All right, here I go. 224 00:11:17,685 --> 00:11:19,685 I'm the one that kept Homer from coming home, 225 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,988 'cause, uh, well, I was lonely. 226 00:11:22,023 --> 00:11:23,756 Yeah, that's right-- 227 00:11:23,791 --> 00:11:25,157 me, Mr. Party Pants. 228 00:11:25,193 --> 00:11:28,260 So, uh, so don't hold it against Homer, eh? 229 00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:31,163 Oh, my poor Homie. 230 00:11:31,199 --> 00:11:32,999 This is what I was hoping for. 231 00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:36,602 For it not to have been completely his fault. 232 00:11:36,638 --> 00:11:38,204 Thank you, Moe. 233 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,405 Huh? 234 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,040 I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry, 235 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,442 but it was Christmas, and we were under the mistletoe. 236 00:11:43,478 --> 00:11:45,077 That's lettuce caught in a spider's web. 237 00:11:45,113 --> 00:11:46,278 All right. 238 00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:47,813 I've got to call Homer. 239 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,955 D'oh! 240 00:11:57,992 --> 00:11:59,959 What gives? Don't you get Showtime Extreme? 241 00:11:59,994 --> 00:12:01,961 No answer. 242 00:12:01,996 --> 00:12:03,963 Let's go find your father. 243 00:12:03,998 --> 00:12:05,698 What? 244 00:12:05,733 --> 00:12:07,700 I never give up hope. 245 00:12:07,735 --> 00:12:08,934 Neither do I. 246 00:12:12,807 --> 00:12:15,141 Even the anchor store's closed. 247 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:23,582 ♪ Someday at Christmas ♪ 248 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:26,085 ♪ Men won't be boys ♪ 249 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,120 ♪ Playing with bombs ♪ 250 00:12:28,156 --> 00:12:31,090 ♪ Like kids play with toys ♪ 251 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:35,461 ♪ One warm December our hearts will see ♪ 252 00:12:35,496 --> 00:12:40,066 ♪ A world where men are free ♪ 253 00:12:40,101 --> 00:12:42,001 ♪ Mm ♪ 254 00:12:42,036 --> 00:12:43,636 ♪ Someday at Christmas... ♪ 255 00:12:43,671 --> 00:12:45,471 Any uplifting holiday movies? 256 00:12:45,506 --> 00:12:47,306 Well, let's see. 257 00:12:47,341 --> 00:12:48,846 We've got a film about a nutty professor... 258 00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:49,776 Ooh. 259 00:12:49,777 --> 00:12:51,243 ...with advanced Alzheimer's. 260 00:12:51,279 --> 00:12:52,611 D'oh! 261 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:54,146 Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill... Yeah? 262 00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:56,182 ...in a concentration camp drama. 263 00:12:56,217 --> 00:12:57,316 D'oh! 264 00:12:57,351 --> 00:12:58,818 And a cute model... Ooh! 265 00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:01,120 ...airplane that lost its propeller. 266 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:04,957 Um, I guess I'll take the concentration camp one. 267 00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:07,593 And a Merry Christmas to you, sir. 268 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,999 Well, if I got to spend Christmas Eve alone, 269 00:13:14,035 --> 00:13:15,835 at least no one will see me. 270 00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:18,204 Hey-ya, Homer! 271 00:13:18,239 --> 00:13:20,439 Ah, just 'cause you're here shouldn't make you sad. 272 00:13:20,475 --> 00:13:23,642 This is my 17th Christmas alone in a movie theater. 273 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,211 This is my family. 274 00:13:25,246 --> 00:13:27,046 The guy with the smelly pants, 275 00:13:27,081 --> 00:13:30,483 the lady that carries empty cans in a PBS tote bag. 276 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:33,419 Ugh, what if I left now and gave you guys my popcorn and soda? 277 00:13:35,757 --> 00:13:38,357 Wow, Homer, you have a very generous side. 278 00:13:38,392 --> 00:13:41,660 Can I borrow, like, $10,000? 279 00:13:45,733 --> 00:13:47,900 Flanders? What are you doing here? 280 00:13:47,935 --> 00:13:49,535 Christmas is my busy season. 281 00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:51,537 Sold three pairs of scissors this month. 282 00:13:51,572 --> 00:13:53,005 Two came back. 283 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,840 Say, Flanders, 284 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:58,844 with all the hard luck you've had, how do you stay so happy? 285 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,813 And don't say "Jesus." 286 00:14:00,848 --> 00:14:04,416 Well, sir, our good Lord and my boys are all I've really got. 287 00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:06,418 All Edna left me was wonderful memories 288 00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:08,420 and some ungraded papers, 289 00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:10,422 which I'm still working my way through. 290 00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,424 Flanders, are you crying? 291 00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:15,060 Ah, just snowflakes on my mustache. 292 00:14:15,096 --> 00:14:17,863 Listen, could I buy a left-handed, uh... 293 00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,665 I don't know, eyelash curler? 294 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,268 Sure, but y-your eyelashes are long and luxurious already. 295 00:14:22,303 --> 00:14:24,236 Are you just buying this to be nice? 296 00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:27,673 Uh, maybe. 297 00:14:27,708 --> 00:14:30,576 Oh, Homer, unto us this day, a neighbor is born. 298 00:14:30,611 --> 00:14:32,211 But why? 299 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:36,215 Because jerk-ass Homer has become ass-jerk Homer. 300 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:39,218 Well, that curled my lashes, but good for you. 301 00:14:40,454 --> 00:14:42,621 You're all right, stupid Flanders. 302 00:14:42,657 --> 00:14:43,889 You're all right. 303 00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:46,892 Well, this is a whole new relationship for us. 304 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,261 We'll be friends in this life and the next. 305 00:14:49,297 --> 00:14:51,197 Whoa, he's getting serious. 306 00:14:51,232 --> 00:14:52,598 Is this what I really want? 307 00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:56,602 My best friend is a great runner. 308 00:15:01,642 --> 00:15:04,610 I made everyone happy but me. 309 00:15:04,645 --> 00:15:06,612 Some Christmas. 310 00:15:06,647 --> 00:15:08,547 Feliz navidad. 311 00:15:22,448 --> 00:15:24,348 Abe Simpson, please. 312 00:15:24,383 --> 00:15:26,350 Visitor for Abe Simpson. 313 00:15:26,385 --> 00:15:27,551 You came! 314 00:15:27,586 --> 00:15:29,053 You came to see me! 315 00:15:29,088 --> 00:15:30,554 Aw! 316 00:15:30,589 --> 00:15:33,057 Easter came early this year. 317 00:15:33,092 --> 00:15:35,059 I thought we were just gonna ask if he'd seen Homer. 318 00:15:35,094 --> 00:15:37,561 I'm afraid we've awoken a needy giant. 319 00:15:37,596 --> 00:15:39,530 Visitors! 320 00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:42,266 Let's brew some weak tea and talk about the good ol' days! 321 00:15:42,301 --> 00:15:44,868 Make them turn the TV to CBS! 322 00:15:53,646 --> 00:15:57,047 Well, with all that you folks have experienced, 323 00:15:57,083 --> 00:16:00,451 I think we could enjoy listening to a little of your wisdom. 324 00:16:00,486 --> 00:16:02,886 The problem with Puerto Ricans is... 325 00:16:02,922 --> 00:16:04,755 No casual racism. 326 00:16:09,628 --> 00:16:11,628 What the...? 327 00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:15,299 The Nutcracker. 328 00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:18,235 Every child's favorite Christmas character. 329 00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:19,703 Is this a dream? 330 00:16:19,739 --> 00:16:21,071 Not a dream. 331 00:16:21,107 --> 00:16:22,373 I work at the mall. 332 00:16:22,408 --> 00:16:24,375 And it's closed, so scram. 333 00:16:24,410 --> 00:16:26,076 Man, you are a nutcracker. 334 00:16:26,112 --> 00:16:27,611 But I've learned something tonight-- 335 00:16:27,646 --> 00:16:29,046 you know how everyone hates 336 00:16:29,081 --> 00:16:31,081 being with their family on Christmas? Uh-huh. 337 00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:33,083 Well, being without them is worse. 338 00:16:33,119 --> 00:16:36,320 Can you find it in your wooden heart to give me a break? 339 00:16:36,355 --> 00:16:38,555 All right, listen, pal, uh... 340 00:16:38,591 --> 00:16:40,557 you want to go to a party? 341 00:16:55,841 --> 00:16:57,641 What are you doing here? 342 00:16:57,676 --> 00:17:01,278 Halloween merchandise goes on sale December 26, man. 343 00:17:10,122 --> 00:17:12,923 Well, he's not in the neon sign store. 344 00:17:12,958 --> 00:17:14,525 Lady, buy a sign or go home. 345 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,360 I'm sorry. 346 00:17:16,395 --> 00:17:19,196 I'm trying to find my husband, and nothing's open. 347 00:17:19,231 --> 00:17:21,198 Well, there is a party here. 348 00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,434 Hey, is your husband into people dressed like food? 349 00:17:23,469 --> 00:17:25,436 Where is this party?! 350 00:17:29,375 --> 00:17:31,341 Oh, my God. 351 00:17:31,377 --> 00:17:33,377 Is that girl really doing that?! 352 00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:43,253 Mm, load-bearing wall. 353 00:17:52,398 --> 00:17:54,631 Ho, ho, ho! 354 00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,133 This party's great, 355 00:17:56,168 --> 00:17:58,202 but all I wish is that I was drinking a beer 356 00:17:58,237 --> 00:18:00,170 with my kids right now. 357 00:18:00,206 --> 00:18:01,672 Homer? Hmm?! 358 00:18:01,707 --> 00:18:04,675 Homie, I'm your present tonight. 359 00:18:04,710 --> 00:18:07,678 And the present is that I'm not gonna always assume 360 00:18:07,713 --> 00:18:09,313 that you screwed up. 361 00:18:09,348 --> 00:18:11,715 Because I realize maybe there's a good explanation 362 00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:13,250 for what you do. 363 00:18:13,285 --> 00:18:15,486 Or a crazy one that's pretty entertaining. 364 00:18:15,521 --> 00:18:18,489 Oh, Marge, you found me! 365 00:18:18,524 --> 00:18:20,324 You always find me. 366 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:23,160 Now we just have to find your car in the mall parking lot. 367 00:18:23,195 --> 00:18:25,762 I thought I had one of those chirping keys. 368 00:18:25,798 --> 00:18:28,365 Oh, well, I've been faking the noise. 369 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,000 'Cause you deserve the best. 370 00:18:31,237 --> 00:18:32,769 You didn't have to do that. 371 00:18:32,805 --> 00:18:34,571 I love you just the same. 372 00:18:39,979 --> 00:18:42,579 Thank you magical creatures of the mall! 373 00:18:42,615 --> 00:18:45,015 You have all taught me a Christmas message 374 00:18:45,050 --> 00:18:46,683 I'll never forget-- 375 00:18:46,719 --> 00:18:50,154 the place to get drunk is at home. 376 00:19:10,006 --> 00:19:11,739 All right, I'm sick of waiting. 377 00:19:11,774 --> 00:19:13,741 Bart, you know you can't open a present 378 00:19:13,776 --> 00:19:15,142 till Mom and Dad wake up. 379 00:19:15,178 --> 00:19:17,211 It's 9:10 a.m. 380 00:19:17,247 --> 00:19:19,914 I know what they're doing-- they're up in bed 381 00:19:19,949 --> 00:19:22,583 watching the re-broadcast of the Hollywood Christmas Parade. 382 00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:24,285 Oops, my finger slipped. 383 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,287 Oops! So did mine. 384 00:19:26,322 --> 00:19:28,122 Oh, I got a baseball glove. 385 00:19:28,157 --> 00:19:29,524 I got a chemistry set. 386 00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:31,125 I want yours. 387 00:19:35,331 --> 00:19:37,298 Merry Christmas, son. 388 00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,300 Uh, don't you mean "Happy Birthday"? 389 00:19:39,335 --> 00:19:41,736 It's two presents. 390 00:19:41,771 --> 00:19:43,738 Um, walkie-talkies don't count as two presents. 391 00:19:43,773 --> 00:19:45,139 God. 392 00:19:45,174 --> 00:19:47,141 I mean, you. 393 00:19:47,175 --> 00:19:52,175 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 394 00:19:52,218 --> 00:19:54,085 Idiot. 395 00:19:59,059 --> 00:20:01,459 Behold, our miracle of birth. 396 00:20:01,495 --> 00:20:04,295 Each birth is followed by another birth 397 00:20:04,331 --> 00:20:05,697 just seconds later. 398 00:20:12,406 --> 00:20:14,239 What the?! This isn't Halloween. 399 00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:56,381 Shh!