1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,673 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:10,677 ( bell ringing ) 3 00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:14,931 ( whistle blows ) 4 00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:27,944 (playing the blues) 5 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:36,828 D'oh! 6 00:00:36,911 --> 00:00:37,829 (screams) 7 00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:39,289 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,084 (grunts) 9 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,805 ("Ring of Fire" playing) 10 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:04,856 ( humming "Ring of Fire" ) 11 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:11,529 ♪ Time to whiz in a foaming bowl of china... ♪ 12 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,405 D-oh! 13 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,532 A line for the bathroom? What gives? 14 00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:15,825 I don’t know, but whoever’s in there 15 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,577 is taking their sweet old time. 16 00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:18,411 Son, can I have cuts? 17 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:19,287 No. 18 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:20,914 -Back cuts? -Okay. 19 00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:22,832 -Sweet. -Hey! 20 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,125 Wait a minute. 21 00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,586 If we’re all out here, who’s in there? 22 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:27,504 (all gasp) 23 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:31,716 (gasping) 24 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,051 Maggie’s locked inside! 25 00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:34,052 Now, calm down. 26 00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:35,929 I’ll just unlock it with this coat hanger. 27 00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:39,015 (grunting) 28 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,395 (delighted giggle) 29 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:51,611 Oh, God, it’s baby blood! 30 00:01:51,694 --> 00:01:53,571 Don’t worry, I know just what to do. 31 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:58,827 Ow! Do-h! Ow! D-oh! Ow! Do-h! 32 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,578 Bart! You’re not hitting hard enough! 33 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,956 (Marge gasping) 34 00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,332 How’d you get her out? 35 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:06,042 I tried the coat hanger again. 36 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,461 I don’t understand why we only try ideas once. 37 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:09,796 (doorbell rings) 38 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,172 The door? 39 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:13,007 Now I’ll never get to pee. 40 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:15,969 Dr. Hibbert? 41 00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:17,512 Is someone seriously ill? 42 00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:18,888 Oh, I wish. 43 00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,431 (chuckles) 44 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:23,143 No, I’m here because of Bob Poochioni over there. 45 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:24,060 (confused yelp) 46 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,229 Two months ago, Santa’s Little Helper 47 00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,856 paid a booty call 48 00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:29,858 to my purebred poodle, Rosa Barks... 49 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:31,025 (chuckling) 50 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:33,653 and he had his eyes on her prize! 51 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:35,405 I’m going to drop that analogy now. 52 00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:38,825 ALL: Aw! 53 00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:40,702 Oh, well, I’m glad you think they’re cute, 54 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,746 ’cause they’re your problem now. 55 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,332 You just lost a box, pal! 56 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:53,256 Wait, Santa’s Little Helper had puppies before, 57 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,175 and then we got him neutered. 58 00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:57,468 We did. Homer took him. 59 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:58,887 Didn’t you? 60 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,014 Yeah, well, uh, 61 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,183 funny thing about that... 62 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:04,559 On our way to the clinic, 63 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:08,271 I decided to give him a night his wang would never forget. 64 00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:11,608 DONNA SUMMER: ♪ So let’s dance the last dance ♪ 65 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:16,237 ♪ Let’s dance the last dance ♪ 66 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:19,782 ♪ Let’s dance this last dance ♪ 67 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:23,494 ♪ Tonight ♪ 68 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,705 ♪ The last dance ♪ 69 00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:28,249 ♪ Last chance for love... ♪ 70 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,500 Want to play some air hockey? 71 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,336 $350 an hour. 72 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:32,962 You’re on! 73 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,424 Huh? Hmm? 74 00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:46,226 I can’t neuter you, boy. 75 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,436 Not after all we’ve been through. 76 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:50,188 But from now on, 77 00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:52,482 you better save your lovin’ for the couch cushions. 78 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,484 (laughing) 79 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:55,944 (growling) 80 00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:57,737 You broke our deal! 81 00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:59,781 We had an oral contract! 82 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,325 Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! 83 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:03,785 You and Lisa 84 00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:05,995 better go find homes for these puppies. 85 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,957 and don’t just dump them all off on some crazy lady. 86 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,626 (incoherent ranting) 87 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:13,586 (cats mewing) 88 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:16,047 He’s an irritable, walleyed, 89 00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:18,299 misfit bastard! 90 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,844 Just like Willie. Oh... 91 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:24,097 Hey, mister, would you like a puppy? 92 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,974 No, but I’ll take one. 93 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,225 Okay. 94 00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:28,184 I’m going to cherish 95 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,811 and care for this dog, 96 00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:31,646 and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. 97 00:04:31,729 --> 00:04:32,647 (evil laugh) 98 00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:34,065 (kisses) 99 00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,066 (evil laugh) 100 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,110 (tires squealing) 101 00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:39,946 Seen it, bad, boring, 102 00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:44,284 saw it on the plane, rerun, rerun, Telemundo, me, 103 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:47,287 turned it down, ABC, banned from the set, 104 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,539 lame, lame, Regis... 105 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:50,832 (groaning) 106 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:57,255 Let’s see... champagne or Slim Fast? 107 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,974 Oy, that really passes the time. 108 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,560 (knock at door) 109 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:12,478 Want a puppy? 110 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,355 He’s at the peak of cuteness. 111 00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,399 (chuckling) 112 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,360 Aw. You could nuzzle me all night. 113 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:20,862 That’s enough. 114 00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:22,155 I said that’s enough! 115 00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,534 Well, look at this. 116 00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:29,078 You dragged me back to my old neighborhood. 117 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,372 And it hasn’t changed a bit. 118 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:36,085 DSL! DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections? 119 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,920 ♪ Brazilian wax! ♪ 120 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:42,383 ♪ Get your velvety smooth Brazilian wax! ♪ 121 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:46,304 Hey-- the Jewish Walk of Fame! 122 00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:47,430 Here, go on Sandy Koufax. 123 00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:48,348 I lost ten grand 124 00:05:48,431 --> 00:05:50,600 when he wouldn’t pitch on Yom Kippur. 125 00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:53,227 I did five shows that night! 126 00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,396 Okay, boy, let’s find my star. 127 00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,281 Albert Einstein. Lorne Michaels? 128 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,283 Shari Lewis? Lamb Chop?! 129 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,618 Why ain’t I here?! 130 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:11,287 I’m a bigger name than Chaim Potok! 131 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,706 What is he, some kind of Klingon? 132 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,458 I’m going to get to the bottom of this. 133 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,965 Well, of course you deserve a star, Krusty. 134 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,884 Let me just ask you a few questions. 135 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:25,968 Full name? 136 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,346 Herschel Pinchas Yoracham Krustofsky. 137 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,640 Good, good. Circumcision? 138 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:31,641 And then some. 139 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:32,558 (chuckles) 140 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,143 Date of bar mitzvah? 141 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,937 Well, I, uh... 142 00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:38,147 You see, the truth is, uh... 143 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,023 I never had one. 144 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,650 No bar mitzvah? 145 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,068 In the eyes of God, 146 00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:43,945 and the Springfield Jewish Walk of Fame Committee, 147 00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:46,030 you are not a Jewish man. 148 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,698 Now, see here. 149 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,326 Do you know how much I donate to the B’nai B’rith? 150 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,078 Actually, I do. 151 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:54,372 Goodbye. 152 00:06:58,167 --> 00:07:00,169 (thunder rumbling) 153 00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:05,383 Krusty, what’s wrong? 154 00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:07,009 I just found out I’m not Jewish. 155 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,052 (moaning) 156 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,387 I was turned down 157 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,431 by all those country clubs for nothing! 158 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:12,849 Well, you’re still my hero. 159 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,601 So what? Everything’s changed. 160 00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:18,229 I thought I was a self-hating Jew, 161 00:07:18,312 --> 00:07:21,983 but it turns out I’m just a plain old anti-Semite! 162 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:24,777 We have so much to discuss. 163 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,446 (groans) 164 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:33,411 Oh, I know the reason my life is so empty. 165 00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:36,247 I never had a Bar Mitzvah. 166 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,665 Cheer up, Krusty. You’re a clue 167 00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:39,542 in the People Magazine crossword puzzle. 168 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,669 What more can a man want? 169 00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:43,713 Bart, the Bar Mitzvah is the most important event 170 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:45,381 in a Jewish boy’s life. 171 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,633 It’s when he reads from the Torah and becomes a man. 172 00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:49,677 The sweet little shiksa’s right. 173 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,388 Without a Bar Mitzvah, I’m just a boy... 174 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,016 with a prostate the size of a goat’s head. 175 00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:57,268 Krusty, your dad’s a rabbi. 176 00:07:57,351 --> 00:07:59,020 How could you not have had a Bar Mitzvah? 177 00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:00,771 Who knows? I’ve lived so hard, 178 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,899 there’s big gaps in my memory. 179 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,817 I remember learning to ride a bike, 180 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,153 then pretty much nothing till right now. 181 00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:08,321 Why don’t we ask your dad? 182 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:09,947 Yeah, right. 183 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:11,365 My father will put this 184 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,993 in a spiritual-philosophical context. 185 00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:15,703 I’ll tell you why you didn’t have a Bar Mitzvah. 186 00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:16,704 It’s because you’re a putz! 187 00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:18,289 Everything is a joke to you. 188 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:19,582 I was afraid you’d make a mockery 189 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,083 out of the whole ceremony... 190 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,543 like you’re making a mockery out of me right now! 191 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:24,921 Maybe I am, but you can’t argue with the laughs. 192 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,842 Eh, so what? It’s not my job to make kids laugh. 193 00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:31,427 Yes, it is. You’re a clown. 194 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,804 Oh, without a Bar Mitzvah, I’m nothing! 195 00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:37,016 (sobbing) 196 00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:39,602 Krusty, you can still have your Bar Mitzvah as an adult. 197 00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:40,811 That’d be great! 198 00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:44,398 Are you sure that’s Kah-sher? 199 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,817 There’s nothing in the Talmud that forbids it. 200 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:47,985 How do you know all this stuff? 201 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,904 I have a Jewish imaginary friend. 202 00:08:49,987 --> 00:08:52,156 Her name is Rachel Cohen, and she just got into Brandeis. 203 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,908 Wonderful! 204 00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:56,160 ( lively show theme music playing ) 205 00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:00,790 Hey, hey, kids! 206 00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:02,208 I’ve got a confession to make. 207 00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:04,377 Underneath all this plastic surgery, 208 00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:06,003 I’m actually a Jew, 209 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:09,048 and from now on, I’m embracing my faith. 210 00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:10,883 (cheering) 211 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,260 What’s not to like? 212 00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:13,928 And now I’ll teach you my traditions 213 00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,847 the way my people have passed them down for centuries... 214 00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,808 through animation. 215 00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:21,894 (klezmer music playing) 216 00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:27,984 (reciting a Hebrew prayer) 217 00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:32,780 (squeals) 218 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,242 (giggles) 219 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:37,785 (shouting) 220 00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:47,587 (squeaks) 221 00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,174 Mouse-l Tov! 222 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,677 And that’s what I believe in now. 223 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,262 (chuckling) 224 00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:00,558 Krusty, that was a great show. 225 00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,768 Once I was clapping, and the applause sign wasn’t even on! 226 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,520 Hey, that’s great, but I got a problem. 227 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,397 This schedule has me working on Saturdays. 228 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,982 That’s the Sabbath! 229 00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:09,317 Well, we could tape two shows on Friday. 230 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,776 Are you nuts?! 231 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,653 I can barely get through one show on Friday, 232 00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:13,863 even with the... 233 00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,698 (sniffs) 234 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:19,285 Uh, you know, smelling flowers. 235 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:22,496 Such expensive flowers... filled with remorse. 236 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,457 Anyway, we got to book a guest host. 237 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,125 How about Jon Stewart? 238 00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,544 He’s a son, a lover, and a pundit 239 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,463 rolled into one sexy package. 240 00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:31,881 (growls) 241 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,175 He’d be perfect, so forget it! 242 00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:37,678 I need a guest host so bad, he can never replace me. 243 00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,430 I need someone who’s not intelligent... 244 00:10:39,513 --> 00:10:41,182 -Mm... -not good-looking... 245 00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:43,142 -(gasps) -and so utterly repellent, he... 246 00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:44,143 I’m your man! 247 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:46,354 (grunting) 248 00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:49,357 Man, are you unpleasant. You’re in. 249 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,608 (door shuts) 250 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:53,444 Children, I wish to announce 251 00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:56,364 that our show has undergone a reformatting. 252 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:58,199 (cheering) 253 00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:02,495 Let’s get ready to listen quietly! 254 00:11:02,578 --> 00:11:03,746 ALL: Yay! 255 00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:05,331 Now, tonight’s guest host... 256 00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:07,333 the ultimate place-holder... 257 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:08,626 Homer Simpson! 258 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,630 Welcome to the Homer Simpson Show. 259 00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,590 I’m your host... next card... 260 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,759 Homer Simpson. It’s great to be here 261 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,220 in... next card... Springfield. 262 00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:20,346 My guests are... 263 00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:22,473 Moe Szyslak, local businessman; 264 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:25,017 Carl Carlson, raconteur; 265 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,186 and Lenny Leonard, three-time juror. 266 00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:29,814 Gentlemen, what’s on your minds? 267 00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:38,030 Dad, you have to say something. 268 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,281 Something meaningful. 269 00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,411 You ever notice how seats are too small 270 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:45,788 for normal-looking guys like me? 271 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:47,790 Theaters, airplanes... 272 00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,375 Why, even here. Look! 273 00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:50,876 (straining) 274 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,503 -(grunting) -(grunting) 275 00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:53,587 I could not agree more. 276 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:54,588 (grunts) 277 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,465 Never go on the teacup ride 278 00:11:56,549 --> 00:12:00,469 after eating at Beauty and the Beast’s Fried Dough Chateau. 279 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,679 Hey, I got a question. 280 00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:03,055 How come oldies stations 281 00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,266 are always playing the same song? 282 00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:08,894 How ’bout some new oldies, geniuses? 283 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,313 Boy, these guys are right on the money. 284 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,649 Yeah, my neck is sore from agreeing so much. 285 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,151 Hey, baby! 286 00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,652 You lookin’ for a good time, huh? 287 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,905 Go home, turn on your television, Channel 6! 288 00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,532 Thanks for the tip! 289 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,660 Yeah, yeah, twins, I get it. 290 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,246 Now, let’s watch something I’m really interested in. 291 00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:30,499 Who has more power, Miss America or Miss U.S.A.? 292 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,043 I think one’s elected and the other one’s appointed. 293 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,670 I think your water just broke. 294 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,963 Will you be quiet?! 295 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,095 Now, you can’t mix milk and meat. 296 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,597 You got that? 297 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,932 And on Christmas day, you must eat Chinese food, 298 00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:48,934 and pork is strictly forbidden. 299 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:50,311 Uh-oh. 300 00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:51,520 All these rules... 301 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,272 I feel like I’m in a strip club! 302 00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:57,109 Well, Dad, what do you want to talk about tonight? 303 00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:58,444 Hmm... 304 00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:00,613 Uh, listen, Homer, I’d like to raise an issue. 305 00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:02,031 Why so formal, Lenny? 306 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:03,407 You’re my go-to guy. 307 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,617 Well, about that, 308 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,243 you know, I’ve been with the show 309 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,162 from the beginning, and I was, uh... was wondering 310 00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:10,956 if I could get a-a small cost-of-living raise. 311 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,083 Interesting... 312 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:15,628 Please welcome new panelist, Barney Gumbel. 313 00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:17,505 Oh, that light’s a little bright. 314 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:18,714 Do you think you could move it? 315 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,468 Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu. 316 00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:23,385 Tsk! 317 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,806 Disco Stu knows his place. 318 00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:30,267 My husband’s a power-mad star. 319 00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:34,814 Maybe now we can get that padding that goes under rugs. 320 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:39,318 "Ha-ma-shel be-khol-a-sher-la sim-na yad-kha ta-khat..." 321 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:40,820 Very good! 322 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:42,613 You just earned yourself a Dr. Brown’s. 323 00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:44,198 Krusty, 324 00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:46,325 you know Diane, Stu, and Jeremy from the network. 325 00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,202 Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. 326 00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:50,120 Krusty, we’ve got some bad news. 327 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,872 We think you’re super-talented... 328 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,958 Oh, God, you’re canceling me! 329 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:57,545 Krusty, Krusty, TV is a fickle business. 330 00:13:57,628 --> 00:13:59,338 You’ve had a good run, 331 00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,173 but Homer Simpson’s a fresh face, and... 332 00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,758 You’re not doing this fast enough. 333 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,884 You’re fired, too. 334 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,970 I’m... No! 335 00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:10,933 (sobbing) 336 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,275 Ah, Simpson, I hate to bother you 337 00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,360 when you’re eating, but you’re always eating. 338 00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:23,320 Will you sign an autograph for my boy? 339 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:25,197 My pleasure. 340 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,907 I eat Legos. 341 00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,868 So did I, son. 342 00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,828 And look where I am today. 343 00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:33,747 Boy, everybody loves my show. 344 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:34,874 It’s great, Dad. 345 00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:36,584 You have tremendous power. 346 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,794 And now it’s time to put it to use. 347 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,005 Yes, you’re right. 348 00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:45,467 Duck, Mr. Lincoln! 349 00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:50,598 Thank you, Homer. 350 00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:54,059 No, Dad. 351 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,061 I mean, you should use your time on the air 352 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:58,063 to say things that really mean something. 353 00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,566 Change the world for the better! 354 00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,402 I say live fast, die young, and leave a big fat corpse. 355 00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:06,530 Well, I took Bart’s advice last week, 356 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,824 so I guess it’s Lisa’s turn. 357 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,243 Now, if you’ll excuse me. 358 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,501 You hit him high, I’ll hit him low! 359 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,629 (grunting) 360 00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:23,756 (chuckling) 361 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,094 Look, since my own network dumped me, 362 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,055 I thought maybe I could do a show on... 363 00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,473 (groaning) 364 00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:33,849 Fox. 365 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,309 Well, I’m sorry, Krusty. 366 00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,311 People aren’t interested in stars anymore. 367 00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:38,812 They want reality. 368 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:39,813 Way ahead of you. 369 00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:41,315 How about a show 370 00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:43,525 where girls think I’m a millionaire? 371 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:47,112 But what they don’t know is, I’m rife with disease. 372 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,114 Okay, okay. 373 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,575 How about one where I move in with a poor family 374 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:52,576 and laugh at ’em? 375 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:53,786 (chuckles) 376 00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:54,995 You see, be... 377 00:15:56,830 --> 00:16:00,042 Okay, how about you televise my Bar Mitzvah? 378 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,710 Live! 379 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,214 Please. You people are known for taking chances on crap. 380 00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:08,926 You know, we’ve had a great time on this show 381 00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:11,553 "riffing" on small, unimportant subjects. 382 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:12,763 Now, wait a minute. 383 00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,974 Dirty words you can spell on your calculator 384 00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,351 is a very important subject. 385 00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:18,352 (chuckles) 386 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:19,269 Boobs. 387 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,314 (laughing): That’s just like what girls got. 388 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,400 Well, that’s all over now. 389 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:28,362 From now on, we will focus solely on important issues. 390 00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:29,863 Every year, 391 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,616 the gulf between rich and poor nations gets larger. 392 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,368 Yet, the IMF insists 393 00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:38,330 on unrealistic debt-repayment schedules. 394 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,665 This show stinks! 395 00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,667 I knew my son would blow it. 396 00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,043 Where’s the remote? 397 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,256 Oh, it might as well be in China. 398 00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:49,591 SIDESHOW MEL: Live, from Springfield Stadium, 399 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:52,386 it’s Krusty the Clown’s Wet ’N’ Wild Bar Mitzvah! 400 00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,513 Shalom, Springfield! 401 00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:55,514 CROWD: Shalom! 402 00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:57,391 I can’t schmear you. 403 00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:59,101 ALL (louder): Shalom! 404 00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:03,355 (humming scales with Hebrew "H" sound) 405 00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:05,607 Now to get you in the Bar Mitzvah mood, 406 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:08,235 put your hands together for the Beach Boys... 407 00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:09,737 Experience! 408 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,196 (to the tune of "Kokomo") 409 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,034 ♪ Mezuzah, menorah, reading from the Torah ♪ 410 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:19,163 ♪ Pastrami, knishes, on two sets of dishes ♪ 411 00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:22,958 ♪ A church with no steeple for God’s chosen people... ♪ 412 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,585 (drumroll) 413 00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:27,463 Now let’s meet a man who’s muscle-bound, 414 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:30,174 and a man who’s bound not to eat mussels, 415 00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:32,885 Mr. T and Krusty the Clown. 416 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:37,097 T, I haven’t seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase. 417 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,599 Yeah, we were kind of rough on him. 418 00:17:38,682 --> 00:17:39,767 I felt bad for that guy. 419 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,393 You pitied the fool? 420 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,603 That’s one way of putting it. 421 00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:43,562 Time for me to get into character. 422 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,901 ( click ) 423 00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:51,945 Let’s scroll! 424 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,948 (applause and cheering) 425 00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:57,785 "Bar-chu et Adonai hamvorach, fool..." 426 00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:01,830 Why should America consume 90% of the world’s resources? 427 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:06,502 Argentina must devalue her currency to pay her debts! 428 00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:08,629 (sobbing) 429 00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:09,630 You can’t leave. 430 00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:11,381 I’m your ride home! 431 00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:13,675 Dad, you blew it. 432 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:14,927 You listened to Lisa. 433 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,053 And then you lost your stranglehold 434 00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:17,179 on the audience. 435 00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:18,847 I’ll audience you! 436 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,849 -(grunting) -(choking) 437 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:24,686 So, that’s why Bart has all those broken tracheal bones. 438 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,022 (scoffing) Tight bow tie, my ass! 439 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,608 Now, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together 440 00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:33,153 for the world’s largest potato pancake! 441 00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:35,781 That’s a lot of latke! 442 00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:37,449 -(grunting) -(gagging) 443 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,785 Three, two, one, and... 444 00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:40,786 you’re canceled. 445 00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:41,912 Strike the set. 446 00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:44,081 You have five minutes to get off the lot. 447 00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,207 Oh... 448 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,509 Don’t worry. 449 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:56,677 This will be quick and painless. 450 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,931 There we go. 451 00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:02,933 (pained groan) 452 00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:05,686 Aw, Homie, you may have lost your show, 453 00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,689 but you went out in the classiest way possible. 454 00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:10,023 I’m proud of you. 455 00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:13,861 Marge, I thank God every day you settled for me. 456 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,237 (contented sigh) 457 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,613 Hey, where’s my car? 458 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:17,573 Oh, over there. 459 00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:21,118 (crying) 460 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,828 Come on, Homie. 461 00:19:22,911 --> 00:19:24,496 We’ll go to the "Make Your Own Sundae" place. 462 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,456 Will you make my sundae for me? 463 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:27,416 Yes. 464 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,380 Thank you, cast of The Lion King. 465 00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:37,634 And now, for our grand finale, the superstar of David, 466 00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,636 Mr. T. 467 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:40,762 (fanfare plays) 468 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:43,724 I pity the shul that won’t let Krusty in now. 469 00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:45,017 Spin me, clown! 470 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,101 (laughing) 471 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,436 (fireworks whistling) 472 00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:48,812 (all gasp) 473 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,814 (fireworks popping) 474 00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:53,066 I wish I had invested my money better. 475 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,278 (all laughing) 476 00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:00,449 (pensive moan) 477 00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,120 Krusty, the ratings were good. 478 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,122 Raymond rerun good! 479 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,999 Great, but there’s one thing that’s still 480 00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:10,292 nagging at me. 481 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,710 I want a real Bar Mitzvah. 482 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:12,669 In a temple. 483 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:13,921 Wonderful! 484 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,092 " ...ha-mo-shel be-khol-a-sher-lo 485 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,637 sim-na yad-kha ta-khat..." 486 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,971 ( whispering loudly ) I’m hungry. 487 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,306 Are they married yet? 488 00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:25,682 They’re not getting married! 489 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,059 Then whose garter is this? 490 00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:29,019 I was trying to hit the dentist. 491 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,979 And now, finally, 492 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,981 I am a man. 493 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,441 I pity the fool 494 00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:36,443 who didn’t bring an envelope to this Bar Mitzvah! 495 00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:46,411 Captioned by VISUAL DATA 496 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:24,449 Shh! 497 00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:29,621 Enhanced by Fotokem