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00:00:08,447 --> 00:00:12,447
♪ The Simpsons 25x17 ♪
Luca$
Original Air Date on April 6, 2014
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00:00:15,332 --> 00:00:20,332
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:22,149 --> 00:00:23,149
Yeah, how ya doin'?
4
00:00:36,196 --> 00:00:37,229
H-Hey, what?
5
00:00:38,265 --> 00:00:40,332
Oh! Oh, cleats!
6
00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:42,368
Homie, what happened?
7
00:00:42,402 --> 00:00:45,905
Uh... maybe
some easy-listening music
8
00:00:45,939 --> 00:00:48,240
will make you feel better
about the story.
9
00:00:48,275 --> 00:00:49,675
Turn on 89.9.
10
00:00:52,412 --> 00:00:55,714
Like most of my problems,
it all started at Moe's...
11
00:00:55,749 --> 00:00:57,883
All right, so the rules are
12
00:00:57,918 --> 00:00:59,885
every time the news
guy says "senator,"
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00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:01,687
we got to take a drink.
14
00:01:01,721 --> 00:01:03,355
Huh. It'll be nice
to let someone else decide
15
00:01:03,390 --> 00:01:05,324
when I drink--
too much pressure.
16
00:01:06,460 --> 00:01:08,194
Uh, yeah, Channel Six tip line?
17
00:01:08,228 --> 00:01:10,863
I just caught two senators
doin' it in the alley.
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00:01:10,897 --> 00:01:12,865
And me?
I'm just a reliable source.
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00:01:12,899 --> 00:01:14,967
Not "sauce," "source."
20
00:01:15,001 --> 00:01:17,736
Source! S-A-U-R-C-E!
21
00:01:17,771 --> 00:01:20,739
We have heard
from a very reliable sauce
22
00:01:20,774 --> 00:01:23,375
news involving
multiple senators.
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00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:25,110
I'm going to read a list
of senators,
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00:01:25,145 --> 00:01:27,079
with possibly more senators
to be named later
25
00:01:27,113 --> 00:01:29,949
by other senators:
Senator Abercrombie,
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00:01:29,983 --> 00:01:33,052
Senator Billingsley,
Senator Beaumont...
27
00:01:35,622 --> 00:01:38,624
Hmm? Oh, damn,
the plaster's flaking again.
28
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,527
Once intoxicated,
we had a great idea.
29
00:01:41,561 --> 00:01:43,696
Hey! Swings!
30
00:01:45,398 --> 00:01:47,199
I'm a kid again!
31
00:01:49,069 --> 00:01:50,536
Oh... gah...
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00:01:50,570 --> 00:01:51,704
I'll save you!
33
00:01:55,475 --> 00:01:57,910
Oh, the only way out is in!
34
00:01:57,944 --> 00:01:59,111
Hey, look at me!
35
00:01:59,145 --> 00:02:01,647
I'm going up a slide!
36
00:02:01,681 --> 00:02:03,816
Homer! Homer!
37
00:02:03,850 --> 00:02:05,484
Best recess ever!
38
00:02:07,187 --> 00:02:08,087
Whoa.
39
00:02:08,121 --> 00:02:09,421
Help me, guys! Guys?
40
00:02:10,957 --> 00:02:12,591
Don't worry, Homer,
I'll call the cops!
41
00:02:12,626 --> 00:02:14,126
I'll write
my senator.
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00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,161
Senator!
Senator!
43
00:02:17,197 --> 00:02:19,098
Oh, am I gonna die
on a playground,
44
00:02:19,132 --> 00:02:22,635
like some uncoordinated child?
45
00:02:22,669 --> 00:02:25,037
But I did learn something
from all this:
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00:02:25,071 --> 00:02:29,074
the sprinklers in this park
come on at 3:00 a.m.
47
00:02:30,210 --> 00:02:32,111
Hey, thanks for
throwing the ball back.
48
00:02:32,145 --> 00:02:33,312
Really.
49
00:02:34,548 --> 00:02:36,782
I'll come back
with the fire truck.
50
00:02:36,816 --> 00:02:39,685
I just have to get the kids
to school first.
51
00:02:39,719 --> 00:02:41,120
Oh, are the kids with you?
52
00:02:41,154 --> 00:02:42,288
- Hi, Dad.
- Homer.
53
00:02:42,322 --> 00:02:44,557
Hey, guys! Why are you
ducked-down like that?
54
00:02:44,591 --> 00:02:46,692
Don't want to be seen with
you when you're hitting bottom.
55
00:02:46,726 --> 00:02:48,327
At least
we hope it's bottom.
56
00:02:48,361 --> 00:02:51,130
Don't worry,
it's bottom, all right.
57
00:02:55,535 --> 00:02:56,835
And that's why
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00:02:56,870 --> 00:02:58,337
I was tardy today.
59
00:02:58,371 --> 00:03:00,339
And with that tardiness,
you have at last crossed
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00:03:00,373 --> 00:03:03,142
the boundary where I can legally
apply physical discipline.
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00:03:03,176 --> 00:03:04,810
Willie,
cut me a switch!
62
00:03:04,844 --> 00:03:07,479
What about the one
your ma used on you?
63
00:03:07,514 --> 00:03:09,481
It, uh, broke on my buttocks.
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00:03:09,516 --> 00:03:13,319
Serves you right for eating jam
straight out of the jar.
65
00:03:14,487 --> 00:03:17,156
Damn it! That's not
even a swivel chair.
66
00:03:18,391 --> 00:03:21,360
Skate, skate
as fast as you can.
67
00:03:21,394 --> 00:03:23,896
But I'll catch you--
I'm the Principal Man!
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00:03:23,930 --> 00:03:25,965
That's the kind of education
you're missing.
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00:03:30,537 --> 00:03:32,104
Oh, no. Uphill.
70
00:03:32,138 --> 00:03:33,839
The one place my car can't go.
71
00:03:39,045 --> 00:03:41,013
Uh, would you like a quote?
72
00:03:41,047 --> 00:03:42,348
Uh, yes.
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00:03:42,382 --> 00:03:44,350
"Some cause happiness
wherever they go;
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00:03:44,384 --> 00:03:47,086
others whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde.
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00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,955
Uh, P.S.
Your car is totaled.
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00:03:51,691 --> 00:03:53,659
Whew! Safe.
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00:03:53,693 --> 00:03:56,161
Oh, not totally.
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00:03:56,196 --> 00:03:57,296
Whoa!
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00:03:57,330 --> 00:03:58,998
What-what are you doing in here?
80
00:03:59,032 --> 00:04:00,566
Hiding from the cops.
81
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,635
Well, I can't have cops
sniffing around here.
82
00:04:02,669 --> 00:04:04,303
Some of them might be girls.
83
00:04:04,337 --> 00:04:05,804
Can't I just stay a little?
84
00:04:05,839 --> 00:04:09,041
I only committed this robbery
to help my kid.
85
00:04:09,075 --> 00:04:10,542
See, this is Jeremy.
86
00:04:10,577 --> 00:04:11,877
I need to get him braces.
87
00:04:11,911 --> 00:04:13,879
I always thought
that if I'd had braces,
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00:04:13,913 --> 00:04:16,015
I'd have smiled more.
89
00:04:16,049 --> 00:04:18,017
Hey, I bet
you have a great smile.
90
00:04:18,051 --> 00:04:19,018
Huh?
91
00:04:19,052 --> 00:04:20,285
Ay, caramba!
92
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,287
Bart, Bart, we're in
whatchamacallit...
93
00:04:22,322 --> 00:04:23,756
a pursuit!
94
00:04:23,790 --> 00:04:24,790
So why'd you come here?
95
00:04:24,824 --> 00:04:26,759
I run a respectable tree house.
96
00:04:26,793 --> 00:04:28,160
Just wondering
if you've seen anything.
97
00:04:28,194 --> 00:04:31,230
Uh, word is you'll, uh...
you'll snitch for candy.
98
00:04:31,264 --> 00:04:33,932
You can't buy me with
a candy bar that has coconut.
99
00:04:33,967 --> 00:04:36,769
Then maybe this is more your...
neighborhood.
100
00:04:36,803 --> 00:04:37,770
Nice real estate.
101
00:04:37,804 --> 00:04:39,238
You got a deal.
102
00:04:39,272 --> 00:04:40,506
So, what do you know?
103
00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:44,710
I saw a guy with a gun
and a snake tattoo...
104
00:04:44,744 --> 00:04:47,880
say he was gonna hide out
on top of Mount Springfield.
105
00:04:47,914 --> 00:04:49,815
Mount Springfield, eh?
106
00:04:49,849 --> 00:04:52,317
Strap on your crampons, boys!
107
00:04:52,352 --> 00:04:54,820
Eddie! Prepare my litter!
108
00:04:54,854 --> 00:04:56,155
Lou, you are responsible
109
00:04:56,189 --> 00:04:58,957
for my oxygen, food, water
and cleaning!
110
00:04:58,992 --> 00:05:00,926
You have to clean me.
I clean you. Yeah.
111
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:01,927
Dude, thank you.
112
00:05:01,961 --> 00:05:03,429
Why did you save me?
113
00:05:03,463 --> 00:05:05,330
We outlaws have
to stick together.
114
00:05:05,365 --> 00:05:07,032
Outlaw? You?
115
00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:09,702
Stolen bowling shoes,
3-D glasses, Krusty standee
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00:05:09,736 --> 00:05:12,037
and this "cage" for my pet.
117
00:05:12,072 --> 00:05:13,939
Oh. What do you feed him?
118
00:05:13,973 --> 00:05:15,340
My A.D.D. meds.
119
00:05:17,110 --> 00:05:18,744
Um, listen,
120
00:05:18,778 --> 00:05:21,580
would you like two tickets
to the school musical?
121
00:05:21,614 --> 00:05:24,249
My son plays the butcher.
122
00:05:24,284 --> 00:05:25,951
In Fiddler on the Roof.
123
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I'm busy that night.
124
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Yeah, lucky you.
125
00:05:32,759 --> 00:05:34,193
Huh?
126
00:05:36,563 --> 00:05:39,131
Are you okay?
127
00:05:39,165 --> 00:05:41,066
Don't put more
in there!
128
00:05:41,101 --> 00:05:42,601
Going for the record.
129
00:05:42,635 --> 00:05:45,270
What record?
Stupidest death?
130
00:05:45,305 --> 00:05:47,139
Aah!
131
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Blagh!
132
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Merci beaucoup!
133
00:05:52,412 --> 00:05:53,645
Oh, well, you're very wel...
134
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,114
That's French
for "hello."
135
00:05:55,148 --> 00:05:58,117
Actually, I think it...
Lucas Bortner, competitive eater.
136
00:05:58,151 --> 00:05:59,785
A fat kid with a dream?
137
00:05:59,819 --> 00:06:01,920
I can't compete with that.
138
00:06:01,955 --> 00:06:04,523
What does
a competitive eater eat?
139
00:06:04,557 --> 00:06:08,026
All the glamour foods: pizza,
boiled eggs, chicken wings
140
00:06:08,061 --> 00:06:11,563
and the big enchilada, which
is not enchiladas but hot dogs.
141
00:06:11,598 --> 00:06:13,365
69 hot dogs
is the current record.
142
00:06:13,399 --> 00:06:15,000
As the great Kobayashi says,
143
00:06:15,034 --> 00:06:17,402
"Detekurutoki itaiyo."
144
00:06:17,437 --> 00:06:19,004
What does that mean?
145
00:06:19,038 --> 00:06:20,472
"That's gonna hurt coming out."
146
00:06:20,507 --> 00:06:23,142
Is Kobayashi
the number one, um, uh...
147
00:06:23,176 --> 00:06:25,210
The correct term
is "gurgitator."
148
00:06:25,245 --> 00:06:27,112
I won't be using
the correct term then.
149
00:06:27,147 --> 00:06:29,782
Virtually everyone uses
his technique: Japanesing.
150
00:06:29,816 --> 00:06:31,650
Shall I demonstrate?
151
00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:34,820
Um, why don't I just go sit
alone... Oh, you're doing it.
152
00:06:34,854 --> 00:06:36,822
Ready, set...
153
00:06:36,856 --> 00:06:38,857
Japanese!
154
00:06:43,329 --> 00:06:44,496
That's not going down.
155
00:06:45,598 --> 00:06:46,965
This happens
from time to time.
156
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,535
Maybe this isn't
the sport for you.
157
00:06:49,569 --> 00:06:51,003
It's not a sport.
158
00:06:51,037 --> 00:06:52,538
It's my life.
159
00:06:52,572 --> 00:06:54,473
Aw, he's sweet.
160
00:06:54,507 --> 00:06:56,341
What am I doing?
161
00:06:56,376 --> 00:06:58,410
He's just Ralph with a dream.
162
00:06:58,444 --> 00:07:00,345
The dream of not ralphing.
163
00:07:00,380 --> 00:07:03,715
But I'm sure I could
totally change and fix him.
164
00:07:03,750 --> 00:07:06,518
Can I join you for lunch?
Um, sure.
165
00:07:06,553 --> 00:07:08,353
How many whole pizzas
would you like?
166
00:07:08,388 --> 00:07:10,722
Um, can I just have a slice?
167
00:07:10,757 --> 00:07:12,825
Interesting technique.
168
00:07:14,828 --> 00:07:16,261
Whoa.
169
00:07:16,296 --> 00:07:19,064
You didn't tell me you
had a PlayStadium 4!
170
00:07:19,098 --> 00:07:21,867
It's the first
I've seen it.
171
00:07:21,901 --> 00:07:24,403
Something's fishy, Bart.
172
00:07:24,437 --> 00:07:26,338
Where's the gift receipt?
173
00:07:26,372 --> 00:07:29,074
Where's the packet of desiccant
that says "Do not eat"?
174
00:07:29,108 --> 00:07:31,677
And, believe me, you shouldn't.
175
00:07:31,711 --> 00:07:35,214
I have a feeling this
PlayStadium was liberated
176
00:07:35,248 --> 00:07:39,518
from its previous owner and
given to me in gratitude.
177
00:07:39,552 --> 00:07:40,786
Liberated?
178
00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:42,554
You mean "stolen"?
179
00:07:42,589 --> 00:07:44,556
You can't spell "crime"
without "me."
180
00:07:44,591 --> 00:07:46,558
C-R-I...
181
00:07:47,594 --> 00:07:49,528
There it is,
at the end!
182
00:07:50,597 --> 00:07:53,265
Oh, hi. Is-is Lisa home?
183
00:07:53,299 --> 00:07:54,266
Yes, she is.
184
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:55,567
And who are you?
185
00:07:55,602 --> 00:07:57,569
Lucas.
186
00:07:57,604 --> 00:07:58,971
It's pronounced
"Luca-dollar."
187
00:07:59,005 --> 00:08:00,305
That's my competition name.
188
00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:01,840
I'm a competitive eater.
189
00:08:01,875 --> 00:08:03,175
Competitive eater?
190
00:08:03,209 --> 00:08:05,677
Did I hear right?
I could be a competitive eater?
191
00:08:05,712 --> 00:08:07,412
No! You didn't hear anything!
192
00:08:07,447 --> 00:08:09,548
Yes, I did! I heard
"competitive eater"!
193
00:08:09,582 --> 00:08:12,751
It's for people
who haven't had heart problems.
194
00:08:12,785 --> 00:08:15,020
Then that makes me the
Jackie Robinson of the sport,
195
00:08:15,054 --> 00:08:18,023
and you are the racist
Philadelphia manager.
196
00:08:18,057 --> 00:08:21,026
Quit comparing me
to Ben Chapman.
197
00:08:21,060 --> 00:08:23,495
I will when you open
your mind to change!
198
00:08:23,529 --> 00:08:25,297
Oh...!
199
00:08:25,331 --> 00:08:27,199
So, what should we practice:
200
00:08:27,233 --> 00:08:28,800
um, Vienna sausage;
201
00:08:28,835 --> 00:08:31,203
blueberry pie, short form;
202
00:08:31,237 --> 00:08:33,205
oatmeal, long course;
203
00:08:33,239 --> 00:08:36,575
freestyle baked beans;
catfish-- ooh!
204
00:08:36,609 --> 00:08:37,576
Cow brains.
205
00:08:37,610 --> 00:08:38,577
Beans, beans!
206
00:08:38,611 --> 00:08:39,878
We'll do beans.
207
00:08:42,081 --> 00:08:44,716
Hmm. Never saw the pork
eat the beans before.
208
00:08:47,253 --> 00:08:51,790
Actually, I'm a little surprised
Lisa likes him.
209
00:08:51,824 --> 00:08:53,091
Really!
210
00:08:53,126 --> 00:08:54,326
Justin Blobber over there
211
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,395
doesn't remind
you of anyone?
212
00:08:56,429 --> 00:08:59,564
$800 to cut me out
of that slide?!
213
00:08:59,599 --> 00:09:02,401
It's all about the money
with those firemen.
214
00:09:02,435 --> 00:09:05,137
Women marry
their fathers, Marge.
215
00:09:05,171 --> 00:09:08,407
So you just might be meeting
your future "ton-in-law."
216
00:09:10,109 --> 00:09:11,977
Ton-in-law.
217
00:09:12,011 --> 00:09:13,812
God bless us.
218
00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:16,415
You can do better.
219
00:09:25,349 --> 00:09:27,615
My sisters are nuts.
220
00:09:27,753 --> 00:09:29,854
I'm happy being married
to Homer.
221
00:09:29,888 --> 00:09:32,490
Most of the time.
222
00:09:39,765 --> 00:09:41,399
Ooh! What the...?
223
00:10:07,493 --> 00:10:08,593
Meep, meep!
224
00:10:17,503 --> 00:10:20,405
Hmm...
225
00:10:20,439 --> 00:10:23,908
Maybe you're not cut out
for competitive eating.
226
00:10:23,942 --> 00:10:25,910
Are you calling me not fat?
227
00:10:25,944 --> 00:10:27,912
No, I'm just... I...
228
00:10:27,946 --> 00:10:30,581
Maybe you just haven't
found the right food, huh?
229
00:10:30,616 --> 00:10:32,183
How 'bout ice cream?
230
00:10:32,217 --> 00:10:33,251
Yes!
231
00:10:33,285 --> 00:10:35,620
I will lay some hurt
on that cream.
232
00:10:35,654 --> 00:10:38,189
Oh, my God! Brain freeze!
233
00:10:38,223 --> 00:10:39,957
Oh, my God.
234
00:10:39,992 --> 00:10:41,993
Kick me in the head
till I pass out.
235
00:10:43,796 --> 00:10:45,530
Harder! I'm still conscious!
236
00:10:45,564 --> 00:10:47,231
You must kick me harder.
237
00:10:52,671 --> 00:10:56,007
Okay, honey, I made you pork
chops just like you like 'em.
238
00:10:56,041 --> 00:10:57,842
Twenty.
Thanks, babe.
239
00:10:57,876 --> 00:11:01,212
Sorry you had to drop out of
college to feed me full-time.
240
00:11:01,246 --> 00:11:02,780
Now give us a kiss.
241
00:11:11,990 --> 00:11:12,990
What the...?
242
00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:16,627
Oh, yawn.
243
00:11:16,662 --> 00:11:17,728
Another freebie.
244
00:11:17,763 --> 00:11:19,397
Better be a 64 gig.
245
00:11:20,532 --> 00:11:22,400
Huh? It's full of lame apps:
246
00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:25,503
Bully Avoider,
Nosebook, Insta-Grandma.
247
00:11:25,537 --> 00:11:28,005
This was stolen from Milhouse!
248
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,607
From my backpack.
249
00:11:29,641 --> 00:11:31,843
Where Puppy Goo-Goo sleeps.
250
00:11:31,877 --> 00:11:34,912
Maybe it's time to tell me
exactly what's going on.
251
00:11:34,947 --> 00:11:36,247
Relax.
252
00:11:36,281 --> 00:11:39,217
Listen to the music
of this bubble game.
253
00:11:42,454 --> 00:11:45,389
So peaceful.
254
00:11:45,424 --> 00:11:47,358
No! I won't let this go!
255
00:11:47,392 --> 00:11:50,228
It's time you told me how you've
been getting all this stuff.
256
00:11:51,763 --> 00:11:55,132
I helped Snake out of a jam so
he paid me back in stolen stuff.
257
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:57,134
It was an honorable arrangement.
258
00:11:57,169 --> 00:11:59,237
But I never thought
he'd steal from you.
259
00:11:59,271 --> 00:12:00,972
Snake, eh?
260
00:12:01,006 --> 00:12:02,640
I never would've suspected
261
00:12:02,674 --> 00:12:06,077
the one criminal in town.
262
00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:09,847
You seem stressed.
263
00:12:09,882 --> 00:12:11,122
You want to suck some Squishee?
264
00:12:11,149 --> 00:12:12,817
Sure.
265
00:12:12,851 --> 00:12:13,818
Mmm!
266
00:12:13,852 --> 00:12:14,819
Careful.
267
00:12:14,853 --> 00:12:16,053
It's uncut syrup.
268
00:12:16,088 --> 00:12:17,722
They give it to horses
before they race.
269
00:12:24,596 --> 00:12:26,998
Jailbird, A Snake.
270
00:12:27,032 --> 00:12:28,099
That's his real name.
271
00:12:28,133 --> 00:12:29,867
Albert Knickerbocker
Aloysius Snake--
272
00:12:29,902 --> 00:12:32,169
has been arrested for a series
of thefts and may be
273
00:12:32,204 --> 00:12:34,739
put to death under
a controversial new statute.
274
00:12:35,874 --> 00:12:37,375
Yeah, we had
a law stating
275
00:12:37,409 --> 00:12:39,176
"Three strikes
and you're out."
276
00:12:39,211 --> 00:12:41,612
But I thought it
was "You're out."
277
00:12:41,647 --> 00:12:43,014
So I let people go.
278
00:12:43,048 --> 00:12:46,484
So now it's
"Four balls and you walk.
279
00:12:46,518 --> 00:12:48,786
Right to the
electric chair."
280
00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:50,855
It's, uh, much
clearer, Kent.
281
00:12:50,889 --> 00:12:52,823
Bart, I'm so sorry.
282
00:12:52,858 --> 00:12:55,960
I just wanted to ruin
his life, not end it.
283
00:12:55,994 --> 00:12:57,461
You ratted him out?
284
00:12:57,496 --> 00:12:59,263
He's got a kid.
285
00:12:59,298 --> 00:13:00,431
A kid?!
286
00:13:00,465 --> 00:13:02,800
I was crushed
when I lost my dad
287
00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:05,536
and all he did was move
to the Holiday Inn.
288
00:13:05,571 --> 00:13:07,271
I can still see him smoking
289
00:13:07,306 --> 00:13:09,407
on the balcony.
290
00:13:09,441 --> 00:13:11,542
He looked like
he missed something.
291
00:13:11,577 --> 00:13:13,544
Maybe me.
292
00:13:13,579 --> 00:13:16,180
So you see,
we can't let Jailbird fry.
293
00:13:16,214 --> 00:13:18,983
Time for the
Sleepover Detectives.
294
00:13:19,017 --> 00:13:20,518
I didn't say
there'd be a sleepover.
295
00:13:20,552 --> 00:13:23,788
Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing
my pajamas under my clothes.
296
00:13:23,822 --> 00:13:25,856
And my swimsuit
under those.
297
00:13:25,891 --> 00:13:28,492
One day it'll all pay off.
298
00:13:29,928 --> 00:13:33,564
Oh! There's my magazine.
299
00:13:33,599 --> 00:13:34,732
Why, look at this.
300
00:13:34,766 --> 00:13:37,768
"What every father should do
for his daughter."
301
00:13:37,803 --> 00:13:40,938
Oh, Marge, if you want me
to do something, just tell me.
302
00:13:40,973 --> 00:13:42,373
Don't hide behind a magazine.
303
00:13:42,407 --> 00:13:45,710
Right. Right, right, right.
According to Judy Kleinsmith,
304
00:13:45,744 --> 00:13:47,812
a professional freelance writer,
305
00:13:47,846 --> 00:13:50,214
fathers should take
their daughters out on little
306
00:13:50,248 --> 00:13:53,651
dinner dates and treat them
like a gentleman would.
307
00:13:53,685 --> 00:13:57,455
Then she'll expect the same
from the men in her future.
308
00:13:57,489 --> 00:13:58,990
Wait, let me
get this straight:
309
00:13:59,024 --> 00:14:01,993
Sit and eat?
That's my punishment?
310
00:14:02,027 --> 00:14:03,694
It's not a punishment.
311
00:14:03,729 --> 00:14:05,896
But you can't just eat dinner.
312
00:14:05,931 --> 00:14:09,266
You have to be gentlemanly
and attentive.
313
00:14:09,301 --> 00:14:11,102
Oh, I can fake attentive.
314
00:14:11,136 --> 00:14:13,804
I've been watching a football
game this whole discussion.
315
00:14:13,839 --> 00:14:15,606
Not fake attentive.
316
00:14:15,641 --> 00:14:17,174
Real attentive.
317
00:14:17,209 --> 00:14:19,210
Okay, okay.
I'll make it fun.
318
00:14:19,244 --> 00:14:21,379
I'll take her
to that crab place.
319
00:14:21,413 --> 00:14:23,481
All the crabs
you could smash.
320
00:14:23,515 --> 00:14:25,816
You know Lisa's
a vegetarian.
321
00:14:25,851 --> 00:14:27,284
She can smash a salad.
322
00:14:27,319 --> 00:14:31,022
No. Homer, you can't just do
the things you want to do.
323
00:14:31,056 --> 00:14:34,859
You have to act like someone
you'd want Lisa to marry.
324
00:14:34,893 --> 00:14:37,862
If you just act like yourself,
she might just...
325
00:14:37,896 --> 00:14:39,130
um...
326
00:14:39,164 --> 00:14:41,565
Oh, you know... um...
327
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,434
She might marry
someone like me?
328
00:14:44,503 --> 00:14:46,704
You think that would be bad.
329
00:14:46,738 --> 00:14:48,339
Homie, I love you.
330
00:14:48,373 --> 00:14:50,141
But you can be
a challenge,
331
00:14:50,175 --> 00:14:52,376
like doing the
Daily Jumble.
332
00:14:52,411 --> 00:14:54,979
Marge, you are comparing me
333
00:14:55,013 --> 00:14:58,149
to the most infuriating thing
in the newspaper!
334
00:14:58,183 --> 00:14:59,650
Well, I was
just trying to...
335
00:14:59,685 --> 00:15:01,218
Oh...
I'm sleeping on
336
00:15:01,253 --> 00:15:02,987
Flanders' couch tonight.
337
00:15:03,021 --> 00:15:04,622
Ours is crap.
338
00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:12,494
So Marge says I gotta
ask Lisa on a date.
339
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,863
Sure you remember how
to ask out a girl, Homer?
340
00:15:14,898 --> 00:15:17,466
Yeah, you've been out of
the game a long time there.
341
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,734
Guys, lay off Homer.
342
00:15:18,768 --> 00:15:20,135
Now you quit stalling
343
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,570
and call your
daughter like a man.
344
00:15:21,604 --> 00:15:23,939
Oh... it feels weird.
345
00:15:23,973 --> 00:15:25,874
Just ask your daughter
to have dinner with you.
346
00:15:25,909 --> 00:15:28,010
What is the big deal?
347
00:15:28,044 --> 00:15:29,011
Ah, he's doing it!
348
00:15:29,045 --> 00:15:30,345
He's calling a girl.
349
00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:31,880
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God...
350
00:15:31,915 --> 00:15:32,981
Oh, it's ringing.
351
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,483
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
352
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:35,484
Hello?
353
00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:37,486
Uh, hello. Lisa?
354
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,654
I know your brother and...
355
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:39,655
Oh!
356
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:40,989
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
357
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:42,491
Calm down, calm down.
358
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:43,492
She doesn't know it's you.
359
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:45,727
Ah! Hide! Hide!
360
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,830
Uh, hello?
361
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,366
Oh, sure, Lisa, uh,
your dad's right here.
362
00:15:53,770 --> 00:15:54,736
Dad?
363
00:15:54,771 --> 00:15:55,737
Did you just call?
364
00:15:55,772 --> 00:15:56,738
Uh, yeah.
365
00:15:56,773 --> 00:15:58,540
Hey, listen, your mom thinks
366
00:15:58,574 --> 00:16:00,509
that maybe you and I
367
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,178
should have dinner together
sometime.
368
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,579
Just the two of us?
369
00:16:04,614 --> 00:16:06,581
Ah, yeah, I knew
you'd think it's dumb.
370
00:16:06,616 --> 00:16:07,616
I'd love that.
371
00:16:07,650 --> 00:16:09,017
See you tonight.
372
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,353
I got a date
with my daughter!
373
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,221
Yeah, we all
been there.
374
00:16:13,256 --> 00:16:14,957
No need to act
like you just
375
00:16:14,991 --> 00:16:16,258
invented air conditioning.
376
00:16:19,462 --> 00:16:21,263
So, you see, Chief,
377
00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,799
Snake wasn't stealing
that stuff out of greed.
378
00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,268
He was stealing it
to thank me.
379
00:16:26,302 --> 00:16:27,602
Plea denied.
380
00:16:27,637 --> 00:16:29,771
Warm up the electric
chair, Lou.
381
00:16:29,806 --> 00:16:32,274
You're not done yet?
382
00:16:32,308 --> 00:16:33,942
The instructions
are in Swedish, Chief.
383
00:16:33,977 --> 00:16:35,877
We got this from IKILLYA.
384
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,779
Yo, I totally
speak Swedish.
385
00:16:37,814 --> 00:16:38,780
Fluently?
386
00:16:38,815 --> 00:16:40,415
Um, ja.
387
00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:41,783
Uh, do what he says, Lou.
388
00:16:41,818 --> 00:16:43,685
But Chief...
But-but-but.
389
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,555
Quit arguing and give
him the little wrench.
390
00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:47,556
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
391
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,024
Let him out, Lou.
Let him out.
392
00:16:49,058 --> 00:16:51,526
But Chief, we got guns;
he's got a little wrench.
393
00:16:51,561 --> 00:16:52,761
It's cold!
394
00:16:52,795 --> 00:16:54,429
Y... oh...
395
00:16:54,464 --> 00:16:56,765
All right.
396
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,769
Thanks for coming down, Bart.
397
00:17:00,803 --> 00:17:03,438
You won't need
to save me a third time.
398
00:17:03,473 --> 00:17:04,539
You're going straight?
399
00:17:04,574 --> 00:17:07,376
If I get caught,
it's suicide by cop.
400
00:17:07,410 --> 00:17:09,077
Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.
401
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,279
It means I get you
to shoot me, dude.
402
00:17:11,314 --> 00:17:13,782
Yeah, still sounds like
a lot of paperwork.
403
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,986
Hair volumizer?!
404
00:17:18,021 --> 00:17:19,221
Cologne?!
405
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:21,690
Hello, Marjorie.
406
00:17:21,724 --> 00:17:22,924
Homie.
407
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:24,926
You look like
an NBA coach.
408
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,895
Yes, well, it's
a special evening
409
00:17:26,929 --> 00:17:29,965
and I thought it best
not to look like a monkey.
410
00:17:29,999 --> 00:17:31,466
Mm!
411
00:17:31,501 --> 00:17:32,801
Don't worry.
412
00:17:32,835 --> 00:17:34,536
I won't embarrass you.
413
00:17:34,570 --> 00:17:36,538
I will put
my napkin in my lap,
414
00:17:36,572 --> 00:17:38,707
I will use the utensils
provided for me,
415
00:17:38,741 --> 00:17:40,609
and if I our food
is slow in coming,
416
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:43,011
I will "blow my stack"
in a manner
417
00:17:43,046 --> 00:17:45,814
befitting the Earl
of Yarborough.
418
00:17:45,848 --> 00:17:47,983
All right,
you've made your point.
419
00:17:48,017 --> 00:17:49,718
Hey, I can't screw this up
420
00:17:49,752 --> 00:17:52,821
or Lisa will get stuck
with someone like me.
421
00:17:52,855 --> 00:17:56,291
Homie, I don't have
a problem with you.
422
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:59,294
Except your buttons
are off one.
423
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,530
Actually, this is
a collar button, see?
424
00:18:01,564 --> 00:18:02,964
It goes like this...
425
00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:05,600
Tuh! Is there no end
to your fault-finding?
426
00:18:07,070 --> 00:18:08,770
Maggie, help me
with this shirt.
427
00:18:11,541 --> 00:18:13,809
So Mr. Burns
never realized
428
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:16,244
it was Maggie
who saved the plant?
429
00:18:16,279 --> 00:18:17,245
Nope.
430
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,580
Now, how's that drink?
431
00:18:18,614 --> 00:18:20,115
Can I Temple up
that Shirley?
432
00:18:20,149 --> 00:18:21,817
Oh, I'm fine.
433
00:18:23,286 --> 00:18:24,586
Well, have we decided?
434
00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:26,188
Uh, yeah, help me out here.
435
00:18:26,222 --> 00:18:27,689
What is the normal amount
436
00:18:27,723 --> 00:18:29,057
of entrees per person?
437
00:18:29,092 --> 00:18:30,759
Eh, one, sir.
438
00:18:30,793 --> 00:18:32,227
I mean for adults.
439
00:18:32,261 --> 00:18:33,261
One.
440
00:18:33,296 --> 00:18:35,864
No, I mean for
adult males.
441
00:18:35,898 --> 00:18:38,033
Yes.
I repeat, eh, one.
442
00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:40,502
All right,
I'll have the lasagna.
443
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,503
All right.
444
00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:42,838
Meat or vegetarian?
445
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,673
Oh, uh... Oh...
446
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:45,941
Vegetarian.
447
00:18:45,975 --> 00:18:49,344
Can the red
sauce be cow blood?
448
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,513
We'll see what
we can do.
449
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:52,948
Is that Mom?
450
00:18:52,982 --> 00:18:55,784
Homer, can you come
with me for a minute?
451
00:18:55,818 --> 00:18:57,586
Marge, please,
control your jealousy.
452
00:18:57,620 --> 00:18:59,187
This is your daughter.
453
00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:01,189
We need to have
a conversation
454
00:19:01,224 --> 00:19:02,791
in loud whispers.
455
00:19:02,825 --> 00:19:04,392
Uh, excuse me, Lisa.
456
00:19:04,427 --> 00:19:06,962
A friend from high school.
457
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:10,232
Homie, I felt terrible
458
00:19:10,266 --> 00:19:12,367
when you said I felt
stuck with you.
459
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,869
But then I realized:
460
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,971
I am stuck with you.
461
00:19:16,005 --> 00:19:18,707
I couldn't stop loving you
if I tried.
462
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:21,710
I'm sorry, that's all very nice.
463
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,712
But I can't forget
what you said.
464
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:25,013
I know, Homie.
465
00:19:25,047 --> 00:19:26,581
I know you well
enough to know
466
00:19:26,616 --> 00:19:28,550
you're not ready
to forgive me yet.
467
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:30,685
But I also know
you well enough
468
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,855
to know that
this will work.
469
00:19:33,890 --> 00:19:35,357
Where'd you get
that dress?
470
00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,627
Remember that
sewing machine
471
00:19:38,661 --> 00:19:40,228
you say I
never use?
472
00:19:40,263 --> 00:19:43,465
Well, I sold it and
bought this dress.
473
00:19:43,499 --> 00:19:44,466
Wow...
474
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:46,468
Wow, that looks just like
475
00:19:46,502 --> 00:19:48,537
the dress you wore
on Project Runway.
476
00:19:48,571 --> 00:19:49,804
Shush-shush-shush.
477
00:19:49,839 --> 00:19:50,906
Oh, right.
478
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,574
I mean, this looks like a dress
479
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,309
from a local Springfield store.
480
00:19:54,343 --> 00:19:55,810
All is forgiven.
481
00:19:55,845 --> 00:19:57,379
Let's have dinner.
482
00:20:01,884 --> 00:20:04,553
Dad, I believe
we were on a date?
483
00:20:04,587 --> 00:20:06,988
Oh, of course.
You're right, honey.
484
00:20:07,023 --> 00:20:09,658
I'll just, um...
I'll park it at the bar.
485
00:20:11,527 --> 00:20:14,229
Well, hello.
486
00:20:14,263 --> 00:20:17,332
And your lasagna
with cow blood, sir.
487
00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:18,500
Thanks, Frenchy.
488
00:20:18,534 --> 00:20:20,902
I'm not French,
I'm just pissy.
489
00:20:24,943 --> 00:20:25,943
Lucas.
490
00:20:25,978 --> 00:20:28,025
You're not competitive
eating anymore?
491
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,193
No.
492
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,928
I realized that
was unrealistic.
493
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:32,263
Well, that's a relief.
494
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:34,932
My new goal is to become
whatever Adele is.
495
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:37,435
Just call me Pound-Uca-Dollar.
496
00:20:37,469 --> 00:20:39,737
What if I just taught
you how to whistle?
497
00:20:39,771 --> 00:20:41,038
You know how to whistle?
498
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,273
Like with your mouth?
499
00:20:45,296 --> 00:20:46,563
Hey, I'm doing it!
500
00:20:49,906 --> 00:20:51,391
I sound just like a bird!
501
00:20:53,650 --> 00:20:58,650
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
502
00:21:32,544 --> 00:21:33,698
Shh!