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- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Smithers, release the Christmas hounds.
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♪ All is not well, on this noel ♪
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♪ It's looking grim for Reverend Tim ♪
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♪ This should be his very busy season ♪
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♪ No one's coming, tell
me what's the reason ♪
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♪ What will he do, pull up a pew ♪
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♪ As we bid adieu, look for Disco Stu. ♪
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Usually, the Fourth Sunday
of Advent is packed.
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I hope the reverend
isn't losing his touch.
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Comparing the Three Wise
Men to the Beastie Boys
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seemed more desperate than hip.
I'm serious.
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Even Milhouse could've made that.
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What is it, Helen?
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Uh, well, Tim, just
thought you should know,
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a very special fan club is
waiting to talk to you.
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Mm!
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A semi-circle? What gives?
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Ned? Agnes?
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Mel? The Parson?
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That's right, your boss.
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And I'd like to introduce
you to my boss,
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the Patriarch.
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Actually, Parson, we all
have the same boss.
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The Metropolitan.
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And it is his will that we
come together here for...
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a divine intervention.
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Look, since when is it a crime
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to mix Pinot Noir and Vicodin?
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Oh, we don't care if
you wreck your liver
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with Sancerre and acetaminophen.
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You can pop pain pills like cran-raisins
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for all we care.
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We're here 'cause you're not
packing the p-p-p-pews.
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The church is emptier
than a syrup bottle
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after a pancake breakfast.
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Oh, people have reasons to miss mass.
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There's flu going around, the new Jeeps
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are in at the dealership.
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Lot of new features, the big
screen up front, where...
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It's not just attendance, Reverend.
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It's that sometimes when you
speak, my mind wanders,
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to, uh, non-religious areas.
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Timothy, admit it. You're in a slump.
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How many souls have you
personally converted
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to our faith this year?
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Negative six.
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You have some converting to do.
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I haven't been heard from!
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And what do you have to say?
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Nothing!
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Just pointing it out.
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Okay, I can do this.
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I'm a good man.
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And Springfield is nothing if
not a good Christian community.
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I'm worried about this festival.
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It's like something you'd
see in a college town.
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Come on, Mom,
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get with the pagan agenda.
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Ha. This doggy likes me.
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Don't worry, Ralphie, I'll
shoot you off of there.
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Uh-oh.
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Come on guys, let's go check out
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this year's feature attraction:
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the Strandbeest.
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Powered by the wind!
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Wow. Uh...
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Is this science,
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or garbage?
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- Dutch art.
- Ooh!
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And I'll bet it's
environmentally conscious.
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No. It is not.
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Whoa. It's alive!
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Hmm. The wind is picking up slightly.
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This is a disaster!
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The Beest is built for the
polite breezes of Europe.
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Save me, Odin.
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Look, Dad, I can skate backwards!
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Great, Sophie! Just watch
out for Strandbeests!
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What the...?
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Okay, I got to warn ya.
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Regular morphine doesn't
work on me anymore.
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Call this number and they'll
send the stuff I need.
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It'll say "for elephants,"
but ignore that.
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Sorry about this, Sophie.
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Couldn't have come at a worse time.
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I only get one week of
custody, once a year.
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It's okay, Dad. We'll
get to know each other
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in this semi-private room.
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Oh, I'll give you all
the privacy you need.
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Ah...
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Harold?
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Private room!
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Mm-hmm.
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Uh... So,
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uh, how's your act coming along?
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I'm not in show business.
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What kind of a screwed-up kid are you?
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I'm not screwed up. I get good grades.
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I play the French horn.
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Good, good.
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You know, it's funny when
someone's playing it
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and their pants fall down.
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I haven't had that happen.
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Well, don't feel bad.
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It's actually a pretty complicated rig.
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The whole megillah is a big tzimmes.
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Tzimmes? Megillah?
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00:05:03,616 --> 00:05:04,815
It's Yiddish.
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The language of our fakakta people.
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Mom raised me Christian.
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A Christian?
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That farbissina shiksa.
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How can you ignore the sacred traditions
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of the Jewish people?
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Krusty, here's your bacon,
lobster and tref sandwich.
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Hey, it was supposed to
come with a side of camel.
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Extra cloven.
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Dad, you don't have to be
sort of funny with me.
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The thing is, I want to
celebrate this time with you.
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Sweetie, I know you're reaching out.
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But to me, Christmas
is just another day.
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I usually curl up with a
good bookmaker, and...
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Well...
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Why don't the two of you
spend Christmas with us?
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Our home isn't fancy, but
we'd love to set a place
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for two more.
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Marge, we accept.
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Can we bring anything?
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Just yourself.
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That'll cost you.
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Oh, Maggie.
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Guess who just came down the chimney?
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A magical holiday friend,
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straight from the North Pole.
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He's called the Gnome In Your
Home, and he works for Santa,
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by watching you all the time.
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According to a book sold separately,
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the Gnome In Your Home
doesn't need food or sleep.
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He lives for just one thing:
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to tell Santa if you're bad or good.
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He's gonna live here on your shelf,
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and he never shuts his eyes.
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Isn't that cute?
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You'd better be good,
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or he'll nibble your wittle fingers!
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Oh, boy, Krusty's here!
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A very merry Christmas,
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from the bottom of my heart.
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Did you get the shot?
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How did it play? Was I too sincere?
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Perfect, Mr. K!
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Start laying dolly track.
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Come on, damn it!
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Christmas is about one thing:
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being with family.
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Sophie, come sit on Daddy's lap.
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I don't want to be on camera.
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Fine, we'll just
motion-capture her in later.
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Aww, that's my girl.
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Oh, what a beautiful gingerbread house.
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Wish I could make one.
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And I can! On a multi-function
Minolta printer.
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Print, scan, copy,
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let Minolta do your Xeroxing!
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"...when what to my wondering
yes did appear..."
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To hear me read the rest of this poem,
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dial 1-900-OLD-POEM.
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$9.95 per call.
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All I wanted was to spend
the holidays with you
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so we could learn more about each other.
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Well, I learned!
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Get out!
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What? Seriously?
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00:08:02,862 --> 00:08:05,262
You really want me to go?
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Yes.
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00:08:06,932 --> 00:08:09,299
Right now.
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00:08:13,939 --> 00:08:16,306
Uh, can we get some room tone?
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Just 20 seconds.
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Oh, Sophie! Please, forgive me.
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I canceled the show.
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00:08:32,838 --> 00:08:35,100
I'm pulling up duct tape myself,
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00:08:35,125 --> 00:08:37,825
like a caveman!
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00:08:37,861 --> 00:08:40,395
Just leave me alone.
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00:08:44,301 --> 00:08:45,867
If the Word of God isn't enough,
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I also have some rubber jar openers.
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00:08:49,573 --> 00:08:52,607
I've been directing Christmas
pageants for 30 years.
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00:08:52,642 --> 00:08:55,210
There's no way there's a God.
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00:08:55,245 --> 00:08:58,913
Forget it. Our nonsense is so
much better than your nonsense.
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00:08:58,949 --> 00:09:01,182
Look at this guy! He
can be a Pixar hero.
191
00:09:01,218 --> 00:09:02,283
Look at him!
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00:09:02,319 --> 00:09:04,619
No, maybe I'm just not cut out
193
00:09:04,654 --> 00:09:06,354
for the God game.
194
00:09:06,389 --> 00:09:08,856
Maybe I could teach S.A.T. Prep.
195
00:09:08,892 --> 00:09:12,427
At least there are answers
in the back of that book.
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00:09:16,666 --> 00:09:20,034
What kind of poison
do you serve to a guy
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00:09:20,070 --> 00:09:22,737
whose daughter hates his guts?
198
00:09:22,772 --> 00:09:25,807
Yeah. Try a Duff Numb.
No flavor, just alcohol.
199
00:09:27,277 --> 00:09:30,578
I need something that makes
me feel better in my heart.
200
00:09:30,614 --> 00:09:32,080
Like firing a writer.
201
00:09:32,115 --> 00:09:34,415
Especially one who just bought a house.
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00:09:34,451 --> 00:09:35,750
Mm...
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00:09:37,153 --> 00:09:40,388
My son, I'm here to guide you
to the most powerful man
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00:09:40,423 --> 00:09:43,124
in this world, or any other.
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00:09:43,159 --> 00:09:44,926
J.J. Abrams?
206
00:09:44,961 --> 00:09:46,761
No. Jesus.
207
00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:50,064
He is reaching his arms out to you.
208
00:09:51,101 --> 00:09:52,734
Oh, my God.
209
00:09:52,769 --> 00:09:54,102
I can see him.
210
00:09:54,137 --> 00:09:55,970
I am a Christian!
211
00:10:00,710 --> 00:10:02,677
Uh, Chief, I think you got him.
212
00:10:02,712 --> 00:10:04,312
Yeah, it's Christmas.
213
00:10:04,347 --> 00:10:06,114
Just bang his head on the car door
214
00:10:06,149 --> 00:10:07,415
and we'll call it a day.
215
00:10:07,450 --> 00:10:08,950
Merry Christmas.
216
00:10:08,985 --> 00:10:09,984
Good night, sweet Maggie.
217
00:10:10,020 --> 00:10:11,019
Mwah.
218
00:10:12,055 --> 00:10:13,321
Why are you huddling over there?
219
00:10:13,356 --> 00:10:14,789
The gnome can't see you.
220
00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:16,791
I'll move your crib closer.
221
00:10:19,963 --> 00:10:22,130
There.
222
00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:31,005
Oh, sorry, I forgot your nightlight.
223
00:10:32,876 --> 00:10:35,276
The gnome can't nibble your fingers
224
00:10:35,312 --> 00:10:36,944
if he can't see them.
225
00:10:40,517 --> 00:10:42,383
Hey, Maggie.
226
00:10:42,419 --> 00:10:43,951
I thought I'd try the violin.
227
00:11:02,372 --> 00:11:04,672
I've got a tummy ache.
228
00:11:04,708 --> 00:11:08,176
Maybe I ate too much before bedtime.
229
00:11:13,383 --> 00:11:16,417
Have you been a bad baby?
230
00:11:16,453 --> 00:11:17,585
Oh.
231
00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:19,354
Don't lie to me...
232
00:11:19,389 --> 00:11:22,423
or Christmas morning will never come!
233
00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:41,876
Oh, don't worry, Maggie.
234
00:11:41,911 --> 00:11:45,680
He can't beat the super
team of Santa, Jack Frost,
235
00:11:45,715 --> 00:11:49,617
the Abominable Snowman
and Wayne Gretzky.
236
00:11:49,652 --> 00:11:51,285
He's got a gun.
237
00:12:11,975 --> 00:12:14,275
Merry Christmas, Maggie!
238
00:12:17,580 --> 00:12:20,148
Was Maggie a good little girl?
239
00:12:20,183 --> 00:12:21,983
She was?!
240
00:12:22,018 --> 00:12:25,620
Well, you did such a good job, Mr.
Gnome,
241
00:12:25,655 --> 00:12:27,655
that we're gonna leave you here
242
00:12:27,690 --> 00:12:29,490
all year round.
243
00:12:41,137 --> 00:12:42,804
"...which they also did
and sent to the elders
244
00:12:42,839 --> 00:12:44,272
by the hands of Barnabas and Saul."
245
00:12:44,307 --> 00:12:46,073
Now, I'd like to introduce
246
00:12:46,109 --> 00:12:48,476
our newest brother in faith:
247
00:12:48,511 --> 00:12:50,845
Krusty the Christian.
248
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:54,182
♪ Amazing grace ♪
249
00:12:54,217 --> 00:12:57,518
♪ How sweet the sound ♪
250
00:12:57,554 --> 00:13:00,922
♪ That saved a putz ♪
251
00:13:00,957 --> 00:13:03,524
♪ Like me. ♪
252
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:07,728
Aw, I remember the day
she came into my life.
253
00:13:11,301 --> 00:13:14,535
Oh, here's a present for Maggie.
254
00:13:16,973 --> 00:13:19,941
And the good news is,
Spycraft Toys makes
255
00:13:19,976 --> 00:13:22,443
other invasive dolls: Narc In The Park,
256
00:13:22,479 --> 00:13:23,711
Bear Who's Always There
257
00:13:23,746 --> 00:13:25,446
and Snoop While You Poop.
258
00:13:25,482 --> 00:13:26,614
Won't that be fun?
259
00:13:26,649 --> 00:13:28,349
So much fun.
260
00:13:33,890 --> 00:13:36,891
Oh, now sweetie, that's a
present for your mother.
261
00:13:36,926 --> 00:13:39,727
Another Christmas in the bag.
262
00:13:39,762 --> 00:13:41,696
I love my juicer.
263
00:13:43,733 --> 00:13:47,502
And don't worry, Marge,
I'm adding fruit.
264
00:13:48,872 --> 00:13:50,137
You know,
265
00:13:50,173 --> 00:13:53,040
I might have one more present for you.
266
00:14:01,351 --> 00:14:02,316
What is it?
267
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What is it?!
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What the...?!
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Welcome to the Krusty the Clown
Sober Contemplation Hour.
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Pray, pray, kids.
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We've got a very uplifting show today.
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He is risen.
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And now please silently reflect
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upon the wholesome new teachings
of Itchy and Scratchy.
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♪ They pray, they pray ♪
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♪ They pray and they don't slay ♪
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♪ Pray, pray, pray, they found a way ♪
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♪ The pious mouse and cat. ♪
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_
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_
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"They shall beat their swords
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into plowshares."
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I think it's about time
we put on some clothes.
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And then this happened.
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Wow, Dad, you wrecked your entire show
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just to prove you love me.
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Wait a minute, wait a minute.
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Here comes a cream pie.
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Coming up next, we've got
some hilarious comedians.
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Finally.
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Andrew Nice Clay,
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Larry the Fable Guy
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and Joe Piscopalian.
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Oh, if he was gonna convert,
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why didn't he pick a funny religion?
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Like Zoroastrianism.
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Their top god is named Mazda.
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Tell me that's not hilarious.
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And now the moment you've
been waiting for...
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The nature of the universe
is we are forced to wait
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for every moment.
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As Mazda teaches us...
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Shh!
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My daughter will play
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the French horn
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and no one's pants will drop.
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I guess this will just be for me.
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Well, look at you, all
cool and collected.
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Oh, well, even the
Lord rested on Sunday.
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But Krusty's not ours
till he's b-b-b-baptized.
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You have to get his soul and his
bank router number on autopay.
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Oh, he wanted to do it
the old-fashioned way,
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in the river with Miss Teenage Nevada,
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but the river's frozen.
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I have to wait until the ice melts.
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Mm-mm-mm.
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I had you pegged for a closer, Tim.
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You know, Ogdenville is looking
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for a prison chaplain.
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The last one, well...
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he got a very cool tattoo...
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that he didn't ask for.
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♪ Gather with the saints ♪
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♪ At the river ♪
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♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪
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♪ Throne of God. ♪
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Will the baptismal
candidate please approach?
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You're sure you want to do this, Dad?
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Seems kind of meshugana.
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I want to be a total
Christian for you, babe,
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so I'm gonna shpritz my tuchis...
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Be careful of the current.
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Don't worry, I haven't
been current in years.
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Huh? Huh? Oh.
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Oh, great, my death is a
hacky parody of Frozen.
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Dad? But who's the moose?
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I'm your first agent.
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Oh, this is the most we've ever spoken.
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I must be dead.
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You're not dead yet.
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Listen, I should know because I am.
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And life was no picnic,
but let me tell you,
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death is no picnic, either.
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Your biggest mistake
is expecting picnics.
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Dad!
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Oh, I suppose you're not happy
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that I'm converting.
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Herschel, your heart just stopped
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so I'll make this very quick.
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There's no one religion that
makes you a good father.
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All you got to do is
think of your children
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before yourself, that's all...
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except with those oxygen masks
that you get on the planes.
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There it's vice-a-versa.
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Well, I guess you would know.
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You're a rabbi who's
seen the face of God.
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00:18:08,496 --> 00:18:10,730
Actually, I'm a hallucination
caused by cell death
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in your suffocating brain.
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00:18:12,333 --> 00:18:15,668
Also, I saw you texting
during my funeral.
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00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:18,237
For shame!
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00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,406
Oh, reel him in.
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00:18:20,442 --> 00:18:21,841
You've caught a drowning man!
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00:18:21,876 --> 00:18:23,142
Slow down.
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First I'm gonna play him a little.
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"I shall be a fisher of men."
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I'm alive!
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00:18:40,795 --> 00:18:41,828
Oh, ho!
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Don't tell my ex-wife.
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00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:49,335
Lovejoy is a hero!
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Finally something I can explain!
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♪ All ended well except
for Sideshow Mel ♪
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♪ This Jewish clown, he didn't drown ♪
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♪ Reconciled with his daughter ♪
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♪ When he got out of the water ♪
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♪ Here's the good news,
butts in the pews ♪
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00:19:03,818 --> 00:19:05,852
♪ Watch Homer snooze as he still chews ♪
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♪ Our show is almost done ♪
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00:19:07,055 --> 00:19:08,855
♪ Maggie didn't stop ♪
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♪ At one. ♪
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_
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Sorry about Krusty, but he's still
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on Team Hanukkah.
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00:19:19,547 --> 00:19:22,147
Um, I hate to win on a technicality,
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but he was under the water.
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That's a baptism.
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00:19:26,483 --> 00:19:28,516
Maybe we should ask Mazda?
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00:19:28,552 --> 00:19:30,885
I'm not going to ask him
anything, he's drunk.
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00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:33,454
Oh, and like you're not!
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- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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♪ Just hear those
sleigh bells jingling ♪
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♪ Ring-ting-tingling along ♪
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♪ Let's sing a jolly holiday
non-denominational song ♪
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♪ Being pulled through the snow ♪
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00:19:54,878 --> 00:19:56,544
♪ To our wintertime feast ♪
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00:19:56,580 --> 00:19:58,313
♪ By a PVC beast ♪
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00:19:58,348 --> 00:20:02,517
♪ My Web site traffic just increased ♪
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♪ Best get you home to your mother ♪
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♪ Or she'll call a lawyer or two ♪
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00:20:07,224 --> 00:20:08,656
♪ There's nothing better ♪
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00:20:08,692 --> 00:20:10,725
♪ Than spending alternate weekends ♪
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♪ With you. ♪