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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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What, too soon?
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Aah!
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D'oh!
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Avast there.
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It be too late to alter course, matey.
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And there be pirates
lurking in every cove.
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Get to the ride.
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Did they get a picture?
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Welcome to our first-ever
night of dramatic scenes
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written by our students.
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Should we silence our
cell phones and pagers?
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No, no, no, please,
I beg you, leave them on.
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An-And here-here's some candy to unwrap.
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And now, an new scene
from the CW's Riverdale.
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Jughead, there's been a murder
at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe
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and it's up to us kids to solve it.
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I can't deal with that right now.
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My dad's in jail and the
only way to get him out
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is to try drugs.
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We're both pregnant
with Big Moose's babies.
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Wait. So this is a play
based on a YouTube
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of kids playing a video game?
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- That's right.
- It's about time.
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Okay, to get their chug jugs,
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I could snipe these guys out one by one,
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but the smarter move
is to plant a charge
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at the base of their attack platform
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and skull-splat 'em when they land.
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Hey, guys, if you want
more game hacks like this,
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be sure to smash our like button
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and subscribe to our channel.
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Up next, night vision fails.
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How is this a play?
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Well, sir, video game walk-throughs
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are the only narrative
most of these kids
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have been exposed to.
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- This is their Becket.
- Who?
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Are you Terry Bradshaw?
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No. It's, uh, Donny Osmond.
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Boner. Boner from Growing Pains.
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You're all wrong. My real identity is...
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Flavor Flav!
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Flavor Flav? I've heard of you.
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I've heard of you so much.
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I am such a huge fan of your
movies, books, or music.
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I can also pretend to be impressed.
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The end.
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Wake up. Lisa's next.
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Oh, no, please. I'm
having the best dream.
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I was in my warm, cozy grave.
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Well, I'm gonna dream about
me in a soft, cuddly crypt.
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- Yeah...
- Ah...
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Amazingly, this next piece
is not based on something
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you watch on your phone or a gas pump,
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but is actually an
honest-to-goodness play,
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by Lisa "Thank God You're
a Throwback" Simpson.
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And so I give you
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Long Day's Journey Into Light Beer.
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Where's my beer, Marjorie?
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I spent all day making
sure this beer was cold.
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Aah! I make bad choices.
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Lisa's really nailed the Hibberts.
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Uh, yo, dude, my catchphrases
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are as outdated as my slingshot.
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Ay, caramba!
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Oh, Mom, it's so hard being
a straight-A student
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with a social conscience
who writes amazing plays.
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The only stable thing
in this house is you,
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making every day the same as the last.
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Exactly the same.
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Like the coffee maker says,
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things will perk up.
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I thought you were the coffee maker.
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You can learn a lot from percolators.
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Make the most of the daily grind.
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The mother character is such a snooze.
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Ralph has nothing to play against.
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They think I'm boring.
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This play is about us!
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Today I decided to be a race car driver,
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so I was, then I quit.
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I also have exciting news.
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I converted four soap slivers
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into practically a new bar.
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Is this how the world sees me... as a...
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How do the kids say lame-o these days?
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We say lame-o, you lame-o.
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Suck, suck. And I felt like the ghost
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belonging to the fog.
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And the fog was the ghost of the sea.
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Suck, suck.
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You really think I'm that boring?
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Lisa, you made someone feel sad,
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which is not what a drama about
a family is supposed to do.
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Marge, could we get a picture?
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Okay.
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_
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So all the generations...
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Boring. They think I'm boring.
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I'll show them who's boring.
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Now, this morning, Marge Simpson
has insistently volunteered
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to read a passage.
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She says she's gonna
bring her own spin to it.
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Now, a reading from John, 18:38,
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between Pontius Pilate and Jesus.
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Marge! Marge! Marge!
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Hey-a Jesus,
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what's a matter for you?
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You saying youse a king?
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He was Roman,
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that's why I'm doing the accent.
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Anyhoo, Jesus answered,
and I think it might have gone
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something like this.
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I'm not a king, I'm a carpenter.
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A Jewish carpenter.
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The only thing I nail are my SATs.
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So then, Pontius says to the elders,
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"This-a Jesus, he-a
look like a nice-a guy."
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Nobody talk-a like-a that.
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I make a nice-a sentence.
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Just like-a Mama used to construct.
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- Oh...
- Can we just hear
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Lovejoy's sermon, please?
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Yeah, Marge, read the room.
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Mm...
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You need this more than we do, lady.
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Boring. That's what this
straight-A Girl Scout
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has become... boring.
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You just had a near-death experience.
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That's exciting.
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Whoo! What a rich life you lead, Mom.
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I'm going to bed.
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That will really turn around
your boring reputation.
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Shh.
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Don't worry, Homer, I'll chop the wood.
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Like always.
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I have to do everything.
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Even chop the trees.
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- Hyah!
- Whoa!
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Hyah!
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Hyah!
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Mmm. I know where she can put
that chopping to good use.
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- Homer's neck?
- No.
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He doesn't have one. Something better.
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Lower your right hand.
Gives you more power.
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Hmm.
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Thanks, um...
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Paula. Friend of Patty's.
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We met at Burning Woman.
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Nice job on that wood.
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I helped.
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Yeah, you helped, all right.
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You helped that hammock kiss the ground.
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D'oh.
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Marge, I don't know if you know this,
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but I'm a top-level
contender at Timbersports.
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That's so interesting.
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How does it feel to be magnificent?
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I'll show you.
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♪ The only card I need
is the ace of spades ♪
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♪ The ace of spades. ♪
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That is a fascinating hobby.
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Timbersports is more than a hobby.
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It's an unpaid passion that
you do in your spare time.
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Now, we're going to the woods.
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Ah.
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- What are you doing?
- Breathing.
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Breathing for the first time in my life.
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Ah.
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Can I do one thing
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for the knots in your shoulders?
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Sure.
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Aah... Ooh, ooh! Ooh!
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Not so... Oh.
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Now, to motivate your chopping,
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think of things that make you mad.
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Oh, nothing really makes me mad.
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Mom, Lisa won't stay on her
side of the thought bubble.
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You have five seconds to live.
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So do you, idiot. We're
in the same bubble.
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My final words are Lisa sucks!
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She's a natural.
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♪ I walked into the forest ♪
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♪ So beautiful and green ♪
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♪ And there I saw a woman ♪
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♪ Who was chopping down a tree ♪
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♪ The sawdust was flyin' ♪
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♪ She was spinnin' on a log ♪
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♪ On her waist was
strapped a tool belt ♪
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♪ With a Black & Decker saw ♪
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♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪
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♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪
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♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪
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♪ With Lumberjill ♪
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♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪
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♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪
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♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪
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♪ With Lumberjill. ♪
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Ooh, ooh...
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Ooh, ooh...
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_
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I'm Chip Bunyan, eh, and welcome
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to the Springfield Timbersports Pro-Am.
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I'm here with former NBA
analyst Anger Watkins.
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Timbersports. Timber sports?
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I snap one P.A.'s bra strap,
and this is where I land?
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00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:16,099
Who is the Lebron of this
thing? No one will tell me.
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His name is Matt Cogar.
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Is his nickname The Cougar?
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00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,540
No, his nickname is Matt.
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00:10:21,550 --> 00:10:23,279
Matt isn't a nickname.
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00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:24,699
It's a name name.
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00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,759
I'd storm out of here right now
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00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,939
if I weren't so terrified of squirrels.
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Take my money! Take it!
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00:10:30,526 --> 00:10:32,939
I'm glad Mom's found a passion,
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00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:35,620
but I wish she didn't have
to kill all those trees.
219
00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:38,719
I read that trees are the
cause of global warming.
220
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:39,989
Where'd you read that?
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00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:41,639
My new fourth grade science book.
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00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,719
And they're off, displaying
lots of forest gumption, eh?
223
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,479
First we have Nelson Muntz.
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00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,679
He's ten years old, but,
man, is it a hard ten.
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00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,239
Hey. That's my boy.
226
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,271
He gets his pole skills from his mama.
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Oh! Marge Simpson takes the lead!
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00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,258
No one saw this coming,
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00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:19,320
because no one was watching.
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00:11:19,325 --> 00:11:22,953
What could possibly be her motivation?
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00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,498
I'm not boring!
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00:11:30,377 --> 00:11:32,129
- Woo-hoo!
- Yay!
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00:11:33,030 --> 00:11:36,699
You magnificent she-beast.
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00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,840
All our sweaty passion
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00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:40,929
and grunting paid off.
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00:11:40,930 --> 00:11:42,439
Now's the time I should tell you.
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00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,139
Paula is gay.
238
00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:46,601
Aw. She made a friend.
239
00:11:46,602 --> 00:11:49,020
You've made me a new woman.
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00:11:49,021 --> 00:11:51,219
Oh. Should I be concerned?
241
00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:54,840
It's no weirder than that time
our knees touched under the bar.
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You still think about that?
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Every day.
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00:11:59,698 --> 00:12:03,579
Aw. I haven't been this
happy in a long time.
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You were great, but I have a question.
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00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:08,819
Do you want to take
it to the next level?
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00:12:08,820 --> 00:12:09,879
What do you mean?
248
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,919
Will you ride the blade with me?
249
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,119
You know, help me bow
the jagged-toothed fiddle?
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00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,539
I don't understand.
251
00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:18,549
Draw and drag the sequoia widow-maker.
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00:12:18,550 --> 00:12:20,969
You're gonna have to tell me
what you're talking about.
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00:12:20,970 --> 00:12:24,555
Will you be my partner on
the double-ended bucksaw?
254
00:12:24,556 --> 00:12:27,226
You really think that
I have what it takes?
255
00:12:27,227 --> 00:12:28,619
I know you do.
256
00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,699
But if we do this,
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00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:33,679
you'll have to train with me
for a month, in Portland.
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00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,068
A month? Oh, no, I can't
leave Homer that long.
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00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,650
_
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00:12:54,336 --> 00:12:57,329
Oh. Fantasies can be good?
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00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,139
Good to have you back.
262
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,439
Boy, am I beat.
263
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:08,999
Homie, I feel like
264
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,959
I'm my very best self
in these competitions.
265
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,219
You are, honey.
266
00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:17,059
In a way I could never make
you feel or comprehend.
267
00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:18,639
Paula wants me to train with her.
268
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,199
If I do, I'll be gone for a month.
269
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,903
A month? We've never
been apart that long.
270
00:13:22,904 --> 00:13:25,659
I miss you when we're
separated in a revolving door.
271
00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:27,979
I miss you when I'm putting
a sweater over my head.
272
00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:30,560
I miss you when I close
my eyes during a sneeze.
273
00:13:30,570 --> 00:13:33,199
I miss you when the clock
springs ahead an hour.
274
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,000
We'll never get that time back.
275
00:13:35,002 --> 00:13:37,739
Homer, do you really want me to stay,
276
00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:39,959
knowing how much I need this
277
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,919
to feel good about myself?
278
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,479
Yes, I do.
279
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,379
What? What?
280
00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:46,559
Where you going?
281
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,479
She might leave and never come back.
282
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,419
Just like the McRib.
283
00:13:53,130 --> 00:13:56,880
_
284
00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:02,070
_
285
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:05,749
_
286
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,242
_
287
00:14:07,243 --> 00:14:09,730
_
288
00:14:09,745 --> 00:14:10,749
_
289
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,059
Oh. I forgot to unlock the door.
290
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:15,079
God, how insulting to people.
291
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,399
So nervous about seeing your mother.
292
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,019
Let's just enjoy Portland.
293
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:21,329
I mean, I can't believe we've
never been here before.
294
00:14:21,330 --> 00:14:24,019
Indigenous artworks, craft breweries,
295
00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:25,519
independent movie theaters...
296
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,679
and that's just in one coffee shop.
297
00:14:31,010 --> 00:14:33,039
Comic Book Guy?
298
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,999
Yes, I often come here to recharge.
299
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,850
In Portland I'm quirky,
rather than objectionable.
300
00:14:37,856 --> 00:14:39,274
Do you sell comic books here?
301
00:14:39,275 --> 00:14:42,039
No. Marijuana. And artisanal salami.
302
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,109
Laced with marijuana.
303
00:14:54,790 --> 00:14:57,289
Stupid Flanders Street.
304
00:14:57,290 --> 00:15:00,120
Okay, this is where your mom is.
305
00:15:00,129 --> 00:15:01,399
Help me get her back.
306
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,200
Please help me get her back.
307
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:07,679
Ooh. Hello, Nicolas Cage.
308
00:15:08,850 --> 00:15:11,699
Dad, she's gonna know
that's not your real hair.
309
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,779
You've got to have a modicum
of faith in who you are.
310
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:16,180
It's a snap.
311
00:15:17,441 --> 00:15:19,649
Cool.
312
00:15:19,650 --> 00:15:22,179
Welcome, new friend,
313
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:23,359
whoever you are.
314
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,419
Homie!
315
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,071
You're here a day early.
316
00:15:27,072 --> 00:15:29,099
Mom!
317
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:32,699
Mm. Oh, I've missed you all so much.
318
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,179
How are you guys?
319
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,989
Oh! We were, of course, unraveling.
320
00:15:36,990 --> 00:15:40,399
Bart, Lisa, your grampa is
taking good care of you.
321
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,880
Now where's the baby?
322
00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,840
Aw. Good girl.
323
00:15:45,841 --> 00:15:48,426
Um, I like what you're wearing.
324
00:15:48,427 --> 00:15:51,239
Thank you. These are
locally-sourced dungarees
325
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,619
and Pendleton flannel.
326
00:15:52,620 --> 00:15:54,119
It's what Jill Sobule wore
327
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,979
when she played the Crystal Ballroom.
328
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:57,919
Jill Sobule?
329
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,419
Like every other place
we go, I love Portland.
330
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:03,659
So much, I want to leave Springfield
331
00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:06,559
until I find out something
bad that makes me realize
332
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,199
that there's no place like home.
333
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,359
Now, now, your mother
has not settled in here.
334
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,439
Welcome.
335
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,453
These are our pugs: Nike and Swoosh.
336
00:16:15,454 --> 00:16:16,790
Mwah.
337
00:16:17,873 --> 00:16:19,541
_
338
00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:21,877
_
339
00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:34,889
Marjorie, could you and I
have a word in the backyard?
340
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,807
Don't you see what's happening here?
341
00:16:36,808 --> 00:16:39,699
- You're married.
- Yes, I know.
342
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,779
- To you.
- No, to her. Look around.
343
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,619
You're married in the two most
important ways there are:
344
00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:48,059
emotionally and cooking.
345
00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:50,479
Oh. That's ridiculous.
346
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,999
You're fostering pugs.
347
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,034
- They remind me of you.
- Aw.
348
00:16:55,035 --> 00:16:58,039
But I am upset. I'm
finally good at something
349
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,789
and you have to be jealous.
350
00:16:59,790 --> 00:17:02,219
Marge, sweetie, I'm really proud of you.
351
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:03,760
I'm not jealous or mad.
352
00:17:03,770 --> 00:17:06,499
It's just... when are you coming home?
353
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,900
Tomorrow, after the competition.
354
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,900
Woo-hoo! I win.
355
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,220
Not that I was nervous.
356
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:17,549
_
357
00:17:17,550 --> 00:17:20,199
Unless we win, in which case,
358
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,699
I might stay and prep for the finals.
359
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,419
Marge, I've backed you
in this from day one.
360
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,099
No, you haven't. Not a bit.
361
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,480
Then it's too late to start now.
362
00:17:34,825 --> 00:17:36,879
Oh, I'm sitting in a bar
363
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,699
and my wife's in love
with a female lumberjack.
364
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,699
Classic Portland. Where are you from?
365
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:42,859
Springfield.
366
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,569
- Which one? Oregon?
- I don't know.
367
00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:47,739
Welcome back to the Grizzly Timbersports
368
00:17:47,740 --> 00:17:49,879
Northwest Championship Finals,
369
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,899
brought to you by no one.
370
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,093
Still looking.
371
00:17:54,428 --> 00:17:56,929
Marge and Paula are in control.
372
00:17:56,930 --> 00:17:59,307
I am falling in love with this sport.
373
00:17:59,308 --> 00:18:01,769
And when I fall, I fall hard.
374
00:18:01,770 --> 00:18:03,819
I'm taking you home with me.
375
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,769
Hold the Stella, fella.
376
00:18:07,770 --> 00:18:11,319
Carol "Oak" Connor and
Rachel "The Pine" Cohen
377
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,862
have taken command.
378
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,959
I can't be silent anymore.
Let me through.
379
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,449
- Eh.
- There's plenty of room.
380
00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:21,839
Marge, I was a lumber-jerk.
381
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,799
I'm only happy if you're happy.
382
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,799
Our love is like an old tree.
383
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,369
If you cut it down,
it grows back stronger.
384
00:18:29,370 --> 00:18:31,199
Um, that's not how trees work.
385
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,119
Well, according to my book, it is.
386
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,470
_
387
00:18:37,429 --> 00:18:40,179
Yay! All right.
388
00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:42,159
I love this sport!
389
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,859
And maybe now I can
love my lumberjack son.
390
00:18:47,690 --> 00:18:50,179
Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion
391
00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:53,899
and winner of a Bass Pro
Shops $50 gift card,
392
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,159
Marge Simpson.
393
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,820
All right, champ!
394
00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,199
See you in the showers.
395
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,199
Congratulations, Paula.
396
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,529
You won. Enjoy the hell out of her.
397
00:19:05,530 --> 00:19:08,539
Homer, what is it you
think that I've won?
398
00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:10,479
With me, Marge is a good woman.
399
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,499
With you, Marge is a great woman
400
00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:13,882
with two awesome dogs.
401
00:19:13,883 --> 00:19:15,919
I'm not interested in Marge.
402
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,799
- I have a wife and a kid.
- You have a wife?
403
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,939
She's in Tokyo,
training for the Olympics.
404
00:19:20,940 --> 00:19:24,499
She dances... with the ribbons?
405
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:25,579
I don't know what it's called.
406
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:27,719
So you're not breaking us up?
407
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,799
No. I mean, I'll miss her on
the other end of the bucksaw,
408
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:34,179
and I'll really miss that
$80 grand prize money,
409
00:19:34,180 --> 00:19:37,071
but she's welcome to come
up here and train any time.
410
00:19:37,072 --> 00:19:40,099
I am so grateful. I want
to do something for you.
411
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:41,359
If you'd like another kid,
412
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,039
I am more than happy
to offer up my sperm.
413
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,079
That's very kind, but...
414
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,279
No really, I've always
wanted to have a kid
415
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,079
with no responsibilities.
416
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,919
All right. You're in the top three.
417
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,756
It's you, the track star
or the Harvard professor.
418
00:19:54,757 --> 00:19:56,139
Oh, I get it.
419
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:58,199
Instead of sperm, would you like semen?
420
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,139
- They're the same thing.
- They are? Uh-oh.
421
00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:03,499
Oh, it still feels weird.
422
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:04,959
I don't know what to say to her.
423
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:09,059
I never would've thought of that.
424
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,399
Honey, would you like to come home?
425
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,700
Aw. Okay.
426
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,519
Your daddy loves you, sweetie.
427
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,739
He wants to make sure
428
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,616
you're always a strong,
confident little lady.
429
00:20:22,617 --> 00:20:25,030
So I went out and got you this.
430
00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,860
Mwah.
431
00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:33,899
Aw, her baby head fell out.
432
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,100
You'll be getting a visit
from the Head Fairy.
433
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:41,386
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