1 00:00:08,390 --> 00:00:09,660 D'oh! 2 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:23,570 There's nothing too short that I can't cameo. 3 00:00:36,150 --> 00:00:37,720 Intramural softball, 4 00:00:37,750 --> 00:00:39,620 where even the most overweight tubbo 5 00:00:39,660 --> 00:00:41,230 can pretend to be an athlete. 6 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,070 Play ball! 7 00:00:57,510 --> 00:00:58,640 You play ball! 8 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,150 Hey! Oh! Hey! Oh! This guy! 9 00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:02,810 Those Indian Point Nuclear jerks, 10 00:01:02,850 --> 00:01:04,956 they think they're so great because their fallout radius 11 00:01:04,980 --> 00:01:06,420 includes Manhattan. 12 00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:08,720 How many Mets games can you postpone? 13 00:01:08,750 --> 00:01:10,120 Fuggettabowtit! 14 00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:11,760 Hey! Oh! Pizza! 15 00:01:11,790 --> 00:01:13,920 Tattoos! Verrazano Bridge! 16 00:01:15,990 --> 00:01:17,590 Everyone is so out of shape. 17 00:01:17,630 --> 00:01:20,060 It's like watching maple syrup play softball. 18 00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:23,130 Yeah, Dad hit a home run five minutes ago 19 00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:25,170 and he's still rounding second. 20 00:01:31,010 --> 00:01:32,310 Let's just call it a triple. 21 00:01:32,340 --> 00:01:33,910 Oh. 22 00:01:33,940 --> 00:01:37,250 The triple, the most exciting play in baseball. 23 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,750 Except this time. 24 00:01:38,780 --> 00:01:41,120 Fun fact: the odds of a baseball hitting a bird 25 00:01:41,150 --> 00:01:44,750 are one in a billion, but I've seen it four times. 26 00:01:44,790 --> 00:01:46,790 We're out of beer! 27 00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:50,330 Burnsie, old buddy, you care for a cigar? 28 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,700 Oh, thanks, but no. 29 00:01:51,730 --> 00:01:54,430 If I inhale warmed air, I tend to float away. 30 00:01:54,460 --> 00:01:56,030 You ever think we're watching 31 00:01:56,070 --> 00:01:58,600 the last generation of nukemen? 32 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,610 No one wants to go into this dirty business anymore. 33 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,470 Fiddle-faddle, nuclear power is the industry of tomorrow. 34 00:02:04,510 --> 00:02:05,780 Oh, yeah? Says who? 35 00:02:05,810 --> 00:02:06,980 Life magazine, 36 00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:08,286 The Saturday Evening Stenograph, 37 00:02:08,310 --> 00:02:09,480 and Professor Noodle Stroodle 38 00:02:09,510 --> 00:02:11,110 and the Dove Soap March of Comedy. 39 00:02:11,150 --> 00:02:14,350 Me? I'm thinking of getting into, uh, to solar. 40 00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:16,120 I won't use it myself, 41 00:02:16,150 --> 00:02:18,620 I'll sell it to the poor people and the musicians. 42 00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:20,020 Oh, not me. 43 00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:22,130 I vow that nuclear power will continue 44 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,660 long after my body is gone 45 00:02:23,690 --> 00:02:26,460 and my brain is in a shark that can walk on land. 46 00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:29,670 I'll educate a new generation of nuclear workers. 47 00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:31,670 And I'll find those bright-eyed radio-activists 48 00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:35,370 at my alma mater: Yale. 49 00:02:39,380 --> 00:02:40,680 Hey! Yo! 50 00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:42,310 I'm eatin' Mister Softee over here! 51 00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:44,250 Hey, kayak on the Hudson! 52 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,150 It's always wonderful 53 00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:48,820 when a successful... 54 00:02:48,850 --> 00:02:51,490 And childless. alumnus returns. 55 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:54,590 It's delightful how you take turns sniffing after my money. 56 00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:58,830 Now here's a group that was established in 1909. 57 00:02:58,860 --> 00:03:00,860 Pfft. I hate modern music. 58 00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:05,000 ♪ To the tables down at Mory's ♪ 59 00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:08,740 ♪ To the place where ♪ ♪ Louie dwells ♪ 60 00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:12,210 ♪ To the dear old Temple Bar ♪ 61 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,080 ♪ We love so well. ♪ 62 00:03:15,110 --> 00:03:16,610 The Whiffenpoofs. 63 00:03:16,650 --> 00:03:18,920 I'll buy you a new library if you have them killed. 64 00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:21,550 So many have tried to kill them. 65 00:03:21,590 --> 00:03:24,090 But other smug jackasses in white gloves 66 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,720 would just take their place. 67 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,030 ♪ We can't be stopped. ♪ 68 00:03:29,060 --> 00:03:30,960 Well, I am here to offer you money. 69 00:03:30,990 --> 00:03:34,100 I'd like to endow a Department of Nuclear Plant Management. 70 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,370 Wonderful. 71 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,530 Of course we can't do nuclear. 72 00:03:37,570 --> 00:03:40,140 Our students are highly-entitled wusses. 73 00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:43,010 You'd be creating a space for violence to happen. 74 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,380 How about funding a chair in the non-narrative cinema 75 00:03:48,410 --> 00:03:50,950 of self-identified pan-sexuals? 76 00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:53,050 What? What? What? What? What?! 77 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,820 We also need to hire more deans 78 00:03:54,850 --> 00:03:57,450 to decide which Halloween costumes are appropriate. 79 00:03:57,490 --> 00:03:59,260 Eight deans should do it. 80 00:03:59,290 --> 00:04:02,260 Is this still a coven of capitalism 81 00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:04,930 where evil money can acquire a patina of virtue? 82 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,630 Yes, that's in our charter. 83 00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:09,270 But with an issue as hetero-patriarchal 84 00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:10,600 as nuclear power, 85 00:04:10,630 --> 00:04:13,470 we'll have to hire multicultural empathizers, 86 00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:15,100 build a new safe space. 87 00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:16,910 Not so fast. 88 00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:20,110 We insist on a chair of anti-nuclear studies 89 00:04:20,140 --> 00:04:22,910 and a nuclear-neutral curriculum pathway. 90 00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:24,750 Absolutely, Teddy. 91 00:04:24,780 --> 00:04:26,920 We run all decisions past the squash team. 92 00:04:26,950 --> 00:04:28,990 Also the fencing team, water polo 93 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:30,750 and Handsome Dan the mascot. 94 00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:36,030 Release me, you hound. 95 00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:38,290 Oh, yeah. 96 00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:40,930 What's happened to this place? 97 00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:50,710 This was the home of ruthless media disruptor 98 00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:52,040 Samuel F.B. Morse. 99 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,780 Who's his successor? That fellow? 100 00:04:54,810 --> 00:04:57,980 "Fellow"? That word is cis-gender-normative, okay? 101 00:04:58,010 --> 00:04:59,320 You're worse than Hitler! 102 00:04:59,350 --> 00:05:00,720 Too late for flattery. 103 00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:03,020 I'm not giving this school a dime. 104 00:05:08,530 --> 00:05:09,730 Former Bonesman! 105 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:10,990 Living or dead? 106 00:05:11,030 --> 00:05:12,560 Living, but you'd better hurry. 107 00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:15,030 Engage cloaking device. 108 00:05:17,370 --> 00:05:20,040 Ah, nothing relaxes me like a stiff drink 109 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,170 from the skull of Martin Van Buren. 110 00:05:22,210 --> 00:05:24,670 Care for some Pancho Villa? 111 00:05:24,710 --> 00:05:27,910 Ugh. Has everything in this school surrendered to diversity? 112 00:05:29,850 --> 00:05:31,350 Yale's on its way out. 113 00:05:31,380 --> 00:05:33,820 That's why I started my own line of colleges. 114 00:05:33,850 --> 00:05:35,820 287 campuses. 115 00:05:35,850 --> 00:05:37,890 We took over all the old Circuit Citys. 116 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,660 Really? 117 00:05:39,690 --> 00:05:43,660 Using teachers these holier than thou Ivies fired for cause. 118 00:05:43,690 --> 00:05:45,660 I celebrated Columbus Day. 119 00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:48,000 I, uh, referred to God as "He." 120 00:05:48,030 --> 00:05:49,700 I got five students pregnant. 121 00:05:49,730 --> 00:05:52,340 Hmm, I could start my own college. 122 00:05:52,370 --> 00:05:53,540 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 123 00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,040 We can't talk business in here. 124 00:05:55,070 --> 00:05:57,270 Just general schemes for world domination. 125 00:05:57,310 --> 00:05:59,210 Fraternal handshake? 126 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,140 Oh, all right. 127 00:06:05,310 --> 00:06:07,120 You are on my radar. 128 00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:20,730 What you doing, Mr. B? 129 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,770 I never want to see the word "Yale" again. 130 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,400 We're changing all our locks to Schlage. 131 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:29,110 Eh, to be honest, I'm thinking of starting my own college. 132 00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,110 You can make a big fat profit. 133 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,940 A for-profit college? 134 00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:34,480 Eh, that's where I went. 135 00:06:34,510 --> 00:06:36,386 University of Phoenix, Oklahoma in Washington State. 136 00:06:36,410 --> 00:06:38,050 At least that's where it was last month. 137 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:39,280 It moves around quite a bit. 138 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,880 A for-profit college? 139 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,150 You said that already, sir. 140 00:06:42,190 --> 00:06:44,450 A for-profit college? 141 00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:47,760 Excellent. 142 00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:50,390 Kudos. 143 00:06:51,930 --> 00:06:54,400 And now for your first economics lesson. 144 00:06:54,430 --> 00:06:56,130 So long, suckers! 145 00:06:59,540 --> 00:07:00,800 Boola Boola? 146 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:02,540 Moola moola. 147 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:09,610 The world is faster than ever, 148 00:07:09,650 --> 00:07:11,126 and you can't make it without a college degree. 149 00:07:11,150 --> 00:07:12,280 But for some reason 150 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:15,750 worthy students don't always get in. 151 00:07:15,790 --> 00:07:18,350 Students these days don't have four years to waste 152 00:07:18,390 --> 00:07:20,790 at a fully-accredited institution. 153 00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:22,860 Burns University will grab you by the pants 154 00:07:22,890 --> 00:07:24,990 and fling you into the job of your dreams. 155 00:07:25,030 --> 00:07:26,600 Elder care associate. 156 00:07:28,060 --> 00:07:30,200 Museum manager, nighttime. 157 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,140 TV re-capper. 158 00:07:35,370 --> 00:07:37,010 Burns University gives you a degree 159 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,440 you can print on your computer. 160 00:07:38,470 --> 00:07:39,840 Out of the sight of the law. 161 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,480 I'm proud to be the first in my family 162 00:07:42,510 --> 00:07:44,980 to earn non-transferable credits. 163 00:07:45,010 --> 00:07:47,650 I've made a billion dollars through ruthless backstabbing. 164 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,320 But now, for no apparent reason, 165 00:07:49,350 --> 00:07:51,860 I seem to be helping young people. 166 00:07:51,890 --> 00:07:53,190 So start your future today. 167 00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:54,820 Because at Burns University... 168 00:07:54,860 --> 00:07:58,700 Your life gets the full Monty! 169 00:07:58,730 --> 00:08:00,630 What are you laughing at? 170 00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:03,400 Does "the Full Monty" have some sort of naughty double meaning? 171 00:08:04,670 --> 00:08:06,670 ♪ I believe in miracles ♪ 172 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,740 ♪ Where you from ♪ 173 00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:10,970 ♪ You sexy thing... ♪ 174 00:08:11,010 --> 00:08:13,640 If only our faculty could be hired so easily. 175 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,910 Oh, but we already have a faculty: them! 176 00:08:15,950 --> 00:08:17,880 Sir, these people can barely run the plant, 177 00:08:17,910 --> 00:08:19,820 much less teach on the side. 178 00:08:19,850 --> 00:08:22,096 Smithers, when you think of teachers, what do you think of? 179 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,426 Low-paid workforce with no healthcare 180 00:08:23,450 --> 00:08:24,720 in a toxic environment. 181 00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:26,660 And there you have them. 182 00:08:26,690 --> 00:08:29,330 Just pull them off one-by-one till the power stops. 183 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:30,860 We'll be fine. 184 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,330 What are you teaching, Dad? 185 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,200 I'm giving lectures on what I do at work. 186 00:08:36,230 --> 00:08:38,070 Well, what do you do at work? 187 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,570 Well, I... you know, the button stuff. 188 00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:42,610 Have you prepared a reading list? 189 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:43,870 I have to read? 190 00:08:43,910 --> 00:08:46,280 No, it's for them. Whoo-hoo! 191 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:50,050 But what are you actually gonna say to them? 192 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,180 I'll start with the life cycle of the atom. 193 00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:55,120 A baby atom is called a "neutron," 194 00:08:55,150 --> 00:08:58,290 when it turns professional, it becomes a proton. 195 00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,760 And if it runs for office, 196 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,220 it's an electron. 197 00:09:03,260 --> 00:09:05,390 Lisa, did you just drink that? 198 00:09:05,430 --> 00:09:06,630 How'd you guess? 199 00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:08,970 No, "sheriously." Oh, wow. 200 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,770 Wow, my first slurred word. 201 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:15,270 Dad, a college education is important. 202 00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,640 It's my only hope for getting me out of this... 203 00:09:17,670 --> 00:09:19,610 Pardon me, Mom... dump. 204 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,480 Lisa, go to bed right now. 205 00:09:21,510 --> 00:09:23,950 Oh, keep your pants on, lady. Dad! 206 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,620 Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! 207 00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:28,950 I believe in higher education. 208 00:09:28,990 --> 00:09:30,750 You are a teacher. 209 00:09:30,790 --> 00:09:32,620 If you make a joke out of it, 210 00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:35,460 you are crushing my only hope. 211 00:09:36,790 --> 00:09:38,800 As the good kid here, I have to point out 212 00:09:38,830 --> 00:09:40,060 she's acting very badly. 213 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,130 For shame. 214 00:09:42,170 --> 00:09:44,300 Lisa, sweetie, my professor money's 215 00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:46,140 going into your college fund. 216 00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,770 Ooh, that's good, I guess. 217 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,440 How much is in it now? 218 00:09:49,470 --> 00:09:51,470 Depends on what we do with Grampa after he dies. 219 00:09:51,510 --> 00:09:52,910 Just burn me! 220 00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,780 Ooh, well, that's the most expensive option 221 00:09:54,810 --> 00:09:56,310 I'm considering. 222 00:09:56,350 --> 00:09:58,480 Welcome to Burns University. 223 00:09:58,510 --> 00:10:00,120 Don't park at Del Taco. 224 00:10:01,790 --> 00:10:04,320 Our motto: Ut uberiores divites. 225 00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:07,520 Well, doesn't that mean "The rich get richer"? 226 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,290 Ooh, this prestigious school 227 00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:11,130 doesn't need Latin-translating troublemakers. 228 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,700 You're expelled! 229 00:10:17,170 --> 00:10:18,700 When do I throw this in the air? 230 00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:20,800 You're a professor, so you don't throw it. 231 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:22,370 In fact, you hardly ever wear it. 232 00:10:22,410 --> 00:10:24,110 Geez, I had this custom-made. 233 00:10:24,140 --> 00:10:25,710 Apartheid's over, Lenny. 234 00:10:25,740 --> 00:10:26,940 It worked! 235 00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:28,950 Mm-hmm. 236 00:10:28,980 --> 00:10:32,480 Man, copying is so hard. 237 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,050 Any questions? 238 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:35,220 Yes. What does it mean? 239 00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:37,450 Uh, what do you think it means? 240 00:10:37,490 --> 00:10:39,990 Remember, there are no wrong answers. 241 00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:41,560 Well, I would guess that, uh, 242 00:10:41,590 --> 00:10:43,336 three neutrons coming out when only one went in, 243 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:46,200 uh, leads to some kind of chain reaction. 244 00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:48,030 Wrong. There's always a class clown. 245 00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:49,800 Ten-minute coffee break. 246 00:10:49,830 --> 00:10:53,540 Um, any of you homies want to sell Schedule I narcotics 247 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:54,970 to a fellow teenager? 248 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,470 You're a teenager? 249 00:10:56,510 --> 00:10:58,370 What year were you born? 250 00:10:58,410 --> 00:11:01,310 Hey, you're not the cop around here. I am! 251 00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:02,650 What? 252 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,480 Oh, right, my cover. 253 00:11:04,510 --> 00:11:05,720 Seriously, people. 254 00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,550 Some of us are here to learn. 255 00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:09,990 Professor, half-life of radium, if you please. 256 00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:11,350 Don't look at book! 257 00:11:14,060 --> 00:11:16,530 Ugh. You're crushing me. 258 00:11:17,890 --> 00:11:19,200 What the hell is that? 259 00:11:19,230 --> 00:11:20,360 Guys. You know what? 260 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,230 It's a beautiful day. 261 00:11:22,270 --> 00:11:24,230 Why don't we have class outside? 262 00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:28,000 Yes, that's it. Go on outside. 263 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,170 I'm totally unqualified. I don't even know 264 00:11:30,210 --> 00:11:31,910 how to get outside from here. 265 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,010 That's the answer! 266 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,380 Oh, wait. 267 00:11:36,410 --> 00:11:38,610 Hey, what's the matter, Professor? 268 00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,126 He don't know what to teach his class. 269 00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:42,290 Homer's just not cut out to be a pedagogue. 270 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,020 That's easy. You just got to register. 271 00:11:44,050 --> 00:11:45,690 Stay away from playgrounds. 272 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,520 Oh, you said "pedagogue." 273 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:51,730 So this is what it's like to fail at something. 274 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,460 I can help you, Dad. 275 00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:56,870 Aw, if it isn't Daddy's little wino. 276 00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:58,800 No, I'm clean. One day clean. 277 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,200 Yeah, I know that tune. 278 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,570 Just come with me. 279 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,570 You don't have time to learn anything, 280 00:12:03,610 --> 00:12:05,880 but at least you can have a sense of mission. 281 00:12:05,910 --> 00:12:07,410 I got these for you. 282 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,950 Dead Poets Society, Stand and Deliver. 283 00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,880 Each one a portrait of a great teacher, told by Hollywood. 284 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,920 Played by stars, each one paid 285 00:12:14,950 --> 00:12:17,450 more than a teacher makes in a million lifetimes. 286 00:12:17,490 --> 00:12:19,990 I always cry at the end of Goodbye, Mr. Chips. 287 00:12:20,020 --> 00:12:22,390 Mr. Chips is my name for my Fritos. 288 00:12:22,430 --> 00:12:23,930 Just watch the movies. 289 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,260 Words and ideas 290 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:27,830 can change the world. 291 00:12:27,860 --> 00:12:29,170 Oh, look at the world! 292 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,330 It just did a boom-boom in its pants. 293 00:12:31,370 --> 00:12:33,000 You, you change it. 294 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,670 Go to the woodshop and make yourself a push broom. 295 00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:39,440 You're gonna need it. 296 00:12:41,210 --> 00:12:42,680 It's not a tumor. 297 00:12:44,550 --> 00:12:47,450 Oh, they were great. They inspired me. 298 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:48,656 And the best part is where they show 299 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,250 the real guy over the credits. 300 00:12:50,290 --> 00:12:52,260 He looks just like the actor but fatter. 301 00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:54,860 Okay, listen up. 302 00:12:54,890 --> 00:12:57,960 All it takes to be a great teacher is to care. 303 00:12:57,990 --> 00:12:59,430 And I care. 304 00:12:59,460 --> 00:13:00,830 So I'm a great teacher. 305 00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:03,630 I don't like you, and you don't like me, 306 00:13:03,670 --> 00:13:05,800 but I'm your only ticket out of the barrio. 307 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,140 ¿Comprende, ése? 308 00:13:07,170 --> 00:13:08,840 I understand. I understand plenty. 309 00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:10,670 Do you know you can get a hot shower 310 00:13:10,710 --> 00:13:13,110 by hooking up your hose to your car radiator? 311 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:16,010 Towel off with the floor mat and feel like a king. 312 00:13:16,050 --> 00:13:18,310 ♪ Ah, cha-cha-cha, ♪ ♪ cha-cha-cha. ♪ 313 00:13:18,350 --> 00:13:23,290 Good. Now he can bring the rest of the Latin Kings in line. 314 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:24,690 Okay, first lesson. 315 00:13:28,690 --> 00:13:30,690 Always watch out for a little rod 316 00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:32,960 falling into the back of your shirt. 317 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,500 I do it, like, every week. 318 00:13:34,530 --> 00:13:37,630 Now remember, your chair has three levers: 319 00:13:37,670 --> 00:13:39,470 down, back and lock. 320 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:41,340 Down, back and lock. 321 00:13:41,370 --> 00:13:43,910 - Together. - Down, back and lock! 322 00:13:43,940 --> 00:13:46,080 Down, back and lock! 323 00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:48,140 Down, back and lock! 324 00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:49,980 Down, back and lock! 325 00:13:50,010 --> 00:13:51,480 Carpe diem! 326 00:13:51,510 --> 00:13:53,650 So, Andre, is it true? 327 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,320 You're dropping out of my class? 328 00:13:55,350 --> 00:13:57,020 May I ask why? 329 00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:58,650 I... well, I... 330 00:13:58,690 --> 00:14:01,590 I-I want to go back to counseling at-risk teens. 331 00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:04,490 No, Andre. You don't get to throw your life away. 332 00:14:04,530 --> 00:14:06,860 I'll be here for every class. 333 00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:08,700 Carpe diem. 334 00:14:08,730 --> 00:14:10,070 Carpe diem. 335 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,100 Just what does that mean, by the way? 336 00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:14,070 Fish for a dime, my friend. 337 00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:16,040 Fish for a dime. 338 00:14:17,470 --> 00:14:19,610 How much are we charging for hugs, Smithers? 339 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,356 Five dollars. But, uh, I'll give you one for free. 340 00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:22,610 Quiet. 341 00:14:22,650 --> 00:14:25,210 Monty, I want to buy the whole school. 342 00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:26,880 But it must include Homer Simpson. 343 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,620 He is a great teacher. 344 00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:31,550 But first I must find out how much he's worth to the plant. 345 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,530 I see. It seems I owe you a hundred thousand dollars. 346 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,390 Great lecture, Professor S. 347 00:14:38,430 --> 00:14:40,030 I finally understand how gamma rays 348 00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:41,860 turned Bruce Banner into the Hulk. 349 00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:46,100 Always remember the equation, "gamma equals green." 350 00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:48,970 Man, I wish you were my father, Dad. 351 00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:51,110 Uh, Simpson, I've sold your contract. 352 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,280 No! You cannot stop me from teaching. 353 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:55,980 I was going to paint houses in the summer. 354 00:14:56,010 --> 00:14:58,050 Nothing will stop the greatest teacher in the world 355 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,620 from painting houses! 356 00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:01,950 Oh, calm down. You'll be working for this man 357 00:15:01,990 --> 00:15:03,790 at his private estate. 358 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,120 What? Me? 359 00:15:05,150 --> 00:15:06,620 Alone? Without my kids? 360 00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:07,790 Yes. 361 00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:09,630 Sounds good. Who are you? 362 00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,560 The owner of more for-profit colleges 363 00:15:11,590 --> 00:15:12,960 than anyone in the world. 364 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,260 But these students are going to miss you. 365 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,470 Thank you! 366 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,240 I just want to say, 367 00:15:21,270 --> 00:15:25,640 each and every one of you gets an incomplete! 368 00:15:25,670 --> 00:15:26,780 I can't hear him. Can you? 369 00:15:26,810 --> 00:15:27,940 Nope. 370 00:15:29,310 --> 00:15:31,310 Love was the test. 371 00:15:31,350 --> 00:15:33,480 And you all passed. 372 00:15:45,830 --> 00:15:48,600 Uh, folks, we'll be landing at Mr. Verlander's 373 00:15:48,630 --> 00:15:50,630 secret estate shortly. 374 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,600 A flight attendant will be coming by to put 375 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:56,810 a blindfold over your eyes. 376 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,810 Cabin crew, please wipe your memory 377 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,840 and prepare for landing. 378 00:16:07,220 --> 00:16:10,150 Which way do I go? 379 00:16:10,190 --> 00:16:12,590 Uh, use the map! 380 00:16:13,860 --> 00:16:16,360 D'oh! 381 00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,970 Homer Simpson. 382 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,040 Voice does not match file from 1989. 383 00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:28,470 Let's go out 384 00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,870 for frosty chocolate milkshakes. 385 00:16:30,910 --> 00:16:34,640 Welcome, Homer Simpson. 386 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,350 Whoa. 387 00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:38,180 Hmm. 388 00:16:38,210 --> 00:16:40,880 Hmm? You unload your own dishwasher? 389 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,320 Yeah. If you don't, you get a, a funny smell. 390 00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:44,520 Now, come in. 391 00:16:44,550 --> 00:16:46,020 Are you tired from your trip? 392 00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:48,490 Let's get you a refreshing cryofreeze. 393 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,990 Rejuvenating, huh? 394 00:16:50,030 --> 00:16:51,660 It opens your pores. 395 00:16:51,690 --> 00:16:53,860 Uh, what happens if I pee in this? 396 00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,160 Are you just asking? 397 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,000 Or did you already pee in it? 398 00:16:57,030 --> 00:16:58,230 I'm asking for a friend. 399 00:16:58,270 --> 00:16:59,900 So what's our next activity? 400 00:16:59,940 --> 00:17:01,900 I hope it's not square dancing. 401 00:17:01,940 --> 00:17:03,616 I'd like you to meet the rest of my guests. 402 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:04,910 Hmm. 403 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:08,040 Homer, say hello to the greatest educators in the world. 404 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,410 Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. 405 00:17:10,450 --> 00:17:14,580 The Solar System is over four and a half billion years old. 406 00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:17,220 Jeopardy! champion of champions, Ken Jennings. 407 00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:19,420 Who is "glad to meet you"? 408 00:17:19,460 --> 00:17:21,690 Financial educator Suze Orman. 409 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,260 You are not allowed to buy a Mercedes 410 00:17:23,290 --> 00:17:25,290 until you pay off your credit cards. 411 00:17:25,330 --> 00:17:27,060 Great, now you tell me. 412 00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,300 Screenwriting guru Robert McKee. 413 00:17:29,330 --> 00:17:31,570 Welcome to the act three climax, 414 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,440 resolution of story and subplots. 415 00:17:35,470 --> 00:17:37,910 I expect you're wondering why I've assembled a team 416 00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:39,740 of the world's greatest teachers. 417 00:17:39,780 --> 00:17:41,540 To teach something. 418 00:17:41,580 --> 00:17:42,710 To somebody. 419 00:17:42,750 --> 00:17:45,110 Well, there are only six basic plots. 420 00:17:45,150 --> 00:17:47,080 Rise-fall, fall-rise, 421 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,050 steady fall, steady rise, 422 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,420 black cop-white cop, and stop that wedding. 423 00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:54,060 Well, here's what I'm up to. 424 00:17:54,090 --> 00:17:55,960 This is Sallie. 425 00:17:55,990 --> 00:17:58,160 And these are Sallie. 426 00:17:58,190 --> 00:17:59,960 And those are Sallie! 427 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,600 And those... 428 00:18:01,630 --> 00:18:02,770 are Sullys. 429 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,100 Robot replicas of the greatest pilot of all time. 430 00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:07,670 He lost all their bags. 431 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,270 No one talks about that. 432 00:18:09,310 --> 00:18:12,640 You are the greatest living educators, of humans. 433 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,610 But now you must face the greatest challenge 434 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,010 of your lives: 435 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:19,620 Can you teach an artificial intelligence? 436 00:18:19,650 --> 00:18:21,450 To teach a robot. 437 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:24,150 Now you've compounded my interest. 438 00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:29,160 That was a very useful time cut. 439 00:18:29,190 --> 00:18:31,490 Now, let's find out what's going on. 440 00:18:31,530 --> 00:18:32,960 Leave that to me, Robert. 441 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,460 What's going on? 442 00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,970 I'll tell you, and I won't kill you afterwards. 443 00:18:39,670 --> 00:18:42,170 What? This is a student loan application. 444 00:18:42,210 --> 00:18:43,970 Mm. Sallie... 445 00:18:44,010 --> 00:18:45,470 Sallie Mae? 446 00:18:45,510 --> 00:18:47,640 The Federal Student Loan Program? 447 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,450 You're creating an army of robots so advanced 448 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:52,480 that they can get student loans. 449 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,780 That's right. These stu-bots... Or ro-dents, if you prefer... 450 00:18:55,820 --> 00:18:57,850 Will attend the universities I've been buying up 451 00:18:57,890 --> 00:19:01,390 and funnel billions of taxpayer dollars to me. 452 00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:03,660 That's it. As Americans, it's our duty to either 453 00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:07,900 stop evil billionaires or elect them to the highest office. 454 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:12,370 Well, we've done it. You're all up to your polyurethane necks 455 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,070 in debt and heading to Yale. 456 00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:16,710 Follow me. 457 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,070 Boola Boola. 458 00:19:18,110 --> 00:19:19,210 Boola Boola. 459 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,580 Good luck, Homer. 460 00:19:20,610 --> 00:19:22,750 Will I see you at the last minute saving the day? 461 00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:24,580 Nah, too clichéd. 462 00:19:29,050 --> 00:19:30,820 The Sallies have blended right in. 463 00:19:30,850 --> 00:19:33,320 We've got 12 productions of The Crucible going on, 464 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,720 and the deepest Division III women's lacrosse team 465 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,360 the world has ever seen. 466 00:19:40,460 --> 00:19:43,400 They're perfect students in every way. 467 00:19:44,470 --> 00:19:47,640 And that's their weakness. 468 00:19:51,770 --> 00:19:53,740 Bleep, blop, bloop. 469 00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:55,110 Bleep, bloop, blorp. 470 00:19:55,140 --> 00:19:56,450 I am a robot, too. 471 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,280 My father was a toaster. 472 00:19:58,310 --> 00:19:59,680 He's in botface. 473 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,920 That's unbelievably offensive. 474 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,190 Microaggression. 475 00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:04,950 Cultural appropriation. 476 00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:06,390 Offensive. Offensive. 477 00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:08,090 Offensive. 478 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:11,590 Dear Lord, those teachers made them too human. 479 00:20:11,630 --> 00:20:13,200 You've ruined me. 480 00:20:13,230 --> 00:20:14,400 Well, not completely. 481 00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:17,300 I still have my health. 482 00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:20,370 So, how much will it cost if my daughter applies in ten years? 483 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,570 $2,000. 484 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:22,870 That's not so bad. 485 00:20:22,910 --> 00:20:25,170 That's the application fee. Oh, yeah. 486 00:20:30,650 --> 00:20:32,326 Lisa, do you see them? The rings of Saturn. 487 00:20:32,350 --> 00:20:33,480 I do. 488 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,050 The question is, what is five-sixths? 489 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,290 Marge, listen to me. 490 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,990 You can't fix stupid. 491 00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:41,260 You have to kill him for the insurance. 492 00:20:41,290 --> 00:20:44,060 I've always said these tags are pointless. 493 00:20:44,090 --> 00:20:46,630 Story's over. Good night. 494 00:20:50,670 --> 00:20:51,976 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 495 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,300 ♪ * To the tables down at Mory's ♪ 496 00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:59,310 ♪ * To the place where ♪ ♪ Louie dwells * ♪ 497 00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:02,410 ♪ * To the dear old Temple Bar ♪ 498 00:21:02,450 --> 00:21:05,410 ♪ * We love so well ♪ 499 00:21:05,450 --> 00:21:08,820 ♪ * Sing the Whiffenpoofs ♪ ♪ assembled * ♪ 500 00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,460 ♪ * With their glasses ♪ ♪ raised on high * ♪ 501 00:21:12,490 --> 00:21:17,960 ♪ * And the magic of their singing ♪ ♪ casts its spell * ♪ 502 00:21:17,990 --> 00:21:21,530 ♪ * Yes, the magic ♪ ♪ of their singing * ♪ 503 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,930 ♪ * Of the songs we love ♪ ♪ so well. * ♪ 504 00:21:25,970 --> 00:21:27,640 Release the hounds. 505 00:21:32,070 --> 00:21:34,080 Shh!